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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 08-25-2009, 10:30 PM
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Sequentio Offline
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Default Breeze


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Note; This is a my second story. However, I took the criticism from my first story and attempted to make this one much better. (Look! I added details! *laughs*) Also, John's speech looks a garbled mess, but that's honestly how he speaks... So please enjoy! =D
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Deep in the Ilex Forest, behind an overgrowth of trees, laid a moss covered tombstone. When its owner died, many came to visit. Over the years, it dwindled to family... then to no one. Sometimes, a lost Paras would wander by to look for mushrooms. When it found none, it scurried away. The only breath of life that touched the grave was a gentle breeze.

The breeze brought new life to the suffocating plants. Very often, a Hoppip would be caught on the updraft and float into the area. Most Hoppip would inspect the area, planting little red feet on the soft moss. When they were done, the Hoppip would spread their leaves and raise themselves to catch a new wind. However, one little Hoppip decided to stay. This one was curious to see what was written on the granite grave before it continued its journey with the other Hoppip. It stood on its hind legs and used a stubby front paw to clear away the green. The name on the grave read...

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Many years ago, near the Ilex forest lived a woman and her husband. The woman was a mousey homemaker and the husband was a logger. Because of the man's profession, the couple lived in a quaint cabin made by the hands of the husband and his precious Machoke.

Life was difficult back then. Most modern conveniences did not exist and so the woman, who was in her mid-forties, was left at home day after day doing dishes as her husband labored. Arthritic hands massaged the edge of a china plate while a strand of caramel hair slipped loose from the bun and fell into the woman's face. She sighed, setting down the cleaned plate. As she did so, the woman took a step backwards to look out the kitchen window. Sun poured in through the window and made her blue eyes sine as bright as they were when she was a child.

"Pip... Pip..." Echoes of passing Hoppip reached the woman's ears.

She smiled gently to herself, folds creasing her aging face.

"Hop!" A red Hoppip appeared at the window, floating aimlessly. "Hoppip?"

Just as she was about to put her hand to the glass, a call startled her.

"Martha! Martha, you there? I got some milk for ya to cook!" The husband entered the kitchen, followed by a Machoke carrying a vat of Miltank Milk. He stopped when he saw his wife looking out the window. "Are you looking at those damn Hoppip again?"

"I'm sorry, John. I know women aren't supposed to have Pokemon... but I just want a friend."

John sighed, placing a calloused hand on his forehead. "A friend, eh?"

As if to assure his position in the house, Machoke chimed in with a hearty, "Machoke!"

"Well, how about tomorrow you can have Machoke around the house? He could help ya with womanly things?"

"Machoke!" The blue body-builder protested.

"Now, now, buddy. Martha here's lonely. You better be keepin' her company tomorrow!"


"You know I can use a temporary Pokemon at work for a day..." John explained to his partner.

"Machoke..." The Pokemon slumped in defeat. As he did so, Martha appeared behind him and placed a sweet hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry Machoke. It'll be okay to stay home for a day..."

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Even though it was not the same, Martha enjoyed Machoke's company. At least the house wasn't silent. Every few minutes she could hear Machoke lifting something around the house. Her hands pulled a clean fork from the counter and placed it in its proper position.

"Machoke!" Machoke had appeared from behind and startled the poor woman.

"Oh!" She dropped the fork into the sink and turned around. "What is it, Machoke? Are you hungry?"

"Machoke!" He smiled and rubbed his stomach.

"Then I'll make you something to eat. Just give me a minute to finish putting away the dishes, alright?" Martha picked up the fallen fork.

Machoke grumbled and began to walk in the opposite direction until he spotted another Pokemon looking at him. It was a Hoppip, looking in from the kitchen window. "MACHOKE!" He exclaimed, pointing his finger at the floating red weed.

"Hm?" Martha had just pulled out materials for a sandwich and was starting to layer mayonnaise on the bread when she too, spotted the Hoppip at the window. "Oh, Hoppip!" She clasped her hands together and looked at it longingly.

The Hoppip laughed and turned itself upside down. "Pip!" It squeaked.

Martha's happiness soon began to fade. She knew the Hoppip would soon leave if she didn't do anything. That's when an idea struck the woman. "Machoke! Do you know if John has any extra Pokeballs?"

Machoke looked at her with large eyes and shook his head quickly. "Machoke. Machoke, choke, choke." It was obvious he was trying to avoid Martha's idea.

"But if you help me..." She paused, thinking of a possible bribe for Machoke. "You don't ever have to stay home with me again! You can go to work with John everyday because I won't be lonely."

Machoke was about to protest when he thought for a moment. He'd much rather be chopping down trees than sitting at home cleaning furniture. With hesitation, he muttered, "Machoke..." and left to go find a spare Pokeball.

Machoke returned within a few minutes holding a small, multi-colored ball. He handed it to Martha.

Martha quickly hurried outside after the floating Hoppip, pulling Machoke with her. When she spotted the Hoppip, it looked confused. The Hoppip was still looking around in the window for Martha until she called, "HOPPIP! I'M OVER HERE!"

The Hoppip turned around quickly, smiling. "Pip! Pip!" It bounced up and down as if it was splashing in the water. Nothing happened.

"Machoke... I've never battled before... Can you help me?"

"Machoke!" He loved to battle. During breaks at the logging company, the loggers would take turns having battles. Machoke won quite a few times and was very proud of this fact. He stepped forward with an air of confidence.

"Go, Machoke!" She pointed at the Hoppip. When he looked at her for an attack, Martha didn't move. She only had a look of determination on her face.

Machoke sighed. He should have known Martha had never seen a Pokemon battle. He would be on his own for this battle. He squatted, arms in a weightlifting stance. "Ma......" A field of energy was building up around him.

Hoppip turned its head sideways and floated above Machoke. It danced a silly hula in the air, releasing yellow spores. When they touched the Pokemon below, they sizzled in a crack of electricity. Machoke was paralyzed.

Machoke frowned and prepared for his next attack.

Hoppip drifted to Machoke's front and flew head-on into Machoke with a small thud and fell to the ground. The Tackle hardly did any damage.

The other picked up the fallen Hoppip and threw it at a near-by tree. "Machoke!" He said triumphantly. Even with John, a Vital Throw had never been so easy.

"Pip...." It moaned, picking itself off the tree. It shook twice and regained its leverage. It readied itself in the air, mouth agape. It formed an O. Before Machoke knew what was going on, green seeds rained down in succession.

Machoke slapped the seeds down and launched itself at the Hoppip. He raised his hand for a Karate Chop when Hoppip drifted out of his reach. Machoke jumped up and down to try and grab the other Pokemon but Hoppip only wagged its tail. A large yellow field appeared around Machoke, lowering down into the ground.

"What's happening?" Martha yelled from the sideline.

Machoke didn't bother to inform her that his defense just fell. Finally, Hoppip lowered from the sky as a large seed began to form on its back. Machoke quickly made a grab for it and began slapping it repeatedly. With each, "Ma-Choke," a hand flew across Hoppip's face.

Hoppip retaliated by glowing a bright green color. "PIP!" It cried, as green orbs began to flow from Machoke into its own red skin. "Hop!" It cried happily.

Machoke growled and tried to execute another Vital Throw but he was immobilized by the binding electricity. Within a second, he was free, punching Hoppip in the face.

Hoppip cried out in pain but as it regained posture, it looked around in a confused state. "Pip? Hoppip?" It didn't know what to do. It looked left and right quickly. When it saw Machoke, it squeaked and released a white powder all over itself.

Machoke laughed and watched the Hoppip drift to the ground, snoring on its way. He picked Hoppip up and began whipping it around in a circle. He threw it up high before it landed on the ground with a smack. He waited to see if Hoppip would wake up. It didn't. This made Machoke happy, as he could continue his barrage of attacks. In an attempt to lower Hoppip's defense, Machoke began a Leer when he was wrestled to the ground by another burst of electricity. Recovering from his paralyzed state, Machoke kicked the little Pokemon across the open area.

Hoppip still did not wake up.

Machoke saw this as an opportune chance. He quickly ran over to Martha, pointing at the Pokeball.

"Do I throw it now?" She asked, looking at the ball.

Machoke nodded.

Martha bit her lip and threw the Pokeball as far as her arms could muster. It landed near the Hoppip and opened with a bright flash. Hoppip disappeared as the ball closed. It wiggled once, twice, three times and then...

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John stood over Martha's grave with a bearded Machamp at his side. "I'll miss her, buddy."

Machamp looked at his trainer with large eyes and simply nodded. "Champ..."

John knew Martha loved Hoppip. He also knew she tried battling one with his Machoke. It was obvious to him that Machoke had gained some battle experience while he was at work. What John never knew was if she caught the Hoppip or not. That never really mattered. Both he and Machamp knew that.

John knelt next to his wife's grave and carved a simple sentence.

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The young Hoppip read what was written under the moss.

"Martha Harrison; Lover of Hoppips who drifted on the breeze..."

The Hoppip smiled and felt a gust of air. It spread its leaves and took flight. As it drifted over the rest of the Ilex Forest, it wished that another Hoppip might land in the same area he had just visited.


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Pokemon Attempted; Hoppip
5-10k Character Range
Character Count (Without Spaces); 8,155
Character Count (With Spaces); 9,913
((All character counts do not include Author's Notes or Divider Bars.))

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Last edited by Sequentio; 10-18-2009 at 06:16 AM.
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Old 09-15-2009, 04:12 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Breeze

EDIT: Here it is! :) Uggh, I got home super late from Band (around 8:45PM), so I wasn't sure if I could do it in time. ^^;

Plot: Aww, how sweet. :3 Martha wasn’t some trainer, battler, or breeder; she was just lonely and wanted a friend to call her very own. I felt the story could have been lengthened; maybe you could have touched more on Martha’s sense of loneliness when John and Machoke headed off to work. It’s one thing to say that she was lonely, but if we actually had a chance to see her in a situation in where she really wanted a Pokémon friend, we would feel a lot more sorry for her, which, in turn, makes a reader read more. Yes, Hoppip is a Simple Pokémon and doesn’t require a lengthy Pokémon, but you’re also entertaining readers, so shouldn’t you try your very best, even if what you have is good enough?

Also, make sure you touch up on questions in your plot. You said women weren’t allowed to have Pokémon, but you never explained why that was. Were women considered too unimportant to own a Pokémon? Did men believe it would distract a woman from her role as wife and house maker? Small things like these may catch a reader off guard even if you didn’t notice it when you wrote it.

Introduction: Like your last story I graded, it started off peacefully and with an opening of the setting. Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with that, especially if a story is meant to be cute and fluffy. Surroundings weren’t described that much, but I can look past that for now.

Now, I consider both the first two paragraphs and the one after the break as part as the intro, since the third one is also introducing us to the story. I felt that the sentence of “The name on the grave read…” and the starting of the third paragraph didn’t connect. Yes, it’s meant to connect to the last words of the story, but you still have to create a sense of continuation to keep the flow you had going on. I was reading then jumped to the third paragraph, wondering, “Is that how it’s supposed to start?” Always try to keep the flow going in your story, whether the flow is centered around action or remembrance about a time long past. It may mean the difference between setting the mood and disrupting it.

Grammar/Spelling: You had typos here and there, more than last time, so more proofreading is must, especially when you have a short story (the mistakes seem more close together).

Since this story had more dialogue than your last, I managed to catch this repetitive mistake:

"Machoke!" The blue body-builder protested.
The T in “the” should be lowercase because “the blue body-builder protested” is still part of the dialogue. That also goes for when you have something like:

"Machoke!" He said triumphantly.
Do you see why in this sentence, the H in “he” should be lowercased? It’s because it belongs with the dialogue.

Sentences like these are correct…

"Go, Machoke!" She pointed at the Hoppip.
… because “she pointed at the Hoppip.” has nothing to do with the dialogue. That’s why the S in “she” is capitalized.

Length: Perfect.

Description/Detail: Description was good, but not as great as I expected from you. Description of surroundings varied from scant to practically nothing. Martha was described great, but John and Machoke were almost shadows. Just because you’re going for a Simple Pokémon it doesn’t mean that you can slack off in your description. If you do slack off, it’ll become a bad habit and eventually effect your writing skills.

So describe your characters, surroundings, and Pokémon as best as you can. Don’t write to the standard of the Pokémon category; write to the standard you set for yourself. If you feel you need more description, then go right ahead and add some more! xP

Battle: It was pretty lengthy, which means kudos to you for not taking the easy way out and have Machoke quickly overpower Hoppip. Some attacks need a touch more of description so that all of the attacks can be equally described. It’s not very good if you see some attacks but forget about others because no description was used, right?

Also, avoid saying:

Machoke didn't bother to inform her that his defense just fell.
And things along those lines. In the games, “defense fall” simply means a -1 and a blue glow surrounding your Pokémon for a second. In the anime and fan fiction, if a Pokémon’s defense fell, a dozen of things can be the cause. Maybe Hoppip slapped him in the eyes, making his guard drop. Or maybe something distracted him, like Hoppip’s dance.

Outcome: Though I know you can do better, the story is great for a Simple Pokémon. Hoppip captured! Keep on writing and improving, Sequentio! :D

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 09-16-2009 at 04:08 AM. Reason: Spelling fail. D: I need to get Firefox again.
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