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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-04-2010, 01:24 AM
Lunar Lime's Avatar
Lunar Lime Offline
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Default Vs. Pachirisu [WWC]


Eh, a bit rushed, but okay nonetheless.
------------
All of the inhabitants of the Power Plant gathered around the main hall, their central meeting place. There was a certain tenseness in the air unlike any other meeting before. All of the Pokemon living in the Power Plant squabbled amongst themselves as they waited for the council to start. There were lots of them- A colony of Magnemite and Magneton, A family of Electrodes, A herd of Mareep, and a group of fierce, blue Luxio. A small, mischievous Rotom drifted through the walls, and a family of Chinchou lived in the nearby lake.

The Power Plant was an abandoned place, with frayed wires, broken machinery, and bad lighting. However, it had a working generator, which is essential to all electric Pokemon, and had soon become a very popular place for Pokemon to stay. Now it was bustling with energy. The Power Plant, however, was still a mucky place, and the inhabitants were working on cleaning it up.

The crowd's banter slowly ceased as the Power Plant's leader, Magnezone, stepped forward. Magnezone was one of the first inhabitants of the Power Plant. He had stumbled upon it when he was not just one being- three Magnemites all took refuge here, and eventually fused into Magneton. Eventually, all of their thoughts melded into one, and the big, metallic Magnezone was born. He was accepted as their leader quickly, due to his intelligence. Magnezone had helped the Power Plant prosper in many ways- cleaning up the rubble, working some of the appliances, and just being very cheerful. One thing was for sure- Everyone was happy with him as their leader.

Magnezone waited for the Pokemon to simmer down, and then said,

"Friends, as you know, we are facing a huge crisis. Some of you may have noticed, many of us electric Pokemon living in the Power Plant have been feeling much, much weaker. Like someone is sucking out all of our power." There were quite a few nods of approval in the audience, namely from the robotic Magnemites.

"Myself and a team of elders have been looking into this, and we seem to have found the source of the problem. Yesterday, we checked the main generator of the Plant- the source of all our energy. There, we found that the wires in the generator were fraying." There was a horrified silence that followed Magnezone's dreadful announcement. All of the Pokemon knew what it meant- without the generator, no electricity. Without electricity- the Power Plant would be devoid of life.

"Something must be done to stop this madness!" Magnezone firmly declared.

"Tonight, we shall watch the generator extremely carefully, at all hours. We shall find the culprit of this... this... evil!" The crowd erupted into cheers. They started to set up a guard, that would keep watch over the generator that night. The guard consisted of Rotom, Luxray, and 3 Electrodes. They waited to uncover their culprit, as the night drew closer.


///

"Maaaaan... So bored!" Rotom lazily said, as he watched the generator, unamused.


"Oh, would you be quiet? Master Magnezone--"

"I don't care about 'Master Magnezone'!" Rotom and Luxray often got into fights, usually on the grounds that Luxray was a stickler for rules, whereas Rotom never followed any. The Electrodes, as usual, never said anything. They just sat there patiently, as they waited.

Suddenly, a movement. Luxray's ears jerked up, and Rotom's eyes drifted over to the generator. A small, mouse-like silhouette appeared. Rotom's eyes focused in on it. No- not mouse-like- Squirrel-like. In fact, there wasn't just one. There were about ten of them. Their fur was white with a faint blueish tint and had a light blue stripe which started from their forehead and went all the way down to the tip of the tail. A large white tooth grew out of their mouth. Their eyes were a deep gray. And they were all chewing away at the wires of the generator.

There was no question as to what the source of the problem was now. A family of Pachirisu had moved in, and was destroying the generator. When Luxray saw this, she dashed at the Pachirisu in a rage. Rotom knew that it was a stupid move, but didn't bother to warn Luxray. It wanted to see what the small squirrels were made of.

Almost instantly, all the Pachirisu disappeared. Luxray looked around frantically for them, but they were nowhere to be seen. Then, all of them suddenly reformed in a circle around Luxray, and swiftly butted into her. 'Quick Attack...' Rotom thought to itself. 'Their speed is impressive, but the damage...'

It was true, the Quick Attacks were quite weak, and would have not done much damage at all. However, the small squirrels immediately followed up with a Grass Knot. Thorned green ropes shot out of the ground and pulled the howling Luxray to the floor. Finally, all of the Pachirisu injected the already writhing Luxray with a Toxic. This move pushed Luxray over the edge, and she gave one last howl before the poison consumed her body and she fainted.

Rotom, who was watching all this, was extremely surprised with the ferocity of the small mouse... squirrel things. Either way, he wanted a fight. He turned to the pertified Electrodes.

"You guys can go back. I got this." The poor round Pokemon were only too happy to after seeing the fate of Luxray.

Now, the Pachirisu turned their full attention to Rotom. They all tried their Quick Attack maneuver on the creature, but he Levitated out of their reach. He shot high above the Pachirisu, and then rained down on them with a barrage of Thundershocks. However, the Pachirisu easily absorbed the electricity, and fired it back at the Rotom. Rotom narrowly dondged the two blue-colored bolts that were meant for his opponent, and then went in for an Uproar. He made the loudest racket possible- So loud that it would break most people's eardrums. The Pachirisu countered with a Grass Knot. Four more green ropes shot into the air, and and tied Rotom up, so he couldn't make any more noise. They started flurrying attacks at him in every direction. Rotom was amazed. He knew that the Pachirisu must have good teamwork, but not this good. Rotom retreated to a corner to escape the attacks.


'These Pachirisu have incredible teamwork,' Rotom thought to himself. 'It's impossible to beat them... alone. But first, to get rid of this Grass Knot...' Rotom had a brilliant idea. First, he used overheat. The heat of his body was so great that his Grass Knot prison just burst into flames. Then, he fired a flurry of Confuse Rays at the Pachirisu. For a second, it looked like nothing had happened. Then, the Pachirisu suddenly turned on eachother, biting and kicking eachother until they had fainted eachother. Rotom sighed with relief, knowing that the generator, and the Power Plant were safe. And that he could rub it in Luxray's face.

-Epilogue-

It was decided that the Pachirisu family could stay in the Power Plant, as long as they didn't chew up the wiring. They prospered and thrived in the Power Plant, and now are one of the biggest Pachirisu populations in the world. Rotom was rewarded for his efforts with the honor of being the Night Watch. Never again would Rotom suffer the strains of boredom. The Power Plant was peaceful... for then.

The Pachirisu were eager to help out in the Power Plant, and did whatever help was possible. They were fast workers, and greatly contributed to the Plant. They still had a fondness for torturing Luxray, though. xD

-----------
Going For: Pachirisu
Characters: 10,000 Exactly. (Woot! :D)
__________________
(senzura1) I better get out of here before I start questioning the idea of love. I leave you with these parting words. This is what happens to you if you watch the End of Evangelion.

LimeLunar: (9:39:52 PM) WHAT IS LOVE

LimeLunar: (9:39:57 PM) BABY DON'T HURT ME

Forum FFA Team CHICKEN: (9:39:59 PM) (annagorov) BABY DON'T HURT ME

Last edited by Lunar Lime; 01-04-2010 at 02:21 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-06-2010, 04:00 AM
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Default Re: Vs. Pachirisu [WWC]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sec View Post
I'm grading this as I type, the grade is actually about half done already xD I'll post it tomorrow night :]
Introduction and Characters:
The story actually kicks off pretty well. The plot is set up fairly nicely in the beginning and it’s very easy to understand what is going on and what is about to happen. Your characters’ personalities seem to be very well developed for such a short story. I can definitely easily see the reason Magnezone is chosen as the leader, how Rotom is arrogant and rebellious, and how Luxray is an uptight goodie-two-shoes. I have to commend you on that because something a lot of writers have problems with is portraying their characters personalities. Seriously, you have no idea how many stories I’ve read through with such dull characters! My one gripe about this section is that the introduction to your story was very short, but I’m pretty sure that it’s because your story was short in general. Something I would work on as far as that goes it to just add more to the opening scene, not too much work right? Other than that I was fairly impressed with your introduction and characters, so good job! No complaints!

Plot:
I actually thought your plot was pretty cute, which is pretty unique since most of the stories we see on here are grungy, sad, or extremely dramatic (mostly grungy lately for some reason). I have to give you props on originality because even though the idea of Pokemon working together to overcome a problem isn’t a new idea, it is a rarely used one. There weren’t any plot holes that I could notice either. I just had one big gripe with your plot and it was that it was so straight forward. Sure, an easy to understand plot is a plus, but in this story it was just “Here’s the problem, here’s how they’re gonna fix it, here’s how they fixed it, here’s what happened after.” There were no twists in the plot, no surprises, nothing to make the story really stand out as overly exciting. It just seemed like your plot needed more to it. More events, more action, more surprises; it was a good plot idea but it needs to be developed more.

Conventions:
Your grammar and spelling were actually pretty well done except for a few small mistakes, so I won’t go into a ton of detail on it, but I do want to point out a few things. You seem to put a lot of commas in places where they do not belong such as:

Quote:
They started to set up a guard, that would keep watch over the generator that night.
The comma here actually serves no purpose and splits the sentence up to make it improper. Just watch out where you’re putting them. I would either read up on proper comma usage or just read over your sentence before adding a comma. If the sentence works just fine without it then don’t add it, simple as that.

Other than the misplaced commas your only other big enemy here was typos. Repeated words, misspelled words, and misused words. While there weren’t too many, maybe one every two paragraphs or so, there were enough that they were easily noticeable. Just make sure to reread your story after you finish writing it and look out for typos. If you find a lot then chances are you missed at least a few so check it over again, if you just find one or two then you’re probably safe!

Detail:
I was actually quite fond of the amount of detail you put into things, for a medium story at least. I can find parts in the story in which you describe at least four of the five senses and the details that you do give throughout is right up to par with what a medium story should be at. Just make sure you stay consistent with your description! Some things are described very well and others aren’t described at all. Other than that I once again have no complaints, you did a nice job!

Length:
I’m not sure how you got 10,000 characters exactly, but when I check the character count this is 7,528 characters (that’s your whole post even, not just the story). Unfortunately you’re very far under the minimum, and usually the minimum isn’t exactly the best place the shoot for. If you’re just hitting the minimum amount of characters required then your story is usually too short to include the amount of details it should or a long enough battle. Try to shoot for right in the middle of the guidelines. For a Medium level Pokemon at least 13k would be a good range to go for. Your story is right about where a Simple level story should be at, so unfortunately you’re a whole level under where you should be.

Battle:
The battle was exciting, balanced, you made good use of unconventional attacks, and it flowed very nicely. However, it wasn’t perfect. The battle was very short, not a lot of attacks were exchanged, and it seemed very predictable. Like I said for your plot, try to throw some surprises in there! The Pachirisu taking down Luxray event was a good one and it’s moments like that that will really make your battle great. Your battle needs length, I’d say at least another 2k of characters would be enough to cover things up and bring it up to speed but that also depends on your description of attacks and non-battling scenes in between. To make a long story short, make it longer and make it more unpredictable!

Outcome:
Your plot was cute and all of your technical thins such as grammar and description were right up to speed, the problem with your story was its length. Not only was it significantly under the story’s minimum requirement but the plot suffered because of it and the battle was short as well. For now, Pachirisu Not Captured but if you can lengthen your story to 10,000 characters at least and fix your battle then I’ll have no problem giving this to you. Your story really was good, I was very on the fence about this because I wanted to pass you, but it needs to have more to it before I can do that! Good Luck! I look forward to the PM asking me for a regrade! Also, don't forget to make any changes in bold so that I can see them easily!
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Last edited by Sec; 01-17-2010 at 03:45 PM.
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