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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:10 AM
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Default Go to Sleep

Another story brought to you by yours truly xD
~*~*~*~
So, not much to say about this one other than it is completely inspired by the song Counting Bodies like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums, but A Perfect Circle. I highly suggest you listen to it while reading the beginning of this little story. Or at least, listen to it before hand.
~*~*~*~
WARNING; SOME MATRIAL MAY NOT BE SUITED FOR YOUNGER READERS
~*~*~*~
Pokemon; Abra(Hard) and Seedot(Simple)
Character Range; (20-30+5-10) 25-40k
Characters; 28,655 (no spaces)
34,922 (spaces)
~*~*~*~
I am aware that it's a bit on the short side, and that my plot isn't all that... I don't know, obvious. But this will be a multi-chapter thing, were you learn more about Ambrose and his cult, why he does kill people, what happened with Kallisto/Layla, why Skylar wants to help Kallisto and why Pandora can't remember her name and doesn't fight Ambrose back. OH, and about Abra's past with Kallisto. This will have at least five parts, this being one of the longer ones. This is part of a story deal with Fierce Deity, or Alonzo
~*~*~*~
Now for a short summary of the story. It starts with Kallisto hearing a gunshot from downstairs. She doesn't really know what it means, though she knows it's a gunshot. She starts thinking about things, in a way that doesn't even make sense to her, and the next thing she knows she is standing in an open window. Ambrose comes and calms her down, telling her to 'go to sleep'. Kallisto soon wakes up again and walks downstairs, only to be kidnapped soon afterwards. Just before that, it switches to Pandora's POV. Now I'm getting lazy and stuff happens and then it ends. Read it.
!!!
Also, please ignore the little lyrics after every important post. Those are just for decoration and I claim nothing.
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-28-2009 at 07:26 AM.
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  #2  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:10 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Don't fret precious I'm here.
Step away from the window.
Go back to sleep

Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a f*** about you, like I do.
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  #3  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:13 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Chapter One, Part One

Gunshot. Loud and clear, piercing the air. I could feel my blood pressure rising as I waited patiently under the light sheets. My eyes were closed, trying to picture a more peaceful world. Where death never happened and betrayal was never in my midst. Where flowers bloomed under a warm sun instead of thorny roses that bloomed under a bleeding red moon. Yet that would never happen, not in the world I lived in. No, my world was one of death and poison. The thorns on each rose where the thorns of my life, the thorns that poked and prodded me every waking moment.

I wished I didn’t have to wake.

I wished I didn’t have to see my world. That I didn’t have to be a part of it.

"Precious, please…" I heard him say. I didn’t realize I was standing in the window sill until he spoke. The cold breeze chilled my bare arms and legs, raising goose bumps. The short white dress I wore fluttered around me. Thick blonde hair whipped around my face as I turned to look at him.

"Don’t fret, precious, I’m here. Step away from the window." He told me, brushing my cheek with his fingers. Softly, gently. I felt his arms wrap around my thin shoulders again, lightly… as if I was made of porcelain. Is that what he used to call me? His porcelain doll.

I leaned into his arms, taking in his scent of ginger and rust. Such a strange combination, but it was one that I smelled frequently. After the gunshots that came from downstairs you could smell the rust on his clothes. The ginger on his clothes was from the tea that I was sure he brought up. To easy whatever tears had fallen in that hour. Only to repeat the process in another few hours.

He only came to tell me to step away from the window or lower the knife. He always told me these things and once he did, I realized where I was. What I had been doing.
But never why.

He told me that it was because of my face, the burns that covered one eye and half of my face. I didn’t know how I got it, only that he was sorry it had happened.

He placed his hand on the small of my back, leading me back to the white double bed where I resided most of my more recent life. I laid back down, my eyes glued to his pale green ones. He gently rested the thin sheets over me again, covering my bare arms and legs, whispering words that were all to familiar to me. 'Go back to sleep.' He only turned away from me when he was called by a women, her voice shrill and high.

"Ambrose, get down here now!" He looked up, at the white wood door, and sighed angrily.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered once more, kissing my forehead. The words were familiar, ones he spoke every night and every time something went wrong. He stood up, brushing his dark hair back behind his ear. His light eyes met mine for a brief moment before he vanished once again to the outside world.

The difference, this time I could hear what was being said outside of my thin, white walls.
"You need to let her out of there, Ambrose," the female said. Her voice, too, sounded familiar for a brief moment. Almost gentle and kind.

"She’s sick," Ambrose replied, shaking his head. "There’s no way I’m letting her out."
"She isn’t sick! She needs help and she’s not getting it!" the girl shot back, her anger rising with every word. I wish I could see them.

I could even hear Ambrose’s deep, angry breathes. "Pandora, you go in everyday to make sure she is well. I have given you responsibility of her for the time being. Do whatever you want to Kallisto, just don’t take her out of her room and don't do anything to hurt her," he said evenly, though there was the faint sound of anger.

"Zeus would make a better leader than you, Ambrose," Pandora said softly as she began to open the door. I shut my eyes, not wanting to be found out.

Ambrose must have snapped. "Don’t talk about that bastard!" he shrieked. There was a loud smack and the door swung open. I took a deep breath, hoping to pass as sleeping. The door shut with a slam and I couldn’t hear the voices anymore.

I went to sleep with tears running down my face. I wasn’t sure why, but they fell. I dreamed of a man that ruled the skies with thunder and lightning, though he was kind and brought peace to the world. My nightmares included a dark-haired man that killed without mercy and ruled his people with an iron fist. Maybe I was going insane, or maybe I already was, but both men were familiar to me and made me feel safe.

I woke up to the sound of another gunshot. Somehow, I remember what I had heard the day before and I slowly swung my legs over the bed. I planned to go downstairs and get some breakfast, instead of waiting for the day to pass by at an alarmingly fast rate. To tell the truth, however, I didn’t even know if it was morning or not. But I still stood up unevenly, making sure that I could sense what was going on as I walked across the snow-white carpet. I opened the door to reveal two decent-sized Pokemon, both also looked familiar.

The first one let out a loud bark, rubbing its black and gray head against my thigh. I hesitantly petted its head, glancing at the other Pokemon that lazily guarded my door.
This one lifted its stone head to me, glaring angrily before resting its head on the wall, snoring angrily.

I must have laughed at the Aggron’s laziness as there was a loud clatter coming from behind another door. A tall, willowy woman stood before, calling Mightyena and Aggron back into black and white Pokeballs. She looked at me with strange, gray eyes. Ones that were very familiar.

"Good evening, Kallisto," she said. Her voice was the same one that I had heard the previous night. I looked over at the young lady, opening my mouth to say something, like ‘hello’ or ‘who are you’.

Instead, I surprised myself.

"My name is Kallisto. I am Most Beautiful."

I could feel my surprise on my face, and I was waiting for the women to laugh or say something rude to me and my selflessness. She smiled sadly instead. Her eyes lacked any cheerfulness or even anger. She looked disappointed, as if she was expecting more.

I didn’t know what to do; it was as if I couldn’t control my body. The young women gently took my hand, placing her opposite hand on my shoulder, and led me down the bright halls of the house. I didn’t remember where we were, though it did seem very familiar. I did, however, remember that the woman leading me was known as Pandora. What an odd name.

She led me into the kitchen, a room with few windows and only one door, a heavy brown one that looked hard to open. Many narrow hallways led off from the kitchen, as well as a section that was separated by a long counter. One the other side of the counter was a long table. My brain recognized this place and I walked around the dark counter to the table. I sat down in one of the furthest seats, the one right next to the end. I blinked, looking up with a hopefully apologetic look on my face. I should be helping her make dinner or something. I tried to stand, but my body wouldn't let me.

A young man that I hadn't seen when I first walked in laughed. "Haven't seen you around here lately, Kallisto," he said in a cheerful yet cynical voice. He was intimidating; tall with a mess of golden-red hair and dark brown eyes. His eyes were narrowed at me, almost daring me to say something. I think I knew his name was well; Apollo. "And please, don't even bothering trying to respond. I don't need to hear that 'Most Beautiful' crap again."
"Apollo," Pandora snapped, glaring at the man. He didn't turn to look at her. "Don't talk to her like that! We don't know if she can hear us!"

What was she talking about? Of course I could hear her. She was right in front of me, looking at me. I was looking at her. I opened my mouth, planning to say something.
Again, the same strange but familiar words came out of my mouth. "My name is Kallisto. I am Most Beautiful."

Apollo rolled his eyes, standing up abruptly and heading down on of the dark hallways after grabbing a plate of what looked like pizza. A girl who I hadn't noticed followed him quickly, her blonde and purple hair bobbing up and down. I understood their anger at me. I was being rude and selfish and I didn't even know why. My actions were my own, or at least I thought they were, but my words weren't. Something was seriously wrong.
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  #4  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:15 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep

Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
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  #5  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:18 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Chapter One, Part Two
Pandora


She wasn't getting better. I thought maybe, just maybe she was. She had gotten out of bed herself, she looked at me like she remembered me. Ambrose would be glad.

But she couldn't speak anything other than the words that Ambrose had said to her when she first woke up. Before that night three months ago, Kallisto had been known as Layla. Layla Samara. Her face had been unscarred, beautiful. Of course it was beautiful. She was Ambrose's girlfriend, after all. Ambrose only allowed beautiful people into his world. If they disobeyed him, he would kill them. Take his gun and shot them. Then feed the bodies to the Pokemon of the house. Mightyena ate the most of the body and even my poor Seviper had taken into the habit of the strange meals. It was disgusting, but I was in no position to question Ambrose's authority.

No one was.

Layla, or Kallisto, might be trapped in her mind, but at least she had her name still. Or I prayed she did. I only had the name that Ambrose donned upon me. Pandora, or 'All Gifts'. I liked it, at the time those four years ago. But I was sixteen then and stupid. I thought this would change my life and put me into the world of glory, gold and riches. It did change my life, but in the most horrible way. I was here, in this big house, and trapped, in a place that I couldn't escape.

Many have tried, in the past, but none survived. Some were shot like the two men today. Some were poisoned or burned to death, their bodies dumped Heaven knows where. I only had one reason to stay and many to leave, but I had to keep Kallisto safe.

Ambrose thought he was doing a good job of that, keeping her safe from pain. Truth. Choice. Other poison devils that have been destroying the world slowly and steadily.

That's what I had believed. Pain scared and hurt people. Truth hurt people as well, caused them to commit horrendous crimes. Choice is what got us into this world in the first place and is what is destroying our world. Now I couldn't tell what was true and what wasn't.

Kallisto continued to stare at me, blankly. It was a bit startling, her facial expression seemed so dead and dull while her eyes were awake and alive with a strange, confusing look. I walked over to her, resting my hands on her thin shoulders.

"I'll get you some food, sweetie," I told her gently, trying to sound happy. "Just forget about Apollo. He's always been jealous of Ambrose. A jealous bastard. He wanted someone as beautiful as you."

She spoke again. "My name is Kallisto. I am Most Beautiful," she told me in her strange, lifeless monotone. I sighed.

"I know, Kallisto, I know," I said softly, stroking her hair briefly before heading more into the kitchen. Ambrose told me she liked salad, so I had prepared a meal for her every day. Some of the others who lived in our large house thought me as crazy, almost as crazy as Kallisto. I disregarded those comments with ease. They just didn't understand.

Kallisto didn't say anything, her expression aloof and frigid, despite the moon's rays hitting her fair skin. Such an ghastly expression. But her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes were full of expression. People have told me that it isn't the eyes that have expression, it’s the skin around it. That's not the case with Kallisto. Her eyes reflected her inner thoughts, her heart. Her soul.

A doorbell, soft yet probing through the minds of everyone in the house. You could hear it even from the opposite side of the insanely large house. I glanced at Kallisto, not knowing if she'd follow me or not. I turned sharply the other way, walking down one of the many halls. I stopped at the door, a thin wood door with a bronze handle. On the ceiling above the door slept Apollo's trusty Ariados, waiting to pounce on anyone who dared come in without at least some permission or a note.

I opened the door slowly, as not to wake the sleeping spider-Pokemon. Kallisto had followed me and was standing closely behind me.

Opening the door was one of the biggest surprises of my life. I hardly had time to react to the sudden green vines that wrapped around both my waist and why mouth. Another pair of vines followed the first quickly, wrapping around Kallisto. I tried to scream, but I couldn't. The green dinosaur like Pokemon whose vines pulled were around us started to pull us out of the door, and into the dirty courtyard. The deep green vines flung both me and Kallisto into a old truck. Whoever owned, and most likely trained the Seed Pokemon, was sitting in the front seat with a large brown Pokemon I knew was Alakazam. The back window of the truck was wide open, having been shattered to create the whole. Venusaur and the smaller, darker green Ivysaur let their vines return to under their large flowers, or budding flowers in Ivysaur's case. I looked at Kallisto, her thin and frail body lying limp in the back of the truck. Strangely enough, the Grass/Poison Pokemon had set us down softly. I looked frantically into the car to see who our captor was.

That surprised me even more. The man driving the car now in a quick getaway was none other than Ambrose's older brother, Zeus. Though he hated the name and would only ever be called Skylar, his given name. He was kind, but quick to anger in most situations.
"Skylar!" I called. "What in the world are you doing!"

He glanced back, his one blue eye looking as surprised as I felt. "And what the hell are you doing in the back of my truck? Climb in!"

I rolled my eyes. The car was still moving, so I obviously had to climb in through the open back window. I glanced at Kallisto. "Then stop the car and let me get Kallisto into the car.
The car didn't stop, or even slow down, at my words. Skylar just stared ahead with a blank expression. "Skylar!" I called again, angrily. "She's unconsious!"

A soft blue light from the front seat caught my eye. Alakazam's eyes were glowing the color of the sky and from my peripheral vision I saw the same light swallow Kallisto. Her body blinked once, disappearing before my eyes. She then reappeared, sitting in the Psychic type's lap. Her head was leaning against the dirty window, her long blonde hair spilled across the fox-like Pokemon, sticking to the window as well.

"Pandora... she looks really thin. How in the world have you been treating her?" Skylar asked softly, the car still accelerating through the roads, only slowing down when there was a red light. Even then he never stopped for long.

I didn't respond, feeling entirely at fault for Kallisto's malnutrition and her illness, even though it was obviously Ambrose's fault. I quickly climbed into the back seat, my uneven black bangs getting tangled on some nails that had been poking out around the sides. When I finally got seated in one of the torn up, leather seats, Skylar looked at me from the front seat.

"Pandora, what's wrong with her?" he demanded, glaring at me.

"Tell me why you're kidnapping us first," I retorted angrily, smoothing out the black miniskirt I wore over my jeans.

"I was going to kidnap whoever opened that door, then ransom him or her for Kallisto," Skylar replied. "But this works just fine as well."

"You're too full of yourself, Zeus," I told him, shaking my head.

He turned his head sharply, his face red. "Don't you dare call me by that name!" he snapped. "I'm not full of myself! If anyone, it's my brother! Look at him, creating his own little cult just to slap me in the face!"

"It's not a cult. We're a family. We protect each other!" I informed him angrily, adjusting the low cut black top I wore. Around anyone at the house, I was expected to show most of my skin. Around people like Skylar, it was just plain embarrassing.

"The whole lot of you looks up to my brother like he's some sort of god. Though, ironically, Ambrose isn't the name of a god. Just the Greek word for 'immortal'," Skylar mused, trying to change the subject.

"Zeus was the god of the skies and the top god. Why don't you want to be called that?"

"Because it's not my name. Just like Ambrose isn't my brother's and Pandora isn't yours," he told me simply.

"But you call Ambrose by his name and me Pandora. You even call Kallisto by her new name, though I'm sure you know her given name," I said, frowning.

"Of course I know her name. I wouldn't have even come here if it wasn't for her sister."
"She has a sister? I never knew that..." I said, sounding a bit confused. "What's her sister's name?"

"Well, Ambrose had given her the name Ismene. But her real name is Sabah. Arabic for 'Day'," Skylar said, chuckling. Alakazam smiled, something I could only see because of the front window's reflection.

"What's so funny about her name?" I asked, though I had to admit that her name was pretty unusual.

"Because Kallisto's name is Layla, Arabic for 'Night'," he replied, a soft smile on his face as he looked at the sleeping girl. Pale skin, blue eyes and long blonde hair.

"So what does her sister looked like?" I asked, still a bit confused. Though it was unusual that her name meant night despite the fact that she looked more German then anything.
"Dark skin, dark brown eyes and very short black hair," Skylar replied, laughing as if he had given the punch line to some great joke. "They're blood related, of course. Mother is from the East and father is... well, somewhere in America, I suppose."

"What about the others? Do you know they're real names?" I asked, wanting to know more about the people that I lived with for the past two years. "Do you know my name?"

Skylar's natural brown eyebrows lowered in deep thought. "I don't know your real name, Pandora, but some of the others I do know. Apollo was a friend of mine and Ambrose's. His real name is Mark, I think. His sister, Artemis... I think her real name was something like Olivia. Yeah, it was Olivia. Sweet girl, before my brother got a hold of her. Went completely wild after that. Mark didn't know what to do, so he followed Ambrose around like a sick puppy. Now look at them."

"Those are nice names, I guess," I said softly, trying to change the subject again. "Why did you want Kallisto, Skylar?"

"Because I know what happened to her and I had to get her out of there," he replied, his features darkening. He made a sharp right turn onto a gravel path.

I stiffened. "You know what happened to her?" I asked, eyes wide. "What!? You have to tell me, Skylar! I'm the only one in that house that cares about her besides Ambrose!"
"You've heard the myths, haven't you? Of the Lake Trio?" he asked, the car slowing down just a bit, almost to an unbearable crawl.

"You mean Mespirt, Azelf and Uxie?"

"Yep, those three. A few days after the accident regarding Layla, where her face got burned... Well, I had been informed that Ambrose had gotten his filthy hands on Azelf." He said it matter-of-factly, as if I should have been aware of this.

"What does that have to do with Kallisto?" I asked, trying to remember something about the mystic Pokemon that seemed to be so rare, only residing each in a different lake.

"Everything. I suppose you don't know much about Azelf then," he said. I shook my head and he continued. "Azelf is the Willpower Pokemon, and in some legends it has been told that he can control someone, making him or her do whatever he desires. I think that Ambrose has threatened him and forced Azelf to control Kallisto's willpower. She can't do things for herself, right? Her words are the things that Ambrose wants her to say. Her actions might be mostly her own, or maybe they're just starting to be more controlled by her..."

"Wait, back up. How do you know all this?"

"Easy. I have Alakazam's daughter, an Abra. She can see things and well, she sees a lot of visions about Kallisto...." Skylar trailed off, looking rather frustrated. "Ok, what should I call her? Kallisto? Or Layla?"

"Uh. Well, Calling her Kallisto would be easier, since I don't think she remembers her real name," I said, shrugging. "But Skylar, how can an Abra see Kallisto if she's never met her? Or at all, for that matter."

"Even easier. Abra can see visions of people that they know, or have done something to them in their life. While Abra has never meet Kallisto, she has been held by her when Abra was still in her egg. I think that's why Abra has had visions of her. Sometimes, though... she wakes up crying."

Alakazam looked quite sad as Skylar said this, his triangle-shaped head looking downwards. Skylar reached up and gently rested a hand on the Pokemon's pad-like brown shoulder.

"Secondly, Abra can simply see visions, which Kadabra or Alakazam then shows to me," he continued in a softer tone. "Abra in general has the ability to see things. Sadly, they lose the ability once they evolve."

"You sure know a lot about Abra," I noted.

"I should. Alakazam is my partner," Skylar replied, smiling. Alakazam grinned, nodding.

"Are we almost to wherever you're taking us?" I asked, abruptly changing the subject.

"We've been here for a while," he laughed, using a hand that wasn't on the steering wheel to motion the fields of grass surrounded by white picket fences.

"You live here?" I asked.

"Yep. A friend of mine owns the ranch and is letting me stay here. Kallisto's sister is here too."

"A Pokemon Ranch... I haven't seen one of these for ages..." I mused absently as the old truck pulled up into a gravel driveway that led to a small ranch-like house.

Skylar hopped out of the truck quickly, opening the door for me. Alakazam followed his trainer and partner carefully as he was still holding the unconsious Kallisto. I slid out of Skylar's truck, quickly hurrying over to Alakazam and Kallisto. "Skylar, is there any place we can keep Kallisto? A bed or couch or something?"

"Of course, just follow me," Skylar said, walking up the three stairs to the small farmhouse. "Come on, Sabah should be in the back. Alakazam, just set her down on the couch while I get her."

"Alakazam...," the Psi Pokemon replied, rushing up the stairs himself. The door opened for him, most likely because of his Physic power. I followed them after Skylar went inside, being careful to not step in any of the suspicious looking piles of mushy dirt. Skylar may have been wearing boots, but I was wearing simple ballet flats.

I stepped inside to smell the very strong scent of pumpkins, fresh apples and vanilla. The smell was intoxicating and delicious. I looked around, trying to find the source of it. It wasn't too hard to find. There were jars of apple cider on a marble island off to the side of the large living room. In a wicker basket placed in the center of the island were what looked like orange-colored muffins. Most likely pumpkin muffins, if the smell was any indicator. I wasn't sure where the vanilla was coming from, but it seemed to be coming from every side of the house.
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  #6  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:19 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
Go back to sleep Go back to sleep
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-28-2009 at 11:24 PM.
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  #7  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:23 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

Chapter One, Part Three
Kallisto

Pumpkins... apples... vanilla...? I don't know how I recognized the scents, but I knew them. The ceiling wasn't white, like it was in my room. Instead it was a pale brown, a color that I never saw in my room. So where was I? Maybe I was out in the kitchen with... what was her name? Pandora? Yeah, I think that's her name. Maybe I passed out or fell asleep in the kitchen and then woke up in someone else’s room. I just didn't know.

A large Pokemon was standing over me with kind eyes. By his side was another Pokemon that looked like a smaller version of the first. They parted when they saw that my eyes were open, revealing a slender women dressed in a colorful and short dress and a young man. In the distance I could see Pandora, but not very well. Maybe my vision was still blurry.

The young lady kneeled down besides me, slowly, as if to not startle me. Her dark features soft and sad, yet full of relief. Her deep brown eyes also showed some sort of affection, one that I wasn't familiar with. Her eyes also looked teary. I wonder why.

The man behind her was also looking at me with affectionate eyes. But his eyes scared me, as well as his overall appearance. A streak of black, a streak of gray and mostly white made up his hair. And one of his eyes was a bright, piercing blue. The other, stormy gray. It was unheard of, but he looked completely comfortable with it. Maybe it was just because he's had it for so long. Who knew? I've never seen either of them before.

The women smiled at me. "Do you remember me?" she asked.

I thought about answering, but I was afraid I would say the same words I've been saying all day, so I just shook my head. Her face fell and she stood up, turning to Pandora. It took me a moment to realize that she was crying. Words were being tossed back and forth between the two black-haired girls, slow and gentle. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but Pandora's words seemed to comfort the women.

The strange male youth was by my side quickly, almost as quick as it took the girl to leave it. He was sitting on the ground, one long arm raised to brush my hair and scalp gently. I stiffened, closing my eyes tightly. It felt... different when he did this. With Pandora, it was soothing. Something I could easily call asleep to. When Ambrose petted my head, it was full of heat and a unusual tension. I liked it, of course.

When this man did it, it was soothing, like Pandora's touch. At the same time, however, it was chilling. I could feel goose bumps raising on my arms and legs, even though they were cloaked with a thick purple and blue plaid blanket. It was so strange, yet thrilling. I didn't get it.

He was smiling. "You've got to remember her, Kallisto," he said softly in a strained voice. The sound was only just familiar to me. Then it hit me. My dream, the one I had the previous morning. Of the king who ruled the skies. It was this man who was kind yet had power in my sleep. It was strange since I've never seen him before in my life.

A thud on my stomach woke me from my dazed thoughts. Looking across the couch I saw an acorn shaped Pokemon with a silver cap and red-orange base. Dark brown half-circles for eyes with a lighter, creamier brown that encircles them. It was adorable, to say the least. It bounced on my stomach like a bouncy ball; up, down, up, down.

The man laughed, picking up the Seedot, holding him out to the dark-skinned women. She turned to him, frowning. "What are you doing over there, Seedot?" she laughed sadly, trying hard to hide the tears in her voice. She picked Seedot up, cuddling it closely.

Pandora smiled, sitting on the end of the couch. She rested her slender hand on my ankle, smiling at me. "You don't remember your sister, Kallisto?" she said quietly. "I'm sure you'll remember her soon."

"Doesn't Sabah ring any bells? Or maybe Ismene?" the man asked, looking almost helpless. Confused, even.

Wait, rewind. I had a sister? And this beautiful, dark-skinned girl, none the less. We were opposites, so how could be even be related? Pale skin versus deep mocha skin. It was absurd, but for some reason I believed him.

Pandora glanced at the man. "Kallisto, this is Skylar. He's a friend, ok?" she said quietly. I just barely nodded.

It was a number of minutes before my 'sister' finally walked away, into another room in the Western house. Pandora patted my ankle once more before getting up and following her.

Skylar sighed. "You wanna know something that Pandora didn't mention? I'm Ambrose's older brother," he said, as if simply trying to get me to talk. I, for one, didn't know Ambrose had a brother. "How is he, Kallisto?"

"I don't know."

I wasn't sure who had spoken at first, but from the look on Skylar's face, I knew that it was me. I sat up quickly.

"Where am I?" I asked. My voice sounded raspy, like I hardly ever used it.

"We're at a Pokemon Ranch. Your sister and I are staying here," Skylar replied quietly, his eyes softening. "Do you need anything? Water? Something to eat?"

"Where is Ambrose?"

His face fell. "He's not here, ok? You don't need to think about him anymore."
"I want Ambrose."

Skylar looked away. "Hey, looks like she's awake," he said, trying to smile. "Kallisto, I want you to meet Abra."

I looked over Skylar's head at the sleepy Pokemon. Cute, pointed head and stubby fox-like ears. Her eyes were slanted and closed, but I knew that she could see me. Especially when she teleported closer to me, so that her stubby little hands were on my forehead. "Aaabra!" she chanted happily, an unusual purr that would fit a sick Skitty.

It was hard not to smile at the little one, with such a cheerful and adorable face. “Hi, Abra…” I said quietly.

Abra grinned again in greeting, prodding me with her fingers until the house shifted, the brown and tan panels dissolving into a lush meadow where Miltank and Tauros roamed.
The sky was a light lavender and streaked with white highlights. Few trees could be seen from where I sat, in a simple lavender dress. On my lap laid a simple, light brown egg, hued with shades of purple. It didn’t move and it felt chilled under my hands. I bought it closer to my chest in an attempt to warm it. Frosty air nipped my skin as the wind picked up, creating beautiful waves in the lush grass in front of me. I could see a few unusual ripples in the grass and after looking closer and harder; I saw that it was a few stray Furret and a Linoone. They looked like they were having fun, playing away from the rest of their two groups. Turning my attention elsewhere, I could see a flock of what looked like Pidgey and all of its evolved forms, led by a single Pidgeot. Underneath them was a small group of Hoppip, flying dangerously close to the flock of bird-like Pokemon.

But soon the scene shifted once again, this time colored with values of yellow and orange. I was inside the ranch house again, but neither Skylar nor Pandora was with me. Instead it was just me and the woman who called me her sister, Sabah, working over some fresh Oran berries and apples. We were talking about God knows what, mindless chit chat, when there was a loud crack from another room. Sabah dropped the apple she was holding and ran down the hall; I followed.

We went to a laundry room, tripping over mounds of dirty clothes. In the center of a basket, lined with the softest material that could be found in the house, was the same light brown egg. This time, however, it was cracking. One long dark line marked the beginning of a long day, waiting for Alakazam’s daughter to hatch.

The world shifted again, and I was back, lying on the couch, watching Abra as she pulled her stocky fingers away. She was smiling at me and I felt myself smile back.
I wasn’t sure if it was another vision, but the scene went from good to bad quickly. Loud banging on the door was the first hint, following by a sudden heat wave. The brown oak door slowly darkened before being engulfed by the flames.

Sabah let out an irritated sigh, clutching the Seed Pokemon close to her chest. “What the hell was that for?” she called angrily.

“Ah, Ismene. Good to see you again, though I’m not here on the friendliest of terms,” he replied, standing in the burning doorway like a god of fire and hell. I could feel my limbs go numb, as if he made me feel safe. But somehow, I didn’t believe it.

Sabah spat at Ambrose. “The name is Sabah. Not one of those idiotic Greek names you’ve given your cult!”

“Ambrose.” Skylar said, glaring at his brother. “Get the hell out of here, bastard.”

“Now, now, my brother. I’m only here to return what is mine to its rightful owner,” Ambrose said in a calming voice, running a tanned hand through his messy brown hair. “Kallisto, please. Come.” Besides him was a terrifying black Charizard, still blowing weak flames from its nostrils. I didn’t move.

Abra moved for me, walking over to Ambrose with a fierce look on her triangular face.
Skylar moved with his Pokemon, glaring at Ambrose. “Kallisto doesn’t belong to you anymore, so leave us be,” he informed his brother, trying to keep a level voice. It wasn’t working all that well. Ambrose’s pale green eyes narrowed dangerously at his brother.
“Then I’ll take her back by force.”

Charizard let loose a terrifying flame from opened jaws after Ambrose finished his words. The heat was terrifying, but I could hardly feel it. I opened my eyes again, seeing an unusual yellow box surrounding me and Abra. The fire burned helplessly away, forced back by the Light Screen. I sighed with relief.

Skylar nodded at an Alakazam who had only then made his appearance. The powerful Psychic Pokemon looked at Abra with an appeasing look before turning to face Ambrose and his Charizard.

Ambrose sighed, as if he didn’t really want to fight and have the chance of losing. “That’s not fair, my brother,” he said easily as he retrieved another Pokeball from his coat pocket. He tossed it lightly into the air, revealing a brown, insect-exoskeleton-like Pokemon. Two blade-like arms cut the air in a furious movement and it let loose an angry cry. Kabutops.

Sabah yelled angrily at Ambrose, saying something in a language I wasn’t familiar with. She held a Pokeball in her left hand, ready to throw it. Pandora wasn’t doing anything, just standing with her eyes wide.

The shiny Seedot jumped out of Sabah’s one-armed grasp, standing before the menacing Kabutops. “Kabu…” the Water/Rock type sneered, glaring at the little Seed Pokemon before raising a sharpened arm, glowing with a bleak violet light, to strike.

Sabah noticed her little one, about to be destroyed by a Night Slash, and quickly called out one of Seedot’s few, non-suicidal moves. “Nature Power!”

Three triangles, one red, one blue and the final being yellow, quickly formed in front of Seedot as the one foot, eight inch Pokemon jumped back to dodge the attack. Kabutops roared with frustration as his sword-like arms met nothingness. I watched with awe as the Tri Attack forced its powers on the Shellfish Pokemon. The red triangle hit him square on the forehead, the yellow on the side on his chest and the blue narrowly missing the brown and silver fossil Pokemon.

Sabah cheered happily as Kabutops tumbled backwards and Seedot raced over to Abra and me. Abra smiled at the tiny Pokemon, lifting her Light Screen for a few moments so Seedot could get in.

Skylar turned to face his brother and Charizard. Alakazam raised his arms, creating a purple glow around the Fire type. It swallowed him whole and lifted him above the ground. Sabah threw her Pokeball and Hariyama appeared, clapping its large orange hands together in prospect of the upcoming battle.

I turned my attention to Abra and Seedot. Both Pokemon were focused on the battle. Kabutops lunged at Hariyama as Alakazam threw Charizard onto the ground easily. But my attention wasn’t on the Pokemon, it was on Ambrose. He sent out a few more of his minion Pokemon, obviously trying to distract or destroy Sabah and Skylar. And he pulled it off as he walked over to me and my two guardian Pokemon. He smiled at me, reaching a hand towards the yellow box that protected me from him.
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  #8  
Old 11-28-2009, 07:23 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

I’ll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son
They're one in the same, I must isolate you…
Isolate and save you from yourself …
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Old 11-28-2009, 07:25 AM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

If Amborse gets to Kallisto, it's a fail and no capture.
If Abra and Seedot hold Ambrose off, capture!

Ready for grading.
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Old 12-19-2009, 08:18 PM
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Default Re: Go to Sleep

I do believe I want to grade this. ...I will not take two months to finish a grade, this time.
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Old 12-29-2009, 07:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scourge of Amaranth View Post
I do believe I want to grade this. ...I will not take two months to finish a grade, this time.
I was all WILL WRITE SMALLER GRADES, and I did, and then… THIS happened.

Introduction: It certainly did its job, although the thorns were, perhaps, a little melodramatic in delivery. The eerie image of a girl fleeing from her life sets itself up well enough; as does the perceived violence of her experiences, and her confusion. As an introduction, this is a “pass” in and of itself, but when considered as a part of the larger piece, there are some points to bring up. Primarily, the consistency of emotional quality in the first-person point of view story-telling. I’m not entirely certain the melancholy condition described by this introduction ties into the character’s later actions and thoughts. It feels disconnected—she stars out with this “gagggghhh life sucks, I be scared” mentality, and then proceeds directly into this sort of… lolly-gagging paranoid confusion without any bridge. You did mention (in your summary) that these thoughts don’t make sense to her, which I would assume is because of her memory—but you need to harness that inner “…why am I thinking this?” better if you want everything to tie in. A mental transition, perhaps entailing something to the extent of a ponderance upon why, exactly, she’s having these thought that seem completely unrelated to her life, could clarify things. I’m not even sure that’s the angle you were going for, however.

Anyway, as I said, your introduction hooked me—so pass. Watch its relevance and cohesion to the rest of the piece, emotionally, though.

Plot: This was just revving itself up at this point, I can see. You have a solid start, concept wise. It’s not something you read every day. Lake-Legendaries involvement does seem a bit tired of a plot device, but that’s probably because I spent the entirety of yesterday playing Platinum. (Although I’m not entirely certain I know what ‘it’ is, at this point—I anticipate that you’ll delve into Ambrose’s illegal doings, the nature of Kayla’s wound, the long-term relevance of Skylar… but am not entirely sure how, and whether or not a grander scheme of some sort is involved.) It’s certainly not something you read in URPG. At this point, though, there’s not much I can say about the overall scheme of things… and I do have a lot of questions I’m not entirely sure you intended. I would warn you that you have the potential for a lot of psychological plotholes, especially with the way you’re keeping the nature of Kallisto’s wounds and memories secret—tread carefully, and watch your step. You’ve avoided them thus far, but you’ll need to build a solid, believable “cult” environment, among other things, to keep this running strong.

Something to keep in mind: This ‘hold’ Ambrose has over people is probably going to need to be illuminated, and it’s going to need to be illuminated well. Zeus/Skylar, as someone who can resist it… Kallisto/Kayla as someone who has been irreparably damaged by it… Pandora as someone who has been a part of it, but reluctantly so… Ismene as someone who has experienced it… the dead, who have been created by it…. Et cetera. I’m also curious as to the relevance of the police.

The bit for this “section” of the full tale flowed well. You introduced the setting, introduced the players, and began the action. Hints were made at the future and the past. So. Anyway. Nicely done thus far—watch the development closely. Pass.

Grammar: You didn’t have a particular problem with grammar—it was more the typos that were noticeable. There were a couple instances where you wrote “women” instead of the singular “woman.” Also, when Kallisto was worried that she was being selfish… “selflessness” is the word that got written down. xD Not quite the same idea. Additionally, the tense is all jumpy—but you knew that, and I know you know how to fix it, so I won’t do any explaining. Other than simple… awkwardness in some of the phrasing, which is something that comes through keeping a close eye on whether or not you’re using unnecessary words, or misplacing commas, all you have to think about, grammatically, is the semi-colon and the em-dash.

Quote:
He was intimidating; tall with a mess of golden-red hair and dark brown eyes.
Anyway, I’ll use this sentence to address your comma, semi-colon, and awkwardness issues all at once. Because I’m efficient like that.

a) Semi-colons are technically supposed to connect only complete, independent clauses. There are quite a few modern published writers who do so differently, but… apparently, not a lot of them know what they’re talking about. In this instance, the em-dash (—) would be grammatically correct; the semi-colon would be debatably incorrect, and more on the incorrect side of the debate (depending on whether or not the person vouching for correct-ness argues for ellipsis). Either way, an em-dash flows better here. That’s the case with a lot of your commas, actually; em-dashes break stuff up, build boundaries and whatnot.

b) Awkwardness comes mainly through wording slips and comma usage. You say “a mess of golden-red hair and dark brown eyes,” which could potentially make some people think “erm, wait, messy eyes?” Intuitively, no, but grammatically, that is technically what you’re saying. It’d help to add some form of clarifying word, or to make the forms consistent. (Something like “a mess of golden-red hair complimented by dark brown eyes” would be the simplest way to go.)
c)
Quote:
My actions were my own, or at least I thought they were, but my words weren't.
Also. This sentence here? Potentially hard to read, because your mind doesn’t know it’s going to have to move backwards. Watch out for structures like that; they can be patched up. “My actions were my own—or at least I thought they were—but my words weren’t.” This is not a necessary correction, but it’s something to consider with your writing. A lot of your sentences, just like this one, have thoughts that interrupt the initial thought (as opposed to supporting it). Commas tend to work better as continuation agents, rather than separation—and you might start considering some separation in instances like this. In the earlier sentence I mentioned, the comma blip is merely omission. “tall, with…” would be the actual way of presentation, ‘cause the rest is an addition.

Quote:
He was intimidating—tall, with a mess of golden-red hair accompanied by two dark brown eyes.
So… that’s one way that some of the grammar could be patched up. Everything I’ve said about this sentence and that random other one applies to quite a bit of your writing—just keep it in mind in the future, really. And all that said, you do have good grammar.

Characters, Style—how details connect: First off, I giggled a bit when I found out that the “hero” figure of the tale was double-named Zeus. ‘Cause Zeus, y’know, turns into a swan and rapes people… and hides in dark corners and rapes people… and has ridiculous numbers of children after raping people… and getting hit on the head…. Which seems irrelevant, really, but is something I want to address.

As a… shall we say, devoted student of Greek and Roman mythology (and the supporting languages), when allusions are made to figures from said tales, I like to see a connection, of sorts, in the imagery. Merely dubbing Skylar “Zeus” and giving Kallisto portentous dreams about the original figure does not take full advantage of the huge amounts of potential that classical references possess. You already have a semi-connection built in Kallisto’s mind, as she dreamed about Zeus… and Kallisto is also slightly out of it. It’d be no problem to work some of the symbols associated with Zeus (and the other Greek gods, really) into your imagery. Kallisto should think that Skylar mid-battle looks commanding enough to harness lightning bolts with his bare hands and not be singed. Or something to that effect, or to a completely different effect. But consider messing around with the toys that Greek myth references give you to play with.

Also, for first person, this was surprisingly disconnected when it came to emotions. You have some main characters with really powerful emotions swirling through their heads—Pandora’s incredibly angry and guilty, jumping at every little thing that Ambrose has done to Kallisto… but I don’t get a strong sense of that in the first person. You say that she feels guilty, and why, but it doesn’t really show itself in her thoughts. It comes down to a need for more detail, really.

Quote:
I didn't respond, feeling entirely at fault for Kallisto's malnutrition and her illness, even though it was obviously Ambrose's fault.
This thought, right here. This is what I’m talking about. She just says it—she doesn’t give her reasons. Why would she feel at fault for Kallisto’s condition? She’s not responsible for her; she’s not trained or capable. As she said, it’s clearly Ambrose’s fault. …But you shouldn’t make me make these intuitive leaps myself. That makes the character more me than herself. Describe why she thinks this, just to tie it all together. Does she think she should have been able to nurse her to health better? Does she think she should have prevented the incident? Is she just feeling helpless and altogether useless? And why does she think it’s Ambrose’s fault? I mean, we know it is. So tell us that she thinks he’s been abusive towards Kallisto, that his actions and refusal to get her help have worsened her condition… or whatever. I saw some of this in Pandora’s dialogue, but people rarely say the entirety of what they mean—I want to see it in her thoughts, too, and with more specifics and more passion. The only place most people are fully safe is in their thoughts. She can think what she wants, and she can rant about it for as long as she likes. These aren’t imagery details, but they’re emotional details, which are probably more important to first person than the actual physical descriptions.

Details and Battle: I suppose it could have been a bit longer, but as a grader, I don’t particularly care about the battle. I’m more concerned with the story. The point of a battle in general is that it’s there, and that it doesn’t feel awkwardly tacked on. Yours does feel a bit rushed, as though you were more interested in getting it over with than writing it out effectively. Although you have a nice balance of attacks, you could have added more and gotten a little fancier with environmental twists. No broken pottery, no cracked floorboards, no scorched pillows? If you’re going to bother with a battle, may as well put a bit more detail into it, give it a purpose other than something that just takes up space. Like that missed corner of the Tri Attack—it could have hit something. It could have hit Kallisto, it could have hit the floor, it could have gone through the window and shattered glass…. I, personally, love to see some carnage with a battle. It’s a bit more realistic. Maybe that’s just me, though—maybe you want… the abandoned attack to evaporate in midair, or something. Give the reader’s mind some more images to work with. (This stands for all of your details, not just the battle stuff. Your character interactions were very well described, but fleshing out the environments and Pokémon could definitely benefit the overall imagery. The smell details were a nice touch—try applying that kind of detail to everything. The ceiling in Skylar’s house is kinda irrelevant. Nice to know, but irrelevant. Give a sense of the furniture style, perhaps, or just an onslaught of random details that build a stronger picture than “brown.”)

I’m going to recommend an experimental technique that might help ramp up your battle descriptions, if you feel like trying it. It was actually recommended to me for writing smutfics (God knows why the person thought I’d ever need it, :/), but I’ve found that it actually works quite well for action scenes. Try describing affects more than causes. Take a Fire Blast—it’s not really the flames that are scary. It’s the fact that when they slam into something, the heat sucks the air from its lungs, scorches fur, burns flesh…. Food for thought.

Length: Just fine. A little on the low side of the minimum, but still passable. You could have buffed that up no problem with a bit more description

Verdict: This was tough. The plot was just beginning to move its gears, yes, but there were twinges that made me think your plot-base was not as solidly founded as it could have been (aforementioned issues with vagueness of situation, which seemed like an effect of the “keep Kallisto’s past a secret” and “keep future development a secret” sentiments being written in first person). Detail tended towards the vague side at quite a few points… but was, as I mentioned, well fleshed out when it came to the actions of people. So, I’m going to say… take a single Pokémon of your choice. Go back and do some fleshing out in description, and maybe use some of that description to strengthen the emotional quality of the first person writing. Contact me anytime for a regrade.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:15 AM
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Thanks a ton for the grade, SoA. I'll definitly work on all that stuff as soon as I get the chance, in the meantime, however.... Taking that little Abra from the computer now...
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