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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 08-31-2009, 08:29 PM
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Default Chasing Rotom

Target: Rotom (Demanding)
Length Requirement: 40k-55k
Length: 46,531
I've never written anything longer than about 6 pages before, this was 15 so I hope it comes out okay :]

“You may see him now,” the short scarlet headed nurse said to Taylor as she walked out of his father’s bedroom. Taylor’s father had been diagnosed with an extremely deadly tumor and was about to pass on. Everybody was taking turns saying their final goodbyes to him.

Taylor stood up, glancing around with his bright lime eyes at the many people ready to see his father off. Men sat silently in the corners or stood next to their wives, all of whom were bawling into small handkerchiefs. Taylor quickly adjusted his black suit while coming to terms with everything that was taking place. He didn’t even know if he could do this without completely breaking down and bawling his eyes out. Usually a very strong person emotionally, death was something that Taylor always had a problem with. The man was afraid of nothing, always trying to be the hero and stand up bravely and fearlessly to help others; but this was the one time he just couldn’t do that.

Taylor pulled back his short dirty blonde hair as he stepped through the ornate cherry oak door that lead into his father’s bedroom, the head of his 6 foot tall body just missing the top of the door frame. The walls were a cream color with bronze accents and a dark brown wood trim around the ceiling and floor. From the walls many paintings were hung, all original works of art from the most famous painters around the world. In the center of the room was a grand canopy bed, made of mahogany, on which Taylor’s father laid, covered in a noble red gilded blanket. The only light in the room came just barely through the closed drapes behind the bed, enclosing everything but Taylor’s father in darkness.

Passing a table of flowers brought by the mourners, Taylor walked across the oak floors and elegant crimson and gold rugs that had been laid down around the room towards his father’s large bed. He knelt down by his father’s side and looked into his withered, elderly face. Suddenly he was incredibly weak at the knees, he felt like he would collapse at any second. I can’t do this… I can’t do this… Taylor told himself; though he pressed onwards to the bed anways. “How ya hanging on, pop?” Taylor asked, choking on the tears he was holding back, as he pulled his hand across his dad’s wispy white hair.

“I’m doing fine, I could run a mile and still have enough energy to climb a mountain!” his father replied through a choking cough. He was always trying to put people into good moods during the worst situations. Even though he was going to die soon he wanted everybody to be happy. Taylor chuckled half heartedly at his father’s crazy remark.

“Ha-ha, I’m sure you could… I’m gonna miss you…” Taylor said quietly, almost in a whisper and holding back tears.

“Don’t worry about it,” his father responded. “Everyone dies sometime; it’s not something everyone needs to get all weepy and upset about. You gotta accept it and move on! Now listen, I got something important to ask you. I need you to make me a promise.”

“Anything,” Taylor promised.

“About 5 years after you were born your mother and I had another son. Now, this was before we had money like we do now so we couldn’t afford to take care of two kids, we had to give him up for adoption. His name’s Joshua. I want you to track him down and give him a good home. Bring him back into the family. Can you do that for me?” Taylor’s father asked in a low but serious tone, coughing between every few words.

“I will, I’ll find him for you dad and I’ll bring him right back here to the house,” Taylor assured his father.

“Thank you…” his father said and he slowly shut his eyes. His face suddenly lost all emotion and his head fell to the side, looking slightly limp. Taylor broke down and began to cry as a nurse left the room to tell the family. For the next few hours the entire house would be filled with the sound of weeping.

For the next few days Taylor did nothing but call orphanages in the area and travel to different organizations for adoptive children looking for any information on his brother Joshua. Finally, after five days of nonstop searching he found a bit of information. “Hello, is this Saint Louise’s Orphanage?” Taylor had asked.

A quaint, high voice on the other line of the telephone answered, “Yes it is, how may I help you?”

“I’m looking for information on a boy, about 15 years old, named Joshua Foreman,” he replied dully. Taylor was getting tired of the calls, this was his sixteenth just this day.

“Why? What do you want with Joshua?” The voice on the other line answered quickly, sounding shocked and slightly scared.

“I’m his brother. Our father just passed away earlier this week and asked me to find Joshua and bring him back into the family as he died,” Taylor told her excitingly. This was the one; he had found him!

“That may be a little difficult to work out… He is here, but you should probably come down to see him and so that we can talk in person,” the voice said.

“Would tomorrow at about three be good?” Taylor asked.

“Three sounds great, I’ll see you then mister…?” the woman inquired.

“Mr. Foreman, my name’s Taylor Foreman,” Taylor replied.

“Okay Mr. Foreman I’ll see you tomorrow,” the voice said just before the phone clicked, ending the call.

The next day Taylor jumped into his shiny yellow sports car and headed out towards the orphanage, it was two towns over from his home in Pearl City so he would be driving for quite awhile. To help make the drive seem less boring he had grabbed a random CD on his way out the door; he popped it in and listened to the smooth jazz tunes of some 80s band. He rolled down the windows to let some fresh country air filter through the car as he drove down the smooth blacktop to Saint Louise’s. On the way there all that he could think about was his little brother. He sat and thought about what he must be like, what he might look like, how his life had been, and what the person on the phone had meant by “That could be hard to work out…” With all of this on his mind the two and a half hour drive to the orphanage flew by like two and a half minutes.

Taylor slowly pulled up near the orphanage and shifted the car into park. He stepped out of the vehicle, slammed the door and walked up towards the orphanage’s large wooden doors. Each step he took kicked up dirt since the orphanage was just outside of town and in the country environment of the outskirts all of the roads were made of sand and dust over old bricks.

Taylor planted his feet firmly on the ground and took a look around. The area surrounding the building was covered with gigantic willow trees; their strands of leaves could be seen hanging abundantly around the premises. The large lake out in the middle of the open field behind the orphanage glistened and reflected he images of the dozens of adorable, harmless Pokemon running about such as Bidoof and Stantler. The building itself was made of cherry and beige colored bricks and had large double oak doors, and had just a few windows. Taylor marveled at the three story ancient building, the architecture was easily recognizable as much older than Taylor’s 20 years. All of the wonderful scenery, added on to the fact that the sweet country air was so strong here made him start to think that life at the orphanage must have been wonderful.

Taylor walked into the orphanage and walked up towards the sparkling glass topped counter in the center of the wall opposite the entrance. “Wow…” he whispered as he glanced at the beautiful walls, painted a vibrant evergreen, and the floor, made of ceramic pallid tiles. On each side of the counter there was a set of doors, just like the main entrance’s. The walls were littered in objects such as a bulletin board, pictures of the orphanage’s children and a couple black and white paintings. Two large fern plants sat on the sides of the glass counter. Behind the counter sat a beautiful young lady with dazzling red, almost orange, hair and a cute smile; she wore a long charcoal dress and looked no older than twenty five.

Taylor approached the woman and said: “Hello, I’m supposed to come in to meet somebody about a young boy named Joshua Foreman. I’m supposed to come see him and possibly negotiate taking him home with Me.”

“Yes, I’m the woman you spoke with on the phone yesterday,” the lady said. “You’re Mr. Foreman correct? Joshua’s brother?”

“Yes ma’am,” Taylor replied. “My name’s Taylor.”

“It’s nice to meet you Taylor,” the woman said as she reached her hand out to shake his. “My name is Sister Rose.”

Sister? Taylor thought. He had never thought of a nun as young and beautiful. “It’s nice to meet you Sister Rose,” he said as he reached out and met her hand with a gentle shake. “May I meet Joshua?” he asked.

“Of course,” she said. “Come right this way; however, I need to speak with you about him on the way,” she said worriedly.

Sister Rose led Taylor through the doors to the right of the desk and they began to walk down a long hallway. The door, walls, and floors in the hall were the same as in the main foyer and there were doors lining both walls all the way down the hall which led into the children’s bedrooms.

As they walked down the hall Sister Rose began to tell Taylor little things about his brother; she started off simple with things such as what he looked like and eventually led into other more serious topics such as his past and current condition. Throughout the whole conversation Taylor was looking at the doors they were passing; waiting intently for the one that they would stop at and enter.

“Well Joshua is almost 16 years old now,” Sister Rose said. “He’s grown to be about 5 foot 8 inches I believe. He has long brown hair and the same bright green eyes that you do,” she continued. “Now, Joshua’s a very unique child. He’s been to various foster homes but always ends up back here due to his foster parents becoming ill or severely injured.”

“Poor kid,” Taylor commented, feeling bad for the little boy who he hadn’t even met yet. “Has to be pretty traumatic to lose your parents over and over again…”

“Indeed, it’s been very hard on him. He doesn’t talk to us anymore, or anybody for that matter. The only time we hear him speak is when he sits in front of his television. He’ll sit there and have full conversations with the inanimate box, even when it’s not turned on! Obviously this has made us all very worried…” She said until she stopped walking. They had reached the end of the hall and were now looking at a large steel door; a sign hung from it which read: Psychiatric Ward.

“So you put him in the psych ward…” Taylor said quietly, a feint disgust was heard in his tone.

“It was just so that we could keep an extra close eye on him,” she tried to explain. “Not only that, but he was scaring the other children. They used to make comments about how he was possessed by demons and ghosts and that they were afraid to sleep with him here. Obviously it’s outrageous to think he could really be possessed but they’re children. We thought it would be better if we placed him here.” She pushed the large door open and continued walking down the hallway with Taylor beside her.

Taylor could see that this hallway was much different from the one before. In here all of the walls were white and the doors were large, steel, and each had four locks keeping them shut. Where you could hear the laughter of children in their rooms in the other hallway all that you could hear here was dead silence. This was nothing like what Taylor imagined his brother’s life had been like.

Taylor and Sister Rose continued to walk down the hallway towards Joshua’s room. Every door that they passed made Taylor even more nervous and impatient than he was the second before.

“So where is his room?” Taylor finally asked Sister Rose. He had given up hope of waiting.

“Joshua’s room is actually through the next door and then at the end of that hallway,” she told him. “Now back to what I was saying! Where was I?” she asked.

“You were talking about how you were worried because of him talking to his TV, and then you were telling me about how the other children think he’s possessed,” he reminded her, the disgusted tone ringing through the corridor.

“Ah yes,” she exclaimed. “I just wanted to let you know about his current condition and his past. He’s had a very traumatic life because of the constant loss he’s suffered and I just wanted you to be prepared. He’s probably not the way you imagined he would be and… well… you can see for yourself!” she said as she walked up to one of the large steel doors. They had finally reached Joshua’s room.

Sister Rose reached out and twisted the top lock, unlatching it. She swiped a card through the second lock to unlock it and quickly punched in a password to unlock the third lock. “Are you ready?” she asked Taylor.

Taylor nodded slowly and she pulled the bolt keeping the last lock closed. She twisted the knob and pulled open the door, revealing Joshua’s bedroom.

The room beyond the open steel door was much like the hallway outside. The ceiling, the floors, and the walls were all white. The bed sat in the far left hand corner of the room and it was covered in dull gray sheets. Aside from the bed the only thing in the room was a small television that was turned on with nothing but static flowing across its screen in strange patterns. On the bed sat a teenage boy.

The boy was very pale, like he had not been in the sun for years. He had very messy chocolate brown hair and wore a plain pair of jeans and a white T-shirt. He had a sort of eerie sense about him. He didn’t look back when Rose or Taylor walked in; he just stared intently at the television, occasionally whispering to himself.

Taylor gazed upon his little brother, shocked at the difference between the boy before him and the picture of what he had thought Joshua would look like that sat in a corner of his mind. He’s just sitting there… Not even looking back at us… Taylor thought to himself. He didn’t know what to think. He was ecstatic to finally meet his little brother, but at the same time he now understood why the children were flipping out about Joshua. They way he just sat there lifelessly, whispering, was extremely creepy. Taylor was actually afraid to even enter the room.

“Joshua, it’s Sister Rose,” the woman said.

Joshua didn’t acknowledge her.

“There’s somebody here to see you. His name is Taylor, he’s very nice. He’s from your real family.” She told the child, though he just kept muttering to his television.

Taylor walked over and took a seat next to his brother, shaking a little bit. “Hey buddy, how you doin?” Taylor asked, but the child continued to act as though they weren’t there. “My name’s Taylor, I’m your brother... I’m from your real family… The one you had before you were sent here,” Taylor said, trying to talk to the oblivious boy. The way Joshua acted as if they didn’t exist was only adding to the creepiness of the situation. “I was kind of wondering if you’d like to come back. If you’d like to live with us again,” he asked, somewhat reluctantly.

Joshua didn’t acknowledge him this time either, but he stopped muttering to the static filled box. Finally, after a silence that seemed to last forever, the boy spoke. “You want to take me away again?” Joshua whispered inquisitively.

Thank God, he spoke… Taylor thought, almost letting out a sigh of relief as the intensity of the moments before slipped away. “Well,” Taylor began, “We have a very nice house, we’re a very loving family, and you’d be really happy at our home,” Taylor said. “You’d have a much better life than you have here. There’s fresh gourmet meal every night, a huge back yard to play in and lots of kids your age live around us. You’d even be able to go to a real school.” He said to the boy. All throughout the conversation the static on the TV was getting louder and louder, as if trying to drown out Taylor’s voice so that Joshua wouldn’t be able to here it. “And you’d be with your real family again…” Taylor finished.

Joshua stood up, walked to the television and turned it off. He slowly and silently walked back to his bed and laid down, turning away from Taylor without saying another word.

“Why don’t we go? I think he needs a little while to process this…” Sister Rose suggested.

Taylor stood up and walked out with her and they began walking down the hall back towards the entrance of the building. “Well?” Sister Rose inquired. She wanted to know what Taylor was thinking since he hadn’t said anything and they were already almost out of the psychiatric ward.

“I think if he had time to warm up to me and see how great my home is that he would be really happy. I promised my father before he died that I would find Joshua and give him a better life. That’s what I’m going to do,” he replied. I’ll make this work… he thought. I promised Dad that I would…

“Well then, when we get back to my desk let me grab some papers, we’ll go into my office for you to look them over and sign, and then Joshua will be yours to take home,” Sister Rose said, smiling.
__________________

Last edited by Sec; 12-12-2009 at 05:06 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-31-2009, 08:31 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (WIP)

“It’s that simple?” Taylor asked, sounding surprised.

“We never give up the opportunity to reunite a child with their original family, so the fact that you’re his brother makes the whole process ten times easier,” she replied as they stepped out into the foyer. Sister Rose stepped behind the glass counter and bent down to open a filing cabinet. She pulled out Joshua’s file and they stepped into her office. One hour and twelve signatures later Joshua was all set to head home with Taylor. He would finally meet and be reunited with his real family.

“Joshua,” Sister Rose said softly as she walked back into the boy’s room, “It’s time for you to go, your brother is going to take you home now,” she whispered .

Joshua rolled off of his bed and stood up; he walked over to his television and stared down at it. “I’m leaving again,” he said to the tiny box on the floor, “But don’t worry, I’ll be back soon,” he said softly, as if trying to comfort the inanimate object, “I always come back quickly.” He turned around and walked over to Sister Rose.

The young nun gave the boy a hug goodbye but he just stood there waiting to be taken away. Sister Rose walked Joshua back out to the main foyer and handed him over to Taylor. “Remember to call us and let us know how everything is going, we like to get status reports from new foster parents every once in awhile,” she requested of Taylor.

Taylor turned towards the door to leave and looked back at Sister Rose, “don’t worry, I will,” he said with a quick smile. With that, he wrapped his arm around Joshua’s shoulder and led him out the front door of Saint Louise’s orphanage.

Taylor walked over to his shiny yellow car and pressed the unlock button on his keychain remote, causing the car to let off a loud beeping noise. Taylor opened the door and Joshua climbed in, Taylor shut the door and walked over to his own side of the car. After sitting down and sliding the key into the ignition Taylor looked at his little brother; he had a slight sadness about him, almost as if he was sad to leave the orphanage. He also looked completely baffled by the vehicle, as if he had never been in one before. “Ready?” Taylor asked, and he started the ignition. Joshua continued to sit there in complete silence, once again not even acknowledging the fact that his brother was there.

Taylor and Joshua soon began the long ride back through the country towards home. Everybody would be so happy to see that Taylor had found Joshua, Josh would probably get so much attention when they arrived; Taylor just hoped that this wouldn’t upset him at all. He didn’t seem to like being bothered very much. Taylor tried multiple times to strike up a conversation with Josh, but each time the boy just sat there staring out his window, not even saying one word the entire way. It seemed like they would be having a ride home of dead silence up until one event which occurred just outside of Pearl City; a small shopping city that was on the way back to Taylor and Joshua’s home.

About 5 minutes away from Pearl City, Taylor’s car swerved sharply to the side of the road on its own.

[B]What the hell/!” Taylor shouted as the car jerked to the side. He gripped the steering wheel as if his life depended on it and swung the wheel to the left, hoping to regain control of the car. Oh God! The steering won’t work! Taylor thought in panic as the car continued to swerve along on its own.

The strikingly shiny and new car hit a small pot hole and due to a sudden eruption of the car’s speed, began to spin violently out of control. The vehicle spun in constant circles, kicking up a massive cloud of dust in the middle of the road which blocked Taylor’s vision, making it even harder for him try and regain control of the crazed vehicle. Taylor tried as hard as he could to regain his power over the machine but it was to no avail; he and Joshua, who sat quietly through the entire ordeal, continued to spin down the dirt road at incredibly high speeds.

Sweat flowed down Taylor’s cheeks, he had no ideas, no real thoughts other than What do I do?! Glancing over at Joshua, he was astonished that the boy could sit calmly through all of the chaos of the situation. [I]What the heck is the matter with him?[/I} Taylor thought as he tried helplessly to control his car once again.

After what seemed to be forever the car was still spinning and thrashing across the road, everything through the car’s windows was a blur and it seemed like the world was all just mixing together to become a giant murky pit of colors. The gigantic machine jerked to the left, the right, snapping Taylor’s neck back and forth with violent pulls. The beige clouds of dust out the windows were all that could be seen at this point. Taylor wasn’t even sure if they were still on the road.


The car’s spinning and thrashing soon led them near a small cliff, only about 25 feet tall. Once off of the dirt roads and out of the sandy cloud that had obscured the images of the outside world for so long, Taylor’s eyes practically flew half way from his head as he caught sight of the oncoming edge. In a useless final attempt to save his brother and himself he jerked the steering wheel one last time before the vehicle plunged over the face of the cliff.Through all of this chaos Joshua just continued to sit in his seat calmly.

“AHHHHH!” Taylor screamed as the car hurdled straight down towards the ground at soaring speeds. The man’s head filled to the brim with thoughts of death, worry for his brother, and sorrow for the life that he wouldn’t get to live. However, he was being a bit overdramatic, as flying from a cliff of that height wouldn’t be enough to kill him unless he was extremely unlucky.

As the vehicle smashed into the ground it shattered from the impact of the fall. The rocks beneath the car had protruded up through the metal on the underbelly of the vehicle, destroying most of the car’s mechanics, ripping trough the floor, and puncturing the gas tank, which caused quite the raunchy odor of exhaust fumes and gasoline to arise. Debris that had crumbled from the side of the cliff had dented the roof of the car in several places and every window had been smashed. Glass littered the dashboard of the smoking vehicle and lay atop Taylor’s lap and the two popped air bags that drooped over the front seats.

Taylor glanced around and noticed that two of the car’s doors had flown right off and that the front end of the car looked like an old smashed tin can. My new car is in ruins… Taylor thought as he surveyed the damages on his once shiny yellow vehicle. Upon the inspection he realized that he had much larger problems than his tattered car; Joshua wasn’t in the passenger seat. “JOSH?!” Taylor called out as he hopped over the wreaked console between the two front seats and stepped out of the vehicle; it took only a minute to see where Joshua had gone. He was running away from the scene of the accident, and very quickly too.


Taylor began running after his brother immediately. Why in the world would he be running away? he thought. Taylor was by no means in good shape, he had a very difficult time keeping up with his brother. On multiple occasions he even completely lost sight of Joshua until he would come back into view due to him stopping to catch his breath. Never once did Taylor come close to catching him though, and before long they had ran all the way to Pearl City.

Joshua stopped at the city’s entrance to look back and see if his brother had followed him. Seeing that he had, Joshua took off down Pearl City’s busy main street. Taylor reached the town jut in time to see Josh run into a small department store at the end of the street. The boy couldn’t run any more from in there so Taylor decided to take a moment to catch his breath and grab a glass of spring water from a nearby vendor. Once he had recuperated Taylor walked down towards the small mart.

Taylor walked down the busy streets of Pearl City rather quickly, though when you’re trying to plow through crowds of hundreds of people you can only go so fast. It seemed as if he was getting nowhere since every time he’d look around he would just see more stores selling the same items with the same advertisements on the windows. “Potions, 250P!” on a sign on the left; five minutes later: “Potions, 250P! on another sign.”

Finally, after about ten minutes of non stop walking and pushing through crowds, he reached the end of the street and the mart that Joshua had ran inside. He approached the small blue roofed building and pressed a large green button next to the door, causing the mart’s large glass door to retract and allow him to walk inside.

“Hi! Welcome to the Pokemart!” the clerk behind the nearby counter said. She was about Joshua’s height and had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a tiny scar under her left eye. She was fairly small and youthful looking so she didn’t seem much older than Taylor. “Need any potions? Antidotes? Maybe an escape rope? Just let me know, and I’ll be glad to help you find it!” she said to Taylor very energetically.

“I’m actually looking for a boy that just ran in here,” Taylor said, hoping that she would have seen him when he came in. “He has long brown hair and he’s about this tall,” Taylor told the girl as he held his hand up to show Joshua’s height.

“Oh!” The clerk exclaimed, “He just ran in through the door a few minutes ago! He bolted off towards the back,” she said.

“Thanks!” Taylor said as he ran towards the back of the store. He pushed through the cluttered masses of people looking at items on nearby shelves until he reached the very back wall.

Joshua was nowhere to be found; all that was back here was a large ice cooler full of burn heals, a shelf of paralyze heals, a rack of awakenings, and a storage closet. “There’s only one more place he could be” Taylor thought and he walked up to a storage closet. Taylor reached out and pressed the green button next to the closet’s door causing it to open; sitting on the floor inside was Joshua.

“What are you doing?” Taylor asked, “Why did you run away like that?! Do you know how worried I was?!”

Joshua sat there quietly and listened as his brother bombarded him with questions about why he ran away. “Stop,” he finally said. He stood up and walked towards Taylor, trying to leave the closet by pushing passed him.

“No,” Taylor said as he pushed Joshua back. “You’re not leaving until you explain yourself, what’s going on?”

With that Joshua stepped backwards and just stood there staring at Taylor. Josh had an angry look upon his face, an extremely aggravated and irritated look. Suddenly his eyes developed a faint blue glow and the ground began to shake, causing items to fall off their racks and shelves all around the shop. Small bits of dust began to fall from the ceiling in streams as tiny cracks began to form in it and the lights began to flicker. One of the light bulbs shattered, along with the glass covering the burn heal freezer. “I’m going back, I always go back, now move,” Joshua demanded as he pushed his hand out towards Taylor.

Suddenly a huge gust of wind hit Taylor head on and knocked him backwards into a clearance rack, breaking it. He grunted with pain as the bits of metal from the busted shelf scraped across his arms. The power soon went out and tiles began to fall off of the ceiling, crashing and shattering on the floor belowe. The only light left in the entire store was the light protruding from the flickering television set behind the front counter; how the TV was still on after the power had gone out nobody knew.

Joshua stepped out of the closet and thrust his hand out towards he wall, another ripple in the air flew out and hit the wall, breaking a large gaping hole into it. The vibrations from the blast caused all of the glass in the store to break, and stones to fly everywhere. About half of the roof had caved in by this point. Behind the wall which Joshua had destroyed had been some water pipes, the remnants of them were now flickering with blue sparks. Joshua jumped through the hole in the wall, right through the sparks, and began running down the street once again.

The store clerk walked over to Taylor and grabbed him by the hand, pulling him up. Both of them were badly cut and bruised and were covered in dirt and dust. “What’s going on?! Who are you guys?!” she demanded from him.

Taylor could barely stand, let alone reply. After taking a moment to regain his senses he looked at the young lady and tried to explain.
“My name is Taylor and that was my brother Joshua. My parents gave him up at birth and I was just bringing him back home from an orphanage. We swerved off the road though and fell over a cliff, when we landed he bolted off and came here and now I have no idea what’s going on. I need to go so I can find him and find out though!” Taylor explained and he took off towards the door, limping since he was injured from Joshua’s attack.

“Hold on!” the clerk shouted and she ran after him. “My name’s Jamie and we’ll be a lot faster if we drive after him. My car’s around back, let’s go!” She said and she ran out the door.

“Wait, you’re coming?” Taylor asked, shocked, and he followed her around back.

“You better believe it! I’m not going to let that kid just run off after doing whatever it is he just did to my shop!” she shouted as she climbed into the driver’s seat of her beat up old jeep. Jamie started the ignition and the jeep grumbled to a start; she slammed on the gas as hard as she could and soon they were flying down Main Street. “Watch out for him, I can’t really scout while I’m driving like this,” Jamie said.

Suddenly the two heard a shout from down the street that was coming up on their right. Jamie whipped around the corner sharply and drove down the street at lightning fast speed.

“There!” Taylor shouted and he pointed to an old burnt up apartment building coming up on their right.

Kneeling in front of the building was a security guard and the glass entrance doors were shattered, with blue sparks flying off of their metal frames. Taylor and Jamie jumped out of the vehicle and ran over to the guard. They helped him up and handed the flashlight that he had dropped to him.

“Are you alright?” Jamie asked.

“I think so,” the guard replied. “Some kid ran up to the building and I tried to stop him. This building’s under police investigation after it was set on fire last week so I’m on guard to keep anybody from going in. But the kid was crazy, he just flung his hands out and I flew backwards and he broke through the door!”

“We’ve gotta find him and figure out what’s going on!” Taylor shouted and he ran towards the building.

Jamie and the guard followed behind him and jumped through the sparking door frames. Taylor walked down the entrance hallway and came to a split at the end, each leading to different apartments.

“We’ve gotta split up,” Taylor said. “You two head to the left, I’ll take the right. Shout if you find him, this place is small enough that we should be able to hear each other if we yell,” he said.

Jamie and the guard ran off down the left hallway and Taylor took the right path.

“Now think, it seems like every time Joshua destroys metal it sparks and it looks like he’s destroying walls and doorways to get to where he wants to be. So I need to find a doorway that’s shooting off blue sparks…” Taylor said to himself. He walked down the crisped hall, looking at each room’s destroyed doorway, eagerly awaiting the one that would have his little brother inside just like he had done earlier this morning.

With each step further into the abandoned building a chill swept Taylor’s spine. Ashes sprinkled from splintered wooden beams of the ceiling as he walked under them, covering his hair a smokey dark color as he walked slowly through the halls of the abandoned building. Taylor made sure to intently watch each doorway as he passed, as if he expected some sort of monster to jump out at him every time. Each one of these doorways, if they could even be considered doorways anymore, tended to be covered in rubble, ashes, broken wood, and fallen supports. It seemed like everything was black, either because it was charred or because it was covered in dark ashes.

While walking down the charred halls towards the room with the shattered window at the end, which gave off the only light in the building, Taylor had a little time to think about what was going on with his brother. After all of the things that had happened he thought that he should be able to piece everything together. “Well he’s obviously trying to get back to somewhere, he told me that he always goes back; and he must be trying to get there quickly if he doesn’t even have enough time to open doors,” Taylor thought to himself; however, that was about all Taylor really knew. Everything else he could think of was just assumptions or guesses.

Taylor continued to ponder what was going on with Joshua until he reached the stairway to the second floor. The ceiling above the stairs had caved in and now the stairway was impassible, the cement rocks that were blocking Taylor’s way weren’t dusty or dirty in any way which meant that the ceiling had fallen very recently. “He did this,” Taylor said to himself; “he’s on the upper floor and he blasted the ceiling in to make it so that we couldn’t catch him. Smart kid, well he didn’t count on one thing,” Taylor continued to say to himself as he pulled two tiny red and white balls from his left pants pocket. Taylor clicked the button in the center of each tiny ball, causing each to enlarge to the fit perfectly in his hands. Taylor threw both of the balls to the ground in front of the stairway and they both opened with a loud click. A red beam of light flashed from each ball and took shape on the ground in front of Taylor. Soon, two tall figures had materialized on the first step of the stairway.

The first was about five feet tall and was very muscular. It looked almost human except for a few of its features. Its skin was grayish blue in color and it had four arms. Upon its head were three golden strips and it wore nothing but a small black piece of leather that covered its pelvic region and a golden Pokemon champion’s belt. The large Pokemon looked at Taylor, awaiting his orders.
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Last edited by Sec; 10-31-2009 at 05:08 PM.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:32 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (WIP)

The second was much taller than the first, by about a foot, and though it looked much less powerful it’s actually just about matched the first in terms of strength. This Pokemon looked almost like a human mixed with a bird. Most of its body was orange with yellow markings around the ankles and on its chest. It had two large sharp talons and a large red crest extending from its beak in a V shape over the top of its head. Extending from the back of its head was a long, white, feather-like mane. The orange bird followed the other Pokemon’s example and turned to face Taylor.

“Machamp, Blaziken, help me move these boulders! I need to get up the stairs!” he said to his Pokemon.

With that, Blaziken turned around and blasted one of the rocks with a vicious uppercut. The large chunk of broken cement flew into the air and shatter into hundreds of tiny bits of rock and dust. It continued to do this as well as clenching it’s talons into fists and thrusting flaming punches into the rocks, shattering them in seconds.

Machamp began picking up four stones at a time and throwing them aside with enough force to make them shatter as they touched the ground. As they neared the end of the cement block barricade Machamp let off a flurry of punches destroying the rest of the rocks in a matter of seconds.

“Good job guys! Come on back!” Taylor said to his Pokemon and they were sucked back into their Pokeballs through a bright red light.

Taylor walked up the cracked and charred stairs and saw what he was looking for as soon as he reached the top. About ten doors down the hall from where he was now there was a hole in a wall where a door once was, the hinges from the old door were sending off blue electrical sparks. Taylor sprinted down the hallway, jumping over the rubble that littered the floor and dodging the blue sparks as he ran through the gaping hole in the wall. Once through the doorway he entered a large apartment which was full of nothing but melted and burnt items, rubble, darkness, and a small television sitting atop the destroyed remains of an old TV stand. The television was on and flickering, just like the one in Joshua’s room in the orphanage, and Josh was sitting in front of it, watching the screen intently and muttering. “Josh?” Taylor said as he walked towards the boy.

Joshua jumped up rapidly and stepped back, staring at Taylor.

“I just want to talk to you,” Taylor said. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” he asked of Joshua.

“Go away!” Josh yelled out. “I told you to stop. I told you to let me go back, I need to go back, I always go back!” he continued to shout and he thrust out his hands at Taylor, sending a gust of air flying towards him and sending him flying across the room.

Taylor smashed into the wall next to the large hole he entered through and fell to the ground.

“You should have let me go,” Joshua said. “This time I’ll make sure you do!” he shouted and reached out towards Taylor again.

Taylor’s body started to emit a bright purple glow and he began to float up into the air. Then Joshua turned and Taylor flew across the room at the speed of a bullet, smashing into the wall on the opposite side of the room from where he had been. Joshua held him on the wall about 2 feet off the ground, and pushed him harder and harder into it every second. Suddenly Taylor was overcome with a burning, shocking sensation of pain. His entire body felt as if it had just been thrown into a giant electrical socket. He felt as if he was being burned and electrocuted at the same time. He could feel his skin melting, his heart racing faster than ever before, electricity flowing across his veins, and the hair all over his body charring and burning. However, Taylor was completely fine; Joshua was sending these feelings to Taylor without doing any actual harm to his body. Taylor was thrashing on the wall, convulsing with burning, shocking pain while he was being pushed harder and harder into the cracked wall of the apartment. Taylor couldn’t help but scream, begging for his brother to stop, but Joshua stood there intensifying the pain with each sound that Taylor let out.

Taylor opened his eyes to look at his little brother who was torturing him so badly and saw something that he had never seen before. Hundreds of ghost Pokemon were swimming through the air around Joshua, occasionally lunging into his body to give him their power. Duskulls, Haunters, Shuppets, Gengars, and many more were flying through the air; there had to be at least one hundred ghosts in the room. After that, Taylor finally noticed what was causing all of this to happen. One ghost was not flying around Joshua giving away its ghostly power; rather, it was sitting inside the flickering television laughing and telling Joshua and the other ghosts what to do. After seeing all of this Taylor could finally figure out what was going on. “The ghost was originally in the television at the orphanage and Joshua must have made friends with it,” he thought. “So the ghost must be having its friends give Joshua psychic powers to help him get back to the orphanage where they can be alone,” Taylor realized. He just wished he could have figured it out sooner.

Taylor clenched his eyes shut again and tried to push away the searing pain that was swimming through him; however, it was to no avail. He hung, pressed into the wall, while his brother sent destructive pains flowing throughout his entire body until suddenly it all just stopped. After a loud bang, Taylor fell off the wall and landed face down on to the hard, rocky floor below. He looked up to see what had happened, though it took all of the strength he had just to pick his head up off the ground. What he saw were Joshua’s eyes growing twie as wide as they had already been, while their glow slowly faded. All expression faded from the young boy’s face as he fell to his knees with a blank stare on his face and toppled over in a face down position. All of the ghosts were fleeing in fear. Standing behind all of this were Jamie and the Guard from outside who was holding a gun. The guard had shot Joshua in the back to stop him from torturing Taylor and the ghosts had left because the gunshot had startled them.

Jamie ran over to Taylor and helped him to stand up; Taylor could still slightly feel the tingling pain lingering in his bones.

“What happened?!” Jamie said franticly; “we heard you screaming from down the hall and we came in here to see your brother holding you on the wall with psychic powers! What’s going on?” she asked.

“Joshua made friends with a ghost…” Taylor said. “He was trying to get back to his orphanage… So they could be together again… and the ghost was helping him…” Taylor barely said. He was in so much pain, so exhausted, and so injured that he could barely talk.

“We need to get you to a hospital,” Jamie said; “hey! Come help me carry him out!” she shouted to the guard, he was examining Joshua’s body across the room.

The guard ran over to where Taylor and Jamie were standing and wrapped one of Taylor’s arms over his shoulder, Jamie did the same and they started heading towards the door. They didn’t get very far before they had to stop again.

“Wait,” Taylor whispered. He was seeing something that they couldn’t see; you can only see certain ghost Pokemon when you’ve been touched by their power.

A single Dusknoir had flown into the room and was moving towards Joshua’s body. About 5 feet away from it, the Pokemon jerked back and lunged into the boy’s corpse. Suddenly Josh’s body lifted into the air and began convulsing. The bullet wound in his back sealed and left no marks, Joshua’s eyes flew open, and he lowered back on to the ground, standing up on his own, fully alive. The ghost had poured so much energy and power into Joshua’s body that he was able to come back from the dead.

Taylor, Jamie, and the apartment guard stood watching in shock as the boy who had been lying in front of them, lifeless, just moments ago stared at them and blinked. Joshua was completely horrified and confused; he had no idea what had happened or what was going on since he had been dead just a minute ago. Joshua took a second to focus and realize what he happened and then set his thoughts on getting back to the orphanage. Joshua thrust his arms outwards at the trio and sent them flying back into a wall. When Taylor hit the wall his head slammed into a rock that was jutting out, causing him to fall into unconsciousness.

Taylor woke up the next morning in a hospital bed; he had been changed into a long green hospital gown and he had bandage wrapped around his head. There was an IV inserted into his left arm and he had bandages and stitches all over his body. The room he was in was completely white; next to his bed there was a small table which had his three Pokeballs, a phone, some food, and a note pad on it; there was a small television set bolted to the wall in the upper left corner of the room; Jamie and the guard where nowhere to be found and the bed next to his was empty.

Suddenly an explosion was heard from down the hallway, followed by screaming and the sounds of a massive panic. Taylor jumped out of his bed and took a step towards the door before realizing that he still had an IV in his arm. The IV pulled back on Taylor’s arm and Taylor had to slowly pull it out to move any further. Just as he finished removing his IV he saw what the problem was outside; Joshua was standing in the doorway of his room. The television turned itself on and started making static noise. Taylor knew immediately that they weren’t alone.

“What do you want from me?” Taylor asked. “You got what you wanted! I’m not chasing you anymore! You can go back and be happy with your friend!” he shouted at the boy who was stepping closer to him.

“No, I have to get rid of you,” Joshua said. “He told me so. You’ll keep following me until you’ve taken me away from him! So I have to stop you!” Joshua shouted and he used his ghost powers to throw Taylor into a wall, causing all of the decorative pictures in the room to fall off of the walls and shatter. Taylor fell back down onto the floor, leaving cracks in the wall where he had slammed into it.

“Josh, I’m done!” Taylor said to his brother. “You can go back! I give up!” he pleaded.

“Liar!” Joshua shouted and he threw Taylor into another wall.

“You’re a coward, you know that?!” Taylor shouted at the television set on the wall. “If you want me to leave Josh alone then why don’t you come get rid of me instead of using him like some sort of puppet?!” he yelled.

With that, Joshua stepped back and the ghost behind everything decided to show itself. Slowly, a plasma-like ball of gas floated from the television screen and began taking the shape of the ghost Pokeomn. The ghost looked like a small orange ball with a horn. It was only about a foot tall and its entire body was sparking with blue electricity. It hovered in the air around the television and used it to talk. Instead of the Pokemon actually talking on it’s own it would send techno-like sounds from the television speakers that sounded like words.

“He is my friend, not my puppet,” the words flowed from the TV’s speakers in hardly understandable beeps and boops.

“Then prove it!” Taylor shouted. “Why don’t you stop me instead of making him do it? That’s what a real friend would do!” he shouted to the sparking ghost.

Suddenly he was lifted into the air and the same fiery electrical pain from the apartment was filling his body again. Taylor had hoped that the Rotom would retreat and that Joshua would think it didn’t really care for him, but it back fired. Taylor didn’t have a backup plan so he would have to improvise. He could just barely reach one of the Pokeballs on his desk; he grabbed it and dropped it to the floor, causing it to release the Pokemon that it held inside. A red light shot out of the ball and materialized into a Weavile right under Taylor’s feet.

The Pokemon could see that its trainer was in trouble so it bounded into the air, pulled back and swung it’s claws at the Rotom and dropped back to the floor. The ghost lost concentration which allowed Taylor to drop back to the floor.

“Thank you Weavile!” taylor grunted as he tried to stand. Now let’s show him how to really torture somebody! Icy Wind!” he shouted.

Weavile jumped up on to the hospital bed and sucked in the air around it like a vacuum. When it exhaled, an icy freezing cold wind blew from its mouth [b]and glided through the air, dropping tiny bits of snow and ice along the way, towards Rotom. The chilling breath hit the ghost head on and it fell backwards as it was bombarded by crystal-like chunks of ice and sub-zero temperatures.

“Now use Night Slash Weavile!” Taylor said to his sharp clawed Pokemon.

Weavile darted at Rotom with lightning fast speed, its claws glowing with an ethereal black aura as it approached the electrical ghost. The demonic feline dove at Rotom as it neared and swung both claws and slashed the paranormal spark cluster with its darkness imbued claws.

”ROTOM!” the ghost cried out as it flew back through the air, away from Weavile as the black cat dropped back to the ground. Rotom’s normally smiling face now flipped to an expression of anger as it curled its arms of electricity and began charging an attack. The television let out a piercing screech as Rotom allowed a beam of glowing electrical energy to protrude from its body and flow into Weavile.

The red crowned feline fell back as it was stricken by the Charge Beam. The shimmering current of electrical power lowed through its body as it stood frozen with paralysis. “Wea… Wea…” it moaned as it attempted, to no avail, to step out of the paralyzing beam.

Rotom chuckled at its success as it moved towards a cheap light fixture in the center of the ceiling, the Charge Beam still linking its body to Weavile’s no matter which way it moved. Rotom drifted into the bulb of the room’s light, releasing its electrical hold on Weavile and allowing the icy Pokemon to move again.

“WEAVILE” the Pokemon cried as it leaped through the air and swung at the disappearing ghost in anger, just missing Rotom by a hair and falling back to the floor.

Rotom decided to have a little fun with Weavile as it cranked up the intensity of the light being emitted by the bulb and blinding Weavile with a sharp Flash. Unfortunately, a cheap hospital light bulb can only hold a light of such intensity for so long; and after just a few seconds, the light shattered and propelled the electrical poltergeist back into the hospital room.

Weavile stumbled around trying find the glowing ghost, still blinded from the lights that had just been overpowering all sight of the room. The dark ice Pokemon could hardly help but stumble over every tiny thing it came upon as it attempted to seek its prey.

’TOM!” Rotom shouted. The ghost Pokemon let off a small Thundershock at Weavile, who had just fallen flat on the floor. The electricity shot straight at the fallen feline and ran across its skin, once again causing Weavile to moan its own name in pain.

Well, if he’s to blind to use any prcise attacks we’ll just have to go wider, Taylor thought as he watched his poor Pokemon get mauled by this ghost. “Weavile, use Dark Pulse! Shake up the whole room!”

Weavile stood up and took in another deep breath; however, instead of icy this time a wave of dark energy rippled throughout the room in every direction. The Dark Pulse knocked over several items in the room, including the IV stand and the plastic dishes on Taylor’s bedside table, and caused all of the glass in the room to shatter.

Flying around the room in a frantic panic, Rotom finally realized there would be no avoiding the attack and braced itself for impact. The wave of dark energy bent around Rotom’s paranormal form and flowed tightly through its body, sending it spiraling downwards; as it was too weakened by the blast to keep itself afloat. Luckily for the Pokemon, it had been in a good position before taking the blast; as it floated downwards through the air is drifted right into a microwave oven which had been set on top of an old refrigerator. As Rotom passed through the top of the oven the door flew open and flames burst out in random directions. Two tiny eyes formed on the top of the large food heater as it floated into the air and began glowing with red electrical sparks.
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Last edited by Sec; 10-31-2009 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:32 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (WIP)

”What in the world…” Taylor muttered as he watched the microwave being taken over by Rotom. He had never heard of a ghost taking over any sort of object before. “Weavile, that thing is hot and dangerous! Use Agility and avoid its attacks at all costs!” he shouted to his exhausted Pokemon.

Weavile had taken quite the beating thus far but now that it was able to see again it was hoping to turn the tables in its own favor. Weavile began running around the room, jumping over the hospital bed, the knocked over dishes, and anything else that was in its way and quickly began picking up speed. Soon enough, Weavile wasn’t even visible because it was running so fast.

Rotom shot off Thunderbolt after Thunderbolt towards the sprinting feline, though each attack missed completely and just managed to destroy whatever was behind Weavile at the time the attack was launched. The ghost was becoming evermore frustrated by the Pokemon’s ridiculous speed and let loose a piercing screech of anger through the television’s speakers. The ghost probably would have just blown up the room by now had Joshua not been inside.

”Weavile, use X-Scissor!” Taylor called, hoping that Rotom was almost defeated.

‘WEAVE!” the dark Pokemon screeched as it flew off its circular speed track and pulled each of its claws back over its shoulders. As it jumped through the air towards Rotom it let its arms fly back out to its sides, slashing through the microwave and seriously hindering its further usability by Rotom. Upon reaching the ground again, Weavile took off once again in its circular path around the room.

Rotom was tired of playing games with Weavile; it wanted to destroy the annoying icy feline. “Take this!” the television beeped out as a large ball of electricity flew through the air towards the center of the room and exploded. A wide electrical current flew throughout the whole room and hit everything, including Weavile. As Weavile buckled over on the floor once again in paralysis Rotom took the opportunity to finish it off. The possessed microwave’s door flung open violently and the fire building up inside was released right at the immobile Weavile.

The black, red crowned, ice cat stared in horror as it as bombarded by Rotom’s Overheat, unable to move. “WEAVILE!” the Pokemon screamed as the flames engulfed its body and it slowly fainted.

As the fire sputtered away from his Pokemon, Taylor was able to see that Rotom has been victorious and Weavile had been knocked out. Taylor reached out with the fainted cat’s Pokeball and recalled the black feline back inside.

“How’s that for friendship?” Rotom taunted. “Apparently mine and Joshua’s friendship is stronger than yours and Weaviles!” Rotom stabbed with a laugh.

“I’ll show you a strong friendship!” Taylor shouted as he tossed a second Pokeball to the ground, right where Weavile had been lying. He knew that it wasn’t good to allow himself to get worked up over pointless, empty, nasty comments like the ones Rotom had thrown at him, but he was getting extremely aggravated with the ghost.

The ball cracked open as it hit the floor and a bright red light burst forth and began to take shape as the ball returned to the trainer’s hands. The sparkling red luminescence quickly took the shape of the tall red and tan bird man that had helped Taylor move the stones in the burnt apartment building.

“Blaziken, let’s get rid of this thing! Sky Uppercut it!” Taylor said to his newly called Pokemon.

Blaziken rushed towards the floating microwave and thrust its talon fist upwards; jumping when its arm was extended as far as it could reach. The blaze Pokemon’s talons smashed through the bottom of the microwave with a large flash; forcing Rotom out of the appliance and causing it to take its normal form.

Rotom let out yet another loud screech through the television set as it opened its mouth wide to take in air. After sucking in as much air as its little ghost body could hold, the Pokemon blew out with excessive force, forcing a strong gust which radiated ghostly energy to fly in Blaziken’s direction. The Ominous wind struck Blaziken head on; and while the blast didn’t budge Blaziken at all, the ghostly radiation within the winds whipped and stung at the chicken-like Pokemon’s skin. Rotom slowly drifted backwards towards the mini-fridge which the microwave had previously sat upon while the bird was bombarded by the blast.

As Taylor watched Rotom drift inside of the refrigerator he was already thinking about what was about to happen. The fridge slowly began to rise up from the ground and two small eyes materialized just atop the appliance. As Rotom floated into the air, the fridge’s electrical plug snapped from outlet it was plugged into and the orange freezer began emitting a purple glow.

Immediately Rotom prepared an assault on the red avian man Pokemon. The double doors of the mini food cooler swung open and large chunks of ice began flying throughout the room. The attack seemed similar to what Weavile had done earlier, only this was much more intense. The entire room was coated in snow, the air was bitter cold, and all vision was clouded by the white powder which thrashed through the air. Hail and bombs of ice spun throughout the air, smashing into anything that happened to stand in their paths.

Blaziken took a defensive stance against the Blizzard, shielding its eyes and hoping that its trainer would give it new orders soon so it wouldn’t have to endure the frosty abuse any longer. The snow and hail continued to snap against the crimson orange Pokemon’s feathers as it waited impatiently.

“Let’s melt some of this stuff Blaizken, use Flare Blitz!” Sec shouted as he covered his own face from the biting cold.

Blaziken’s body erupted into flames. Every inch of the blazing Pokemon’s body was coated in fire which melted any ice, snow, or hail that came within several feet of it. “BLAZE!” he yelled as he darted through the air as Rotom as fast as he could, smashing into the fridge’s open doors with excessive force and causing the appliance to fly back into the wall of the hospital room, breaking into several pieces and once again sending the injured Rotom back out to fight for itself.

“Let’s finish this, Blaziken!” Sec shouted as he saw the worn out expression upon Rotom’s once smiling face. “Hit it with everything you’ve got! Blast Burn!”

Blaziken jumped back, planting its warm feet in the quickly melting snow on the hospital floor. The Pokemon sucked in as deep of a breath as it could possibly take and released it all along with an incredibly large burst of flames. The gigantic fireball soared through the air, littering the floor with flares and ashed, and engulfed Rotom’s tiny ghost body, burning the ectoplasmic bundle of electricity to a crisp. As the fire cleared up, the first thing that Taylor caught sight of was the ‘all powerful’ lying fainted on the ground.


Taylor pulled Blaziken into its Pokeball and walked over to the fainted ghost. “That’s how real friends do it,” he said to the Rotom as it sat there almost lifelessly. Taylor looked over at his brother and saw that he was tearing up.

He had just seen his best friend beaten by Taylor and he knew that this would be the end for him and the little ghost. Taylor wished it didn’t have to be like that and then realized that it didn’t. Why couldn’t the Rotom just come live with them? Taylor grabbed an empty Pokeball off of his bedside table and walked over to Rotom. Taylor dropped the ball on to the fainted Pokemon and watched as the ghost flew into the ball and it sealed shut. The ball moved once, twice, all it had to do was move once more and maybe, just maybe, Taylor, Joshua, and his friend Rotom could all live together in happiness…
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Old 09-23-2009, 05:58 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (WIP)

Exposition:

The Exposition is, to be precise, the point at which each of three main components of the story are exposed (hence the term). These components are Main Characters, Setting, and Plot.

Main Characters: There are basically two main characters, both of whom are introduced in some way during the beginning of the story. The first, and the one that I’m gonna concentrate on here, is Taylor. Obviously, he’s the protagonist of the story, so it’s fitting that he should be described here early on. However, there are a few things that were missing, or weren’t quite up to par. You took the space of a paragraph to describe his appearance, though it was kind of bland. You also gave me very little information to go on as to his personality. It’s also important to remember to create a personality for your characters early on, so that later in the story, the reader will understand why he or she does certain things or makes certain decisions. I’ll go into this more a little later on.

Setting: Again, you described the original setting with quite a few adjectives, but they were rather mundane. I think I counted the word ‘brown’ three times in the second sentence. Instead of saying ‘brown, almost beige,’ or ‘dark brown,’ try to think of more descriptive ways to describe the shade. ‘Dark brown’ could be ‘chocolate-colored‘, ‘sienna‘, ‘the color of coffee grounds.’ Similarly, you used ‘elegant red and gold’ to describe the color of both the rugs on the floor and the blanket on the bed. Repetition may be a useful device in poetry, but in a story, it’s much more advantageous to mix it up a little more. On top of all that, I never actually found out where the house was until much later (I assume it’s in Pearl City).

Intro to Conflict: I’ll be perfectly honest; the introduction to your plot felt really, really hackneyed. Taylor’s father is dying, and suddenly he reveals his deepest, darkest secret that Taylor actually has a brother… Given the plot of the story, this fits well enough, but in my personal opinion it just didn’t seem that original. And I also found it strange that the excuse for giving up Joshua was that Taylor’s parents didn’t have enough money to support two kids when the intro made it seem like Taylor’s dad was the freaking Godfather… or they at least were very, very well off and came from a well-to-do family. But maybe I just misinterpreted the beginning.

Plot:

As I’ve mentioned, I really didn’t like the way you introduced the plot. However, I’ve already talked that to death, so I’m going to focus on the real meat of the plot here. The introduction aside, I thought this was a very strong storyline, and quite original. My problem is that you didn’t really develop it much. I mean, after Taylor meets his little brother, the whole thing is basically Taylor chasing after Joshua as little Joshy destroys everything in his path. Not only was the pace a bit too fast, but there really weren’t any curveballs in there. It seemed like Taylor knew exactly where he was going every step of the way, and there was little to no suspense. I mean, the second you mentioned that Joshua talked to the TV a lot, I put two-and-two together with the title and knew exactly what was going on. Part of this has to do with your description, which I’m going to go into in a minute.

Character(s):

Obviously, there are two main characters here, Taylor and Joshua. The one I’m going to focus on more is Taylor because there are some important things to be said about him. My problem with the way you portrayed Taylor is that you gave him very little personality, if any at all. A character’s personality is generally revealed through the way they feel about different situations they’re put in. One part I marked specifically for myself was the point right before Sister Rose opens the door to Joshua’s room and Taylor is about to see his little brother for the very first time. And yet, you showed me no emotion whatsoever on Taylor’s part. How did he feel? Nervous? Scared? I mean, he’s already been given big hints that there’s something sinister going on with his brother, so those two emotions would be perfect for the situation, yet he feels nothing, as far as I can tell from what you wrote. In fact, the only time that Taylor really shows any emotion was at the very end when he confronts Rotom.

Another point I would like to make here had to do with two characters in particular: Jamie and the security guard that helps Taylor towards the end. These two characters have incredibly minor parts in the story that really wouldn’t have been missed if they had been left out. When you bring a character to the forefront, you need to make sure they have an important purpose and a background that you can develop as the story moves on. Otherwise, the characters stick out like sore thumbs. Believe me, I’ve done it myself on occasion, and it doesn’t help the story much.

Detail/Description:

As I’ve already mentioned, I think, your description throughout was lacking in quality rather than quantity. For this story, what you really lacked were adjectives that would contribute to a specific mood. In the introduction, for example, you should have chosen words that would give the bedroom a terribly miserable atmosphere. I hate to suggest that you do a complete renovation of the room, but consider this: Which would you find more fitting for a death scene; a room with red and gold carpets and drapes, that clearly belongs to a wealthy man who probably lived a pretty happy life, or a really dimly lit bedroom with black drapes, dust on every picture, and peeling grey wallpaper? Then, you could add in a few women crying silently into a handkerchief, and a couple of men standing around the bed, looking as if they’re about to tear up themselves. Again, characters’ emotions factor very heavily into the mood of a story, but you largely left Taylor’s emotions out of his talk with his father… you didn’t even mention him crying until the very end of the scene. This whole tirade about creating a mood goes for the scene where Taylor is running through the burnt building, which I imagine would have been quite scary, like a horror movie where you know the killer is about to pop out from around a corner, you just don’t know which corner he’s behind.

Also, you need to think about scenes where you should add in masses of description to really drag them out. One that you succeeded well with was the one where Joshua uses his powers to push Taylor up against a wall and torture him. However, another place where I think you should have really put everything into slow motion was when Taylor loses control of his car and drives off a cliff. That’s the kind of thing that could easily take up a page on its own if you really drag it out, which is what you should do with intense scenes like that.

Grammar:

Given that this was going for a Demanding Pokemon, I feel no guilt at getting a little nitpicky. I’m not going to grade you too harshly on this grammar stuff, it’s mostly just to help improve the way you write.

Quote:
Taylor’s father had been diagnosed with an extremely deadly tumor and was about to pass on, everybody was taking turns saying their final goodbyes to him.
This sentence is actually two independent clauses smooshed together. An independent clause is basically something that could work on its own as a sentence. In this case, you could’ve turned the comma after “pass on” into a period and capitalized “everybody” and you’d have two different sentences. When you join independent clauses like that, you should either use a semi-colon (in place of the comma you used), or put a conjunction (in this case, ‘and’ would work best) after the comma.

Quote:
“It’s nice to meet you sister rose,” he said…
You did the same thing earlier on, too, I just didn’t mark it. First of all, Sister Rose should be capitalized, secondly, whenever a character addresses another, you always put a comma before and after the name of the person they’re addressing, if applicable. In this case, you should have put a comma at the end of ‘you.’ Had the sentence read “‘Sister Rose, it’s nice to meet you,’ he said…” then as you can see you would’ve put a comma at the end of the name.

Also, remember that the names of items (like Potion and Pokeball) and attacks (like Giga Impact) should always be capitalized. I noticed more than a few places where they weren’t.

However, your grammar was fine on the whole.

Length:

This was fine for the requirement, but if you had really developed the plot, it would’ve been much longer. :o

Battle:

I thought the battle was alright. I won’t go into too much detail here, since there isn’t a lot to say. However, I expected this battle to be a lot longer. 5k for a Demanding Pokemon that has been described as so incredibly powerful throughout the story seems quite short; it should‘ve been at least 10k characters, to be honest. . All of Taylor’s Pokemon are fully evolved, and really should’ve lasted a lot longer, as should Rotom. To make it brief, you need to use more attacks and describe in more vivid detail. There isn’t much else to say.

Outcome:

Overall, the story just wasn’t strong enough, so I have to say Rotom not captured. If you want to catch the little bugger, I would suggest that you go back and change some of your descriptions, or add some, so that they become more lifelike, give Taylor more emotions, and definitely lengthen the battle. (Fixing the grammar mistakes I found and looking for similar ones helps too). Put any additions or changes in bold so that I can see what you did. Your story was fairly well done, but just not good enough. If you work at it, I know you can improve. I look forward to your PM asking for a regrade. :)
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I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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  #6  
Old 11-01-2009, 05:36 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (WIP)

Revisions are done :]
New character count: 60,357
Wow, I went over the limit @_@ (I should have totally added in a Gastly capture xD)
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Last edited by Sec; 11-17-2009 at 01:40 AM.
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  #7  
Old 12-12-2009, 04:24 PM
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Default Re: Chasing Rotom (Waiting on Regrade)

It certainly seems like you added plenty more of description, especially to the surroundings. Also, the battle was nice and lengthy with a good array of attacks and Rotom-possesion. However, you have to be careful that when you edit or add something for a re-grade that you don’t add more mistakes than there already are. I saw missing quotation marks, misspelled words, uncapitalized words, and at the end of the battle, you even switched from “Taylor” to “Sec.” Yes, you added more, but the mistakes in your edits can make a grader think, “He added more, but it doesn’t seem like he put a great effort into this. Why should I pass him?”

On top of the mistakes Elrond pointed out, make sure that every number below “100” is written out. So it’s not “15-years-old” but “fifteen-years-old”, and so on.

Also, I can’t help but point out that Joshua’s adoption process was too… unrealistic. So Sister Rose would allow some guy who claims to be Josh’s brother to adopt him on the spot. On top of that, when someone is going to adopt a child, whoever is charge of the adoption process makes sure that the person will be able to provide for the child and take care of him, so how do they know Taylor isn’t dirt poor or a druggie living on the streets? This is where the realism of the story veers off, and it can certainly effect the outcome of the capture.

Nonetheless, you did what Elrond said, so Rotom captured! Once again, be careful with your grammar and your realism! Have a nice day. :o

- Kat
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