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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-01-2009, 07:20 AM
Neltharion_deathwing's Avatar
Neltharion_deathwing Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,540
Default New Age (Ready for grading)

Target: Venonat
Difficulty: Medium
Characters: 13,680


The rain poured relentlessly down the dark skies. From my window, trees swayed as the strong winds blew past. Leaves which were unable to withstand the power of the wind feel from their branches and were swept along by the wind. Those which did, swayed with the branches and generated loud rustling noises. It was one of those days where going outdoors was a near impossible thing.

"Looks like I can't meet them today," I mumbled, letting out a sigh of disappointment. A young high-schooler like me was supposed to be spending his weekend out with his friends but due to the what seemed like never ending rain, I was left alone at home. Already in my white tee with black coat, and had a dark blue jeans put on, I was already all prepared to go out. Now lying on sofa with both my hands as pillow, I looked up the ceiling and wondered how I was supposed to spend all this time alone at home.

My parents were doctors and nurses at a nearby hospital and their jobs require them to be ready for call ups twenty four hours around the clock. Sometimes, they even have to work overnight at the hospital if there was any emergency or such. They had little time for me, but it was something I had already gotten used to. Whilst they are gone, I would normally either hang around with my friends or be at my computer doing something.

My father had a honest looking face, thick eyebrows accompanied with small eyes. People often had trouble figuring out if he was opening or closing his eyes as they could not spot his eyeballs. He had relatively short and black hair which he often explains that he kept it that way so as to maintain a proper doctor image.

My mother, on the other hand, was what people would normally call a ravishing stunning beauty. I often wondered how my father was able to woo my mother successfully. She had long silky smooth black hair, the proportions of the features of her face were just perfect and she was always carrying a smile.

As for me, a product of them two. I inherited my father's small eyes and my mother's charm. I have girls in class who would often come offer to share with me their lunches and girls who give me chocolates during Valentines. Not that I am trying to be a show off, but I must admit I do have some popularity in the school I am in.

I turned sideways slightly to look at the clock above my television which was just directly in front of the sofa. It just hit noon. My house was like any others. A huge living room which leads to a kitchen where my mother would normally be if she got off early from work. A flight of stairs stood behind me, leading up to the second story where the master bedroom, my room and an empty guest room were.

"Let's just watch some television," I thought to myself as I took up the remote control which was on the coffee table in front of me. Then with it, I pressed the little red button amongst the many other buttons to switch the television on. Light appeared from the television, followed by sounds of the current program.

[Download now and be able to enjoy one month subscription free trial!] says the commercial from the television. I sat up from my position and peered at the title of the game

"Pokemon online? They are still developing this childish game? How dumb..." I mumbled to myself.

"Bleah, how boring. Nothing interesting on the television either," I thought to myself. I stood up from my seat and walked towards the flight of stairs. One hand on the railings of the stairs, I turned my head back to look at the clock again.

"Twelve o five eh? What a day..." I sighed and walked up the stairs and into my room. My room was just like any ordinary room, square, white walls, nothing special. At where I was standing, at the door, the bed was on my left. while the wardrobe was to my right. The computer table was directly in front of me, by a window which was now closed to prevent rain from coming in.

I walked towards the table, pulled out the chair and took a seat on it. Bending down, I had my finger pressing on the button on the CPU which would turn the thing on. Then the computer got started as some noise was generated within the CPU. I always wondered what actually happens inside a CPU and how those chips work, but I never had the guts to actually screw it open to look at what was inside. It was just amazing how people managed to invent such things.

While waiting for the main page, I turned around to look at my room. As usual my bed was in a mess. My mother would used to do it for me normally but since she left before I could wake up today, the bed is therefore as it is, messy and unsightly. Sighing for the third time, I stood up and walked towards the bed. Picking up the blanket, I attempted to fold it in a neat way.
This would make my mother's job a little easier, I thought to myself. After several attempts, finally the bed looked neater. It was a half decent effort, still nothing like what my mother could do.

I walked back to my seat. The computer was now ready for use. I opened the Internet Explorer and went to my usual sites.

"Facebook, check. Soccernet, check. Pspiso, check. Onemanga, check," I mumbled to myself. Those were the sites I frequent whenever I use the computer. I looked at the digital clock at the bottom right of my computer.

"12.30?! Gosh, why does time seem to go so slow today," I muttered to myself. Lying back on my seat, I wondered where to go next. I had games to play but I got bored of them already. I needed new games, new forms of entertainment.

Just then, something struck upon my head. My fingers got alive again, as I typed in the following URL, 'http://www.pokemononline.com'. I remembered the commercial on the television and wondered perhaps I could just check it out.

"Wow, check out the graphics man," I said while watching the trailers and gameplay videos of the game. Soon, I found myself clicking on the download button on the website. Looking at the estimated time needed for the download to complete and realizing it would take around 10 minutes, I decided to go to the kitchen to grab myself a drink and some snacks to munch on.

With that, I walked out of the room and went down the stairs and into the kitchen. Just as I was getting some stuff out from a cupboard, the phone rang. Leaving my stuff on the table, I rushed to the living room to grab the phone.

"Hello, Rin here. Who's calling?" I answered the phone and said.

"Rin! Primula here. Look at the sky outside! It has stopped raining already! We can go out already," the voice over the phone spoke. It was a girl's voice, sweet, sharp and at a high pitch.

"Give me a minute," I replied, placing the phone down and walked towards the window. True enough, the skies were much clearer now. I looked at the clock. It was twelve forty five already. I walked back to pick up the phone.

"Haha, yeah, it's stopped raining already. But, hey, I've got things to do at home so, yeah, I won't be going with you guys. Sorry," I said over the phone.

"Well, that's a pity. Okay, take care then, see you," replied Primula. With that she put down the phone.

"Now for that Pokemon online!" I said to myself,feeling so excited and completely unaware that just some time ago, I was saying that it was a childish game. I walked back to the kitchen, took the stuff I had left there and went back up to the room. When I finally returned back to my room, I placed the food items by the side of the computer on the table and clicked on the program newly installed.

'Start by creating an account' says the program. I obeyed and within seconds, I was at the starting page of the game.

'Create your character' was the next instruction. Browsing through the selection of items and objects and styles I could use to design my character, I eventually ended up with a male character with long spiky grey hair, topless and wearing only a black long pants.

Next up was to choose a starter Pokemon. I looked through the list of Pokemons that were eligible for selection as a Starter and had my eyes fixed upon a black fierce looking dog. It had silvery plating on its head and cuffs on its paws. It was a Houndour.

'Would you like to nickname your Pokemon?' asked the program. I was too lazy to think of a new name and was too eager to start the game, I declined that option. I was then told I was given a starter bag and in it were five Pokeballs and five potions.

Finally, the game started. I found my character appearing in the middle of a plain with my Pokemon alongside me. There was a minimap at the top right of the screen. On the same screen I could other mini creatures walking around aimlessly. I hovered my pointer above it. Where it used to be an arrow, it turned into a sword when the pointer was on the other wild creatures. This one I had my pointer fixed on was a little green caterpillar. I read the name on it.

"Caterpie. How creative can they get," I muttered. I clicked on it a second time and saw both my character and the Houndour walking towards it. Then my Houndour started firing balls of fire at the little creature from a distance. A green life bar appeared at the top of the Caterpie's head as it walked towards my Houndour. Whenever the red ball hit the Caterpie, shades of red appeared within the life bar shortening the green bar.

Before it could reach my Houndour, the bar was filled with read and the little creature faded off the screen, leaving behind a gold coin. I clicked on the coin and saw that i had earned myself 10 gold, while my Houndour had earned itself 10 experience from that battle.

Time passed quickly as i got more used to the mechanics of the game. Two hours later, my Houndour had reached level 10 and had got itself some skills.

"Time to catch some Pokemon," I thought to myself. With that intention in mind, I walked around the field to find some Pokemon I could catch. Just then, on my screen, I saw a purple creature walking towards my Houndour. I zoomed into the creature to catch a better glimpse of the Pokemon. It was hairy with feelers on its head. Its hands were so small, they were hardly visible. I clicked on the Pokemon. It was called a Venonat.

"Right, let's try catching this!" I muttered to myself. I did a right click on my Houndour to use the Flamethrower. The icon was that of a fireball and as soon as I clicked it, the black dog Pokemon opened its mouth. Emerging from its throat and between its teeth was a blast of orange and red fiery flames. The flames were directed towards the Venonat which made no attempt to dodge. It was a computer game nonetheless, artificial intelligence such as dodging was not invented yet. The life bar of the Bug Pokemon started diminishing as more red instead of green appeared as the flames seem to come out non-stop from the Houndour's mouth.

"YES!" I thought to myself, excited about my new catch.

Just then, the Venonat unleashed an attack of its own. Its feelers moved and from above my Houndour's head, I could see shimmering powder falling down . The flames stopped as soon as that move made contact with my Houndour. The string of alphabets 'Zzz' appeared above my Houndour's head as it now stood lying there motionless. The Venonat then took this opportunity to land a couple of Tackles on my Houndour by lunging and throwing its body at mine.

"Wake up!" I shouted at the computer when I saw the health of my Houndour diminishing this time. I clicked on the bag icon situated at the bottom of the screen and to my disappointment, there was no full heal or awakening. All I had were Potions which would only sustain my Houndour for a couple of attacks.

Just than the Venonat decided to unleash a new attack. Its body glowed and within seconds, circular sonic waves could be seen, produced by the Venonat and causing massive damage to my Houndour.

"Signal Beam!?!?" I exclaimed out as the exact words flashed on the screen above Venonat's head when it executed the move for the first time. Alas, I was running out of Potions. I wondered what I could do. It was so close, a few more hits and I would be able to throw a ball at it. I sighed and decided that it was useless. All I could hope for was a miracle. I looked out the window. It was all bright and sunny now. The dark clouds earlier had cleared and now the sky was clear blue with pretty white clouds hanging across it.

Just then, my Houndour started twitching a little. The alphabets on its head disappeared as it once again stood on its feet. This was followed by the same move I had earlier made it to execute. Flames started appearing again and Venonat was once again taking massive damage. My Houndour was however, fainting soon. It was now a matter of luck. I had my fingers ready on the catch button. A mistimed click could mean a dead Venonat or a dead Houndour.
Then as soon as I saw the last portion of the green left on the Venonat before any more attack would render it dead, I clicked on the button that would allow me to throw a ball at it.

At that instance, the Venonat transformed into a ball which was floating in mid-air before dropping to the ground. A timer appeared above the red and white ball, starting from three and counting downwards. My Houndour had also only a tiny bit of health left. Calling back to its ball to allow it to rest, I had my eyes on the timer again.

"3... 2... 1..." read the words which appeared and faded out from the above the ball.

Then appeared a pop-up which wrote, "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE CAUGHT A VENONAT!"

I smiled at that scene as I threw myself back on the chair, resting my head against my arms supporting it from the back. A sense of accomplishment then engulfed me...

Last edited by Neltharion_deathwing; 10-16-2009 at 04:06 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-16-2009, 04:08 PM
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Neltharion_deathwing Offline
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Posts: 1,540
Default Re: New Age (Ready for grading)

lookin for graders... =P
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  #3  
Old 10-31-2009, 09:44 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Default Re: New Age (Ready for grading)

EDIT:

So sorry this took so long, ND. I honestly tried to do it quickly - but that failed miserably.
However, I hope getting it done makes up for it. (Somewhat).


Introduction:
In the beginning, I was greeted with a vivid paragraph on scenery - which set the mood for the story. Although most readers would prefer action of some sort, giving insight into the surroundings is not only essential, but fits in well with your piece. The story then began to move at a slower pace, describing your character (albeit in an interesting way - by explaining what they were wearing through the plans they made) as well as what the parents do/look like. I was waiting for some sort of action, but it never really came until later in the story. I understand you're setting the scene and building up to something, but a lot of people find reading difficult if there's nothing too engaging in the beginning. Good description, but next time - try to throw a little more action in there to shake things up; even interesting quotes or some comedy does the trick!


Plot:
The day begins - and it's boring. And then you walk upstairs, because it's boring. Ad then you get online, because you're bored. Then BOOM - Pokemononline, because of the subliminal TV ads. It seems a little choppy, and you admit that in your story.

Quote:
"Now for that Pokemon online!" I said to myself,feeling so excited and completely unaware that just some time ago, I was saying that it was a childish game.
I just... I don't really understand how or why Rin's opinion changed so fast, because I don't get a lot of idea into Rin's personality. You give me endless description about the looks of Rin, the surroundings, the parents, Pokemon... but not about your main character. They're bored, I understand that. They want to go out with friends, but can't - so Rin watches TV. That's perfectly fine.. but then Rin says it's a childish game! Why? Did the graphics look bad? Were there young children in the commercial? What influenced Rin's decision? And then - the opinion changed magically because, on a whim and for no reason what-so-ever because Rin admitted the game was childish, it's looked into? It seems really awkward. I know it's a short story, but you should explain WHY things happen or WHY people think the way they do. Rin just seemed one dimensional to me, while I felt more connection to Houndour and Venonat.

Rin's feelings aside, the plot was very unique. I rarely see computer interaction stories - and when I do, they're with Rotom or Porygon. Seeing Venonat left me surprised because I was expecting something electric or well - computer like. Nice twist, there. Just make sure in future stories, to explain why rather than just actions.


Dialogue:
Most of your dialogue was spoken by Rin, which isn't neccessarily a bad thing. One thing I did notice though, was it was all Rin sighing and mumbling and such.

Quote:
I mumbled, letting out a sigh of disappointment
I thought to myself as I took up the remote control which was on the coffee table in front of me.
I mumbled to myself.
I thought to myself.
I sighed and walked up the stairs and into my room.
Sighing for the third time,
I muttered to myself.
I muttered.
I sighed and decided that it was useless.
I understand that Rin is a teenager and is highly bored, but I want there to be more of him. Feelings, reasons why, emphasis based on the words you use in your dialogue. However, the amount used and the grammar concerned within was perfect. :D

Grammar:
I noticed quite a few errors concerning word order or repetitive words.

Quote:
The rain poured relentlessly down the dark skies. From my window, trees swayed as the strong winds blew past. Leaves which were unable to withstand the power of the wind feel from their branches and were swept along by the wind. Those which did, swayed with the branches and generated loud rustling noises.
Quote:
The rain poured relentlessly down [b]from[b] the dark skies. From my window, trees swayed as the strong winds blew past. Leaves which were unable to withstand the power of the wind, fell from their branches and were swept along by the wind. Those which did not fall, swayed with the branches and generated loud rustling noises.
There were quite a few errors in the opening, which distracts a lot of people. If you're having trouble with word placement, have someone read it over first, or even read it aloud yourself. Sometimes, you ma find yourself laughing at the way some sentences sound without specific words.

Quote:
A young high-schooler like me was supposed to be spending his weekend out with his friends but due to the what seemed like never ending rain, I was left alone at home.
There should be a comma after friends as it is a change in subject.
Also, high-schooler is not a hyphenated word. High school student suffices.

Quote:
Already in my white tee with black coat, and had a dark blue jeans put on, I was already all prepared to go out.
Quote:
Already I was in my white tee and a black coat, and had put on dark blue jeans. I was already all prepared to go out.
Again, missing words and it's difficult to understand at times with the arrangement.

Quote:
My house was like any others. A huge living room which leads to a kitchen where my mother would normally be if she got off early from work.
Technically, the second sentence is a fragment and should be connected to the first one.

Quote:
At where I was standing, at the door, the bed was on my left. while the wardrobe was to my right.
Quote:
At Where I was standing in the door way, the bed was on my left ,while the wardrobe was to my right.
Quote:
I said while watching the trailers and gameplay videos of the game.
Game play is two words.

Quote:
There was a minimap at the top right of the screen.
Mini map is two words as well.

Quote:
I clicked on the coin and saw that i had earned myself 10 gold, while my Houndour had earned itself 10 experience from that battle.
You just forgot to capitalize the "I".

Mainly, the problem I see is missing a few words. Again, try to read it out loud first, to see if it sounds awkward. Otherwise, this was fairly clean.


Detail:
This section made me laugh, since your whole story was a mess of action detail! You certainly were not lacking in this department, especially when it concerned Rin and his parent's looks. Everything was described, up and down. Eyes, hair, and then the house! Stairs, walls, tables, etc. However, don't be afraid to throw in a few more adjectives, or to even branch them out. Small could be tiny or miniscule. Grey could be the color of slate. Table could be furnished cherry wood. Just remember we're not watching a movie - we need you to paint the picture for us with vivid colors.

Quote:
With that, I walked out of the room and went down the stairs and into the kitchen. Just as I was getting some stuff out from a cupboard, the phone rang. Leaving my stuff on the table, I rushed to the living room to grab the phone.
This could be spiced up a lot with just a hint of purple prose.

Quote:
With that, I walked out of my room and went down the stairs and into the newly re-done kitchen. It was painted eggshell white, just as my mother requested. Being as anal-retentive as she was, I assumed this was a good thing for her. Feeling a slight pain from hunger, I reached for the polished cabinet. My hands ran over boxes of several sizes before settling on a green one adorned with little men hoisting cookies into the air. Just as I tore off the top, ready to devour the delicious food, I heard a faint ringing sound. It sounded like it was coming from the living room!
"The phone," I gasped, leaving the box on the communal table. I rushed to grab the phone before the answering machine picked it up.
See? With just a bit more detail, the reader gets a better idea of what's going on and why, rather than just, "I did this. I did that. I walked this way. I bent that way," etc.


Length:
You've done over 10k, so the length of this piece is certainly fine for a Venonat. However, try aiming more for the middle - just a few more characters.


Battle:
Your battle was very interesting, since it wasn't in the "anime" style - as it's a computer game. Despite this, you managed to describe several attacks with sufficient detail. I saw a wide array of attacks from Venonat, including Signal Beam, Sleep Powder and Tackle... but I only saw one Flamethrower from Houndour, and DOWN VENONAT GOES! I know this is supposed to be a computer game - but perhaps it could use a dodge button with a 30% chance of it working to make it more interesting. I realize Venonat is a fluffy bug who has a large weakness to fire and it is based on a game, but I would like to see a more even battle. (Better AI!)


Catching:
I honestly wanted to give this to you because you've waited so long, but I can't. I can only say VENONAT NOT CAPTURED. You need to clean up the grammar, fixing the way some sentences sound. Try to flesh out your detail to include a bit more than action and really, really focus on making the battle two-sided, even if it's just a computer game. And please, give insight into Kira's feelings and actions. The reader knows he does things for a reason, and wants to know why. Please PM me for a re-grade, and I'll do it the same day. :D

Last edited by Sequentio; 11-21-2009 at 04:41 AM.
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