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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-01-2009, 07:31 PM
bigtukker Offline
 
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Default Fly High to the Sky

Samoht stepped through the entrance of Route 1. He just got his Poliwag from Professor Oak. His very own adventure was going to begin. He gazed around the forest. It was so big. Giant trees were dominating the sight and the aroma of grass was flying through the air. In his early life in Pallet Town he barely went into the woods. Instead he went surfing in the lake on the south side of Pallet.
Samoht was a very inexperienced Pokémon Trainer. He looked older then he is. That’s what his mom always says.
Samoht entered the forest. He looked around. There were a lot of Pokémon in the forest. A group of Rattata was following their Raticate-leader.
“Where are they going?” Samoht asked. But he didn’t actually search for an answer. Instead he kept walking, until he got blowed in his back. Samoht knocked down to the sandy ground and lied with his face in the sand. Slowly he pulled up his angry face to see what caused him to fall.
“It’s just a tiny Pidgey.” He murmured.
Possibly Pidgey understood that. He attacked Samoht with a Sand Attack. Even more sand was coming into Samohts face, what made him even angrier.
“OK. If it is a battle you want, you’re gonna get one. Poliwag, go!” Samoht said and he threw Poliwags Poké Ball into the air. The Poké Ball opened itself and a white cloud of energy was sent into the real world and created Poliwags shape before Samohts feet. Poliwag escaped from the cloud and said his name. He looked at Pidgey who was flying between the trees.
“All right Poliwag, use your Water Gun-attack!” Samoht said and Poliwag took a deep breath and a jet of water was shot to the tiny bird-Pokémon. Pidgey dodged Poliwag’s attack pretty easily. He changed direction to attack Poliwag with a Wing Attack. Pidgey’s wing began to glow and it stroke Poliwag in its face.
“Poliwag! No!” was the only thing Samoht could say at the moment. He shook his head and tried to think something out quickly.
“Poliwag, try a Hypnosis-attack.” Samoht commanded.
The weird form on Poliwags belly began to glow, in order to get Pidgey asleep, but the Pidgey was too quick to get interested in Poliwags belly. It stroke Poliwag again with its Wing Attack like it did before. Poliwag was in bad shape now and was struggling to get up again. Pidgey was preparing for another attack. His wing began to glow again and he was coming in a straight line in the direction of Poliwag.
“Poliwag, Double Slap, quickly” Samoht said and Poliwag jumped in the air to avoid Pidgeys wings and slapped Pidgey with its tiny feet a couple of times.
Pidgey was sent backward by this attack. Pidgey turned his back to Samoht and Poliwag and began to fly.
“It’s trying to escape!” Samoht said. He returned Poliwag in its Poké Ball, knowing Poliwag isn’t that quick on land and tried to pursuit Pidgey. Samoht was so focused on pursuing Pidgey, that he failed to see the log in the path. He fell over it and discovered he was sliding from a hill of at least four meters high, which ended in a dirty pool.
“Oh, that’s a good begin.” He said to himself and nearly got that distracted by his bad luck, that he totally forgot Pidgey. Pidgey was still fleeing.
“Oh forget about it.” He said and he swam to the side of the pool. He began to change his clothes hoping his bag was dry enough to take place for his wet clothes. He took a plastic bag to put the dirty clothes in it and he continued his path, realizing he just lost from a Pidgey. No, it wasn’t Poliwag that lost, but Samoht himself. How could he be to stupid to pay attention on where he was walking.

After a walk of at least half an hour, Samoht was still walking while scolding himself, because of his failure. The environment was just like at the beginning of this route: a lot of trees. He noticed a small flock of Spearow violently pecking on something in the high grass.
“What ever that is, it’s not good.” He said and walked towards the Spearow. “Hey!” he yelled. “Get out of here.” He said, but he got totally ignored. He got a little closer. “Get out of here.” He yelled again. One of the Spearow looked back, but he continued pecking.
“In that case, I don’t have a choice, Poliwag, go!” he said and Poliwag came out of his Poké Ball.
“Poliwag, use Double Slap!”
The small Water-Pokémon began to hit some of the Spearow with its tiny feet. Some Spearow began to flee. Other tried to peck Poliwag. Nevertheless, Samoht had the chance to see what was hidden in the tall grass. He saw something brown in the field. He removed some grass and saw a Pidgey. It was hurt very badly.
“We need to get him to the Pokémon Center.”
Samoht returned Poliwag quickly, who did nice work distracting the Spearow. It took Pidgey in his arms and began to run like he has run never before. The flock of Spearow began to pursue him. This time he looked very carefully where he was walking. He avoided some logs and some branches before he reached Viridian City. He ran through the gate of Viridian City with Pidgey still in his arms.
The Spearow flew away, back in the forest.
Samoht took a deep breath and walked into the city. He gazed around looking for a Pokémon Center. It didn’t take long before he found what he looked for: a giant building with a large P on it. He ran to it with haste and nearly ran through the door.
“Hello, can I help you?” someone asked. It was a very nice woman who stood behind the desk.
“Yes, please. I found this Pidgey, being attacked by some Spearow. Its still unconscious.”
“Good.” The nurse said. “Wait here and this Pidgey will be flying in no time.” The nurse went in some room with a red light above the door. Unfortunately, the nurse didn’t how long Samoht had to wait. Nervous as he was, he kept the clock in sight. At least three hours later the nurse went out of the room. She had a large cage for Pidgey and showed it to Samoht. Pidgey had a plaster on its left wing.
“Pidgey, is in tiptop condition now. I want you to free it.” The nurse said. Pidgey looked around until he had eye contact with Samoht. He was obvious startled by the person holding his cage. Samoht startled too.
“Are you that Pidgey that I battled before?” Samoht took the cage ran outside and opened the cage.
“Whats going on here?” the nurse said.
“We had some affairs to solve.” Samoht said. “Poliwag, go!”
Poliwag was summoned again.
“Poliwag, Double Slap.”
Poliwag slapped Pidgey in its face. The Pidgey took a good distance before flying into Poliwag. Poliwag was sent back. Pidgey began to flap his wings and created a large Gust in the entrance of the Pokémon Center. Poliwag was sent flying even further.
“Poliwag, Hypnosis!” Samoht said.
Poliwags belly began to glow and because of Pidgey standing still and focusing on its opponent, Pidgey couldn’t help getting caught by Poliwags attack it fell on the ground, asleep.
“Good work, Poliwag.” Samoht said while taking a Poké Ball from his belt. “Poké Ball, go!”
The Poké Ball opened itself and created a red light. Pidgey turned red to and got consumed by the red-white sphere. The Poké Ball began to wiggle.

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  #2  
Old 09-17-2009, 10:25 PM
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

I'll grade this after dinner :]
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  #3  
Old 09-18-2009, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

Introduction:
Your introduction actually turned me of right away for several reasons. This is something you definitely don’t want; one of the major points of your introduction is to try and pull readers in and make them want to read more of your story! There were a few things that really displeased me. The first is that Every. Sentence. Ends. Like. This. Instead of ending each though with a period why not use some commas to combine sentences? It’ll make your story flow better and make it easier to read. The second thing is that there’s barely any description here. One of the best parts of an introduction is that it’s a great place to introduce your character, tell us what they look like, and tell us what the setting looks like. I noticed that you tried to incorporate a little description but you’re going to need more than that, especially for your main character.

Story/Plot:
Where is it? The plot is the biggest part of a story and it should take up the majority of a story; however, I actually can’t find any plot in your story at all. Everything in your story should revolve around some sort of central conflict or idea. Think of URPG stories more in terms of the anime than the games. Sure, it's fine for you to walk out on to Route 1 in the games but what would you do if you turned on the TV to watch Pokemon and Ash just walked out into the field and started batling with no plot or conflict of any sort through the rest of the episode. I'd turn it off.
Also, why does Samoht attack the Pidgey at the end? I realize that he might be a little peeved from earlier when it fled but it's injured now and he had just been caring so much about it just a moment ago. It doesn't seem like Samoht would be so sympathtic and caring for this Pidgey one second and then the next turn and attack it.

Spelling/Grammer:
Quite a few problems here as well I'm afraid. Here's how I grade grammar: I'll give you one example for each mistake that you made in your story and tell you how to properly fix it. After that it's your job to go back and find the other mistakes that are like it on your own. You wouldn't learn if I just handed a list of your mistakes to you! |
Quote:
“It’s just a tiny Pidgey.” He murmured.
Whenever you have dialogue like this, where there's a quote and then a little comment such as "he said" or "she screamed," the coment is still part of the same sentence as the quote. Therefore, the end of the quote should always end in a comma, not a period, and the next letter after the quote should be lower-case.
Quote:
One of the Spearow looked back, but he continued pecking.
Why is this comma here? There really isn't a reason is there? I found many misplaced commas throughout your story, I'd suggest reading up on their proper usage so that you can use them the right way.
Quote:
Where are they going?” Samoht asked. But he didn’t actually search for an answer.
I touched on this a little in your introduction section. One thing you need to learn to do is combine your sentenceds using commas. Not only does it make your story sound and look better but in some cases, such as this one, it's grammatically necessaty. "But he didn't really search for an answer" is a fragment; it's not a complete sentence; however, if you were to replace the period after asked with a comma to combine the sentences then everything would be all better!
Quote:
Instead he went surfing in the lake on the south side of Pallet.
On the south of Pallet? The lake is to the south, not on it. There were a lot of places where you used an improper word like this.

Those are the really specific things that I can point out with examples. There is one more thing I would like to address though. Please hit enter twice for a new paragraph; since we can't see tabs on PE2K it really helps if you seperate each paragraph with a break.

Like this.

Detail:
I noticed a bit of detail in the story but really there wasn't enough or it at least wasn't in the right places. You need to describe your characters, since I currently have no idea what Samoht, the nurse, Pidgey, Spearow, or Poliwag look like, and you need to describe your setting more. Telling me that there are trees on Route one is great! But what about the trees? What color are their leaves? Are they dead trees or lively pines? What kind of trees? Things like that. More description is always good and it's really not hard to add. Just expand on what you've already written. Then after you finish the story go back through and elaboreate on everything in the whole story even more. Then after that do it again. Keep going until you're happy with your desription; eventually you'll have beautiful descriptive paragraphs compsing your story!

Length:
Pidgey is an Easy level Pokemon, meaning that you need 5,000 to 10,000 characters. You had 7,000, right in the middle, so nice job! The middle is a great place to be!
One thing, for future stories, is that when you post your character count post the one that includes spaces.

Battle:
Your battles were actually the best part of your story. Each battle was fairly two sided, which is very good, and your attacks were described pretty well. The second batle with Pidgey was a little short, but I guess that the fact that there was two batles with it makes up for that. One thing I would suggest though is to get really creative with your batles. Use your environement and use unconventional atacks! Assume that all Pokemon know any TMs that they can learn, that'll really expand your choices. Combos, environment, fun attacks and description are what really make a batle so use them all as much as you can!

Outcome:
Well, your story honestly needs a lot of work. You need a proper introdcution, a plot, a little more detial, and a lot of grammar fixing. For now I'm going to say Pidgey not captured. I know that this is an easy level Pokemon and I think this is your first story, so I am willing to give some leeway but you really need to improve this still. Follow my tips and revise your story, I'll be more than happy to re-grade this for you so just PM me when you're ready!
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  #4  
Old 10-26-2009, 08:36 PM
bigtukker Offline
 
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

The signpost at the start of Route 1 was covered by red paint in letters Samoht Sjium could not read. However the 10 year old man just knew this was Route 1. His half long, black hair moved by the wind and his deep brown eyes scanned the sight of the forest he just entered. Samoht was clothed in a dark blue jacket and jeans of nearly the same color, perhaps a little lighter. Under his jacket he wore a red football shirt. Samoht also wore a backpack, which was almost the simplest model you can possibly imagine. It was dark red, almost purple, covered with zips and pieces of fabric, and it contained some food for on the wing, some winter clothes and a map of the nearest regions.
Route 1 was known for a forest route. A route made by Mother Nature and sometimes ‘corrected’ by people. It is the main way for people to reach Viridian City from Pallet Town and vice versa. Samoht often played there with his friends before his journey started. The path itself was mostly made of sand. Not much more than that.

Samoht was walking for about ten minutes now and was enjoying the nature. It was summer times so the trees were all green and behind the trees there were beautiful flowers between the high grass. Samoht pushed his hands in his pockets and walked at a calm pace. He wasn’t very sure though what he should do now. Should he catch a Pokémon? There were enough around, like Weedle, Caterpie en Rattata, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to capture one. Another option would be to wait for a while until he spots a very good Pokémon which would be a worthwhile capture. He decided to wait a while, because there wasn’t really great haste. He took another step, before he felt something on his foot.
“Hey!” Samoht said while watching his feet, seeing his laces were untied. “Let’s tie my laces,” he decided and he ducked to his shoes, tied his white laces and stood up. While standing up Samoht got blowed by something in his bag.
“Ouch!” Samoht said after landing on the sandy ground. He hurt his knee a little bit, but he was able to stand up to see what knocked him down. A Pidgey was flying to a tree trench of a tree. The Pidgey looked like a common small bird, with a brown crest on his head. He watched to Samoht with a tilted head.
“Was it you who knocked me down?” Samoht asked a little angry to the Pidgey, but Pidgey didn’t seem to pay attention on Samohts’ speech.
“I want apologies, right now!” Samoht called and he stamped on the grassy ground.
Pidgey became annoyed and flew from the trench into the air and flapped its wings rapidly. Samoht was knocked down again to the same place as where he fell first.
Samoht became angrier now.
“I will teach you!” he yelled to the little bird. “Poliwag, come on out, now!” he said while throwing a Poké Ball. The Poké Ball opened itself and released a white cloud which formed a spherical shape with a feather-like tail on it. The cloud dissolved and the colors were visible. The small, blue Pokémon which looked like a small tadpole with a very big head was Poliwag. His belly was covered by a big white spot with a black, spiral drawing on it. On the top of it a small pink mouth was shown and on the top of its head two big, brown eyes.
“Poliwag, Hypnosis!” Samoht said and Poliwags belly began to swirl in attempt to capture Pidgey watching and drowsing it into sleep.
Pidgey wasn’t intimidated by this piece of art and rapidly flew behind Poliwag. It turned around in mid-air and headed to the small Water-Pokémon.
“Poliwag, dodge it, quick”
Poliwag jumped away just in time and Pidgey misted it target and flew high again to turn around. It began to heading to Poliwag again, which dodged Pidgey’s attack again.
“I know,” Samoht said and he waited until Pidgey would turn around again. When that happened he called Poliwag for a BubbleBeam attack.
Poliwag took a deep breath and shot a jet of bubbles in the direction of the Flying Pokémon. The attacked hit, while Pidgey turned around. However, the quick jumping and the BubbleBeam tired Poliwag out a bit. Pidgey began to gain speed for a Quick Attack and hit Poliwag on its belly.

With Poliwag knocked down, Pidgey saw a chance to get away. He flew over the head of Samoht and flew high, but this time to fly away.
“Blast it!” Samoht said and looked upon Poliwag. “Are you alright, Poliwag.”
Poliwag nodded.
“I guess we have to wait a little longer, to win a fight.” Samoht said. “I wish I could have capture it”
Samoht took his Poké Ball: “Poliwag, return.”
A small red beam swallowed Poliwag and put it back inside the Poké Ball. After Poliwag was returned into its Poké Ball, Samoht began to walk again.
After about a fifteen minute walk, Samoht reached an open field. It was the same sand path that ran from the more woodier parts of the route. On both sides of the bath were high grass that would reach to the Samohts armpits. Samoht kicked another pebble, just from frustration. He was still mad at himself for letting that Pidgey escape. Perhaps he was not a good trainer at all. Perhaps he was doomed to fail as a Pokémon Trainer. Suddenly Samoht heard some squeak from beside him. He saw some bird-Pokémon, but they weren’t Pidgey. These Pokémon had a red head and a sharper and more dangerous beak. They were Spearow and they were pecking on something. Samoht couldn’t see it, because whatever they are pecking on, it was hidden the tall grass. Samoht was to curious to face away. He looked at the Spearow and was curious for what they were doing. When he focused on one of the Spearow, Samoht saw some blood on the beak.
“They’re killing someone.” He said and he threw his backpack on the other side of the path.
“Poliwag, I choose you!” he said and threw Poliwags Poké Ball. The small tadpole Pokémon was released again from his Poké Ball.
“Poliwag, BubbleBeam now!” he said and Poliwag launched a new jet of bubbles at the flock of Spearow, scaring a few of them away. Only two were left.
“Poliwag, BubbleBeam again!” he said and a new BubbleBeam was shot unto the two Spearow. The two Spearow flew away and tried to attack Poliwag.
“Poliwag, Hypnosis!”
Poliwags belly began to swirl again and the two Spearow began to get drowsy.
“Now, wake them up with Hydro Pump!”
Poliwag took a deep breath and blasted a huge amount of water into the faces of the Spearow, who were launched into the far air.
Samoht took his chance to look upon the prey of the Spearow. He pulled away some grass to see what has happened. A Pidgey was screeching from pain. He was hit by the sharp beaks of the Spearow. There was a wound on its head, which was as big as Samohts fingertip. The Pidgey opened its eyes and turned his face to a puzzled look.
“Wait a minute.” Samoht said. “I know you. You’re that Pidgey from before.”
Samoht remembered the loss he suffered against the little bird, but it was a Pokémon and it was seriously wounded.
“I have to help you” Samoht said.

Samoht put Pidgey in his left hand, he threw his backpack over his shoulder and began to run through the forest.
“It shouldn’t be too far to the Pokémon Center, Pidgey.” He said. “Just hold on.”
The last part of Route 1 was as woody as the first part, but this time was different. Samoht didn’t have any time to take a look at the environment. All his focus was now on Pidgey.
He took a good look at the path where he was running and dodged a couple of logs. At the end of the route he saw some wooden houses and a signpost.
"WELCOME IN VIRIDIAN CITY" was the text.
“We’re there” Samoht told Pidgey, but the little Pokémon was fast asleep. The city had huge buildings, but fortunately was the Pokémon Center one of the biggest. It wasn’t that hard to recognize the building from far and it was straight ahead from the exit of Route 1.

After a run from about 200 meters Samoht ran through the swing doors of the Pokémon Center.
“Somebody! HELP!” he yelled.
“Whats the matter?” a female voice asked. From behind the desk a woman, with a white headgear with a red cross on it, ran to Samoht. She had pink hair in a very uncommon haircut.
“I found this Pidgey at Route 1,” Samoht explained. “It was nearly killed by a flock of Spearow.”
“OK.” The nurse said and she took the Pidgey. “I’ll take care of it. You should stay here for a while.”
She walked away into a door on the right side of the desk.
Samoht gazed around. With Pidgey under the care of the nurse, she told him her name was Joy, he had enough time to examine the room. It was mostly white and on the ceiling were megaphones attached in the shape of a Poké Ball. The walls were light pink and the tiles on the ground have been laid in a Poké Ball pattern. Samoht wandered through the room and waited impatiently.
Nurse Joy went out of the room where she took Pidgey to. She had a cage with her with Pidgey in it.
“Pidgey is fine.” She smiled. “It needs a bit rest and fresh air.”
Samoht looked at Pidgey. A small plaster was attached on its head.
“I think it’s a good idea to take it with you.”
“You think so.” Samoht asked and he looked at Pidgey. “What do you think”

8979 characters
Attempt to capture Pidgey
I hope it is legal to capture Pidgey this way, because Joker stated in <<How to Write Stories>> you have to write a battle like I did, but not in the end.
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Last edited by bigtukker; 10-26-2009 at 08:48 PM.
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  #5  
Old 10-31-2009, 02:13 PM
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

Very nice! You did a wonderful job of grasping my advice and applying it in your revision. It reads like a competely different story! Since you did such a good job of fixing you mistakes I am very pleased to say Pidgey Captured! Have fun with your new bird!!! Oh, and for future reference, you should post your revised story in the first post, erase the old one, and mark any changes you make with bold print. It makes the grader's job much easier ^_^
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  #6  
Old 11-27-2009, 02:19 PM
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

Glad you like it :P
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  #7  
Old 11-27-2009, 02:40 PM
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Default Re: Fly High to the Sky

Quote:
Originally Posted by mikalejka View Post
lol i love stories like this, it never ceases to amaze me the reactions of some people xD
Please do no post in threads in the story board unless you are the author or a grader. If you'd like to make a comment on a story do so in the discussion thread in the stickies section of the story boards :]
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