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| Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not. |
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#1
09-07-2009, 01:24 AM
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Singing the Blues
 Singing the Blues Graded - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Author's Note; Story number seven. Something simple and sweet. And the song? That's by me. =D - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The sickly-sweet smell of summer drifted in the breeze. It was carried along with several Jumpluff and the flowered scent from varied Bellossom in the area. Maria pushed her Victorian window open so she and her companion could get some air. A refreshing wave of wind pelted Maria's kind face. She smiled, showing her partner the goofy, ten year old grin she was trademarked with. Everyone laughed when they saw the raven-haired girl flash a somewhat toothless grin. Today, her partner did not. "What's wrong, Derek?" Maria's smile faded as she rushed to his cage. "Why aren't you laughing?" "Rawp! I don't know, Maria. Rawp!" The multi-colored parrot in the cage replied. "You don't look good, either." She noticed that the normally upright musical note on his head was drooped downwards onto his back. Maria reached into the cage and stroked his wings lovingly. "Maybe you're sick from the new feed. Let's see if it passes over night, okay?" "Yes, Maria." He replied. She flashed him another grin and went about her daily chores. She assumed that Derek would be okay in the morning. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Maria had just finished brushing her teeth and inspecting the gum lines where her adult teeth were starting to erupt. She buttoned the final pearly button on her nightgown in preparation for bedtime. She wandered into her room and climbed into a large, four-poster bed. Her small hands pulled a pink duvet cover over her frame as she lay down for the night. In no time, her chocolate eyes closed, ready for rest. "Somewhere... Sometime. I'll be full. The melody drifted into her eyes, snapping open those sleepy eyes. She was startled, but not by the sound. It was the song. It was the lyrics. They sounded so terribly lonely... She knew the song had belonged to her Chatot. It all made sense now. Derek was lonely! She should have seen it sooner. Maria would have been sad if she were kept in a cage all day with no company, save a little girl. Tomorrow, she would go out and catch Derek a friend! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Where are you going? Rawp!" Derek looked up from his cage, green wings twitching. "SHH! I'm going out. Please don't tell!" She wished that the Chatot hadn't seen her. Her plans for a surprise friend might be in jeopardy. "Rawp! But Maria!" "No! Shush! Don't tell mom!" With that, the girl ran out the door in search of another bird, a large tan purse in hand. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It was a hot, humid day and as twilight drew near, it didn't cool down any. Maria had spent the majority of the day looking for Pokemon. She did find a few, but they weren't birds. She had tripped over a colony of Shroomish and had a Wurmple fall on her head. Any other day, she would have been thrilled to catch any of those as her second Pokemon... Today though, she was on a mission. As the sun set, Maria began to get worried. She hadn't seen a single bird all day! Night was drawing near and she was going to lose her chance if something didn't appear. She knew she'd be in trouble if she wasn't home by dark, although she would already be grounded for stealing her mother's purse... She would have chosen another option if she had one, but Maria needed a Pokemon to battle with. Since Derek was her only one, she couldn't use him! That was why she had taken her mother's overly large purse. Maria knew the bag contained her mother's Pokemon as well as spare Pokeballs. The one thing she didn't want was to go home empty handed - and that's what looked like might happen. Maria sighed, highly disappointed and more than frustrated. She sat under one of the adjacent trees and began to cry. "Pidgey! Pidgey! Gey, gey, Pidgey!" Several dusty birds gathered on the branch of a nearby tree. They had stopped momentarily from their migration for a quick rest. "Pidgey!?" Maria leaped up from her position. The tears flowing now were ones of joy. She had a chance! A small hand dove into the large purse. It pulled out a small, two-toned ball. "GO!" She yelled, throwing the ball at the tree. The ball shot open to reveal a silly looking Pokemon with large, buck teeth. "Bidoof?" It asked. "Bidoof!" It was her mother's newest Pokemon. "Go get me a Pidgey!" She pointed at the flock of birds. "Bidoof?" It obviously didn't understand. "I..." Maria paused. She had never battled before, although she had seen her mother do it. "Um... Please attack it?" The Bidoof only looked at Maria as if she were an alien. "Oh!" Maria's hands flew up into the air. She needed to figure out what to do to get Bidoof to battle. Maybe if she tried calling attacks, it'll know one and use it. "Roar! Fly! Headbutt! G-" She was cut off as the plump beaver began to run. It smashed into the old tree, startling the Pidgey. Most flew away, but a tiny female who had been grooming herself became angry. The startling shake of the tree had ruffled her feathers and that was not acceptable. "Pidgey!" She called, screeching at the Bidoof. As the other birds flew west, the tiny female Pidgey landed behind Maria's Pokemon. "It's behind you!" Maria yelled. Bidoof turned around and sat down. A large, black question mark began to materialize over his head. It lingered for several moments before disappearing into thin air. Both Pidgey and Maria were confused by the Bidoof's actions, but Maria was the only one to speak up. "What are you doing!? Attack! Please?" Pidgey reared her head and flashed her wings. Several of her feathers darted out from the flapping wings and surrounded Bidoof. They danced in a circle before falling to the ground. Bidoof opened his mouth and let out a growl. "Bidoooooof!" Pidgey cackled and launched herself in the air. In a brief second, there were multiple Pidgeys. Bidoof looked around. He couldn't tell which one was the real one, no more than Maria could... so he performed a move his new master taught him. Several red hearts burst from Bidoof's being and floated towards the varied Pidgeys. The sixth heart smacked the Pidgey on his left. She fell to the ground with a dazed look in her eyes. 'Pidgey!" She cooed, trying to sidle up against the beaver. Bidoof smiled a ridiculous grin. He liked the attention. "Now please attack it, Bidoof!" Maria called. She really needed the Pidgey for Derek. Bidoof sighed and tackled the bird. She cawed and returned the tackle. As Bidoof fell over, Pidgey began to whip up a terrible gust. It got bigger and bigger until it was almost as large as the old tree she had been sitting on. "Bidoof! Get out of the way!" It was too late. Bidoof was hit by the massive twister. He cried as the wind storm hit him full force. Bidoof was pushed several yards away. He was beginning to look tired. "Come one Bidoof! You can do it!" He shook himself off, clearing the dirt from his fur. He was going to have to take this Pidgey down soon. A loud yawn escaped his lips, floating towards the happy bird. Pidgey laughed a shrill laugh, flapping her wings with pride. She began a sharp descent towards her opponent. Her wings slashed at the Bidoof, but he hadn't flinched. In fact, he was glowing an odd yellow color. This was it. Bidoof roared a mighty roar and expelled the golden aura that had been building around him. It hit Pidgey with the force of a truck. She fell to the ground and hit with a dull thud. She attempted to stand, but the force from the Superpower was too much. Just as she was ready to begin a Roost, the yawn she dismissed earlier took effect and Pidgey fell asleep on the soft grass. "Alright Bidoof!" Maria called. "You did it!" Bidoof cocked his head and looked at the little girl. Maria sighed and threw a Pokeball at the sleeping Pidgey. It enveloped the small bird with a flash. If all went according to plan, her sweet Derek would have a friend and she would have caught her first Pokemon in the wild. As the moon began its ascent, Maria gave one of her trademark smiles. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - End Note; Bidoof learns Attract through TM. Otherwise, nothing else to say. It was a simple one shot. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Pokemon Attempted; Pidgey. 5 - 10k Character Range. Character Count (Without Spaces); 6,893 Character Count (With Spaces); 8,387 ((All character counts do not include Author's Notes or Divider Bars.)) Graded.
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Last edited by Sequentio; 10-18-2009 at 06:16 AM. 
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#2
09-08-2009, 03:48 PM
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Re: Singing the Blues
Story/Plot: Okay first up, I'm gonna go ahead and say that this was a rather unique plot, since you don't see these plots every other day. I thought your introduction was interesting as well, as you described the girl's feature without boring me out (explaining it in a simple sentence). Instead, you described them along as you were describing the setting. It also gave me an impression that Maria is a cheerful character from the way you describe how people always smiled when they see Maria's grin, which is good since you not only described a character's exterior image, but also a character's personality. Good effort produced, by inputting the song into the story too, which made perfect sense.
Now... onto the bad part. You mentioned Bidoof being a newly captured Pokemon, further added on that it is not Maria's. However, Maria was able to control it without any difficulty at all (excluding the fact that she didn't know what attacks to call out). You don't have to exaggerate the whole matter and make Bidoof a mischievous and disobedient Pokemon, but merely an attack that Bidoof won't obey to, and that's enough. Also, Maria was clearly an inexperienced battler and if you were the Pokemon, would you obey completely to someone that don't know what she is doing? Thus, it'd have been so much better if Bidoof didn't obey Maria's instructions completely. Grammar/Spelling: Ehh, either this was well-proofreader or you had run this through a spelling checker. There are still a few minor errors though. Pokemon-related words are all plural, so you don't need Pokemons or Pidgeys. Quote:
Length: No problems here. Details/Description: You obviously have a natural flair over here. D: Definitely good enough (or should I say great), for a story meant for a Pidgey. However, if you're going for something of higher difficulty in the future, be sure to try and describe your story in all the five senses - sight/touch/sound/smell/taste. I'm going to admit that that's downright hard, so just try your best~ :x You've described sight and touch here, so try expanding your variety of descriptions. Battle: Since you're having a Bidoof in the battle and it being an especially unique Pokemon because of its ability, I thought it would be interesting to see it being described by you. But, you didn't apparently. :( Still, the battle was well-written. It was two-sided and didn't advantage either of the Pokemon. I felt that Maria's confusion about ordering attacks was really "real" as well, besides that Bidoof was obeying every single attacks which is a problem, like I said earlier. But if I were to nitpick, Superpower can still be described better. This was what you had: Quote:
Yeah, Superpower in the games is just launching power from the inner body and smashing it onto the foe. But if Bidoof was the user, how'd Superpower look like, coming from a small Pokemon? What color was it? How big/small was the attack? Was there any explosions, or was it a pathetic attempt at creating damage on Pidgey? Did Pidgey just stay there, without trying to dodge? How exactly did Bidoof summoned the energy and expel the aura? How exactly did Bidoof hit Pidgey? With his legs? With his hands? With his heads? So... there are still many questions left unanswered. But still, this is just the result of nitpicking. Outcome: Kay, without anymore crap, Pidgey captured! Don't forget about that hole in the plot, that Bidoof's total obedience when it was a newly captured and not Maria's Pokemon, since it would cost you major negative points if you're writing for a Pokemon with higher difficulty. One last thing, you can use any moves a Pokemon learns, including TMs. So, don't worry about it.
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#3
09-08-2009, 07:29 PM
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Re: Singing the Blues
Ah, Bidoof. D:
He was a very difficult Pokemon to write for and in retrospect, I'd have chosen a different one given the thought. However, the story is done and I'm too lazy to change it. *laughs* Right. The "total obedience" thing. I should have taken a more thoughtful approach to that, but didn't take a second look seeing as it was a simpler story. Anywho - thanks Ataro. I'll be sure to use your advice in my stories. :3
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