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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 09-07-2009, 07:43 AM
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Default Saving The Day - |Ready to be Graded|

Saving the Day



Author's Note: Decided I should give this a shot, so here's my first story...

A sour unpleasant smell flowed into my nose. My eyes began watering and they began blinking rapidly. I lifted my hand and wiped the sweat from my forehead. This is the horrid stench I had been looking for. It smelt of rotten eggs and dirty socks. I looked up at the sky and saw the bright yellow sun beginning to hide behind a Cleffa shaped cloud. I could feel the heat of the sun’s rays slowly toning down. I could hear Shadow growling behind me. I looked behind me and saw Shadow ready to pounce. I looked into his dark grey eyes and waited for his signal. He nodded twice and jumped over me, the soft fur on his black colored stomach slightly brushed my shoulder as he passed by. The blue flowered bush to my left was shaking quietly. If I was not looking at it already, I would have not seen it shaking. I carefully approached the bush and parted it down the middle. The smell had gotten stronger and it was getting harder to breathe. Looking down into the bush, I saw a large Vileplume resting. Its body was buried in the moist, rich looking ground. I could tell by the many little spots on its petals that it was a male. Its texture appeared to be smoother that the previous Vileplume I encountered earlier this day. I took out a small, clear, cylinder shaped test tube out of my backpack as quietly as I could. I did not want to wake it up and startle it, especially not in its territory.

I put on some latex gloves to prevent any of Vileplume’s toxic pollen to come in contact with my skin. I opened the test tube and slowly placed the tube next to the opening on the top of its body. It began to fill up quickly and in a matter of minutes I had filled it up to the top. I pulled the test tube back towards me and closed it. I placed it into my back and began to back away quietly. I was almost four feet away from the sleeping Vileplume when Shadow barked loudly, warning me of something. I realized too late what it was as I tripped over a small shrub that was sticking out of the ground. I hit my head hard on a log, making me feel dizzy. I could feel sharp pains going through my head. I heard a loud shriek and a small Oddish popped out of the ground. The shrub I had accidently stepped on was actually an Oddish. I saw the bush shaking, only this time I could hear it. I knew instantly that this was more than likely its child.

I tried to sit up to get a clear view of what was going to happen next. Shadow was already in an attack position, ready to fight back if attacked.

“Stand down, don’t attack unless attacked.” I whispered, moaning in pain. Shadow moved in front of me, refusing to stand down. He was pretty smart. I knew he wouldn’t stand down. He was really protective over me and it was showing right now.

“VILEPLUMEEEE!” It shrieked. It sounded furious. It began releasing an orange powder that smelled kind of sour to me. I knew it was using its Stun Spore attack. Shadow could almost always read my mind. It knew which attacks to use and how to use them. It opened its grayish mouth and fire could be seen forming from the back of it. Shadow shot out hot flames of fire, making the Stun Spore attack disappear. The flames just barely hit Vileplume, doing little damage.

“Keep it up, hopefully your Flamethrower will scare it away.” I stated. I really hoped it would just give up, but I knew that would be too easy. I had stepped on its child, woke it up, and invaded its territory, and I expected it to just run away. I knew that wasn’t going to happen, but just thinking that it would, made my head feel better. Vileplume began absorbing the suns energy. I assumed it was for its Solar Beam attack. I thought quickly, trying to find a way to stop the Vileplume from absorbing any more sunlight. “Quick, stop it with your Smog attack.” Shadow nodded his head and sent out clouds of black smog towards the Vileplume. The smog, plus the fact that the sun was barely showing because it was still hiding behind the clouds, was stopping the Vileplume from using its attack. The Vileplume was far from giving up. It wasted no time in attacking. It immediately began forming a green ball of energy. It was pretty big in size, and it looked pretty powerful. It launched the Energy Ball attack towards Shadow at great speed. The Vileplume followed it up with a Solar Beam attack. It was unexpected. I had no idea how it actually managed to get enough solar energy to perform that attack. I was sure we had stopped it. I was too preoccupied with the battle in front of me that I failed to realize the Oddish that was popping out of the ground behind me. The Solar Beam hit Shadow square in the face, knocking him into the tree behind me. I turned around as quickly as I could, and as I did the Oddish sprayed my body with its Stun Spore technique, it was followed by its Sleep Powder. I slowly fell to the ground and felt something hit me hard on the head. I looked over towards Shadow, but he was also knocked out. My eyes slowly closed and my head slumped to the ground. I blacked out.

I was out for a good twenty-five minutes. I slowly woke up to a sweet smelling smell that floated around in the air. It was Oddish’s Sweet Scent. Shadow was in front of me, keeping the other Pokémon back. His Early Bird ability must have kicked in. He has great endurance, but a greater heart. He would not leave my side or engage in any more battles until I was safe. I saw the drag marks on the ground that was leading towards me. He had dragged me to the tree that he was thrown into earlier. The dent was still there. I was beginning to get worried about what was happening, but I had faith in Shadow.

Being on the ground, I could feel the vibrations of many Pokémon coming our way. It must be because of Oddish’s Sweet Scent. I could feel the paralysis wearing off and being able to move again. I looked around the surrounding area and noticed a vast amount of Pokémon. Anything from Caterpis to Machamps were gathering around the area, trying to get a whiff of the aroma that was emanating from the Oddish’s leaves. It smelt delightful, like a rose garden that was beginning to bloom in the beginning of spring. The sight was also beautiful. I had not seen so many Pokémon gathered together and be in such an excellent mood. Usually someone would be fighting over territory rights and such. I found myself getting distracted and focused back on the battle.

“Use Flamethrower!” I shouted, finally being able to stand up. Shadow quickly opened its mouth and launched a hot and powerful Flamethrower attack, hopefully burning it. The attack landed and hit it close to its petals. I felt the rays of the hot sun beating down on my forehead and sweat beginning to form. I knew this wasn’t good. The Vileplume would surely be harvesting the suns energy and attempt to use it in a Solar Beam attack or something similar. I looked at the Vileplume and looked down in defeat.

“HOUNDOUR!” He shrieked, sending me small embers. He backed up towards me and nudged my leg.

“You’re right buddy!” I agreed. “This battle is far from over.” I stood up straight and looked Vileplume directly in the eyes. It was glaring at me angrily. It finished absorbing the energy it needed and light green particles began forming around the hole in its head, near its petals. It launched it at full towards Shadow and me. Shadow pushed me out of the way and was hit by the Solar Beam, once again sending him into the tree that he was slammed into earlier. Shadow was weakened badly. He tried to get up, but kept falling. It appeared to be over. The Vileplume was absorbing more energy from the sun. It was going to attempt to finish off Shadow. I picked up Shadow and shielded him with my body. The Vileplume sucked in air and launched its attack at me. This one was a powerful one, it was really bright and a lime green color. I closed my eyes and waited for the attack to make contact with Shadow and me. I waited and waited, and then finally I opened my eyes and saw a green shield in front of me. I couldn’t see what was creating the shield, but whatever it was, it appeared to be strong. I saw that it had wings and a stinger on its tail. Then it hit me. The Pokémon in front of me, the one creating the shield to protect Shadow and I was a Gligar. There was not supposed to be any Gligars in this area. They were usually spotted in the mountain area further ahead. This one must have ventured away from its group. I thought to myself. The Gligar finally let the shield down and flew in front of me. It glared angrily at the Vileplume. The Vileplume was beginning to grow weary of all this fighting, but it was persistent and did not give up. It started running towards the Gligar launching several Energy Balls towards the wild Gligar. The Gligar moved swiftly through, dodging the attacks like nothing. The Vileplume appeared to me too tired to aim or care anymore. The Gligar was grinning from ear to ear. It flew at great speed at the Vileplume using its Ariel Ace attack. The attack itself wasn’t too hard, but it finally made the Vileplume run away. I was so grateful that it had finally given up and left. Shadow began moving again and he licked my arm.

“Thank you.” I said gratefully to the Gligar it moved closer to me and placed its wing on my back and as if giving a hug. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I saw a mischievous grin on his face and then it moved back. I saw a small tube in its claw. I looked on the side of my backpack and saw that it was gone. Everything that we had done today was for that small test tube, and Gligar had it. He continued to grin.

“Whoa, can we please have that back!” I pleaded. I was too exhausted to go after it if it flew away. I really needed that test tube to get it back to the Professors lab. The Professor did not state why he needed it, but said that it was important that I obtained some. The Gligar shook its head and its grin got bigger. It rose into the air moving slowly away from us. Shadow was annoyed by this and leapt out of my arms. I could sense that he was still in pain. Shadow opened its mouth, revealing its sharp teeth and growled loudly. The Gligar looked down at Shadow and its grin slowly disappeared.

It flew to the highest tree it could find and placed the test tube at the top of the tree. It then began heading towards us.

“Quick, use Flamethrower.”I ordered. I hoped this battle did not turn out like the last one. Shadow did not waste any time. He opened his mouth and sent a large flame line towards the Gligar. The wild Gligar ascended higher into the air. He aimed his tail at Shadow and launched several small purple missile-like pins towards him. It was Gligar’s Poison Sting attack. Shadow tried to dodge the attack, but was too tired from the previous battle to move fast enough. Shadow was hit by the Poison Sting, leaving him in more pain. I did not want to make Shadow fight any more so I decided to call him back. I pulled out his black jeweled Pokeball when Shadow leapt into the air and revealed his fangs. His mouth became covered in the red and white flames. Gligar obviously did not expect for Shadow to attack back. It levitated there looking dumbfounded. Shadow crunched down on Gligars left wing as hard as it possibly could. I could tell he was tired. All day today we were searching for a male Vileplume and we finally find one and get what we need and the Gligar just takes it. My body was aching all over, my legs were becoming weak. The Gligar plummeted down to the ground. It desperately tried to flap its wing, but Shadow had did some number on it. It crash landed on the ground and smiled at me. He appeared to be enjoying this. It wobbled on the ground a bit and then used Quick Attack. It launched itself at an amazingly fast speed towards Shadow. Shadow could not move as fast as the Gligar was moving. He had to find some way to slow Gligar down.

Gligar slammed into Shadow, causing Shadow to skid a couple of feet back. The Gligar appeared to be having fun. He was too fast for Shadow to catch right now. There has to be some way to slow him down. Then an idea crawled into my head. Maybe by combining some moves together could cause some serious damage.

“Use Smog all around Gligar.” I shouted out loud to Shadow. The Gligar eyed me, trying to figure out what I was planning. It tried to flap its wing to get airborne, but its wing was still injured. Shadow released dark clouds of smog all around the Gligar. The Gligar made an effortless attempt to flap away. The Gligar was quickly engulfed by Shadows smog move. “Now let’s see if we can cause a small explosion.” I stated, a grin forming on my face. “Use Flamethrower on the smog.” Shadow nodded and once again launched a stream of hot flames towards the area where Gligar was at. As soon as the flames touched the smog it lit up the whole area. Shadow made sure the flames would not catch fire with the nearby wildlife so that a forest fire would not start. Once the flames and smog cleared up, Gligar was lying in the ground. Its eyes were dazed and it was knocked out. I walked over to it and knelt by its side. I pulled out my water canteen and began pouring it onto its burns on its wing. The burns on its body were not as severe. I rubbed the area gently with the cold water. Afterwards I wrapped its wing up with some bandages that I had in my backpack. The Gligar slowly woke up. It still had that smile on its face. It bit by bit began to rise to its feet. He stretched his wings out and carefully flapped them. He flew to the top of the tree where he had placed the test tube earlier. He landed in front of me and handed it to me. I took it from its claw and smiled.

“Thank you!” I said gratefully once again. Gligar nodded and began speaking.

“Gligar Gli!” It said happily.

“You want to go with me?” I asked curiously. The Gligar nodded several times. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a red and white Pokeball. Gligar lifted its wing and pressed the center of the Pokeball. The Pokeball emitted a bright red light and swallowed up Gligar, taking him into the Pokeball.

“Looks like we have a new addition to our small expedition team!” I exclaimed. Shadow smiled and leapt into my arms. “Looks like we’re done for today. We should be thankful this Gligar came to our rescue. Who knows what would’ve happened had he not come. I guess he saved the day.” Shadow nodded slightly, he was already half asleep.
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Last edited by Bumblebee16; 09-08-2009 at 06:04 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-07-2009, 07:45 AM
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Default Re: Saving The Day - Ready to be graded

Pokemon Attempted: Gligar

10-20 Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 11,664

Character Count (With Spaces): 14,422
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Last edited by Bumblebee16; 09-07-2009 at 08:11 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-10-2009, 02:35 AM
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Default Re: Saving The Day - |Ready to be Graded|

Claimed as per request.
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  #4  
Old 09-11-2009, 01:25 AM
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Default Re: Saving The Day - |Ready to be Graded|

Introduction:
So this is your first story! Congrats on that.

You're after Gligar. That's pretty ambitious. Anywho - your introduction was alright. It didn't really strike me as an intro, though because it was not very "catchy". So you get a smell of a Vileplume. That's not very interesting to me and doesn't make me want to keep reading. It's always best if you start of with something interesting; a mystery, dialogue or extreme action.

Plot:
You bother a Vileplume and it attacks. Gligar protects you.
... You see where I'm having a problem with this. D:

Why are you collecting pollen from the Vileplume? (I know you said the Professor needed it, but that's not too specific. You didn't even list which Professor...) Are you a researcher? Do you need it for a cure? Why was Gligar there? Why did he venture away from his group? Why did he protect you? I'm left wondering these things... Be creative when you answer plot questions. It not only develops the plot but makes it easy to understand for the reader.

Dialogue:
Wonderful dialogue/amount. No problems here.

Grammar:
I found a few mistakes in here....

Quote:
A sour unpleasant smell flowed into my nose.
Since both sour and unpleasant are adjectives, they should be separated by a comma. Such as; "The pokeball was round, red and rolled towards the tree". Because both round and red are descriptive, they should be separated.

Quote:
I had stepped on its child, woke it up, and invaded its territory, and I expected it to just run away.
RUN ON SENTENCE! =o
Quote:
I had stepped on its child, woke it up and invaded its territory. It was wrong of me to expect I could just run away.
That sounds much better than saying and continuously.

Quote:
There was not supposed to be any Gligars in this area.
This just sounds awkward.
Quote:
There were not supposed to be any Gligar in this area.
By tweaking a few words, you can make it sound better.

Quote:
accidently
Accidentally.

Quote:
Anything from Caterpis to Machamps were gathering around the area, trying to get a whiff of the aroma that was emanating from the Oddish’s leaves.
Again, awkward.
Quote:
Everything from Caterpie to Machamp were gathering around the area, trying to get a whiff of the aroma that was emanating from Oddish’s leaves.
Quote:
Ariel Ace attack
This kind of "ariel" is Aerial. Ariel is a Little Mermaid. *laughs*

IMPORTANT - > I noticed quite a few LONG, LONG paragraphs. You should always create a new one when a different character performs an action. (So when Gligar arrives, he should get his own paragraph.)

Detail:
You have some of the best detail... I rarely see such description in stories. Truly magnificent.
Quote:
I looked up at the sky and saw the bright yellow sun beginning to hide behind a Cleffa shaped cloud.
That was my favorite descriptive line you wrote. It provides such clear and precise imagery that the reader has no problem imagining the scene.

Quote:
I put on some latex gloves to prevent any of Vileplume’s toxic pollen to come in contact with my skin.
I'm making an example of this because it's brilliant. Most writers don't think about the small details. Vileplume requires gloves to handle! It's so simple, yet practical. I'm glad you included this.

Hm... You used "sour" as a description several times over. Also, the word "looked" popped up... a lot. Maybe look in a thesaurus for varied words. Otherwise, your descriptions are flawless. You nailed Vileplume's looks, attacks from all corners and everything else I'd ever need to know. Great job.

Length:
PASS. You have the right amount of length.

Battle:
You had a wonderful battle. It was exciting. It was the right length. Attacks were described well. Next time, try to include a bit more of the surroundings. You'll get a better idea on how to do that as you gain more experience. My only "real" suggestion here is to space out your paragraphs when concerning the battles.

Catching:
I always feel harsh when it comes to this section.... *twitch*
Your description is fantastic. Your dialogue and battles are wonderful... Just be wary of grammar errors and plot holes. But because this is your first story, I'm going to be lenient and say, GLIGAR CAPTURED.
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