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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-10-2009, 03:29 AM
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Default The Balloon



The Balloon
Graded

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Author's Note; This is not your traditional capture story by any means. Ergo, I hope it's considered one of the most original Burmy stories to ever surface. ;3
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Carnival music danced through the fair and into the surrounding woods, just as it did every fall. Those deep underground as well as those who lived in the treetops were subjected to a continual loop of accordion joy. Overlooking the broken Tilt-O-Whirl was a large oak tree, which was currently home to varied bug Pokemon. Among those feasting on the supple leaves was a tiny, carnation colored worm. As he munched away, a very distinct aroma drifted to his bulbous nose. It smelled of cinnamon buns and powdered sugar. As saliva began an incredible build up, he turned to look for the enticing smell. However, his pursuit of the aroma was cut short as he saw something much more desirable than any food. The humans in the fair below were carrying bright, round orbs on strings. Wurmple had never seen something so beautiful, something he would risk anything for. He had no understanding of why it was so valued by the humans... but if they could have one, Wurmple felt as if he should have one too.

He inched to the end of the branch, scouting for any nearby children who might have one of those mystifying orbs. Several passed but none came near enough to the tree for Wurmple to ambush. Suddenly, a whining boy clutching a balloon and his clearly upset mother stormed by.

"BUT I WANTED A PLUSLE!" His high-pitched voice echoed several times over. Others at the carnival turned to look at the screeching kid as if he were being kidnapped.

His mother turned a bright shade of crimson and tugged at her spoiled son's hand. "I don't care if you wanted it. You're not going to get it with that ugly attitude!"

As the boy began to wail louder, Wurmple began lowering himself onto the capped head of the child.

"I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!" The boy started to pull away from his mother while simultaneously stomping his feet.

His mother whipped around to backhand her child when she noticed a curious Wurmple trying to attach itself to the balloon string. "AUGH!" Instead of hitting her whiny son, she smacked the Wurmple to the ground and pulled her offspring away from the dirty insect.

Wurmple sat up from the savage attack. This was when he realized that it was going to be impossible to obtain a floating circle if it was indeed, floating. A look of defeat slowly rose to his face. He didn't want to give up his new dream of owning such a magnificent item... but the chances of acquiring one seemed increasingly slim. Wurmple sighed and began his return to his home, multiple feet dragging and a pout on his face.

"Zzz... Zzz..."

"Wurm?" The odd sound was coming from the trash can ahead. His body moved up and down to propel the worm closer to the mysterious noise. Curious golden eyes peeked around the curved metal. They lit up instantly when Wumple saw exactly what he was looking for. There was a bright, flamboyant balloon laying there for all to see. He squeaked with excitement and hurriedly inched to grab one of the two black strings. Wurmple smiled proudly and began to drag his prize home. It may not float like the ones the humans had, but that was alright with him.

"Burmy!" The sleeping 'balloon' woke with a startled cry and leaped to her feet.

Wurmple was just as shocked as the frightened Burmy. His new item was trying to float away! He scowled and yelled at it to get back on the ground. There was no chance of him loosing his prized possession so quickly.

The magenta Burmy glared at its captor. She did not like being pulled along the ground as if she were a toy. The trash Burmy twisted out of the worm's grasp and stood tall on two obsidian stick legs.

Wurmple gasped and narrowed his eyes. There was no way he would loose to his mystical item. He narrowed his mouth to a small "o", expelling a line of sticky, white thread. It splattered against Burmy's feet, tangling the bagworm in a warm snare.

Burmy began to wiggle left and right to free itself from the white mess. It was to no avail. As the carnation worm smiled in victory the magenta bug closed its eyes. A small hum began to emanate from the concentrating Pokemon.

Wurmple stopped in his tracks, looking around in a furious confusion.

Little rocks began to pick themselves up from the dusty ground. They orbited Burmy as if she were the sun. Suddenly, small, beady eyes snapped open, causing the rocks to halt in mid-air. With a shout of her name, the stones launched themselves at the enemy.

Wurmple dropped to the ground and rolled to his left to avoid the onslaught of flying pebbles. They smacked against the tree behind him in rapid succession. The small Pokemon cried as they hit the wood in a bullet barrage. It lasted for several seconds before the air was free of attack. He shot up, instantly launching bright violet spikes in retaliation.

Burmy saw the savage attack and wished inwardly for protection. A bright barrier appeared from thin air. It was a glossy, crystalline white and stood as tall as the Pokemon it was protecting.

The purple pins pelted the glass wall for what seemed to be an eternity. Wurmple knew it was only a matter of time before it faded.

Each glowing pin ticked the wall, making invisible cracks. With each hit, the cracks expanded until the barrier looked like a spider web.

As the wall came crashing down, Wurmple halted his Poison Sting and charged for a physical attack. He threw the weight of his tiny frame against the bagworm in the attempt to knock his opponent down. It succeeded.

Burmy was pushed to the ground, still secure by the String Shot from the beginning of the battle. She was running out of options. A miniscule mouth opened and clamped onto the exposed back of the worm. The beak-like mouth of the Burmy crunched several times on Wurmple's exterior before releasing her grip.

Wurmple whipped around to return Burmy's Bug Bite. However, he planned to be much more of a pain. As his mouth was positioned over Burmy's coat, a deep cough produced several more poison pins. They burrowed into the magenta bag, piercing the inner shell of the bug.

Burmy twitched rapidly as the needles dug into her body. Slowly, she began to loose strength and pass out into extreme darkness.

Wurmple waited, eyeing his prize cautiously. When the other showed no signs of moving, he descended upon Burmy and carefully tugged at one of the limp legs. He finally had his mystifying 'balloon'. Feeling proud at his accomplishment, Wurmple headed home, dragging poor Burmy behind him.


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End Note; I had this idea in my sleep. Weird, but I thought it was a brilliant Burmy plot. (Better than Gary walking into the forest with Charmander and finding one, right? *laughs*)
Anywho, if Burmy is captured, Wurmple gets his balloon. If not, Burmy wakes up and scampers off, leaving a sad Wurmple behind.
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Pokemon Attempted; Burmy.
3 - 5k Character Range.
Character Count (Without Spaces); 5,279
Character Count (With Spaces); 6,421
((All character counts do not include Author's Notes or Divider Bars.))
Graded.

Last edited by Sequentio; 10-18-2009 at 05:15 AM.
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  #2  
Old 09-13-2009, 02:30 AM
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Default Re: The Balloon

This would have been up earlier today, but I came down with a sore throat and a fever (I feel better now, though.) Thank God band practice was cancelled. @_@

Oh yeah; first story I grade in like, ever.

Plot: I found it adorable. :3 Wurmple reminded me of a small child who thinks his cardboard box is some kind of castle or fortress. At the same time, it also reminds me that not all Pokémon know what a carnival or a balloon is, especially ones who live in the wild. This is something many people forget, myself included (I mean, how can a wild Pokémon, who’s never been near a city, know what a house or Pokémon Center is?); not all of them have been traveling around with trainers after all. I could definitely see you adding more to this (the “Misadventures of Wurmple” xD), but still, the story was perfect for the Burmy.

Introduction: Nothing too exciting. You took the normal route of describing the surroundings and then introducing your main character. Just make sure you don’t use the same set-up in all of your stories. After you write plenty of stories and get well-known, graders will realize the “describe surroundings then the main character” and get bored.

Warning aside, the intro was good, and to be honest, jumping straight into some action or dialogue would have probably ruined the whole “innocent Wurmple one day decides to cause havoc” plot.

Grammar/Spelling: There was a missed comma somewhere in there and probably some other typo, but nothing that needs discussing. Your method of proofreading works, so keep on doing what you do.

There was this, though:

Quote:
As saliva began an incredible build up,
I know what you’re saying, but it’s a bit awkward to read. Remember that the more description you put in an action, the higher the chance that it may sound awkward. When you read over your story, keep an eye out for that.

Description/Detail: This section was perfect for Burmy. For bigger and more elaborate stories, keep in mind that Pokémon need to be described as accurately as possible. You told us Wurmple was red, was a worm, had a big nose, and had multiple feet, and while this is great, being a bit more detailed will separate you from “a good story in where the reader can see most of the characters/Pokémon” and “a great story in where the reader had a good picture about what each individual character/Pokémon looks like.” I’m sure you don’t want to settle for just “good”, right? (Gee, I sound like my Band director.)

The above advice can also be used for your surroundings and human characters.

Battle: Admittedly, one of the longest battles I’ve read for a Burmy, which is a good thing. The two dealt a good number of attacks, and both of them had the upper hand at least once. Two tips to keep in mind for next time:

1) Get creative and use your surroundings. In a carnival, I’m sure you can find many things to exploit, such as broken-down rides and discarded food.

2) Make sure you tell us the name of all the attacks used. Sometimes, the fact that the Pokémon used Protect may not be so obvious, and this is especially true when there’s a hardcore battle between more than two Pokémon.

Outcome: How can I say no to you? The story was superb. Burmy captured! Please keep my advice in mind. Now, go on and write more stories to impress me with! :3

- Kat
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  #3  
Old 09-13-2009, 02:47 AM
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Default Re: The Balloon

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
This would have been up earlier today, but I came down with a sore throat and a fever (I feel better now, though.) Thank God band practice was cancelled. @_@

Oh yeah; first story I grade in like, ever.

Plot: I found it adorable. :3 Wurmple reminded me of a small child who thinks his cardboard box is some kind of castle or fortress. At the same time, it also reminds me that not all Pokémon know what a carnival or a balloon is, especially ones who live in the wild. This is something many people forget, myself included (I mean, how can a wild Pokémon, who’s never been near a city, know what a house or Pokémon Center is?); not all of them have been traveling around with trainers after all. I could definitely see you adding more to this (the “Misadventures of Wurmple” xD), but still, the story was perfect for the Burmy.

Introduction: Nothing too exciting. You took the normal route of describing the surroundings and then introducing your main character. Just make sure you don’t use the same set-up in all of your stories. After you write plenty of stories and get well-known, graders will realize the “describe surroundings then the main character” and get bored.

Warning aside, the intro was good, and to be honest, jumping straight into some action or dialogue would have probably ruined the whole “innocent Wurmple one day decides to cause havoc” plot.

Grammar/Spelling: There was a missed comma somewhere in there and probably some other typo, but nothing that needs discussing. Your method of proofreading works, so keep on doing what you do.

There was this, though:



I know what you’re saying, but it’s a bit awkward to read. Remember that the more description you put in an action, the higher the chance that it may sound awkward. When you read over your story, keep an eye out for that.

Description/Detail: This section was perfect for Burmy. For bigger and more elaborate stories, keep in mind that Pokémon need to be described as accurately as possible. You told us Wurmple was red, was a worm, had a big nose, and had multiple feet, and while this is great, being a bit more detailed will separate you from “a good story in where the reader can see most of the characters/Pokémon” and “a great story in where the reader had a good picture about what each individual character/Pokémon looks like.” I’m sure you don’t want to settle for just “good”, right? (Gee, I sound like my Band director.)

The above advice can also be used for your surroundings and human characters.

Battle: Admittedly, one of the longest battles I’ve read for a Burmy, which is a good thing. The two dealt a good number of attacks, and both of them had the upper hand at least once. Two tips to keep in mind for next time:

1) Get creative and use your surroundings. In a carnival, I’m sure you can find many things to exploit, such as broken-down rides and discarded food.

2) Make sure you tell us the name of all the attacks used. Sometimes, the fact that the Pokémon used Protect may not be so obvious, and this is especially true when there’s a hardcore battle between more than two Pokémon.

Outcome: How can I say no to you? The story was superb. Burmy captured! Please keep my advice in mind. Now, go on and write more stories to impress me with! :3

- Kat
*laughs* Thank you for the grade, Kat. It was very quick!

I was thinking of writing a follow up for Wurmple. Now, I'm pretty sure I should when I'm done with the others I have planned.

I appreciate the comments on the Introduction/Detail sections. I will be sure to use those.

On the last note; I don't proofread. *laughs*
Well, unless you count a super quick rundown that's done in 30 seconds. >__>

Again, thanks for the grade and I hope you feel better soon.
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