Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 10-15-2009, 06:43 AM
Sequentio's Avatar
Sequentio Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Дома
Posts: 1,945
Send a message via AIM to Sequentio
Default The Misadventures of Wurmple




The Misadventures of Wurmple
Needs to be Graded

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Author's Note; This was inspired by Kat, who suggested I continue on from The Balloon. This is more about the spunky Wurmple and his misadventures through the world.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Fall was clawing its way into the tail end of summer, bringing with it frigid temperatures. A lone Wurmple sighed; resting on a branch that over looked an empty field. It felt like only yesterday that screams of happy children drifted through the forest. They had enjoyed the massive carnival while it was there - and for the most part... the Pokemon of the woods enjoyed it too. They liked watching the strange contraptions gyrate, while they themselves picked up numerous scraps of discarded food. Marv the Wurmple was one who found the annual carnival titillating. It was there he had found his sacred balloon.

"Wurm!" A wave of angst washed over the voyeuristic worm. Tears pooled in his shallow, black eyes as he thought about his beloved.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It had been one week since he last saw his precious balloon. He had carted the light magenta package all the way home and up the side of an old maple tree. The Wurmple had made his home in a hollowed out knot, just below the browning branches. He gained many odd looks from the neighboring Kakuna as the little red worm hauled a large, pink object in a vertical fashion along the side of the tree. It had been a tiring trek, but one he enjoyed reflecting upon as he settled down for the night. Ten yellow, round arms helped position the malformed balloon opposite his bed. The interior of his humble abode consisted of several twigs, leafs and shiny bottle caps which he liked to brag about to his brother Steve. Apparently, the more bottle caps you had, the more manly you were - and Marv the Wurmple was one of the manliest Wurmple in all the forest.

"Wurmple..." Lazy eyes shut as the bug settled into a next of comfortable leaves. Marv took one more look at his prize before drifting off into a peaceful slumber.


"Burmy?" The alleged balloon's eyes popped open, searching frantically for a clue on her whereabouts. All that lay ahead was darkness, with a small stream of moonlight seeping in from the outside world. The rays settled on a tiny red bug that appeared to be sleeping. "Bur!" the pink bagworm gasped. She recognized him as the crazy Pokemon which attacked her earlier; calling her a 'balloon' and whatnot. She was unsure whether to be insulted or complimented by this, and while pondering this conundrum, the crazed Wurmple had attacked. The last thing Burmy remembered was the feeling of pins in her side. Golden eyes darted to see if there were any purple spikes remaining in her trash cloak. Luckily, there were none.

"Zzz... Zzz..." The short worm began to snore as he rolled over onto his back.

This was her chance to escape from the manacle worm. A pair of thin black legs tip-toed across the wooden floor as she ventured forth on a journey to freedom. Her legs made no more sound than a pencil tapping lightly on a desk. With one final look at her captor, she leaped from the knot hole into the moonlight, allowing her plastic cloak to carry her on the brisk wind.


Marv awoke the next morning, ready to greet his prized balloon with a smile for a new day. The rounded mouth fell as he rapidly looked for the magenta-colored object of affection. It was nowhere to be seen. The Wurmple burst into a flood of tears at the disappearance of the balloon. It was soon accompanied by wails, lasting into the night.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Marv groaned, the pain of his loss aching through his long body. It was with a broken heart that he looked to the setting sun. It offered the last bit of warmth it had before retreating below the horizon. It was time to return home. The Wurmple turned himself around on the branch with suction-cupped feet as he headed towards his humble tree knot.

As he approached the opening of his home, he noticed something odd was resting on the lip of the entrance. It was long and blue, and looked fluffy from a distance. Marv would have to approach with caution. He took a step forward, watching the thing in the doorway twitch constantly. He took a second step, wondering if it would have the same effect on the mysterious object. It did, with one exception. This time, the foreign object disappeared from sight. The Wurmple was considering further investigation before it came into view. It was a puffy tail, attached to a large squirrel that was currently pilfering through his bottle cap collection.

"Pachirisu!" it said. The squirrel, which was a snowy white, save for the blue stripe down its back, turned to face the awe-struck Wurmple. It chattered in an angry tone, apparently upset that its rummaging had been halted. In its clasping paws, it held two shiny bottle caps retrieved from Marv's collection. With a glint in its eye, the Pachirisu turned away; ready to make a crafty escape.

"Wurm? Wurmple, Wurmple, Wurmple!" Marv was shocked by the intruder's attitude. It was his house, and those were his bottle caps! He just had to stop the thief before he got away with all his manly treasures. What if it was this Pachirisu that had stolen his beloved balloon? He must fight for the name of love and masculinity!

A thread of silk fired at the kleptomaniac, attempting to ensnare the Pachirisu. As soon as the slimy thread touched its pristine fur, it stuck like glue. The squirrel struggled valiantly, but the String Shot held firm. This gave Marv the chance to charge the intruder, using Tackle. His small frame didn't do much against the large Pokemon, but it was a step in the right direction.

The squirrel stumbled from the impact of Marv's writhing body. It tried to retaliate, but to no avail. Finally, the String Shot turned brittle from the frosty air, allowing it to crack and fall to the ground. Pachirisu knew it would have to strike hard and strike fast to gain an advantage. It began to dash towards the retreating worm, paws ablaze in white light. Before the Wurmple had a chance to turn around, the circular face of Pachirisu struck the worm's side in a vicious Quick Attack. As Marv fell over in a daze, the cunning electric squirrel looked around for some sort of help. It spotted several dead branches hanging over head, adorned in withering leaves and brown seedlings. Claws dug into the side of the maple as it scurried up to the decaying seeds. One by one, Pachirisu detached them and made a pile. In no time, the thief began to let the seeds rain down on Marv in a frenzied Seed Bomb.

Marv looked upwards, noticing his opponent had fled to higher ground. Before he knew it, large seeds were pouring down, trying to knock him off the feeble branch. The Wurmple dodged and twisted to avoid being pelted. Soon enough, Pachirisu had run out of seeds giving Marv the perfect opportunity to attack. His small yellow mouth opened wide, releasing an expansive spray of violet needles.

The Poison Sting struck the thief in the thigh, causing Pachirisu to cry out in pain. Toxic chemicals leaked from their pin-like containers into the squirrel. Though in severe pain and the beginning of sepsis, the fluffy blue and white tail whipped around, unveiling numerous gold stars. They flew like shurriken, swirling and twisting in an extreme Swift.

Marv was stunned, seeing a galaxy of stars closing in. All he could think to do was release massive amounts of thread. String Shot after String Shot, the Wurmple moved back and forth. The sticky thread held onto the maple's firm bark, creating a giant web spanning from the outer most branch to the main frame of the tree. The rapid stars caught hold of the thread, clinging onto the sticky goo currently covering each strand. None of them hit the desired target.

Frustrated, Pachirisu did the last thing it knew how to do. It used Fling, throwing the stolen bottle caps in anger at the Wurmple.

Seeing the opportunity to end the battle, Marv launched himself into the air. He was nearing the bottle caps, which were falling from two branches above. His hind end landed on a shiny red cap which he used to propel himself forward. Marv had obtained flight as his mouth opened wide. Pachirisu was too surprised to move, allowing Wurmple to clamp down on the poisoned leg with a Bug Bite.

Feeling faint from the Poison Sting, the squirrel keeled over. Marv had been victorious! He marched back inside his home with both bottle caps in many hands. Even though his victory today would not replace the loss of his balloon, it made him feel whole once more.


[END]


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End Note; Just a little Wurmple story. I might even write a follow up concerning Marv and Steve's sibling rivalry, if anyone requests it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Pokemon Attempted; Wurmple.
3 - 5 k Character Range.
Character Count (Without Spaces); 6,800+
Character Count (With Spaces); 8,200+
((All character counts do not include Author's Notes or Divider Bars.))
Needs to be Graded.

Last edited by Sequentio; 10-18-2009 at 02:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-22-2009, 04:37 AM
Sec's Avatar
Sec Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Shellder Bowling! :D
Posts: 1,016
Send a message via AIM to Sec
Default Re: The Misadventures of Wurmple

Sorry this took so long Seq D:

Introduction and Characters:
There was one thing that I absolutely loved about your introduction that we don’t see in most sequels. You introduce the story in a way that makes it so that you can appreciate the story without even reading “The Balloon.” I honestly thought your introduction was marvelous! If there’s any part of the story that you really nailed it was this. The character is introduced and we get a glimpse of not only his appearance but his personality as well, the setting is obvious right off the bat and I was interested in the story right away. Marv is nicely portrayed not only in the beginning of the story but throughout the entire thing. It was nice to be able to read a character’s personality so easily without having to work it out for myself based on little clues like in most other stories. Great job here, I have no complaints!

Story/Plot:
Such a cute story; a nice addition to “The Balloon”! I loved the incorporation of the bottle caps as more than just a random thought; I thought it was kind of neat how something that seemed like a random detail turned out to be a key part in the story. You get extra credit points for creativity for sure (granted I don’t grade on a point system but you know what I mean. One thing that upset me was how random the Pachirisu situation was. One second we’re all feeling bad for poor little Wurmple’s loss and then seconds later: BAM! PACHARISU BANDIT! It was a cute idea and it great, just a tad random. A little foreshadowing would have helped a lot with that. But this is an easiest level story; your plot surpassed the requirements for this by a long shot. I’m sure that if this were a higher level story you would have taken care of that! Nice job here, especially on originality once again!

Conventions:
Your conventions, as usual, were near flawless. The only things that I could find were little typos are easily forgettable mistakes, but I’ll point them out to you anyways because it’s just nice to know about them, right?
Quote:
"Wurmple..." Lazy eyes shut as the bug settled into a next of comfortable leaves.
I believe ‘next’ should be nest. It’s just a simple typo; I can definitely see how you could just skim over it without noticing.
Quote:
Apparently, the more bottle caps you had, the more manly you were
The proper term here would be ‘manlier’ not ‘more manly’. Any adjective ending in –y gets the suffix –ier rather than the word more before it. It’s just fun grammar stuff that nobody really knows or really cares about.
Quote:
A pair of thin black legs tip-toed across the wooden floor as she ventured forth on a journey to freedom.
Be careful of when you dashes. ‘Tiptoed’ is actually one word. Since you added that dash, ‘tip-toed’ is improper and as such, your sentence has no verb, making this a fragment.

Yes, I’m being nitpicky here. Your grammar is robust and you definitely still get top marks here! I just wanted to point out your few mistakes so that you can improve, even on the grammar rules that almost nobody pays attention to such as the ‘manlier’ thing. Once you start writing really high-level stories you’re going to want to know these kinds of things!

Detail:
You make my job so hard Seq. Everything in your story is so good and I can find almost nothing to critique on! Your detail and description far exceeded the requirements for a Wurmple story! You’re becoming very adept at structuring your sentences in a way that make everything seem more interesting and flow better so kudos for that! Your vocabulary is astounding; however, you need to be careful when you’re using large words to describe things. This isn’t a research paper, it’s a story. You want to make sure that if you use big words (such as ‘kleptomaniac’ or ‘sepsis;’ both of which I had to look up) that your reader can easily understand what they mean. Nothing takes away from a story like having to look up a word in order to continue reading. Your actual description however, were plentiful in quality and quantity so great job! Overall a nice job, just be careful of those big words! I’m not saying you shouldn’t use them, just make sure that their meaning is clear (context clues and such).

Length:
8,400 when you only needed 3,000 – 5,000. I smell an overachiever!

Battle:
Again with making my job difficult! Almost half of your story was just the battle, so length wasn’t a problem in the slightest. The battle was fairly well balanced, your attacks were described very well, and it was actually very interesting, especially for such a low level story! The setting was perfect for an interesting battle and you did a very nice job of incorporating that into the fight. One thing I would try to do is add in more combos though. It seemed like the attacks in the battle played out like a big tug-o-war, Wurmple and Pachirisu were sort of alternating attacks with very few combinations. I think this was another one of those things that happened just because the story is an easiest rank story though so it’s not a big deal by any means. Long story short: wonderful battle!

Outcome:
How can I say no? This story is more than perfect for a Pokemon like Wurmple! Wurmple Captured! Your only mistakes are tiny, and don’t even make a slight difference since this story was of such a low difficulty (and I'm pretty sure that's the only reason these little things happened). Just be careful of the few things that I mentioned when you go back to writing harder stories again! I'm sorry if it seems like I looked too much into things for an easiest story, I just wanted to give some sort of critique rather than say *pat on the back, gives wurmple* Enjoy your worm!
__________________

Last edited by Sec; 10-22-2009 at 04:40 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:10 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com