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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-15-2009, 07:00 PM
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Default The Destroyer of Worlds

The cool night air whisked by my face as I walked to Weatherblade, our colony leader. He was cat-like, large, with black spikes jutting from the back of his head and more of the dark color soaring across his back and to his legs. Everything else was either blue or the occasional yellow. His species was a Luxray.

ďI am glad you are here, Streaktail. You must follow me to the lake,Ē he said. His voice was extremely deep, and hostile. However, I knew that he was very kind-hearted to all that were his friends.

We trotted along to the large pond known as The Lake of Rage, where a red serpent used to live.

I looked to the water, my reflection looked shaky, but itís face contorted into concentration. It was blue, with a yellow band around itís neck. I knew the rest of my features. My entire body was light azul, my back legs, unlike my front, which had yellow stripes at the heel, was black. Two ovals were at the sides of my head. They were my ears, of course, and a tuft of fur stood on end atop my forehead. I was a shinx, and I knew what there was to do.

Welcome to Shaymin Valley. This place, where the so-called legendary Shaymin created, was the greatest place a Pokemon could want. With clear, misty dew clinging to green blades of grass. The Lake of Rage sitting right in the middle, itís clear, glassy waters rippling calmly as Pokemon hunted in itís depths. It was beautiful, a paradise. Though there was one single flaw.

Every other year, one youth had to travel to the center of the lake, and be devoured by a horrible monster. No one knew what was in there, but legend stated it was a horrible hybrid of monsters. On the downside, if it was not fed, it would destroy Shaymin Valley.

Thatís where we get back here. I had been chosen to be the sacrifice for this year. I, a Shinx, whose final evolution are valiant, brave, and proud, would not go down without a fight. Even though there was nothing I could do to stop my choosing, a little twinge of hope rested in my heart, which was beating quickly. I was going to do as much damage I could do to the thing before I died.

ďIt is time,Ē Weatherblade said. I noticed for the first time in my life, a single tear was running down his black cheek. It fell to the dark green ground, where a small bolt of lightning soared to the sky.

I looked towards the center of the lake. It was black, shadows descended upon it more and more as the moon began to fall to the Earth.

ďGo. Leave now. You must swim across. Good-bye, Streaktail, bravest of youths,Ē the Luxray said.

I turned to the water. It was just as calm as it was in the daytime, but this time, it was murky green. This would be the last time I would be seeing itís peaceful waters. I bit back tears as my body leapt into the water.

The first thought as I disturbed the glass-like liquid was that it was ice-cold. However, this was nothing compared to the dread I suddenly felt as I started swimming. The freezing water seemed to have destroyed my warm bravery. Nevertheless, I swam on.

I started to notice the shadows were lifting as my feet paddled forward. They were revealing a caveís shadow, or was it only a rock? My curiosity got the better of me, and I swam to it.

I arrived at the rock, which, thankfully, had a sand bank for me to rest. I would have gladly slept, but I had to keep forth. My first prediction was correct. It was a cave, and now I could see that it was brown, with loose rocks hanging here and there.

This is certainly the monsterís lair, I thought, I have to go in.

I approached to black mouth of the cave, my entire body wet with numbness from the water. I trotted headlong into my death.

The first few steps inside the entrance seemed to light the room. The cave was deeper than I had thought before. It seemed to be an endless, echoing interior of a castle. The first room was like a gold mine. Diamonds and jades coupled with crowns and swords. It was a beautiful sight. But I did not come here to observe rooms, I came here to die.

The second room was not very different than the first. The only flaw from this part being a copy of the original was that a single skeleton lying in a heap on a mound of gold. It was covered in jewels and necklaces. A golden crown was atop the head of this humanoid body, a sword stabbing the mountain of gold. Oddly disgusted by this past lifeís greed, I walked on.

The third room was an exact copy of the first room. The fourth was a sight to behold. Instead of being littered with golden coins, gigantic diamonds, emeralds, and blades, was an amethyst the size of the room. A sign was on the ground, and I could barely make out the words:

Amethyst, sign of Shaymin. Jewel of Shaymin.

The next room was behind the gem, so I started toward it.

The next hundred or so rooms were similar to the first, with the occasional skeleton, dead because of itís greediness.

At long last, there was a golden door, on it read:

The room of the Behyak, destroyer of worlds.

At once the door started to open, revealing what looked like a throne room. A chair of gold was at the end of the chasm, with silver walls aligning the cave. This was where the monster, which I assumed was Behyak, dwelled.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was batted aside. My attacker was a terrifying sight.

The monster was serpent-like, black all the way down to the tips of itís flaming tail (Except itís head). The blade-like claws of a Scyther were connected to the monsterís belly. There were three pairs. Itís head was huge, purple, with green dots circling the rim, the head of a Spiritomb, which was growling evilly. The hybrid had huge, torn wings, ending in small skulls. Silver and golden spikes ran along the creatureís back. A small, golden ring was on the tail.

This was Behyak, and by the looks of it, he was hungry.

I collected myself, standing up.

Behyak lunged, itís skull breathing smoke as itís Spiritomb head opened to show a green, ghastly mouth. I jumped out of the way. I was unlucky, for the flaming tail of the destroyer of worlds struck and burned me. I felt myself soaring through the air, ending in a crumpled heap as I hit the opposite wall.

I got up and fired a bolt of lightning toward Behyak. The attack seemed to oddly follow my opponent as it moved toward itís throne. It did little effect, but Behyak suddenly turned itís head toward me. A dark shadow seemed to attracted to itís mouth, forming into an orb. It fired the Shadow Ball straight at me. I leapt too late.

What struck me as odd was the fact that the attack did not make me soar through the air, but I barely came off the ground at all, landing a few feet away from my original position. Behyak was nearly on me, when I leapt out of the way as he lunged, missing me by mere inches.

Behyak did not turn to me, and as I blasted another bolt of lightning at the monster, it turned. Then scuttled along the ground with itís claws, making a swift, clattering noise.

I jumped out of the way. Behyakís head did not follow. Then a theory took me.

Behyak, destroyer of worlds, was blind. He had not been charging at me madly because he did not know where I was. My attacks had followed him because he was a magnet to attacks, barely affecting him, but revealing his preyís whereabouts.

But I had to test. So, taking a nearby golden nugget into my mouth, I flung it toward a distant wall as hard as I could. It bounced off the wall, making a clang as it hit the silver. At the same time, Behyak turned itís head, and lunged, striking the wall. The monster was screaming and spitting in pain. I charged, snatching the monsterís black skin with my teeth. It let out a cry of terror as it tried to shake me off, but I held on, determined not to let go.

I let loose as much electricity as I could. Behyak shrieked in agony. I thought my ears would explode from the noise. At long last, after many discharges of lightning, I released my hold on the monster. I was exhausted from this battle, and from swimming, and from walking through the cave.

Behyak was finally upon me. It was ready to show me the sensation of itís sort of pain. I was afraid of itís pain. During the nights where a sacrifice was sent before all this happened, the entire clan would hear screams for help and shrieks of anguish, then, near the morning, everything was quiet.

My enemyís attack was as quick as lightning. Everything was pain, horrid pain. My blood was in pain; my brain was blinded by searing hot flames. I was screaming as loud as I could. But no one was there to help me out of Behyakís grasp.

And then the pain stopped. I stared at the destroyer of worlds. He was smiling, he thought I was dead. I guessed that one bite is all that was needed to kill. Then how come I wasnít dead? I had no time to ponder as Behyakís mouth started to descend toward my body. If he connected, I would be eaten alive. So I crawled away from the gaping hole.

Behyakís mouth touched cold metal. His head suddenly bolted upward, his sightless eyes looking around in distress. Then, as he let out a roar of frustration, I realized his true weakness.

When his head had slammed against the wall, Behyak acted like he was being tortured. His face was his weakness.

I looked around for something sharp, something I could use to stab that evil face. There was nothing. I was left in a state of crisis. Then, out of frustration, I bit my leg, causing it to bleed.

That was it! My fangs! My bite attack combined with my remaining electrical powers would probably destroy Behyak for good.

I started to concentrate all of my power to my fangs. Thunder surrounding them. I was attacking the destroyer of worlds with an attack I had never used before: Thunder Fang.

I started to run at high speeds toward Behyak, determination surging through my veins. I jumped, and the miserable monster turned it's head. I chomped my white teeth right onto Behyakís forehead. it screamed in pain. My electricity was going to kill it. Hopefully.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Behyak dies, it's a capture. If it doesn't, it's not a capture.
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Last edited by riolu42; 10-24-2009 at 01:20 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-15-2009, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: The Destroyer of Worlds

Going for: Shinx
characters without spaces: 8,046
characters with spaces: 10,010
Characters needed: 5-10k

Needed grader.
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  #3  
Old 10-22-2009, 03:55 AM
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Default Re: The Destroyer of Worlds

This has been waiting a week.

EDIT: EDIT;

I'm sorry it took so long. I wasn't expecting to be so distracted over the period of a few days. Here you are, though.


Introduction:
You began with a very nice, wholesome description. I understood exactly what Luxray looked like. In addition to description, I was treated to a hint of the plot. This is always the best way to interest someone. Not only are we introduced to one character, but we have an idea of what's to come - which keeps people reading to see exactly what it is. All in all, you had a pleasant introduction.


Plot:
You begin by telling us that a Luxray named Weatherblade is leading Streaktail the Shinx (you) to the Lake of Rage in Shaymin Valley to be a ritual sacrifice for a rampaging monster. (The names used for the Pokemon reminded me of the Warriors Series). Now, this is truly a unique plot and I was very interested in it, once I got going. You made me feel attached to Streaktail as he put on a brave face to face the monster in the lake. However, I was distracted by the conflicting surroundings. One minute, you inform me of the Lake of Rage, located in Johto. Next, it's magically transported to the other side of Sinnoh? I kept wondering what was going on concerning the surroundings, (besides the vast amount of description). Sometimes, it's the little plot kinks that concern the reader.

After I got past the initial confusion of the surroundings, I was treated to intense descriptions of the caves the Shinx wandered about in. Finally we're introduced to Behyak, who is a hybrid mix of Pokemon. Unfortunately, it's not explained why this is - or even why it's the Shinx/Luxray line that must be fed to the beast to appease him. A bit more background information would be appreciated, especially in longer stories.

Still, the plot was very unique and it certainly wasn't something I've seen in first stories. Just remember to elaborate and clean up the finer details in future stories and you'll go pretty far.


Dialogue:
You did not have much dialogue, which is fine for a shorter story. However, readers like dialogue because it gives them a break from long, descriptive paragraphs. I understand there's not much to say when Behyak is raring and charging, but try to have a bit more in the other stories you write. Again, good job here.


Grammar:
It's pretty difficult to point out grammar errors when there aren't that many. However, there is one specific thing I continually see in your work.

Quote:
I looked to the water, my reflection looked shaky, but it’s face contorted into concentration. It was blue, with a yellow band around it’s neck.

The next hundred or so rooms were similar to the first, with the occasional skeleton, dead because of it’s greediness.

Behyak lunged, it’s skull breathing smoke as it’s Spiritomb head opened to show a green, ghastly mouth.

The attack seemed to oddly follow my opponent as it moved toward it’s throne. It did little effect, but Behyak suddenly turned it’s head toward me. A dark shadow seemed to attracted to it’s mouth, forming into an orb.

Then scuttled along the ground with it’s claws, making a swift, clattering noise.

It was ready to show me the sensation of it’s sort of pain. I was afraid of it’s pain.
Its and it's have two very different meanings. To say it's, you're implying, "it is." If you read over your sentences and insert "it is" everywhere you have a contraction, it does not make a lot of sense. This is why "its" is quite important. "Its" is used when there is possession of an object. Such as, "its arm is green" or "its face was hideous."
The contraction form is used in cases such as, "It's a darn shame."
Always remember that contractions are putting two words together.

The other errors were minor, consisting of just a forgotten word or something of that nature.

Quote:
I was a shinx, and I knew what there was to do.
Because Shinx is a Pokemon, it should be capitalized.
Also, this sentence is worded in a confusing manner. Shinx knew what there was to do? What was there to do? It would make more sense to say, "I was a Shinx, and I knew what to do."

Quote:
I, a Shinx, whose final evolution are valiant, brave, and proud, would not go down without a fight.
Instead of are, is would be a better choice, since you're addressing that specific Shinx's possible evolution.

Quote:
Thunder surrounding them.

Hopefully.
These are good examples of sentence fragments. Usually, they would have been better incorporated with the sentence prior.

Overall, this section was very good. Just make sure to read over things to see if they sound correct, and don't forget about "its and it's."


Detail:
This is easily the best part of your story. Everything was described exceedingly well from the characters to the scenery to the battle. Your words were artful and carefully chosen, which shows the reader how much thought you put into the story. I had clear images in my mind of Streaktail, Behyak and Weatherblade as well as the surroundings, thoughts, actions and whatever else you wanted the reader to know.

My only gripes with detail concern the plot, with back story and the whole "Lake of Rage/Shaymin Valley" ordeal. When you write more stories, be sure to smooth out the fine details...

Also, I noticed something while reading it over for a second time. When talking about the multiple rooms littering the cave, I was left disappointed. I understand that all the rooms contained beautiful gems, gold and even a few skeletons. However, you spent several sentences telling me they were all the same.

Quote:
The first room was like a gold mine.

The second room was not very different than the first.

The third room was an exact copy of the first room. The fourth was a sight to behold.

The next room was behind the gem, so I started toward it.

The next hundred or so rooms were similar to the first, with the occasional skeleton, dead because of it’s greediness.
It gets a bit repetitive. (Not to mention, I'd think it'd be difficult to go through a hundred rooms when you have a hungry monster waiting for you.)


But for this being your first story, I must say it's exceptional. I hope such levels of writing continue on.


Length:
You had just the right amount of characters, even reaching near the end of the required amount. I see no problem here!


Battle:
Your battle was very interesting, as it wasn't between two Pokemon, but a Pokemon and a hybrid monster. Behyak being the hybrid between what seems to be a Spiritomb, Seviper, Scyther, Charizard and Duskull - has a wide variety of attacks. The first I saw was the flaming tail that swung around to burn the Shinx.

Continuing through the battle, I noticed you attempted to make it two-sided; where both the Shinx and Behyak had good hits of their own. To make it a bit more balanced for the electric Pokemon, you added in that Behyak was blind. This was interesting, even if a reason for this was not given. Was he always blind? Was this the reason sacrifices were brought into the cave - so he wouldn't go looking?

Your attacks were well described, but there were not as many attacks as I would have liked. You can use any moves the Pokemon can learn, leading to interesting fight scenes.

Also;

Quote:
I got up and fired a bolt of lightning toward Behyak.
Although it tells that you launched a lighting attack, which one was it? Spark? Thunderbolt? How did it sound, feel or look? You describe Behyak's attacks well, but often neglect Streaktail. Later on, I noticed he released a Discharge, but you never outright told me that. Make sure your attacks are clear.


Catching:
Without a doubt in my mind, Shinx Captured. For a first story, this was lovely. The unique plot, attention to character detail and interesting battle gave you a little blue lion. Congratulations on your first URPG story. I hope you continue writing. ;D

Last edited by Sequentio; 10-24-2009 at 10:30 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:32 PM
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Default Re: The Destroyer of Worlds

Thanks for grading. Phew. I printed it out so my family could read it.
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