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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 10-17-2009, 08:21 PM
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Default It's a Bug Eat Bug World

"Girafarig, use a Psybeam attack," a voice commanded.

A small, yellow giraffe like creature turned its body. The other half of its body was a different color. Instead of yellow, it was a neat dark brown. Its tail has eyes and a mouth, making it look very disturbing. Out of the tail's mouth came a beam of many vibrant colors. The beam rushed towards Nick's own Pokemon, a red dragonfly with green eyes called Yanma. It hovered in the air with a pair of supersonic wings.

"Yanma, dodge!" Nick cried.

Yanma rose to a higher elevation, and the Psybeam missed.

Nick put one hand on top of his short, dark brown hair and sighed with relief. The beam continued onwards into the wall behind Nick, and in a flash of many colors, there was a hole in the dark wall.

"Now, show them you're Wing Attack!" He told the Yanma.

The little bug Pokemon raced towards the Giraffe Pokemon, wings glowing bright. It flew by Girafarig and its wing slammed into the Pokemon. The yellow creature fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Finally," Nick shouted with glee. "That battle lasted a while." He told his opponent.

"Yes, it was. You defeated my Psychic type Pokemon, with a team of Bugs. I've never seen that strategy used in all my life." Jill exclaimed, in a slightly humorous way. Her silky, gray hair reached her shoulders, and her frail, bony hands reached for her pocket. She gracefully pulled out a little pin that resembled a spoon. "You have earned this." She said with a smile on her face.

"Thank you!" Nick said calmly, although Jill could tell he was very excited. His bright blue eyes looked into her light brown ones. "And thank you for the exciting battle. You helped me become a better trainer!" He shouted happily. Moments of the battle were still flourishing in his body, and the adrenaline didn't go away. He had never had a battle this exciting before. And to make things better, he had his own badge now, too. 'The first of eight...' he thought. Nick knew the other seven leaders would be harder to defeat, for Jill was meant to be battled by new trainers.

"Take care!" Jill exclaimed as Nick rushed out the door of the gymnasium. He really wanted to get to the Pokemon Center and let his Pokemon rest. They needed it, for getting a badge was not an easy task for a new trainer such as Nick. He turned around and waved to Jill as her dark skin turned to shadow as he got further and further away.

At the Pokemon Center, Nick had given his Pokeballs to Nurse Aleigha. She was the local nurse in the small town. Her dark brown hair was the same shade of Nick's, but she was much taller than him - almost by a foot. She came out of the checkup room with a tray containing three Pokeballs. "Your Pokemon are fully healed. I suggest you rest for the day and continue on tomorrow." She said in a melodic tune.

"Okay!" Nick took the Pokeballs from Nurse Aleigha. "Thank you." He hooked the small red and white spheres to specialized loops in his belt, specifically made to hold Pokeballs. The young trainer slowly walked up the stairs to the second floor of the Pokemon Center, yawning while doing so. "Oh man, I'm getting tired. I guess I'll hit the hay." He exclaimed. Nick had already rented a room from Nurse Aleigha, and his things had already been placed in it. He closed the plain, wooden door and started undressing. After a while, he was in a pair of dark green pajamas and tucked in his comfy bed. In about three minutes, he was out like a light.

The next morning, Nick was already up and ready to fight. His thirteen year old spirit was like that - he wanted excitement. Being up for half an hour, he had already checked out of the Pokemon Center and dashed out of it and into town. Nick reached into his back pocket and pulled out the map of the region. "Let's see, we're in Ohadi Town, and the next gym is in Nogero City." Nick was very excited. His heart was beating faster than a pipe bomb, or at least it felt that way to him. He ran down the road and onto one of the many paths that lead through the forest and into Nogero City.

It had been about two hours since he left Ohadi Town, and Nick was already exhausted. He had seen many wild Pokemon, but none that interested him. Just the same old Rattata and Pidgey, with the odd Caterpie here and there, but already had Butterfree, the blue butterfly Pokemon, on his team. Yanma flew next to him, in case any other feisty Pokemon wished to challenge Nick. They were about to pass what seemed like the same tree for the fourth time when Yanma heard something. It buzzed off from Nick and headed in the direction of the sound.

"Wait Yanma! You're going too fast for me!" Nick cried. He chased after his Pokemon until he saw what the dragonfly had heard. There, standing in front of them, was a small, green Pokemon with six yellow legs and two red fangs. Its back seemed to have some sort of markings that reminded Nick of a facial expression. It looked tired, as if Nick and Yanma had just woken it up.

"Spin!" It hissed. Nick pulled out his Pokedex, a small, red, handheld computer, which identified the tiny spider Pokemon as Spinarak.

"Another bug! This is great!" Nick yelled. He was extremely happy to have found a bug that wasn't Caterpie.
In a furious rage, the Spinarak shot a small dark ball at Yanma.

"What was that?" Nick asked. He had never seen that move before. "Yanma, are you okay?"

The red Pokemon nodded, implying that the attack didn't do much damage, but it didn't want to have to face another one.

"Alright, then let's show this bugger a Supersonic!" Nick told Yanma.

The dragonfly vibrated its wings at a speed so incredible, that the noise was earsplitting.

Nick covered the sides of his head as he watched what the Spinarak would do. It obviously didn't like the sound, but couldn't escape it. It shrieked in pain until Yanma had finished its attack.

The spider retaliated by shooting more little dark balls at the dragonfly. Nick's Pokedex identified this move as Sludge Bomb, a decent Poison attack with a chance of poisoning the foe. Luckily, Yanma hadn't been poisoned, but was hit by many of the Sludge Bombs.

"Okay Yanma, try a Wing Attack, let's go!" Nick cheered. He really hoped he could defeat the Spinarak.

Yanma rushed towards the green Pokemon with glowing wings, and was about to make contact with the spider, until it shot a web from its mouth and onto Yanma's wings.

Nick knew this move, String Shot, but he didn't know it could have been used for that effect.

The dragonfly fell to the ground, no longer able to fly.

"Okay Yanma, looks like we'll have to give it a Tackle attack! Go!"

The red dragonfly crawled towards the spider with a speed that surprised Nick. He did not know his Yanma could crawl that fast. It rushed into Spinarak, and it crashed into a nearby tree.

The angry spider now rushed towards Yanma, and swiped at the poor Pokemon with its legs.

"Yanma, quick. Return!" Nick held out Yanma's Pokeball and a small, red beam caused Yanma to dematerialize into energy. The ball then absorbed it.

"Come on Butterfree, this guy is almost out! Let's use a Sleep Powder attack!" In a flash of white light, the butterfly was in the air, using its snow white wings to spread a blue powder around the area. The dusty substance landed on Spinarak, and with a breath of air, pulled some of the spores in. With the Sleep Powder in Spinarak's system, it quickly dozed off.

"Yes, now let's see." Nick fiddled around the inside of his backpack until he found it, a small red and white sphere. "Pokeball, go!" Nick yelled in triumph and he tossed the ball in Spinarak's direction. The sphere made contact with the sleeping spider, and Spinarak was absorbed into the ball. The Pokeball wobbled as Spinarak tried to escape, and all Nick and Butterfree could do was watch. It was either more battling, or a new addition to his team of insect Pokemon.

Going For; Spinarak
Required Characters; 5,000 - 10,000
Actual Characters; 6,414 (No Spaces), 8,110 (Spaces)
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Old 12-19-2009, 07:10 PM
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Default Re: It's a Bug Eat Bug World

D: [/slaps self on wrist] Yeah, the amount of time it took me to find the opportunity to finish this… was pathetic. More than pathetic, considering that I wrote the beginning of this note last month. EMBREON/GALLEON, YOU SHOULD GLARE MENACINGLY AT ME DURING WAGES. Although my attempt at not swamping newbie URPGers may have been a success, the length of time it took = fail.

Introduction: It’s functionable. Probably not the most original Pokémon-related intro to strike the pages, but it still works—everyone loves a good battle, and opening with a line that promises one will pull in a reader, simply because they want to know who gets knocked out first. In a shorter work like this, a battle hook—although not, perhaps, the most earth-shattering concept—does its job. So. Pass. Keep in mind, for future works that have more length and substance to them, that you’ll probably find yourself needing something with a bit more zing; this is effective, yes, but not the most effective. For your first story, nice job, because you did manage to interest me.

Plot: This was… standard. It’s your first URPG fic, and it’s only for a simple ‘Mon, so it’s fine, but, as a general rule, trainer fights a battle then wanders into woods and captures wild Pokémon is an automatic “no” for a plot, unless it’s so twisted by quirks that it’s unrecognizable (in which case it… wouldn’t be trainer-woods-Pokémon). Even for the trainer-woods-Pokémon, it was rather twist-less—although your battles were nice, so :).

Watch yourself here, and perhaps put some more effort into conceiving a more intriguing plot. You did quite well on giving me a picture into your character and his situation; that situation, however, is what lacked a certain gravity of “wow, I’ve never seen this before.” There was nothing particularly eye-popping about your character—his personality, his situation, his goals… all were pretty much cookie-cutter Pokémon fic stuff. As I said, that works for something this short, especially as it’s your first, but try to put some more thought into your future works.

Grammar: For the most part, your grammar was fine. All you need to watch out for is dialogue tagging/a few things with comma usage (although you did confuse “your”/ownership form of you and “you’re”/you are once or twice). These are all pretty common mistakes.

A quick guide to dialogue tags:

“That fish just ate your foot,” said Hobbes.
“That fish just ate your foot!” said Hobbes.
“That fish just ate your foot?” asked Hobbes.
“That fish just ate your foot,” Hobbes said, not appearing to actually care. (dialogue tag + subordinate clause with description) → “The fish just ate your foot.” Hobbes didn’t seem to care. (no tag, entirely separate sentence with description)

The basic rules: If you’re following dialogue up with a s/he said, you never use a period. EVUR. Exclamation points and question marks are fine, but the comma is what you’re going to want to use the majority of the time. This is the reason for the next rule, which is that you don’t capitalize the first letter of the dialogue tag (unless said first word is a proper noun). The previous sentence is continued, not ended, so no new capital letter is necessary. This don’t-capitalize rule even applies when using exclamation points or question marks.

In short…

"Spin!" It hissed.
would actually be…

“Spin!” it hissed.

“Spin,” it hissed.
Your grammar is a lot better than that of many. There’re some flow/sentence structure things (mostly related to comma use), but when you start to sort out the more technical grammatical functions that I’ve mentioned, some of the more nuanced conventions will start working themselves out. Just focus on the stuff I dealt with. Good job here. :D

Details: You had a nice balance of description methods, and look like you know where to place description. As a writer, you’ve got a nice start on forming strong imagery and description. I’d like to help you strengthen what you’ve got, really, because you’re efficiently leading into building up strong descriptive methods.

There, standing in front of them, was a small, green Pokemon with six yellow legs and two red fangs.
This passage highlights both your strengths and weaknesses in description. As I said, you have a good basic idea of what can be described and where to describe it. The description itself gives a picture, especially as a later bit mentions that Spinarak is spider-shaped.

However, this picture is pretty… vague. I mean, think about it. If I told you that my sister was purple, would you be able to form a mental image of her? That’s the first thing, really. Color, in and of itself, is probably one of the most useless descriptive methods in existence. Words like “green,” “yellow,” and “red” don’t really even give me a shade mental image. Green as an evergreen in the summer? Green as semi-dead grass? Green as vomit floating in the porcelain depths of a toilet bowl? There is nothing wrong with using color imagery; just be careful with it, and try to give it a more specific form in the reader’s head. Watch adjectives, really—“small” could mean “small as a breadbox” or “small as the dead mouse under my bed.”

Next up would be the “legs and fangs” bits. I, being the sort of horrible type that I am, immediately get this mental image of this massive, hairy spider with gnarled, sickly-looking yellow legs and huge fangs glistening with venom and dried blood. ...But Spinarak is actually really cute, and not scary in the least. As a writer, it’s your job to give specifics in details that paint the picture you want the reader to see. With the details you have here, I don’t know what you want me to see. Let’s say you want me to think it’s cute (which I would argue that it is). You could say that Spinarak is, perhaps, so small that it seems nearly impossible that it’d want to harm someone. Or maybe mention that those fangs are rather benign and stunted-looking—not threatening in the least. Of course, Spinarak also has this adorable face pattern on its back, so you could mention that. Obviously, you don’t want to give too many specifics, as that bogs down the writing—but if you’re going to describe something, describe it as efficiently as possible.

Overall, you did a pretty darned decent job for a first story, and I can definitely see that you’ll be capable of producing some strong writing after more honing of your skills.

Battle: There was quite a nice attack pattern in both of your battles; there’s not much to say here, really, because the majority of your improvement in battles is more going to come through making them more relevant to a grander scheme of plot (rather than making them the plot) and adding some stronger description.

When the Spinarak and Yanma collide and crash into a tree? Tell me that splinters flew everywhere, or that the tree kinda groaned with the impact—it’ll make the reader clue into the battle a bit more. Same goes for pretty much all of the actions occurring in the battle. More description, stronger description, stronger images…. I’d recommend that that should be your main focus for writing URPG battles, at this point.

Length: All good.

Verdict: I’m going to give you the Spinarak capture. This piece has a lot of the weaknesses in style and concept that come with being a newer writer, but you’ve also shown that you put some effort into the writing process—even considering the “standard-ness” of the plot, there was work apparent in the writing. Your main concern for writing in URPG in the future is going to be coming up with something a little more original, plot-wise, and further honing the basis of your descriptive technique. Were this not a first story, I believe I might have been a bit more hesitant to hand out the Spinarak, simply because of the plot.

EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 12-19-2009 at 07:24 PM.
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