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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-26-2009, 02:24 AM
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Default Rayne, Rayne, Go Away (Ready for ReGrade)

Title; Rayne, Rayne, Go Away
Pokemon; Kirlia,
Character Range; 20k-30k (Hard)
Characters; 32,148 (no spaces)
39,595 (spaces)

---
This story is a crossover of The Hunger Games by Suzzanne Collins and Pokemon. I have no rights reserved other then my human characters. This is also my second story
---
There are many confusing aspects that I had to include in this story. It was really hard to describe some parts of it so here is a little mini dictionary for whoever reads/grades this

Tribute- a human who is taking part in the Hunger Games
Career- a tribute from District 1, 2 or 4. These Districts are considered the richest and the tributes from there are generally faster, stronger and smarter then any other District.
District- a large area in the country of Panem that looks to the Capitol as their government. Most Districts have a 'speciality', like factories(8) or mining(12)
Sponser- The people in the Districts that are usually wealthy and buy things to give the the tribute of their choice.
---
Warning;; blood, violence and death. May be a chapter story one day, so watch out. This is also written from the veiw of which I think Pokemon are like. Just like humans, Pokemon have the ability to murder. And they can do so more easily then humans due to their moves.
So yes, I believe that Magical Leaf can kill.
__________________

Paired with my love, the incredibly awesome and amazingly fantastic Shock <3
Black and White Teams


Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-25-2009 at 02:45 AM.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:24 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

Act One;

“Rayne, Rayne, go away~” A singsong voice cooed from the treetops, followed by two short laughs as I turned quickly, looking for the exact source of the sound. “Come again another day.”

“Kirlia!” The short green and white Pokemon called, pointing with one of his arms towards the tallest of the surrounding trees. “Kir! Kir!”

I turned to face my attacker, meeting the eyes of a slender girl with long brown hair, the color of tree bark, hair and a slender cream and blue Pokemon with flames on its back, a Quilava. I recognize the girl, her name is Myddie. Or maybe Maddie. Either way, she had definitely stood out before the Games. Her score is one of the highest, a total of 10/12 points. No one knows her specialty, not even the other tribute in District Two. But what is she doing here? Shouldn’t she be with the other Careers, the tributes of Districts One, Two, and Four? She must be a loner, I thought bitterly. Like me.

Tributes, those forced to partake in the horrendous games of the people that are supposed to protect us. It was over a hundred years ago when they decided that The Hunger Games was something to invest in. After the revolt of District Thirteen, the one that now lies in ashes and ruins. This is our punishment. A Game that killed twenty-three kids a year, leaving one as the sole survivor. This is my time in the arena, and I wanted to make a difference.

Careers are the ones you want to look out for. From the richest of the twelve districts came the Careers. Trained just for this occasion, seasoned with knowledge that the rest of us could never have access to. Districts One, Two and Four were the richest and the most favored of Capitol.

The Capitol; the ones who controlled us and would do anything to keep us in line. Even I, seventeen year old Rayne Wiress, didn’t understand exactly how it worked. I just knew that they could destroy us easily and they planned to if we didn’t compete in their Games.

The Hunger Games, a cruel torturing device used by the Capitol to control its surrounding districts. Twenty-four kids, two from each of the remaining districts, compete in a fight to the death. One will survive. It is a game, they told us. But I knew what they are telling us. ‘Look how we take your children and make them fight. Go out of line, and the same will happen to you.’

“Good job giving away your location,” I replied curtly, glaring at the girl. She throws her head back and laughs manically. I took a hesitant step back. She is going insane, or maybe already there, and it is only the second week of the Games.

“I meant to,” she chuckled, her hands gripping tighter on a thin and long stick. Quilava snorted, sending puffs of smoke out of its nostrils like a Torkoal. I glanced at Kirlia, my partner for these games. He is glaring at the Volcano Pokemon, eyes squinted and hands clenched. “Quilava, sweetie,” Myddie/Maddie said quietly but just loud enough for me to hear, “aim a dazzling Flamethrower at those…” she paused, adding effect, “things.”

I took yet another step back, hand on the cylinder at my side. By pressing a single button I can be protected from one attack with a shield fastened from an Aggron’s plates. But only once before it would break. My other hand goes to my knife.

Kirlia raises his arm at the pair, shaking it angrily as he yells at them in Pokemon speak.

“Calm down,” I snap quietly, placing a hand on the Psychic Pokemon’s thin shoulder. Quilava is preparing his fiery blast, almost ready to aim at us. “When I say now, use Magical Leaf at the girl. Keep using it until she falls. She doesn’t have to die. And do it quickly.” I keep my voice low and quiet, praying that my enemy won’t hear.

“Rayne, you’re talking too quietly. Speak up,” the girl said, her dark eyes showing both fear and anticipation as Quilava readied his attack. For my death, no doubt.

“Why would I ever want to talk to you,” I replied, trying to keep calm. I don’t want this tribute to see my fear.

“But you’re talking right now,” she says, twirling her hair innocently. “You’re out of your comfort zone, aren’t you? You’re used to factories, not all these trees and dirt.”

“And you’re used to soft pillows and people waiting on you every day,” I retort, motioning with my hand to Kirlia. He took the hint.

A colorful array of leaves began to appear, falling lightly from the air onto Kirlia before firing themselves at Myddie/Maddie with brutal torrent. Each one hit her, creating deep cuts on her face, arms and chest. Her Quilava let out an anguished cry, shooting bursts of fire at each leaf. But the leaves kept coming, cutting easily through the fire. Quilava’s fire had been weakened by something, and looking at it more closely made me see that there were still the sparks from being paralyzed. Slowly the girl’s clothes began to fall off, revealing more cuts from the magical, razor sharp leaves. Dark blood flowed down her face and arms, leaving none of her pale skin exposed. I almost gagged.

“Come on!” I shouted, taking a few steps back, waiting for Kirlia to finish his last batch of leaves. He hurries after me, not even looking back as the Quilava shoot flames at Kirlia. “Use Teleport!”

I grabbed his hand just as he disappeared into nothing. It is a weird feeling, being between nothing and nothing, not here and not there. But it is soon over and I am back on the damp ground, far away from District 2’s female tribute. But I wasn’t too far away to hear the cannons go off.

The cannons were a sign that someone had perished, normally in the most brutal of ways. It is all a part of their Game.

In our world, we have a Capitol and twelve Districts surrounding it. Districts One, Two and Four made the most money and were considered the Capitol’s favorites. Districts Eleven and Twelve had people dying daily from hunger and accidents. The rest of the Districts had to make due the best they could.

They took two kids between the ages of twelve and eighteen from each district, making a total of twenty-four kids. Put them in one arena and tell them that only one can win. One can survive. Each kid, known as tributes, is paired with a Pokemon, either the first evolution of two evolution lines or the second of three. Both the kid and Pokemon were given a chip that, when one of their lives ended, the others would end as well. The kid that won would always be paired with that Pokemon. Apparently Pokeballs gets rid of the chip somehow, but the past winners are too scared to even try.

That’s how I met Kirlia. The most stubborn of any Pokemon I’ve ever met. But I like him; he’s nice and doesn’t give up. He’s a Psychic type, which isn’t that new considering the fact that I am from District Eight, home of factories. Many Electric, Steel and Psychic types can be found around the factories and everyone that works with machines has those types. My brother had a Raichu, which helped around the house when we couldn’t afford electricity. My father’s Grumpig helped him build machines with her Psychic powers.

So far, in the Games, there are fourteen kids left; fifteen including me.

Myddie/Maddie is dead, plus both tributes from Districts Seven and Nine. The twelve year old from District Twelve is dead as well as a thirteen year old from District Six. Plus three more that I couldn’t remember. Not everyone is that memorable before the Games had begun. Only those with the fiercest faces or the highest scores.

Kirlia shook me out of my thoughts, using his two hands to pull on my loose black shirt. He pointed with his head at the deeper woods, still dripping from the rainstorm we had the previous night.

“Yes, getting out of here is a good idea,” I mumbled, reaching out to grab Kirlia’s. “Here, climb on my back.”

The Pokemon looks exhausted, beads of sweat drifting down his forehead and pale green hat-thing. Teleporting any amount of distance took all energy out of Kirlia, leaving me to get us both to safety. Kirlia hesitantly crawls on my back, as if he still didn’t trust me 100% after the few weeks that we’ve been here. Yet he still wraps his skinny white arms around my neck and allows me to do the rest.

I ran through the thick forests and into the lighter forests, mud squishing under my simple brown shoes. Trees are spaced more apart and are filled with different berries, from the palm-sized, deep blue Oran berries to the much larger and lighter blue Yache berries. It is the perfect place to go if you are hurt, injured or if you just need a quiet place to rest. A few other tributes came her looking for food, but they ignored me completely, leaving me to my snacks and meals. It is also helpful when you were in need of something to cure poison or paralysis. Cheri Berries cured paralysis for Pokemon and infection for humans. Rawst berries cured burns for both of us. But Pecha is the most helpful of the berries, as they cured the poison that the Wiki berries had been ingested with before the Games, something that the Capitol found funny. Kirlia had been poisoned twice before we realized that the berries had caused it. Plus the soft pink berries were super sweet, which made both me and Kirlia happy and content with living off of them.

After only five minutes of running, we come across our own little hideout. Well hidden on the side of a dusty brown cliff, under the fallen rocks and decaying branches. Only a Pokemon knowing the move Psychic or one that is very strong physically, could get to it easily. Luckily, Kirlia knew Psychic. Under the large log, one that still had its green leaves growing on some of its branches, is a hole that leads to what could have been an old wine cellar but is big enough for at least three people to lie down and fall asleep. The walls are cold and covered in a layer of dust and there is no furniture, but it is a good place to lie down and rest for a while.

I set Kirlia on the ground, telling him quietly to use Psychic to lift the log. He obliged, weakly lifting the log a few feet above the ground, allowing me to slip into the dark cellar. Kirlia followed slowly, making sure he didn’t drop the log. Once inside he set it down gently, careful not to make any noise that would cause someone—or something—to hear us and find our hiding place.

In the back of the cellar is an old sweatshirt, something that I had been wearing at first. It is warm, but Kirlia and I decide that it is better to put edible berries in it instead. I walked over to it, unwrapped the blue sleeves and took out a couple of Oran berries that we had picked the day before, when it is still sunny and nice out instead of the gloom that now hung in the air.

I didn’t need to tell him to eat them. He just took one of the deep blue berries and devoured it, smearing a lighter blue juice around his mouth. I laughed.

“Do you think we need more food?” I asked, kneeling down in the dark of the room. “Hey, a little light, Kirlia?”

I am so thankful that I had received the TM Thunderbolt at the beginning of the Games. Kirlia shot a weak bolt at the pile of wood we had collected earlier, causing the sticks to catch fire and fill the cellar with a dim light. “Kirlia,” the Psychic type replied, kneeling down besides me and organizing the berries.

“Kir kir, Kirlia,” he said, pointing at the few Pecha berries we had left. I grinned.

“You really like sweets, don’t you?” I ask playfully, handing him one of them. “We should get more of those. And we have four Oran berries left, so we should collect some more of those. You know how helpful they are.”

Kirlia rolled his eyes. He hated the Oran berry flavor, though only because of its lack of the sweet flavor.

“I know, I know,” I replied, shaking my head slightly. “Oh, and I thought I saw some Mago Berries around where that District 2 tribute was…”

Kirlia looked away, as if he is uncomfortable with the issue of killing others. “Kir, kir,” he said weakly, lying down on the ground.

I smiled sadly, sitting against one of the walls. “Get some rest, I’ll watch,” I told him quietly, humming a soft melody that my father had once taught me. It was long until Kirlia is snoring lightly, fast asleep in the dim cellar.
__________________

Paired with my love, the incredibly awesome and amazingly fantastic Shock <3
Black and White Teams


Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-25-2009 at 02:39 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-26-2009, 02:29 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

Act Two;

The morning starts with a loud caw that could only come from a Murkrow. I shot up from my spot on the stone ground, joining Kirlia at a small lookout hole we had created previously in case of intruders. But instead of seeing another tribute all I can see is a smaller than normal Murkrow, pecking at the Rawst berries in a nearby tree. As the jade green berries hit the ground, the Murkrow picks them up, placing them on a cloth which he then starts to fold up.

“Kirlia!” my partner whispers, his eyes still on the Murkrow.

I frowned, moving away from the peephole and looking at Kirlia skeptically. “Do you want to kidnap that Pokemon or something?” I asked. It is obvious that Murkrow is the partner to one of the other tributes. Who, I couldn’t remember.

Kirlia shook his head, rolling his eyes under his pale green bangs. “Kir, kir,” he replied, jabbing his arm sharply at the vantage point again.

“You want to… kill it…” My voice is quiet, showing my hesitancy to kill.

My only response is a short nod as Kirlia continued to stare out at the Dark type. There is something in his eyes, something that made me scared.

I sighed. “Then… well, try to use a Thunderbolt from the peephole. If it hits, then we can show ourselves,” I said, watching the Emotion Pokemon closely.

Kirlia readied himself, taking a few steps backwards before the yellow light engulfed him. It shot out of Kirlia’s hands, which were aimed at the key hole. The yellow light shot out, slightly enlarging the hole as well as filling the cellar with light.

“Hey! Ow!” A voice cried, sounding almost terrified. I took a deep breath, waiting for another cry or scream. However, I heard voices. Two, to be exact. One a Pokemon’s voice, sounding far more female than anything else. The other a male’s, a voice I recognized way to well.

Ara-Jay is from District Twelve and is one of the only people that stood out as a serious threat to me before the Games begun. He is tall, muscular from working the coal mines and had the look of a miner. Cold, determined and serious. He has dark eyes, the color of a stormy night. His hair is black, shining like a Murkrow’s feather in the dim, speckled sunlight. He is the serious and mature type and very determined. He rarely even smiled. Ara-Jay and I had joined each other at various points before the games, like learning how to make traps from ropes and how to shoot arrows from bows.

He is jumping up and down in pain. He is holding his foot, which is most likely where the Thunderbolt had hit him. After just a few hops he settled down, leaning against one of Oran Trees.

Besides him stood a Mawile, her and her slight figure. Mawile holds her head high, despite the vicious jaws that hung from a small cap on her head. She is holding onto Ara-Jay’s pant leg, glaring at our little peep hole.

Too much of my surprise, Ara-Jay just shook his head, taking a deep breath and stood there, eyes either on the vantage point or a little above, I couldn’t quite tell.

Kirlia pushes me out of the way, staring out at Ara-Jay and his Mawile. He composes himself as well, his hands sparkling with the beginning of a powerful Thunderbolt. I smacked his head gently. “Stop it!” I told him through gritted teeth, as quietly as I could.

Kirlia glares at me but took a step back, waiting for me to explain myself. The sparks surrounding his hands broke off, hitting the floor and the walls and dissolving quickly. I walk carefully and slowly to the back of the old wine cellar. The Emotion Pokemon follows me.

“Let’s wait and see what he does, okay?” I tell him, taking one of our last Oran berries. “Just wait it out. Maybe… if he’s friendly or is willing to help us, we can team up with him, you know?” Truth is, I just don’t want to be the one to kill him. He is nice, despite his serious outlook on life and cold demeanor. He looks after me from the ruder tributes in the game; despite he is only one year older than me. Maybe it is because he is six foot three and I am only five foot eight. Maybe it is because I am smart, but not fight smart.

Kirlia just nods, prancing over to the peep hole again and watching him.

We waited. And we waited some more. It was maybe hours that we waited, taking turns sleeping and watching the District Twelve tributes. Frequently, Mawile would tug on Ara-Jay’s pant leg and point angrily at the log. And just as frequently, Ara-Jay would snap at Mawile for being impatient. You wouldn’t think that someone that big and that scary looking would be able to wait for so long for something that might not even be there.

I didn’t notice my growing hunger until I saw Kirlia eat the last of our berries, one of the few Cheri berries that we had found a while ago. My stomach growls loudly and I immediately wrap my arms around my waist in an attempt to quiet its rumbling. Kirlia grinned, rolling his pink eyes at me. I could almost imagine his words, as I often have. You should have collected more. I sigh. “We’ll get some more as soon as he leaves,” I whisper to him. Kirlia rolled his eyes again, pushing me out of the way and towards the corner. I got his point. I needed sleep.

I nod blankly, gathering up my sweatshirt and laying my head on my makeshift pillow, waiting for dreams to take over for the first time since the Hunger Games had begun.

Sleep came quickly and the dreams shortly after that. But these weren’t the dreams I wanted to have, the dreams of before this torturous game had begun, with me and my family when life was peaceful, for the most part.

Deaths of good friends haunted my unconsious vision. I watch spears pierce their hearts thousands of times before the scenes changed to bloody battlefields where those I once knew lay, dead, as their children walked idly around them, many of which with tear-stained faces. Each dream got worse and I finally realized that they weren’t dreams at all—they were nightmares.

The worst kind of nightmares.

And even though the nightmares are horrible and vile as I watch those I care most about perish, the one that hurt me the most is the death of someone that I both knew everything about yet nothing at all. Kirlia was my partner and we were stuck together, no matter how much we hated each other. Things had worked out for the both of us. We got along fine and I could normally figure out what he was trying to tell me. Yet what was he like before the Games had begun? Was he a part of a family, with siblings and parents? Had he been educated in battle by a breeder or a trainer, or maybe even one of the Elite Four? No matter how much I still had to learn about him or had learned from the week or so we had been here, watching him was the worst of all.

The first time he is lying on a bed of leaves and old pieces of clothing; his eyes squinted and sweat rolling down his white face. He looks like he has been poisoned and is slowly dying from it. I felt my hands take over for me, dabbing the beads of sweat on Kirlia’s forehead with a wet cloth. Someone in the corner hands me a plastic cup full of water and I place it to Kirlia’s parted lips. My new companion says something to me which I respond quickly to. I couldn’t make out the words or the person who is helping us, but I am grateful for their support.

The scene slowly changes to one more gruesome, one that makes bile rise in my throat. It is quite simple and much more effective than the poison. White hot flames spread around Kirlia like a wild fire, engulfing the Emotion Pokemon in a death that not even all of his physic powers could save him from. I watch as his skin burns, leaving nothing but a hollow-boned skeleton.

I wasn’t sure if I had screamed out loud or if it was just in my hellish nightmare. Either way I wake up to the dark cellar, walls towering over me eerily, shaking violently. “Kirlia?” I ask softly, my eyes unable to see my partner Pokemon as they readjust to the faint light of the fire.

“Kirlia?” He is right next to me, making me jump at his voice. I don’t want to worry him, so I reply with a seemingly innocent question.

“Is Ara-Jay still out there?” I ask softly, keeping my voice a mere whisper. Kirlia nods. I sigh.

“Do you think we should… approach him…? Talk to him…?” I ask again, trying to meet his eyes. He was acting a bit strange, not looking at me. Instead of answering, he takes my hand in his hand-like grasp and pulls me to our vantage point. I peer outside, seeing the same old scene that I have been looking at for the last day. Nothing has changed.

“What?” I ask Kirlia again, pulling back from the small hole. “Nothing has changed.”

Kirlia rolls his eyes at me, pointing at our peep hole again, but with more ferocity. I looked out again, surveying the land. Ara-Jay was standing up now, his cold eyes not on the log that hid our cellar, but on something else.

It is long and not very tall, maybe five inches at best. It is wrapped in silver paper that throws the lights of the sun at me. I blink and try to figure out what it is.

A package.

From the people back home that thought either me or Ara-Jay will win this game.

They are called our sponsors, the people who truly believe we have a chance of surviving this cruel game. They have the ability, if they have the money, to buy anything that we tributes need and send it to us via silver packages.

Ara-Jay is staring at it and I knew what he was thinking. Is it for him or for us? I guess we are about to find out.

“Kirlia, use Psychic to lift the log. It’s finally time to talk to Ara-Jay and Mawile,” I tell him, brushing my light brown hair out of my face. My hair felt greasy under my fingers, reminding me to bathe as soon as the chance brings itself to me.

Kirlia nods, holding up his two white arms. The dim purple light surrounds the log again, dislodging leaves and small rocks as Kirlia lifts it into the air, allowing me to climb out quickly.

I refuse to look at Ara-Jay or Mawile, even though I could feel both of their eyes on me. Looking closer at the pair, it was easy to see that they were… there isn’t a great way to put this. Plump? Not all skin and bones like Myddie was, but with a thin layer of fat that could only be obtained by eating correctly. I narrowed my eyes jealously.

Kirlia hops out from the hole in the cellar ceiling and stares at the teen and Pokemon from District Twelve. He looks like he is about to speak, when Mawile opens her mouth and starts screaming at Kirlia and I.

“Mawile! Maw! Ile!” she barks, tossing her arms in a very violent manner as her extra pair of jaws bounces up and down on her head. It looks like she is talking to me.

“Quiet!” Ara-Jay barks back, glaring at his own partner. Mawile shuts up quickly, turning to face away from me and Kirlia as well as Ara-Jay. Of course, her extra jaws and the cream-yellow spot on them are staring right at me.

I take a deep breath, opening my mouth to ask him about the silver package, but he beats me to it.

“I guess we should open it, see who’s it for,” he says calmly, walking over to the package, which is only a few feet from me. I stiffen, as well as Kirlia. But he makes no move to attack me or Kirlia, and Mawile just watches from the sidelines. Ara-Jay kneels down on the wet grass, unwrapping the silver wrapping gently, careful not to damage what valuable goods might be inside of it.

I watched as he lifted the top off the long box, revealing a beautiful and delicious, five-course meal. A mouth-watering dish of turkey, dipped in some strange sauce. Deviled eggs with red spices and next to it were four ripe golden apples. There is even an unopened packet of fancy crackers, complete with a cheese that had the same rich smell of mozzarella.

“Any idea who this is for?” Ara-Jay asks me, standing up. He left the meal on the ground. Mawile finally joins our little group, leaning in to smell the delectable scents. Kirlia slid in front of me at Mawile’s approach, trying to guard me from the steel-type and her nasty jaws.

I ignored both of the Pokemon and Ara-Jay as I knelled down besides the tray of food, looking for any sort of indicator that could tell me who it is for. Turkey, eggs, apples and mozzarella. I’m not sure if I grinned or frowned when the four apples caught my attention. I stood back up, straightening so I could look Ara-Jay in the eyes. “It’s for all of us.”

Ara-Jay’s bored expression didn’t change that much, just the curving of his lips upwards in a smile. Mawile made a sound of outrage, lunging for me. Kirlia stopped her with a Psychic, glaring at the female Mawile. Ara-Jay shot a hostile glance at the black and gold Pokemon.

“What makes you say that, Rayne?” he asked. I blinked, surprised that he remembered by name.

“Ah… it’s pretty simple, if you ask me. Four apples is the dead-giveaway,” I replied, knocking Kirlia on the head. He let out an annoyed cry and cutoff his Psychic attack on the pure Steel Pokemon. “But the first hint is the order of the food. Turkey, eggs, apples and mozzarella cheese. T, E, A, and M. Team. Whoever sent this wants us four to work as a team.”

I stopped my rambling, looking up to meet Ara-Jay in the eyes. His cold, haunting eyes. “But I’m guessing that might be why you’re here.” And why you remembered my name, I added.

“Yes, that’s correct. Out of all the tributes this time around, you seemed to be the best for a partner. Besides, I already know we get along,” the District Twelve tribute responded, smiling shrewdly. “So what do you say?”

Mawile made her point by punching Ara-Jay on the leg. She didn’t even look at me or Kirlia. I, however, did turn to Kirlia. The green and white Pokemon just shrugged as if he honestly didn’t care. I could almost hear his response to this. ‘You seem to trust him, so I’ll give it a shot as well.’ I smiled warmly at my Pokemon Partner, nodding to him before turning to tell Ara-Jay our decision.
__________________

Paired with my love, the incredibly awesome and amazingly fantastic Shock <3
Black and White Teams


Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-25-2009 at 02:39 AM.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:30 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

Act Two cont;

“We’ll join you, Ara-Jay of the Mining District. But I’m afraid we don’t have that much to offer,” I said, sounding a bit sheepish. Honestly, it made a lot more sense now, the fact that he and Mawile weren’t all that skinny. The people of District Twelve were used to getting little food. The food that Ara-Jay and Mawile had been able to get their hands/paws on is definitely more than what they got on a regular basis.

“And we are honored to have you on your team, Rayne of the Factory District,” Ara-Jay replied, trying to mimic my voice but sounding much more sincere. “And don’t be silly. You and Kirlia have that hideout of yours. And we have food, besides the kind we just got. Fair trade, if you ask me.”

Kirlia raised an eye at the word ‘trade’. He raised a hand angrily at the eighteen year old, shaking it as he spat at him. Ara-Jay raised his hands into a surrendering position.

“Sorry, Kirlia,” he said in an embarrassed tone. “I didn’t mean trade. I’m not going to rob you two of your home.”

Kirlia nodded, seeming to accept the dark-toned teen’s answer. “It’s not much of a home, more of a cell, but you’re welcome to it,” I informed Ara-Jay before turning to Mawile and holding out my hand to the steel-furred Pokemon. “It’s nice to be a part of your team, Mawile.”

The Deceiver Pokemon glared at me for a moment before taking my hand gingerly in her paw and shaking it two. I smiled.

Ara-Jay and Kirlia didn’t copy us girls, but they did meet each other’s eyes and
nodded once, something that I had learned over the years meant that two boys respected each other. I sighed. “How about we take our meal into the cellar, then?” I suggested.

Kirlia nodded, using his Psychic to lift the log again. Mawile hurried inside, her fur-like skin making screechy noises against the stone as she landed on the ground. I leaned down to pick up one side of the box. Ara-Jay picked up the other, easing his way into the cellar while carrying most of our meal’s weight. I noticed that he also wore a small backpack. I hoped it is filled with Pecha berries.

We ate our meal quickly, devouring the turkey and deviled eggs like starving Mightyena. We saved most of the crackers for later, as well as two of our four apples. Kirlia and I split one of them while Ara-Jay and Mawile split the other. According to Ara-Jay, the turkey had been caught in District Twelve while the apples picked from trees in the neighboring District Eleven. He told us he knew that because of their ripe, golden color. The apples in all of the other districts ranged between deep reds to pale greens; only the apples from District Eleven were that golden yellow color. We mostly talked, down in that little cellar of ours. We talked about our favorite Pokemon types and moves, our favorite foods, even what our life was like back home.

Kirlia and Mawile never got past their hostility, but Kirlia and Ara-Jay became as close as you can come to friends in this place. Kirlia showed Ara-Jay many of his moves, from the Magical Leaf that killed the District Two tribute, whose name I now knew was Myddie, not Maddie, to the TMs that I had found early on in the Games. I mostly slept during these times while Mawile watched Kirlia shot Shadow Balls and Thunderbolts to impress Ara-Jay.

Our peace lasted only a few days and ended when we finally started to talk about what had happened in the Games previously. We were sitting outside of our makeshift home, simply enjoying the nice weather and peace. Kirlia is using Magical Leaf to cut some of the ripe Oran berries off of the tree. Somehow, I said the stupidest thing in my life.

“Magical Leaf is really helpful, you know. The leaves are so sharp they can pierce skin.”

Ara-Jay just stared at me with his haunting, dark gaze. “How do you know this, Rayne?” he asked.

“Uh, I… um, well,” I stammered, none of my words making sense. “It’s just… I killed Myddie.”

“Then why are you looking so upset about it? That’s how you win,” he said bluntly, hesitantly resting his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off.

“Don’t be so cool about that, Ara-Jay! I… I took someone’s life. She had friends back home, family. Maybe even someone that she truly cared about. And I took her away from all those people…” I replied, snapping at him. Kirlia turned to look at us, frowning. Luckily Mawile is still sleeping in the cellar.

“But you have a life too, Rayne. You can’t let her take that from you,” he informed me, shaking his head angrily. “Fight back with everything you have.”

“Have you killed anyone yet?” I shot back, standing up sharply. Kirlia glared at Ara-Jay, advancing towards us in case he needed to protect me.

Ara-Jay’s face darkened, though it might have been the sudden change in wind forcing a cloud to cover the sun. “That isn’t for you to know,” he replied coldly.

“You know that I’ve killed in cold-blood,” I informed him. “So fess up.”

“It wasn’t in cold-blood. I’m guessing Myddie attacked you first,” he said, shaking his head. “You killed her in self-defense. If anything, that’s the best reason to kill someone.”

“Then why won’t you tell me if you’ve ever killed someone?” I demanded, glaring at him. He stood up.

“I don’t need to tell you,” he said darkly. He straightened his back so that when he looked at me so he towered over me. “There’s nothing to gain from knowing if I’ve killed or not.”

“And there’s nothing to gain if I tell you about my home and family and you tell me about your home and family!” I informed him, trying to look calm by simply crossing my arms. Kirlia copied me, his pinkish hued eyes on Ara-Jay.

“That was just chit-chat, Rayne. Murdering people is serious.” Ara-Jay’s response is short and simple, but gave away more then he wanted to say.

“We weren’t talking about murdering people. Like you said, this is self-defense.”

I could see Ara-Jay take a deep breath. “I know what I meant.”

I took a deep, cleansing breath this time. “So you mean to tell me that you’ve murder--” I am interrupted, of course, by the sudden screeching of a Golbat. I clamped my hands over my ears as the indigo bat screeched louder, most likely aiming for his Supersonic attack at one of us three. Ara-Jay and Kirlia copied me, using their own hands to block the sound.

I looked towards the strange ripple-like waves of sound and saw a young boy following the poison-type Pokemon. His hair is a mess of coarse black and his eyes were like azure. He carried a spear in his hands, and on the top of the white stone is a liquid so rich and violet it looked like it was steaming. Looking at the wound up Golbat and back at the sharp spearhead, I can only imagine what it is.

Golbat let loose another Supersonic attack. The sheer force of the close-range attack caused me, Ara-Jay and Kirlia to step back. I glanced at our cellar home. Kirlia had left the log on the side in case Mawile wanted to come out. It didn’t look like she wanted to; though I am sure she had heard.

“Kirlia! Use Psychic!” I called out, turning sharply to my partner. Kirlia weakly raised his arms to perform the move and he managed to create the light again. However, it engulfed the boy instead of the intended target. I cursed.

“Kirlia! Snap out of it!” I said again. Ara-Jay shook his head. At least the boy is unable to move, though he can easily call out attacks.

“Keep on calling Kirlia! I’ll hold this kid off!” Ara-Jay called to me, drawing the dagger he kept hidden in his clothes. He obviously had the intent to kill him.

The boy tried to laugh, but all we can hear is the sound. “I’m not a kid, you murderer!” he screamed back at him. I froze, taking out my cylindrical shield in case Golbat is called to attack us.

Ara-Jay lunged for the boy instead of the more immediate threat of the purple and blue bat. Golbat promptly turned around to attack Ara-Jay instead and started to flap his wings furiously. A sphere of wind formed before Ara-Jay before Golbat shot it at the District 12 tribute. Ara-Jay is catapulted backwards with a loud thud.

I turned to Kirlia again, who is now spinning vacantly like a ballerina, his attack on the boy lost in the action. The blue-eyed kid is just now standing up, his hand still gripping the spear tightly, ready to charge. “Kirlia! Come on, we need you! Please!”

My calls seemed to be getting to my partner as he stopped spinning and now stood almost completely still though his arms still swayed back and forth. “Kirlia! Please, Kirlia! SNAP OUT OF IT!”

Kirlia’s eyes suddenly refocus and he shakes his head. “Kir… lia?” he replies weakly. He looks up at me, a smile cracking on his face.

“Oh thank goodness,” I breathe, turning my attention to the boy, Golbat and Ara-Jay. From behind me I can hear that Mawile is climbing out of the old wine cellar. “Kirlia, use Thunderbolt on Golbat!”

My partner gave a curt nod, eyes now intent on the enemy. Yellow light swallows Kirlia again and shoots like a stream of bullets, all connected, from his hand, hitting Golbat square in the torso, or mouth, perhaps. Either way, Golbat got a nice serving electricity. It sends him flying backwards, hitting a dark brown Oran tree. The tree shakes from the impact.

From the corner of my eye, I see the boy race towards Ara-Jay, spear ready for the kill. Ara-Jay dodges like pro, which he might as well have been. Dagger drawn, he deflects the spear with ease. Despite Ara-Jay’s efforts, poisonous jabs from the boy’s end come dangerously close. I decide it was time to intervene.

Golbat is still dazed from the Thunderbolt, so I turn once more to Kirlia for help. “Psychic on that boy! Make sure to keep him away from Ara-Jay!” I told him.

Kirlia nods, raising his arms to perform his favored move. Before Kirlia can use his power to overwhelm him, the young boy barks out a single command that Golbat follows through with quick precision. Kirlia looses focus the moment Golbat opened his mouth and Haze pours from it, curling itself around the trees and grass, as well as everyone and everything else in that area.

I cough as the Haze seeps inside my mouth. I looked around, but now everything is covered by the smoky fog. “Kirlia?! Can you get to Golbat!?” I call out, unaware of where the Psychic-type has gone.

Kirlia grabs my wrist, startling me. “Kirlia,” he replies quietly. I don’t need to see him shake his head to know that my answer is ‘no’.

“Ara-Jay! Can you hear me?” I call out, louder. My only feedback this time is a jumbled up moan. The male Golbat lets loose another Supersonic, forcing an angry shriek from Mawile. “Mawile! Protect Ara-Jay!” I command, praying she would listen.

I don’t need to see the steel type to know that she is angry at me for telling her what to do. But I know her well enough to know that she will help her partner in these horrific games. I turn back to Kirlia, hoping to see that purple glow of his eyes that means he has the upper hand in the battle now. I wanted to use Magical Leaf or Thunderbolt to attack the mop-headed boy and his Golbat, but Kirlia can easily miss and hit one of our friends instead, at least with Thunderbolt.

“Come on Kirlia, we need to get rid of this Haze!” I call out, grasping his hand again. A sudden blast of what fells like a thousand knives hitting my chest propels me backwards, forcing me to let go of Kirlia’s hand. In a faint, hazy outline I could see Kirlia a few feet away from me. The even hazier shape of Golbat was flapping his wings just inches from Kirlia.

I wasn’t sure what had happened, but they next thing I knew the Haze had been blown away. Ara-Jay was kneeling besides me, one hand on my shoulder and the other on his opposite arm. I can see that it is bleeding, though luckily there isn’t much blood coming from the wound caused by Golbat’s Air Slash. Mawile was on Ara-Jay’s opposite side, her small hands on the boy’s arm. Her maroon colored eyes are fixated on a shape that was still obscured by the retreating fog.

I jolt upwards from where I have apparently been lying on the ground. “Kirlia?” I call softly.

No answer. I can see the boy, who looked about sixteen or fifteen when he isn’t angry. Instead he looked… satisfied. As if he has seen what he had come to see. I know what it was, judging by the sheer nature of Games. He wanted to see someone die.

Panic rises in my throat. I can just barely hear my heart beat faster when I see who is missing from my side. But he can’t be dead, not yet, anyways. I am still alive, which means Kirlia is too.

“Kirlia!” I cry out, trying to stand up to run to the shape hidden by the remains of the haze.

The boy laughs, tossing his head back as he does so. His Golbat partner has flown back over to the tribute, hovering over his shoulder. From Golbat’s unhinged jaw were bits of some strange, pale green fur that had been drenched in a thick purple fluid. I gagged.

“Ara-Jay…. Where’s Kirlia?” I ask softly, hoping that somehow I am wrong. I don’t get an answer as Golbat lets loose another thick Haze and when it finally clears, the boy and Golbat are both gone.

I stand up weakly, feeling my legs buckle underneath the weight. I don’t care. I weakly walk over to the limp body of my partner. “Kirlia! Wake up!” I shout frantically.

Kirlia’s eyes flutter open for a brief moment before closing again. His skin is milky instead of its normal plain white and green. One of his deep pink ‘horns’ is covered in the same toxic poison that Golbat’s fangs had been covered in. Four deep puncture wounds mark where Golbat had used his Poison Fang attack. If this wound is left untreated, the poison will kill Kirlia’s cells, one by one, and leave him dead by the next, gloomy morning.
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-25-2009 at 02:40 AM.
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Old 10-26-2009, 02:36 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

Kirlia dies, not a capture.
He lives, capture.

Ready for reGrading.

Other info (characters and stuff) are still in the first post.
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 11-25-2009 at 02:45 AM.
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Old 10-29-2009, 12:52 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

I'll grade this, as promised :]
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Old 11-21-2009, 02:31 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away

I'm so sorry that this took so long Tsuki, but here it is on Friday, as promised! ^_^

Introduction and Characters:
There were good parts and bad parts to your introduction. The good part was that the action being thrown at you right from the beginning makes you want to read to find out what happens and sort of hooks you in. The bad part was that almost nothing makes sense until after the introduction. How are these people? Why are they trying to kill each other? What’s a tribute? What are the districts? Where are they? These are all questions I had no answers to until I got much farther into your story and these are things that need to be addressed in the beginning of the story. Your reader should at least know who you are, who the other characters are, where everybody is, and what the characters and setting look like. The idea of a story is to make the reader paint a picture in their head of the events which are going on, but they can’t do this without the proper information.

Story/Plot:
I rather liked the idea behind the story, it was much grungier than the happy-go-lucky stories we see al the time and it was a pretty original idea. My problem with the plot was how underdeveloped it was. For example; tributes, careers, and the reason the games are taking place are barely explained at all throughout the story. It would have been nice to see thorough explanation of the games, of the tributes and what they are, why the careers are so special besides the fact that they come from wealthy districts. Your only explanation as to why these twenty children are killing each other is that the capitol told them to, to keep the districts in line, but how is making children fight going to keep the districts well? See what I mean? Great idea, but it was very underdeveloped and would have been absolutely wonderful if everything had been thought out a tad more and described more thoroughly.

Conventions:
Your spelling and grammar were done very nicely! I actually found no spelling mistakes in the entire story, and most of your grammar mistakes were just leaving some sentences as fragments, which is something a lot of people do. I’ll still go over some of your mistakes though so you know exactly what you’re doing wrong and how you can do better to not make these mistakes next time!

Quote:
So far, in the Games, there are fourteen kids left. Fifteen including me.
This was what you screwed up on the most. The problem here is that “Fifteen including me.” is not a sentence, although you still punctuated it as one. A complete sentence means there is a noun, a verb, and it’s a complete thought. To decide if it’s a complete thought or not you need to take the sentence out and read it alone. “Fifteen including me.” makes absolutely no sense without the other sentence to go with it; therefore, it’s an incomplete thought. When you have a small thought like that which doesn’t make an entire sentence the best idea is to combine it with another sentence via comma or semi-colon. A proper way of writing the sentence would have been: “So far, in the games, there are fourteen kids left; fifteen including me.”

Quote:
So far, in the Games, there are fourteen kids left. Fifteen including me.
Myddie/Maddie was dead, plus both tributes from Districts Seven and Nine.
This is another thing that I noticed you did throughout your story; changing tenses. Basically, when you write a story you choose a time to do it in (past, present, or future). If you read over the two sentences that I quoted you’ll see that one is written in the past and the other is the present. So, either there were fourteen kids in the games or Maddie/Myddie is dead. Unless you’re bouncing back and forth between timelines or something like that you tense shouldn’t change throughout your story.

Quote:
He looked after me from the ruder tributes in the game, despite he was only one year older than me.
Semi-colons, they’re a pain in the arse to figure out when to use them, but it is something you need to learn. The way I remember it, pertaining to this kind of sentence, is that if the two thoughts are completely unrelated then use a semi-colon instead of a comma. So, since him being older has nothing to do with him looking after you from the other tributes, you would change the comma before despite to a semi-colon to separate the separate thoughts.

Quote:
… there’s isn’t a great way to put this.
Make sure to always scan over your stories a million times for typos. You were pretty good about this throughout the rest of your story but there were a few, including this one. It seems like just a simple mix up of words, “there’s” should be “there”. Not a big deal at all.

So those are the main things I noticed you screwing up on here, but overall, as I said before, your conventions were pretty nicely done! Just make sure to watch out for these things next time you write a story!

Detail:
Your use of detail throughout the story is neither good, nor bad. When talking about things and trying to describe them the detail is there, but I believe you’re capable of providing much more vivid descriptions and you’ll need to learn to do that as you continue to write stories. One thing that you should really focus on is describing your characters and setting more. Throughout most of the story I know very little about what your characters look like or what their surroundings are like, details make these things very clear, so use them more often! If you have trouble describing things then you can use a technique which I know many writers on this site use. First write your story, just like you have here, then after you’re finished go back through and add a few words of detail to everything. I’ve done this before and added 20,000 characters to a story and it read so much better afterwards. So, by adding a good amount of description, not only will your story be more likely to pass but you may even add enough characters that you can add a little sub plot in the middle and capture another Pokemon in that story (for this story you could have added enough to capture Mawile or Golbat easily).

Length:
Oh wow, you needed 20,000 – 30,000 and you wrote 36,000! Your length is definitely fine; however, if you had developed your plot more thoroughly this could have been long enough to even include another Pokemon for capturing.

Battle:
Your battle was actually one of the better parts of your story and I only had one problem with it. Some of the good points were that your attacks were described pretty well, you incorporated your attacks effects on the environment, the battle was fairly balanced, and you used a good variety of attacks. The one thing I need to complain about is that it didn’t seem like very much happened. 6,000 characters is a great length for a battle at this level; however, it seemed like less happened then really did. You need to add something extremely exciting to the battle, like an unforeseen twist or change in who’s winning; because right now it lacks the exciting battle climactics that would fix the problem of not much appearing to happen during the battle. Basically, the battle seems short even though it’s not. This really isn’t too hard to fix though, just have Golbat and Kirlia exchange a few more blows and add something exciting in like I mentioned before.

Outcome:
I’m really torn on whether to give this to your or not; I actually had to think about it for several minutes. The idea for the plot was original and is a very nice idea, the story reads well due to your good conventions, and the length of the story and your battle were perfect. Unfortunately the fact that your description was somewhat lacking and the story felt underdeveloped sort of undermine those things. So after several minutes of bickering with myself I’m going to say Kirlia not captured;however, I won’t make you fix too much in order to get the capture because I do feel like you put forth a lot of effort in this. To get the capture I want you to add to your description and either 1. fix your battle and the few conventional errors that you made, 2. provide a better intro in terms of actually introducing the plot and characters, or 3. really develop your plot and characters. Just choose one of those along with a little increase in the quality of you description and I’ll be more than happy to give this to you! I look forward to your PM asking me for a regrade!
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Old 11-25-2009, 03:34 AM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away (Ready for ReGrade)

Ready for re-grade.

Pokemon; Kirlia,
Character Range; 20k-30k (Hard)
Characters; 32,148 (no spaces)
39,595 (spaces)
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  #9  
Old 11-30-2009, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Rayne, Rayne, Go Away (Ready for ReGrade)

Good job Tsuki! You managed to go through and fix up quite a bit of the mistakes which I pointed out, the biggest one that I saw fixed was the tenses. I really don't have much new advice for yo, considering more things were fixed than added so there isn't much new material to critique. So, just look over the things that I mentioned that you didn't fix and remember what I've said for next time! There were quite a few things that needed fixing in this story so just make sure you don't repeat your mistakes next time! Good job, good luck, and have fun with the Kirlia :]
Kirlia Captured
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