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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 07-26-2009, 12:21 PM
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Default Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)


Pokemon target for capture: Shinx
Characters needed: 5-10k
Characters counted: 11101 (w/o the chapter 1 thingy), 11135 (with the chapter 1 thingy)

***

My name is Haley Barcelona. I’m a ten-year old girl whose dream is to become the world’s best Pokemon Trainer. I was born in Floaroma Town – a place where flowers grow almost everywhere. My parents are Roselyn, a teacher at the Pokemon Trainer School; and Caitho, a famous Pokemon Breeder.

I’ve recently just become a trainer, so I honestly don’t know much about Pokemon yet. Sure my mom is a teacher, but I wanted to learn from experience.

My first Pokemon is a female Growlithe whom I named Sonah. How did I know that she’s a girl? Well… let’s just say that people tell me that I have the ability to determine a Pokemon’s gender.
Sonah was given to me by my dad as an egg a week before my 10th birthday. I was so happy when Sonah hatched exactly on my special day.
She’s like a puppy with bright orange fur. There’s a thick, black, v-shaped stripe on her front legs; two horizontal streaks on each side of her hind legs; and three on her back.
Her belly, tail, and fluff on the top of her head are cream-colored.
Sonah also has two short claws on each of her front paws.

A week after my birthday celebration, I started to train Sonah with some of my dad’s not-so-strong Pokemon.
It wasn’t very easy at first, since Sonah is still young. But as the days went by, she grew stronger and stronger.

After a month of training, I finally decided to start on my Pokemon journey. But before that, I have to get my Pokedex – a tool that records a Pokemon’s data – from Professor Rowan. Who’s he? I’m not exactly sure; I mean the only thing that I know about him is that he’s the one who gives a starting trainer their first Pokemon. Who are those Pokemon? I don’t know. But I’ll find out soon.

Professor Rowan’s lab is in Sandgem Town. So that’s where Sonah and I will go.


***

Chapter 1: The Shinx Encounter

“Let’s see,” I said as I read the map of Sinnoh. “We’re now in Route 204. To get to Sandgem Town, we have to continue to go south from here, and we should arrive at Jubilife City. Then we keep on heading south to enter Route 202, and after that, it’ll be Sandgem Town.”

“Grow…?” Sonah asked.

“It does sound like a long way to go, but we can make it!”

“Grow! Growlithe!”

As we continued to walk along the grassy route, I suddenly had the feeling that it wouldn’t be like a stroll in the park.

“Starly.”

“Starly.”

“Starly.”

“Wh-what was that?” I asked anxiously.

“Grr…” Sonah growled; she was being protective.

Three bird-like creatures appeared from the trees. The body and upper halves of their wings are gray in color; while the lower halves of their wings as well as their heads are colored black. Their faces look like they’re wearing a white mask with black eyes and white pupils. They also have an orange beak, with black tips. On their chest lay a big white spot. Their feet are orange and have three tail feathers; two black and one white in the middle.
But there are some differences between them; the first bird Pokemon is smaller than the other two. The second has a black eye-patch on its left eye; and the third, who seems to be their leader, has a scar in the shape of ‘x’ on its right cheek.

‘Are those… Starly?’ I asked myself.

They must be. But what do they want from us?

“Starly!” the three of them exclaimed with anger.

“H-hey,” I said with a shaky voice. “We’re not doing anything wrong, s-so… why are you mad at us…?”

“Grow, Grow! Growlithe!” Sonah added, as if she’s telling them to leave us alone.

“Star!” the third Starly snapped. Its wings then began to glow white and started to charge towards us. It’s using Wing Attack!
The other two Starly did the same.

“Run, Sonah!” I called as I started to do so.

But Sonah didn’t run; instead, she released a red-orange flame from her mouth – Flamethrower! “Growlithe!”
I immediately stopped on my tracks and looked back. “Sonah?!” I went back to her side even though I’m still feeling frightened.
If Sonah wants to fight them, then I should be by her side. And our training with dad had given her a lot of experience, so I know that she could defeat those Starly.

Sonah’s Flamethrower managed to hit the first Starly and knock it down. But the second and third were able to dodge it.

“Don’t let your guard down, Sonah,” I told her. “There are still two of them.”

“Growlithe.” Sonah said.

“Staarly!” the second Starly exclaimed as it charges towards Sonah with great speed, and white trail created behind it.

It’s using Quick Attack.

“Quick, Sonah, dodge it!” I commanded.

“Grow!” Sonah jumped just in time to evade the Starly’s Quick Attack.

“Now use Flamethrower!”

“Groow-lithe!”

“Starly!” the Starly was directly hit, causing it to faint.

“Good job, Sonah,” I said, patting her head. “Only one Starly left.”

Sonah growled. It’s as if she knew that the last Starly would be different than the first two.

“Starly, Star,” Starly said tauntingly.

Whatever did Starly say, it made Sonah very angry.

“Growlithe! Grow! Grr…”

“Calm yourself, Sonah,” I told her. “Don’t let what that Starly said get to you.”

“Grr!” was all Sonah said.

I began to feel worried. I’ve never seen Sonah this angry before.

“Grrooow!” Sonah exclaimed, charging towards Starly.

“Sonah!” I gasped as I tried to chase and stop her. “NO!!!”

“Star.”

I was too late; Starly had attacked Sonah with its Wing Attack.

“Grooow!!” Sonah yelped in pain.

“No! Sonah!” I quickly ran to her side and knelt down, not paying attention to Starly. “Are you okay?”

“Growlithe,” Sonah said in an assuring manner.

“Thank goodness,” I sighed with relief. “Don’t ever do that again.”

“Grow…” Sonah apologized.

“It’s okay, girl. I was just worried.”

“Starly! Staaar!” Starly cried as it flew up, and then started to dive towards us. It’s using its Wing Attack again.

“Sonah, if you can, use Flamethrower!” I called desperately.

“Grow,” Sonah said as she stood up. She then released her Flamethrower. “Grrrooow!”

Starly dodged it with little effort. “Star!”

I froze. Starly’s coming closer to us. There was absolutely no way for us to run away from it now.

Just then, I heard a voice.

“Shinx!”

“Huh?” I wondered, hoping that who or what it is will help us.

A creature appeared from behind the bushes. It looked like a little lion cub with fur that is mostly blue; it has black fur under its torso. The half of its body up to the paws of its hind legs, and its tail are also black in color. Speaking of its tail, it has a gold four-pointed star on the end. Its forelegs each have a gold ring around them. It has large, oval ears with gold, star-like symbols on them – the upper point of the star is longer than the others. It also has gold-colored pupils, and a pink-red nose. And it has a tuft of fur above its forehead, as well as on each side below its large ears.

‘Oh wow, a Shinx!’ I said to myself. I’ve always wanted a Shinx. But of course, I love my Sonah more than any Pokemon in the world.

But then, my enthusiasm disappeared as I remembered that the Starly would be hitting us with its Wing Attack anytime now.

I was about to close my eyes so that I could avoid seeing how Starly would attack us, but there was something about the Shinx that I noticed; sparks of electricity were coming from its body as it charges towards Starly.

I looked at Sonah. “Is that Shinx using Spark?”

Sonah nodded.

Starly, on the other hand, seemed to be very focused on assaulting us since it didn’t notice that the Shinx was going to attack it.

“Star? Starly!!!” Starly cried in both surprise and pain as Shinx’s Spark strike it.

Despite being hit by a super effective attack, Starly still managed to stand up, but in a wobbly behavior. It was obvious that Spark had done great damage to it. “Staaar…”

‘That Starly sure has a lot of guts.’ I thought.

“Grooow,” Sonah snarled.

“Star…!” Starly said, catching its breath.

I began to feel pity for Starly. “Look, you’re too tired and hurt to battle. We won’t do anything to you anymore, unless you want us to bring you to a Pokemon Center in Jubilife City along with your friends.”

Starly didn’t say anything; it just looked at us.

“Well?” I inquired. “Do you want us to bring you and your friends to the Pokemon Center?”

Starly looked like it’s thinking about what to answer for a while. Then it shook its head.

“Are you sure?”

“Star…”

“Well… okay.”

“Starly, Star…” Starly seems to be saying sorry.

“It’s okay. We’re sorry too.” I turned to Sonah. “Aren’t we, Sonah?”

“Growlithe. Grow,” Sonah agreed, smiling.

“Star…” the first two Starly regained consciousness.

“Star, Star. Starly,” the third Starly walked to its friends.

“Starly,” all three of them called as they started to walk away.

“Good-bye too, Starly,” I said.

Then I remembered Shinx. I looked for it, hoping that it didn’t go away. And to my relief, I saw that it was just sitting on a small patch of grass – which is about five steps away from me and Sonah.
I walked towards it. “Hello, thanks for saving us back there.”

“Shinx,” it said, smiling at me.

“Hey, I know! Why don’t you join me and Sonah on our Pokemon journey?” I asked with high hopes.

“Shinx?” it inquired.

“Well… you don’t seem like you have any Trainer, and you have potential to be an awesome Pokemon; I can see it in you. Not that I care if you’re strong or not.”

“Shinx…” it seems to be unsure.

“Don’t worry; I’ll take good care of you, and we could be friends! But of course, it won’t only be the three of us; once we find other Pokemon, we’ll have more pals! And like I told you, I don’t care if you’re strong; I just want to be your companion. I bet Sonah would be happy about that too.” I turned to Sonah. “Wouldn’t you, girl?”

“Growlithe! Grow, Grow!” Sonah cheered happily.

“Shinx.” Shinx said.

“So… what do you say?”

Shinx seems to be thinking deeply.

"Shinx, Shinx!" it suddenly said while sparks of electricity started coming out from its body.

"Ah, a battle first, huh?"

"Shinx!"

"Well okay. Go, Sonah!"

"Grooowlithe!"

"Use Flamethrower, Sonah!"

"Grow-lithe!" Sonah said as she released the hot, red-orange flame from her mouth.

"Shinx!" Shinx evaded the attack, then it charged towards Sonah.

"Quick, Sonah, dodge it and use Flamethrower again!" I called.

Sonah did exactly what I said. "Grow!"

Flamethrower directly hit Shinx on the back. "Shiiinx!!"

"Try and finish this off with Take Down!"

"Growlithe, Grow-Grow!" Sonah cried as she charged towards Shinx.

Unfortunately for Shinx, it wasn't able to stand up in time to get away from Sonah's Take Down. "Shi-shiiinx..."

"Perhaps now's our chance," I told Sonah.

"Grow," Sonah agreed.

"Go, Pokeball!" I exclaimed as I threw a ball which has two different colors; red for the upper half, and white for the lower. The ball hit Shinx and then it suddenly disappeared within a red line – Shinx was now inside the Pokeball.
The Pokeball then started to shake from left to right, with the button-like thing on its front glowing in red...

~~~~~~~~
EDIT: I know my character's appearance hasn't been determined yet, but since I'll probably make this story... err... a real story/something (you know, with the chapters and stuff), her appearance will be said on the next chapter -- which will likely take a long time. >.>
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Last edited by SkittishHeart; 11-08-2009 at 10:55 AM. Reason: edited the title
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Old 07-26-2009, 03:41 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Ready to be graded... by Nyurgh)

Introduction: The introduction seems like a Character Recap. You basically opened up the story delivering background information on your character. We know who her parents are, what they do for a living, and how she came across her first Pokemon. That last bit is always the perfect place to start/finish the first chapter of a standard(I hate to use that word, since I have no idea what the entire series will look like) trainer story. While you didn't just throw useless facts about your character at me, you gave a good summary of a character's life before they decide to leave home. Though I am curious about one thing(which is how you know people are paying attention to your story), what is that ability to determine a Pokemon's gender? I always thought it was merely a matter of... looking. So, I'm really interested in seeing how you'll expand on that. Pretty good work here.

Plot: Haley, a young trainer, and her trusted Pokemon, Sonah the Growlithe, begin their journey from Floarama Town. Their first destination: Professor Rowan's Lab in Sandgem Town. Along the way, they encounter a trio of wild Starly, who seem surpringly upset at them. Sonah fights hard, but in the end can't finish off the last Starly, but a Wild Shinx saves the day! After a bit of persuasion, Shinx and Sonah battle, in an attempt to capture the Electric-type. This is a typical plot for an Easy/Simple Pokemon. Then again, just because you went the typical plot, doesn't mean you Copy+Pasted the plot for this story. So you I can't award you for creativity on the frame of the plot, I can say you pulled off the plot nicely. You weren't a Mary Sue, you didn't defeat all of the wild Pokemon that attacked you, and so I'm okay. Decent work.

Description: You faded between two settings "Wonderful" and "Where is it?" For the parts where you introduce the Pokemon, the needle shifted up to wonderful. You described as much as you could possibly gather from a sprite or Sugimori image, and that is good. When it came to location, you started hovering into the lower areas. You mentioned that the area was grassy, but how grassy? Was the entire route covered in grass? You always want to touch even the "boring" parts of the setting. Otherwise, the reader might find the setting "boring". I'll touch up on it later, but I didn't see much description in the battle. You did okay, don't worry. Also, even though you plan to continue, you should describe yourself just a little. For all I know, you can be a Junior Female Bodybuilder Champion, or you can be a short, chubby, egg-shaped person. Chances are, nobody will ever get those images in their head unless you describe them, but still, it's good to know what you actually look like.

Grammar: I noticed some minor mistakes, possibly from making an edit without changing the sentence to fit that edit in.

Quote:
“Staarly!” the second Starly exclaimed as it charges towards Sonah with great speed, and white trail created behind it.
That last phrase, "and white trail created behind it", doesn't really make sense. As I mentioned already, I suspect it as you editing the first part, while forgetting to adjust the phrase to fit. A simple fix would be "and created a white trail behind it."

Quote:
Whatever did Starly say, it made Sonah very angry.
"Whatever did Starly say," that would fit in some cases, but most likely in a dialogue, such as; "Whatever did Starly say?" Haley asked. In this case, it can be fixed by saying "Whatever Starly had said".

Quote:
“Star? Starly!!!” Starly cried in both surprise and pain as Shinx’s Spark strike it.
I bolded "cried" and "strike", because they are two different tenses. The quickest possible fix would be to change strike to "struck".

There were two slight(as in, I had been corrected on them before, so that's how I know) mistakes throughout the story. First, whenever you do dialogue, you use commas and lowercase letters to connect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by An example of what I mean
"Hello, and welcome to the Pokemon Center!" Nurse Joy shouted cheerfully, "would you like us to heal your Pokemon?"
You did okay with the first phrase. You always included a comma, and unless it was a Pronoun, the next phrase after the quotation started with a lowercase letter. However, you end the he/she said part with another comma, if you are leading into more dialogue. Don't forget to make the start of the second set of dialogue lowercase.

There were slight occasions where you included dialogue, and then continued on without making an indentation. This is okay if the same character is doing more, but if other characters throw an action into the mix, it's best to make a new paragraph.

These were common mistakes, for the most part. I would recommend taking a little time after an edit, read it through to make sure it sounds properly. Keep this in mind, and you'll do fine.

Length: 11,096, which gets you past the upper-quartile of the 5k-10k recommended to shoot for a Simple Pokemon. It'd be safe to say that the Length is a pass, since you left the Simple range and dipped into the Medium level.

Battle: This was the part that seemed to lag behind the other sections. While you did have a great back-and-forth between both sides of the battle, you rarely described the attacks. The best thing to do is to imagine what the Pokemon will look like preparing the attack? What will it look like when the attack launches? And of course, how does the target react to the attack? A two-sided battle is great, when you describe what's going on. Try some more kid, try some more, and you'll succeed.

Outcome: Well, Introduction, Length, and Plot seemed pretty good. I'd say your best section would be the introduction. You got the story in motion, gave us a bit of background information of the main character. Your description faded in and out, it had its ups, and its downs. Grammar was pretty good, save for a few fixable mistakes. Plus, this is your first story. :o Welcome to the Stories Section.

Shinx Captured! What to do next time? I would say work on getting your description permanently stuck on Wonderful. Try and describe as much as possible, and be sure to describe attacks, which will be your best method in improving the battling section.

Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 07-26-2009 at 04:09 PM.
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Old 07-27-2009, 10:37 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Ready to be graded... by Nyurgh)

Thanks a lot, Nyurgh. ^^

Yeah, I'm not that good with stories, so... yeah... =x

Oh, about those second dialogues, I noticed that most of the stories that I've read use uppercase. So that's what I immitated. But you're the grader, so I'll do what you say when I continue this story.

I can edit the details, if you want. The part about what my character looks like... err... like her eyes/hair/height/something.

Also, yeah, I've edited this story again and again; like I told you in my PM, I first decided to include Sneasel. But since I really wanted to have a new Pokemon for my URPG, I changed my mind.

Again, thank you. ^^

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Old 11-08-2009, 10:41 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapters 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Ding! The Pokeball stopped moving, and the red glow on the button-like part of it disappeared.

I can’t believe it; I caught Shinx!

I hurriedly ran towards the Pokeball, picked it up, and sent Shinx out.

“Shinx!” it said, jumping to my arms.

“Welcome to the team, Shinx,” I cheered, hugging it.

“Shinx, Shinx!” it seems to be glad.

“Now… what should I name you?” I asked as I looked closely at Shinx’s eyelashes. “You have short eyelashes, and the tuft above your head is long -- which means that you’re a boy. Am I right?”

Shinx nodded in reply.

“Okay. Hmm…” I closed my eyes. ‘What could be a good name for a male Shinx?’

It wasn’t long before a name came to my head.

“I got it!” I opened my eyes. “Zeon. What about Zeon, Shinx?”

“Shinx…?” He seemed to think about the name for a bit then he nodded his head, and smiled.

“Great!” I exclaimed. “From now on, your name is ‘Zeon’.”

“Shinx!” Zeon cheered.

“Right, let’s head to Jubilife City now.” I returned Shinx to his Pokeball.

As we made our way to Jubilife City through the grassy field, we happened to pass by a small pond.

What’s a pond doing here? I wondered. But I thought of glancing at my reflection on it, so that I’ll know what I appear like after having that battle-capture with Zeon.
Yes, my looks are quite important to me.

Ah, I guess I look fine, I said to myself while my hazel eyes scanned my manifestation. My white jacket with vertical rose pink stripes, which is over a light pink t-shirt, is still clean. My long, layered tan hair is peacefully resting on a few inches past my shoulders, and it doesn’t appear to have any tangles. Finally, my white skirt with tiny rose pink hearts remained stainless.

“Well then,” I started, “now that I know I’m still clean, shall we continue on our way to Jubilife City, Sonah?”

“Growlithe, Grow!” Sonah answered.

It didn’t take too long for us to get to our destination.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Chapter 2: Gary Oak?!



“Wow. Jubilife City’s big,” I gasped with astonishment.

It sure is.

We walked at the center of the city to see all the buildings.

On our right, a Pokemon Center is located. It’s like a pretty big house with an orange roof, and a white Pokeball-shape at the middle-top of the doorway. There’s also a red and two white lines on each side of the roof, both starting beside the Pokeball. It is where all injured and sick Pokemon are brought.

The Pokemon Trainers’ School can be found on our left. It seems that this school is composed of two buildings which are put together -- one is tall, while the other is shorter. Both have dark orange roofs, and the shorter building has two chimneys. There’s a tan-colored Pokeball above the entrance, which has no door, of the taller building.
This is where young trainers learn about Pokemon, and where my mom works as a teacher.

Next, on the left of the Pokemon Trainers’ School, is the Global Trade Station or GTS for short. It’s a big structure with two shades of blue -- the lower part is colored royal blue, while the upper part is cyan. Its roof is color white with a half-Pokeball at the top of it, which has the coloration of orange.
It is the place where trainers can trade their Pokemon worldwide.

The Pokemart, which is at the north of the Pokemon Center, is where different sorts of items can be bought. It’s slightly smaller than the Pokemon Center. Its roof is dark blue in color, and also has a white Pokeball-shape at the core. The roof also has a red and two white lines on each side on the roof, both starting beside the Pokeball.

Sonah and I walked a few steps forward to see the other edifices.

“Wooow,” I said, almost speechless as the big, white cube-shaped building appeared before our eyes.
There’s a big screen of television in front of the construction. And there are six white megaphones huddled together on the roof, with a bigger one above them which is black in color. “That must be the Jubilife TV Station.”

And finally, we have the Poketch Company which lies on the left of the Jubilife TV Station. It looks like a short and wide house with a structure, which isn’t as spacious, attached above it. The house is green in color, with two sliding doors; the surface on which the structure seems to be connected on is buff-colored. There are four, red flags on that same surface; all of which are located in front of the structure.
It is where Pokemon Watch or Poketch for short -- a personal tool in the form of a watch with a touch screen that has different applications -- are made.

“Let’s go to the Pokemon Center and have some lunch,” I told Sonah.

“Growlithe,” Sonah happily agreed.

And so we went to the Pokemon Center.
Inside, there are lots of Trainers with diverse Pokemon. But what attracted me most was the big canine-like Pokemon which also seems to resemble a tiger. Its head is covered with cream-colored hair, except for the part around its eyes and ears -- which is in the shade of orange. Its body is also orange, with different markings of black stripes. It has a cream tuft of fur at the back of its front legs, and a bigger one at the rear of its hind legs. As for its tail, it is colored in cream too.
“Awesome!” I exclaimed in amazement. “An Arcanine!”

“Grooow…” Sonah gasped.

“That’s your evolved form when you’re exposed to a Fire Stone, right?” I asked Sonah.

Sonah gave me happy nod in response.

“I can’t wait for you to be an Arcanine.”

“Growlithe,” Sonah agreed.

“But the question is: Where can we find a Fire Stone?”

“Grow, Grow.”

“You can find it almost anywhere; it’s just rare, though,” said a voice behind me.

I turned around to see who it was.

It was a boy, around the age of 14 or 15, standing at 4 steps away from me. He has a rather spiky, brown hair, and black eyes. He wears a black polo shirt, purple pants, and black shoes.
There’s also a circle-shaped necklace around his neck which is divided into two colors: green for the upper part, and yellow for the lower part.

I can’t believe my eyes; it’s Gary Oak!
He’s the grandson of Professor Oak -- a world-famous Pokemon researcher.

“You seem to be rather shocked,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“Uuh… yes,” I said, trying to shake away the intense feeling of surprise. “I’m fine. Thank you.”

Honestly, it was really unexpected for Gary Oak to be here; last time I heard, he was in Kanto, doing his research and stuff. But then again, that was like three months ago.

“Well, okay.” He walked to his Arcanine’s side. “I assume that you already know me.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I think every Pokemon Trainer does.”

He smiled. “What’s your name?”

“Haley. Haley Barcelona.”

“That’s a nice name.”

I can feel my cheeks suddenly become hot; I’m probably blushing. Did I mention that I’m no good with taking compliments? “T-thanks.” I managed to stutter out.

“So,” he began, “are you a starting trainer?”

“Yes.”

“And I see that this Growlithe is your starter.”

“Uh-huh. Her name’s Sonah.”

“Her?” Gary looked at my Growlithe.

“Yup, Sonah’s a girl.”

“How did you know?”

“Simple; I looked at her eyelashes.” I bent down to reduce my height to the same as Sonah’s, and pointed her eyelashes. That’s practically how I can figure out a Pokemon’s gender -- by observing its eyelashes. “Look at them closely and you’ll see.”

Gary walked towards Sonah, and did what I said. “Hey, this Growlithe’s eyelashes are long -- too lengthy for a boy’s.”

“Told you,” I said.

Gary stood up, and smiled at me. “You’re special, kid.”

I feel like I’m blushing again. “What… what do you mean?”

“You’ll be an awesome Pokemon Trainer.”

“I hope so,” I uttered, laughing a bit.

“Trust me. You will be,” Gary said. “Well, I better get going now. It was nice meeting you.”

“Same here,” I said.

“Good luck on your Pokemon journey.” He turned to his Arcanine. “Let’s go.” He walked off.

“Reer.” Arcanine followed.

Thank you,
I thought. Then I turned to Sonah. “C’mon, girl. I bet you’re starving.”

“Grooow…” Sonah agreed.
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Last edited by SkittishHeart; 11-09-2009 at 11:58 AM. Reason: fixed something
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Old 11-08-2009, 10:43 AM
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Default Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Chapter 3: Colors

We looked around the Pokemon Center a little. As we did, I noticed that the walls are painted in a neat white shade.
A counter, which is red in color, can be seen a few paces in front of us, and standing there is Nurse Joy. She’s in charge of the Pokemon Center.
She has a pink-colored hair with four what-seem-to-be-swirls as the bangs, and is tied in pigtails form; except, each “pigtail” looks like large circles. She wears a pink dress which has a sharp W-like collar, and a big ribbon tied at the back of it. There also appears an apron, which is white in color, that’s on top of the dress.
Nurse Joy has a white nurse cap that has a red cross on it.

There’s a door leading to a room behind Nurse Joy. It is where the Pokemon are healed.
Above the door lies a light bulb in the shape of a circle -- it indicates whether the healing process is done or not; when the red light is on, it means that the restoration to full health is not yet finished. But when the red light fades, it implies that the Pokemon are cured.

There are also two brown-colored staircases that are a couple of steps away from each side of the counter. They lead upstairs where the rooms, for the Trainers who wish to stay in for the night, are located.

As I gazed throughout the center a bit more, I saw some white tables and two chairs on both sides.

“Growlithe,” Sonah said. I assume she’s looking at the tables and chairs as well.

“You really want to eat now?” I asked.

Sonah looked at me for a while, and then she gave me a nod.

I laughed a bit. “Okay.” I went over to one of the unoccupied tables, which is beside the glass window. “Let’s eat here.” I sat down on the first chair on the right side of the table -- the one that is not close to the window.

“Grow!” Sonah cheered. She remained on the floor

“Of course, let’s not forget Zeon.” I picked my Shinx’s Pokeball and let out the little cub.

“Shinx!” He sat down beside Sonah, seeming like he knows that it’s eating time.

I took off my pink shoulder bag, placed in on the table, opened it, and brought out a container of Pokemon food from it as well as a food bowl that is red-colored.

“Wait,” I said as I looked at Zeon, “where am I supposed to place your food on? The only food bowl here is Sonah’s.”

Zeon didn’t give me an answer; he just gave me a long look.

I sighed. “Oh, you poor thing.” Really, I’m feeling quite guilty because of those puppy-dog eyes that Zeon’s showing me. “Alright, I’ll go ask Nurse Joy if she has any spare food bowls.”

“Shi-shinx!” he thanked.

I stood up from where I’m sitting, and went over to Nurse Joy. “Excuse me, Nurse Joy, um; do you have any spare food bowl that my little Shinx can use? I only have one, and it’s for my Growlithe.”

“Yes, yes I do,” Nurse Joy stated. “Just hang on a sec.” She bent down to her knees and, from my sight, disappeared. I guess there’s some kind of drawers at the back of the counter.

“Ah!” Nurse Joy bellowed. “Here we go.” She stood up and handed me over a food bowl which is blue in color -- perfect for Zeon.

“Thank you, Nurse Joy,” I said as I gave her a smile.

“No problem.” She smiled back. “You can have it.”

“Really? You’re so kind. Thank you!” With that said, I headed back to where my two Pokemon are.

“Zeon! Here’s you food bowl!” I cheered as I laid it in front of Zeon.

Zeon let out a happy shout. “Shinx, Shinx!”

“Haha. Well, enough with the wait.” I consigned some grub on Zeon’s food basin, and on Sonah’s. “Eat now, you two.”

“That reminds me,” I uttered as I got hold of my pink bag again, “I better eat now too.” I let my right hand search through my bag for the lunch that I packed. “Ah, here it is.” I brought out a sandwich that is neatly positioned inside a plastic. “Eating time.” I took my sandwich from the plastic, threw the plastic in a garbage can near the window, and started to take a bite.

“Snorunt,” said a voice.

“Huh?” I wondered. “Sonah, Zeon, did you guys hear anything?”

Sonah and Zeon looked at me then shook their head.

“Must’ve been my imagination,” I said. “Let’s go back to eating.” I took another bite on my sandwich.

“Runt…” the voice began again.

I turned around to see if there’s someone or something behind me, but there was no one there.

“Snorunt… sno,” the voice continued.

I looked down, and saw a small, black Pokemon with a circular body; round fingerless hands, and toeless feet. Its body is covered with a rose pink cone-shaped cloak.
The Pokemon is staring hungrily at my sandwich.

“Oh, um… you want my sandwich?” I asked the Pokemon.

“Sno… runt!” It suddenly ran away without giving an answer.

“That’s weird,” I commented as I watch the little critter go outside of the Pokemon Center. Judging from the words that it said, the Pokemon must be a Snorunt.
But, as far as I know, a Snorunt should have a yellow-orange cone-shaped cloak; not rose pink.
It’s not shiny either; a shiny Snorunt’s cloak is icy-blue.

I became curious, so I started to make haste in eating my sandwich.

My Pokemon seemed to have noticed that I’m in a hurry, so they ate their food faster too.

Not long after, we all finished consuming our food. Then, I searched in my bag for a bottle of water, drank from it, and returned it.

“You guys want some water?” I asked my Pokemon.

Neither of them nodded.

“Well, I guess that means ‘no’,” I stated. “C’mon.” I stood up, and picked up my bag. “I want to know what’s with the different-colored Snorunt.” Then I remembered something. “But wait, let’s get you two properly healed first.” I returned my Pokemon to their Pokeballs, and then went over to Nurse Joy.
“Nurse Joy, may you please restore my Growlithe and Shinx back to their full health?”

“Of course,” Nurse Joy said with a smile as she brought out a silver tray with six holes in it. The holes are where the Pokeballs are placed. “Put your Pokeballs here.”

“Sure.” I did what I was told to.

“Now, just wait for a while; this won’t take too long.” Nurse Joy went into the room behind her with the tray.

Okay.

After a minute later, Nurse Joy came out. “Here you go, your Pokemon are back at full health.”

“Thanks, Nurse Joy,” I said, grinning at her as I took back my Pokeballs and sent out my Pokemon.

“No problem,” she said. “Come back anytime.”

“Okay.” I turned to my Pokemon. “You guys ready?.”

“Growlithe,” Sonah said, ready to go.

“Shinx!” Zeon added.

“Let’s go, then.” I ran towards the door, with Sonah and Zeon behind me.

Outside, I saw the Snorunt being trailed by a Pokemon that looks like a fusion of duck, and a salamander. Its body is mostly yellow in color, with fire-like designs that are red. It has yellow thighs, black legs, and red feet with two toes each. Its arms are covered in red, rigid scales and it has red hands with five fingers. The Fire Pokemon has a row of red spikes running down its back. It has two lumps on its forehead with a flame on top of each one, and a yellow beak. Its yellow tail has a flame on it.

“What Pokemon is running after the Snorunt?” I asked.

“Grow…” Sonah doesn’t appear to know.

“Shinx…” And neither does Zeon.

“Hey, look!” I pointed to a young boy who’s watching the chase between Snorunt, and the salamander-duck-like Pokemon.
The boy was wearing a brown sleeve-less t-shirt, with a red-orange vest over it. He has brown hair -- which is somewhat heart-shaped -- brown eyebrows, and eyes. He also has green pants.

“Magmar,” the boy called, “use Flamethrower!”

“Mag-mar!” the Fire Pokemon exclaimed as it sent out red-hot flames from its mouth.

“Look out!” I subconsciously cried out to the Snorunt.

“Sno?” It looked back, and saw the Flamethrower closing in. Then, it jumped to avoid getting hit by the fiery breath of the Magmar. Subsequently, the triangular-shaped Pokemon ran towards me, and hid behind my legs.

“Hey, what’s with you?!” the boy bellowed angrily at me. “Don’t you see that I’m trying to catch that Snorunt?!”

“Trying to catch?” I repeated. “It looks to me that you and your Magmar are bullying it!”

“That’s none of your business!” he cried. He turned to his Pokemon. “Magmar, get that Snorunt for me… NOW!”

“Maag-maaar!” Magmar hollered as it paced a few steps in front of its Trainer, ready to do what he just ordered.

“Oh, no, you don’t,” I said. “You’d better leave this poor Pokemon alone!”

”And if we don’t?” the boy inquired confidently.

“You’re gonna have to battle me first!” I turned to my Shinx. “Zeon, get ready to fight.”

“Shiinx! Shinx, Shinx!” Zeon roared as he went in front of me.

“Hah! Do you think that puny little cub can defeat my Magmar?” he taunted.

“Why you…” I muttered. “We’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?”

“Very well then; whoever wins shall have Snorunt!”

“What?” I glanced at Snorunt, who doesn’t seem too happy with the deal.

“Don’t worry,” I whispered, looking back at the boy again. “If I lose, I’ll give you a chance to run away.”

“Hey, you! Why aren’t you saying anything? Don’t tell me you’re afraid that you’re going to lose!” the boy shouted.

“No, I’m not!” I shouted back. “Okay, I accept your deal. Now, where are we going to battle?”

“How ‘bout right here, right now.”

“Fine with me.”

“You’d better be prepared to lose… uugh… hey, girl, what’s your name?”

“It’s Haley. You?”

“Egan. My name’s Egan. But anyway, you’d better be prepared to lose, Haley!”

You should be prepared!”

“Magmar, Flamethrower!” Egan called to his Pokemon.

“Zeon, Charge for a while!” I commanded Shinx.

Magmar began to send out red-hot flame from its mouth again. “Magmaar!”

Zeon’s body, on the other hand, began to glow with electricity.

“What a stupid idea,” Egan commented. “That Shinx of yours will get hit by Flamethrower!”

As Egan said that, Zeon did get hit by Flamethrower.

“I know,” I said, smiling. “But he took less damage than normal, for Charge does not only charge his next electric move; it also heightens his Special Defence!”

“What?!”

“Now, Zeon, Spark! And be sure to paralyze that Magmar!” I ordered.

“Shinx!” Sparks of electricity started to come out of Zeon’s body as he charged towards Magmar.

“Magmar, Smokescreen, now!” Egan demanded.

“Magmar, mar!” Magmar breathed out an obscuring cloud of smoke, covering the area of it and Zeon.

“Shinx?” I heard Zeon’s voice lost in the smoke.

“Nice job, Magmar,” Egan praised. “Use Fire Punch!”

“Zeon!” I cried out. “You’d better watch out! Use your ears and senses to know where Magmar will come and attack from!”

“Magmar!” Magmar’s screech echoed.

“Shiiinx!” Zeon came flying out of the smoke.

“Zeon!” I yelled in horror. “Are you okay? Can you get up?”

”Shi… Shinx…” Zeon was able to get up, but in a wobbly way.

Oh, no, Zeon took too much damage, I said to myself. Egan’s Magmar is highly experienced.

“Hahaha!” Egan laughed. “I told you your feeble Shinx can’t defeat my Magmar!”

“Shut up, boy!” I hissed. “The battle’s not over yet, so don’t celebrate!”

“Still, we both know who’s gonna win in the end,” he boasted. “Magmar, finish it off with another Fire Punch!”

“Magmar!” it ran towards Zeon with its right fist burning with fire.

“Zeon, Discharge!” I cried desperately.

“Shiinx!” Zeon let out a flare of electricity from his body -- hitting Magmar.

“Maar!” Magmar cried in pain.

“Hurry, another Discharge, Zeon!” I instructed.

“Flamethrower, Magmar!” Egan told his Pokemon.

“Shi-shinx!” Zeon, again, let out a flare of electricity from his body.

“Mag-maaar!” Magmar breathed out red-hot flames from its mouth.

The electric and fire attacks collided with each other -- it was like a battle between the two elemental moves.

“Zeon, stop attacking, jump, and Discharge again!” I ordered.

Zeon did what he was told to; he ceased from using Discharge, jumped and let Flamethrower hit the ground, and sent out electricity from his body again --hitting Magmar one more time.

“Maaagmaar!”

“What the-” Egan was surprised by what had happened. “Magmar!”

“Maar…” Magmar appears to be quite weak now.

“Zeon, let’s end this with one last attack,” I said. “Discharge!”

“Magmar, this is our final shot,” Egan declared. “Flamethrower!”

Again, the two elemental moves crashed into each other. Whoever gets tired first, and abruptly stops from attacking will lose…
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Last edited by SkittishHeart; 11-08-2009 at 11:11 AM. Reason: edited the 'Re:' thing
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Old 11-08-2009, 10:54 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Pokemon going for: Snorunt
Characters needed: 10k-20k
Characters counted: I'm not sure... but the character counter said that it's about 20k something. Sorry... D:

Okay, so here's how I'm gonna 'capture' the Snorunt: if Zeon wins, then Snorunt will be mine. But if Magmar wins, I'll give Snorunt the chance to run away -- as stated in the story. :)

Oh, and yeah, the description of Jubilife City is based on the games.
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Last edited by SkittishHeart; 11-08-2009 at 11:25 AM. Reason: added info
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Old 11-21-2009, 07:49 PM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

I'll claim this and have a review done in the next week. :D
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Old 11-22-2009, 08:37 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Oh, thanks a million, Seq! ^^
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Old 11-29-2009, 06:24 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Introduction:
Well, since this is a chaptered story, I wasn't given much of an introduction. This eventually made me go back and read the first chapter of the story to know what's going on. That took up a bit of my time and made me a little frustrated that I had to stop, go back and then read something I wasn't even supposed to grade. Try to remember that you won't always get the same grader, so recapping the story a bit in the following chapters can really help whoever grades your piece, and it really impresses them that you've taken the time to give a little recap on the characters and plot.

However, I am partially introduced to Shinx - but I don't know what a Shinx is or what it looks like. Again, even though it's finishing a chapter, you should always attempt to describe the characters when you start a new. What I did like though, is that you introduced yourself by looking into the Lake water. That was unique and it was a creative way to tell the reader about your looks while still maintaining a story-like atmosphere.


Plot:
So I began Chapter Two, knowing that you, (Haley Barcelona - which is a pretty awesome name) are the main character and there is a male Shinx. You two are on the way to Jubilife, though I'm not too sure about why. I mean, reading on later, I assume it was so you could look for a Fire Stone? But really, I'm not too sure. Maybe this was just a girl on her first adventure... but I didn't see a plot, which really threw me off. I understand that perhaps you're working on one that is under lying the three chapters you have up now, but a few hints as to what’s going on and why Haley is doing things/going places would be pretty helpful to the reader. Otherwise, it may seem like a few random events.

Then you spot Snorunt! Being in a PokeCenter, it is entirely plausible to see random Pokemon running around. However, that doesn't lend itself well to a plot. Always give reasons for things. WHY does this happen? WHY is this here? You seem to get the Who, What, When, Where and How, but don't forget the Why!


Dialogue:
You had oodles of dialogue, which I personally, like to see. Dialogue means action and action keeps a reader's attention. Yours was well written and it certainly kept my attention. It was plausible and it made sense by contributing information to the story. You spoke to Gary Oak to learn about Arcanine and Fire Stones. You spoke to Zeon and Sonah to understand what they wanted. Speech can do a lot for a story and it really improved yours.


Grammar:
Usually when I grade a story, I find them riddled with grammatical errors. This story, I'm happy to say, was very clean! You had one spelling error and the grammar was pretty clean from what I could see. Whether you use a spell checker or a Beta reader, please keep it up! I love seeing stories free from grammar errors. :D

Your one spelling error;
Quote:
“But he took less damage than normal, for Charge does not only charge his next electric move; it also heightens his Special Defence!”
Defense has an s. If it were a c, it would be literally de-fencing an area by well - removing a fence. xD

Still, wonderful job on this section!


Detail:
I wasn't really sure about how to approach this section, because I had mixed feelings on your detail. On one hand, you blew me away with the intense detail on your scenery (like with Jubilife!) and all your characters EXCEPT for Zeon and Sonah. That really confused me, seeing as you often went into detail about looks whenever someone was spoken about.

Quote:
A counter, which is red in color, can be seen a few paces in front of us, and standing there is Nurse Joy. She’s in charge of the Pokemon Center. She has a pink-colored hair with four what-seem-to-be-swirls as the bangs, and is tied in pigtails form; except, each “pigtail” looks like large circles. She wears a pink dress which has a sharp W-like collar, and a big ribbon tied at the back of it. There also appears an apron, which is white in color, that’s on top of the dress. Nurse Joy has a white nurse cap that has a red cross on it.
This is a perfect example of description and how effective it can be used. I understood what Nurse Joy looked like. However, you could always ass a bit more about the other senses.

For example;
Quote:
I laughed a bit. “Okay.” I went over to one of the unoccupied tables, which is beside the glass window. “Let’s eat here.” I sat down on the first chair on the right side of the table -- the one that is not close to the window.
You described that there is a glass window, but what's outside the glass window? Is the window cold? How large is it? What color was the table? Was it wood or granite? Did it feel smooth or did it have a texture? Just remember that you can always go farther with detail, especially when it concerns varied nouns.

Concerning Jubilife - it's absolutely fine that you based the description off the game, but you can also make things up too. I don't see a Wal*Mart in Jubilife City, but maybe it has one of those. You can add whatever you want or change anything you please. It's your story. Be vivid and have fun with it. ;D

Still, your description was much better than what I expected for a "second" story. Good job here too!


Length:
I copy and pasted this into Microsoft Word, and since you're over 10k, it's plenty fine.


Battle:
This was really the deciding factor in your capture, since the introduction and the plot were pretty weak. So the battle began with Magmar and Shinx, which is a nice match-up. (It's not like Arceus versus a Burmy or anything). The battle was also very two-sided as both Magmar and Shinx had chances to pull off attacks as well as to be hurt by the enemy. What I noticed though, is that there were very limited types of attacks. Shinx knows a lot of moves other than just Charge, Spark and Discharge and Magmar has an amazing movepool. Remember that you can use any TMs that a Pokemon knows to make the battle more diverse and interesting.

I also really would have enjoyed you incorporating the environment. Magmar used Flamethrower in a grassy area! What would happen? Would you be hot? Would the grass catch on fire? Does it increase the power of fire moves? How does it feel for Magmar? How does the fire feel to Shinx? Shinx has a fur coat, so how does it affect him? If you need ideas on how to incorporate your surroundings, try reading a few stories and see how other authors do it. (This can also be a suggestion for going farther with detail).

What really saved your battle was the dialogue. Watching Haley and Egan argue while also explaining their attacks was not only entertaining, but it was helpful. I now know what Charge does. I also know Magmar has great attack! Again, detail, detail, detail.


Catching:
This section really, really made me think. I had to type this several times before reaching a decision. Seeing that this is only your second story, I will say; Snorunt Captured!. But please, please, PLEASE take into account what both Nyurgh and I have said in your grades and work to make your next story/chapter even better than this one. ;D
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Old 11-30-2009, 10:21 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Encounters (Chapter 2 and 3 up; ready for grading)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sequentio View Post
Introduction:
Well, since this is a chaptered story, I wasn't given much of an introduction. This eventually made me go back and read the first chapter of the story to know what's going on. That took up a bit of my time and made me a little frustrated that I had to stop, go back and then read something I wasn't even supposed to grade. Try to remember that you won't always get the same grader, so recapping the story a bit in the following chapters can really help whoever grades your piece, and it really impresses them that you've taken the time to give a little recap on the characters and plot.

However, I am partially introduced to Shinx - but I don't know what a Shinx is or what it looks like. Again, even though it's finishing a chapter, you should always attempt to describe the characters when you start a new. What I did like though, is that you introduced yourself by looking into the Lake water. That was unique and it was a creative way to tell the reader about your looks while still maintaining a story-like atmosphere.

Truth to be told, I didn't really know that I should try to describe the characters again when I'm about to start a new chapter, or whatnot. Thanks for that, and I'll keep in mind. :)

Plot:
So I began Chapter Two, knowing that you, (Haley Barcelona - which is a pretty awesome name) are the main character and there is a male Shinx. You two are on the way to Jubilife, though I'm not too sure about why. I mean, reading on later, I assume it was so you could look for a Fire Stone? But really, I'm not too sure. Maybe this was just a girl on her first adventure... but I didn't see a plot, which really threw me off. I understand that perhaps you're working on one that is under lying the three chapters you have up now, but a few hints as to what’s going on and why Haley is doing things/going places would be pretty helpful to the reader. Otherwise, it may seem like a few random events.

Then you spot Snorunt! Being in a PokeCenter, it is entirely plausible to see random Pokemon running around. However, that doesn't lend itself well to a plot. Always give reasons for things. WHY does this happen? WHY is this here? You seem to get the Who, What, When, Where and How, but don't forget the Why!

Thanks for the comment about the name. :D

So basically, I had to had a small recap on what Haley was supposed to do, or what her goal is? LOL. I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I know what you're trying to tell me. Hehe. ^^'

Gah. No wonder I felt something was left out when I made that Snorunt appear. The REASON. *Takes note of this too*


Dialogue:
You had oodles of dialogue, which I personally, like to see. Dialogue means action and action keeps a reader's attention. Yours was well written and it certainly kept my attention. It was plausible and it made sense by contributing information to the story. You spoke to Gary Oak to learn about Arcanine and Fire Stones. You spoke to Zeon and Sonah to understand what they wanted. Speech can do a lot for a story and it really improved yours.

Finally, a part of the story where I made you... err... happy? :D
Thank you. ^^


Grammar:
Usually when I grade a story, I find them riddled with grammatical errors. This story, I'm happy to say, was very clean! You had one spelling error and the grammar was pretty clean from what I could see. Whether you use a spell checker or a Beta reader, please keep it up! I love seeing stories free from grammar errors. :D

Your one spelling error;

Defense has an s. If it were a c, it would be literally de-fencing an area by well - removing a fence. xD

Still, wonderful job on this section!

LOL. I think Word missed that spelling error in defense. xD


Detail:
I wasn't really sure about how to approach this section, because I had mixed feelings on your detail. On one hand, you blew me away with the intense detail on your scenery (like with Jubilife!) and all your characters EXCEPT for Zeon and Sonah. That really confused me, seeing as you often went into detail about looks whenever someone was spoken about.



This is a perfect example of description and how effective it can be used. I understood what Nurse Joy looked like. However, you could always ass a bit more about the other senses.

For example;

You described that there is a glass window, but what's outside the glass window? Is the window cold? How large is it? What color was the table? Was it wood or granite? Did it feel smooth or did it have a texture? Just remember that you can always go farther with detail, especially when it concerns varied nouns.

Concerning Jubilife - it's absolutely fine that you based the description off the game, but you can also make things up too. I don't see a Wal*Mart in Jubilife City, but maybe it has one of those. You can add whatever you want or change anything you please. It's your story. Be vivid and have fun with it. ;D

Still, your description was much better than what I expected for a "second" story. Good job here too!

I guess when it comes to detail, I'm only concerned about what something looks like; not what it tastes, feels, etc. Thanks for making me realize that, Seq. ^^

Length:
I copy and pasted this into Microsoft Word, and since you're over 10k, it's plenty fine.


Battle:
Remember that you can use any TMs that a Pokemon knows to make the battle more diverse and interesting.

I didn't know that. I don't know if it's because it wasn't in the tips of the URPG Stories, or I just missed it. >.>
Again, thanks for letting me know. ^^


I also really would have enjoyed you incorporating the environment. Magmar used Flamethrower in a grassy area! What would happen? Would you be hot? Would the grass catch on fire? Does it increase the power of fire moves? How does it feel for Magmar? How does the fire feel to Shinx? Shinx has a fur coat, so how does it affect him? If you need ideas on how to incorporate your surroundings, try reading a few stories and see how other authors do it. (This can also be a suggestion for going farther with detail).

Once again, I missed the detail concerning the other senses aside from sight...

What really saved your battle was the dialogue. Watching Haley and Egan argue while also explaining their attacks was not only entertaining, but it was helpful. I now know what Charge does. I also know Magmar has great attack! Again, detail, detail, detail.

Yay for the dialogue! :D


Catching:
This section really, really made me think. I had to type this several times before reaching a decision. Seeing that this is only your second story, I will say; Snorunt Captured!. But please, please, PLEASE take into account what both Nyurgh and I have said in your grades and work to make your next story/chapter even better than this one. ;D

Don't worry, next I'll make a story (if I ever make one xD), I won't catch a Pokemon just because it's my first or second story.
Well, with those said, thank you so much for grading this, Seq. ^^
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