Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-23-2009, 07:41 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Shadows (PG-13)

Alright... here's my fic, Shadows. Rated PG-13 for violence.

Link to this!

Code:
[*URL="http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=101314"][*IMG]http://i37.tinypic.com/nzkah5.png[/IMG][/URL]
Remove the *'s.
__________________

Last edited by Mawile-Danmaku; 09-23-2009 at 07:49 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-23-2009, 07:42 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Chapter 1

The Umbreon lay still in his cell. How long had it been since cipher had captured him? It seemed like years.

Time.
Elron jerked his head sharply up. The voice was speaking to him again.

Time. Is running out. As should you. Go. Go... He couldn't take it anymore. "Where are you?!" Elron screamed, but the only response was the echo from the cold gray walls. He looked toward the iron bars. Maybe he should escape. But how?
He lay back down, and began forming a plan. In his mind, it was sure to work, but only time would tell...

"Now, for my most aniticipated lecture... the new Shadow Pokémon!" Professer Kane announced as he clipped a helmet on to a Totodile. It snapped at him, then scratched at the helmet. He was the resident scientist of Cipher, and had hit upon the new idea in a brainstorming session. He wasn't really explained anything to Barry, the new head of Cipher, but he found it good to rehearse.
"Now, if you'll examine this regular Totodile." He connected the helmet to a large, ominous machine and pulled a switch. The machine made a low humming
noise.
The Totodile now frantically pulled at the wires, desprate to tear itself away from this horror. the humming escalated to a deafening roar. "Now, the machine deletes all things good in the Pokémon's mind with a negative charge!"
Kane screamed above the racket. Electricity coursed though the small crocodile, now frozen in pain. The whole building seemed to shake with the machine's sound. Kane then switched off the piece of metal.
A smoky haze spewed out of the helmet, engulfing the Totodile. The professer rubbed his hands as the haze cleared, revealing... a charred, blackened mass that might've been a Totodile once. Kane cursed.
"The voltage's been too high again! how will it ever work?!" Kane stormed out to redraw his plans once again.

"So, basically, you're making more Shadow Pokémon. That era is over Kane." Barry swivled around in his chair. "Go do something else."

"But Evice, these Pokémon have the good, happy sides of their minds erased. All they want to do is fight and destroy."

"Show me. I need proof."

"Sure." Kane began to walk off. "Kane! Come back. I want you to have something." As the professer made his way back to the boss's desk, Barry pulled a Pokéball from his jacket. "What's in it?"

"Cipher's greatest weapon. It's..." Barry looked around, making sure no one was watching. He leaned close to kane, and whispered "Mew. That is a clone of Mew."

"You're kidding!"

"No. I used to work for Giovanni, and stole some DNA when he was creating Mewtwo. I then quit, and took over Cipher. I want you... to create a Shadow Mew." Kane took the Pokéball. He slowly walked back to the lab. Then he started to run. I'm going to Shadowfy a Mew! he thought. This is great!
He raced to the Shadow room, and sent Mew out of it's ball. He quickly snapped it into the machine, and pulled the switch. He ajusted a knob on the control panel, not even paying attention to what he was messing with. The machine hummed, then started to roar. Soon, the noise was accompanied by maniacal laughter. Then the noise died down, and the smoke started to spray. I must get that fixed. Kane thought.
When it cleared, the Mew was lying still. It's skin had turned a smooth, jet black. It slowly rose into the air, and opened it's now red eyes. Kane was too stunned to speak.

His machine worked! The Mew looked at him, and giggled. "Hi! I'm Emily. Who're you?" Kane's eyes widened. He looked at the control panel. Under the knob he had
ajusted, there was a light reading "Charge: Positive"
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-24-2009, 12:23 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Elron screamed, but the only response was the echo from the cold gray walls.
Should have a comma after 'cold'.
Keep in mind that you need to describe what an Umbreon looks like. For all we know, it could be a large ooze monster with tentacles and pink blotches. Also, try to set the scene better with more description of the room he's in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Maybe he should escape. But how?
He lay back down, and began forming a plan. In his mind, it was sure to work, but only time would tell...
You would think he'd have made a plan and started trying to escape the very moment that he was put in the cell...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
"Now, for my most aniticipated lecture... the new Shadow Pokémon!" Professer Kane announced as he clipped a helmet on to a Totodile.
Should be 'anticipated'. Also, I don't think it's compulsory, but it would be better as 'onto'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
It snapped at him, then scratched at the helmet. He was the resident scientist of Cipher, and had hit upon the new idea in a brainstorming session. He wasn't really explained anything to Barry, the new head of Cipher, but he found it good to rehearse.
Sounds like you've said that the Totodile was the resident scientist of Cipher. xD Also, should be 'He hadn't really explained anything to Barry'. Also, before you got too into it, you should have described both the scientist and the Totodile.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
"Now, if you'll examine this regular Totodile." He connected the helmet to a large, ominous machine and pulled a switch. The machine made a low humming
noise.
Uhh, 'noise' shouldn't be on a new line.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
The Totodile now frantically pulled at the wires, desprate to tear itself away from this horror. the humming escalated to a deafening roar.
Should be 'desperate', and 'the' should have a capital 'T'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Kane screamed above the racket. Electricity coursed though the small crocodile, now frozen in pain.
Who's Kane? The scientist? You need to make that clear. Also, in the following sentence, sounds like you're saying that the electricity was frozen in pain, so you need to put 'who' before 'now'. Also, Totodile aren't crocodiles. They're Pokemon. Crocodile Pokemon, maybe, but not crocodiles.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
The whole building seemed to shake with the machine's sound. Kane then switched off the piece of metal.
Not that it really matters, but there's a double space between 'shake' and 'with'. Also, saying that he turned off a piece of metal doesn't sound right. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
The professer rubbed his hands as the haze cleared, revealing... a charred, blackened mass that might've been a Totodile once.
Should be 'professor'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
"So, basically, you're making more Shadow Pokémon. That era is over Kane." Barry swivled around in his chair.
Comma before 'Kane'. You should often put commas before addressing characters like that. Also, should be 'swiveled'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
"But Evice, these Pokémon have the good, happy sides of their minds erased.
Comma before 'Evice'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
As the professer made his way back to the boss's desk, Barry pulled a Pokéball from his jacket. "What's in it?"
*professor.
Also, Poke Ball is two words. A lot of people get it wrong. But two words is correct.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
He leaned close to kane, and whispered "Mew. That is a clone of Mew."
DUDE! Proper nouns need capitals! Also, comma after 'whispered'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
He raced to the Shadow room, and sent Mew out of it's ball.
You only ever put an apostrophe in 'its' if the word is short for 'it is'. When 'it' is possessive, you never ever have an apostrophe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
He ajusted a knob on the control panel, not even paying attention to what he was messing with.
Should be 'adjusted'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Then the noise died down, and the smoke started to spray. I must get that fixed. Kane thought.
That full stop at the end of his thoughts has to be a comma, so it doesn't cut off the sentence. Always at the end of speech or thoughts you have a comma unless it's the end of a sentence, in which case you use a full stop. However, if you have a question mark or exclamation mark you don't have to have a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Under the knob he had
ajusted, there was a light reading "Charge: Positive"
First, why is this also on a separate line? Second, should be 'adjusted'. Third, you need a full stop at the end of that sentence, and also a comma or a colon should be after 'reading'.

Done! To be hounest, I didn't expect to see you with a fic here. You need to work on a lotta things--description, explanation, grammar and punctuation, ect. It was a little boring, but then again I shouldn't expect the first little bit to be mind-blowing and awesome. xD No story is like that from the beginning. But anyway, you need to work on quite a few things. Also, it was very short. :3 I like how he put it on the wrong switch though...and what happened to the poor Tot? D: Was it killed or just injured?

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-24-2009, 02:51 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


Should have a comma after 'cold'.
Keep in mind that you need to describe what an Umbreon looks like. For all we know, it could be a large ooze monster with tentacles and pink blotches. Also, try to set the scene better with more description of the room he's in.



You would think he'd have made a plan and started trying to escape the very moment that he was put in the cell...



Should be 'anticipated'. Also, I don't think it's compulsory, but it would be better as 'onto'.



Sounds like you've said that the Totodile was the resident scientist of Cipher. xD Also, should be 'He hadn't really explained anything to Barry'. Also, before you got too into it, you should have described both the scientist and the Totodile.



Uhh, 'noise' shouldn't be on a new line.



Should be 'desperate', and 'the' should have a capital 'T'.



Who's Kane? The scientist? You need to make that clear. Also, in the following sentence, sounds like you're saying that the electricity was frozen in pain, so you need to put 'who' before 'now'. Also, Totodile aren't crocodiles. They're Pokemon. Crocodile Pokemon, maybe, but not crocodiles.



Not that it really matters, but there's a double space between 'shake' and 'with'. Also, saying that he turned off a piece of metal doesn't sound right. x3



Should be 'professor'.



Comma before 'Kane'. You should often put commas before addressing characters like that. Also, should be 'swiveled'.



Comma before 'Evice'.



*professor.
Also, Poke Ball is two words. A lot of people get it wrong. But two words is correct.



DUDE! Proper nouns need capitals! Also, comma after 'whispered'.



You only ever put an apostrophe in 'its' if the word is short for 'it is'. When 'it' is possessive, you never ever have an apostrophe.



Should be 'adjusted'.



That full stop at the end of his thoughts has to be a comma, so it doesn't cut off the sentence. Always at the end of speech or thoughts you have a comma unless it's the end of a sentence, in which case you use a full stop. However, if you have a question mark or exclamation mark you don't have to have a comma.



First, why is this also on a separate line? Second, should be 'adjusted'. Third, you need a full stop at the end of that sentence, and also a comma or a colon should be after 'reading'.

Done! To be hounest, I didn't expect to see you with a fic here. You need to work on a lotta things--description, explanation, grammar and punctuation, ect. It was a little boring, but then again I shouldn't expect the first little bit to be mind-blowing and awesome. xD No story is like that from the beginning. But anyway, you need to work on quite a few things. Also, it was very short. :3 I like how he put it on the wrong switch though...and what happened to the poor Tot? D: Was it killed or just injured?

~Xanthe.
Well, the grammer and such is explained by the fact Notepad dosen't have Spellcheck. As for the Toto, it's de-AD.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-24-2009, 02:57 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mawile_rocks View Post
Well, the grammer and such is explained by the fact Notepad dosen't have Spellcheck. As for the Toto, it's de-AD.
RIIIGHT. And that explains the paragraphing down thing too. :P Aw, poor thing...
By the way, I love how I spend ages on a critique and then you give a long, detailed reply back to it! ;D

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-24-2009, 03:56 PM
Lusitania Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 5,119
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

docs.google.com

That's all I need to do to critique it
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:22 PM
austbot's Avatar
austbot Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: in a mythical world
Posts: 412
Send a message via AIM to austbot Send a message via Yahoo to austbot
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

i really like it but i dont know why you made kane bring the shadow pokemon back. i mean in xd he was trying to save the shadow pokemon.
__________________
[br]Feed Me![br]Adopted from Valenth
banner made by lightsky
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-24-2009, 07:13 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by austbot View Post
i really like it but i dont know why you made kane bring the shadow pokemon back. i mean in xd he was trying to save the shadow pokemon.
What? Anyway...

Chapter 2

Footsteps echoed down the dungeon corridor. Kane swept past Elron's cell. The Umbreon heard the cell door slam. The shock wave sent cement from the stone wall

crumbling. It gave Elron an idea, and frantically started banging his paws against the wall.
Kane, however, was not interested in any attempted escape. He had dragged a Glaceon from its cell, and his mind was on nothing else.
Back at the lab, he hooked the Glaceon to the machine. She gave him a look of pure loathing. He carefully ajusted the voltage and charge knobs, not wanting to make the

same mistake as with the Mew.
The machine began humming, and the Glaceon began tugging at the wires, a frenzied look in her dark blue eyes. The strain on the wires was almost to the breaking point.

And as the machine started to roar, the wires snapped. The current, now not focused, seeked out the fasted way to ground itself, and that way was through Kane and the

Glaceon. A bolt struck them both, sending both polarties of charges through them. Soon, Kane looked very much like the Totodile in his first experiment, but he was still

alive, at least. They both lay exausted, Kane thinking of what had happened, and how to prevent it.

Elron's were raw and bloody from scratching at the wall, but he, with Emily's help, had managed to disloge a stone from the wall. He was resting now, too tired to crawl

though the hole. "Heads up," Emily called. "We have a new friend." Kane threw the Glaceon into Elron and Emily's cell, which had become sort a collection of failed

experiments.

"Wh...where am I?" the Glaceon asked, looking around her cell.

"You're in the dungeon," Elron said, blushing slightly. He had found the Glaceon rather cute. "What's your name? I'm Elron, and this is Emily." The black Mew giggled, and

waved with her paw. "Oh... hi. I'm LeFay. What happened to me?" As Elron bagan to explain what Cipher was up to, someone else was up to something much more

sinister...

Zyxx's long, talon-like fingers picked at the wires of Kane's machine. She was very interested in the piece of machinery, and was intrigued hoiw it could turn nice Pokémon

into creatures with uncrontrollable bloodlust for every living creature they saw. What? Were those footsteps coming down the hall? Yes... it was the professer. She slinked

behind the machine. Who cares about the machine, if you could have the one who made it? As Kane entered, he caught a glimpse of something moving in the shadows.

"Who's there?" he asked, peering into the gloom. He was answered by a pair of rusty red tentacles that shot out from behind the machine and wrapped around his head.
He pulled at the tentacles, gasping for air, but Zyxx had intention of letting go. Soon, Kane collasped in an air-deprived faint. Zyxx rolled her sleeves and pants legs down,

and pulled on her wool cap to hide her head tentacles. She now looked like any normal blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. If they had teeth like a wolf, that is. She slung the

unconsious professer across her shoulders. This is going to easier than I thought, she said to herself.

Meanwhile, Elron had gathered his new friends around him. "Alright, Emily, let's get out of here. Squeeze through the hole if you can." She did, and floated out the unlocked

door in the next cell, and grabbed the keys from the peg on the wall. As she fiddled with unlocking the door, LeFay turned to Elron.

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know, LeFay. I just don't know."
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-24-2009, 07:35 PM
austbot's Avatar
austbot Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: in a mythical world
Posts: 412
Send a message via AIM to austbot Send a message via Yahoo to austbot
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

i mean prof. kane was trying to stop chipher so why would he be helping them?
__________________
[br]Feed Me![br]Adopted from Valenth
banner made by lightsky
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-24-2009, 07:41 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by austbot View Post
i mean prof. kane was trying to stop chipher so why would he be helping them?
Oh my gosh! There was a Kane against Cipher in the games? I'm sorry! I'ts a different Kane!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 09-24-2009, 08:06 PM
austbot's Avatar
austbot Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: in a mythical world
Posts: 412
Send a message via AIM to austbot Send a message via Yahoo to austbot
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

ya he was in xd gale of darkness
__________________
[br]Feed Me![br]Adopted from Valenth
banner made by lightsky
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-24-2009, 11:45 PM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by austbot View Post
ya he was in xd gale of darkness
How ironic... I have that game.

Chapter 3

When Kane woke up, he was sprawled out on the floor of what appeared to be a small spaceship. Strange letters decorated the inside of the capsule. He picked himself up,

and went to the window. He was frightened at what he saw. The spaceship was orbiting Earth!
"Ahem." Kane spun around, and saw a small, wrinkled, hairless cat with a large metal necklace in the shape of a cross with a loop on top. "Ah. You're awake." The cat drew

itself up. "I am Amun-tet, former advisor of King Tutankhamun. You may, however, call me Peachie, if I deem you worthy enough of the honor. Zyxx would like to talk with

you." Kane smiled. "Finally, someone to explain what's happening... where is this Zyxx?" At that moment, a panel in the wall slid open, and Zyxx walked in. "Hello,

Professer Kane. I'd to ask you about the machine."

"What do you want to do with it?"

"It's... a look at human advancement."

"...Human?" Zyxx smiled, showing her double rows of teeth. She rolled up her sleeves and pants legs, showing scaly bird-like limbs, and pulled her cap off. I must be

dreaming,
Kane thought. Maybe it was that bad mushroom pizza last night... "Oh, you're not dreaming," Zyxx said as she sunk her razor-sharp talons into Kane's

arm. "Alright.. now tell me exactly how this machine of yours works..."

LeFay, Elron, and Emily had made it out of their cell, and were now headed towards the forest behind the lab.
"I'm not used to the forest," LeFay said. "I'm used to chilly mountaintops." We have to make do with what vve have. Look, there's a cave. We'll rest for the night." As they neared the cave, it was apparent that it was a common camping site. A large stream gurgled near the campsite, and the remains of a campfire smoldered in the middle of a circle of logs.
"Alright, LeFay, you can go down to the stream and try to catch some fish." Elron said, taking over the position of leader. "Emily, get some firewood. I'll get the fire going." The Pokémon assumed their positions, and started on their assignments. Elron, however, had his mind on other things, and was wondering where they would go, and what would they do. He glanced at LeFay. Ah, how her fur shines in the sunlight. he thought. He must make a gift for her...
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-25-2009, 12:15 AM
Charmander009's Avatar
Charmander009 Offline
WFL Official
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Celestia Region
Posts: 3,006
Send a message via AIM to Charmander009
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Lol, I love the Shadow Pokemon games. ^^

I just wanted to point this: Autsbot, it was Proffesor Krane, like a bird. MR was totally fine using Kane.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-25-2009, 01:04 AM
Mawile-Danmaku's Avatar
Mawile-Danmaku Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ponyville, riding Rarity
Posts: 2,106
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charmander009 View Post
Lol, I love the Shadow Pokemon games. ^^

I just wanted to point this: Autsbot, it was Proffesor Krane, like a bird. MR was totally fine using Kane.
Phew! At least that's straightened out. But their names are quite similar.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-25-2009, 01:15 AM
austbot's Avatar
austbot Offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: in a mythical world
Posts: 412
Send a message via AIM to austbot Send a message via Yahoo to austbot
Default Re: Shadows (PG-13)

getting creppier but cooler and also charmander009 i was pretty sire it was either krane or kane
__________________
[br]Feed Me![br]Adopted from Valenth
banner made by lightsky
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:17 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com