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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 11-21-2009, 07:39 PM
sakshi Offline
 
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Default Magikarp and the rotten boot(ready for grading)

Magikarp and the rotten boot


Once it was a nice sunny day for an outing. I was watching television and I saw an advertisement in which they showed how to capture a Magikarp by fishing at a beach. Suddenly a thought came to my mind. I thought why shouldn’t I go to the beach?
I went to my mother and asked “Mom can I go to the beach?”
My mother said “Ok! Sakshi You can go but not alone.”
I said “I will take John with me.” John was my best friend and neighbor since the school days. I went to his house and I invited John to go with me to the beach. He gladly accepted my invitation. Then I returned home. After a while he came to my house to call me with his Squirtle. It was a naughty and cute Pokémon. John was looking tall and handsome in the white t-shirt which he was wearing. The t-Shirt had a Pikachu printed on it. And he was also wearing blue jeans.
He asked me “Are you ready to go?”
I said, “No, mom hasn’t packed the sandwiches yet.”
Suddenly my mom shouted “Take your lunch its ready.” We took the sandwiches and went outside.

We were going to the beach in his car. It was a sports car of red color. In the way we saw many water type Pokémon. After some time we reached the beach. It was near a lighthouse. The beach was crowded. Many people were playing volleyball with their Pokémon. We did a lot of things there. We swam there with Chinchou and Squirtle. We all played volleyball. The match was between me and Chinchou V/S John and Squirtle. We played with a blue colored ball. We fought hard but John’s team defeated us.
“Good match.” he said. I felt very sad that I lost the match but still I enjoyed it. We began to eat our food after the match. I devoured the food because it was my favorite peanut butter sandwich. After that we felt very tired but I was also feeling happy.

We were just about to leave and then suddenly my eyes fell on a furious man. He was a fat fisherman wearing a red cap. We went to him.
I said, “Why are you looking so angry?”
He said, “I have been fishing for 3 hours and I have only caught 5 Magikarps.”
I said, “What is the problem in Magikarps?”
He said, “They can’t do anything except that useless attack splash.”
I said, “Magikarps evolve in Gyarados and he is very strong.”
The fisherman said “Are you joking?”
I said to him, “I am serious.”
And finally after sometime he believed in me.
And then John said, “Oh! Sorry we forgot to ask your name. And my name is John”
The fisherman said, “My name is Adam.”
Then I said, “Hi! My name is Sakshi.”
He said, “Nice name and thank you for telling me the importance of Magikarps.”
We said, “Welcome! Goodbye.”

We were going back to our car when the fisherman stopped us.
He said, “Why don’t you try to fish with me?”
We agreed to fish with him. He gave us his rods and each of us 2 baits.
I said to John, “You go first.”
He agreed. In his first try he got a rare sea weed. I felt happy for him. Then I tried my first time and got nothing. Then John used his second bait and got another rare sea weed. I started feeling jealous of him. Then I threw my second bait and got a rotten shoe. I got angry but I didn’t show my emotions.

Suddenly I saw beautiful bait on the sand. Its color was sky blue and its shape was like a Feeble. I picked it up and tried for my last time. After sometime I felt something was attached to my rod. It was hard to pull than other 2 tries. I thought it was a heavy rotten shoe. Then I pulled a little harder and I was surprised to see that the hook was attached to a rotten shoe. And the rotten shoe was in the mouth of a Magikarp. The Magikarp was looking cute but it was also looking weak. I burst into laughter and John and the fisherman joined me. They congratulated me for getting a Magikarp. Then I thought that I must catch that Magikarp.
I called my Chinchou and said, “Go Chinchou, Its battle time.”
I said to Chinchou “Use spark.” The Magikarp went back quite a few inches.
The Magikarp started looking weak with only a single attack but still it used tackle. My Chinchou wasn’t hurt a lot. And I said to him “Finish him by discharge.” After the attack Magikarp fainted. I threw my pokeball……………..



Characters without spaces: 3300
Characters with spaces: 4074
Pokemon trying to capture: Magikarp

I hope the Magikarp is captured because its my first story

Last edited by sakshi; 11-23-2009 at 01:09 PM.
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  #2  
Old 11-24-2009, 02:41 AM
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Default Re: Magikarp and the rotten boot(ready for grading)

Claiming this as per request. it's a short one so hopefully I can have it done tomorrow ^_^
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  #3  
Old 12-12-2009, 02:07 AM
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Default Re: Magikarp and the rotten boot(ready for grading)

Introduction and Characters:
Although I do have some problems with it, you introduction does lay out the basics of the plot, introduce the characters, and give us a setting; which are all things I always look for in an introduction. The problem with your story was that while you did do these things, you didn’t do them well. You establish in the beginning that it’s nice and sunny outside, and the fact that Sakshi is watching television means that you’re indoors. Nice, you have a setting; however, you really need more information to give a proper setting. What house is Sakshi in? What is the house like? What is the environment like outside (any trees or water nearby, etc.)? The same thing goes for your characters. After reading the story we have no idea what Sakshi looks like, something that should be established very early on in your story. We also have no idea what sort of personality Sakshi or John have because there is no talk of personality whatsoever and the way the story’s dialogue is written gives no hint at either of them even having a personality. The last thing I would like to comment on as far as your introduction goes it that there is absolutely nothing to draw your reader in and make them want to continue reading the story. Most stories use some action, a dramatic event, suspense, or some sort of mystery to keep the reader engaged; however, this story is very straight forward and bland, especially in the beginning, which is actually going to turn your reader away.

Plot:
The problem with your plot was that it was fairly boring and not very original. To sum it up: Sakshi decides he wants a Magikarp, goes to the beach, meets a fisherman, and catches a Magikarp. When coming up with a plot you need to really think for a good idea and make your plot a little more intricate. Plot twists, suspense, action; these are all things that you can do to really liven up your story. Stories that are just: “Boy goes out to catch a Pokemon and just so happens to stumble upon one,” typically don’t work out so well and are fairly boring to read through. Another thing that you need to do is thoroughly develop your plot throughout the story. Give depth and meaning to what is happening in the story and give us the reason as to why the events are occurring. For example, what made Sakshi want a Magikarp so badly that he had to get up and go to the beach right away and catch one? Insight into these kinds of things will give the reader a better understanding of what is happening, which is always something you want to do.

Conventions:
Quite a few things wrong here as well I’m afraid, though not too much. What I am going to do is point out examples of your most common mistakes within your story and tell you how to fix them; however, you’ll have to find other mistakes like the ones I find for yourself. I’m not helping any if I point them all out to you.

Quote:
We did a lot of things there. We swam there with Chinchou and Squirtle. We all played volleyball. The match was between me and Chinchou V/S John and Squirtle.
This is something that you have a problem with throughout your entire story. Your sentences are very staccato; meaning that they all end abruptly before you start the next thought. This is mostly do to using a period to separate every thought that you have, rather than allowing your sentences to flow together using commas and semi-colons. For example, something like this would have been better: “We did a lot of things there such as swimming with Chinchou and Squirtle, and playing volleyball. The teams were Chinchou and I, and John and Squirtle.” See how reading that sentence, the words all sort of flow together and the entire thought of what happened at the beach can be summarized into one sentence rather than four? That’s how you should be structuring your sentences.

Quote:
I said, “Why are you looking so angry?”
He said, “I have been fishing for 3 hours and I have only caught 5 Magikarps.”
I said, “What is the problem in Magikarps?”
He said, “They can’t do anything except that useless attack splash.”
Because the tabbing does not work on PE2K you should put a line break between each line of dialogue to show that it is a different person talking. So, the above quote should have been typed like this:
I said, “Why are you looking so angry?”

He said, “I have been fishing for 3 hours and I have only caught 5 Magikarps.”

I said, “What is the problem in Magikarps?”

He said, “They can’t do anything except that useless attack splash.”
This is simple to do, just pressing the enter key twice will make you skip a line like that.

Quote:
And then John said, “Oh! Sorry we forgot to ask your name. And my name is John”
The problem here is the capitalization on the work ‘oh’. When it comes to sentences with dialogue in them the dialogue is still part of the last sentence. Because it is not a new sentence, the first word of the speech is not supposed to be capitalized as you have done here and throughout your story. When it’s the other way around and the dialogue comes before the rest of the sentence make sure you apply the same idea. Don’t capitalize the word after the speech ends.

This is only a basic story so I won’t pick you apart for all of the little mistakes you made, but these are a few major things that you really should correct. There were many, many typos throughout the story as well which you should definitely look for and correct.

Detail:
The detail section over your story was severely lacking; in fact, I don’t remember seeing very much detail or description at all. Sure, this is an easiest level story; however, even the easiest of stories has to have details to be good! To better yourself here try describing events, describe actions, describe attacks, describe the environments, describe everything! Description is what brings life to a story; it’s what allows the reader to create a visual image inside of their head of what is happening. Without details and descriptions a story is just bland words that are uninteresting and extremely plain. So in your dialogue tell us how a person says something (accents, emotions, etc.), tell us what the character’s surroundings look like, tell us what the characters look like, and tell us what happens during an event instead of just saying that it happened (so instead of saying that the boys played a volleyball game actually tell us what happened).

Length:
4,109 Characters is perfect for a Magikarp story. You always want to try to at least hit the middle between the minimum and maximum requirements, so in this case 4,000 would have been a nice length. You’re over that so nice job!

Battle:
The battle is very hard to critique because there barely is a battle. Your battle was 361 characters long with spaces, and Chinchou KOed Magikarp with two direct attacks. My problem here: your battle was too simple and too quick. Even in a Magikarp story exciting things can happen, so think outside of the box and make the battle really exciting! Use the environment to your advantage, make attacks work in way that they normally wouldn’t work, and most of all make the battle two sided. I know that it’s hard but there are ways to make a battle between a Magikarp and Chinchou even. Battles are the place to really let your creativity shine! So make sure to really use your imagination and to remember details! Battles are the perfect place to show off your descriptive skills and give extra details about what is going on.

Outcome:
Magikarp Not Captured. Unfortunately your story was lacking in a lot places and needs to be revised before I can give you your Magikarp. Read through this grade and read over your story again and look out for all of the things that I mentioned. If you manage to fix up your story enough and you PM me to ask for a regrade, I will happily do it for you and you can hopefully get your splashy red fish! Good luck!
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  #4  
Old 12-19-2009, 04:43 AM
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Default Re: Magikarp and the rotten boot(ready for grading)

Gah. This grade is too harsh, as well.

sakshi, go ahead and take your Magikarp. Sorry it took me this long to find and correct this for you, but there you go.
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