Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 11-26-2009, 03:39 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default The Trials of Camelot Island [WWC]


credit to Medieval Manaphy for the awesome banner!^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ready for grading]
Title: The Trials of Camelot Island
Trying to capture: An Abra
Characters Needed: 20k-30k Hard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note that this is my first URPG story ever. I know it may seem kind of dumb to start out with a Hard level story, but I had a really good idea that I needed to put to some use. I may make a few mistakes here and there. If you point them out to me, I will immediately edit them. Also, sorry the first part was split up into so many small pieces. I didn't have Microsoft Word or anything like it when I first started this story, but now I do. Also, please forgive me for taking so long to type this up. Near when I was finishing up with Chapter Two Part Two, my laptop messed up, and the data was erased.Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. Also, I will be entering this in as my entry for the Winter Writing Competition '09.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[I only put this story on PE2K, so if anybody sees this story elsewhere, please report it.]

Also, this is a story deal story, the deal being with Bumblebee16. So if the capture is succesful, then the Abra shall go to Bumblebee16.


Characters(with spaces):52, 276

Character count excludes divide bars, italics' characters, and other such things, except for chapter titles, the end mark, and stars to seperate different scenes and such.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1: Camelot Island, Full Speed Ahead!

The loud horn of a large ship could be heard throughout the land. Danny's jet-black hair blew in the wind as he, Jack, and Sara raced to the harbor, sweat pouring down all's faces.

"I knew we should have gotten up earlier!" panted Jack, his red hair resembling a flame as he zoomed past the crowds of people. "You just had to put on extra lip-stick, didn't you, Sara?!"

Sara glared at him. "For your information, Jack, it was lip-gloss, not lip-stick!"

"Who cares? Let's just hurry! The boat's leaving!" yelled Danny. Jack and Sara stopped bickering and instead, focused their undivided attention upon reaching the boat in time.

The group ran faster than they had in their entire life. The stitch in Danny's chest ached menacingly, but he ignored it as he, Jack, and Sara hurried to the boat. Right when it seemed like they would reach their goal in time, Danny slipped on the glossy floor of the harbor. He fell face forward onto its white and blue squares painfully. Jack and Sara immediately stopped themselves and helped him up.

"Are you all right, Danny?" The concern in Sara's voice made Danny look down. He had not expected his nose to start bleeding. The crimson liquid fell onto the floor, each drop seeming like it would burst into a puddle. The crowd of people were now gathered around Danny, Jack, and Sara, some horror-struck, others staring at the scene with jacular grins.

"Yeah, just fine," replied Danny. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, blue handerchief. He wiped his nose on the handkerchief quickly, trying to dispose of any evidence that just moments before, he had been bleeding all over the floor of a harbor, with a crowd of people watching.

Sara sighed and began messing with her silvery-blonde hair, as if she had just been fighting a merciless killer and invisible beads of blood had fallen onto her long, curly hair. Jack looked around anxiously, his hands now deep inside his pockets. He was wearing casual, denim, blue jeans with a ruby red shirt. He had huge muscles, earned by heavy weight-lifting. His brown eyes searched the room frantically, as if maybe the boat had decided to stop somewhere close by.

Danny looked down at himself. He wore black, knee-length shorts and matching sneakers. His sapphire shirt fit him perfectly. His strangely golden eyes were invisible to him, but he knew they were like that, since people usually commented on them. He was lean, and well-muscled, but not as buff as Jack. Sara was wearing a plain, blue skirt with a light, pink, tank-top. Her sky-blue eyes were just like that of her mother's. Her foot-wear consisted of hot-pink sandals, ones that both Jack and Danny would never be able to afford, but neither needed, nor wanted, to wear. Her slender body could be viewed at as skinny.

Danny forced the bloody handkerchief into his pocket, and watched as the ship became a dot on the horizon, growing smaller with every second.

Sara suddenly stopped and turned to face the group, her usually bright eyes filled with anger. "Now, what are we going to do? Our boat to Cinnabar island just left without us!"

"Obviously," spat Jack, a fiery rage building up inside him. "Maybe if you had just waited to put on that make-up until we got to the boat, we would have made it in time!"

"I need my make-up! It's Danny's fault! He wasn't careful enough, and he stupidly slipped right when we were about to jump onto the boat! If you need to complain to someone, see him!"

"STOP IT!"

Jack and Sara turned to Danny, surprised by his sudden outburst. Danny continued, obviously controlling his rage. "It's both of our faults, Sara! I know you're both angry, and I am too, but the boat's gone! It's not like we can travel back in time and get on it! We need to go home, and wait for the next boat!"

Jack was calm for a second, but his fury got the better of him. "The next boat doesn't come until October, and by that time, school will have started, and we'd have to wait until next summer for the vacation!"

Danny stared at Jack in disbelief, but suddenly felt a rush of sympathy for him. Jack had been born on a farm, into a poor family. He did have two loving parents who cared for him just as regular guardians should, but it became harder as time went by, and Jack became an older brother. When he was seven years old, his mother had a baby girl, whom she named Anabelle. Jack had loved Anabelle dearly and cared for her all the time.

Until the incident happened, that is. When Jack was twelve years old, Anabelle was killed by a large group of evil men. The men were never caught. Witnesses said that the men drove away in their truck right after they had killed Anabelle. Jack then became a tougher boy. He started lifting weights and eventually became a power-house. He went to school with Danny and Sara, who're his best friends. They all now go to a tiny junior high close to their homes.

Sara had been born into a very wealthy family as an only child. Her mother and father were millionaires and gave her anything she wanted. Her life was fabulous until she turned eight years old.

On Sara's eighth birthday, she had an enormous party. All her friends and family members came except for her grandmother, Daisy.

Daisy told Sara's parents that she coudn't make it to the party due to her car breaking down on her way down there. Sara was sad, but she tried her best to enjoy the party. Later, though, Sara's parents recieved a call from the police saying that Daisy had been ran over by a car while repairing hers. Sara was more saddened than she had ever been before. She sobbed into her pillows all through the night. Her mother and father were alarmed by this and immediately comforted her. Eventually, Sara broke free of her emotions and calmed down. She had always went to school with Jack and Danny, her best friends. When Jack and Danny heard about the tragic death, they immediately helped Sara and as time went by, she bacame less saddened and just as friendly as she had been before. It was she who had suggested the group going to Cinnabar island over the summer break as a nice vacation.

Danny had a history not entirely unlike the others'. He had been born into an average family with two nice parents. He lived in a small house where he shared a room with his older brother, Cole. They went to the same school, for Cole had been only two years older. They were best friends and never fought with eachother.

Things changed when Cole went to high school, though. He started hanging out with other boys who were mean and evil. Eventually, he grew to be like them and started doing drugs and stealing guns. Danny and Cole were seperated due to their new differences. One day, Cole went to an elderly man's house while he was drunk, and shot the old man. Unfortunately, the old man lived on a steep hill, and Cole had forgotten to put the emergency brake on his car. When Cole left the dead corpse to go make his escape, he discovered that his car had rolled down the hill and crashed into a lake, The authorities arrived shortly afterward, and arrested Cole. Danny's parents tried to cover it up, but the story leaked out. Danny was sad, but he was never the type to cry. He went back to school and continued being his normal self. When Sara suggested going to Cinnabar island for a vacation, Danny eagerly agreed.

The crowd of people had slowly left, and now it was just Danny, Jack, and Sara standing in the middle of the harbor, all thinking hard about what they should do next. Suddenly, Danny heard footsteps from behind. He turned around and watched as two men ambled toward them. They were both wearing a matching white shirt with a light blue collar, and white pants too. Little, blue and white hats sat atop their heads. Both were bald and heavy-set. They looked exactly alike, except for their eyes. One had plain, brown eyes whilest the other had sparkling, baby-blue eyes, but both seemed to bore into your skin when you stared into them.

"Hello. We heard you speaking about missing a boat to Cinnabar Island and decided to help you."

Danny, Jack, and Sara all jumped: they hadn't expected any of the men to speak.

The man continued. "We were just going to Cinnabar Island when we overheard your conversation. We have a nice boat that can hold us all. Would you like to come with us?"

***

Danny stared at the man suspicously. "Who're you, and what are you doing here?"

The man looked slightly surprised by this question, but his tone was still casual as he answered. "I'm Mike Tidalwave. That guy over there is my partner, Tim. We're sailors from Cinnabar Island. Our masters put us through very hard work, so we decided to take a little break and travel here, to Vermillion City. We vacationed for a week, and then got ready to leave, but we overheard your conversation, so here we are."

Even after Mike said this, Danny still watched him cautiously, but Sara felt absolutely wonderful at the idea of still going to Cinnabar Island, whilest Jack had a neutral sort of feeling, as if either way would be alright for him, even though he had been fighting with Sara just a few minutes ago about going to Cinnabar Island. This time, Tim spoke, with obvious impatience in his voice. "If you want to go, you have to go now. We're just wasting time sitting here, waiting for you to make your decision."

Sara immediately ran over to the large, speed-boat. It was just like any other of its kind, white metal with a driver's wheel, but instead of the tiny amount of four seats, it had seven seats, and instead of one tiny space, it had three rooms, two underneath the main, outside one. It was about the size of a small cabin. There was a boy and his Pokemon in two of the seats.

The boy was about Danny's size, but looked not a bit like him. He was tall and lanky, but definitely not the least bit fat. He had spiky, maroon hair with matching eyes. He was wearing a pitch black t-shirt with dark, blue, denim jeans. He had a strange, golden necklace around his neck.

His Pokemon had the same sort of look as him. It looked like a turtle standing up on its hind legs. Its shell was brown on the outside, but tan on the undercovering. It had a small, baby-blue tail, with unique, curved twists. Two sapphire arms and legs protruded from its shell. It had two pointy ears and two, slightly lighter blue, spots on its cheeks. Its eyes were a dark, ruby red, and its lips were curved into a sort of evil grin, two of its sharp teeth bared.

The boy didn't have a bit of sweetness in him, or atleast it looked that way to Danny. He had a sort of mischevious glint in his eye as he watched Danny, Jack, and Sara board the boat, Tim and Mike trailing behind them. There were only three seats in each row, except for the driver's seat, which was placed near the front of the boat with nothing around it. Danny had to sit next to the boy and his Pokemon, which Danny now recongized as a Wartortle, while Jack, Sara, and Mike sat in the very back, leaving Tim to drive.

The boy sneered as Danny sat down. Danny raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. Suddenly, the boat shook ominously, but with a sigh of relief, Danny saw that it was just the engine starting up. The boat raced forward smoothly, Tim steering it with great ease. Silence fell upon the boat for awhile, but after an hour, the boy finally spoke.

"Wanna battle?"

Danny eyed the boy. He was observing Danny closely, as if he was deciding if he had made the right choice in asking him, and not one of the others. Danny was still for a moment, but finally replied when he could no longer stand it. "Sure, but who are you?"

The boy looked slightly taken aback, but he responded quickly. "I'm Zane. Zane Rush. Just in case you wanted to know, you're gonna lose no matter what, because I'm the best Pokemon trainer you'll ever see."

Danny was enraged at Zane for his remark, but kept his anger to himself. "Where're we going to battle? This is just a tiny speed-boat, not a stadium."

Zane chuckled. "There're two rooms right under us. One's really small, while the other's over two times the size of the space up here. Where do you think we're gonna battle, dimbo?"

This time, it was Jack who replied, obviously filled with rage. "We haven't been on this boat before, so we don't know all about it! You shouldn't call Danny that, you jerk!"

It looked like Jack was about to throttle Zane, but before he could lay a finger on him, Zane's Wartortle shot a jet of water at Jack. He immediately recoiled, staggering backwards toward his seat. Sara glared at Zane and exclaimed, "You cruel, cruel person! You're not supposed to hit people with Pokemon!"

Zane chortled at this. "Whatever. Danny's your name, right?"

Danny nodded, so Zane continued. "Follow me."

Danny stood up and followed Zane down a steep, flight of stairs. After a few moments, they reached the foot of the stairs. Zane turned to a small, metallic door on their right, and opened it.

Inside was a large room. There was nothing inside of it, though. The walls were painted white, the floor a deep shade of green. Also, on the floor was a picture of an enormous ball. The ball had a black lining on the middle of it. There was a white button right smack dab on the middle of the black lining. The black lining seperated two sides, the top one red, and the bottom one white. In short, it was a doodle of a Pokeball.

Zane strolled over to the other side of the room with his Wartortle and turned to face Danny. "Well, send out your Pokemon and we'll start."

Danny was eager to start the battle and show this guy who he's messing with, but he needed to ask of him something first. "How many Pokemon are we sending out?"

Zane answered almost immediately. "We're going to send out three Pokemon at a time."

Danny questioned Zane yet again. "Don't we need a referee?"

A look of surprise plastered Zane's face, but he was able to regain himself quickly. "Oh yeah, that's right. Go get someone."

Danny sighed, but nevertheless, lumbered out of the room and up the flight of stairs to the boat's main part. Once up there, he ambled over to Jack. "Can you ref the battle?"

Jack responded quickly, his voice shaking just a little. "Sure."

Jack followed Danny as he traveled back down stairs and into the room. Zane still stood there, a look of impatience on his face. "Took you long enough. Ah well. Let's get this show on the road."

Jack marched over to a spot near the middle of the room, while Danny got ready to battle,.

After Danny felt sure that he was ready, Jack called out, "Trainers, send out your Pokemon and get ready to battle."

***

Danny could sense the tension between him and Zane. He slowly pulled a Pokeball from a black belt wrapped around his waist. On the ball was a unique insignia: a simple, bright, red flame. Danny watched as Zane whispered something into his Wartortle's ear and motioned for it to walk up as his first Pokemon. Of course, Danny couldn't hear Zane's words, for they were so far apart to give room for their Pokemon to battle. Danny frowned, but threw out the Pokeball that had once been resting in his palm without a second thought.

Out popped a magnificient creature. It was a fiery canine, but it seemed to have an intelligent sense of reality, as if it could read your mind. It had beautiful, flaming red fur with pitch-black stripes going through it. Its front legs had tan, spiky fur poking out of the back. The back legs of this gorgeous creature were exactly the same, the only difference was that the tan fur on each leg was larger. That same colored fur covered its face and head, so long that it looked like the mutt had long hair laying on its back. Protruding from its bosom was a pale, very lightly bark-colored tail. This strange tail went up for awhile, but then traveled back down and soon ended, sort of like a lightning bolt.

Zane scoffed at the Pokemon. "An Arcanine? That's a Fire type Pokemon, stupid! My Wartortle could smother that dog of yours in less than five seconds!"

Danny responded calmy, for he had a stragetic plan in mind. "You'd be surprised by how much type advantage really matters in a battle."

Zane threw his head back and laughed loudly. Jack ignored this as he called out, "Begin battle!"

Zane stopped his chortling. His Wartortle immediately ran forward, even though Zane hadn't called a single command out.

Danny knew Zane would be up to something like this. He called out in a clear, calm voice, "Dodge it, Arcanine."

The amazing canine side-stepped the Wartortle's attack, missing him by inches.

Zane muttered some inaudible words, which Danny thought were profanity.

The Wartortle soon struggled back up onto its turtle legs. It turned around to face Arcanine angrily, but before it could do anything, though, Danny quietly spoke to Arcanine. "Take Down."

Arcanine obeyed. He swiftly moved forward like a cheetah going for its prey. He knocked headfirst into the Wartortle with incredible force. When he got up, he flinched a little, but the Wartortle was in a much worse condition.

It was hurt, no doubt about that. Its shell had cracked a little along the right-hand side. Its mouth was open widely, and its eyes were closed in a way that implied it had just been knocked out.

Jack walked over, with Danny and Zane by his side. He examined the Wartortle carefully, and then finally announced, "Zane's Wartortle has been knocked out. Victory goes to Danny."

Danny felt a surge of pleasure, but tried to contain it. Zane stomped angrily back to his original spot, face red with rage. "Don't think this is over yet, Danny! I'm just getting started!"
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Jolty Jolteon; 01-02-2010 at 09:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-02-2009, 11:47 PM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island(Story Deal)[not ready for grading yet]

***

Danny could sense the tension between him and Zane. He slowly pulled a Pokeball from a black belt wrapped around his waist. On the ball was a unique insignia: a simple, bright, red flame. Danny watched as Zane whispered something into his Wartortle's ear and motioned for it to walk up as his first Pokemon. Of course, Danny couldn't hear Zane's words, for they were so far apart to give room for their Pokemon to battle. Danny frowned, but threw out the Pokeball that had once been resting in his palm without a second thought.

Out popped a magnificient creature. It was a fiery canine, but it seemed to have an intelligent sense of reality, as if it could read your mind. It had beautiful, flaming red fur with pitch-black stripes going through it. Its front legs had tan, spiky fur poking out of the back. The back legs of this gorgeous creature were exactly the same, the only difference was that the tan fur on each leg was larger. That same colored fur covered its face and head, so long that it looked like the mutt had long hair laying on its back. Protruding from its bosom was a pale, very lightly bark-colored tail. This strange tail went up for awhile, but then traveled back down and soon ended, sort of like a lightning bolt.

Zane scoffed at the Pokemon. "An Arcanine? That's a Fire type Pokemon, stupid! My Wartortle could smother that dog of yours in less than five seconds!"

Danny responded calmy, for he had a stragetic plan in mind. "You'd be surprised by how much type advantage really matters in a battle."

Zane threw his head back and laughed loudly. Jack ignored this as called out, "Begin battle!"

Zane stopped his chortling. His Wartortle immediately ran forward, even though Zane hadn't called a single command out.

Danny knew Zane would be up to something like this. He called out in a clear, calm voice, "Dodge it, Arcanine."

The amazing canine side-stepped the Wartortle's attack, missing him by inches.

Zane muttered some inaudible words, which Danny thought were profanity.

The Wartortle soon struggled back up onto its turtle legs. It turned around to face Arcanine angrily, but before it could do anything, though, Danny quietly spoke to Arcanine. "Take Down."

Arcanine obeyed. He swiftly moved forward like a cheetah going for its prey. He knocked headfirst into the Wartortle with incredible force. When he got up, he flinched a little, but the Wartortle was in a much worse condition.

It was hurt, no doubt about that. Its shell had cracked a little along the right-hand side. Its mouth was open widely, and its eyes were closed in a way that implied it had just been knocked out.

Jack walked over, with Danny and Zane by his side. He examined the Wartortle carefully, and then finally announced, "Zane's Wartortle has been knocked out. Victory goes to Danny."

Danny felt a surge of pleasure, but tried to contain it. Zane stomped angrily back to the his spot, face red with rage. "Don't think this is over yet, Danny! I'm just getting started!"

***

Danny smirked a bit, but prevented himself from getting a hot-head. I'm going to have to work this out calmly if I have any hope of winning....

Jack interrupted his thoughts as he called out, “Trainers, send your next Pokemon out, please. If you don't win this time, Zane, then you've lost the battle.”

Zane scowled and quickly pulled a Pokeball out of a strap wrapped around his belt, which was basically the same as Danny's, except that it was a light maroon color. He threw it toward the smooth, polished floor of the room.

Out popped a very strange Pokemon. It looked like a karate crazy maniac, or at least from Danny's point of view. It was a dim brown, with long, heavily bandaged legs. The heels of its strong feet had a tiny, yellow circle on them. Sharp, short claws stuck out of the front of its feet. Its arms were just as bandaged as its legs. Its shoulders were massive, much larger than any human being's. Instead of five fingers, it had three, long, freaky fingers on its hands. It didn't have a head, more of a bump. It didn't even have a nose, or mouth. The only thing that implied that it had some sort of face were the crimson red eyes that poked out of the tiny bump.

Danny surveyed the Pokemon. After a few moments, he remembered what it was.

“A Hitmonlee?”

“Zane's lips twitched, but he said nothing. Danny narrowed his eyes,. Nevertheless, he didn't let his mind wander off as he pulled another Pokeball out of yet another strap on his belt. The Pokeball had a different insignia: a green leaf that looked absolutely beautiful. He smiled a bit as he threw it out onto the floor.

A creature that looked more like a giant, just budding flower more than anything else emerged from the ball. It had four, short, stubby, legs, the foot of each one had spiky claws sticking out. Its body was in the shape of a small dinosaur, a light, teal color with dark, green spots all over it. Its lips were long, and it let its teeth poke out in a menacing way. Its eyes were a deep shade of magenta. Its cute, pointy ears did nothing to change the fact that this creature had to be powerful. Emerald leaves stuck out of its back, a huge, hot-pink bud sitting in the middle of them.

Zane stared wide-eyed at the Pokemon for a second, but quickly composed his face. Jack looked around to see that both Danny and Zane were ready, and then called out, “Begin!”

***

Danny watched Zane warily. Zane grinned wickedly and quickly called out, “Let's start off with a Close Combat, shall we, Hitmonlee?”

Zane's Hitmonlee obeyed without hesitating a bit. He raced forward, swiftly, across the room toward Ivysaur. Danny watched, closely, as Hitmonlee reached Ivysaur. He quickly threw punches and kicks all over Ivysaur. Both Zane and Jack had confused looks plastered on their faces as they watched Danny stand by and let his Ivysaur get completely beat up without even trying to help. After a few moments, Hitmonlee stopped and examined his oppenent.

What nobody, except for maybe Danny, expected was Hitmonlee to be tied up in grassy knots, each twisting around with another in a serpent-like way. Zane was horror-struck, and Jack was bewildered, his lips open in the shape of a perfect O. Danny smirked slightly as he commanded, “Vine Whip 'im, Ivysaur.”

Right when it seemed like Danny would win the fight, though, a large horn sounded. Danny, Jack, and even Zane looked up in alarm. “We'd better get back up there,” muttered Jack. He shuffled out of the room. Danny stared after him for a short while, but then realized what must be happening. He returned Ivysuar back to its Pokeball and left a confused Zane in the room.

He flew up the stairs at a very fast speed, taking each step three at a time. After a few moments, he reached the top, and when he looked outside, his eyes opened in wonder, and his mouth fell open.

Outside, there was a beautiful island set in front of them. The ground was covered in soft, dirty sand, the kind you'd expect at any island. There were seashells, beach toys, and many of the other things you can expect to be laying on the shore of an island, lying down on the sand. The breathtaking sun made little glimmers on the waves of the absolutely blue waters, moving to and fro gently in the island's soft breeze. There were small, wooden huts sitting around on the sand. Each had a door that had its hinges stuck to the middle of one side of the tiny space it was confined to stay in, so that it would swing when anyone entered the hut. Beyond all of this, was a fog so thick, you couldn't see a thing.

“Welcome to Camelot Island.”

Last edited by Jolty Jolteon; 01-01-2010 at 10:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-17-2009, 02:39 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [Story Deal]

Chapter 2: The Castle and its Secrets


Danny spun around. Standing there was no-one but Mike , smiling ominously. Danny narrowed his eyes, and, not wanting to beat around the bush, said, “Camelot Island? I thought we were going to Cinnabar.”

Mike answered back quickly, “Well......Camelot Island is much better than Cinnabar, and I thought you might like it better.”

Danny narrowed his eyes suspicously, but had no time to say anything, for right then, he felt the fast wind of something swish past him and a large clunk.

He turned around quickly and stared in horror at the figure standing before him.

The figure was strange. It had jet-black hair that pointing all over the place like spikes, and emerald green eyes. It had an onyx black suit of armor on. On the cold armor were intricate designs of red animals, such as dragons and tigers. It had a lime green shield with a gold border. On it were six designs of a Pokeball, all in a row. Its right palm was clasped around a sharp sword. Th sword had a golden hilt with a ruby embedded into it. The man was obviously heavy-set: he had large hand muscles, but that was all they could see of his bare skin, except for his face, for the rest of his body was in the armor.

The man stared angrily down at Danny. Jack and Sara watched the scene, obviously horror-struck, a few feet away, but Zane was doing otherwise. He ran around the shore, poking his head into the hut doors, most likely searching for the best house.

Danny thought fast, and swiftly shuffled past the man as quickly as he could. Mike's face turned from an ominous smile into a small frown. Danny started running as quick as he could. He nodded to Jack an Sara as he passed them, and they followed him too. “After them!” yelled Mike, his rage building up. The man grinned evilly and started to chase the group. Danny knew he might regret this later, but he looked inside the huts very briefly before fully passing them, searching for Zane. When they were near the end of the last row of huts, Danny saw a figure inside one of the huts walking around the room. He stopped himself while holding onto the shoulders next to him of Jack and Sara. He hurriedly ran into the hut, Jack and Sara trailing behind him. Danny was a bit surprised once he had entered the front room.

It was gorgeous, or at least it looked like that to Danny. It certainly fit the title of a sea-side hut: a small, wooden coffee table stood near the right, lowest corner of the room, a long, couch consisting of bamboo branches stood to the right of it. Three, amazing serene spathiphlyllums sat in plain, white pots on top of three, tiny palm stands at each corner of the room, other than the corner near where the table and couch were placed. The smooth, clear, wooden floor shone beautifully in the bright, sunlight that filtered in through two small, simple windows at the center of the wall on the left-hand side of the room. There was a back door exactly like the front door at the back of the room, near the right hand wall. That was all there was to it, but it was still as pretty as can be, for some odd reason.

Zane turned to the group, obviously surprised, but Danny didn't notice this as he hurriedly ran across the room. He grabbed Zane's elbow a bit reluctantly and ran out the back door. Jack and Sara were, of course, following them at almost the same, fast pace. Danny glanced back inside the hut before running even faster than before: the man was lumbering through the front door.
The group ran faster than they had ever before in their entire lives, feet pounding the sand like crazy. Danny felt a surge of fear as he and the others ran past the last few huts and through the think fog that had once shielded the rest of the island from their eyes.

There was a small, mossy tree stump standing right in front of the group. It looked very peaceful over the glistening, velvety grass that covered the ground. There were a few tall pines a little ways off, dark, brown bark and soft, emerald leaves beautifully shining in the rays from the sunlight. Danny could tell it was about mid-day, if they had made it to their regular boat, they would have been at Cinnabar Island by now. He steadily walked toward the stump and stepped onto it as if it were a pedestal.

It was absolutely breathtaking. That was the only word that could describe it in an overall way. To put it simply, it was like a slightly smaller version of Camelot. Danny could see they were standing on the top of a huge hill overlooking the magnificence of the bustling city below. There were thousands of men and women down there, all yelling at each-other and moving around. There was a beautiful, tan-stoned castle in the distance, its many pointed towers made Danny very curious. There was a large stage down right in the center of the valley below. There was a very large man sitting on an amazing, marigold throne. He had super curly, light brown hair and dangerous, violet eyes. Atop of that messy hair of his was a golden crown. He was wearing what could be a knight's armor, it was exactly the shape and size of what seemed to be his subjects' below garb, except that everything was a deep silver, excluding for the crimson designs. He was slightly overlooking a large crowd of knights, both men and women. Each woman had the same armor and such as the men, except that their jet-black hair was put up into a small, curly, ball-like hairstyle atop their heads. The ground was just plain, tan-colored dirt; no grass whatsoever covering a single inch of it, although the land far in the distance had many blades of grass and oak trees surrounding it. I can see why they call this place Camelot Island now.....thought Danny grimly as he watched a large group of men just like the man that had been chasing them, not that far away from them either, walk north toward a large crowd of others who could be their clones.

There was also a man standing beside the throne-man. He had dark, scarlet hair and was dressed up in the same exact thing as everyone else(of course), except for the fact that all of his armor except for the Pokeball indentations was a deep, emerald. He had matching eyes that seemed understanding, but also too observant. He was standing beside the throne as if he were a friend of the man sitting on it.

After a few moments of staring at the beautifully amazing place below them, the group suddenly turned around.

The man wasn't there, but Danny had an ominous feeling settling down in the pit of his stomach. “Let's go....That guy will be here soon...”

Jack and Sara both nodded in unison, but Zane stayed out where he was. Danny narrowed his eyes, but sighed anyways and said, “Zane, if you stay here, you're gonna get killed, or something like death. If you come with us, then you'll more than likely survive.”

Just like Danny had done only a few seconds before, Zane sighed and marched toward the group. Danny nodded his agreement and walked downhill, toward the city below. He knew this would be extremely dangerous, but tried to somehow forget this fact as he trudged down the steep hill, Jack, Sara, and Zane following. After a while, they finally reached flat land. Sara was about to give out her joy, but Danny gave her a menacing glare that said all, and head off toward the crowd of people gathered around the throne. He knew these people would be just like the man before if they saw him, so he slipped in through the gaps in between people as he made his way toward the throne and its occupant.
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Jolty Jolteon; 01-01-2010 at 10:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-18-2009, 01:26 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [Story Deal]

***

Danny carefully headed toward the throne in hopes of some explanation for them being brought there. After just a few moments, he and the others reached the throne and, instead of trying to hide or anything of the like, they stood right in front of the man sitting in the throne. As soon as the knights saw them, they quieted down. The man in the throne stared at Danny, Jack, Sara and Zane for a few seconds, most likely examining these strange specimens that had just walked up to him. Danny knew this silence would last quite a while if he didn't do anything, so he spoke to the throne man. “Who are you?”

The throne man still stayed silent for a moment, staring into Danny's eyes. Then, he replied, “I am King Diablo, ruler of Camelot Island.”

Danny was very surprised, even though he had kinda guessed that this guy would most likely be a king, since he was sitting in a throne and seemed to be the leader of this giant crowd of knights. He spoke again, trying to read King Diablo's eyes while doing so. “Why did that man try to kill us?”

Danny knew this question would trigger something in the King's mind, but he firmly stood his ground. King Diablo continued to look into Danny's eyes before answering, “That was one of my soldiers. Your kind are not welcome here.”

Danny ignored King Diablo's unkind tone and spoke, “I think one of your kind brought us here in the first place.”

King Diablo looked away from Danny at this remark, and said after a few minutes, “He was ordered to. You are our slaves.”

As King Diablo said this, Danny felt a surge of panic, but kept himself calm. When King Diablo was finished with his say, Danny backed up a little. King Diablo raised his eyebrows, and quietly whispered, “Get them, Zeru.”

The man standing beside the throne nodded and replied quickly, “Yes sir.”

Danny knew this was trouble. He grabbed one of Jack and Sara's hands and ran for his life to the left. At this, the man named Zeru swung his sword; and missed Sara by inches. During all of this, Zane had just been standing in one place, barely paying any attention to what was happening. He suddenly noticed that the others were gone. He gave a little, fearful yelp and ran away from King Diablo and his followers with Danny, Jack, and Sara.

This whole time, the crowd of knights had been silent. Now that their king had ordered for one of their kind to chase after the “other-landers”, they felt the need to help, so they all screamed what sounded like a battle cry, and followed Zeru.

Danny, Jack, Sara, and Zane were running toward a side path that led away from the king and his followers, but Danny suddenly thought of something. He panted quietly, “Let's...go...through this side path....and then....once they get a little behind us.....we head toward the castle....”

Jack and Sara both nodded their full agreement, but Zane didn't. He thought this was a stupid idea, but he knew that King Diablo's soldiers would get them soon if they didn't do anything, so he reluctantly followed.

Of course, since the knights were all much older than Danny and the others, they were easily catching up to them. Danny became worried, but he shook off this feeling as he, Jack, Sara, and Zane ran into the cover of hundreds of trees.

The group panted terribly as they ran toward the castle. They could hear the thousands of stomps from the knights, but when Danny looked back for a split second, there was no-one that was right behind them or close.

It seemed like a hundred days until they finally reached the castle, when in reality, it was actually only a few minutes. The place was just like any other castle; huge, with many pointed towers all around the center. There were sloping lawns and flowerbeds everywhere around it. It was sort of like a haven; Danny felt that way immediately when he walked onto the grounds. It was a feeling more fit for a small, happy cottage in the woods. It was like you knew that once you walked into there, you'd be safe for all eternity.

However, he knew they had to make haste, so he kept running, despite the hurtful stitch in his chest. As usual, the others followed. They glanced behind themselves ever once in a while, but not a single soldier came lumbering out of the woods. They then finally reached the colossal, onyx black stone
double-doors that led to the inside of the castle. Danny turned to the others for support. All but Zane nodded and helped Danny push open the doors, wonder and curiosity taking up almost every inch of thought in each one's brain.

The interior was just as magnificent as the exterior. Its walls were the same, stony color, and there were thousands of different corridors and doors. When Danny looked toward the end of some of the corridors, he could see beautifully shaped balconies overlooking the wide expanse of land beyond them. The entrance hall ceiling had an amazing, golden chandelier. Thousands of tiny, sparkling diamonds hung on many hooks of the chandelier, shining brightly from the light that the chandelier itself gave off.

Jack and Sara marveled at everything, but Zane did otherwise. Once he saw the chandelier, he ran off down one of the corridors, delight at making money off some special treasure clearing showing on his face.

When Danny had saw that Zane had left, he went looking for him, running down many corridors, knowing that Zane might just blow their cover. Jack and Sara were still and silent by the chandelier, but, like Danny, once they saw that Zane was gone, they went searching for him. Soon, everybody was seperated due to the many paths that lead to every part of the castle, like a gigantic maze.

After about an hour of non-stop running, Danny could tell that it'd be almost immpossible to find one other person in a huge place like this. Nevertheless, he knew the only way home had to be around King Diablo and his followers, and if Zane found a special treasure, he would immediately blow their cover by doing something stupid, so he kept running around, even though his leg muscles screamed in protest, eyes frantically searching the area for some clue of where Zane may be.

Jack and Sara had become seperated over time. Jack was zomewhere around the east side of the castle. He didn't just go running around corridors. He WAS doing that, but he was also opening every single door he saw, knowing that Zane might hide in a closet or something if he heard footsteps coming near. Sara was doing the same exact thing as Jack, pretty much, except she was looking for antiques worth a great value too, just as Zane was doing, but her intentions were different. At one point, she had thought that she had caught Zane, but she quickly found out that it was just Jack running around a corner not too far away from her. After about half an hour of doing this, she became tired. It was true that she didn't run as fast as the others, but her feet were hurting more due to the fact that she was wearing sandals. She wrenched open the door closest to her and looked around inside.

It was a very wonderful room. Sara could obviously see that it was fit for royalty. It was about the size of the average living room, including all of the beautiful furniture. The carpeted floor was a deep shade of scarlet, whilest the walls and ceiling were a light shade of rusty brown, since they were the same exact stone that made up the castle. Over on the left hand side was a huge, oak dresser, with many drawers for storing stuff in. There was a plain, glass mirror over beside it, swinging on a marigold frame. One out of many of the balconies was placed completely oppoesite the entrance to this amazing room, overlooking the beautiful kingdom below. There was also a large,flaming red, queen-sized bed on the right hand side. It had a golden canopy hanging over it, like whoever slept in it would have their own personal sun hanging over them.

There was something very strange about this bed, though. Sara could see a small figure sitting on it, but she couldn't entirely make it out, for the canopy blanketed both the top of the bed and the foot of it. She silently pulled out a Pokeball from a pink, leather purse she had hidden from the others due to the fact that she had thought that Zane might try to steal from her since she had packed a large amount of cash in it. The Pokeball had a violet heart insignia on the top. She then cautiously moved toward the bed, eyes searching for some hint of what the figure may be, which never came. Finally, after a few suspenseful moments, she reached the foot of the bed. She quickly grabbed some of the canopy's fabric and pulled it aside to reveal who had been sitting on the bed.

It was a Pokemon; Sara was sure of that. It had a pair of stubby legs, the feet had only three long, claw-like toes. It had a very weird tail; one like that of a tyrannosaurus rex; fat and medium long with a brown spot almost right on the normal point at the end. The under part of its belly was plain yellow, as were the thin arms with three-clawed hands, the legs, the tail, and the head. The shoulders and upper part of the belly were a muddy brown. Its head looked very much like a cat's head; it had tiny, pointy ears and slits for eyes, and what could be a kitten's nose.

The Abra spoke, calmly and quietly. “I see you have come with your friends to hide from the evil King Diablo.”

Sara said nothing for a few moments, but understood what he was saying. He has psychic powers....thought Sara. She replied to the Abra, her voice shaking despite her efforts to make it sound cool and calm. “Who are you?”

The Abra replied with the tone that Sara had been trying to use just moments before. “I am a talking Abra. I am one of Queen Vivian's most trusted Pokemon.”

Sara questioned almost immediately after the talking Abra had said this. “Who's Queen Vivian?”

The talking Abra surprised Sara by sighing. “I need all of you here to tell my tale.” The talking Abra squeezed his eyes even more shut as if he were really concetrating on something, muttered a few words Sara couldn't make out, and Danny, Zane, and Jack suddenly appeared out of nowhere beside Sara.

“Woah!” exclaimed Jack, Danny, and Zane as they looked around the room. “How'd we get here?” questioned Jack.

The Abra turned to face Danny, Jack, and Zane, his small eyes still shut tight. “You are in a different part of the castle.”

Danny and the rest still stared at the Abra with questioning eyes. The Abra spoke again, “I am a talking Abra. My name is Doru. I was and still am one of Queen Vivian's most trusted Pokemon partners.”

Before the others could ask who Queen Vivian was, Sara said, “He said before you guys got here that he's going to tell us a story, so be quiet.” Sara had always loved history stories for some reason and never wanted to be interrupted when in the middle of hearing one.

Doru chuckled. “Yes. Everything will be revealed once I've told my tale.” At this, everyone became as still as a statue, suddenly intrigued by this “tale” this weird, talking Abra was speaking of.

Doru laughed softly. “Well, I guess I'd better start out from the very beginning.”

“Long ago, there was a deserted island in the middle of the sea. It was uncharted and no-one knew anything about it. There once was a man named Robert Waterstorm. He was an explorer, always journeying to new places to dicover never before told things. Once, he was traveling by in his ship, searching around to see if there was anything he could find that no-one else knew about. He explored the sea for many years, and near the end of his ocean travels, he came upon the island.”

“He knew it was uncharted and he was the only one who knew about it, so he didn't tell anybody about the island. Instead, he spent three years looking around the enormous island, studying its wildlife and other things. By now, he was on his late seventies. He knew his life was close to ending, due to never having the urge to explore anymore and due to the pain he received whenever doing anything at all, really. He didn't have any sons or wifes, and he knew all of his relatives had pretty much forgotten about him due to his only living relatives being cousins he had never even met who lived far, far away from where he was then. So he decided to use the last bit of money he had to create a landmark on the island. He bought supplies worth thousands of dollars and used them to create a castle. He worked on this castle for the rest of his life, even making a throne, crown, and other valuables to go inside of it.”

“This happened over a hundred years ago. It is said that Robert never wrote or told anyone anything about the island. Somehow, though, about twenty years ago, a man found out about it.”

This man's name was Diablo Dolorez. He was a greedy man, stealing and killing all the time. He dreamed of creating a empire to go against the government. He was a fugitive on the run, hiding at many different places. He never did get caught. One day, he chose to hide on a ship somewhere way out at sea. When he got out there, he found an island. He then explored the island for a short time. When he came upon the castle, he greedily began to live inside of it, living off of the thousands of coconuts and berries growing all around the island. He began to grow lonely, though, so he returned to land and married a wife by using an alias and changing his appearance and such majorly so that no-one would know who he was. He told his wife of this island and took her there. Her name was Vivian Vorz, a kind and brave woman who knew nothing about who her husband really was.”

“She was immediately elated at the sight of the island. She loved everything about it, the nature, the castle, everything. She told Diablo that she wanted to name it Camelot Island. He agreed immediately, for her idea gave him a very diabolic plan.”

“He told his wife he was going back to the mainland to get some supplies. She let him do so, and the chaos then began.”

“He kidnapped many many MANY men and women and turned them into slaves. He then broguth them back to the island, but didn't show Vivian. Instead, he told his slaves to act like they were attacking the castle. He returned to the castle and told Vivian that the evil Diablo had found out about the island and was coming with soldiers and other slaves to overrun them. Vivian called for them to flee to the basement. Diablo told her to go and do that while he would try to distract them from going near her, when he actually told them what to do. They captured Vivian and locked her up in a chamber. She had three Pokemon partners then; me, a Luvdisc, and a Leafeon. She sent for me to try and get Diablo out of there. That's when I found out the truth, and was captured.”

“I was locked up in what once was Queen Vivian's room. After awhile, King Diablo came to Vivian and told her the horrible truth. The reason he did all of this, no-one knows, but I suspect it was because he was so greedy and power-hungry that he decided to rule over a large piece of land and become a king. Now, he has sent for some of his slaves to capture innocent children and make them slaves too, no matter who they are.”

Danny interrupted Doru. “Are we going to try to overthrow the king and his army, or are we going to just escape?”

Doru lowered his head a bit as he replied, “Queen Vivian is dead, and there is no way to overthrow this large of an army, so we must escape and alert the authorities of this.”

Jack asked, “How are we going to get out of here?”

Doru replied quickly and lowered his voice. “They are coming near. They were just having an anniversary celebration down there and.....Anyways, I have seen some of the mainland before, so I will teleport all of us there. I'm sure the police will believe you once they hear me talk.”

Danny, Jack, and Sara nodded, while Zane just shuddered a bit and said nothing.

Doru suddenly faced the door and hissed, “We must make haste. Hide somewhere, now!”

The room wasn't much of a hding place, in the end, everyone except for Doru crowded under the bed, all fearful of what was to come next.
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Jolty Jolteon; 01-01-2010 at 10:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-18-2009, 01:38 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [Story Deal]

Chapter 3: Good Riddance, Camelot Island


One of the women knights entered the room. She looked around carefully, her eyes seeming to flash to the group's under the bed every split second. She seemed to stand there for hours, but it reality, it was only a few minutes. At one point, Danny had to cover Zane's mouth to keep him from screaming when she was about to look under the bed, but decided not to. In the end, she simply turned on her heels and left the room. Everyone waited a few moments, unsure if she had actually left, but after a few seconds, Doru called out quietly, “You may come out.”

The group panted a little from being under the dusty bed cramped together as they crawled roughly out. Once they were all standing up and ready to go, Danny glanced at Doru expectantly. Doru nodded and spoke to them, “There are protective powers and such placed all over the castle. King Diablo was smart enough to gather up all the Psychic type Pokemon of his slaves and make them guard the castle so that I couldn't escape.”

Everyone stood in silence for a moment, taking this all in. Then, Jack asked, “So.....what can we do to escape this horrible island?”

Doru thought for a moment, and then replied, “We're going to have to find a way around the knights and get out of the castle grounds.”

Everyone peeked out of the corner of their eyes to stare at one another, except for Zane that is. Instead, he looked at the balcony for a split second. Danny immediately turned his head toward Zane and questioned him warily. “Do you have an idea, Zane?”

Zane shook his head quickly and exclaimed in a quiet sort of way, “No! I mean, um, well.....yeah, I think so.”

Everyone watched Zane like a pack of wolves examining their prey. Zane's look of embarassment plastered on his face didn't surprise anyone. After a few moments, he mumbled, “I have a Skarmory that can fly us all off the balcony over there and keep going on until you give the signal for us to land.”

Danny, Jack, and Sara both gasped in surprise. Doru nodded respectfully at Zane and said, “Good idea, Zane. Please send out your Skarmory, and then we will all climb aboard it and take off.”

Zane nervously put his hand to his belt and pulled out one of the six Pokeballs. It had a beautiful insignia etched onto it; a steel wing. He then threw out the Pokeball onto the carpeted floor. The Pokeball opened at touch, a red flash of light popped out of it, which quickly formed into the shape of a bird.

It was a magnificent creature. It had a large, eagle-like body, and steel wings, one just normal, four steel feathers, whilest the other had one steel feather and three crimson-red feathers. An onyx tail protruded from its bosom, just like a normal, short tail, except for a circle-shaped curve that looked like a large chuck of the tail had been pulled out near where the tail started out. It had a multi-layered steel, very long neck and even longer legs. Its legs were almost as multi-layered as its neck, and dark feet with three, evilly sharp claws. Its head was pretty unnatural, it had beautifully golden eyes and what looked like a mask on the top of its head with a giant dinosaur-like curve on the top.

Doru climbed down from the bed. It looked so strange to the group to see him walk, he was like some mutant swamp creature walking toward the Skarmory. He grabbed its wings and sat himself on it, near the front.

Everybody else did the same, the order was; Doru in the front, Zane behind him, Danny seated behind Zane, Sara seated behind Danny, and Jack in the back. Zane leaned forward and whispered into the Skarmory's ear, “Go to that balcony over there and jump off of it. Keep flying south until this Abra tells you to stop.”

The Skarmory shrieked, and immediately took off. Danny felt like he was about to fall off from the abrupt way that the Skarmory took off, however, he felt much better once he saw how they were flying.

They were soaring above Camelot Island, Skarmory gracefully beating its wings in a wonderful motion. The many white, fluffy clouds in the sky seemed to be floating right above their heads,; it was simply amazing. They kept going on like this for what seemed like a very long time. Danny loved the feeling like it was a bottle of champagne. After a few moments, though, the ride ended. Danny barely heard Doru call out, “Now!” and they were suddenly dropping down toward what now looked like menacing dirt. It seemed like they would die, would hit the ground too hard, would-

Skarmory landed elegantly upon the horrible dirt as if the Pokemon was a ballerina. It hunched down, and evrybody who climbed off, except for Doru and Zane, were dizzy and almost tripped. Doru let them regain their senses for a moment before speaing, “Alright. Now grab my hands, and we'll-”

He was cut off by the sound of a thousands feet stamping and many cries and yells. Everybody turned around to see every single one of Diablo's knights running toward them. Danny cursed silently and yelled, “We've got to go, NOW!”

Everybody immediately grabbed one of Doru's hands and as he yelled, “TELEPORT!” Danny could see all of the knights coming closer and closer toward them. He shut his eyes, and instantly felt a surge of exhaustion. However, he wasn't afraid of falling asleep, and kept his eyes shut. After a few minutes, the feeling suddenly left, and Danny looked around.

They were back at the harbor where Danny, Jack, and Sara had missed their boat to Cinnabar Island. It was exactly as they had left it; nobody was around, it was only them, except for Doru and Zane, that is. He grinned triumphantly as he watched Sara jump up in glee and let out a joyful squeal, Jack nod, smile, and hive him a thumbs-up, and Zane nod in his direction, but not do anything else. Then, he finally looked toward Doru.

Doru had an amazing expression on his face that Danny did not expect at all; a look of pain, mixed with great emotion and joyfulness. Danny simply stared at Doru for a few moments, trying to judge his expression. Doru unexpectedly turned around and faced Danny, looking straight into his eyes and said, “Danny. I would....like to join you on your adventures.”

Danny's look of surprise matched everyone else's at Doru's words. After a few seconds, Danny replied shakily, “But....why?”

Doru laughed a bit and spoke, “I have seen you, Danny, and I have looked into everyone's mind here. I know I MUST travel with you. Besides, since Queen Vivian is dead, I need a new trainer. So, may I join you on your Pokemon journey throughout the lands?”

THE END
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Jolty Jolteon; 01-01-2010 at 10:03 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-31-2009, 04:53 AM
GallantlyGlaceon's Avatar
GallantlyGlaceon Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: A little place I like to call home.
Posts: 955
Send a message via Skype™ to GallantlyGlaceon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [Story Deal]

Danny says yes, then it's a capture.
Danny says no, then it's no capture.
__________________
Quote:
[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-07-2010, 01:30 PM
Splishee Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: WHAT?!
Posts: 1,923
Send a message via AIM to Splishee
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [WWC]

You've been waiting a while, haven't you? I'll grade this for ya! :]

EDIT: Done!

Grade

Plot

Three friends head to Cinnabar island for a vacation, but miss the boat so these sinister guys offer them a ride. One of the friends, Danny, encounters another boy on the boat named Zane, and they battle for some time but are interrupted when the boat arrives at Camelot instead of Cinnabar. They get scared of the scary men who want to kidnap them so they run, and run into King Diablo - the ruler of Camelot Island. He orders his soldiers against them, so they run into the castle for refuge. Sara goes into a royal bedroom and discovers a talking Abra, OMG! The Abra tells them his story and how King Diablo is a really bad guy who wants to kidnap children and make them their slaves. So they escape the island on Zane’s Skarmory, and then Abra’s teleport, and Abra asks Danny to join him on his adventures.

First off - you repeated the Arcanine vs. Wartortle battle twice. Once in the first post, and then again in the second post. I won’t penalise you for it, but just try to remember to look over your story after you’ve posted it! It can save a lot of embarrassing things like that happening, that’s for sure. :P

Now, about the plot. The whole plot just seemed… weird. Like, there wasn’t much going on and everything that did happened seemed a bit… random. Like the plot wasn’t going anywhere. Firstly, why did you bother telling that whole story about King Diablo and then just have the kids flee the island rather than try and stop the horrible things happening? It was such an anti-climatic ending, that’s all.

The plot also seemed random because the things that happened had no relevance to the ending. For example, Zane and Danny’s battle. Why? There was absolutely no point to it. It seemed like an excuse for a battle, really.

Introduction

The introduction is just kind of ‘meh’ to me. You had some humour at the start and a pretty good beginning plot wise with the kids rushing to miss the boat, but otherwise it didn’t quite manage to hook me in in the way that a great introduction succeeds in doing. Great intros start off with something quirky or interesting which make the reader interested in the story and develop a hunger to read more; not that your introduction didn’t make me want to read the story, but developing writing skills in hooks is a great skill to learn.

Also, what I found a little odd was your introduction of the characters. I understand that characters all have history, but as soon as the story started (well a few paragraphs in) you just shot through their biographies - bang, bang, bang. It was very overwhelming and didn’t flow with the story at all; my top priority with story writing is the fluidity of the writing and plot advancements. The kids missed the boat and then suddenly we had their life stories forced upon us. It was daunting and made me a little bored with the story.

It’s great to have characters with a backstory, as it gives them more depth, but often it pays off to introduce the character’s personality and faults and then give their back story later on as a sort of explanation for the character’s weaknesses and the way they have become. It adds great emotional depth to a story, but just throwing out biographies in the introduction just makes the characters seem a little bland and not interesting. Yah?

Just some food for thought. ^^

Length

50 k for a 20-30 k mon?! Wowee, you sure are dedicated. You could have gone for two Hard mons, do you realise this? Otherwise, this was fantastic. Just keep in mind that creating a massive story doesn’t guarantee you the capture. There are plenty of other factors in a story to consider. :P

Grammar

Wow, your grammar was basically flawless. Damn, really. Excellent grammar most of the time. Hardly any complaints. Just 2 things:

Quote:
“So.....what can we do to escape this horrible island?”
You did this a lot of times. Whenever you use ellipses (…) you only need to use 3. Don’t use more than three dots. :P

Quote:
“She was immediately elated at the sight of the island. She loved everything about it, the nature, the castle, everything. She told Diablo that she wanted to name it Camelot Island. He agreed immediately, for her idea gave him a very diabolic plan.”

“He told his wife he was going back to the mainland to get some supplies. She let him do so, and the chaos then began.”
When paragraphing speech, you don’t need the closing speech mark on the end of the paragraph. It should be:

Quote:
… She told Diablo that she wanted to name is Camelot Island. He agreed immediately, for her idea gave him a very diabolic plan.

“He told his wife…
Yah? ^^

Other than that… you had a lot of typos. A LOT. I’m not going to give some, because I want to make you go back through your story and fix ‘em up for the sake of learning from one’s mistakes. ^^

Really. Simply reading through your story after you finish it can prevent a lot of embarrassing mistakes such as typos and repeating entire excerpts (the Arcanine/Wartortle battle :P)

EXCELLENT GRAMMAR HOWEVER. Apart from those things. :]

Description

I’m kind of at a crossroads as for what I think about your description. For the most part, you have an excellent vocabulary and do a very good job in describing things that your characters see and experience. However, on the other hand, your descriptions are just so… bland. Short, choppy sentences with plain adjectives. Half the fun of reading is being able to be shown a description of something with vivid, flowing language that is food for the senses (describing what they hear, see, feel, etc.) and using metaphors and similes to convey an image. Have you tried using ‘figurative language’? It’s when you write using language that contains metaphors, similes and extensive descriptions (eg: ‘her face was as delicate and soft as an angel’s, and she walked with a certain elegance that it seemed soft, feathery wings would sprout from her back at any second.’ Stuff like that.)

For example, the way you described every character was something like this: (this is how you described Jack)

Quote:
He was wearing casual, denim, blue jeans with a ruby red shirt. He had huge muscles, earned by heavy weight-lifting.
See what I mean? You’re just listing what your characters look like, leaving nothing to the imagination or any language that is flowing or just feels nice to read. Here’s an example of something I’m talking about:

“ Danny stared at Jack with exasperation, and Jack returned the look just as forcefully. He swept his muscular arms across his shirt, the startling colour of rubies, and began to tap absent-mindedly on his legs which were covered by casual denim jeans. He was the ultimate picture of boredom, standing there; he would look boring as well if not for his flaming red hair being toussled softly by the wind. “

See how that’s more flowing and gives more food for the senses? I’m not saying that every single thing you describe should be like this - of course not! That grows daunting for the reader. But whenever you decide to describe something significant you should make sure to work on your descriptive skills. :]

The weird thing is: you described a lot of things exactly like that! Such as Arcanine and the hut. Beautiful descriptions, and I’m really impressed with the ones you managed to pull of excellent writing in. Consistency with this across most descriptions would be excellent though.

However, I think I may be being a little hard on you. Your descriptions were actually quite good, and I loved the types of adverbs you used. Like I said above: Arcanine descriptions and the Huts - however unnecessary and story-bloating as they may be. Try to describe only the necessary things, too. Also, your vocabulary is pretty good - heck, it’s great - in some parts, though in other parts it’s lacking. You need to be consistent with your description to make the story an all-rounded great thing!

Battle

For any story to pass, you need the Pokemon to battle. You need the Pokemon being captured to battle someone, one way or another. I’m sorry, but I cannot pass this story unless you allow Abra to battle.

He doesn’t have to battle Danny - Abra could possibly battle one of the guards’ Pokemon on the way out as they try to stop them?

Overall

Your grammar was excellent, your description was adequate for a Hard Pokemon and your length was outstanding… but, sorry, but the lack of Abra battling makes me unable to give you a pass on this story. Want my advice? Just add in a battle scene where Abra is battling someone, and make it as vivid and great as you described the battles between Zane and Danny. If you can do that for me, I’ll give you a re-grade and you can be sure that it will be a pass. :]
__________________
Laptop died. Using phone.

Last edited by Splishee; 01-07-2010 at 02:32 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-13-2010, 06:57 PM
EmBreon's Avatar
EmBreon Offline
Killjoy
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: <insert funny>
Posts: 4,492
Send a message via AIM to EmBreon Send a message via MSN to EmBreon
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [WWC]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splishee View Post
Battle

For any story to pass, you need the Pokemon to battle. You need the Pokemon being captured to battle someone, one way or another. I’m sorry, but I cannot pass this story unless you allow Abra to battle.

He doesn’t have to battle Danny - Abra could possibly battle one of the guards’ Pokemon on the way out as they try to stop them?

Overall

... sorry, but the lack of Abra battling makes me unable to give you a pass on this story. Want my advice? Just add in a battle scene where Abra is battling someone, and make it as vivid and great as you described the battles between Zane and Danny. If you can do that for me, I’ll give you a re-grade and you can be sure that it will be a pass. :]
I hate to override this, but these statements aren't true. At least not anymore. We changed this a long time ago. I'm not sure if it's still written somewhere in the rules (I'll have to go double-check), but the attempted Pokemon capture does not have to participate in a battle to pass. There doesn't have to be any kind of battle whatsoever if that is what the author wishes. We try to give writers as much freedom as possible, with no limitations on story content.

The grade outcome should be determined by the overall story itself, not technicalities. There really aren't any requirements apart from length and the involvement of the Pokemon some way or another.

So seeing as that was the only thing preventing you from passing this, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Abra is captured.

Sorry about that, Splish. And enjoy your Abra, Valiantly Vaporeon.
__________________

Last edited by EmBreon; 01-13-2010 at 07:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-14-2010, 01:19 PM
Splishee Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: WHAT?!
Posts: 1,923
Send a message via AIM to Splishee
Default Re: The Trials of Camelot Island [WWC]

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmBreon View Post
I hate to override this, but these statements aren't true. At least not anymore. We changed this a long time ago. I'm not sure if it's still written somewhere in the rules (I'll have to go double-check), but the attempted Pokemon capture does not have to participate in a battle to pass. There doesn't have to be any kind of battle whatsoever if that is what the author wishes. We try to give writers as much freedom as possible, with no limitations on story content.

The grade outcome should be determined by the overall story itself, not technicalities. There really aren't any requirements apart from length and the involvement of the Pokemon some way or another.

So seeing as that was the only thing preventing you from passing this, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Abra is captured.

Sorry about that, Splish. And enjoy your Abra, Valiantly Vaporeon.
Oh, really? Gosh, I'm dreadfully sorry. I'm not too sure when this rule was changed but I've always graded stories in this way after reading that it was a rule somewhere. Woops.

Sorry about that, Vaporeon! And sorry Emma, xD.
__________________
Laptop died. Using phone.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:26 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com