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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-02-2009, 08:58 AM
Neltharion_deathwing's Avatar
Neltharion_deathwing Offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,540
Default Safari Trouble (Ready for grade)

Target: Venonat
Characters: 11,636

Chapter 1

"We'll have to keep your Pokemons with us before you go into the park," said one attendant by the counter as she offered me a basket for me to put my Pokeballs in, which I did, though with much reluctance.

This day, I was in Fuschia City, the only town in my region where there was a safari zone for trainers to enter and catch Pokemons at a small fee. It was also the city which houses the Poison specialist gym, with Koga being the gym leader here.

The sun was shining relatively brightly this day, with clouds occasionally blocking the light as they traveled along with the wind. It was not a hot day but not a relatively cool one either, a sort of in between the two weathers. The female attendant in front of me had a warm smile to her face, as she kept the basket with my Pokeballs on it. She was dressed in a green uniform, like the other attendant right next to her who was busy keying some details into the computer. At the back of the counter which the both of them were in, was a shelf where many green colored Pokeballs were arranged and placed neatly.

The female attendant carefully picked out thirty of those and had it placed in a small bag, which she then offered me.

"Within this bag are thirty safari balls, the only balls allowed within the zone. You're not allowed to damage any of the Park's property and we'll inform you when your time is up, so till then, enjoy yourself," she said.

With that, I nodded in acknowledgement and took the bag she had passed it to me and headed for the exit in the opposite direction, the entrance towards the safari zone...



"Useless fools!" a voice exclaimed out. It belonged to that of Giovanni, a boss of a secret society within the Pokemon World. They called themselves Team Rocket and were notoriously known for their actions to rob innocent Trainers of their Pokemons whenever they deemed fit. The police force, comprising of only Officer Jennys were unable to do much given Team Rocket's numbers and hence they would often go off unpunished.

"We're sorry, master. B...But we tried our best," replied Jessie, leader of trio which comprised of James and Meowth, her talking Pokemon partner. They kneel and cowed in front of their leader, raging at their previous failures to catch any Pokemons of value.

The large figure stood up from his seat. His hair, though usually neat and combed in a though retro but relatively handsome fashion, looked as though steam could be seen rising from amidst the hair strands. Such was the fury of a society's big boss. Dressed in his favorite orange coat, he placed a hand on top of his Persian's head, which purred in return.

Jessie tried to look up to catch a glimpse of Giovanni's face but spotted instead the shiny ring on his finger which reflected a ray of light straight into her eyes, causing her to blink and shut here eyes immediately.

"You have one last chance to atone for your mistakes," finally said the demanding figure, standing still at his position.

"What is it, boss? We'll do anything," replied James frantically, his voice having a high pitch that could serve to irritate sometimes.

"Yes, we'll do anything," seconded Jessie who was now on all fours, begging to listen what their leader would want them to do.

"You know about Safari Zone... Don't you?" asked Giovanni though it sounded more like a rhetorical one. He let a grin slipped past his lips as he turned his head to look at the trio.

"You...You mean the one at Fuschia City?" answered James, trembling in fear when Giovanni was looking their way. The purple haired man had seldom talked to Giovanni, facing him eye to eye, but everytime he does, he finds himself, trembling in fear and careful with what he says.

"What else?!" Giovanni answered, sounding as furious as can be. He was just about to continue saying something when Jessie cut him off,

"Of course we know about Safari Zone, boss," interrupted Jessie, who was sounding more confident with what she was saying. Nevertheless, the pink haired lady was having the same jitters as James did, only... concealing it better.

"Then do what you must," replied Giovanni as he cleared his throat and waved a hand for them to be dismissed.

The trio stood up from their positions, bowed and left the place silently, keeping their heads low till they caught no glimpse of their boss. They got their instructions and now had to figure a way how to fulfill the instructions to the fullest.

But within the room, the room where the trio had just left, remained Giovanni. He turned to looked at the portrait behind the seat. The trio was actually of insignificance, he wondered why he even bothered to ask them to do anything. Staring at the portrait behind him, he muttered a few words to himself.

"My dream will soon be realized," said Giovanni as he broke into a sinister laugh after that...



Minutes past as I first entered the Safari Zone. To my right, I could see a forest, to my left some wet marshlands. And to my front was nothing but plains. Fortunately the weather had been kind to me. Enough sunlight for me to travel safely within the park and cooling temperatures for me to enjoy this experience better.

I could already spot Pokemons from where I was standing, which was not far from where I just entered. Rhyhorns, large rhinoceroses with metal plates all over its body rather than fur and hair, were taking slow walks on the plains. Some were in pairs while some alone, grazing on whatever little grass they could find. How these ferocious looking creatures were in fact herbivorous puzzled me but I dismissed it as nothing important to know.

I walked to the right, to where the forest housed many other species of Pokemons. Here, life thrived on the fruits and berries which trees and plants on the ground provided. One could hear the cries of birds, of monkeys as serenity and beauty filled the forest.

Just then...

"THUD!" I heard a loud noise, resembling that of a large tree falling. This was followed by the cries of Pokemons, some of them which I could recognized as the cries of Pokemons such as Rattatas and Pidgeys.

I followed the noise and rushed towards the scene and was shocked yet excited to meet a Pinsir in action, chopping down trees with ease using the pair of sharp pincers at the top of its head. Its brown body looked more like armor than flesh and meat and it had a strange looking mouth with sharp teeth growing sideways.

But what had caused it to react in such a manner? I always thought park Pokemons were trained and made docile before it was allowed to roam in the park. This one obviously did not look like it. In any case, I had to stop it before it destroyed more of the homes of the Pokemons living here. I felt my waist, eager to summon one of my Pokemons to battle it. There was nothing around my waist as I frantically tried to reach for one.

"Oh drats, I've left all of them at the counter," I muttered to myself.

{PINSIR!} cried out the raging Pinsir as it suddenly caught sight of me. It gave a death stare as if I had done all sorts of wrong towards it and had its pincers pointed at me. Surrounding it now were fallen trees and dead leaves which I hoped could act as a blockage or at least provided some inconvenience for the Pinsir to come charging at me.

I looked for anything weapon I could find to use in defense. All I could find were rocks and twigs. Surely I was not expected to use all this to defend myself against such a powerful foe. I took the walkie talkie up, supposedly to be only used if I wanted to end my journey early, but this was a case of emergency. I took it up and was just about to press some buttons when the Pinsir suddenly moved.

{PINSIR!!} it cried out loudly as it charged towards me, pincers at work and cutting down anything and everything in its path. Tree barks flew in the air upon the impact of the crash and cut, as leaves rustled amidst the chaos. There was not enough time for me to inform the attendants now and all I could now was to run. Yet I could move my feet. They stood frozen at where I was standing. I struggled with my inner fear and the desire to move, as cold sweat of nervousness began trickling down my forehead. I was going to die here, I was almost certain of it. An experience for fun had turned out horribly wrong.

Then all of a sudden, a mysterious helper appeared beside me. The Pinsir was glowing, to my eyes' disbelief, and almost immediately, it was thrown backwards causing it to land hard onto the ground. I turned my head to the being standing beside me. At first glance, it did not look like anything as awesome as a Pinsir. It was practically a purple blob of hair, with two feelers extending out of its head.

At second glance, I realized what had just helped me. It had eyes akin to those of a fly's and small snout with two small fangs at each side. Its hands and legs were small and tiny and it moved by hoping. It was a Venonat, native to the Safari Zone as well.

{Veno!} it called out, facing me, giving me a look which made me feel as though it wanted me to control it. The Pinsir was already picking itself up and was looking at what had done that to it. Managing another battle cry, it charged at us again.

{Ve! Veno!} it said again. I nodded, and hoped my intuitions were not wrong.

"Try sleep powder!" I commanded my new ally, pointing a finger at the incoming Pinsir.

{Veno!} it replied loudly in acknowledgement. The Venonat hopped forward and started shaking vigorously. Large amount of shimmering powder appeared as the abundant purple fur swayed in the air.

Blinded by rage, the Pinsir had not noticed the move that Venonat had executed. It inhaled large amount of the powder and I could see its movement slowing down. It was now only a few steps away from approaching us, but its movements were now so slow it was just so open to further attacks by me. Then, it finally stopped and fell to the ground, the effects of the move by Venonat taking effect.

The Venonat looked at my direction, waiting for the next instruction. It seemed to have made me its owner.

"Thats enough for today. Thanks for your help," I told the Venonat as I approached the sleeping Pinsir. Where its nose was, I could never figure that out but I thought I could at least try to find out what was caused it to be so worked up. Behind me followed the Venonat, probably having the same questions in its head. Then I spotted something on its leg.

There was a bleeding wound on its right thigh, though not serious enough to have cause any serious damage or cripple it. Yet, Pokemons getting wounds were as common as people falling ill, it should not be the reason behind its fury. I examined the wound, something about it did not look right. It was not one caused by nature or a fellow Pokemon. Instead, on closer look, it looked like a wound caused by a bullet, it was an injury caused by a human. No wonder it was so mad at me, it must have thought I was out to harm it as well.

"Looks like we have got trouble on our hands," I muttered to myself, squatting down to feel the wound for myself. Blood had stopped flowing out of it already.

{Veno! Ve! Veno...Nat!} said the Venonat beside me. It looked like it was beckoning me to capture it as it pointed at my bag with its tiny hands.

"You sure you want to do this? This could be very troublesome, you know," I asked Venonat, taking a ball out of my bag and offering it to the little bug Pokemon.

The Venonat stared at me for a while before, nodding and pressing on the button at the core of the ball. The ball opened and 'sucked' the Venonat into the ball. The ball shook as I awaited for the result...

Last edited by Neltharion_deathwing; 02-21-2010 at 08:55 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-25-2010, 06:44 PM
Elrond's Avatar
Elrond Offline
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Default Re: Safari Trouble (Ready for grade)

Introduction:

The introduction to this story fit the plot nicely. It wasn’t the most creative or enticing story beginning, but it made sense that a story about the Safari Zone should begin with the trainer entering the zone itself. For this reason, I think the situation itself was just fine. However, I would have liked to see more emotion from your trainer. One of the nice things about writing from the first person perspective is that you are able to get a vivid look at everything the main character feels. The only emotion that your main character showed, however, was “reluctance” in turning his Pokeballs over to the attendant at the front gate. Could you have expanded that emotion at all? For example, maybe the main character didn’t know he had to turn in his Pokemon, and is scared stiff by the thought of traveling into the Safari Zone without the help of his Pokemon, because he‘s young and only a new trainer himself. Or maybe he’s been working up the courage to take a trip in the zone, and turning his Pokemon over, while hard to do, makes the main character feel brave and independent, on top of the excitement and anticipation of the Safari Zone trek. Those are just two possible ways that you could create a personality that is a little more developed and a little more unique.

Characterization is a part of description/detail, but I put it here because I think that a character’s personality is one way that you can get a reader to keep reading. It’s by no means the only way, but the main character’s personality can often have a profound effect on the plot of a story [see: Shakespearean tragedies]. Overall, your introduction was pretty good, but this is one suggestion that I think can improve your writing.

Plot:

The plot of this story left me wondering one thing: Were you planning on continuing the story? I know that this story has been waiting a LONG time, which may have changed your mind about writing subsequent chapters, but the context in which you wrote the story is still important. This plot wasn’t bad, but it did end on sort of a strange note. You spent a lot of time (a little under a third of the story, character-wise) on Team Rocket, yet their only role in the overall plot of the story was to harm Pinsir. At least that’s what the reader is supposed to assume, anyway.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The end of the story leaves the reader in suspense, wondering what Team Rocket’s plan for the Pinsir (and the Safari Zone at large) is, and how it’s going to affect the main character. In my opinion, the plot of this story wasn’t particularly exciting, but I think that you’ve left the door open for a lot of creativity developing Team Rocket. I do hope that you continue this story, because I would enjoy reading more. Just do your best to be creative, however that pans out.

Detail/Description:

In general, I think your descriptions were fairly well done. I’d like to point out something, however.

Quote:
The sun was shining relatively brightly…
When you say “relatively brightly,” or use any other strings of adverbs ending in -ly, it can become a mouthful. “Relatively” is a word I overuse a lot myself. And yet, it doesn’t add much to the description. I mean, the sun can either be bright or dim. There’s not really a middle. There could be extremes, like “the sun shone blindingly,” but in this case, “brightly” doesn’t need to be modified by yet another adverb. It either is or it isn’t. You also used “relatively” to describe the temperature, which again, is better done in other ways. You’ve got freezing, chilly, cold, mild, warm, hot, or stifling, to describe temperatures, and I figure those seven words represent the basic spectrum of heat. So instead of saying “It was not a hot day but not a relatively cool one either, a sort of in between the two weathers,” you could have substituted the word “mild” and the reader would have known exactly what you meant. Remember that “more” description doesn’t always mean more words. Sometimes, you have to find the one perfect word for what you’re describing, and then you don’t need to use modifiers.

Another way to implement detail into your story is to use similes and metaphors. I didn’t see any of these in your story, but they might have been useful. For example:

Quote:
"What is it, boss? We'll do anything," replied James frantically, [b]his voice having a high pitch that could serve to irritate sometimes.[b]
The bolded part of this sentence sounds incredibly awkward, because it’s so wordy. This is a place where a simile may have served you well. Instead of that long-winded statement, you could have substituted something like this:

Quote:
"What is it, boss? We'll do anything," replied James frantically, his voice high-pitched like a whining dog‘s.
The nice thing about most similes is that the reader can usually relate to them. Most people know what a whining dog sounds like either from personal experience, or perhaps from TV or a movie, and they’ll know how it can be high-pitched and sometimes irritating.

Grammar:

Before I really get into things, I just wanted to mention that iirc, the plural of “Pokemon” is “Pokemon,” not “Pokemons.”

There were two things that brought your writing down in this section: tense disagreement and awkward sentence structures.

Quote:
1. This day, I was in Fuschia City, the only town in my region where there was a safari zone for trainers to enter and catch Pokemons at a small fee. 2. It was also the city which houses the Poison specialist gym, 3. with Koga being the gym leader here.

Blinded by rage, the Pinsir had not noticed the move that Venonat had executed. It inhaled large amount of the powder and I could see its movement slowing down. 4. It was now only a few steps away from approaching us, but its movements were now so slow it was just so open to further attacks by me. Then, it finally stopped and fell to the ground, 5. the effects of the move by Venonat taking effect.
The story is mostly written in past tense, but you often slipped accidentally into the present tense. These two quotes are prime examples of where you did so, and they also contain some awkward sentence structuring that I’d like to point out.

Let’s look at the first bolded portion: “This day, I was in Fuschia City…” You began the sentence with “This,” which, the way you used it, implies that you’re writing in the present tense. However, you’re writing in the past tense (as shown by your use of “was” immediately after), so “That day” would be more appropriate.

For the second bolded portion: “It was also the city which houses…” Again, you slipped into the present tense, with “houses.” You should instead use the past tense, “housed.”

3. This is just awkward. You could have replaced this entire sentence with “led by Koga.” The whole sentence would read “It was also the city that housed the Poison specialist gym, led by Koga.”

4. “It was now only a few steps away from approaching us, but its movements were now so slow it was just so open to further attacks by me.

When you use “now,” you’re slipping into the present tense. The past tense form would be “then,” but to be honest, you don’t need either in this case. The sentence makes just as much sense if you say, “It was only a few steps away from approaching us, but its movements were so slow…”

The other bolded portions in this sentence could be omitted as well because they don’t add anything to the description and are awkward.

5. “…the effects of the move by Venonat…” should be condensed to “the effects of Venonat’s move,” to avoid being wordy.

Here’s one more example of tense disagreement I found:

Quote:
The purple haired man had seldom talked to Giovanni, facing him eye to eye, but everytime he does, he finds himself, trembling in fear and careful with what he says.
When you said “every time he does, he finds himself…” you again used the present tense where it does not belong. These should be “did” and “found,” respectively.

Overall, you also need to proofread, because I found a lot of simple mistakes that you probably could’ve caught just by reading over the story, like this one:

Quote:
There was not enough time for me to inform the attendants now and all I could now was to run. Yet I could move my feet. They stood frozen at where I was standing.
“Could” should’ve been “couldn’t,” because “could” obviously makes no sense in the context of the sentence.

Length:

It was enough.

Method of Capture:

Since “Battle” doesn’t seem the most appropriate term for a lot of new stories, I’m gonna do this instead of a “Battle” section from now on to evaluate how a Pokemon is captured… or at least until next wages, when George will probably yell at me if he doesn't like it.

So, the method of capture in this story contained some elements of the classic battle, except that Venonat was helping the main character. Ending the battle with a Sleep Powder, when there hasn’t been much damage done, wouldn’t have worked in a normal battle setting, since the battle shouldn’t be so one-sided. However, I liked that you worked elements of the plot into the battle. For example, you wrote that the reason Sleep Powder worked so easily was that Pinsir was already enraged by Team Rocket’s attack on him. Even though there wasn’t a battle with the main character against Venonat, in this story, it’s acceptable because of the setting. In the Safari Zone, there aren’t supposed to be actual battles between Trainers’ Pokemon and the wild Pokemon, and you substituted the Venonat vs. Pinsir battle for the battle that I would have otherwise looked for. Because it was significant to the plot (the battle is what alerts the main character to Pinsir’s injury), I can certainly accept it as a method of capture.

Overall:

So yeah, Venonat captured.

The way you worded sentences was a big downfall for the story (there were many examples, but I figured it would be bad to overload you with grammatical criticism any more than I already did), but otherwise it was fairly well written. If you do continue this story, I look forward to reading it.
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I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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  #3  
Old 05-27-2010, 12:28 AM
Neltharion_deathwing's Avatar
Neltharion_deathwing Offline
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Default Re: Safari Trouble (Ready for grade)

Thanks so much for the grade! And I might continue this story when I have the time :D
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