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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-03-2009, 02:34 AM
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Default Kricketot’s Song


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Kricketot’s Song

By: Pokémon Partner
I glare at an endless sea of black dots, sticks, hats, and assorted other symbols scattered across a set of five, straight lines for what seemed to be forever attempting to understand what it meant. Unfortunately, I glance at my red and white Pokémon-style clock to discover that it was only five o’clock meaning that I’ve looked at it for maybe five or ten minutes wondering how was I supposed to learn this to play for my academy and how I even got into this mess to begin with. However, that was the last thing I really wanted to remember:

“I can play better than anyone else!” proclaimed one of my classmates, a short, red-haired boy named Markus, while waving around his black and red Pokéflute and pointing right at me, “Especially you!” I knew that he was just trying to get under my skin, but I’ve gone through it all day long and just couldn’t handle it any more as I formed a fist, which I crammed into my light blue pair of shorts. That only worked to provide the little Rich Boy snob another way to irate me, “Aww, is the talentless Tommy getting all mad?” he asked using the ‘mother’ voice, “I wonder why?” After hearing that, I was tempted to rush at him with all of my speed and give him a good punch on the side of face, but the bell for recess to end rang and the teacher called us in. For the rest of the day, school went by as normal until she made an announcement about us putting on a talent show for our small community, and that, naturally, brought things up to where the snob and I left off.

“Look,” I told start to tell him, brushing a little bit of my blond hair out of my yellow-green eyes before tugging the wrinkles out of my red shirt, “I don’t want to…” but he didn’t let me finish my statement before getting his two-bits in.

“Too bad you don’t actually have a talent for the show!” he sneered with a bright, red, insulting smile on his pudgy little face, “However, I guess you could always help out behind the scenes, like the other ta…” but I wasn’t willing to take any more of his insults.

“ALRIGHT! SHUT UP!” I shouted loudly with my face turning red from anger, “I BETCHA THAT I’LL PLAY WHATEVER SONG YOU’RE GOING TO AND DO IT BETTER THAN YOU!” Unfortunately, I didn’t know what I had shouted until he started to laugh like I told the newest joke in the world, leaving me to wish that I could take back every word I shouted, but I knew that it was too late to even attempt to say take it back.

“Alright then,” he stated with a large, taunting smile on his face, “I’m going to play Kricketot’s Song from start to finish, and I’ll buy you your own Pokéflute and sheet music.” However, when I attempted to tell him that I could get it myself he stopped me once again telling me, “Don’t worry, I don’t mind paying some money to see you totally mess up.”

Turns out that he was willing to pay some money ‘to see me totally mess up’ as he worded it because within 30 minutes of entering the house my mom told me that one of my friends dropped by and gave her a package for me. It was in a large, black box that I took into my room and opened slowly to discover that, buried inside of a series of white, Styrofoam packaging peanuts shaped like a bunch of Pokémon heads, was a bright, brand-new Pokéflute. After looking at it for more than a few minutes, I noticed that it was a nine-inch long, hollowed tube pained red and blue in a candy cane pattern with six holes in it evenly in the last four inches of it. In addition, the music sheet and a ‘simple guide to playing the Pokéflute’ that helped me play all of the notes at least halfway right after about three hours of playing, but it just could not come out right.


Where does all of that leave me? Well, it leaves me back to where I was, staring at the sea of black dots, sticks, lines, and symbols that created the song, but I forced myself to bring the flute to my lips and blow through it. At first, it created a squeal that could only be described as a set of nails scooting across a blackboard only even worse, but I didn’t let it stop me as I attempted to play it once again only to get stopped by my mom entering my room.

“You’re sounding really good,” she tells me with a warming smile and bright green eyes, “I understand you’re busy here, but I need some stuff from the store. However, I can’t really leave the house at the mo…” Just then, the sound of bubbling something cuts through the air as she gasps and rushes off while shouting the last bit of the statement, “…ment, I wrote down what need on a note and taped it to the door along with some money.” With a little bit of disgust, I took placed the flute into my pocket and then headed to the door to do the same with the list and $50 before shouting giving a quick wave and heading out the door where I attempted to play the flute once again as I walked in to golden-orange sunset. I quickly played three squeaky notes only to get a returning with a hoo hoot from a Hoothoot and few noises from other Pokémon that seemed to be waking up, but I ignored them as I kept attempting to play some notes, only to get a large about a squeaks and squeals from both the flute and the Pokémon. Suddenly, a series of falling notes rang through the air as clear as crystal only to end in almost dead silence, but I soon broke the sound with my squealing notes before I stopped, receiving the same notes in response. I played the same squeaky notes for a third time, same response, a forth time, same response, but it didn’t sound like it was moving any closer nor any further as I decided to chase after it by going into some bushes. However, I could not figure out where it was, but I kept playing the same note, using the returning notes guide me. All the while, I could also tell that I was getting better at playing the notes before then discovered the notes I was playing and the note that were being played back were similar, if not the same. I quickened both my playing and walking tempo, resulting a few squeaks as the notes returned once again until I noted that they sounded like they were coming from nearby me. Following the sound, I exited the greenery that engulfed me, I noticed a one-foot tall, red and yellow Pokémon that had a pair of black antennas trapped underneath a tree that appeared to have broken somehow and fall atop of it. However, when I got close enough to attempt to save it, the Pokémon just started to shake its head violently and a series of high-pitched notes came erupting from its antennas. Which gave me an idea as I attempted to play my flute once again to see its mood change, but that left me with the problem of how could I play and save it at the same time as the flute required me to use both hand…or did it? I noticed that all three notes that was playing all took my right hand, leaving me left hand to act as a support as I took it off my notes started to squeak really bad, but it didn’t seem as though the Pokémon really minded the off-key notes as I pushed the tree with my free shoulder. I gave it several pushes only to discover that it was not going anywhere until I gave a large shove, but it resulted in me falling on the ground and the flute falling out of my mouth.

The Pokémon, out of joy, started to play a long song that somehow reminded me of the sheet of music that I read until my brain somehow connected the dots with the notes and tell me that it was same song, and that the Pokémon was a Kricketot! Soon, more Kricketot joined in the song from scattered throughout the forest, creating something that took my breath away, but when the music started to die off the Kricketot looked at me, as if it wanted me to play. With a little bit of nervousness, I took the flute to my mouth and attempted to play the first three notes, which I ending up squeaking, but it responded by playing the slowly and then pointing one of its antennas at my flute as if telling me to keep trying. Once again, I took my flute to my lips and attempted to play only to get first note to come out right before looking at the almost nighttime meaning that I really needed to hurry if I wanted to make it to store to get what my mom needed and make it back. However, as I attempted to head to the store I noticed that the Kricketot was follow me, playing the same three notes again while moving its head from side to side, so I made it happy and attempted to play again, this time even better than before. After a little bit of jumping, it played the same three notes and then a set of five notes that followed each other almost one after another, so I attempted to play all eight of them. Unfortunately, I messed up on the last three, but the Kricketot replayed them for me, a little slower than the first time. Just then, I realized that it was attempting to help me play its song better and played it back, messing up on the last note, and we kept trading notes until we reached the store. Inside, I hurriedly grabbed and paid for the items so that my tutor didn’t have to wait too long for me because Pokémon weren’t allowed in the store unless they were one of the stockers, but it was still there when I came out, unable to play due to groceries.

We walked back to my house, Kricketot still playing its song until I entered to see that my mom was still cooking as I handed her the bag and the change before heading back outside, “Well,” I asked the Kricketot, “How would you like to be my friend and help me?”

In response, the Kricketot
INFORMATION
Status: Captured
Target PKMN: Kricketot
Goal Chars: 3,000 to 5,000
Actual Chars: 9,408
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Last edited by Pokémon Partner; 02-07-2010 at 04:01 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-07-2010, 08:34 AM
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Default Re: Kricketot’s Song

Introduction: The opening line was superb! It flowed right in to the flash back scene that I felt should have been a prologue all by itself.

Plot: Tommy gets himself into a mess with a class rival and ends up befriending a Kricketot? A unique story concept, yes, but hardly believable. I recommend adding more story and depth than that if you try to go for a tougher Pokemon. Add some action or drama to your story to pack more of a punch to it! One example would be perhaps the class rival also posed as a threat to Tommy as a Pokemon trainer, too. The two could have it out in the forest which caused the tree to fall over on the Kricketot. Also, there's a serious plot hole to keep in mind for your next stories: just because a trainer saves a Pokemon's life doesn't necessarily mean there will be a friendship there. The Pokemon will be afraid of a human or dislike a human under almost any circumstance; it is possible for a human and a wild Pokemon to become friends, certainly, but not probable.

Dialogue: The dialogue here was good. You showed what kind of person Markus was compared to Tommy through dialogue, as well as what kind of a person Tommy's mother was. I think if you added more story, more conversations and dialogue would fall into the story, too.

Grammar: Run a grammar & spelling check, first of all. There were several mistakes on both parts (i.e. misplaced periods, run-on sentences, etc.), but I fear that the worst thing you did was put almost the entirety of your story into only two paragraphs. Extend your story to more than just two paragraphs! I don't mean hit "enter" at the end of every one or two sentences, but also don't jumble them up into only one or two paragraphs. Space out certain parts of your story. Scene changes, for example. Also, every time a new character talks, you begin a new line of dialogue. You didn't do this as often as you should have. I won't mark down a lot for it this time, but try to improve in this area as much as you can so you can work up the confidence and experience to aim for a tougher Pokemon!

Detail: Exquisite work on detail! I think this was pretty darn good! I got confused when he was playing all the notes with the Kricketot near the end, but I'm sure that with a little bit of work on description and detail, everything will smooth out and become less tangled. All you need is practice!

Battle: There wasn't a battle, sadly. The Kricketot didn't even show a hint of fear or hesitation towards the human, but instead it immediately became friends with him. I suppose for such an easy Pokemon, I can let it slide, but you really need to add a battle to any tougher Pokemon.

Length: Over-achiever! I bet it would have been twice the amount required if you had added more storyline and a battle to it! XP

Outcome: An easy Pokemon with a very basic plot and no battle. I'll go easy on you just this once. HOWEVER, I want you to carefully review the grades you have been given on your stories. Work harder to improve yourself! The better you write and put forth the effort, the better grades you'll get, and the more confident you'll become! Practice doesn't bring perfection, but it can bring success! Kricketot captured! When you get the experience and confidence, try going for a slightly tougher Pokemon! Just be sure to work hard and keep up the unique story ideas! The ideas are your best bets, you just gotta work on executing them through your writing! <3
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