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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-03-2010, 10:56 PM
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Default |Salvation: The Arrival|

Salvation: The Awakening

*Awesome banner by QuestionablyRoyal*

__________________________________________________ _______________

Author's Note: This is a mix of Transformers, Pokemon, and ideas from Resident Evil. I want to continue this and see where it takes me. Also this is a WWC entry.

Quick run-through of some things that need explaining

Cybertron - a mechanical planet, the home world of both the Autobots and the Decepticons. Cybertron has at least three moons.

Autobot - a faction of sentient robots from the planet Cybertron. They seek to stop the Decepticons from destroying everything and to gain back their planet Cybertron. They are led by Optimus Prime

Decepticon - a factions of robot warriors that are brutal and merciless. They want galactic conquest, defeating the Autobots, amassing large quantities of Energon, developing powerful weaponry. They are led by Megatron.

Energon - is the primary source of power for both factions. Using Energon, both live, power their machinery, and even craft weapons.

Original Virabot - The Original-Virabot, or O-V is a human with a virus that is meant to enhance strength, increase intelligence, and to give the user an incredible power. The Virabot is able to spread this virus at will.

Mutated Virabot - Mutated Virabot, or M-V is a Virabot that was recreated without a human host. It does the opposite of what the Original Virabot does, but it still spreads the virus.

__________________________________________________ _______________
COMPUTER: ACTIVATED - HYBRID ACTIVATED

Species: Human/Autobot

Autobot name: Cybertracker – Human name: Darren Alexander Lukene – ACTIVATED – TRANSMISSION INPUT ALL DATA -

STASIS POD OPEN – YEAR 3428


I stepped out of the pod and examined myself. I was told by the scientists that created me that over time, my body would adapt to the changes and it seemed as if they were right. I felt stronger, faster, and my intellect was on a whole new level. My whole body was encased with a metal fifty times harder than diamond. I still had human parts like a brain and a heart, but they were modified. My stomach was removed since I did not ever need to eat anything. I had two grey hawk like eyes that could see twenty times better than the night owl, Noctowl. My height was about six feet five inches and I weighted about one hundred and seventy pounds. Despite my size and weight, I could life things ten times my size. Although I had robot features, the one thing on the outside that was visible, was my hair. The jet black hair that came out of the top of my skull is the only way people can tell me apart from themselves and the Autobots. I clothed myself to fit in more when I landed back on Earth. I put on a skin tight green shirt and pants. I had some elastic dark grey shoes that I wore. I had on two black gloves and a black and yellow cap. After making sure I was set I opened the passage way that led from the chamber to the operating room.

“Computer, how long until we reach Earth?” I asked the computer who was piloting this ship. I knew we were several millions of miles away, but I wanted an exact estimate of the trip,

“Approximately five hours and forty-five minutes.” She responded in a mechanical voice. Even though it was in a robotic voice, I could still sense some fear in it and that something was not right. “It is good to see you back up and running Cybertracker, I have a lot to catch you up on.” I was confused by what she was talking about. What did she have to catch me up on? It was not like much had happened since I was away.

“What exactly do you mean?” I asked curiously. I could not think of anything. When I was last activated the Great War was still going on, but the Autobots had allied themselves with the Human race. Still, there was no doubt in my mind that the Autobots had won that war.
“Well… things have changed now,” she began, “life on this side of the universe is scarce. Only dreadful creatures scavenge these areas. I will explain things from the beginning; you may not understand everything so stop me so that I can further explain it. I will show you things in the way I have gathered them.” I nodded, but was not sure that I was ready for what I was about to see. “Opening transmission.”

TRANSMISSION OPEN -2577 ¬- Millions of light years away from the mechanical planet Cybertron, and the humanoid planet Earth, laid a planet hidden in the dark shadows of space. This planet was forgotten by many because of the horrible secrets it held and the wicked creatures that inhabited the wasteland planet. This planet, however, was once known for its great qualities. It was a place where everyone wished they lived. The air was clean and pure; the water was fresh and crisp, the ground was rich with minerals. The vegetation was plentiful and life was all around. This planet was colonized shortly after you went into the cryogenic chamber, but in the middle of the Great War by the humans of Earth along with the autonomous robots known as the Autobots and the numerous different creatures known as Pokémon. Together they established a settlement on the planet Iacon. The humans decided to name the planet after the capitol of the Autobots home planet. For decades they lived in harmony.

In The Great War, the humans decided to ally with the Autobots to take down their enemies known as the Decepticons. The Decepticons were the same as the Autobots in form, but their intentions were different. They wanted to conquer the universe. The Autobots dedicated themselves in destroying the Decepticons. Many say that it was The Great War that brought the Autobots, the Humans, and the Pokémon closer together and live together as one civilization. This planet was supposed to be the start of a new civilization and a dawn of a new era, but that idea soon fell.

“What creatures do you mean?” I asked as I began to wonder what might have happened. What kind of creature, or creatures could have caused this to happen? I was confused, but angry at the same time. I did not clearly understand what I was looking for, but I knew that finding it was a top priority.

“Be patient, you need to know everything first.” She explained. “They came to Earth in search of the Virabot. The Virabot was a code that was inscribed in a human million of years ago. A human was reconstructed to have robotic parts and still have the appearance of a regular human. In a sense, he was kind of like you in features and characteristics.”

“So is the Virabot what I am looking for?” I asked inquisitively. Though not much detail was given, I know knew what I was looking for, just not why and how to find it.

“Yes, once we land on Earth, you must find this Virabot and bring him back, though it won’t be easy mind you.” She replied. “Only one Autobot knew of its existence. The Decepticons tried to force the Autobot to give up the Virabot. Controlling the Virabot gave the user unbelievable amounts of power and the ability to recreate the power. The Decepticons of course wanted to control this power and duplicate it to give them the advantage over the Autobots. They managed to get most of the data out of the Autobot just before destroying him. What the Decepticons did not know was that the Autobot had sent out a message that only another Autobot could open, informing them of his creation and its whereabouts. The Decepticons immediately began their attempts to recreate the Virabot.”

“It is no wonder the Decepticons wanted this power, it would practically make them invincible.” I asked, interrupting again. “Where they able to replicate the power?”

“Well, not exactly.” She said. “Finally, after many failed attempts, the Decepticons were successful in replicating the power of the Virabot, or so they thought. The Decepticons were experiencing tremendous amounts of power and a great intelligence boost. The Decepticons decided to finalize everything and send the Virabot code to all of the Decepticons in order to begin their attack on the Autobots. They flew over to the Planet Iacon in several ships, each about three thousand four hundred and seventy-nine feet wide and about nine hundred thirty - five feet tall. On the way there, strange things began to happen to the Decepticons. Their once high intelligence level was now lower than that of a baby human. Their strength was greatly decreased, along with their size. Most of them were higher than twenty feet, but were now decreased to about five to ten feet, some fifteen feet depending on their size. Something went terribly wrong in their internal systems, and before they could do anything about it, they were gone. They had completely mutated into what the Humans would call a zombie.”

I had an idea of what she was talking about, so I didn’t interrupt this time. I signaled for her to go on.

“That was the beginning of the end. The Decepticons’ ship’s all crash landed on Iacon in different remote locations. The Autobots, Humans, and Pokémon all took precautions and secured the ships. Their scanners indicated that something was inside the ships. What took them by surprise was that there were no Decepticon signals coming off any of the ships. They immediately assembled several small teams to go on board the vessels and investigate. Each team consisted of five Autobots, five humans, and five Pokémon. As they entered the ships, they noticed that it was humid and musty as if the ships hadn’t been used in ages. The team went through the ship and did not find a thing. They were making their way back out when suddenly the mutated Decepticons ambushed the teams all at the same time. Somehow, the mutated robots managed to hide their energy signature so that the Autobot scanners would not pick them up. The rabid robots appeared to only want to do one thing; bite and tear into anything living. The teams managed to break out of the ships, but unfortunately, lives were lost. None of the five teams had their entire members accounted for. Thirteen Autobots, sixteen humans, and fifteen Pokémon had died on the ship. The rest were severely injured with major cuts, missing limbs, bruises and blood loss. Miraculously, the injured personnel recovered, showing no signs of injuries. In fact, they appeared to be stronger and better than before. They were kept contained and monitored for the next several hours until the unexplainable happened. Every single one of the remaining survivors mysteriously died at the same time. Even doctors and nurses that treated the survivors dropped dead. The Virabot had infected the Autobots, and even further mutated to adapt to Human and Pokémon body systems. It gave the Humans and Pokémon mechanical features. The virus killed the host by stopping, but preserving the host’s heart, and encasing the heart with a metallic skin like substance.

The virus got loose and began infecting everything that if could. At the rate it was spreading, it would cover the planet within days. The leaders of the three species decided to leave the planet through the space bridge that the Autobots had perfected with help from the Humans and the Pokémon. They decided to gather all the creatures that weren’t infected and transported them to a nearby planet. This process took two days before they could transport everyone that they possibly could. By that time, the disease spread to over one million inhabitants. Only a couple 100,000 survived. Steel type Pokémon decreased dramatically, they were the ones that were easier targets for the virus since the Steel Pokémon was what virus was more attracted too. Why the virus was attracted to the Steel Pokémon more is unknown.”

“So the Steel Pokémon were greatly affected?” I asked. “At the rate in which you saying, is there any left?”

“Yes, there is but a handful left scattered across the universe, one which is in your possession.” She said clearly.

“Who, and where is it at?” I asked. I knew that I had to do everything in my power to ensure the safety of the endangered Pokémon.

“It is an Aron,” She began, “a small but hard plated Pokémon. It is downstairs waiting to be captured.” I nodded and asked another question.

“What did the council do?” I asked, “and who is in the council?”

“The Council did not know what to do. Then, out of the blue, a transmission bot was found. It did not give exact details, but it did state that the original Virabot was somewhere on Earth. Once secured on the refugee planet, the Council of nine teleported back to Earth. The Council consisted of three Autobots, three Humans, and three Pokémon. The three Autobots were Optimus Prime, a large red and blue twenty by twenty-three Cybertronian Jet, Bumblebee, a yellow and black eighteen by seventeen Cybertronian Fighter Jet whom you are acquainted with, and Sideswipe, a grey fifteen by sixteen Cybertronian assault tank. The three Humans were Markus Mendez, Naomi Chung, and Derek Mathews. The three Pokémon of the Council was the aura seeing dog, Lucario, the aurora wolf, Suicune, and Mew, the illusionist. Together, they sought out the location of the Virabot, but could not find it. To this day the original Virabot is still unknown. It is thought that with the help of the original Virabot, or O-V, it could counteract the Mutated Virabot, or M-V. The Council has not given up their search for the O-V. That is your mission, to locate the Virabot and bring it back with you to save this universe from total destruction. – TRANSMISSION END

“How exactly am I supposed to do this without a team?” I said, I could feel the pressure building up inside of me.

“Your team consists of Porygon-Z, Gliscor, Metagross, Gengar, Houndoom, and Aron.” She said as the Pokémon appeared. “All these Pokémon are immune to the virus, reason is unknown. You have yet to capture the newest member of your team; it will not obey until it has been detained.” A metallic mechanical ball shot out at me from the computer. I remembered battling from many of hundred years ago. A slot opened and a small steel covered Pokémon yawned and took its position. I could feel my heart racing through my metal exterior.

I tossed my Pokeball into the air. A large metal black spider emerged from the sphere.

“META - Gross!” It said raising one of its four legs into the air and slamming it down. The small Aron jumped up. Its body began to glow a dark grayish color as it appeared to grow a bit in size.

I rummaged through my head, searching for some moves that Metagross knew.

“Bullet Punch” I shouted, knowing that not much damage would be done. The black metal spider levitated off the ground and began spinning rapidly as it began to hit launch blows all over the place.

The Aron charged forward, his head was shining a grey color as it seemed to sharpen. He rammed into Metagross causing the huge Pokémon to fly back.
I was confused. How did a small little metal Pokémon stop metal Pokémon more than five times its size? “Use Hammer Arm!” I called out, knowing that this attack would severely damage the small Aron.

The black giant metal Pokémon raised one of its large arms and it started to glow a light brownish color. It swung its arm down hard on the small Pokémon, smashing it hard. Metagross lifted its hand and the Aron was still standing. Its body was engulfed in what looked like a silver force field and a small white orb in his mouth. I could see that it still took damage from the Hammer Arm though.

“Metagross, finish this with another Hammer Arm!” I said. The Metagross nodded in agreement and raised the opposite arm. It brought its left hand down hard on the small metallic Pokémon. The Aron moved forward and opened its mouth, as the small white ball grew larger. The Aron released one of the loudest sounds I’ve ever heard. A loud metal screeching sound rang throughout the ship. Soon after the loud sound, a white orb flew and hit Metagross in its face. Aron had used Metal Burst. The blast had caused Metagross to get flipped over on its back.

“Use Magnet Rise and then follow it up with another Hammer Arm.” I knew that this time we had it. Metagross slowly lifted its body off the ground and flipped itself over. Once again, the Metagross lifted its left arm as it began to glow the same light brown color as before. The Aron tried to jump out of the way, but Metagross was ready this time as it smashed down on the small Aron. I could feel the impact from the vibration. The Aron was still fighting with the small amount of energy it had left. It desperately tried squirm out of the Metagross’ grasp.

“Finish it with Psychic.” I whispered. Metagross’ body began to glow an array of colors. The spider Pokémon concentrated hard on the small Steel Pokémon. Then the Aron began to glow in the same multicolored way that Metagross was. The Aron slowly stopped squirming as it fainted. I got the metallic ball and touched the unconscious Aron on the head with it. A bright white light took in the metal Pokémon and it shook calmly several times before finally stopping. I looked at the ball and smiled. I placed the Pokeball into the regeneration chamber.

“Take good care of that Aron, it is an endangered species.” The computer said. “We should reach Earth in two hours.”

I had to not only find the Original Virabot, but now I have to find the Council. I did not have any clue as to where to start looking. I hoped that once I reached there, I could uncover more clues.

My name is Darren Alexander Lukene. I am nine hundred and thirty seven years old. To my Autobot friends I am but a mere child, to my human ones, I am old. My real origin is unknown. My profile doesn't give a day to my birth, in fact, it has very few details. I do know however, that I was recreated in a lab and enhanced to surpass my human capabilities. My current mission is to find the Virabot on Earth, which is now infected with the Virus. I was built to be immune to the virus, in order to fulfill my mission. The Councils whereabouts are unknown, as is any life form on Earth. My first task is to get to Earth and begin my search.
__________________
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If you can do a story deal, I can make it worth your time
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Last edited by Bumblebee16; 08-12-2013 at 02:20 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-03-2010, 10:58 PM
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pokemon Attempted: Aron

10 to 20k Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 13,389

Character Count (With Spaces): 16,367

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
|VPP Stats©°|-|URPG Stats®°|-
If you can do a story deal, I can make it worth your time
|"A driver doesn't pick the car, the car picks the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine."™°|


Last edited by Bumblebee16; 01-18-2010 at 05:51 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-13-2010, 05:43 PM
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Default Re: |Salvation WWC|

Story/Plot: Before I start, PLEASE USE DEFAULT FONT SIZE IF YOU PLEASE. My eyes were screaming throughout. In all honesty, I was attracted to grade this because of the concept involved in this story. Unfortunately, you disappointed me. I truly believe that this could be better. Now, what exactly is wrong with this?

Almost half of the entire story is the prologue (or so, Transmission), and all of a sudden, a battle scene starts and the next thing we know is, Aron is wiggling around in a Pokeball. Plot is definitely rushed, and it isn't even developed much. If I were you, I'd probably do what I said below (Introduction), and not get into the battle scene so quickly. If you're thinking that by doing so, you will have a greater length instead just for an Aron, simply throw in another Pokemon that you want to capture while still maintaining a good enough relativity to the plot. Remember, many experienced writers take weeks, or even several months to complete a good story with an original plot concept.

You definitely have a rather original plot concept here, but by rushing it through, you're just spoiling this good point of your story. So take my advice, work it out slowly and develop your plot much more. Cut short the prologue, and reveal the more important informations as the story progresses, so that the reader will want to continue to read.

Introduction: This part is where you aim to capture the reader's attention, interest or whatever that makes him want to continue to read. Again, unfortunately, you did not manage to achieve this. By pouring out huge loads of information and sudden names that I'm not even getting familiar with, you're actually telling the reader to stop reading this. What you can do is to reveal a bit of the plot, which is why we call it 'Prologue', then continue into the story and start to reveal the entire plot slowly. Or also what others call the build-up of a climax.

Sadly, you also didn't do a proper job of introduction as well. What did this certain guy called Darren Alexander Lukene look like? What was his personality like? All of these weren't mentioned at all. I thought it'd be very appropriate and fitting to insert the description of your setting right after his introduction of his mission. But unfortunately, you didn't. And as such, I never knew where Lukene was, what was this place called Earth in that certain year like, and all the other details.

Grammar/Spelling: Okay, only any numbers below 100 need to be spelt out. So, you don't have to spell out so many freaking numbers.

Other than that, this section was pretty much great. I couldn't find any major problems to talk about.

Length: Like I said earlier, about half of your story was the prologue. But still, length reached.

Details/Description: I really don't know how to grade this. I'm pretty sure prologue doesn't need to be filled with tonnes of description. Your current is quite fine. Though, if that wasn't the prologue, in which some of them shouldn't, you should have went further indepth.

For example, you can cut off most of the prologue, and include that in a flashback instead. Flashbacks are really cool in stories, and they set the mood for a story, which is why many people tend to use it. In a flashback, it will feel real instead. This is when the reader will be able to connect to the story and thus, will want to keep reading more.

AND THEREFORE, you can explore your creativity here. Your descriptions skills will be put to the test here, in which you aim to describe it as real as it can be, so that the reader can visualize it completely. For instance, it is said that the mutated creatures roamed the hospital and infected everyone. How exactly did it feel like? How exactly did they look like? How did the hospital look like? All of these can be really described vividly. In fact, you can make your main character take a walk back to the hospital and that is when he starts his flashback. And at the end, he sees the vast difference between now and then.

I'll just push the rest that I still need to say into the battle section.

Battle: Rather two-sided, though I think that Aron can display a greater variety of moves. That way, it would be more interesting. Other than simply attacking back and fourth, you are greatly encouraged to make use of your surroundings. For example, you are in a desert. Aron, being so tiny, can definitely hide around in the thick hay of sand, yes? How does the desert terrain affect the battle? These can all be included, to further enhance the quality of your battles.

For description on your battle-wise, you can always go further you know. Like for one, you asked Metagross to finish the Aron with Psychic. You described it as "Metagross' body began to glow in an array of colors". How was Metagross facial expression like at that point of time? How exactly did it connect to Aron? Was the array of colors only on Metagross, or did it connected to Aron via a beam? Or did Aron suddenly have an array of colors around it as well?

Mostly, your battle description was well-done. Just that I think the Psychic one could have been done better.

Outcome: While your description and battle section was still quite good, your plot and introduction greatly affected my decision. I'm afraid Aron is not captured for now.

If you want the little Aron, you will have to touch up on the things that I've mentioned plot and introduction and describe your surroundings/settings and your main character. Remember to change the words into numerical numbers as well. I know you can do it, for this story was simply rushed, which affected the quality of it.

Feel free to PM/VM me for a regrade when you're done. Also, try to bold the changes that you've made, or whatsoever that allows me to notice it. Spotting for changes is really tough at times.
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Old 01-17-2010, 07:09 AM
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Ready for a regrade

Pokemon Attempted: Aron

10 to 20k Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 13,393

Character Count (With Spaces): 16,295
__________________
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Old 01-17-2010, 07:39 AM
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Default Re: |Salvation WWC|

Regrade: This was definitely much better. The introduction is better now, since it doesn't pack all of the information right away while maintaining some suspense along the way. You described Lukene, in which I was able to understand him further now.

Though, you probably could have depicted his current feelings at that point of time. He was on a mission and in the pod, how was he feeling? These sort of personal things can tighten the bond between readers and your characters, allowing the readers to further understand your characters. To add on, you could also have described the area in which Lukene was in. Apparently, he was in some kind of pod, but how did it look like? Were there furnitures in it? Was it crammed inside? Since you didn't describe these, I wasn't able to visualize the place at all.

However, what I wanted from you was a little more effort and since you done what I've asked you to do mostly, Aron is captured! Have fun with the steel type and continue improving in your other stories!
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:41 AM
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Default Re: |Salvation: The Arrival|

Salvation: The Arrival

_______________

Author's Note: This is the second part of my series. I suggest you read the first part before you read this one to become familiarized with what is going on. I will continue on with this series after it has been a sucessful capture. Also if you are reading this, leave me comments in either IM/PM/VM and let me know what you think, good or bad.

________________

Thirty Minutes until destination is reached!” The computer said over the P.A. system that was wired throughout the grey metallic ship. “I cannot land the ship on Earth because of the virus. We cannot risk the virus somehow getting on board our transportation unit.” This whole thing was new to me. I had been asleep for more than a couple of centuries, and had been unaware of what had been going on until this day. I could not believe that any of this was happening, but I had to accept it and find a way to stop the virus and restore humanity. I had to bring back life to the planets in the universe that the virus had infected, and help those who have been fortune enough and not be infected by this virus so that they stay that way.

“Well how am I going to get down there?” I asked, knowing that I was not going to like the answer; she must have had some plan to get me down there.

“Well, you have two options. “ She said, causing me to sigh. Then a metal four by four drawer flew open. “You can jump out with a parachute as soon as we get close enough to the atmosphere, or, you can use the space bridge to teleport yourself down there. The only problem with using the space bridge is that you could be teleported anywhere on Earth, which could be risky. I also might not be able to keep track of you if you do use the space bridge.”

“I see… so then how will I get back on board if I do encounter the O-V?” I questioned.

“I should have the space bridge up and running by then,” She reassured. ”and then I will just beam you back to the ship. Since I won’t know the exact location of your whereabouts, you will need to take this tracker. Whenever you need me to teleport you back to the ship, just click the red button. That will send a signal up here to me, letting me know. The signal is pretty powerful, so it can pass through the virus’ frequency jammer.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I said, sighing deeply. I knew this was not going to be easy at all. If anything, it may take longer than I anticipated it too. I had no leads or help of any kind. I was pretty much in this alone. Then I remembered my team. They too were immune to the virus, so perhaps I still had a chance.

“You are going to need these.” The robotic voice said as a cold metallic compartment popped open. I walked over to in, staring in amazement. I had weapons and equipment that could prove to be useful on my journey. “You didn’t think you were going to go in empty handed now did you?”

“Of course not.” I said, throwing in a fake laugh. “So, what have we got here?”

“Well, the gun looking object on the right is a multiple of things.” She explained. “It is called the MB47. It is the latest advanced technology using Microbots. Though they cannot be seen with the normal human eye, if you look with a microscope or a lens with the hundredth power, there are thousands of ball bearings. These are tiny transformers known as the Microcons; they combine into the razor-thin robotic technology that is before you now. The Microcons were once known to serve the Decepticons, but since no known Decepticons exist anymore; they now serve whatever is left of the Autobots. Scientists believe the Microbots haven’t been infected with the M-V because they are too small.

This weapon can be a regular plasma rifle, a close range shooting shotgun, a machine gun for fast pace shooting or a sniper for long range shooting, and many other things. It is a state of the art weapon that was custom made just for you. It is also a convenient size.” I picked up the weapon and examined it. It did not look like any of those things she just stated; it just did not seem that big It was probably a nine by nineteen millimeter, which was indeed a convenient size.

“This is pretty nice!” I grinned.

“Press the blue button on the right side.” She instructed. I did as I was told and pressed the blue button. The barrel of the pistol began to slide forward as the small pistol began to look more and more like a sniper. I stared in awe as I witnessed the transformation.

“This is amazing,” I began, “but where is the scope?”

“The scope is on this small scanner that goes over your right eye.” She said. “It is programmed to do all sorts of things. It has a detailed hundred mile radius of whatever area you happen to be in. Also, it scans other life forms. It gives you an accurate reading of other life forms biochemistry. In other words, it can tell you how much the virus has affected them. Some of the infected species can still think rationally on their own which means they still have a chance of being cured. The stronger ones, or the ones fully infected are the ones that you can destroy without feeling remorse.

I thought about what she just said. I was going to have to kill if it came to that. Kill. Emotions were one of those things that I was unsure of. I didn’t know if I wanted them removed or not. Having them will slow me down, but not having meant that I was going to have to get rid of one of the last things that reminded me that I was still human. Sighing, I looked back into the box what else I was going to use.

“That watch right there is an electromagnetic pulse generator.” She said in a mechanical voice. “You can only use it once a day because it takes a while to recharge. One blast of this and everything in a ten mile radius is destroyed.” I looked at the device and shuddered. I was not so happy about using it, but I knew if the time came I would do what had to be done in order to accomplish the mission.

“How much longer do we have now?” I asked impatiently. I knew we were getting closer and closer to Earth. It was only a matter of time now before we reached the destination.

“The estimated time of arrival is twenty minutes.” She informed. “You can now head over to the escape pod and I will launch you towards Earth.”

I took a deep breath and walked out of the main room. The cold, metal, dark grey hallway that led to the room where the escape pods were being held was narrow and plain. This whole ship was like that. It had no color or anything. The only thing that was of different color was the lights that flickered on and off of every machine. Even the sheets on the beds were dark grey. That is one of the only things that I did not like about this ship, but I tried to not pay any attention to it. As I reached the end of the metallic hall, an oval shaped door appeared out of nowhere. I could not see the door from the other end of the hall. This is one kind of security we had on this airship. You had to be a certain distance from the door before it made itself visible to you. I approached the door and placed my hand on a small, tightly sealed box that was screwed onto the wall. The box was ice cold, but then again, so was most of the metallic items, such as the walls and floor, on this ship. I placed my thumb in the middle of the rectangle on the wall. A bright light flashed once, then green line covered my body as small o’s and 1’s covered my body. It was reading my body signature, or as known by the Transformers as an energy signature. Each different creature has a certain energy signature that is used to identify their factions.

A small clicking sound echoed down the hall and the door opened, letting out a mass of cold air. I took a deep breath and walked into the room. I knew that once I strapped myself into that pod, my expedition was definitely going to begin. I walked towards the table and saw an elastic dark grey uniform. I scratched my hard metal head and looked at the outfit. I was not sure why I had to wear this particular clothing, but I figured there must be a reason behind it all. I pulled off the green shirt I had on, revealing some Autobot tattoos that were inscribed in the middle of my chest area. Only eight tattoos, however, stood out to me out of all the tattoos I had on my body. These tattoos were of human animals and supposed to have some meaning behind them. They were the Coyote, the Armadillo, the Alligator, the Cougar, the Wolf, the Salmon, the Spider, and the Mountain Lion. These symbols though were scattered all over my body. I was not sure why they were there, but they had to have some meaning behind them. I had these symbols for as long as I can remember, but it was not until now that I had actually taken an interest in them. I placed the dark grey elastic long-sleeved shirt over my cold metallic body. It had a green Autobot faction symbol on it.

I took off my pants and tossed them in a corner. My strong, metal legs also had symbols encrypted in them. I covered them up with the stretchy pants and put on the strange mechanical looking shoes. The hair coming out of my metal head was a mess, and like most humans, I just placed a hat over my head… but who was going to care. As that thought came into my head, I felt a huge knot in my stomach, or at least in the area where my stomach would be if I had one. The whole world, no, the universe was depending on me to find this O-V.

I shook my head and tried to put those thoughts in the back of my mind. I put on some new expandable dark grey gloves that matched my outfit. I did not know what to expect when I got there. One thing was for sure though; I was not going to be alone. Things that weren’t technically alive were going to be all around me so I had to keep myself alert.

“Get on board the pod and I will launch you towards the forsaken planet.” She said, as the computer laid out a holographic map in front of me. It was of the semi-barren planet, Earth. The map zoomed into a location formally known as Europe. “There is one thing I should tell you though. It is said that near the Roman Coliseum, there lies a key to salvation. You need to find it to help you on your search.” I hesitantly got into the cold iron plated pod, awaiting my departure from the ship. I knew it was a matter of minutes now before it was finally going to be headed to hell. All I had with me was a gun with infinite ammunition, a map of the area, mini explosive bombs, and a retractable sword. Some other stuff was tucked away nicely at the bottom of the pack, but at this moment, had no importance to me.

“Launching in ten… nine… eight… seven…” She counted backwards, giving me time to brace myself. I took in deep breaths and closed my eyes, knowing that from here on out, my intense senses were going to be my most prized weapon. “… six… five… four… three…“ As she nearly reached two, a blue shield of energy surrounded me, making me feel more relaxed. “… two… one… zero, launch sequence initiated. I felt the pod begin to rumble as the blue shield engulfed my metal exterior. The blue shield appeared to attach itself to my body like a magnet would to a refrigerator. “Emergency hatched opened, pod launched.” I felt a huge force of energy suck me into the dark void of space. I could feel the pod picking up speed as I descended from the sky. I could feel the cold metal pod, slowly heat up as I plummeted down to the Earth.

Boom! The pod finally impacted the ground, causing a mini earthquake from the aftershock. The pod opened slowly, letting the outside air come into the pod. I sat in the pod for a few moments, keeping myself strapped in. I didn’t know what to expect once I left the pod, or even where to go. Finally, after getting myself straight, I unstrapped myself from the pod and stepped out. I couldn’t help but to laugh when I stepped out. It wasn’t a happy laugh either; it was a rather depressing laugh.

I don’t know why, but when I stepped out of the pod I expected to see some life in the area. I expected trees to still growing, people still walking around, Pokémon still roaming freely, but instead, all I saw was the exact opposite. The vegetation was dead dry. The lush green trees I saw in pictures were now as brown and dry as the earth I was standing on. The air that I imagined to be clean and fresh as described in the books I read, was musty and stale. The skies were black for some reason, I had no idea why. This place was a wasteland.
I heard a rustling sound behind me and quickly pulled out my MB47 or what I like to call it, the Destroyer. I hadn’t had a chance to test out this weapon yet, I was hoping that I would now get the chance. The rustling sound came from my left side now; I had a feeling that there was more than one. Then a black creature jumped out of the shrubs that it was hiding behind and roared loudly into the air.

I turned my scanner on and took a reading of the area. There were about five hundred and thirty infected creatures within a mile radius. My scanner could pick up signatures across this planet, but right now it was just set to a mile radius. Then I clicked a green button on the scanner and a lime green light came out and engulfed the creature, The virus-infected organism didn’t seem to notice the beam on him. The scanning process was extremely fast, taking only a matter of seconds before completing the data entry.
“Quilava – Quilava is a fire type Pokémon. The fur on its body is inflammable which helps in its natural habitat, the volcano. These Pokémon are slightly aggressive and like to sometimes stand on two legs.“ The entry also showed a picture of the Pokémon. The top half of its body is a bluish color and the lower half is a cream color. It also had triangular ears that were red on the inside. The Quilava before me didn’t match the one on the scanner. This one was black all around. The top half of its body appeared to be a lighter black than the bottom part, but its whole body was black. It had large sharp teeth that extended out of its mouth and a red symbol on its chest. The symbol appeared to be several lines crossed over each other, but I couldn’t get much out of it. The only thing that appeared to match was its red eyes, they were both the same.
The infected Quilava charged forward towards me, teeth bared and ready to sink into my body. I lifted The Destroyer and pulled the trigger. A dark blue energy blast shot out and engulfed the mutated Pokémon. The creature made a popping sound and was disintegrated into a million pieces. I was amazed, but what amazed me more was that I did not even have the weapon at full blast.

I kept my weapon in hand and looked back at the radar. I noticed two green dots in this area, one was close by, and the other was at a distance. The green dots meant that the creature had not yet been infected by the Mutated Virus yet, or were immune to it for some reason.

I noticed that the green dot closest to me had been circling us for some time now, as if it were observing us or something, but I could not see it from where I was standing.

“Bron –Zor” I heard something call out. I was unsure of what it was saying, or even what it was, but I prepared myself for battle. I took a stance as I waited for whatever it was to make a move.

Finally, a blue bottle cap shaped Pokémon made its appearance known to us. It had two big yellow that it used to examine me. I knew that it was not used to seeing many living things, especially ones that looked like me.

The blue plated Pokémon levitated closer to me as I reached my hand down to my side pocket. I reached in and grabbed the first Pokeball I could feel. I pulled out the round blue sphere and tossed it in front of me. It was Shyde’s Pokeball and the eager purple flying scorpion appeared before me. He saluted to me and faced the wild Pokémon.

“Bronzor!” It cried out as it prepared for to attack. I guessed that this Pokémon was called Bronzor because that is what it kept calling out. I had to be sure so I quickly scanned it.
Bronzor- Bronzor is a Steel Pokémon. This Pokémon has a circular bluish body with two yellow cat-like eyes and a bumpy texture. It also has a crest resembling an herb on its back. This description matched what was before me this time, unlike the Quilava, that is how I knew that this Pokémon was still somewhat normal.
I looked carefully at it and noticed that it was shining a bit. I remembered from a move that my partner Steeler, a blue metallic spider used earlier, Iron Defense. Then the ground started rumbling and I could see a mole trail stop right behind the Steel Pokémon. The ground began to shake again and a small part of the ground caved in and a small bug Pokémon with small wings came out.

“Nincada?” It said, it appeared to be asking the Bronzor something, but I could not hear what they were saying too well. I knew a bit about Nincada. Nincada lived underground away from the sunlight, but in this case, there was no sun so it was perfectly alright for it to be on the surface. The skies were dark enough so little to no harm would come to the small winged bug Pokémon while it was above the surface. This Pokémon was really small, about one foot eight inches in height, two feet one inch with its wingspan.

I reached into my pocket again and pulled out a warm, hard, spherical ball. I looked at it and tossed it besides Gliscor. A large black hell hound stood before me as it howled loudly into the air. The Bronzor twirled around two times and the Nincada nodded in response. The Nincada skidded forward, slapping mud into the air. As it hurdled straight for Houndoom, the Bronzor began forming a silver band around itself. Then it started spinning rapidly, getting faster and faster each turn. The Mud-Slap and Gyro Ball attack hit both Shadow and Shyde. The flying scorpion-bat was thrown back a few feet from the impact of the Gyro Ball. Shadow got hit in the eyes with the Mud-Slap attack and tried to paw it off of his face. He was now blinded, but this skull-chested dog was not giving up. The Houndoom stuck his sharp, arrow tip tail out straight and planted it in the ground. He was using it to feel for vibrations. He had his nose in the air, sniffing around him to gather the scents of the two Pokémon. Finally, his pointed ears stuck up as he turned his head, attempting to pick up any sound that he possibly could.

The Nincada stuck its two sharp claws in front of its body and jumped into the air. It dove into the ground and dug towards the blinded dog Pokémon. I could see a sly grin form on Shadows face and wondered what he was going to do next. I saw the dual typed dog pull his tail from the ground and take a quick step back as the trainee Pokémon emerged from the ground throwing dirt all over the place. Shadow raised a paw in the air and swiped the bug down to the ground. He opened his wide set jaw and white hot flames began to form in his mouth. Shadow chomped down on the Nincadas back side, removing his paw from the grip and tossing the bug into the air. Shadow may have been blinded, but his other senses sure paid off at this time.

The bug Pokémon flew across the field and landed behind the bronze plated Pokémon. The Nincada weakly stood up and moved forward towards his partner, Bronzor. The Steel Pokémon angrily began firing dark energy balls. It appeared to be pulling the dark energy from the air, and it was a lot by the looks of it. This area must have been full of dark and negative energy which was definitely going to power up this attack, or so I thought, but it couldn’t get a hit.



Last edited by Bumblebee16; 03-04-2010 at 11:40 PM.
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  #7  
Old 03-01-2010, 07:43 AM
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Default Re: |Salvation: The Arrival|

Shyde extended his claws which appeared to turn into two sharp swords. The purple scorpion was increasing his attacks to deliver a stronger blow. This would even the field since the Bronzor had raised its defenses. I knew it did not stand a chance against my partners, but I also knew that it was not going down without a fight. This was the kind of thing I looked for when acquiring new teammates. I needed someone who was not going to give up no matter what the situation looked like. The Nincada also appeared to demonstrate this similar attitude as it stood next to his partner, ready for anything else that we threw at it. I knew then that both of them would make a fine addition to my team. I knew that they would work hard to help me on my quest, but this battle was far from over.

The bug Pokémon jumped forward and soared through the air towards Shadow. Though he could not feel the vibrations in the ground any more, he could still hear the wings beating of the bug Pokémon. It was quite remarkable how well the Houndoom species hearing was. Their sense of smell was also magnificent and over ten times stronger than the average human. My senses were a lot better, but I was not the one doing the battling.

Bronzor could not get a direct hit with the Shadow Ball attack he was launching. I thought that maybe it was because the energy was too powerful for the Bronzor to control. This was a good thing for me; it meant I did not have to worry about it hitting me directly because the chances were slim. As long as Shyde stayed alert, he could dodge any of the attacks that came his way.

Just when I thought I was safe from the oncoming attacks, the Shadow Balls began splitting in two. The large ghastly orbs were now split in half into two small purple ghastly orbs. They struck Shyde hard like small pellets from a gun. They didn’t strike him hard enough to penetrate the skin, but force of the Shadow Ball pellets would sure leave a mark. I turned my attention back towards Shadow.

The Nincada was just hovering over my dark grey colored Fire type dog in a triangular motion. Shadow was moving his head to follow the sound of the fast flapping wings of the Bug Pokémon. The Nincada appeared to be looking for a weak spot on Shadow. Then, both of them decided to make their move at the same time. The Nincada began shaking back and forth rapidly as a loud ear shattering sound was heard coming from his wings. Shadow had expected something like this, and opened his large jaw, revealing long, sharp pointed teeth. Flames began forming inside of his mouth. I could see blue flames form as they slowly turned white and yellow as they cooled down. He shot them out straight for the Bug Pokémon and quickly engulfed it. The wild Bug Pokémon fell to the ground motionless. Bronzor also now had to deal with two Pokémon at the same time. I knew it could not beat my team so easily, if it even could at all, that would simply be based on Shadow and Gliscor moved in and chomped down on the Bronzor like a big man would at the dinner table. Both of the Pokémon fell to the ground, laying motionless.

I walked towards them and pulled out two Technoballs and threw them towards the two Pokémon lying in the ground. I waited for the Technoball to stop moving…

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Pokemon Attempted: Bronzor and Nincada

15 to 30k Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 15,576

Character Count (With Spaces): 19,279

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Last edited by Bumblebee16; 03-04-2010 at 11:43 PM.
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  #8  
Old 03-02-2010, 04:50 AM
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Default Re: |Salvation: The Arrival|

Introduction/Story: You're lucky I read the first one 'cause this didn't have a whole lot of introduction to it. It honestly didn't have much story, either, because most of it was your battle. I would suggest not rushing the story; don't concentrate so much on just capturing the Pokemon. You should concentrate more on the character(s), what happens to him/her/them, and how they overcome it (or don't in particular situations). Try to keep this in mind when writing.

Dialogue/Description:
The dialogue took up a large portion of your story although it was more explanations than anything. That is a good thing, sometimes, but when it takes up so much of a story, it's best to try and avoid explanations vs showing your reader things. For example, instead of the machine telling your character about the gun, why not give him a model name and tell him "it's a projectile weapon" then have him test it out through a scenario on Earth where he has a bit of trouble figuring out how to operate it? Maybe he accidentally blows something up he isn't supposed to with it or jams a different function of the weapon? Also, another thing to remember is every time a new character speaks, they have their own paragraph.

As for description, this was A-okay. You described everything to a degree where I got the idea of what it looked like and what was going on, but you didn't elaborate on every little detail like the size and shape of the Nincada's wingspan. Though, for a harder level of Pokemon, you might want to add just a tad bit more.

Grammar:
Bah. A few punctuation and spelling mistakes. Nothing else.

Battle: The battle was, as I said before, the biggest majority of your story. It was certainly lengthy and well-written, used the environment plenty, and was two-sided--er, four-sided in this case. Hahaha. [/Joke attempt.]

Length: Long enough, chief!

Result(s): Okay. Since there was not a whole lot of story, I will give you the Nincada capture because there was enough battle and story for a Simple-level Pokemon. However, Bronzor not captured. You need more story for a Medium-level Pokemon. Don't rush it so much. When you get time enough to try again (or if you want to write a completely different story for the Bronzor itself), PM me and I'll give it a re-grade.
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Old 03-04-2010, 11:45 PM
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Default Re: |Salvation: The Arrival|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ready for regrade:

Pokemon Attempted: Bronzor and Nincada - Bronzor

15 to 30k Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 18,071

Character Count (With Spaces): 22,410

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Last edited by Bumblebee16; 03-25-2010 at 04:34 AM.
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  #10  
Old 05-03-2010, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: |Salvation: The Arrival|

Shana suggested that you add more story so that the battle doesn’t over-power the story so much and you did just fine with that. I thought that the amount of story that you have now was much more than what you had before, (yeah I read this when it was first posted, call me a stalker). Anyways, you do still have a few typos here and there but the majority of the story was much better. Have fun with your new Bronzor :] Sorry the re-grade was so short but there wasn’t much to say and I wanted to get this done for you; you’ve waited long enough!
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