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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 02-14-2010, 11:02 AM
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Default The Tales of Innocence

This will be the first story in URPG HISTORY to feature a 5th Generation Pokemon; Zoroark.

- Cast -


MAIN CHARACTERS:

Innocence:


Friendship:


Love:


Life:


Mother:


???

???

???

VILLAINS:

Death:


Temptation:


Fear:

SEVEN DEADLY SINS:

Lust:


Envy:


Gluttony:


Wrath:


Greed:


Pride:


Sloth:

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

???

EXTRA CHARACTERS:

Sibling:
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Last edited by ragnarok0422; 02-16-2010 at 09:21 AM.
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:04 AM
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Default Re: The Tales of Innocence

- Chapter 1: Ralts and Buneary -

Everyone was born innocent. Everyone wasn’t totally aware of anything that was revolving around them when they were born, neither good nor bad. We would only be aware of the stuff that happened around us by communicating with other people that we would get to know as life goes on. Some may teach us to do good things, some might teach us to do bad things. Later on as life would progress farther, our innocence would start to fade away, getting replaced with lots and lots of bad stuff in our life.

Temptations were the true source of evil; they can control any innocent people they encounter. Once we get controlled by temptations that lurked on all of the places of the planet, we would definitely have a hard time in removing, or at least preventing ourselves to do any other bad stuff that the temptations taught us. The only things that can help us in saving ourselves from temptations were friendship and love. It’s just that, we often decide to choose to do the bad things more than to do the good things, which made us bad models of humanity as we speak of.

“I pray that you, great Mother, will conceive a child who will be placed in different faces of challenges in life,” said a pinkish Pokemon. Her arms were small and round, she also had here white feather-like things attached on her shoulders. She carried a pink pouch that contained a fresh white egg inside. She was Life, in the form of Blissey. She controlled every living being that would enter the Pokemon world. She was the one who would decide if the Pokemon will be born good or bad. She could also control every living being if she wanted it for she was Life.

In front of her was yet another roundish Pokemon, only whiter. She had three feathers sticking out from her head; the tip of her left feather was colored red, the middle feather was colored white, like her body, while the tip of her right feather was colored blue. She had wings that had the same size as her body, and she had blue and red triangle designs all over her body. She was Mother, in the form of a Togekiss. She was being blessed by Life that she would give birth into a little Togepi, in which she would love to take care of.

“I thank you, blessed Life, for giving me the opportunity to conceive a Togepi.” Mother gazed at Life as she gazed at the surroundings. They were in Heaven; they were standing on big and fluffy clouds, endless fluffy clouds. The place was quite bright, for Life, herself, was the one that shined a bright white color. Mother could feel Life’s divine powers surging through her veins as she was about to give birth to a Togepi.

“I must thank you for giving birth to a new offspring. You shall name it Innocence, you shall raise it very well, and you must make sure that you will let your own Innocence to travel into a far, distant land. Because Innocence will be facing different forms of challenges that would truly challenge whom Innocence will be as time passes by,” Life advised Mother. Seconds later Life lifted up her arms above as Mother suddenly glowed with a bright white color. Life’s egg suddenly glowed, too, with a bright color as it floated up in the air, towards Mother. The egg was merged with Mother as it went back towards Life and eventually, both the egg and Mother stopped glowing.

“You merged your egg with my DNA?” Mother asked, looking at Life with a questioned look.

“Yes, that is how mothers, like you, give birth to a new offspring when I bless you to conceive a child. I would merge my egg inside the body of the mother so that the egg would contain the mother’s DNA. So that once it hatches it would contain the basic evolution form of the mother,” Life answered as she held the egg, which suddenly started to crack. The egg was hatching already, Innocence was coming. Mother suddenly became confused with stuff on how will she ever take care of Innocence, especially if Life sent Mother’s child to embark on a dangerous quest. The egg hatched a small, cuddly Togepi. His head was spiky on the top, he had a face that looked exactly the same as Mother’s. His body was in the form of an egg, which had large blue and red triangles placed on the egg.

“Oh my, look how cute he is. My Innocence,” Mother said as she flapper her big wings gently to come closer to her new child, Innocence. Life smiled as she looked at her creation. Mother took Innocence near the gate that connected Heaven with the Pokemon world.

“Before you leave, Mother. I would just like to warn you about one certain thing,” Life said as Mother suddenly stopped from coming near the stairway.

“And what would that be, blessed Life?” Mother asked as she turned around her head, looking directly at Life with a sad, nervous look.

“You know already the fact that Innocence will be put into an adventure that would decide whom Innocence will be as he grows. I would like to tell you that Innocence will have two best friends, ones that would teach Innocence the good things in life. Those two doesn’t know that they would be meeting a young child that would also help them decide the true beings they are. Friendship and Love will aid Innocence in his travels as he would meet them. But Innocence must value the true meaning of friendship and love, before the two could aid them in his travels,” Life explained.

“So, are you telling me that my dear Innocence would learn the values of friendship and love because of them?” Mother asked.

“Yes, the reason why I’m saying this to you is because you cannot accompany your child during his travels. You will be the one that would prepare for the coming of Innocence as he would finish his travels,” Life answered, giving Mother a surprised look.

“Oh, if those are your orders, then so be it. After all, Innocence would only have to face Friendship and Love, right?” Mother asked back.

“That is where you are wrong, Mother. Life has its opposites, and that is death. There is an evil being named Death that lived below the Pokemon world, that would always plan to ruin a child’s being. Death has its own accompany, namely, Temptation and Fear. Death would send Temptation and Fear to hunt for the newest offspring, which would be Innocence, and would plan to make Innocence the opposite of what being a good person is,” Life explained once again.

“But how would Temptation even tempt Innocence, Friendship, and Love to do bad stuff?” Mother questioned.

“Temptation controls seven other Pokemon in the world, they are the seven deadly sins of the world. Temptation would use them, one by one, hoping that they could teach Innocence the evil beings they are. Temptation would send the following in order, Lust, in the form of a Glameow; Envy, in the form of a Sneasel; Gluttony, in the form of a Swinub; Wrath, in the form of a Houndour; Greed, in the form of a Meowth; Pride, in the form of a Tentacool; and Sloth, in the form of a Stunky. Innocence, Friendship, and Love must do the best they could do to avoid whatever bad things those seven beings would ask them to do,” Life explained. Behind them was a large clock that timed Life and Mother’s meeting together. They only had two hours of meeting and talking to one another, and that time was almost over.

“I see, how could you know stuff like this?” Mother questioned Life. She wanted an answer to this question, because Mother was beginning to doubt how Life could know stuff like this were to happen at her child, Innocence.

“Our meeting is about to end. I can talk to you mentally, dear Mother. Now go, before the stairs that would lead to your world would close!” Life yelled as Mother hurriedly carried Innocence and flew towards the stairs. Eventually, they came back to their own world, the Pokemon world.

It has been about three to four years since Mother gave birth to Innocence with the help of Life, herself. They were inside their own house, which was near where the stairway to Heaven was invisibly placed. The place was white, as white as Mother. The walls had blue and red triangles placed on the bottom part of the walls. The furniture was entirely made of egg shells. Mother began to doubt whether or not what Life said was entirely true. After all, none of those stuff that Life said was happening to Innocence lately, at least not yet.

“Life, I call upon your divine name, answer me, please. Why is that what you have said hasn’t even occurred to my dear Innocence yet?” Mother whispered to herself, praying that Life would hear her and answer her. After minutes of waiting, no reply came from Life. She started to feel a bit sad and tried to approach Innocence in his room. After moving a few inches away from where she stood, a response came from Life.

“Dear Mother, don’t worry, I’m just letting Innocence grow a few years older. You may approach him now, and see for yourself whether what I’ve said to you a few years ago was true,” Life whispered back in Mother’s ear. Mother was surprised upon hearing what Life said. She silently went to Innocence’s room. Innocence was sleeping peacefully in his bed that was made of egg shells. Seconds later, Innocence woke up from his sleep.

“Hi Mother. Can I ask you something?” Innocence yawned as he stood up from his bed.

“What would that be, Innocence?” Mother asked back. She suddenly felt nervous, maybe this was the time that Innocence would be embarking on his adventure that Life said.

“I have to leave today, I have to meet with my two new friends. They say we will be having fun today. Is that okay, Mother?” Innocence asked. The line ‘two new friends’ is what surprised Mother the most, it could be possible that those ‘friends’ that Innocence mentioned were Friendship and Love. But still, maybe it wasn’t true. Though Mother couldn’t brand Life a liar for she was Life. She was the one that would set each person’s destiny as they grew older. Mother would just have to ask Innocence and see for herself, whether if Innocence’s friends were Friendship and Love.

“If it’s too much to ask, may I know the names of your friends, Innocence?” Mother shyly asked Innocence, afraid that Life’s prophecy may suddenly came true. Innocence jumped out of the bed, walked at the wooden floor and stood beside the gold-coated door. He looked at her mother and smiled at her. Mother knew what Innocence was about to say, she just doesn’t have the urge to say it herself.

“My friends? I just met them yesterday when I was playing alone outside. They are named Friendship and Love,” Innocence finally said the names. Surprised enough, Mother just couldn’t believe that what Innocence said was true. Even though she expected it, she was still not prepared for her son to travel into a far, distant land with Friendship and Love.

“O-o-oh. Okay, I permit that you would go out and play with them but you must promise me that you would return here in our house in case you would travel into a dangerous land,” Mother advised Innocence, as he nodded in agreement. Innocence finally opened the door, making a creaking sound as it opened, and Innocence finally dashed towards the stairs, and off he goes, outside their home. “Life, no matter what happens to my son, please guide him with all of your divine might,” Mother whispered as she called at Life.

“Do not worry, dear Mother, when Innocence faces the seven deadly sins of Temptation, I will send the seven heavenly virtues that I have in store. Each sin of Temptation has a counterpart in my seven heavenly virtues,” Life whispered back to Mother. Mother gave a heavy sigh of relief; she hoped that the heavenly virtues would show up when Innocence will need them the most. Meanwhile, a small white bird, which looked closely like Mother, was in the living room, watching TV. His head was spiky, like Innocence, and he had a small round body that was connected with the head by a long neck. He also had the triangular patterns on his body, just like Innocence and Mother. And lastly, he had these small wings attached on his back, which he used for flying.

“Hello Innocence, you going somewhere?” the Togetic asked. He was Sibling, the Togetic. Unlike Innocence, Sibling was born in a natural way; Mother fell in love with a male Togekiss until they gave birth to Sibling. He was sitting on a sofa made of egg shells that had triangular patterns on it, like what they have in their body.

“I’m going out to have fun with Friendship and Love, you want to come?” Innocence replied.

“No thanks. Be sure to come back, Innocence!” Sibling worriedly said, as he paid attention to the TV while talking to Innocence.

“Okay, see you later, Sibling!” Innocence bid farewell to Sibling as he continued to go outside their house. Innocence was walking at the grassy garden of their house, which shined very well because of the sun, which shined very brightly for this morning. Along the road, Innocence encountered different kinds of Pokemon like him. He searched the Town Square but there were no signs of Friendship and Love.

“Innocence, go to the Town Plaza. Near the fountain you’ll see Friendship and Love arguing with one another. You need to hurry, Innocence,” a voice whispered in Innocence’s ear. He wondered where the voice came from. He looked at his surroundings but the Pokemon revolving around him aren’t anywhere near Innocence. He ignored the whispering voice, for now, and started to head towards the Town Square, where Friendship and Love could be located. Meanwhile, on a very dark cave-like place, there were three silhouettes talking to each other. They all stepped into the light and approached a crystal orb that was placed in a round table, which was covered with a bright red cloth.

“Life must have blessed a Togekiss and gave birth to this, what they call, Innocence,” the Pokemon on the middle said. He was Death, with his gray arms and red nails, he touched the crystal ball gently to reveal Innocence running at the Town Square, looking for his friends. Death had an enormous blood-red hair that had the color black on each tip of Death’s hair. His face was elongated, he had vicious-looking eyes and was bordered with a light-red color. His body was entirely colored gray, with a feathery black chest. He was Death, the Zoroark. He was the leader of all things bad in the world of Pokemon. He and Life were mortal enemies; every time Life would bless someone to conceive a child miraculously, Death would plan to make that child live a life full of bad deeds.

“Master Death, if I could serve you well, I could send my trusted servants to truly tempt Innocence to a bad Pokemon he could be,” the Pokemon on the left giggled menacingly. She was floating in mid-air because her blue legs touched each other. She had an extremely white face and had red blushes on either side of her cheeks. Her white head was a bit pointed as she had big, evil-looking eyes. Her blue arms extended sideways, as if she was doing a meditating pose. She was Temptation the Meditite. She was in charge of tempting all of the Pokemon she could encounter, so that they could know the bad things in life, and later on they would abuse the things Life gave to them, with the help of Temptation’s seven deadly sins.

“Or with my aid, sire, I could weaken Innocence’s emotions. It would show that Innocence wouldn’t have the courage to fight anything that would stand in his way. He would sit cowardly in his home, afraid to face all of our servants that we, or Temptation, could send,” the Pokemon on the right laughed, as he peered through the crystal ball. He used his black feet to walk away from Death and Temptation, and hid himself in the darkness. His dark blue body blended very carefully with their lair. The lair was colored with a dark violet-bluish color, and also had greek columns that formed a circle around the crystal ball. Fear had three striped on the middle of his body; the first stripe was colored black while the second stripes were colored white. Fear was a Croagunk, a fitting Pokemon that could easily scare Pokemon, making them too cowardly in fighting back to others.

“Let us make haste, Temptation and Fear. We need to make Friendship and Love argue before Innocence could get to them!” Death exclaimed, pounding the table that contained the crystal ball.

“Fear not, Master Death. Let me send one of my trusty servants to heat up Friendship and Love’s emotions!” Temptation laughed as a dog-like silhouette started to approach Temptation. A black dog came near the trio, as he laughed along with Temptation with his scarlet red mouth. The light that was emitted by the crystal ball shined its thick white skull, along with the bone-like structure on his back. He was perfectly capable of angering Friendship and Love for he was Wrath, the Houndour.

“You called me, Queen Temptation?” Wrath asked, as he glared in the crystal ball.

“Calling Wrath was a brilliant idea, Temptation. I will now leave you with you and Wrath’s task; you must anger Friendship and Love before Innocence could reach them!” Death explained to Temptation.

“As Master Death had explained, I will be sending you, Wrath, to that same Town Plaza where you will find a small Ralts and a Buneary sitting near a fountain. Innocence is still at the Town Square so you have to use your Claw of Wrath to fasten things up a bit, before Innocence could locate Friendship and Love. Do I make myself clear, Wrath?” Temptation said.

“You have my word, Queen Temptation,” Wrath said as he roared loudly, which echoed inside Death’s small lair.

“Go, sin of Wrath, and do what you have been told!” Death exclaimed, as he pointed his blood red claw at the blackened door that stood in front of Death. The door opened as it revealed a purplish color; it was some sort of portal that could take anyone where they wanted to go. “That would take you immediately to Friendship and Love,” Death explained as Wrath finally walked inside the door. Seconds later, the door closed and Death, Temptation, and Fear laughed menacingly altogether, hoping that their first plan would succeed.

The Town Plaza was the perfect place for friends and family to hang out. There were rows and rows of shops, and of course there were lots and lots of Pokemon that hanged out in the Town Plaza. The sky was very clear and sunny, there were lots of Pidgey that chirped and sang as they bathed in the birdbaths. On the middle of the Town Plaza was a small white Pokemon that had a green helmet-like thing on his head, which had two red spikes that shot out of his helmet. He was Friendship, the Ralts, he symbolizes the real meaning of friendship; hanging out together as friends, teaching one another good things in life, helping out each other when in need is what friendship is all about.

“I wonder where Innocence is, he sure is taking too long,” Friendship wondered. He looked at the brownish bunny as he waited for Innocence. The bunny had a long brown ear while her other ear was rolled down to her head. She also had a light tan fleece that covered the lower part of her body, and she has a small brown puff of a tail. She was Love, the Buneary. She and Friendship were true friends until they met Innocence, which suddenly made them what they call a ‘trio’.
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Last edited by ragnarok0422; 02-15-2010 at 10:35 AM.
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  #3  
Old 02-14-2010, 11:05 AM
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Default Re: The Tales of Innocence

“I’m sure he’ll be here soon, Friendship. After all, we’re friends, we should patiently wait for Innocence,” Love said as she, like Friendship, silently waited for Innocence to come and approach them. Behind them, Wrath was planning on how he could heat up Friendship and Love’s emotions, as they patiently waited for Innocence.

“I’ll just have to use my Claw of Wrath to anger them, do I?” Wrath asked himself, as he equipped himself a pointed, pitch black claw that glowed a mysterious red aura around the claw. Seconds later, Wrath snapped his hands as the Claw of Wrath began to glow brightly. A blood-red scent flew directly where Friendship and Love were seated.

“I can’t take it any longer, where is that Innocence!?” Friendship yelled, as he stood up from where he was seated. He began to glow with a blue aura, and so does Love, eventually, Friendship managed to take control of Love.

“W-w-wha… L-let go of me, Friendship!” Love yelled as she was being help up in mid-air. Friendship’s Psychic attack was giving Love a tight grip. Innocence had to hurry before anything bad could happen to Love. From the bushes near from where Friendship stood, Wrath had revealed himself to the angry Pokemon.

“Look what we have here. I guess my Claw of Wrath does work!” Wrath laughed as he watched Friendship attacked Love. Friendship tossed Love in the air, as she got hit in one of the store building that was behind her. She left a crack at the building, which would show that Love got damaged when she was tossed on that spot of the building.

“Yes, let your anger flow. Just let it flow and let it control your emotions, releasing anger is good, no?” Wrath teased Friendship. Friendship was under Wrath’s anger spell. He needed to calm down. But what they didn’t knew was that once the Pokemon, which was under the spell of Wrath, attacked another Pokemon that wasn’t under the spell of Wrath, would soon be, too, under the spell of Wrath. Love stood up from where she was tossed, a dark blue aura suddenly glowed around Love’s body, her eyes looking quite vicious as before. Friendship eventually started to glow with a dark red color. Things were going as planned.

“I cannot forgive you for what you have done to me!” Love shouted back at Friendship as she charged towards Friendship with a high speed. She would disappear from one place and appear from another within the speed of light. She was using Agility to come closer to Friendship without any troubles. “Prepare yourself, Friendship. Jump Kick!” Love added as she jumped in the air, she aimed her foot at Friendship, who was still surprised that Love approached her quickly. The Jump Kick damaged Friendship badly. Things were about to go out of control, they needed Innocence’s help.

“Innocence, hurry up, I sense Temptation’s servants at the Town Plaza!” the voice whispered to Innocence’s ears, yet once again. Before Innocence could even wonder where that voice came from, he hurriedly tried to find where Friendship and Love were. Soon, Innocence arrived at a very crowded place, it was very impassable for Innocence to go through.

“Sorry Pokemon, but there’s a commotion happening in the Town Plaza at the moment, so could you please hurry back to your houses before the situation could get any worse,” a Pokemon advised. Innocence began to worry whether if Friendship and Love were the ones that caused the commotion. The Pokemon began to hurry back to their houses before they could even be plain victims of the commotion. Innocence needed to hurry.

“Was that all you can do?” Friendship teased Love, as he rose from the ground, “I’ll let you have a taste of my medicine, Double Team!” Friendship added, as he started to surround Love with multiple copies of himself. This was a tight situation for Love, she would need to find out who was the real Friendship. Seconds later, with Love still confused, Friendship and his clones started to release bright leaves that would suddenly chase Love wherever she would go.

“Tch, I’ve had tougher battles with a Magikarp!” Love teased Friendship back as she tossed herself in the air, with the help of her move Bounce. The Magical Leaf attack still kept on following Love, even in mid-air. Love eventually started to bounce back towards the ground. The impact of Bounce was stronger, which made her resist the attack of Magical Leaf, but she was still left damaged. Love left a small crater on where she landed the Bounce attack. Her feet may be injured but she can still fight.

“Heh, these two sure know how to put up a fighting show!” Wrath laughed menacingly as he watched the two Pokemon, which was under his spell, exchanged blows from one another. Meanwhile, the Pokemon crowd was still taking too long to clear before Innocence could reach Friendship and Love.

“I have to reach those two soon, I think I’m the reason for them to put up a fight. Ohh, I need to hurry up!” Innocence said to himself as the crowd was getting fewer and fewer every minute.

“Is that what you call a tough move? Well tough luck, Love. I’ve got plenty more tricks up in my sleeve. Use Lucky Chant, my dear clones!” Friendship commanded the clones. They started to sing in an annoying tune that would prevent Love from landing critical hits from neither Friendship nor the clones.

“That could be my time to strike, Dizzy Punch!” Love wrathfully shouted, as the tip of Love’s ears suddenly glowed with a colorful color, aiming it directly at each of the clones. She punched all of Friendship’s clones one by one, until she could reach the original Friendship. She struck Friendship at his small body, which sent him flying to a street light behind Friendship and beside Wrath. Upon receiving contact with the street light, it made Wrath shake a bit, which made him drop the Claw of Anger from his paws.

“Oh no, this can’t be good!” Wrath sarcastically said to them, as he watched the Claw of Wrath to be shattered into smaller pieces. With the Claw of Wrath shattered, there would be no chance for Friendship and Love to stop hating each other. “Teehee, folks. I shall bid you my leave, have fun hating each other!” Wrath laughed menacingly as he ran away from Friendship and Love. He leaped at a high building, where he could see the crowd clearing as Innocence tried to enter the vicinity up in the air.

“Yes, the crowd finally cleared!” Innocence happily said as he suddenly barged in towards the fountain at the Town Plaza where he could see Friendship, which was surrounded with a dark red aura, and Love, which was surrounded with a dark blue aura. “W-w-why are you guys looking at each other viciously!? Look at yourselves, you’re both damaged and hurt, is this what friendship and love is all about!?” Innocence tried to talk to Friendship and Love, hoping that their hate for one another would fade away.

“That’s the way, Innocence. Try and sort things out through direct communication!” the voice whispered at Innocence’s ears once again.

It whispered again.

Innocence tried to ignore the same voice that kept on giving advices to Innocence. He couldn’t just ignore it, but he tried to follow what the voice whispers to Innocence. It could be true that the voice that kept on whispering on Innocence’s ear was the one in charge for the birth of Innocence. Who knows? Maybe the voice would introduce itself to Innocence soon. But right now, Friendship and Love are in trouble, and they need help.

“You know, I never even knew why I hated you in the first place. Maybe it’s because I hate evil-looking Buneary, like you!” Friendship laughed, just like the way Wrath laughed before. The spell was getting over their emotions, they cannot control it any longer. And so does the spell; it couldn’t control Friendship and Love any longer.

“I-I-Innocence… i-is that… y-y-you?” Love seemed to regain back her consciousness, as she asked Innocence for help. The dark blue aura was fading away, but seconds later it would appear back. Both the controller and the controlled can no longer withstand each other, one would have to reign over the other.

“H-Help… u-us… Free us!” Friendship yelled as he groaned in pain. Like Love, his dark red aura would fade away, but soon it would reappear back. Innocence knew that whoever would reign in their emotions, it would reign over them forever. Meaning to say, if wrath were to conquer their emotions, then they would, forever, be hating one another.

“I know you can conquer the hate outside of your emotions. Friendship, weren’t you the one who said to me yesterday that as long as your friends are here, supporting you, we would gain the power to conquer everything that stood in our way!?” Innocence yelled back, as Friendship’s dark red color was being replaced with a pure white color. Friendship’s aura kept on glowing white, then dark red. He needed more support for his total being, the Friendship he really was. With Friendship glowing with a dark red color, he yelled back at Innocence about what he said.

“Yeah, yeah, enough blabbering. Don’t you know that I said that yesterday? Yesterday isn’t today while today is sure as heck not yesterday. This is what I’ll say to you now, Innocence. Friendship doesn’t always conquer everything, especially when betrayal could replace your friendship. When betrayal occurs, you’ll suddenly start to hate one another, and eventually become enemies,” Friendship laughed as his side of wrath tried to conquer Friendship.

“Well, it could be true that friends could betray one another. But that is where love comes in. If you love one another as friends, no doubt that you will soon apologize to your friend for betraying him in the first place, in which eventually you’ll be friends again. That’s how Friendship and Love became best friends, because of that sole reason! You’ll love your friends so much that you would never want to be separated from them, wherever you are,” Innocent tried to fight back. His dialogue moved Love’s emotions. Her dark blue aura was suddenly replaced with a pink aura, which symbolized love. Minutes later, Friendship and Love lied down on the ground, suffering extreme pain from confusion. Wrath was about to reign over their emotions, the only thing Innocence could do was pray.

Innocence prayed to the heavens that Friendship and Love would eventually conquer their side of wrath within themselves. At least Innocence’s speech moved both of Friendship and Love’s true emotions, which they would use to conquer the wrath that Wrath cast on them. Suddenly, Friendship’s aura began to glow brightly with a white color; Friendship has finally conquered his emotions and defeated his wrath inside himself. While Love’s aura began to glow brightly with a pink color; Love has conquered her emotions and defeated her wrath inside herself.

“Let’s go, Innocence. I’m sure someone is sending us in the heavens to defeat Wrath and his kind. I know we can do it,” Friendship said to Innocence, as he smiled at him.

“And I know that as long as friendship and love would reign over our bonds, I’m sure that we would be an unstoppable team!” Love added, as they hold hands together and looked above in the heavens.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pokemon going for:

Ralts and Buneary

Difficulty:

Medium and Medium

Characters Needed:

20,000 - 40,000 Characters

Characters Attained:

30,278
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Last edited by ragnarok0422; 02-14-2010 at 11:46 AM.
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:51 AM
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Default Re: The Tales of Innocence

Introduction/Plot: The characters were introduced well enough that I got the general idea of who they were and what they represented. The problem is that you didn't describe the characters as much of anything other than "evil" or "good"; in other words, they're a little bit shallow. Of course, I'm sure that in time, the characters will develop as you write further into the story. Just be sure to give them different personalities. Perhaps Death is pure evil, but what if Wrath is only angry and spiteful? Maybe one of them is sarcastic? Don't just generalize with these characters, give them more depth. Also, I imagine Innocence to be quite naive and I can see that in a lot of aspects, that's how you plan on portraying him. I will grant you points: the plot is certainly different and has a twist on a cliché of the Seven Sins vs the Seven Virtues. You've added a few characters that get caught up in the middle of it. It makes me want to read more about what might happen to Innocence.

Dialogue: Oh, the story certainly has a lot of dialogue yet what a character says (i.e. snide remarks or wording or accents) and the tone they say it with should differ a little for each character. Dialogue is what helps to set your characters apart, though that does come with time while you try to develop your characters further.

Quote:
the Pokemon on the right laughed, as he peered through the crystal ball. He used his black feet to walk away from Death and Temptation, and hid himself in the darkness. His dark blue body blended very carefully with their lair. The lair was colored with a dark violet-bluish color, and also had greek columns that formed a circle around the crystal ball. Fear had three striped on the middle of his body; the first stripe was colored black while the second stripes were colored white. Fear was a Croagunk, a fitting Pokemon that could easily scare Pokemon, making them too cowardly in fighting back to others.
I can understand wanting to describe both the lair and Croagunk, even the comparison between the two, but you described Croagunk, the lair, then Croagunk again. Try describing only one thing at a time. For example, you could describe the setting of the lair first: dark, creepy, hidden. After that, describe the three silhouettes and introduce them one by one. Here's a tip: you can use description to elaborate on a character's personality as well. For example, perhaps Temptation thinks she's all-that (after all, she is Temptation) and Fear thinks he's intimidating. You can show this by describing Temptation with words like "haughty" or "superior" and Croagunk with something such as "buffed up" because, although he's little, he may want to give the appearance like he's threatening. Perhaps there's a certain atmosphere around Death that makes him uber-creepy, ne?

Grammar: Naturally, there were one or two spelling and punctuation errors (nearly every story has them), but what you need to watch out for is the tense of your story.

Quote:
Suddenly, Friendship’s aura began to glow brightly with a white color; Friendship has finally conquered his emotions and defeated his wrath inside himself. While Love’s aura began to glow brightly with a pink color; Love has conquered her emotions and defeated her wrath inside herself.
You used two different tenses within the same sentence. I'm not sure if that's a spelling error or if you just got side-tracked. Keep in mind that if your story is in past tense, all verbs and words such as "has" or "is" need to also be placed in past tense of "had" and "was/were". I just figured I'd point that out just in case.

Also, every time a person talks, the dialogue gets its own paragraph. I'll show you an example of where you went wrong.

Quote:
“Was that all you can do?” Friendship teased Love, as he rose from the ground, “I’ll let you have a taste of my medicine, Double Team!” Friendship added, as he started to surround Love with multiple copies of himself. This was a tight situation for Love, she would need to find out who was the real Friendship. Seconds later, with Love still confused, Friendship and his clones started to release bright leaves that would suddenly chase Love wherever she would go.
You should have separated the paragraph after "I'll let you have a taste of my medicine, Double Team!" You shouldn't add action/descriptive paragraphs with dialogue paragraphs or vice versus. Try and keep that in mind, okay? n_n

Detail: Oh, this was great at describing things, but some words were a little bland. "Vicious" and "evil" were used a lot and, once again, you only generalized your characters. One thing got me confused, though:

Quote:
the Pokemon on the right laughed, as he peered through the crystal ball. He used his black feet to walk away from Death and Temptation, and hid himself in the darkness. His dark blue body blended very carefully with their lair. The lair was colored with a dark violet-bluish color, and also had greek columns that formed a circle around the crystal ball. Fear had three striped on the middle of his body; the first stripe was colored black while the second stripes were colored white. Fear was a Croagunk, a fitting Pokemon that could easily scare Pokemon, making them too cowardly in fighting back to others.
I can understand wanting to describe both the lair and Croagunk, even the comparison between the two, but you described Croagunk, the lair, then Croagunk again. Try describing only one thing at a time. For example, you could describe the setting of the lair first: dark, creepy, hidden. After that, describe the three silhouettes and introduce them one by one. Here's a tip: you can use description to elaborate on a character's personality as well. For example, perhaps Temptation thinks she's all-that (after all, she is Temptation) and Fear thinks he's intimidating. You can show this by describing Temptation with words like "haughty" or "superior" and Croagunk with something such as "buffed up" because, although he's little, he may want to give the appearance like he's threatening. Perhaps there's a certain atmosphere around Death that makes him uber-creepy, ne?


Battle: This was great, but I felt it a little unnecessary for your capture. However, it really did fit in with the storyline and you made it flow wonderfully. Just be sure you don't use bland descriptions and the opponents don't have to taunt each other. Maybe one of them says something to anger the other one instead of teasing him like Love says "You never forgave me for ___ and I'm mad at you for it!" or "___ was all your fault!" If Greed comes along, have your characters portray being greedy and selfish instead of just teasing each other through a battle.

Length: 10K more than sufficient! I dub this category "Excellent"! Thank you for going out of your way (well, considering how lengthy this story will be, it's not really out of your way, is it?) to doing MORE than what is required instead of just saying "Okay, I can do the minimum amount and get away with it"! Yeah, sometimes that's okay if your story is full of quality and just short, but who wants to read an awesome story that's only 10K 'cause they only have to do the minimum amount, y'know?

Result: Dun dun duuunnn~! Buneary and Ralts captured! I congratulate you on a well-written story and hope to read more chapters even if I'm not the one grading it! Remember the tips I gave ya and you'll be A-okay!
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