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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-07-2010, 03:45 AM
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Default Hacking Away

Ready for a regrade.


Going for Starly and Ralts.
Characters: 15,457(Spaces)
Characters: 19,035

Editors note: I know why the characters were wrong, I made a pretty dumb mistake...

I only pasted half the story, the whole beginning didn't get transferred. Which explains so much...


Hacking Away


The old man woke with a start, and he quickly turned his attention to the sleeping infant to see if had disturbed the young child. He carefully rose from the chair and gently laid the infant in a crib next to the chair. The child was his youngest grandchild, the child’s parents and elder siblings had gone to the grocery store, since the youngest was asleep, he was left behind. The man and the child were sitting in a dimly lit living room, as it was lit by a crackling fireplace, the embers casting a soft glow. A few sofas and chairs were placed in a semicircle around the fireplace. The room was done in simple colors with a large painting hanging above the fireplace and a few objects placed on the shelf below it. The old man crossed to the other side of the room to the fireplace and removed a thick book from the shelf. The book was well thumbed and handmade, with every original stitching still in place. He fondly ran a hand over the plain brown cover and glanced at the painting, it was an oil painting of a Staraptor soaring in a clear sky over a thickly wooded area. This brought a smile to his old weathered face. Although his white hair was thinning and age was beginning to take a toll, his gray eyes still managed to hold a twinkle, his gait still had a spring to it, and he was healthy for a man in his sixties. He returned to his comfy chair and flipped to the first page. Scrawled on the first page was simple lettering: Artemis’s journal.

The second page showed basic information names, date, age etc. The first page was over fifty years old and was dated early April. Artemis’s mind drifted back to that time that only seemed like it was only yesterday.

He was a young boy tender in years at only fourteen years of age. It was the day after his fourteenth birthday. As was a tradition in his family for the next four years of his life he was expected to live on the land of his family in the wilderness of the Kampin Mountains. He was equipped with basic camping supplies, enough food for a week, a weeks’ worth of clothing, a book of local herbs, a wilderness knife, and a few things he might need. So far five other generations of Orions’ had lived on the land, and the first two generations had worked a farm on the land. It was expected that the young man would become totally dependent on the land, and like his ancestors learn to respect and care for the land.

Everything had already been set for his trip, and on the morning of his fourteenth birthday his family drove him to the airport, where he would catch a flight to the city of Saffron. From there he would take a bus to the town of Yellowroot. Everything went as planned and soon he had hopped on the bus to take him to the town of Yellowroot, which was at the base of the mountain. The bus ride was two days long, but when he arrived at the town he was in good spirits and eager to start this new adventure. Upon his arrival at the small but bustling town he immediately set off for the local post office. Nobody paid him any particular attention, his business was his own, so the townsfolk ignored him. It was a mild day with a breeze, bringing the temperature around to seventy five, which suited him just fine as he was dressed in a light pair of blue jeans and a dark t-shirt. The small town had an older look to it, with plain dirt roads, except for the main road that cut through the center of the town where all the shops were, as the houses were placed on the outskirts or further away as farms. Artemis pulled his cap down, shielding his eyes from the glaring rays from the sun, hoisted his pack onto his broad shoulders and marched away from the bus station.

There were no Pokeballs visible on Artemis, but he hoped to change that soon enough. His first stop was the local post office; he had a prepared letter, letting his family know he had made it safely. The elder man at the counter gave Artemis a brief smile and returned to his task, which was sorting local mail. The next stop was at the local general store, were he purchased four Pokeballs from the young woman manning the register.

He left the shop and was soon heading toward the outskirts of town. It was a pleasant walk with quite a few Pokemon wandering about, wild and domesticated. The domesticated Pokémon were in the fields, planting foodstuffs and scaring off the pillaging Pokémon trying to take the wares.

Soon he was deep in the forest and on the path toward his family’s land. The land was in a secluded part of the Mountain range and the closest neighbor a good three miles away, and the town of Yellowroot and distance eight. He had been planning this trip since the past summer and he already knew what he was going to do. The previous generations had camped in a rundown barn that was once part of the family estate. Artemis decided to he wanted to be more original, so after doing some research at home he decided to settle on a tree house. It would blend in better and it would be unique to him. The only problem was that it couldn’t be a conventional one, like the one people build in their backyards; it had to blend in and it couldn’t disturb the wildlife in an obvious way like a tent or hammock would. Many trees towered over fifty feet in height in this forest, so he had to first find a grove that suited his needs. A supply of lumber had already been shipped to the land with the necessary equipment. He could have cut down some trees for lumber, but his father insisted on doing it this way, much to Artemis’s chagrin.

Artemis had researched tree houses to build the best design and one the would actually function as a home. He had a chosen a design that required three or more trees to create a well sized living area. The woods were full of wild animal sounds as Artemis scouted the terrain. Every now and then he would see a wild Pokémon before it quickly hid or ran away. It took him the better part of a three hours but he eventually find suitable building sights. After scouting other areas as well Artemis finally settled for a site. The one he picked was only a twenty minute hike from the barn and his building supplies, there was a large creek less than two minutes away, a field of about one acre was also close by, and the site had four trees close, but not close enough to hinder any construction. At last happy Artemis decided he needed to check the time, to do this he would need a sun dial. To build one he first had to find an open spot that was level. Since the surrounding area was mostly covered by the shade from the trees he set off for the field. Once there he found a suitable site and was soon looking for a stick that he would use for his gnomon, the piece that would give the time. Once he had cut the gnomon to the right angle, it had to be a certain angle to match the latitude, which he had researched ahead of time for this reason. With this done he drew a small circle in the dirt and located north, west, and east. Once a marker was placed at each location, using a protractor he then used the protractor to mark the hours. The final step was to place the gnomon along the baseline of the sundial, the line between east and west, and his sundial was complete. It was now two in the afternoon if the sundial was correct. The next step was to haul the supplies from the barn to the site where the house was going to be, that Artemis dreaded the most.

It took Artemis four long hours to lug the lumber to the new location and he was now taking a break from the grueling work and was munching on a light snack of nuts that he had brought with him. He was quietly munching away, and sitting on a large boulder just a few feet from his future home when he heard a screech from above. He jumped in surprise, losing his snack in the process. He looked at his snack in remorse and started to scan the sky in search of the creature that had disturbed him. He soon found the source of the problem and discovered it was a bird nest about thirty feet from his current location. The thing was made from sticks and twigs and it was the size of a door mat. Artemis decided to see what was causing the commotion. As the tip of the tree only reached about forty feet it didn’t take him much time to scale the tree, where the nest was balancing on a branch. A quick peek revealed three Starly chicks, all were huddled together in a small mass of feathers. Artemis looked around for the source of the sound, as the chicks were obviously not the culprits. His gaze centered on a Staraptor circling in the sky above. He had no idea what it was doing, so he turned his attention to the chicks. He didn’t know it yet, but the Staraptor was searching for its mate, who had been caught two days earlier. Since then she had gone without food. Artemis was getting ready to leave when the biggest chick suddenly rose and looked at him. Artemis just looked at the Pokémon and decided he would take it as his first. He reached into the nest and grabbed the small bundle of feathers and placed it inside a pocket of his shirt, being very careful not to squish it or alert the mother bird. He carefully climbed down from the tree and when he was safely on the ground he retrieved the Pokémon. It was no bigger than his fist with gray feathers covering most of its body, with a white strip running on its tail, a small patch on the stomach, and finally the front of its face. Starly’s black eyes were staring up at Artemis. Their gazes locked for five seconds before the Pokémon started to peak at the hand holding it. Artemis chuckled softly and walked back to the rock.

Artemis placed the Pokémon on a plank of wood and dropped to his knees as he searched for some bugs. He hit success when he flipped over a rock and found a small worm there. The worm was quickly placed in the bird’s mouth. This continued for ten more minutes until Artemis found a patch of moss that covered a nice amount of small bugs. Starly was soon stuffed, and when it did so it promptly went to sleep, its small claws fastening into the wood.

With the Pokémon took care of Artemis returned to his house. His own uncle was a carpenter so he knew his way around wood. The sounds around the area that were full of Pokémon sounds were now drowned out by the sound of construction. By dusk a platform had been constructed around the trees he intended to use. He used a pulley system to ascend the tree and haul lumber up and down. He then used this system to climb the tree with the Starly and his equipment. He ate a light dinner and settled down to sleep for the night. And so this process continued for the next week, the Starly was slowly growing and the house soon began to take shape.

Artemis gazed up at his house in satisfaction. The structure was round with a slanted roof and it had a natural look to it, after he had painted it to resemble bark and branches. A staircase spiraled around the old main tree, leading to the main platform circling the tree. And like the rest of the structure the stairs were painted in the same manner. The house was not visible from twenty feet away, and one could only spot it if they were looking for it or just happened to stumble upon the small short steps.

With his shelter complete Artemis turned his attention to a food supply. He knew many wild vegetables he could eat, but meat would be a problem. A primitive weapon was an option but his best bet would be his new Pokémon, which was slowly imprinting one him due to its young age. At first Artemis was careful to keep Starly out of sight from its mother, but eventually he allowed it to sit in the open with him, The Pokémon was growing well and was already starting to practice its first attacks. Artemis had caught the Pokémon as it tried to master the basic moves of Growl and Peck. Both were still shaky and would need some work.

The young lad had now been on the Mountain for a full month. Today was a beautiful morning and the Pokémon were out in full force, the forest was full of them. Both he and and Gwen, Starly’s full name was Gwendolyn, had just ate and Artemis resolved to train Gwen. He had four Pokeballs, but he decided not to use them if at all possible, so when he and Gwen traveled or went hunting the Pokémon sat on his shoulder. She, for Gwen was female, was on his shoulder now. As the day began for the pair Artemis began to talk with Pokémon, as he did every morning, all the while strengthening the bond that was developing between them, even if he failed to realize it.

“Today my beauty you learn how to battle. Would you like that?”

Gwen puffed out her breast feathers as she often did when pleased. After spending time with his Pokémon, Artemis believed that she could understand him, and vice versa. Today he decided to hunt in the field close to his home. The pair soon reached the field. It was a small clearing, about two acres with knee high grass, and a small creek on the other side, this one was not as big as the one where he fished and fetched water, so he used it to bathe Gwen. Artemis looked Gwen in her eyes. “I want you to fly above and wait for my signal to attack, can you do that?”

Gwen cocked her small head at him and with a few beats of her wings was airborne. Artemis began to cross the field making as much noise as possible, to scare up some game, when Starly became a blur against the bright blue sky as she crossed his vision and struck something. Artemis rushed to the spot where Starly had gone down and found her facing off with a short white Pokémon with green hair and two red fins sticking out from its head, one in the front and one in the back. It was cowering before Starly, its short arms covering its bright head.

Artemis shook his head in disgust and recalled Starly to his side. Ralts was a weak Pokemon until it evolved and he just didn’t have the time to train it properly. Besides, he was here to hunt, training could wait until after the morning chores were accomplished.

Starly pecked at the creature on last time before returning to his side, Ralt’s peal filled the air from the sharp peck. Artemis gently admonished Gwen for attacking Ralts when they were there to hunt, the Pokémon tucker her head under he wing in shame. As the pair turned to leave both were pushed forward by an invisible force. Artemis and Starly hit the ground hard, sending forth a grunt from Artemis. He rose jerkily to his feet shaking the clinging brown dust from his clothes, and looked around for the cause. His focus shifted to Ralts when no other cause was apparent. The Pokémon was standing in front of him his focus on Starly. Artemis didn’t want to battle, but if he had no choice he would. He looked at Gwen and nodded at her.

Starly shot to its feet and was suddenly airborne when it executed a flip and was speeding toward Ralts. Gwen looked as if she would strike Ralts, but a moment before it hit there was shimmer of light where Ralts was and the Psychic Pokémon was gone. She recovered though shot through the air and started to gain height when her master noticed the Ralts balancing on a small branch above Gwen, poised to unleash an attack..

He cried out to his partner, but the warning came too late. Ralts jumped and landed precariously on Starly’s back, the bird wobbled in surprise and was slammed into the ground by a powerful Psychic. Gwen hit the ground hard, but Ralts sustained no damage as it used her as a springboard to jump away at the last possible second. Starly rose to its small legs and stared at its foe, its frustration mounting.

Artemis saw that his Pokémon was tired and injured by the way it was standing, the Pokémon seemed to favor its left wing. Although injured he could see the resolve in his Pokémon’s eyes.

Ralts seemed more powerful so he decided to try and confuse it, to do this he ordered Gwen to use a Double Team. Two dozen Starlys soon surrounded Ralts, all the exact image of one another. The white Pokémon slowly looked around when it suddenly lifted a tiny arm and pointed at one of the images. The image flickered and disappeared, and just like that five were gone as it started to lash out with waves of psychic energy. Artemis knew he had to strike, he issued the command of Wing Attack.

The left wing of each image turned white as the images rushed Ralts. The Psychic Pokémon tried to Teleport, but wasn’t fast enough. Ralts cried out when it was struck, its voice like that of a sweet melody. Artemis ordered his Pokémon to hit it again with a Quick Attack

Ralts was struck once again by the harsh beak of Gwen. The force of the blow managed to lift the light Pokémon off its feet and push it back, but it was able to steady itself by using a Psychic to control its velocity and to stop it from colliding with a tree. It gestured with another hand and a few stones sprang up and smacked into Gwen’s small body. Even from ten feet away Artemis could see the bruises starting to form from the physical beating Gwen was taking. He had to end it now or Starly would lose.

Artemis knew he had one last trick up his sleeve, Endeavor. Gwen was hovering a few feet in the air, upon hearing the command she turned to her master and just looked at him as if he had sprouted wings, she had never tried the move.

Artemis was silent, he knew just like she did that this was their only hope to win the battle. It was his ace card, for as he slowly learned about his Pokémon he found out Gwen did not like to lose and was very stubborn when she wanted to be.

The resolve he had seen earlier in her eyes was rekindled when the realization hit her. Starly alighted on the ground and tucked in on itself. Her breathing lowered and she became absolutely still. Ralts cocked its round head at Starly and glided slowly toward it. When it was within two feet it cautiously reached a slender arm out to her and poked it. with a touch of Psychic energy, Starly rocked backed, but was still unmoving. Ralts turned to Artemis and looked at him with hidden eyes, trying to discern if they were playing a trick on it.

Artemis kept his eyes on Ralts as Gwen started to glow, trying to keep his opponent’s attention centered on him. While Ralts returned the look Starly opened its eyes and the air around it and Ralts began to sparkle. Ralts arched its back as the light spread from Gwen’s body to mesh with its on. There was a flash and both Pokémon were lying on the ground breathing heavily.

Artemis knew he had to strike before it could recover, he ordered the tried and true Wing Attack. Ralts was struggling to its feet as Artemis called the move to his Pokémon. The small bird rose, and with a few strong beats it was speeding toward Ralts. Gwen’s body turned into a missile that struck Ralts in the chest and hurled it to the ground.

Artemis pumped his fist in the air, and congratulated his Pokémon. He could barely contain his excitement; he had caught his second Pokemon. Since he didn’t expect to battle, let alone catch anything, Artemis had no Pokeballs on him. If he wanted Ralts he would have to carry it back his house. So, the pair slowly approached the still form of Ralts.

.
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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 04-05-2010 at 08:00 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-10-2010, 09:59 PM
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Default Re: Hacking Away

Story will be dealt with ASAP. Grader feels too sleepy to post grade now, but assures he's got it done.
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Old 02-11-2010, 03:33 PM
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Default Re: Hacking Away

Grader didn't want to edit previous post. Grader felt posting new post is cool.

Story/Plot: It was quite simple, yet charming. You didn't present us with a typical newbie trainer/Pokemon relationship, but wove a tale out of their meeting. It was quite sweet...

But that's it. We still only get a rather superficial view of them and their relationship. You tell that Artemis kept the Starly, but you didn't really his reasons. Was the Starly emergency rations? Did Artemis take pity of the little orphaned Pokemon? How did Gwen grow attached to Artemis, so much as to consider herself his Pokemon? You didn't tell, and it's a real pity because it could've been so good.

There were other small things that gave me a little comprehension problem. For one, you start the story with a "Four Hours later". But those very words presuppose that something happened before that- something we don't know. I had the impression that this was some kind of sequel- in which case you add a small summary- but reading it it gave me the feeling of a stand-alone story. Still, I'm pretty sure you forgot something here.

Also, what were Artemis' motives for wanting to build a house in a forest? And how is he enough wilderness-savvy not to panic at all when the Starly starts screeching in his hands? We really want to know these things as they flesh out characters and story too.

Description/Detail: I'm pretty sure you don't feed live worms to baby chicks. It'd be like feeding a live squid to a children- basically, very dangerous and possibly lethal. From what I remember, mama bird first munches on the food, then rigurgitates it and feeds to the chicks. But let's let this slip- I'm not even sure of this myself.

You like, totally forgot to say what Artemis was. Boy, man, human, tentacle-armed alien, shapeshifting eldritich abomination, we don't really know- you didn't say anything. For most of the story, I didn't even know Artemis' gender!

As far as the background is concerned, they're in some kind of... forest. But what forest? Is there anything interesting or special in the forest, or the place that Arty- you don't mind if I call Artemis Arty, right?- decided to build his house there? Is the place deep within the forest so as not to be disturbed, or maybe there's a good view there as the place is higher than the rest of the forest, or the tree he chose is anyway special? It's all obscure to me, and you don't want that... I suppose.

Oh yeah, the bit about Gwen's full name being Gwendolyn? It was redundant and totally unneeded. If you really wanted to put it in, you could've said something akin to "Gwendolyn, or Gwen as Artemis usually called her," but in general try to avoid bits of unnecessary information unless it fits- in which case it's no more unnecessary.

Grammar/Spelling: nothing major, but something that bugged me I could find.
Quote:
A quick peeked revealed three Starly chicks
the noun is peek, not peeked.

Quote:
A staircase spiraled around the old main tree, and the steps to were painted.
the steps to where? You left that hanging (likely by accident, but still)

Quote:
Artemis had caught the Pokemon as it tried to learn Double Team and Wing Attack.
Learn is- how can I explain- a technical term. It's an action you can't witness directly, as it's not visible. Moreso since she "tried to learn". Try using "practice" instead, which while similiar is more suited in this case.

You got a bit repetitive at times, especially in regards to your character- you kept using his name to rever to him, rarely using "he" instead. Repetition is B-O-R-I-N-G.

However, I must say I rather liked the silent protagonist. It was refreshing, something new, it added mystery and charm to the story. And then he talked. It wasn't a bad thing, mind you, but I think it would've been much better if he kept being silent- you could, possibly, issue commands in battle by way of indirect dialogue. For example, transforming.

Quote:
Artemis shook his head in disgust. “Leave it Gwen, it’s only a Ralts.”
(btw, why disgust? But that's not the point)

To:
Quote:
Artemis shook his head in disgust. It was only a Ralts. He told his Pokemon to leave it alone.
Length: I presume Ralts is Medium, therefore 10-20k, and Starly is Simple, 5-10k, which would make your story a little under the minimum length requitements. Not that I really care about the length requirement- I do care, however, about how much more could've been said in this story. If you only explained Artemis motives, expanded a bit on the bond he and Gwen shared, indulged a bit more on the description, it would've been quite longer. Probably.

Battle: it was... well, I wouldn't write home about it, but it was a good battle. Not the best I've seen, but it worked. You used a good array of attacks, and opted for commonly used, but always beloved tactics- even going as far as making use of the battleground as a weapon. Not everybody remembers the battleground.

The battle, however, could've been longer.

And the scene in which Ralts was caught? Made no sense. First, because Arty was seemingly disgusted by the Pokemon- why would he want something he loathes? Second, because there's no real or metaphorical catching going on. Arty and Gwen just sat there waiting for Ralts to come back to its senses, going by some unspoken and unexplained code of honour- nothing would stop Ralts from getting away or, worse, lashing at the human before geting away.

Outcome: Well... I must say I'm pretty troubled here. If it was only for Ralts, I would've said it passes but you need to make more attention in the future. But since it's for Starly and Ralts, things are different. The more I read, the less confident about the outcome I decided I felt.
My last word, anyway, is... Ralts barely caught, Starly not caught.

It's a stretch for me to let the Ralts go, but I figured you'd be more interested in that than in a Starly. Feel free to ask me a regrade though, just fix up all the stuff that's missing.

EDIT: I actually went ahead and pasted your story in a character counter. The story is half as long as you make it out to be. Therefore, Starly caught, but not Ralts. That's all I can do for you.
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  #4  
Old 05-27-2010, 10:50 AM
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Default Re: Hacking Away

Sorry it took me so long. The story is a huge improvement, I can see clearly how much you worked on this. If you want a real grade, I'll give you one, but for now, Ralts is caught, along with Starly

Though I could see quite a lot of typos, and some of my ol' grade still stands- however, you said you had in plan to continue this so I'll be trusting.
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Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 05-27-2010 at 02:46 PM.
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