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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-28-2009, 05:04 AM
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Default Ambipom's Tails of Adventures

- Chapter 1: Yanma -

“Okay guys, time to come out from your Pokeballs!” a young boy yelled, tossing numerous white and red balls in the air. Each Pokeball revealed different kinds of Pokemon that the boy managed to capture during his travels around the region. All of the Pokeballs released a bright light, revealing different forms of Pokemon that rested inside the Pokeball. Most of them are quite pleased to be freed from their respective Pokeballs, however, one was not quite entertained enough to be freed from the Pokeball.

“I have packed us loads of food today so better get our stomachs full before you guys can go and play!” The boy said. The weather was extremely perfect for playing games and whatnot. The blue sky was very clear, parts of it was filled with cirrus clouds. The massive red star shined brightly as the winds blew softly, making it a perfect day to go on trips. The boy was wearing a lime green colored t-shirt with a huge Pokeball covering most of the front part of the shirt, and the number twenty-two displayed at the back part of his shirt. He matched his shirt by wearing light brown pants. He also wore a sun visor that had a color which is the same as his t-shirt.

The Pokemon hurriedly ate their food as some started to go on the fields and play with each other. A purple monkey-like Pokemon was not entirely happy as it tagged along with its fellow Pokemon. It had an arrow-shaped nose that pointed upwards, and had two large tails that has a large hand-like thing found at the end of each tail. The Ambipom felt like something was missing on this da--it had the urge to roam around all by itself. It wanted to explore most of the fields without the aid of its trainer.

“Make sure to stay out of the forest, guys!” the trainer commanded, but Ambipom was far from the trainer’s sight. It went into a thick forest where lots of various trees stood tall, most of them were covered in thick vines. Various Pokemon appeared in front of Ambipom as it wandered around the huge forest. Ambipom decided to ignore the Pokemon and continue the path towards to nowhere.

The trainer laughed with its Pokemon, eventually it started to check who’s missing by counting all of the Pokemon gathered on the fields. He managed to do about five recounts because he felt that someone was missing, someone he knew that didn’t get much attention during the times of bonding—he realized that Ambipom was missing.

“Stay right here, guys. I’m gonna go and look for Ambipom,” the trainer suggested as it started to make his way towards the thick forest. Ambipom swung from tree to tree, looking for places that Ambipom would love to explore. As it swung from tree to tree, it accidentally attacked some pink Pokemon that had large green leaves from its head. Upon noticing that it attacked the Hoppip, Ambipom used Agility so that it could escape from the Hoppip before they could attack it. As Ambipom swung, he disappeared on the first tree while reappearing on the second tree. It did the same thing with great speed as it eventually reached the heart of the forest.

The heart of the forest looked like more of an ancient ruins rather than a forest itself. There were multiple stone tables placed on each corner of the place, each with different colors that blended well with the forest. There was a large mouth that led towards into the cavern. Above, you couldn’t see the blue sky for it was covered with vines that crisscrossed with each other, making a large roof made of vines.

“It seemed that this part of the forest is entirely man-made,” Ambipom thought to itself. Apparently, its conclusions were right; there were pickaxes and a miner’s hat located right beside the cavern’s mouth. It approached the cavern’s mouth as it took a peek what wonders it could find inside the cavern.

“Ambipom, just where in the world are you!?” the trainer worriedly said to itself. He was running around the forest at great speed, but it just can’t find Ambipom anywhere. After a few rounds of running around in circles, the trainer eventually stopped running and started to sit down on the grassy ground. Eventually, a purple light started to glow around the trainer’s body when a yellowish Pokemon appeared in front of him. This yellow Pokemon had brown plate-like things that covered most of its body. Alakazam teleported in front of the trainer, making the trainer surprised upon seeing his Alakazam.

“Alakazam, why are you here!? I told you to stay back there… but I need your help for now. We need to track down Ambipom quickly before something bad happens to it,” the trainer said. As it stood back up again and started to walk with Alakazam, as they both explore the huge forest together, searching for Ambipom.

At the heart of the forest, there was a large buzzing noise that kept Ambipom from concentrating. The noise came closer and closer to Ambipom. It turned around from the cavern’s mouth as it checked its surroundings if there was anyone or anything that came nearer and nearer to it. Seconds later, the buzzing noise appeared right in front of Ambipom. It came from a red bug-like creature. It had four almost-transparent wings, two on each side of its body, and had a red line near the end of each wing.

The noise came from the Yanma that appeared in Ambipom’s very own eyes. It was very angry, as if it was protecting the cavern, or maybe even something even more valuable inside the cavern. It started to yell its name out loud in the skies as it created a vibrating wave that went towards Ambipom. Ambipom was startled and was eventually hit by the Bug Buzz attack that Yanma created, tossing it into the trees.

“Ugh, I was caught off guard. I need to attack faster or else I’ll be beaten by this Yanma,” Ambipom thought to himself. It ran quickly towards the dragonfly with great speed, disappearing and reappearing as it ran. While it used Agility to get near towards Yanma, it used one of its huge tails to make a large jump towards Yanma. Yanma flew sideways, evading Ambipom, but Ambipom’s other tail ignites with flame, hitting Yanma right on the head. The fire struck Yanma in its head, sending it into the crisscrossed vines, which bounced it back towards the ground.

“Tch, this Yanma won’t give up,” Ambipom said to himself. Yanma started to fly up in the air again, as if it took almost no damage at all from the Fire Punch, but its face was covered in bruises. Yanma started to form a ball of wind using its wings, aiming it closely at Ambipom. The ball of wind grew bigger and bigger, Ambipom just stared at it, not knowing what to do next. Yanma finally launched the Air Slash towards Ambipom, slicing one tree along the way. Ambipom took the damage quite well as it was tossed into another tree again. The sliced tree started to fall towards Ambipom, but it quickly stood up and avoided the tree from smashing it to pieces.

Ambipom’s small arms started to glow blue as it launched thin streams of blue electricity towards Yanma. The Thunder Wave was about to hit but Yanma suddenly made multiple copies of itself, almost entirely covering the heart of the forest with illusions of Yanma. Ambipom was angry, it wanted to take down the Yanma quickly before its trainer would found out that Ambipom was about to go inside the cavern.

“I’ll try and use Double Hit to hit all of those illusions Yanma made,” Ambipom commanded itself as it jumped from one illusion, which suddenly disappeared upon stepping on it, as it attacked all of the illusions with its tail twice. It jumped on one illusion, while hitting the two illusions beside it as it jumped into another illusion and doing the same thing over and over again. It took enough time for Ambipom to completely destroy all illusions as it managed to find the real Yanma, attacking it with a strong Double Hit attack, sending it to the ground once more.

Yanma suddenly turns white then a large white energy ball started to form in front of its body, aiming steadily at Ambipom. Seconds later, it blasted the Ancient Power attack towards Ambipom. It quickly evaded it but the white ball landed on the ground near Ambipom. The ground exploded as it launched smaller pieces of rocks all over the place, damaging Ambipom and Yanma along the way.

“I need to watch my distance from Yanma, it can deal quite some damage to me,” Ambipom noted itself. It started to jump towards Yanma once more. Its tails turned yellow as sparks of electricity started to appear on the glowing hand-like structure on its tail. It striked Yanma on the body as it was covered with small particles of electricity. Without a doubt, Yanma was paralyzed from the Thunder Punch that Ambipom released.

Yanma tried to struggle with paralysis as it flapped its wings hard enough to create massive shockwaves towards Ambipom. Because it was slow enough to perform the attack, Ambipom easily managed to evade the attack as it started to launch its final attack, Last Resort. Its body started to glow in a white color as bright yellow starts started to release from its body, all went towards Yanma. The yellow stars damaged Yanma, one by one, until it eventually fell on the ground. Ambipom, upon defeating Yanma, hurriedly ran towards to the cavern’s interior before the trainer and his Alakazam could reach the heart of the forest.

“Wow, look at this place. Ambipom must have done this thing all by itself,” the trainer wondered, amazed from what he saw. The Yanma was still lying on the ground--electric sparks still covered most of its body due to paralysis. Most of the surroundings were destroyed; a sliced tree that damaged another tree right beside it, a large crater in the ground with lots of small rocks scattered near the crater. The trainer eventually noticed the cavern near the crater as it saw some oval footprints near the cavern’s mouth.

“This must be Ambipom’s footprints. Let’s follow it, Alakazam!” the trainer commanded. Alakazam started to go inside the cavern as the trainer took one last look at the heart of the forest. It was a total wreck. He still can’t believe that his Ambipom could do such a thing when it comes to battling. Surprised enough, he approached the Yanma, sadly looking at it. He eventually followed Alakazam inside the cavern. Minutes later, the Yanma rose from the ground, the electric sparks finally disappeared, as it flew inside the cavern as well.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pokemon going for:

Yanma

Difficulty:

Medium

Characters Needed:

10,000 - 20,000 Characters

Characters Attained:

10,346
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  #2  
Old 12-28-2009, 05:07 AM
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Default Re: Ambipom's Tails of Adventures [Chapter 1: NEEDS A GRADER!!!]

Chapter 1 is now ready for grading!! ^ - ^

POKEMON INVOLVED:

Other's Pokemon:



Wild Pokemon:

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  #3  
Old 01-08-2010, 10:14 AM
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Default Re: Ambipom's Tails of Adventures

Grade!

Plot

A trainer (who, uh, is never named ._.) has decided to take a day of leisure and bonding with his Pokemon, but a particularly grouchy one of the group, Ambipom, just doesn’t want to cooperate! Flying into the forest and running to a particularly nasty Yanma in a man-made section of it, they battle and the trainer comes running just as it finishes up. Bada-bing.

All-in-all, not the most amazing, complex, in depth plot I’ve seen - but, hey, it’s a Medium Pokemon and only the first chapter of many more chapters to come! I’m sure a great plotline is brewing, so I’m not going to judge too harshly. At least you didn’t take the whole ‘boy walks into a forest, finds Pokemon, etc.’ approach, yeah?

There was a major fault in his story. Why. Didn’t. You. Name. The. Trainer?! That was terribly frustrating! Throughout the whole story you described him as ‘the trainer’ or ‘the boy’. Was this deliberate because he was supposed to have some kind of mystery about him? If he was, I think you should have gone about this mystery in a much better way by focusing more of the story on Yanma than the trainer. If not, and you simply forgot to give him a name; then, good golly, give the boy some character!

Another thing that kind of irked me was the lack of real character from the characters except the stubborn Yanma; you should try and create as in depth and complex characters as you can, despite whether it’s a Medium story or a Demanding one. It’s more fun and believable for the reader and also allows them to connect with the characters more; which makes it all the more important to give them names, as well! :P

Anyway, the plot wasn’t amazing but it was perfectly fine for a Medium ‘mon. Good work. ^^

Introduction

The intro was kind of ‘meh’ for me. The unnamed trainer releasing his Pokemon for a day of play? It didn’t really succeed in hooking me in, making me interested in the story; it’s always great fun for the reader when intros succeed in doing this.

However, you had a nice bit of description at the start and as far as Medium introductions go, you had all the stuff necessary. Who, what, when, where; all that junk. However, one thing you were lacking was: why? Why did the boy suddenly decide to take his Pokemon on his seemingly random trip? Where does the boy come from? Giving characters a backstory can be a great tool in showing the readers how their past has influenced their current decisions, giving them depth. Even writing your own backstory and not showing anyone gives your characters more personality as you keep in mind the decisions they would make based off their unique experiences. Keep that in mind! It’s always great to write backstories for your characters; even if they’re not part of the stories themselves (though it’s great if they are.)

Length

Yanma is Medium (10-20 k) and your story only just brushed past 10 k. Normally I don’t pay too much attention to this set length, but your story did seem to be rather… small. I quite liked it though.

Grammar

Right. Things as far as punctuation, spelling, etc. - flawless. Great work! Fabulous grammar skills, I see you have a great grasp on basic grammar concepts. I remember reading another one of your stories a while back, and your writing skills were not nearly as great as they are now. Give yourself a pat on the back; improvement is totally awesome.

Now, there was a HUGE problem in your story. And that was the pronouns you gave each of your characters! You had a horrible mixture of referring to your human Trainer as ’it’ and ’him’. Humans aren’t an ’it’! Humans are a he or a she! Gah! This was just frustrating. If you had it constantly as one description it wouldn’t have bothered me so much; but the problem was you were constantly alternating between describing Yanma and the Trainer as ’he’ or ’it’. Examples:

Quote:
The trainer laughed with its Pokemon, eventually it started to check who’s missing by counting all of the Pokemon gathered on the fields. He managed to do about five recounts because he felt that someone was missing,
Quote:
“Ambipom, just where in the world are you!?” the trainer worriedly said to itself. He was running around the forest at great speed, but it just can’t find Ambipom anywhere.
^ in that quote there’s also a tense issue. It should be ‘but it/he just couldn’t find Ambipom anywhere.’

Quote:
“Ugh, I was caught off guard. I need to attack faster or else I’ll be beaten by this Yanma,” Ambipom thought to himself. It ran quickly towards the dragonfly with great speed, disappearing and reappearing as it ran.
See what I mean? Stop alternating between ‘it’ and ‘him’! I don’t know if this is a habit in any other of your stories, but if it is I assure you, you should try and eliminate it straight away. XD. You also had a few typos; I think simply going over your work and reading it carefully can be a surefire way to eliminate embarrassing things like that happening. :P

Apart from that one fatal flaw, your grammar was spotless. Fantastic! Pat on the back. :3

Description

Wow. You have improved so much from the last story of yours I’ve read. Really, great work.

Anyway, your descriptions are definitely fine for a Medium level story. You described everything the characters saw well, with a pretty good vocabulary and descriptive skills. Great work! May I suggest something to improve your describing skills, though? Try showing the reader more than just things to look at. Different senses such as smell, taste and hearing can all be expressed through writing, and I think you should try that. What did the forest smell like? What did Yanma’s cry sound like? What could the characters taste in the air after everything had been destroyed? They are all good points to start at. ^^

Those are just some pointers to help you continue improving your writing. The story’s fine for a Medium, but you want to keep aiming higher and higher, right?

Battle

Ooh. Very nice battle! Yeah, I’ve no complaints here; I think you used the scenery particularly well, which a lot of writers often struggle with in their stories. There wasn’t just attack after attack after attack, you actually got quite creative in the way the Pokemon battled each other and using combos of moves as well as objects from the landscape around them. It was a pleasure to read, really.

However, if you wanted to improve the battle section, take in mind my suggestions in the Description section about showing the reader smells, sounds and tastes. They can enhance the story and really make the reader feel that they are right there in the middle of the action. A wider array of sensory descriptions can achieve this quite well, so yeah. :]

Overall

I quite liked this story. It was a nice, easy read and an easy grade as well. Although the plot was a little lacking as well as the intro, they’re not going to keep you from getting your Yanma. Yanma captured!
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  #4  
Old 01-09-2010, 04:38 AM
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Default Re: Ambipom's Tails of Adventures

- Chapter 2: Shroomish and Lotad -

On the previous chapter of “Ambipom’s Tails of Adventures”: An unnamed trainer that wore a light green t-shirt, with the number twenty-two placed on the back of his shirt, went out to the open fields so that his Pokemon could come out for once to go and get some fresh air. But the purple monkey decided to go and have its own adventures because it was tired from playing with its fellow Pokemon and trainer. In the middle of the jungle, the trainer realized that Ambipom was missing and he started to look for Ambipom but Alakazam tracked the trainer and helped him in searching for Ambipom. Meanwhile, Ambipom faced a Yanma at the heart of the forest, that had a cavern’s mouth that led to nowhere. Ambipom managed to defeat the Yanma and eventually, it ran straight towards the slimy cavern’s mouth, hoping that its trainer would not find Ambipom.

“I hope Ragna doesn’t come in and go looking for me,” Ambipom worriedly said to itself by repeatedly saying its name softly. It walked inside the cavern, touching the shining crystals that came out from the ground as Ambipom walked past right it. It was walking the slimy cave until it came into a forked path. The left part of the forked path was just the same as the other parts of the cavern: it was filled with crystals and slimes touching every stone of the path. The right part of the forked road was neater: there were no traces of crystals and slime on the path, and on the near end of the path was a faint light that could lead someone into another place outside the cavern. Ambipom eventually chose the right path, because it knew that the faint light would lead Ambipom outside the cavern.

“I wonder why Ambipom went into a place like this?” the trainer asked his yellowish Pokemon that had yellow plate-like things covering most of its body. Just like what Ambipom had said to itself, the trainer was named ‘Ragna’ and apparently, they, too, were looking for Ambipom while the rest of Ragna’s Pokemon were in the field playing with their fellow Pokemon. They crossed the crystal figures and the slimy puddles, but there was still no sign of Ambipom’s trails that would take Ragna and Alakazam towards Ambipom—he began to realize that this would be the toughest task they would ever do.

Ragna and Alakazam eventually reached the forked path—they were now standing on the same grounds that Ambipom stood a while ago. They decided carefully whether they will take the left or the right path. Alakazam suggested Ragna that they should take the left path, but Ragna insisted to go otherwise. They were still stuck on the middle of the forked path, deciding which path to take. Meanwhile, Ambipom was already outside of the cave, thanks to the right path that it took a while ago. Ambipom was walking in a grassy field, sunflowers blooming everywhere in its path. The sunflowers made the air nice and cozy, as well as the Sunflora that lived there. The sun shined brightly as the cirrus clouds started to go to the east.

“Well this is a nice place,” Ambipom thought. Ambipom’s front view was the flowery fields that amazed its sight, while the view on its back was the slimy cave that it had exited earlier. It stepped away from the cavern’s mouth that was covered with large and tall trees on its sides. As it walked right past some Pokemon and the sunflowers, Ambipom saw a large green hill that had a nice house standing on the very top of the hill.

“This is getting hopeless! We’ll take the left path. I know your psychic powers help us a lot so I’ll follow your decisions,” Ragna said to Alakazam as he and his Pokemon started to walk towards the left path, the opposite path that Ambipom took. They kept on walking on the slimy path that was filled with crystals as they walked along the path. The faintest traces of Ambipom seemed to disappear when they took the left path. It’s as if they had taken the wrong turn at the forked path.

Minutes later, Ragna and Alakazam was still walking inside the cavern when they heard a loud drop of slime that fell from the ceiling—someone must be following them. They ignored the first sign and continued their search. As they kept on walking inside the cavern, the cave seemed to be a bit darker and slimier than it usually was—more signs were being showed to Ragna and Alakazam that someone was following them. They ignored it once more until they reached the very middle of the cave. The stench smelled awfully bad, as if there lots of food decayed here. The place was also the slimiest than the rest of the places they took.

“This is getting creepy. Someone must really be following us. The slimes could’ve come from the person or thing, or things, that followed us,” Ragna worriedly mentioned. They stood on one side of the middle of the cave. Blue small dots appeared at the ceiling of the cave. The blue dots came down from the ceiling as they started to reveal their form to Ragna and Alakazam. Their green leaves covered most of the ground, which was also filled with slime--it could be the only source of the cave’s slime. Their blue bodies matched the color of the crystals inside the cavern. The Lotad surrounded Ragna and Alakazam as more and more Lotad appeared from Ragna and Alakazam’s back, blocking their way out of the cavern.

Meanwhile, Ambipom still wondered who lived in the house at the hilltop. It searched the grassy fields for signs of enemies—there were no Pokemon that seemed to be a threat for Ambipom at the moment. But still, Ambipom mustn’t get caught off guard when someone ambushes it. But what Ambipom doesn’t know is that the one that lived at the hilltop is actually a Pokemon poacher. One that was ready to hunt any wandering Pokemon that came barging in on the poacher’s territory.

“A wandering Pokemon, huh? This would be perfect for my collection,” said a dark voice. He was looking in a camera with the use of a machine that looked exactly like Sunflora, but was actually a hidden camera to detect wanderers. He sat on the brown chair as he looked at the computer screens that flashed different parts of the field. He held is cigar and breathed smoke from his bearded mouth, cigar dust falling towards his brown suit and pants, making him look like a sheriff. He really had no bad intentions in his life, he just wanted to protect his fields from being destroyed by wanderers. To do that, he had to battle trainers that wandered here, or catch the wild Pokemon that wandered round the fields.

Seconds later, a dozen of mushroom-like Pokemon ran angrily towards Ambipom. Their small green feet made them a bit slow in running, but their large brown bodies made them look like a very formidable opponent—a Shroomish might not be so hard, but fighting a dozen of them would be harder than Ambipom could imagine.

“Alakazam, use Psychic to make sure that no Lotad could harm us!” Ragna commanded quickly. Alakazam’s eyes turned purple as the Lotad started to float in mid-air, as they glowed with a blue color. But while the Lotad are mid-air, some of their mouths started to charge up a greenish-blue ball of energy and starts to launch it at Alakazam. The Energy Ball reached Alakazam badly that it got damaged from the attack and damage as well as it launched towards the slimy walls of the cavern.

“Tch, we need to lessen the Lotad in here. Use Hidden Power, Alakazam!” Ragna yelled at Alakazam, hoping for it to recover quickly enough to make the attack. Alakazam started to glow with a yellow color and points its spoon in the air, white circles started to form around Alakazam. Eventually, the small circles started to shoot at some Lotad in the battle terrain, making some leave Ragna and Alakazam alone—but the battle is far from over to begin with. Only half of the Lotad left Ragna and Alakazam, so they have to deal with about a dozen more Lotad before they could escape the cavern. Some circles blasted towards most of the crystals, which bounced back towards Alakazam, giving him more bruises and damages.

“Alakazam, hang in there! We just need to lessen the Lotad, catching one along the way, before we could escape the cavern!” Ragna tried to cheer Alakazam up. The Lotad tried to counter the damage that Alakazam made by releasing a stream of white bubbles towards Alakazam. The bubbles reached Alakazam, tossing it once more at the walls—it just can’t take any more damage at this point or Alakazam will faint in the middle of the cavern.

Back at the grassy fields, Ambipom just had made its first move. It jumped from the ground and its two tails began to ignite with fire, launching it towards two Shroomish, launching them nearer to the hills. Upon seeing the injured Shroomish, its fellow Shroomish started to charge up and launched lots of explosive seeds towards Ambipom. The seeds flew from one place to another, destroying patches and patches of grass as they touched the ground. Ambipom ran quickly away from the seeds so that it couldn’t get hit. But one seed flew towards a spot near Ambipom, it suddenly exploded as Ambipom was caught off-guard, knocking it down to the grassy ground. The Sunflora that lived in the fields suddenly ran to someplace safe, one that had no exploding seeds in the surroundings.

“They are just too many. I have to think of something to make some of them faint,” Ambipom thought. It eventually started to run at high speed towards the Shroomish, disappearing from one place and then reappearing in a spot near where it disappeared. It kept doing the disappearing and reappearing trick until it caught the Shroomish off guard, Ambipom started to use Scratch on the Shroomish if it came near them. About three of the Shroomish left the battleground, while nine of them were still determined to fight Ambipom until they succeeded in saving the fields. Ambipom was surrounded by the Shroomish, when suddenly, four of them started to dash towards Ambipom, with their head pointed at Ambipom. Delivering a Headbutt might not be so painful, but four of them all at once, that would be painful. The Headbutts damaged Ambipom badly, as it kneeled down the ground, looking as if it can’t fight back anymore.

“Alakazam, use Recover!” Ragna quickly commanded. Without any further hesitations, Alakazam pointed its spoons out as it glows with a bright green color. Its bruises and damages slowly started to fade away, making it able to fight back once more. While Alakazam was still using Recover, the Lotad started to blast streams of water rays towards Alakazam. Ragna watched as the Water Gun was about to reach Alakazam.

“Alakazam, hurry and use Barrier to protect yourself from the Water Gun!” Ragna yelled. Alakazam stopped glowing and its surroundings started to get covered with transparent barriers that could protect it from any harm that would come and injure it. The streams of water reached the barriers, the number of Lotad using Water Gun towards the Barrier was definitely strong, the Barrier could break at any moment. Alakazam meditated strong enough to keep the Barrier in shape; cracks suddenly appeared at the Barriers. Luckily, the Lotad got tired and stopped using Water Gun. Seconds later, the large leaf that they carried in their body started to glow with a white color, which could only mean one thing; the Lotad were preparing for a Solarbeam attack. Ragna must think of something before the Lotad would launch the final move that would make Alakazam unable to battle.

On the grassy fields, Ambipom helplessly tried to stand up. While Ambipom was still struggling to stand up on its own two feet, the Shroomish suddenly used Growth, as each one emitted a green beam from their heads and pointed it at the sky. The green beam was filled with energy that would strengthen the Shroomish for better attacks and damages. Ambipom finally stood up successfully as it watched the Shroomish shoot green beams towards the sky. Ambipom suddenly used its tail to each Shroomish, slapping each one twice, to make them stop using Growth. The Double Hit was the only usable attack at the moment that would deal damage to all of the Shroomish.

Ambipom’s body was eventually covered with small white stars, making the Shroomish unable to come near Ambipom. While Ambipom was storing white stars to be used towards the Shroomish, they launched white and fluffy spores towards Ambipom. Once the spores would make a direct contact with Ambipom, it will make it asleep for a few hours or so. Ambipom started to launch the stars towards the Shroomish, but most of the stars were just launched towards the spores, sending the spores away from them. While some white stars were launched towards the Shroomish, which tossed them towards the grassy grounds. For a second, it would seem that Ambipom was victorious, but two out of nine Shroomish still managed to stand up all injured, ready to fight Ambipom to the very end.

“Alakazam, use Disable to hold off the Lotad from using Solarbeam!” Ragna yelled. Alakazam, too tired to even fight with the Lotad, meditated fastly as it can, making the Lotad completely immobilized from launching the Solarbeam attack towards Alakazam. After using Disable at the Lotad, Alakazam completely fainted inside the cave; it was too tired and damaged to even fight back from the Lotad. Ragna took one Pokeball from his pocket and placed Alakazam back inside the Pokeball.

“You did a good job, Alakazam. I guess I’ll have to try my luck in catching one of these,” Ragna said to itself as it took another Pokeball in its pocket, only this time, it was empty. Ragna threw the empty Pokeball towards one of the Lotad. The Pokeball opened and released a bright white light that sucked Lotad inside the Pokeball. It rested on the slimy ground, while the other Lotad was still struggling to break free from the Disable. The Pokeball wiggled on the floor as Ragna and Alakazam watched closely, hoping that they could hopefully catch one Lotad.

“It seemed that my Last Resort was still not enough for these two Shroomish to faint,” Ambipom thought to itself. Ambipom was out of moves to use, and out of strategies to perform as well. It had no other choice but to run away from the Shroomish, hoping that at least one would follow it before giving the last Shroomish the final blow. It started to run as fast as it can, evading the scared Sunflora and the fainted Shroomish along the way. Eventually, the two surviving Shroomish followed Ambipom around the grassy fields.

It’s like they were playing a game of cat and mouse, Ambipom being the mouse. It still needs of a plan to finally end the battle. But as of now, Ambipom still had no idea on how to end the battle. One Shroomish stopped following Ambipom as it started to launch a greenish-blue ball of energy, aiming it carefully at the right spot, making sure that it would hit Ambipom and not the other Shroomish—it was a risky move at the moment but it should be executed. The Shroomish finally launched the Energy Ball towards Ambipom. Ambipom stopped running and looked back at Shroomish. It created a massive yellow ball of electricity towards Shroomish. The Thunder Wave managed to hit Shroomish so Ambipom quickly ran behind the paralyzed Shroomish. The Energy Ball was heading in a straight direction towards the paralyzed Shroomish. It finally struck Shroomish, which made it faint along the way, making Ambipom free to escape the fields.

“Tch, the wanderer escaped. So much for my plan to catch the Ambipom, but you will soon be mine,” the poacher laughed menacingly as he watched in the computer screens. It showed Ambipom running towards the hilltop, the place where the poacher can be located. Ambipom had no clue in the world who or what could be living at the house on the hilltop. As Ambipom ran with fear and anxiety, it felt like it wanted to come back towards its trainer soon enough, before any more danger could appear in front of Ambipom’s very own eyes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pokemon going for:

Shroomish and Lotad

Difficulty:

Medium and Simple

Characters Needed:

15,000 - 30,000 Characters

Characters Attained:

15,869
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  #5  
Old 01-09-2010, 04:41 AM
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Default Re: Ambipom's Tails of Adventures

Chapter 2 is now ready for grading!! ^ - ^

POKEMON INVOLVED:

Ragna's Pokemon:



Wild Pokemon:

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  #6  
Old 01-23-2010, 10:56 PM
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Default Re: Ambipom's Tails of Adventures

Introduction: Although I didn't read your earlier stories, you still introduced your story with a recap which helped me to understand at least a little bit of your character, his Pokemon, and previous events.

Plot: This was very standard, especially for a combined capture of Simple and Medium-ranked Pokemon. I'd normally advise against such a thing if you want to capture even just one Pokemon on a Medium level. Try your hardest to do just more than what is necessary: go for it all, not just what you have to. Add more scenes to make the story interesting: what if Alakazam and Ragna got into a conflict? Maybe he has a flashback of a childhood event during the fight with the Lotad. The story should be exactly that: a story, not just an overall summary of events which is what it seemed at times.

Dialogue: There wasn't enough of this here. I'd certainly like to see more dialogue between Ragna and his Pokemon. Dialogue is a great way of developing your characters. It helps a person get a feel for their personality and perspective on things.

Grammar: This was pretty good. You didn't use a whole bunch of commas, your sentences were long enough though the story felt a little choppy because of it. I'd say that the worst part about the grammar was that the tenses continued to switch from past to present.

Quote:
The bubbles reached Alakazam, tossing it once more at the walls—it just can’t take any more damage at this point or Alakazam will faint in the middle of the cavern.
"Reached", which is past tense, is what most of your story was written in. In the same sentence, you used "can't" and "will" both of which are of present tense. You should use "could" and "would" in place of those two. Contrarily, when the character is speaking, he must use "can" instead of "could" because the character himself is in present tense. If you have questions, just ask, because it can get a little confusing sometimes.

Detail: There was a tolerable amount. You did describe the settings and the Pokemon well, but I can't help myself to say that you could have added just a little bit more.

Battle: The battle was long enough and you described your attacks pretty well other than just "Psychic" or "Faint Attack". It was also two-sided and did damage to equal parties.

Length: You only scraped by with the necessary minimum amount. Let's try to bump it up with a little more detail and dialogue next time, eh?

Outcome: Lotad & Shroomish captured! Just try to aim for more than what you can do. Grades become harsher the higher the level. Use detail and dialogue to enhance your plot by adding more scenes; everything seems a little distant at the moment, but you'll get the hang of it with experience! <3
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