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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-26-2010, 08:32 PM
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Default Christmas Time is Near {WWC Entry}

Ah, by first story since returning the URPG. What a wonderful feeling. Sadly, this story feels rather rushed to me... but I have to leave tommorrow and won't be back until the 1st, which leaves me very little time to edit this or come up with something better. However, this story is Christmas themed and short, so who knows? Maybe it will turn into a winner this year. On a completely different note, the format of this looks really silly to me, since I wrote it in Word with the book format... Not sure why I should mention that, but it seems rather important to me. Anyways, here are all the times you may or may not want to hear.

Title;; Christmas Time is Near
Target;; Skitty
Ideal Range;; 5,000 to 10,000 characters
Actual Characters (without spaces);; 7,037
Actual Characters (with spaces);; 8,584
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 12-26-2010 at 10:23 PM.
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:34 PM
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Default Re: Christmas Time is Near {WWC Entry}

A warm fireplace flickered in the cool night, casting orange shadows on the sleeping children. Mrs. Anders rocked back and forth in the old rocking chair as she finished reading the classic Christmas tale – the one that everyone has heard when they were a child.

It was Christmas Eve and all through the brick house, not even a Rattata was stirring. Everything was silent in Rustburo City.

Mrs. Anders, a short woman with dark red hair, stood up a good twenty minutes after her children had fallen asleep. The twins, Zoey and Eva, were curled up next to each other, each cradling their favorite Pokémon stuffed animals. In Zoey’s pale arms was a Skitty and in Eva’s, an uncommon Pokémon that is not native to Hoenn – a Phanpy.

The youngest in the Anders family, Noel (she was born on Christmas Day four years ago), was curled up under her Pichu and friends blanket, cuddling one of the family pets. Noel and the Poochyena were sound asleep, as was the rest of the house. Mrs. Anders stood up and carried Noel up to her bed, placing the young Poochyena on Noel’s bed as well. Mr. Anders helped his wife put the nine year old twins to bed as well.

“You’ve got the Phanpy, haven’t you?” Mrs. Anders asked in a whispered and urgent voice.

“Of course I did,” Mr. Anders replied. “I had to call in a ton of favors to get my hand on him, though. You remember Abby Frust, right? Her sister lived in Johto and had a couple of Donphan. She started to breed them, so I got to chose the Phanpy that’s right for Eva.”

Mrs. Anders sighed with relief. “Oh thank goodness. I was starting to worry about whether we could get a hold of one.”

“I managed, didn’t I?” Mr. Anders said with a smirk. “You got the Skitty for Zoey?”
There was a distinct and dreadful pause.
“You were in charge of the Pokémon for the girls, Ralph,” Mrs. Anders said slowly, as if she was afraid that her husband would miss something.

“I was in charge of obtaining the Phanpy, Susan,” Ralph Anders retorted painfully.

“So we don’t have a Skitty for her?” The short woman banged her tiny fist on the kitchen counter. “You need to go out and get a Skitty, Ralph. Zoey will be horrified if Eva gets a Pokémon and she doesn’t. They are turning ten in two and a half weeks!”

From the top of the stairs, a blonde haired teen peered around the wall. “Hey, I can go out and get a Skitty, if you want me too,” he said, smiling mischievously.

“River! What on earth are you doing up?” growled Mrs. Anders, turning on her fifteen year old son.

“It’s a good idea, Mom,” River pointed out. “I mean, think about it. I know where they hang out, usually. Me and my Pokémon can catch one.”

Mr. Anders nodded his head in agreement. “He has a point, Sue,” he said.

“Ralph, I thought we talked about this. He is grounded. That means no leaving the house. There is absolutely no chance that he is going out there. And at night, for goodness sake’s Ralph, how can you agree with him?” Susan Anders said rapidly, flinging her arms in the air as she turned from her husband to her oldest child and back to her husband angrily.

“Honey, calm down,” Ralph said quietly. “I think that River and I should go out and look for a Skitty for Zoey. If it makes you feel any better, we can have one of the Poochyena go with him.”

“Why not just ask my Mightyena to keep me in line? She listens to you, mom,” River said, extracting a black and gray Pokeball from his pocket and tossing it up. His green eyes glistened with waywardness.

Susan Anders and River Anders glared at each other, showing the same stubbornness. Mr. Anders looked between the two awkwardly, unsure as to what to do. A good minute later, Susan sighed. “Alright, fine. But Mightyena will make sure you come straight here by midnight, you got that?”

River nodded. “Fine,” he said, tossing the black and gray Pokeball into the air to release the first Pokémon he ever obtained, Mightyena.

The wolf like Pokémon bowed slightly to River’s mother, as she was the one that had raised her since she was a pup.

“Make sure River is back here by midnight, okay Mightyena?” Mrs. Anders said sharply. Mightyena’s ears folded backwards, but she nodded. “Now both of you go on. It’s quarter after eleven as it is, you don’t have much time.”

River grinned. “I’ll see you later, Mom,” he laughed before sliding his tennis shoes on and racing out the door. His father sighed, picking up a belt with six red and white orbs attached. He put his own shoes one, kissed his wife and then followed his on out the door.

River already had a Raichu and his Mightyena out, ready to battle. “Why don’t you take the area right outside Rustburo? I can take the area outside the Rustburo Tunnel. We can meet in the middle.”

Ralph pondered this for a moment. “Alright, fine,” he said, releasing two of his own Pokémon. “I trust you, Mightyena, but I will definitely come find you at about midnight, okay?”

“I got it, Dad,” grumbled River. “I got it, I got it, I got it. I will be home by midnight, I swear.”

Mightyena barked, as if she was personally attesting to her Trainer’s word.

“Alright,” Mr. Anders said, nodding his head in agreement.



“Raii…” the electric mouse Pokémon grumbled angrily, poking his orange head out of a clump of extra tall grass. The Raichu yawned loudly, his thin black tail stretching as he did so.

River sighed. “Fine, you can rest,” he said, recalling Raichu to his Pokeball. His Mightyena, a majestic black and gray Pokémon who had been the fifteen-year-old’s partner since he was ten years old, yawned as well. This time, however, River shot a warning glance.

“Not until we find a Skitty,” he told his Mightyena. He peered into another batch of grass, only to find three sleeping Whismur. “Dammit! If I find one more Whismur, I am going to kill somebody!”

At the sudden yell, one of the Whismur looked up at the Trainer and, having been woken from its deep sleep, it began to cry. The Uproar scattered dozens of Taillow and Nincada from their resting places. River covered his ears in a desperate attempt to block the sound.

Mightyena barked, wagging her tail in a laughing manner. River turned his green-eyed stare to the Bite Pokémon before he grinned. “Oh shut it,” River snapped good-naturedly.

From the corner of his eye, River saw a flash of pink. “There!” he shouted over the Whismur’s Uproar, pointing at yet another patch of tall grass. “A Skitty is over there!”

Mightyena turned her head, narrowing her red eyes. She let out a viscous Howl before leaping towards the grass, where a pink, balloon-shaped object with three yellow circles was trembling. The grass rustled again and the tail sped off into the distance.

River and Mightyena raced after it. “Mightyena! Use Scary Face!” he shouted, skidding to a halt near the border of Rustburo City.

Mightyena sped up and jumped in front of the Kitten Pokémon, a feat easily accomplished by the Dark type Pokémon due to her long legs, evolved form and superior speed. The Skitty came to a screeching stop, its tiny, squinted eyes wide with fear for Mightyena had twisted its face into one of the most horrific and terrifying faces the poor pink and cream Pokémon had ever seen.

Now that the Skitty was too stunned to move its trembling body, River called out another command.

“Mightyena, use Bite!”

The black and gray Pokémon barked before she leapt onto the poor Skitty and bit into its thick tail. The Pokémon yowled with pain, but seemed to come it its senses and ripped its tail out of Mightyena’s mouth and proceeded to use it to slap the canine.

Now it was Mightyena’s turn to yowl in pain, for the Wake Up Slap was super effective against Mightyena’s Dark type. This being said, Mightyena was not too happy about the sudden change. She did not appreciate being attacked by a tiny pink Pokémon.

Mightyena was River’s favorite Pokémon to use in battle because of her stubbornness, loyalty and raw attack power. However, River has frequently faced his star Pokémon’s downside in battles like these. If angered, this particular Mightyena will not listen to River.

Mightyena crashed her head into Skitty’s tiny (and fluffy) body in a powerful Assurance attack. The Kitten Pokémon went limp; the only movement visible was the slight rise and fall of its chest.

River took this as his chance to throw a Heal Ball, a type of Pokeball that heals the captured Pokémon and restores it back to its full health. He thought it would be the best choice of Pokeball, mostly because of its pink coloration.

The Pokeball sucked Skitty up from its place besides Mightyena and with a small click, it began to shake.
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  #3  
Old 12-26-2010, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: Christmas Time is Near {WWC Entry}

Ready for Grading
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  #4  
Old 03-02-2011, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Christmas Time is Near {WWC Entry}

The Good

Plot:
This is a simple 'go out and catch' story. I do like the twist that this is during Christmas Eve and the dad has to catch a Pokemon before Christmas.
Loved the joke about finding Wishmur all the time.

Detail:
Your other grades mentioned spreading details throughout the story rather than all at once. I see good improvement with that here.

You also do a great job setting up the rest of the family. Having the twins hugging the Pokemon they are to receive gives the reader something to be emotionally attached to, and to hope that they both get what they want.

Effort for Pokemon:
Hmm.

Improve Upon

Grammar:
And now, a lesson on using Pronouns vs Proper Nouns. A Proper Noun represents a specific noun, such as your name. A Pronoun is used to replace a Proper Noun to avoid repetition, such as he, she, they, etc.

You start well by listing the names of each character. But then you get into a conversation between Mr/Mrs. Anders. When only two people are talking to each other, you don't need to repeat their name (Mr. Anders said…. Mrs. Anders said…). A simple he said-she said is all you need since the reader knows whom is talking to whom.

Shortly after, you introduce River to the conversation. Now it's two guys and one girl. It gets a bit trickier but easily manageable.
Use the dialogue to show who is talking without saying it. When Mr. Anders says 'Honey', we know River would never say that. We know Mrs. Anders says 'Ralph' and Mr. Anders says 'Sue' because a child would not call their parents by first name. When Mom asks River a question, the reader should be able to figure out that River is the ones answering directly after. However, in that case, using 'River' is fine in order to emphasize his name once more.

Spoiler:
“River! What on earth are you doing up?” Mom growled, turning to her fifteen year old son. {'Turn on' is not a direction}

“It’s a good idea, Mom,” the teen pointed out. “I mean, think about it. I know where they hang out, usually. Me and my Pokémon can catch one.”

“He has a point, Sue,” the husband said in agreement. {Eliminate the first sentence and tack on the rest at the end.}

“Ralph, I thought we talked about this. He is grounded. That means no leaving the house. There is absolutely no chance that he is going out there. And at night, for goodness sake’s Ralph, how can you agree with him?” she said rapidly, flinging her arms in the air as she turned from her husband to her oldest child and back to her husband angrily.

“Honey, calm down,” he said quietly. “I think that River and I should go out and look for a Skitty for Zoey. If it makes you feel any better, we can have one of the Poochyena go with him.”

“Why not just ask my Mightyena to keep me in line? She listens to you, mom,” the teen said, extracting a black and gray Pokeball from his pocket and tossing it up. His green eyes glistened with waywardness.

The parents glared at each other, showing the same stubbornness. Mr. Anders looked between the two awkwardly, unsure as to what to do. A good minute later, Susan sighed. “Alright, fine. But Mightyena will make sure you come straight here by midnight, you got that?”

River nodded. “Fine,” he said, tossing the black and gray Pokeball into the air to release the first Pokémon he ever obtained, Mightyena.


Oh, but we aren't done yet. When dad and son go out to find Skitty, they split up. Now we have River, a male, alone with Mightyena, a female. Skitty is an it during this battle. For battling purposes, using personal nouns are perfectly fine since it can get confusing with all the action. However, you need to cut back using 'River' so much and replace him with more pronouns.

Quote:
His Mightyena, a majestic black and gray Pokémon who had been the fifteen-year-old’s partner since he was ten years old, yawned as well. This time, however, River shot a warning glance.

“Not until we find a Skitty,” he told his Mightyena.
It took me a while to figure out River was telling Mightyena that she can't sleep until they find Skitty. But it's not clearly written why he made that warning glance. Now, if he says something like "Oh no, not you too. I need you awake until we find a Skitty" then it works a lot better and it's easily understandable.

Plot:
Very predictable. Now, if you made finding Skitty more difficult or even time consuming (say, after midnight), it would have been more exciting during the search.

Detail:
No faults with this particular story, just some thoughts that popped into my head. There's something about River that makes him a mysterious character. Why was he grounded? Why wasn't he with the family when mom read the story? What kind of experience does he have as a Trainer? Why does Mightyena listen to Mom more?

There's also not a lot of description of the surroundings around Rustboro Cave. What kind of landscape is it? Trees? Grassy? Mountainous?

Effort for Pokemon:

I felt the battle was very weak and lackluster. Skitty gets off one good attack, and granted it's super effective, you don't describe the use of the attack well enough to give Skitty much of a chance at fighting back.

And I will agree with your statement in the intro: the part where River searched for Skitty feels very rushed. Imagine searching at night, in the darkness, where you can't hardly see anything. Finding a Pokemon won't be easy. Maybe Raichu can stay out and use Flash? Maybe Skitty gets away the first time and you find it again later.

Personal Review and Tips

I'm not hurting you on anything except the search for Skitty. It felt at this point you just wanted to get right to finding Skitty and catch it. Hardly any effort is shown in searching. It was kinda like an experience in game rather than in the imaginative world of Pokemon.
Mightyena has the strength and night advantage over Skitty in battle. If you want to do a short battle, that's fine. But the search effort to get to that battle needs to be stronger.
Or. Leave a weak effort to find it and have a stronger battle.
OR. Equally buff both parts up.

Bottom line- The end was bland and uneventful. You built up the importance of catching Skitty high enough that the reader will expect the end to be exciting. If this was for anything higher than Simple, it would fail. Though, even in a Simple story, you can do a better job with the Effort to catch the Pokemon.

Writing Tip: Never rush a story. I know you wanted to enter this in the Writing Competition, but a rushed story is hard-pressed to get very far. To be a better writer you have to take your time, even if it means missing the competition. This way, you will be more focused on the story rather than the competition. You'll improve your writing faster by posting something you are satisfied with, rather than something half-assed. Not to mention, you'll receive better feedback based on your full ability.

Spoiler:

Outcome- Skitty Captured!


If you need more feedback about this story or have questions about my grade input, please ask and I will be happy to assist.

~Jack~
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Last edited by Jack of Clovers; 03-02-2011 at 07:06 PM.
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  #5  
Old 03-02-2011, 11:31 PM
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Default Re: Christmas Time is Near {WWC Entry}

I must be dreaming.
My story got graded. Quickly.
First, I must say that I agree with all of your points and that I thank you so very much for grading this so quickly.
Second, thank you again for noticing improvement and pointing it out. I'm glad things like that have become second nature to me, because I don't remember trying to do that at all. And thanks for the Skitty. It will make an excellent pet.
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