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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 02-01-2010, 06:36 PM
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Default The Cry of Freedom

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Old 02-01-2010, 06:39 PM
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:41 PM
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:23 AM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Hai! :D (What year is 'lower high school'? We have a different system here and I'm not sure what year that is. )

I'll try not to be too harsh. ;D

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
She lay there panting, to long had she been hunted, it was time to turn back, to die quickly of her pursuers instead of slowly of exhaustion, she did not fear death, it was the young one she feared for, as the dying rays of the sun sank below the horizon she used her last living breaths to defended her daughter. When it was over the small Zigzagoon stayed by the body of her dead mother, her sobs rang out into the night.
Okay, first off this is far too short to be a prologue. It's a paragraph. xD For instance, for one of my stories the prologue is two pages with barely any spaces--which is the size of a short chapter. This is too short. :O

Okay, the first comma should be a period because what follows doesn't flow as one sentence. 'to' should be 'too', because 'too' is talking about quantity, and in this case our quantity is an amount of time. So anything like 'too long' or 'too much' always has double 'o'. Okay? ;)

The comma after 'hunted' should also be a period, because if you read that, do you see how it seems like two different sentences? If it flows then it can be one sentence, otherwise you have to end the sentence and start a new one. The next 'sentence' after that makes sense but it's constructed strangely. How about,

"It was time to turn back to be killed quickly by her pursuers instead of slowly by exhaustion"?
Does that sound better? After that there should be another period, ending the sentence, and then the following sentence (where the comma can stay). Then after "she feared for" there should be a full stop, and the next sentence can stay as it is (and you put a period where it should be! :D)

The next sentence is almost correct, but see how it says, "rang"? Because you have that there, it should technically be a different sentence. To keep it as one sentence, however, you need to have 'ringing'. So, read over that sentence and please tell me that you understand why it should be 'ringing'. Because 'rang' means a new sentence, right?

Okay, so far I love your vocabulary and there's nothing wrong spelling-wise. The things you need to work on are your comma/period use and sometimes the structure of your sentence. If it doesn't seem right, please change it. Even have a go or mention that it's a sentence you're confused about or whatever. ;3 Also, don't be afraid of small sentences. A lot of the time, small sentences are better because they can have a good impact, and when you make them too long it's usually just annoying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Chapter 1: Treadmills, Human Nature and a New ally?
Because 'ally' isn't a small word like 'and', 'a', 'the', etc, it needs capitalisation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
20 years later…
A mistake people often make: you can almost never, ever use numbers in stories. You have to write the number. So, this should say 'Twenty' instead of '20'. Okay? :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Every day I ran, I had always been swift, then I ran all day, but I never got anywhere, I failed to flee from human nature in true form.
The first comma after 'ran' should be a period. And as for the rest, I'm confused as to what she means. If she's saying that she had always been swift but even when she was, she would run and get nowhere, then it should be something like,
"I had always been swift. Back then I ran all day, but I never got anywhere."
Then "I failed to flee from human nature in true form" should be a separate sentence. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Before I had nothing but respect for humans but then it was replaced with loathing and contempt, is it true that all humans are not bad?
I would put a comma after the first 'humans' before 'but', and after 'contempt' there should be a period and not a comma. Then what follows should be a separate sentence. Also, you have two spaces between 'it' and 'true' that you may want to thin down to one. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Somehow my mind doubted it, after all humans pay for electricity from this place.
Comma should be a period, and after the word 'all' there should be a comma. Also, I'm a little confused... So she's doubting that not all humans are bad, but what does that have to do with paying for electricity? xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
He alone stood by me, I was probably as much of a comfort to him as he was to me, now I think of it I feel he would have deserted me if offered a chance to escape or anything similar, as he was never particularly loyal, before we had been work colleges, not friends, even now as the bond tightened between me and him as change bound us together, I still would not call him a friend.
The first comma should be a period. Okay, now...see that comma after 'me'? The rest after it doesn't flow as one sentence unless you put 'and' between that comma and 'now', so it would be,

"I was probably as much of a comfort to him as he was to me, and now I think of it (etc ect)"
Do you see how that works? :D So after that, where it says 'loyal', you can put a period. And then the same thing applies with adding the word 'and', except this time you have to add it in before the word 'even' in the sentence that explains about their bond.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
That morning in the cage opposite mine a Rattata refused to run, he just sat there and looked so miserable he made my heart bleed.
Okay... We weren't told that she was living in a cage or that she had been captured--or if she hadn't! Right now I don't know why she's there and why there's a rattata in a cage. xD And what did she mean by 'refused to run'? Do you mean that maybe the rattata had to run in a wheel to generate the electricity in the place they were in (and I only know they are in an electricity place because of how it mentioned humans paying for electricity "in this place". D:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
A man came and beat him heavily with his whip and when that didn't work he exchanged it for a club, when even that failed to work he took him away and he never came back, he was obviously killed.
That's so sad. D: But first off, I'm doing the grammar check. xD For more effect, I'd say cut off the sentence after 'whip', and then get rid of the 'and' after it. Then after 'club', that comma should be a period, because see how it doesn't flow? All the rest is fine until it gets to the last comma, which should be a full stop because it doesn't flow, and then 'He was obviously killed" can be its own sentence, which makes it more emotionally effective because it puts the focus on that sad sentence. Get me? :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Whenever I thought of it I felt a wave of fury surge through me at the way that man killed without batting an eyelid, he didn't think of the life that Rattata could have had, so selfish, so extremely selfish.
The comma after 'eyelid' should be a full stop or a semi colon. Also, the comma after 'had' should be a full stop as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
I immediately wanted to sabotage this entire network, but I had to remind myself doing what that Rattata did wouldn't help unless everyone did it, anyway I would die.
This sentence was perfect until the comma at the end which should be a full stop. Dx And 'anyway I would die' should have a comma after 'anyway', but also it seems not filled with that much emotion. Try: "And doing so would get me killed" or something... You don't have to, but it's something different. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
The next day a new Pokémon arrived in Rattata's cage, he took remarkably well to this life-style, and after a few days he was resigned to his fate.
The comma after 'cage' should be a full stop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
He adapted faster than others did, that evening he turned to me and asked my name and species, I replied that I was Dakota the Linoone at which point he nodded and said,
The sentence doesn't flow. =/ Too many bumps, ups and downs. Make the comma after 'did' a full stop, and same with the comma after 'species'. Them after 'Linoone' you should have a comma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"I am Nex the Umbreon." Right then I couldn't help but be surprised some of it must have shown on my face because his darkened, his name meant violent death, what kind of Pokémon had that name…
This sentence is more jumbled up. Dx There should be a comma after 'surprised', and the comma after 'darkened' should be a full stop, and the comma after 'death' should also be one. And since "what kind of Pokemon had that name" is a question, on the end of all those dots you should have a question mark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"Strange name." Commented Aiax, stupid Aiax.
First the comma after 'Aiax' should be a full stop, so that "Stupid Aiax" is its own sentence.
Okay, that period after 'name' needs to be a comma because otherwise it's like cutting off the sentence. Think of it as one sentence, and pretend the talking marks aren't there. I'll show you:

Strange name. Commented Aiax.
See? It should be:
Strange name, commented Aiax.
So when we put that into a sentence with talking marks, it looks like this:
"Strange name," commented Aiax.
Do you see, do you see? ^^ You only ever have a period at the end of speech if what comes after it is a different sentence, like this, for instance:
"Dusty, you're so annoying." The rattata jumped in the water, swimming away.
Like that. :3 Do you understand now? So if it's anything like 'said Aiax', or 'yelled Nex', you have to have a lowercase for that first letter of 'said' or 'yelled' (or whatever you're using).

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Why he was offending this potential ally I did not know, anyway with a name like death who knows what he would do.
You mostly would have to have a comma after 'anyway'. And that comma there should be a period. Also, you should wrap quotation marks around 'death'...like that (xD), because it's something you just have to quote in situations like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"I did not choose it, Furret," the Umbreon spoke the word Furret with disdain, The Furret realized his mistake and shut up.
See, now there needs to be a capital letter for 'the', and a full stop at the end of the speech instead of a comma because they are separate sentences. Also, 'Furret' (the second time it is mentioned) should have quotation marks around it because you also have to put it there. The comma after 'disdain' should be a full stop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Aiax's name comes from an ancient manuscript in which it meant timid… timid suited him well.
Both 'timid's should have quotation marks around them, and the second 'timid' should have a capital 't' because it's a new sentence starter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
From that moment onwards Nex, Aiax and I were friends.
But didn't Dakota already say that she didn't consider Aiax a friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Nex and Aiax always seemed to have a friendly rivalry, however it was not always so friendly, sometimes they would fight, but an employee of the company would come sort it out.
There should be a comma after 'however' (because 'however' generally needs a comma after it). The comma after 'friendly' should be a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Nex was mainly sullen, but at night one could tell he yearned to leave, to run free with the wind on his face, we all did, I did not show it at all, Aiax seemed to think it impossible so he tried to forget there even was a outside world, or that’s what I think, I could be wrong, I was never good at reading Pokémon's thoughts, anyway one thing was certain, we could not live much longer like this.
The comma after 'face' should be a period. The comma after 'did' should be a full stop as well. The comma after 'think' should be a period. The comma after 'wrong' should be a double hyphen or a semicolon, because even though it's related to what's been said, it can't connect with the sentence before it with only a comma. The comma after 'thoughts' should also be a period. After 'anyway' there should be a comma, and instead of the comma after 'certain', make it a colon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Nex's rings glowed by night providing us with hope, but each night they glowed less until they failed to glow at all, Nex said it was because he was no longer exposed to the moon, its funny how little things like that get one down, and because of this Aiax became increasingly hostile towards anyone and everyone.
There should be a comma after 'night'. Then the comma after 'all' should be a period. The comma after 'moon' should be a full stop, and 'moon' should have a capital 'm' because it's its name and therefore a proper noun. If someone said 'a moon', then it wouldn't have a capital 'm', but since 'moon' is the Moon's name, it has a capital. Same with the Sun and the Earth. But when you're talking about soil, you just say 'earth' with no capital 'e', but when you talk about the actual planet Earth, it needs a capital. Keep that in mind! :D
its should be it's with an apostrophe between the t and the s. I'll tell you something else: you only ever write it's if you are abbreviating the words 'it is', but if you are talking about something owning something else, like if you said 'the tree and its leaves', you wouldn't have that apostrophe. So ONLY if what you're saying is abbreviated from 'it is'. Okay? :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
He no longer talked at all, I felt that soon he would go the same way that poor Rattata went. But we stopped him, we gave him the verbal support he needed and he never got the chance to give up.
after the first comma there should be 'and'. So it's:

"He no longer talked at all, and I felt that soon he would go the same way that poor Rattata went"
But wait... By saying 'and I felt that soon he would go the same way that poor Rattata went', we would assume that that was his present condition, but then after that it says that they stopped him, which gives me the impression that that's his current condition... Try not to do that. Maybe say, 'and I had felt that soon (etc etc)', okay? So add that extra 'had' to let us know that was what she previously thought prior to saving him. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
One day a thought struck me,
"Nex, why are your rings blue, are the rings of an Umbreon not usually yellow?"
First off, you don't need to make her speech on a separate line because the line above was already her and nobody else, thus making the speech be allowed to go on the same line.
That was two questions in one sentence without an 'and'. xD Make the comma after 'blue' a question mark, and the rest of the sentence a separate question. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
He replied without delay,
"I'm glad someone noticed, I'm shiny."
You don't need to do this either. Just have it on the same line as 'He replied without delay', because nobody else has spoken on that line.
Alright, so if what he's saying is, "I'm glad someone noticed that I'm shiny", you don't need the comma, but if he's saying, "I'm glad someone noticed. I'm shiny", then you need to turn that comma into a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Once more the Umbreon had surprised me, shiny Pokémon were outcasts, given evil-sounding names and banished, I understood why he had been hurt when Aiax inquired about his name, how many times had he had to endure that? Now I realized also why he viewed humans and Pokémon on even ground, both had treated him the same. He continued though uninvited,
No! Not the shiny pokemon! Dx That's sad... D:
The comma after 'me' should be a full stop because the next part of the "sentence" is a new sentence... No offence, but I'm getting sick of pointing out all those commas. I hope you know where to put them now! But I'll still point them all out for you to fix anyway. xD The comma after 'banished' should be a full stop as well, and same with the comma after 'name'.
That's interesting... But the comma should be a semi colon because it's related but can't be in the same sentence without a semi colon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"The slash over my eye is the mark of the outcast, I lived wild before I was captured, but enough I want to here of your past." I was surprised by this strange request but I complied,
Comma after 'outcast' should be a full stop... And after 'captured', the comma should be a period. And shouldn't it be "But enough about me" or something? x3 And then after that should be "I want to hear of your past", which is a separate sentence, and remember that it is 'hear', not 'here'.
Also, watch the comma use before speech, like after 'complied'. Remember the same sentence thing I said earlier about removing the quotation marks. ;)

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"I was found by me dead mothers side, I have no recollection of this but Aiax's mother told me, she adopted me and I was raised by Aiax's side, I knew I was a Zigzagoon and therefore different but we still were good friends, one day Aiax and I were caught by two trainers, we were treated well and were neither unhappy or happy.
The comma after 'side' should be a full stop because after it is another sentence. The comma after 'me' should be a full stop, and the comma after 'side' should be a period as well. And the comma after 'friends' should be a full stop because, and you have to learn this, the following sentence doesn't have anything to do with what you just said, so it's a new sentence. And the comma after 'trainers' should be a full stop as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
One day our trainers saw some thugs taking Pokémon off this trainer, they went to help but were both killed. I ended up here, but you have still not told us your whole story tell Aiax and I it now."
Okay, now, if you had an 'and' before 'they' and after the comma, then it would be correct. Also, you have to have a period after 'story', because you can't tell me that saying 'your whole story tell Aiax and I it now" makes sense. xD And she seems a little demanding! How about 'Can you' or 'please'? xD Also, "Aiax and I it now" doesn't make sense. It should be "me and Aiax it now". A good way to remember whether you put 'I' or 'me' in these situations is if you remove the other person, you should get your answer. Example:
"Tell Aiax and I it now." Now, at this stage you're unsure whether it makes sense or not. All we do it remove Aiax to get the answer:
"Tell I it now." See how it doesn't make sense? You would say:
"Tell me it now." Am I right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Then he smiled and said,
"I am about to tell you what no other living soul has ever heard or known," So he began,
Remember that you can have the speech on that line with no trouble. Also, make that comma after 'known' into a period, because "So he began," is a new sentence. 'Kay? ^^
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 02-07-2010 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:28 AM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Sorry--it didn't fit in one post. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
"I was born wrong, I was born a shiny Umbreon, not an Eevee, one could blame my mother for exposing the egg to the moon's rays, but it made no difference.
The comma after 'wrong' should be a period. And the comma after 'Eevee' should be a period, because it ends the sentence. Alrighty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
The tribe found me and marked me, then I was cast into the wilderness I would have died if an Absol had not chanced upon me, she raised me and together we tried to live, all other Pokémon were hostile towards us, and blamed us for everything that went wrong in their lives, one day we were shunned out of our home, our cave by a tribe of Manetric and once outside we were immediately targeted by poachers, she was sent to the arena as she looked like a good fighter and I to the treadmills as I looked like a good runner.
You can't seriously tell me that none of these commas should be a period. Right? This is all one sentence. O_o
Either put 'and' between 'wilderness' and 'we', or make it a full stop after 'wilderness'. The comma after 'me' should be a full stop as well, and same with the comma after 'live'. And then the same with the comma after 'lives'. After 'cave' there should be a comma, and also after 'Manectric'. You also need to change that--you spelled it wrong. The comma after 'poachers' should be a full stop, because what follows is a new sentence...

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
The Absol's given name was Neco meaning to slay, to kill or to put to death, but unlike me she changed her name and goes by the name of Venatrix, meaning huntress, we never talked about it but I think a pack of Houndooms marked her, when she accidentally strayed into their territory.
All of that sentence was good except you need a comma after 'Neco', and you need to turn the comma after 'huntress' into a full stop. The comma after 'her' should not be there, and 'Houndooms' is incorrect--all pokemon never have an s on the end, even when you're plurals because it's incorrect. It should just be "I think a pack of Houndoom marked her".

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
By the time he was finished I felt pity blossoming in my heart for the two of them, I could not imagine what it would be like, to be an outcast, shunned by fellow Pokémon.
The comma after 'them' should be a period, and the comma after 'like' doesn't need to be there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
He seemed off somewhere else entirely, his eyes, not really seeing, strayed to my left fore leg, at which point he came back into reality and recoiled hardly. He then stuttered,
'foreleg' is one word. ;3 And remember the speech placement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
I was equally surprised, I was found with that mark, was I already chosen to be alpha I looked at Aiax and he was just as surprised, I couldn't believe it.
The comma after 'surprised' should be a full stop. And oh... The comma after 'mark' needs to be a full stop, and you need to have a question mark after 'alpha'. And the second 'surprised' should also have its comma changed into a full stop. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
I was born an alpha, still it made things add up, when I was young I strayed onto the territory of a pack of Ratticate, but they had let me go, it made sense now but still why would a parent Linoone mark her daughter with that of an alpha?
The comma after 'alpha' needs to be a period, and there needs to be a comma after 'still'. The comma after 'up' needs to be a full stop. The comma after 'go' needs to be a full stop. Comma should be after 'now', and there needs to be a double hyphen after 'still'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Questions still need answering, at which point I thought, if I escape… no when I escape I will pursue the past, find out about it, there must be many Linoone clans some must hold answers.
Okay, first of all, thought need to be in italics in the least, and second, at the start of the thoughts you need a capital letter like with speech. Also, the comma after 'it' needs to be a full stop.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
it looks short but on word it was three pages.
Oh. When I copy and pasted it into my word it was a little less than two. xD And after I had edited it, it was 8 pages. O_o

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
SORRY GUYS BUT PLEASE COMMENT, I'M GETTING UN-MOTIVATED HERE
SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO COMMENT! Dx I was stuck doing homework before I read this, and I was annoyed because I wanted to comment instead of do it. xD And don't think of it as writing it for other people--think of it as writing it for you, and therefore you shouldn't get unmotivated. :3


Okay! So! First off, I could only correct one chapter and the prologue, because of how stinkin' long it took me (xD), and second I have a two things you need to work on.

1. THOSE COMMAS. You really need to know when to end a sentence, because with just about every sentence I had to stop and correct a comma. =/ This is reaaalllly time consuming, and I think I spent around 3 hours--most of which was me correcting those commas.

2. Description detail. There is, yes, a lot of detail about internal thoughts put into narration-like text (reminds me of what Dusty and I do! ), but there is not really any description of where they are and what things look like. Work on that.

There are many good points--I really like where it's going, and I think it's really good. ^^ I like the characters so far, even though we don't know them very well yet, and I really wanna meet that absol. xD

I think you have a great vocabulary, and you're actually a really good writer! It's just those two points I mentioned that need improvement and you'll be much better. ^^

Now can I ask, just for me, for you to read through chapter 2 and fix all those stray commas if you think you know where to edit them, but with this chapter you HAVE to go and fix all that I correct, okay? Because otherwise I basically wasted all this time. Dx But I am not saying you won't. :3

Keep writing! I hope to see you improve!

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 02-07-2010 at 09:13 PM.
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Old 02-07-2010, 10:20 AM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

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98% OF TEENS WON'T STAND UP FOR GOD...REPOST THIS IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE 2% WHO WILL.
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Last edited by shadow_absol; 01-17-2013 at 08:41 PM.
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:31 PM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Well... I'm not meant to say my age online so I'll send you a private message of it, but man! this review is long :) it might take me a few days to get through it and correct the mistakes

The Absol will come into this story... eventually it will take time

I FAIL really badly at Prologue length, I think I'll delete it

I delete whole bunches of paragraphs simply beacuse I have no idea what you mean, or how to correct them.

Also I am writing 6 fan fics at the moment, so progression is slow, I started writing this in... September 2009
Oh, I just meant what year you were in at school. xD Sorry! But wow! You're really advanced for your age! When I was that age I failed at writing completely! xD Okay. :3 Take your time. ^^ If you want, I can post the whole thing the way I said to correct it to make it easier. :P I won't do that every time of course, but at least the first time. :)

Yay! :D I'll be looking forward to it!

Oh, no! It wasn't bad at all. It was just short. ^^; You could actually probably have that as the introduction to chapter 1, and then you could have the 'Twenty years later' text on another line down. ^^

No! Please don't do that! >.< I really didn't want to remove things from your story--I just wanted to correct it. Most of it's just comma use instead of periods. Please let me fix it and I'll post it for you to post in your first post, and then I'll delete it from my post. :)

Haha, that's a lot. ^^; I'm writing a few at a time as well. xD Good work!

Well I really hope I didn't discourage you--like I said, your writing is advanced for your age, and I really liked it! 8D You just need to work on sentences.

~GS.
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:19 AM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

KEEP WRITING THIS! It sounds pretty rockin'!
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:56 PM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

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Old 02-11-2010, 05:30 PM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Keep it up Absol! Send me an update soon!
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Old 02-12-2010, 07:19 AM
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Old 02-12-2010, 09:40 AM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Quote:
Originally Posted by shadow_absol View Post
Thanks Darkri :)

Xanthe, well I will correct the mistakes in two days when I have time. But I have read your LONG (GOOD THING) report.
Okay, sure. ^^ If you're unsure about something, please don't delete it! Instead, just notify me. 8D And, haha, I'm glad you think it's a good thing. xD

~GS.
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Old 02-23-2010, 07:23 PM
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Default Re: The Cry of Freedom

Sorry, folks. As a friend of the author, I have to tell you that her computer is currently broken and might take a while to fix.
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