Shoes Off! [Probably PG/13] [Ready for grading!]

[Etymology]

Warning & Disclaimer: Content may be seen as offensive to some people. Opinions in story do not match that of the author.

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“You know what you must do,” his fishy companion told him. The Feebas that looked like mouldy swiss cheese winked at him in a seductive way, and his companion told him off bluntly.

“Sorry, I’m not gay.” The red scales of the Magikarp glistened under the light of the bulb, in the corridor before the speech room. It flexed its whiskers, and watched them with bright eyes. The whiskers called out to him, telling him to follow his desires, before he bit one and continued to suck it.

“Shame, I swear you was,” the Feebas told him, looking at his friend inserting his whisker into his mouth. The mouldy fish sighed and just turned away. “I wish I was damn beautiful!”

“Eat tons of sour poffin. You’ll be as beautiful as a Muk in no time!” the Iraqi Magikarp responded, rolling its eyes thrice. The Feebas’ eyes glistened.

“Really!? You think so!?”

“Yeah, definitely,” mumbled the journalist fish sarcastically. The Feebas flopped around excitedly, when a brown lump with a black beard wearing a tiny shiny tuxedo popped up from underneath the ground. The Diglett twitched its pink nose, and the security guard nodded (?) to the two fish Pokemon.

“Oh my god! Dudes, hurry up! The president is like, so ready to see you guys now. Everyone is in there waiting!” The mole said, popping in and out of its hole. Magikarp drooled.

“Mmmm. Holes.”

“Karpy, take these!” Feebas yelled, and he spat two Pokeballs from inside his stomach out into the Magikarp’s open mouth. Karpy smiled in delight, as if he liked the taste. Or shape.

“You can do it!” The Feebas shouted. The red fish gently flopped through a big marble door, with butterflies fluttering in its stomach. The Magikarp’s bright crimson flesh shone in the light of the debating room, and he quietly took his place on a low metal chair. He looked around the room. He giggled as he saw the American flag sprung on the wall. Other than that, the room was pretty boring except for the red, blue and white cloth. The room suddenly quietened, as an old grey bagworm walked up onto a pedestal, followed by a Diglett security guard, who disappeared behind the same pedestal. The ancient Burmy then suddenly gave an awkward smile, and then flinched. He got his karp stuck in his zipper.

“Anyway!” The bug announced, rustling some of its leaves. “This is Barrack Oburma! Please stand for this meeting.”

All the Pokemon in the room stood up as instructed, except for Karpy, who flopped very high. Barrack Oburma nodded at everyone in the room, and then gave a thumbs up, pointed towards the floor. The Diglett must have been doing a good job.

“What queries do you have?” he asked the room, who all started to snigger for no apparent reason.

“I want Pokeball tax to go up!” A Machoke yelled at him, flexing his muscle, which rippled his odd violet skin. “I’m sick of people trying to capture me!”

“I want free potion!” A Jynx yelled, shaking her body vigorously, which in turn whipped her golden hair everywhere. More Pokemon started to request things from Oburma.

“I want cheaper breeding charges!”

“I want more seals for my apartment!”

“I want a big KFC for dinner when I get home!”

“I WISH I HAD SCABIES!”

Karpy just nodded his head in shame. Idiots, he thought to himself, glaring at the president of the Pokemon world, who was sweating bucket loads of water.

“Uh, yes, settle down people,” he pleaded, but the requests kept on coming.

“I wanted a pony!” One random Pokemon shouted out, but the people could not follow the voice back to its body. Karpy grunted, and spat out the two Pokeballs from his mouth, and rolled one onto each of its whiskers. Enough was enough.

“This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog!” bellowed the fish, as he flicked one Pokeball off his whisker, aimed straight at the Burmy. Oburma conveniently dodged, and looked straight back at him with shock. He stood there in silence, waiting for some kind of action to be made. He looked disappointed after a second passed, and there was no action.

“This is for all the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq!” Karpy howled, and flicked the other Pokeball straight off the other whisker. This sphere sped straight towards the president, and this time it contacted. The Burmy was sucked up in a beam of red light, and the ball fell behind the pedestal. No-one had any idea whether the president was captured or not, but that wasn’t their main focus. About fifty Diglett in tuxedos started to pile the Magikarp, swallowing him up in a sea of what seemed to be human turd.

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LONG STORY SHORT

[Etymology]

Target: Magikarp
Characters needed: 3k-5k
Characters in story: 4583

Credit to whoever made that animation. xD This is my second story deal for this month, so no more until March. :[ And yeah, no battle. :D

LEMAN'S GRADING, SO HANDS OFF.

[Leman]

Reminds me a of HiF story.

Plot:

Well, it was different. Its not very deep or incredibly thought provoking, but it was entertaining. Plus it was for a Magikarp. You don't really need to put themes and motifs in a Magikarp story. Besides it wasn't a "Random guy goes to fish" story. Decent job here.

Keep away from some of the sexual references though. There are 10 year olds here. ("Mmmm, holes".... Really? =/)

Introduction:

There is not much of an intro. You jumped right into the story and that works. For longer stories you want to give me some background info, surrounding descriptions and whatnot through the character's actions, or acctually put in an intro. Its a Magikarp story though, so it doesn't really need much.

Grammar/Spelling:

Pretty good. Honestly I didn't notice anything other than in the first line where you put "mouldy" instead of "moldy." Just be sure to proofread your story. This is short so you can do it a couple times. (I think you did proofread though, just missed this one.

Length:

Good job.

Details:

There were not many details in this story, but the ones you did put in were very very good. I was acctually surprised by the great descriptions. Just keep it up and make to describe everything. I cant really give you many other tips and things on this. D:

Battle:

Eh, no battle, but there was a climax. If you had given a battle with the Diglets and the Magikarp at the end, that would have been a lot better. Its not too hard of a fix either. You could have put a quick Tackle/Scratch exchange.

Outcome:

No battle, but the excellent descriptions made up for that and its just a Magikarp story. It would be a lot more borderline, if it was something more difficult. Magikarp captured!!


THIS IS INCREDIBLY SHORT! D:<