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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-14-2010, 06:56 PM
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Default All Part of a Dream


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This is the story of Neb and Shea. A bit of a prequel to my WWC entry, Vines. Will be a 'Capture Every Pokemon' story.

Neb is a young homeless man living on the streets. Shea is the daughter of a wealthy church elder. What happens when their worlds collide and suddenly, nothing is what it seems to be anymore?
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 03-14-2010 at 07:09 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:56 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

[b]I think it started out as a dream; a really, really good dream. The kind where you think it’s real and that you’re already awake, but then when you do wake up you start to cry, knowing that you can never go back. But when I did wake up, it seemed to be coming to life, right before my eyes.

An average Sunday morning was how it started out and how it ended was something that no church-goer would want to hear. How a young, seventeen year old girl fell, as they say, from her faith. I don’t think I did, however. I still pray and look to God for guidance and I always will. Nothing can get rid of the bond between us—but they thought it was broken beyond repair, all because of a single kiss with a boy.

I’ll start at the beginning for you, okay? Sunday morning, a beautiful, clear September morning; birds were singing in the chilled air and leaves were beginning to fall, creating the perfect fall picture. The members of my church all walked to the front door, shaking my hand and commenting on my favorite church outfit, a short, pale pink dress with small white shoes. I had my red-brown hair tied back in a loose bun and I wore no make-up, like most girls at the Cherrygrove Bible Church. Besides me was Esmeralda, my graceful Espeon, watching me with her bright, pupil-less eyes. My father, one of the Elders of our church, had put me on the Greet Me Team. All I had to do for the first twenty minutes before first service began was greet people. It was normally a very boring job, just saying ‘good morning’ to everyone you see and shaking their hands. Occasionally someone would comment on how I looked or how beautiful it was outside. Like I said, it would be boring.

I am so thankful that he did.

This morning was the first time I ever saw him. That’s right guys, a boy. Well, teenager, really. He was about eighteen years old, even though later I learned that he really didn’t know how old he was—but that is for later.

Even though we met at a church, it wasn’t exactly that much of a happy meeting. He never even came through the front doors. Instead, a younger girl in the Jr. High had come up to me, almost shaking in her little white dress and tennis shoes.

“Shea! Shea!” she cried, grabbing my dress. “You got to hurry, they’re hurting him!” Besides her, a star-shaped pink Pokemon cried with her.

I glanced around. It was three minutes until Pastor Simon started his sermon and I was the only one left on the Greet Me Team for this morning. “Sshhh, Caitlyn Anne. Who’s hurting who?” I asked, leaning over to place a hand on the brunette’s shoulder.

“Christopher and Jonathan! They’re hurting some other kid!” she told me, her eyes showing her distress.

“Stay here,” I told her quickly, my own green eyes widening with worry. Christopher and Jonathan Edwardson were twin brothers, the only seniors in all of the High School that were feared for their sharp tongues and fierce tempers. Caitlyn Anne nodded, picking up her Cleffa and cuddling it. The Star Shape Pokemon squealed at first, but began to cuddle her trainer as well. The pair immersed themselves in childlike chantings of ‘it’ll be alright, Abigail’ and ‘we shouldn’t worry, little Cleffa.’

I glanced at Esmeralda with worry in my eyes. She saw that and quickly responded. “Come, we must go— quickly,” the Espeon said in her heavy accent. I didn’t really know what kind of accent it was, but it was the voice you would put on a gypsy, deep and almost hard to understand but beautiful at the same time.

Nodding, the two of us hurried outside to see Christopher and Jonathan standing over a thin teenager. Christopher’s hand was in a fist as if he was about to punch him. Jonathan was just laughing before he reached down to pet a small, bear-like Pokemon on the head. As he did so, the Teddiursa shrank away from him, glaring at the older of the two blonde twins.

Normally I’m a quiet person but when Jonathan kicked the Little Bear Pokemon, getting a weak cry from it, I was taken over by an uncharacteristic wave of fierce, maternal instincts that was followed by a dangerous anger.

“Christopher! Jonathan!” I called angrily. The two boys turned, eyes wide when they saw me approaching. They backed away from the boy on the ground. Christopher glanced at Jonathan, and vice versa.

“Shea! It’s so glad that you’ve come! I came here to see my own brother Jonathan kicking some helpless kid and his Teddiursa! You’ve got to get some help!” Christopher examined, grinning smugly at his brother.

“Shut it, brothers. We saw what you were doing to that boy,” Esmeralda hissed, arching her sleek violet back. Her forked tail lashed violently as she spoke.

“I won’t tell the Elders about this if you back away from this boy. Got it?” I snapped, stepping towards the two.

Christopher laughed. “Shea, you would never do something like that, now would you?” he asked, taking a step towards me. He took my hand, holding it tightly. “You’re much to nice to even think about doing something as awful as turning me in to your father, now would you?”

“Oh, I’m certain that I would, Christopher,” I retorted, trying to pull my hand away from him, but he held tight. “Let go of me!”

Jonathon came up from behind me, resting his large, bony hands on my shoulders. “Oh, we don’t want to let go of you, though,” he whispered in my ear. I shuddered, closing my eyes tightly. These two became well known after Emily Roberts filed a complaint about both of them raping her. The charges were dropped quickly, though, and most people tried to forget about it.

“Esmeralda…?” I called hesitantly. Another hand roughly grabbed my face, turning me so that I was looking straight at Christopher’s dark brown eyes. The hands on my shoulder disappeared and I heard a loud kick, followed by a whimper. “Don’t hurt her!” I shouted, kicking Christopher in his soft spot. He groaned, releasing my face and hand. I ran over to Esmeralda, glaring at Jonathon. He took a small step back, knowing that I would happily kick him too.

“Get away from us! Now!” I shouted, picking up my injured Espeon. She groaned softly, her eyes fluttering open. The boy’s Teddiursa walked over to us, frowning, with his wounded arm clutched against his side. The twins shared a quick, anxious glance before scurrying back into the church

“Teddi? Teddiursa!” he whined softly, looking at Esmeralda and then back at me.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself again. “Essie, use Morning Sun?” I asked quietly. The Psychic Eeveelution nodded, hesitantly and weakly climbing out of my arms. Her gem started to glow, bringing sunlight to her. Her pale purple fir began to glow brilliantly and I had to close my eyes. When the light died down again, she looked a hundred times better.

“Those… jerks…” she whispered angrily, glaring at the sliding doors that led to the church. She turned her attention to Teddiursa, though, when the Little Bear Pokemon started to talking to her slowly.

When he finished, Esmeralda turned to me. “This is Neb,” she mewed softly. “Teddiursa wants us to help him. Should we take him into the church?”


I quickly assessed the boy’s injuries. His right arm was badly bruised and bleeding slightly. His clothes were filthy, covering in dirt and even ripped in some places. His dark gray sweat pants were thoroughly worn and his white shirt had turned to a mud-color. He seemed to have been knocked out from a blow to the head, but was coming back as I looked at him. Unluckily, his head was also bleeding slightly.

“Ow…” he groaned, opening his bright green eyes to look into my moss-colored ones. At the sound of his voice, Teddiursa hurried over to him, frowning before he burst into terrified sobs. Neb quickly sat up, grimacing at the pain, and resting a dark-skinned hand on Teddiursa’s tan shoulder. The Little Bear Pokemon ceased crying, looking up at his trainer with a faint and true smile on his face.

“Are you alright?” I hastily asked, placing my hands on my knees as the boy turned to look at me.

“Oh! Um, yeah… I’m fine, I suppose,” he responded. He placed his right hand on the cement ground, aiming to stand up, but found that it was too hurt to use. “Okay, maybe not so fine…”

I smiled despite of myself for his light humor. “Can you stand up?” I asked. “I can take you inside the church and get you fixed up.”

“I can stand up,” he said quickly, managing to stand up this time. I followed him, making sure he did fall over.

“Good,” I said, hesitantly taking his hand to lead him inside the stone building of worship. My Espeon stepped in front of me, frowning.

“You shouldn’t take him back there,” she warned, her forked tail swishing back and forth calmly. The red stone on her forehead glowed eerily as she spoke.

Neb jumped a bit when Esmeralda spoke, but he quickly calmed. It wasn’t too unusual for a Pokemon to know how to talk. Ever since a Persian spoke in a News show without meaning to, Pokemon all over the world have been trying to learn the skill. Esmeralda learned easily with the help of her mother, the Glaceon Vanessa. However, both Vanessa and Esmeralda had to give up something important to learn how to speak. For Vanessa, it was her ability to have more children, something that she always wanted. Esmeralda, on the other hand, lost the ability to choose her evolution. So instead of evolving into a Glaceon like her mother, she was stuck with being an Espeon for the rest of her life. She told me she was fine with it, though. She was happy just being able to talk to me.

“And why not?” I asked cautiously.

“Because Christopher and Jonathan are waiting inside to get to you, Shea. They don’t want you telling anyone about this and they’ll do whatever it takes. It’s not smart to bring him there,” Esmeralda informed us. “I suggest taking the camaro back to your place.”

“Alright, Essie,” I said, nodding.

“Wait, I never got your name,” Neb said, placing his free hand on my shoulder gently. “I’m Neb.” He almost blushed as he said his name, as if he was embarrassed my it.

“My name is Shea Kelsey Everhart,” I replied fluently. My father always told me to say my full name, no matter who I was talking to. “And this is Esmeralda.” The violet cat bowed slightly to

“That’s a pretty name,” he told me calmly. I wondered if he knew that lines like that were normally taken as flirting.

“Thanks. Do you want to head over to your place or would you rather go to mine?” I asked, trying to be polite, even though it looked like he might not even have a home. His night-black hair was thick with grease, as if he hadn’t been able to watch it for several weeks.

“Your place?” Neb said carefully, as if he wasn’t sure what to say.
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 03-19-2010 at 09:51 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

“Alright,” I replied, smiling. “Do you have a Pokeball for Teddiursa? He would fell better if he could rest for a while.”

“Um, no, I don’t,” Neb said sheepishly. “I never caught him…”

“Oh, well… I’ll carry him for you,” I offered, kneeling down to pick up the Teddiursa. The brown teddy bear crawled into my arms, snuggling against my shoulder. I smiled sadly. “Okay, my car is just over here.”

We walked over to the yellow camaro with me keeping a close eye on Neb. He was still limping, but he seemed to have gotten the hang of the pain and slide easily into the passenger seat once I unlocked the car. Esmeralda jumped past him to sit in the back. I followed suit, taking the driver’s seat. I may only be seventeen years old but my father started to teach me how to drive before I was fourteen.

As we took to the road, I attempted to make some conversation. Neb responded eagerly to some questions, but seemed almost distressed at others. Like when I questioned him about his family. He froze up, looking pale and shaky. He didn't tell me much about that, only that he never knew his father and that his mother was dead. I reached over to try and comfort him, taking his hand in mine. He seemed to visibly relax, letting out a sigh as his eyes closed slightly.

"Who are your guardians, then? I'm sure they are very worried about you," I asked hesitantly. He's eyes seemed to darken, casting a pale shadow under his eyes. It was a few long minutes before he finally answered me. He looked up, turning his head to face me, and his eyes opened again, revealing his playful, bright eyes.

"You know Mr. Merchant?" he asked softly. I nodded. Mr. Lawrence Merchant used to own a rundown hotel in the heart of Cherrygrove. He was a kind man, always donating to every charity our church as sponsored, but had a fierce and short temper. Mr. Merchant has been in a depression since his wife died and has, since then, gotten only more and more angry. I only ever saw him during the rare occasions that he came to church, which seemed to include only the holidays.

"Mr. Merchant looked after me, in a way. Since I was really young I've been staying in one of the rooms at his hotel and helping him to earn a few extra dollars. His wife taught me some of the basics of reading and math and stuff, but I stopped learning about that after his wife passed away,” Neb started. I could see this was going to be a sad and probably depressing story.

"He died a few nights ago," Neb continued in a whispered voice. He seemed calm about what he was saying, but I could see the sadness in his eyes as he spoke. “From a heart attack. I don’t really have a place to go anymore.”

I was heartbroken at his story. I wanted to offer him a place to stay, but I knew that my father would never allow him to stay with us. I just hoped that he would stay for second service as well so I could have more time to get Neb cleaned up.

“You can stay at my place for a while,” I offered quietly despite my inner quarrels. “Or I can find you a place to stay.” Now that I thought about it, the place where I worked had a room with a small cot. Neb could potentially stay there. Even if my boss, a hyperactive young woman named Camilla Bernard, said that was inappropriate, I did have to work Monday morning and I liked to get their early. He could be out before anyone even knew he was there. And besides, Camilla was the sort of person who would love to host someone in her cupcake shop. She loved the idea of forbidden friendships and, I’ll admit it, romances. She would be thrilled. The other workers, like the part-time worker Rowan Dalca, would be less-than-thrilled to have company.

“No, it’s ok,” Neb said, smiling brightly at me. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sorry about Mr. Merchant dying so suddenly,” I replied softly. “If you ever need help, don’t be afraid to ask me.”

“Thank you, Shea. You’re really nice,” he said cheerfully. His boyish smile reminded me of a little kid and I couldn’t help but smile back at him. I turned my attention back to the road, though, as we were pulling into my driveway.

I guess you could say that my family was rich. Our house was huge, with several unused rooms and a three car garage. Three stories with a basement and an attic for storage, out house was the largest in our neighborhood. My mother and her Pokemon loved to garden, so our front yard alone was bright and alive with flowers and shrubs from all over the world. I pulled into the elevated stone driveway. After the two of us exited the car with Esmeralda and Teddiursa, we walked up the steps to the large red-brown door.

Directly in front of us after opening the door was a beautiful painting of a Glaceon and Umbreon. The Glaceon was Esmeralda’s mother, Vanessa, and belonged to my mother. Umbreon, or Carson, was my father’s and Esmeralda’s father. The painting was grand and exquisite as only the best was good enough for my father. The painter, a famous Smeargle artist, made it seem as if the picture was glowing and you could even see the light reflect over Glaceon’s ice fur and the glow on Umbreon’s rings.

Neb hesitated before walking inside, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to come in. I laughed, beckoning him in.

“This place is so… wow, huge…” Neb whispered in awe. “You really live here?”

“Yeah, I do,” I replied cheerfully. “Here, take of your jacket and place it on the hook. I’ll go find our first aid kit. Just wait here, okay?”

Neb nodded nervously, shedding his coat and hanging it on a shiny oak coat rack. Before I vanished into our kitchen, I noticed that he was careful not to let his coat touch any other coat. I hurried away, leaving him there for only a few brief minutes.

Upon reaching our large, tiled kitchen, I started to collect my thoughts. I had no idea why I had invited this boy into my house, much less driven him here. For all I knew he could be some teenage serial killer, but Esmeralda calmed my thoughts quickly.

“He’s a kind boy, Shea,” she said in her heavily accented voice. “There are no thoughts of anything that God himself would disapprove of.”

“You can’t read minds, Esmeralda,” I replied hesitantly.

“Yes, but I can read auras. And his is pure,” she replied, her small mouth in a grin. “Now go find him your medicine. He is getting nervous waiting in our house.”

“I alright, Essie,” I said, nodding. “What about my parents? Do you think they’ll find out I let a boy into our house?”

“If you keep quiet, I’m sure they’ll never find out.”

“But what about your parents? Carson has an amazing sense of smell. He’ll find out and then tell my father!” I was starting to panic. My father had a horrible temper, even though the only ones who ever knew the length of which his fury could go was me and my mother.

“Calm down, Shea. Remember why you brought him here,” Esmeralda mewed in a calming voice, the kind an adult would use when talking to a toddler. “He was injured. Even your father will understand something like that. You need to trust him to do what is right in his Father’s eyes.”

“Alright, Essie. Stop acting so… superior.” I teased, shaking my head.

Sighing, I hurried to one of the many cabinets on the sides of the walls. After rummaging through a total of three of the dark wood cabinets, I finally found the pink and white plastic container. I pulled it out and blew the thin layer of dust off the top. Rushing back to Neb, I grinned. “Sorry for the wait, Neb.”

“It’s no problem,” he said hesitantly, carefully. “Your house is so… big.” His big green eyes were still wide and curious, taking in my entire house.

“Um, thanks Neb,” I said, my cheeks turning scarlet red when his eyes landed on my own. Bright green on moss green, we stared for a few brief moments before I hastily turned away. “Um, yeah. Here, rub this lotion on any cuts you have. It’ll help get rid of infections.”

I quickly flung the top of the PokeCenter colored box, taking out a very simple white and pale yellow tube of ointment. I handed it to him quickly. “Is there anything you want to eat or drink?” I asked. It was getting closer to eleven AM but I wasn’t sure when the last time this guy had a decent meal to eat.

Neb shyly took the tube from my hand, weighing it briefly before unscrewing the cap. “I don’t want to impose on you too much…” he said faintly. I shook my head, wondering how an almost-homeless teenager would know words that confused half of the juniors at my school. He squeezed the tube a bit, letting the clear, gelatin-like liquid rest on his finger.

“Don’t worry, Neb,” I replied, smiling warmly at him. My smile grew when it was return by one of his boyish ones. “Do you want some eggs? I’m sure we have bacon and cheese if you want an omelet.”
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Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 03-19-2010 at 09:52 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

“What’s that?” he asked, his attention quickly diverting to his hands.

I chuckled. Not knowing what an omelet was? It was so ridiculous it almost didn’t occur to me that he might really not know what an omelet was.

“I’ll make it for you, okay? They taste really good.” I turned to the kitchen leaving Neb and his Teddiursa to hurry to follow me. Esmeralda was waiting patiently on the kitchen’s multi-colored stone island, her forked tail swishing gently against the wooden base. The walls were all a pale green color, my mother’s favorite color as it reminded her of her favorite Pokemon type, Grass. The floors were made from a polished red-hued wood that had been laid down in planks on the ground. To the left of the front door there was a living room, complete with a thick, multi-colored rug and dark red leather couches. A large, flat-screen TV hung on one of the walls with the couches facing it. There was also an extra lounging chair to the left of the couch with a simple white blanket on it.

“There are many types of cheese here, Neb,” Esmeralda said once Neb came into her view. “We have Swiss, American, cheddar, among others. What would you prefer?”

Neb threw a worried glance back at me. “I’m not sure…”

“Give him some cheddar and Swiss. That’s my favorite,” I told my Espeon. “I’ll get the eggs ready. Neb, you can just take a seat if you want.”
Once again I turned my back to the dark-skinned boy, opening the refrigerator the retrieve the carton of eggs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Neb pull out a chair, only to quickly back away from it.

I turned again, setting the tan carton on the multi-stoned island. “Sorry, that’s Eddy’s seat,” I said, making a clicking noise with my tongue. There was a small ‘eep’ from the raised seat and then a bolt of cream and brown fur, racing to my arms. “Neb, meet Eddy,” I laughed. The long-bodied Furret in my arms grinned at Neb before licking my cheek.

“Nice to meet you, Eddy,” Neb said, smiling. His Teddiursa waved at my Eddy, smiling as well. Eddy jumped out of my arms, running over to lick one of Neb’s cheeks and then to wrap himself around Teddiursa, who playfully hugged the Furret in return.

“I think he likes you,” I said happily. Eddy was my most protective Pokemon, always looking after me whenever someone even tried to threaten me. He came to work with me every day and normally to church, even though he had decided to let me be for this morning. He never liked any of my friends, but it seemed that Neb really was a lot different then what his outsides would say. After all, who would have thought that a dirty, homeless teenager was really one of the kindest boys I’ve ever met.

“Well, I like him too,” Neb replied, stroking Eddy’s back. At the touch of Neb’s hand, Eddy looked up, a wild light in his eyes. He began to chitter, a strange sound that resembles a long string of high pitched and high ranged ‘eeps’. He bounded across the table, back over to me and licked my cheek again. Frightened, I turned to Esmeralda.

“Danger,” the Psychic Eeveelution warned. “He senses danger.”

I gave a quick nod, petting Eddy’s back. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” I asked hesitantly. Eddy couldn’t speak English, but he did know a few of the basic words. He, too, had to give up something. But his was more subtle than Esmeralda’s. Instead of losing some sort of ability, he has slowly gone further and further into the midst of ADHD. He never noticed, not at first, anyways. After his first owner abandoned him as a Sentret, he’s known that something was wrong. Esmeralda and I took him in when no one else would at a Pokemon Adoption Center. As he learned new words or phrase, his ADHD slowly got worse and worse.

“Here,” Eddy replied, his voice reminding me of a child, trying to figure out his first words. It fitted him, just like Esmeralda’s voice fitted her.

“Danger here?” I asked, trying to stay calm. This wasn’t like the jolly Eddy to be so freaked out.

Just then I heard the door to the garage shut, followed by footsteps. I glanced and Neb, motioning for him to stay there.

“No, I’ll go,” he said, walking over to me. “I don’t want you to get hurt.” He rested a hand on my shoulder again, smiling. He was about as tall as I was, and if he wasn’t he was only a half an inch taller. His eyes were level with mine as he smiled.

“Then we’ll go together,” I said, turning away from him. I took his hand, warm in mine, and lead him down the wood floor hall to where the stairs and the garage door were.

Marcus Everhart was standing by garage door and the towering staircase, his dark brown hair falling messily in front of his face. Spinning violently on the palm of his hand was a Baltoy. The Clay Doll Pokemon stopped spinning when it sensed the presence of Neb and I.

Esmeralda jumped in front of me, her sleek fur bristling aggressively. She snarled primitively. “I thought you had been banned from this household!” she hissed.

Marcus grinned, flashing his white teeth. “I thought I’d stop by after I saw you and that guy head over here,” he said sadistically. Marcus was my older brother, the one that had been estranged from my family after he had been arrested for the illegal possession of marijuana plus that little incident of getting his girlfriend pregnant. Marcus was trouble and always will be. One single question nagged at me, though: why was he at my house?

He smirked, straightening himself out. “Look, little sis. I promised Dad ages ago that I would make sure any punk you were dating isn’t a douche bag,” he said casually, advancing on me and Neb. Neb took a step backwards and Teddiursa bounded in front of him, his claws glowing dangerously. Marcus held his hand out in front of him and Baltoy surged into the oncoming battle with an Explosion attack.

The front of the house was a complete wreck and I had been thrown in the living room, my pale pink dress torn at the knee and covered in dirt. Esmeralda and Eddy were unconscious under a pile of fallen debris. I hesitantly stood up, wincing as I put weight on my right leg. Looking down at it, I saw blood seeping out from a gash. I closed my eyes, wanting this terror to end.

When I opened them again, I saw that Neb was relatively unharmed, standing inside a barrier with his Pokemon. Teddiursa had put a Protect around the pair, keeping them from harm. I smiled, glad that Neb was in a fighting mood. There was no way that Marcus would have left him alone.

“Teddiursa, try Fling!” Neb said after the field vanished. Marcus was also standing with a protective barrier around him, keeping him from harm. Baltoy, however, had taken some serious damage. Surprisingly less than if he hadn’t used Protect as well for him and his Trainer.

Teddiursa quickly got to work grabbing the fallen debris and throwing it at Baltoy. For a while the spinning-top Pokemon was able to easily dodge the flying pieces of stone and wood. As Teddiursa began to quicken his throwing-pace, Baltoy started to make mistakes. First a large rock hit his head, then a couple pebbles followed by plank of burnt wood.

“Now use Slash, Teddiursa!” Neb commanded, looking completely in control of the battle.

Teddiursa nodded, sensing his trainer’s confidence. His claws began to glow an eerie white and the Little Bear Pokemon shot out past the sticks and stones to score the winning blow. But Marcus and Baltoy had other ideas.

“Psychic, Baltoy,” Marcus said calmly. Baltoy started to spin again, this time in one place. The debris around him rose into the air, each piece surrounded by a dark purple light. Teddiursa paused, looking at the menacing items cautiously. Neb’s face fell. The rocks were thrown at Teddiursa, forcing the small, bear-like Pokemon to fall onto his back.

“Teddiursa!” Neb cried out, hurrying over to his fallen friend. The Psychic did its damage and it was severe. Now it was my turn.

I glanced at the living room, which had been virtually untouched by the Explosion. Sitting in a rosy pink glass bowl were three Pokeballs, all which belonged to me. I backed away from my brother and the boy I had only met an hour or so earlier.

I snatched a Pokeball from the bowl, praying it would be a strong Pokemon. I quickly throw it into the battle, diverting Marcus and Baltoy’s attention to me. Out of the scarlet haze appeared another doll like Pokémon. This one, however, resembled a clown more than a spinning top. A small, cupcake-like pink body with stubby blue legs and a swirly blue hat. The Mime Jr. jumped up after the PokeSeals let out a shower of pink and blue hearts that vanished, spinning around once before grinning at his new opponent. Jeremy the Mime Jr. was one of my closest friends and a fierce battler. I sighed with relief, Jeremy was resistant to Psychic attacks, which is a common attack-type for Baltoy.
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Black and White Teams


Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 03-19-2010 at 11:16 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:58 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Waiting for my brother to make the next move, I watched Jeremy take in the surroundings. Then Baltoy struck out again, lashing more of the Psychic-controlled rocks at the Mime Jr. Neb’s eyes widened as Jeremy was hit on the head once. At least the battle didn’t end there. Jeremy bounced back into action quickly after rubbing his head once. The jolly Pokemon didn’t even wait to hear my command before firing one of his breeding moves, Signal Beam. The colorful spiral of rainbow power unleashed itself from between Jeremy’s hands and collided with Baltoy before either Marcus or Baltoy had any idea what was happening.

From the corner of my eyes I saw Neb pick up his injured Teddiursa, cradling the Little Bear Pokemon in his arms before glaring at Marcus and taking a step back, to stay away from the battle.

The explosion from Signal Beam crashing into Baltoy. Jeremy clapped his hands together, bouncing back over to sit in my arms. I smiled, glad that the battle was over.

I wasn’t happy, however, when the dust cleared, revealing the still-standing Baltoy, a smirking Marcus and a second Pokemon. The Ghost/Poison type floated eerily in a fog of poisonous smoke, grinning mischievously at me and Jeremy. The Gastly let out a loud, deep laugh, probably the sound of its call. Then both Baltoy and Gastly created black spheres of ghostly energy, surrounding them with the finishing touch of the purple static. Gastly’s gathered at his mouth while Baltoy’s collected at the top of his pointed head. The pair then released both their Shadow Balls at me and Jeremy.

I always remembered my brother as the kind that watches over me. When I was first learning how to ride a bike, he was there, pushing me along. My first spelling test in first grade, he helped me study. I could see why he was hesitant to attack me.

Marcus’s smile faltered, fading slowly into a frown. “Gastly! Baltoy! Stop attacking her!” he commanded—but it was too late; the Shadow Balls were already racing through the air, racing to hit me. I guess Marcus never wanted his sister to get hurt, but there was no avoiding it now. Jeremy had ducked his head into my shoulder, so there was no use asking him to perform a protective attack. Esmeralda and Eddy were still unconscious and Neb and his Pokemon were nowhere to be seen.

I was in trouble.

I braced myself for the duel attacks, raising my free hand in front of my face. But the force never hit me, never knocked me off my feet with the power to, potentially, end my life. The attacks never hit me, so when I opened my eyes I was surprised to see both Teddiursa and Neb in front of me, the Shadow Ball’s power raging through their bodies. They collapsed on the ground, most likely unconscious. Neb’s arm was bleeding badly now and Teddiursa had a large, bleeding gash on his stomach. I heard a groan coming from one of the two and I flinched, my eyes closing.

Then I heard a low-pitched meow that sounded a bit like an impatient yowl. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a wounded Esmeralda looking back at me with a strong-willed light burning in her blacks eyes. In my arms, Jeremy tugged one my hair, giving me a playful kiss on the cheek before jumping onto the ground. “We will make your brother pay, Shea Everhart,” Esmeralda said in her beautiful and dangerous voice. “Just say the words.”

I took a deep, cleansing breath. Marcus Everhart was staring at me with wide, worried eyes, wondering what I would do next. He hasn’t seen me for ten or so years and hardly knew me. I guess he was about to find out.

“Esmeralda, use Morning Sun to heal yourself,” I commanded quietly. Immediately her ruby gem on her forehead began to glow. The small amounts of sunlight that had been exposed by the Explosion got brighter and soon she was glowing too. “Jeremy, use Solar Beam on Baltoy.”

Jeremy nodded, doing a little ballerina-like twirl before placing his hands just inches apart. Light from Esmeralda’s Morning Sun began to gather in between the Mime Jr.’s palms. Because of the Morning Sun, Solar Beam was able to gather more power at a faster pace, allowing the attack to be ready within moments.

“Now, Essie, use Psybeam on Gastly as soon as Jeremy releases Solar Beam,” I commanded, slowly gaining my voice back.

The two Pokemon nodded, allowing both of their beams to gain a little bit more power before the simultaneously shot them at their respective targets. Marcus frowned, thinking quickly on how to counter the attacks.

“Gastly, Night Shade to counter the attack! Baltoy, Earth Power!” Marcus commanded quickly. Large rocks lifted from the debris and were flung at Jeremy’s incoming Solar Beam. The rocks had no chance against the powerful grassy beam—they shattered on impact. Solar Beam struck Baltoy with an amazing force, throwing the Ground/Psychic type to the ground.

Night Shade cut through the air quickly, colliding with Esmeralda’s Psybeam. The two attacks created an explosion and neither side was wounded from it.

I frowned. “Quick, Jeremy. Use Psychic on Gastly! Essie, try an Iron Tail on Baltoy!” My two Pokemon partners got to work quickly. Esmeralda darted forward, her forked, violet tail glowing silver. Jeremy raised his small pink hands and Gastly was surrounded in a pale purple light, unable to move.

“Baltoy! Get up and use Earth Power!” Marcus shrieked at his Pokemon, but there was no return response. Baltoy was only just beginning to stand back up, looking dazed and wounded. Esmeralda jumped into the air, spinning so that her tail would land right on Baltoy’s dirt brown and red body. The Clay Doll Pokemon shrieked as the Iron Tail pounded down on him. The Espeon jumped away from Baltoy, grinning.

Meanwhile, Gastly was struggling for control over gas-like body. Yet Jeremy never let his Psychic waver, holding it strongly until I commanded another attack. “Esmeralda, finish the battle with a Psybeam at Gastly.”

The beautiful and slender Eeveelution nodded, swishing her tail gently on the ground before turning to Jeremy. “Jeremy, release your hold on that Pokemon the moment I release my attack, understand?” she asked cautiously. Jeremy may be a fierce battler, but was still a child and might not have understood the Espeon’s suggestion. Nevertheless, he nodded like he understood, so I relaxed a little bit.

A beam of rainbow light shot from Esmeralda’s light, but Jeremy’s Psychic held strong. The Psychic barrier repelled the Psybeam, shooting it at the wall behind me. I had to duck to dodge it, narrowly missing the top of my head. “Jeremy!” I heard Esmeralda cry out in frustration. The call broke the Mime Jr.’s concentration, allowing Gastly to roam free again. The ghost Pokemon laughed manically before flying back over to his trainer.

Marcus closed his eyes for a moment, not knowing what to do. Baltoy had fallen and was unable to battle any longer, but Gastly hadn’t taken a single hit yet. “I’m sorry Shea,” he muttered, running a grungy hand through his thick brown hair. “I didn’t mean to hurt him… that much…” He paused, sighing. “I’m really sorry, baby sister.”

“Gastly, please return,” he said, taking his Pokeball out to recall his Pokemon, but Gastly had other ideas. The simple, floating orb took a deep breath before Licking his trainer’s hand, making the ball fly out of Marcus’s hand. Gastly quickly flew down to the floor, Licking the Pokeball up, swallowing it so that he couldn’t be recalled.

“G-gastly, what are you doing?” Marcus asked, rubbing his injured hand weakly. He looked confused and glanced at me with alarm in his eyes.

“Muaha,” the Pokemon laughed, his narrowed eyes closing in delight as he gathered the energy for a second Shadow Ball, this time aimed at his Trainer.

“Gastly! Snap out of it!” Marcus cried out before the dark ball of power collided with my brother, smashing his back into the remains of the wall behind him.

“Marcus!” I wailed, about to rushing to my brother’s side when Esmeralda stepped in my way.

“Careful, Shea. That Gastly has turned against his trainer. It is likely he will stop at nothing to destroy all of us,” she advised. Her eyes flickered to the motionless body of my brother, and then to Neb and Teddiursa’s. I gulped. “We will aid you to destroy Gastly before he destroys us.”

Besides her, Jeremy grinned, nodding enthusiastically.

“Gas… gastly gas, atly,” the floating Pokemon bellowed. “Gas, gas…. Gast-ly gas… atly...” I looked to Esmeralda again.

“He says that we have no chance against him,” the Espeon translated. “And that there is no hope…” She paused, collecting her thoughts again. “And that there is no hope for your brother or Neb and Teddiursa.” The Espeon turned back to the floating Pokemon. “Why have you turned on your Trainer? No true Pokemon would do such a horrible thing.”

“Gas… gas… gastly… Gas! Gastly gas! Astly, gas… ly!” The Pokemon was laughing, flying around wildly, a mad look in his eyes.

“He says that by refusing to battle you, his trainer has betrayed him in his quest for greatness and power,” Esmeralda translated again, her fur bristling. “He says that Marcus has showed weakness.”

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Jeremy jumped into my arms again, wiping the tear away and kissing my forehead. “Mime! Mime mimi mime mime!” he said cheerfully, throwing his fists in the air triumphantly.

“And Jeremy says that we can do it if we really, truly try,” Esmeralda mewled softly, closing her eyes before facing Gastly. Jeremy bounced out of my arms as well, landing delicately on the ground beside Esmeralda.


“Alright then. We’ll give Gastly the fight of his life,” I said, my confidence finding its way home again. “Essie, Psybeam. Jeremy, use Encore the moment Gastly uses his first attack.”

I got two good-natured grunts before the battle really began.

Esmeralda shot the rainbow-colored beam at Gastly again, who quickly countered with his signature Shadow Ball. At that moment, Jeremy began to clap his for an Encore. Gastly looked surprised, wondering why he was getting the Encore before simply smirking.

The two attacks collided in midair and when the dust began to fade away, no Pokemon was hurt.

“Jeremy, use Mimic now,” I said, grinning. “Essie, another Psybeam. Come on around both sides, okay? Make sure he has no way out.”

Another two grunts and the pair were on the move. Jeremy went left while Esmeralda took the right, both letting their attacks gain more power and energy. Esmeralda’s gem was glowing fiercely with bright, multi-colored light while the top Jeremy’s ‘hat’ was glowing black. Gastly looked stunned, looking back and forth, not knowing where he should fire. Both Ghost and Psychic type attacks were strong against his Ghost/Poison type combination and he didn’t know how he would fare.

Then he grinned, trying to call upon a Protect. But it was no use; instead it came out as a second Shadow Ball, an orb about half of the size Gastly was that glowed with the same gassy light. Gastly looked terrified when he realized he had been Encored into using the same attack, one that Jeremy could easily Mimic and use against him, doing extensive damage each time.

Gastly had no way out of this.
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Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 03-19-2010 at 09:53 PM.
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Old 03-14-2010, 07:01 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Gastly dodges, it's a fail.

Gastly gets hit by both attacks, it's a capture.

Ready for grading.
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Old 03-14-2010, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Was forced to do this. ;p

Hehe, no, but really, I'll get a grade up either tonight or tomorrow.

- Kat

EDIT: I will type up the grade first thing tomorrow morning.
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:55 AM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Plot: It was sort of a simple plot. Most of the story consisted of getting to know the characters, such as what life Shea lives and what Neb has gone through. All of it was very interesting, and it certainly makes sense that in the first “chapter” of a story there is a lot background information, but it wasn’t something that kept me reading on. When you’re going for two Pokémon of this difficulty, you have to back up character information with other plot points such as conflicts, plot twists, and so on. The only conflicts so far have been Neb being beat up by the twins, which didn’t last long and was easily resolved, and Marcus popping up and attacking near the end of the story. Unless you have a pretty exciting first chapter, I suggest you leave the harder catches for later chapters in the story, chapters that are mostly plot driven than character driven.

Also, you tend to give us information about characters in blocks and all at once, like Mr. Merchant’s history. It’s too much information at once, ESPECIALLY for a character that is never going to show up again and wasn’t that important in the first place.

One last thing: I know you have an explanation as to why Esmeralda can talk and Eddy knows some English words, but still, it’s a bit unbelievable. Meowth, in the anime, went though arduous lessons and because of that, he cannot learn Pay Day. Did Esmeralda and any other English-speaking Pokémon suffer something like that? I doubt that a lot of Pokémon would learn how to speak English if it meant becoming weaker as a Pokémon.

Introduction: It’s not uncommon to start a story with the main character talking to the reader, but I felt like I was just being told what was going to happen, what the story was going to be about. Shea is just telling us what day it was, the time it was, what she was wearing, and so on. The introduction is basically just a list that sets up the beginning of the story, which doesn’t leave the reader too much to think about, other than first line or two. An introduction’s job is to draw in the reader, and you can’t do that if you set the beginning of the story in just a couple of lines. By giving one snippet of information at a time, by spreading the information through several paragraphs, you can make the reader read on to find out more. The more they have to read on, the more chance they’ll like the story and keep on reading past the intro.

Grammar/Spelling: It was fine, other than a handful of typos here and there that more careful proofreading can’t fix. Two things I would like to point out, though:

Quote:
I think it started out as a dream. A really, really good dream.
You have a tendency to write fragments, like this one. Fragments need to be either elaborated on until they are a complete sentence or joined to a complete sentence. Fragments are used once in a while for emphasis, but you can still have the desired effect by joining this fragment to the first sentence. If you DO put fragments for emphasis, do it sparingly. This brings me to my second point:

Quote:
But when I did wake up, it seemed to be coming to life, right before my eyes.
Starting a sentence with “But” is incorrect, but many people use it for emphasis, including myself. However, if you use it too much, it loses its emphasis and merely becomes a grammar mistake.

Length: Fine.

Description/Detail: You described some things really well, such as Shea, Neb, and the mansion’s painting. Not only that, but you also mentioned small details like Neb’s boyish charm that really stuck in my mind as I read. However, despite those really good details, that’s basically all you described. Every Pokémon only had one or two description words placed on them, and the surroundings were barely touched upon. You mentioned the mansion’s painting, but while I could see that in great detail, the actual mansion was scantly described (other than a bit of the inside). The same thing goes for Cherrygrove; it was a beautiful morning, but beautiful can mean different things for different people. For example, a beautiful morning for me would be a light drizzle of rain with the clouds a gray blanket above me.

The description you did have was written in lists. “Shea wore this… she also had… her dress was…” Lists are just boring paragraphs in a story. Like I said before, give us the information bit by bit so as to not overload the reader. When Shea flicks her hair, describe its color. When she walks over to Abigail, describe her dress and the way it rippled as she walked. Also, it’s very doubtful that a reader will remember EVERYTHING your character is wearing, down to the tee, so keep that in mind when you’re describing.

Battle: Quite lengthy with a good number of attacks. The attacks could be described a bit more in detail. Instead of just telling us how they looked like, you can go in detail as to how they were launched and what effects they did when hit. However, I don’t get why Marcus kept on battling when Neb was knocked out; wouldn’t he just consider it a job done and leave? As far as I know, he doesn’t have anything against his sister to keep on attacking. Also, you never made it clear why Gastly turned on his trainer. It’s not everyday a Pokémon does that, so it struck me as weird.

Outcome: I’ll say: One Pokémon captured! To capture the other one, add more description to the surroundings and anything else and/or add more plot to the chapter, something that less character-driven and more conflict/plot/action-driven. Bold any corrections/add-ons you make. PM me for a re-grade anytime! :3

- Kat
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Old 03-19-2010, 10:01 PM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Ready for a Regrade

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Old 03-25-2010, 02:46 AM
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Default Re: All Part of a Dream

Wow. That scene with Shea and the twins was a lot more intense this time around. I could really see you elaborating on this or making it a sub-plot later on, but the way it is now is fine as well. However, what really interested me was what the Pokemon had to give up to learn English; you really took me by surprise. Eddy's ordeal gave me shivers.

All this, along with the added bit on Gastly's motive, is making me say: All Pokemon captured!

One last thing: Again, be VERY careful when you proofread. In your add-ons, I picked out a handful of small mistakes. Keep an eye out for missing commas, misspelled words and names, and dialogue mistakes.

Other than that, enjoy your Pokemon!

- Kat
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