Electrical Haze (Capture Story)

[Retro-Smasher]

Current Story: Electrical Haze
Characters (No spaces): 8,580
Characters (With spaces): 10, 490
Status: Ready to be graded


~RS

[Retro-Smasher]

Here I am, I thought, looking at the huge building looming before me. I could hear the faint buzzing of the electricity flowing through the power lines above me. As I approached the front door of this abandon power plant, I could hear Zubats flutter into the darkness. Every window was cracked and broken. There were cut or severed wires which were crackling with electricity everywhere inside the building and they writhed around like headless snakes, twisting to and fro randomly. The building inside was dimly lit and Ratatta scurried around in the dark corners of the rooms. Of course, I could only see the lobby with the small, dilapidated desk in the middle of the room. Some light bulbs flickered while others stayed bright and shone endlessly. But none of them were dark. Not one was blown. This seemed kind of strange to me, considering this place was shut down.

I walked in through the broken glass doors, making sure not to scrape myself on the sharp glass. I did this rather than simply pushing the door open because I had no idea if the alarm system still worked and despite the poor lighting, I could see hundreds of sleeping Zubat on the ceiling. They clung to the rickety iron crosspieces upside down and the swayed gently to the symphony of the chirping Cricketots. As I began towards the front desk, every footstep I took emitted a long, uneasy creak as if the floor was going to collapse. I began to move more hastily in fear of dropping straight through the floor. When I reached the desk, there were still a few papers strapped to the small clipboard. I read the papers, which seemed to be documenting the power output of the last months the place was running. The power output levels simply deteriorated, and then suddenly, the chart stopped. There was nothing else past the date December 15th 2009. The current date is March of 2010, so that was a long time ago. What happened?

As I continued on, the constant buzzing of electricity was becoming more and more irritating. The monotonous tone droned through my ears and it felt like it was drilling into my brain. Every here and there a snapped wire was waving around and bustling with electricity. I was continuing down a long hallway. Doors and small signs passed by on both sides, but I wanted to go down into the depths of the facility, to take pictures of the generator. I was beginning to get scared so I grasped my only Poke-ball in my hand and took it out of the pouch. When I finally reached the staircase, I found a locked door. It was in bad condition, with the hinges falling off and the door riddled with holes. After playing around with the lock for awhile, I conceded that the only way to open the door was to kick it down, which shouldn’t be hard.

As the door tumbled down the stairs, Zubat came fluttering out of the stairwell; their earsplitting squeaking even flooded out the loud humming of the electricity. I walked down the slippery stairs carefully and the smell was almost unbearable. Suddenly, I felt my feet slide from underneath as I skid across a step, and then I fell over. In an attempt to stop my fall, I grabbed the rusty railing on the side of the staircase. The unstable railing strained under my weight, and with a loud crack, their bolts broke off, causing the rail to fall over on its side and hang down the side of the stairs. Considering I was also leaning on the railing trying to regain my balance, I also flew over the side and hung there from the railing. I couldn’t see the bottom because I didn’t have my flashlight on yet, but I needed to let go with one hand to grab my flashlight. I relaxed the grip in my right hand and slowly began reaching for it. In the mean time, the railing continually uttered hoarse groans and creaks. I felt the flashlight in my pocket when I heard a noise which alerted me. A loud snap followed by three more and then multiple metallic clangs. A few of the bolts had burst off and the rail suddenly became totally unbalanced. It emitted one last painful moan, and then snapped off, sending me down into the darkness.

I got up and got my bearings. Turning on the flashlight, I looked up. Apparently I had only fallen about 7 feet when the railing broke off, and I had not hurt myself at all. When I turned around, I was surrounded by Magnemite. But they didn’t attack me, they even completely ignored me. They just flew around me and went into a large crack in the wall. It seemed that they were in a large pack and all had one common goal to reach. The buzzing of the electricity was now deafening and it was no longer a faint humming or buzzing. It sounded like someone zipping a huge zipper. I continued on, but entered a room where I realized I didn’t need my flashlight anymore.

The room was as bright as a cloudless summer day, and there wasn’t even one flickering light bulb. Massive generators stood on both sides of me and they whirred as if fully powered. As I continued on, I saw Electrode, Magnemite and other electrical Pokémon zooming about and checking dials. Some flew into the ceiling, others into holes in the walls; some even flew into the generators themselves! I could see a door at the end of the room. When I reached it I read the sign. “WARNING! Extremely high voltage! Employees only! Generator maintenance room”

The door was unlocked and I slowly pushed it open. The walls were lined with switches and dials and all sorts of electrical components. There were pressure gauges and galvanometers, there were huge pull switches and little tiny switches, there were buttons of all sizes, and wheels of al diameters. But the most appalling thing of all was the small Elekid in the center of the room. He was standing on a metal plate which had a multitude of wires running into it and out of it. He was standing there with his eyes closed. It looked as if he was trying to think of something beyond his comprehension, with his eyes squinted and his face in a look of extreme exertion. But he wasn’t just standing there. He was powering the entire facility! There was a huge field of electricity around him, and miniature lightning bolts shot out in every direction. My hairs stood on end and the metal in my clothes hummed. The din inside the room was like a thousand cars mixed with a stampede of angry Tauros. That’s when I realized the real reason I came here. It wasn’t on a dare; it was my destiny to catch that little powerhouse.

I knew if my Teddiursa or I even went near him, we’d be zapped into tomorrow. So I threw Poke-balls, but to no avail. They simply exploded as soon as they reached the electrical field, or they were deflected. I had to snap him out of that trance to get him to fight. I looked around for something to use, but nothing was on the floor! It seemed like they really cared about cleanliness here… But one thing caught my eye. A large circuit board switch was hanging on one hinge. I grabbed it and gave it a good yank. It came off just like that; I didn’t even have to exert any force. Then I turned back to the Elekid, took aim, and threw the switch. It sailed through the air in slow motion, and a grand symphony of electrical instruments played out a melody in beeps and boops to its small journey. It collided with his stomach and made a loud ringing noise. Then everything sped up again.

The Elekid opened his eyes and stopped the flow of electricity. The whirring of the generators stopped, the beeps stopped, and then everything went quiet. For a second I thought time had stopped; nothing was moving or making any noise. Then I realized my mistake. He was the one powering the entire facility! By stopping him, I successfully stopped all power from running through the facility. Everything then went dark. I could hear him angrily shuffling around and then I felt a sharp pain and numbness in my arm. The Elekid came up and grabbed my arm, and then he gave me a hearty electric shock. I then decided it was time for a battle. I burst out the door into the generator room and took out my flashlight and Snuffy’s Poke-ball. I let him out and he let out that a cute Teddiursa roar.

The Elekid backed up and got into a defensive stance. Deciding I should get the first attack to surprise the Elekid, I had Teddiursa attack with Faint Attack. He disappeared into the darkness and then popped out behind the Elekid and punched him in the back. The Elekid teetered around for a second and then regained his balance. But it seemed as though he wasn’t even hurt by that attack, he just shook it off and struck Snuffy with a… Thunder-punch? I never knew such a Elekid could have that attack! Snuffy reeled backwards and collided into a generator. He let out another roar and got back on his feet, but the Elekid was already attacking. He threw another Thunder-punch followed by a Shock-wave. Snuffy dodged the first one, but the shock wave caught him in the back and he fell over right before me.

I quickly reached into my pocket and grabbed a few berries, tossing them to him. He ate them noisily and turned around only to have to dodge another attack. I saw that once coming though and I ordered him to use Lick. The Elekid, who was caught off guard by that attack, stumbled backwards and tripped on a large cable. The Elekid lay there paralyzed for a second, and I saw my first chance open up. I threw a Poke-ball and captured him inside. It wobbled around but then cracked and burst open, revealing a very angry Elekid. He jumped through the air and continually made erratic movements. I then saw what he was doing. He was trying to make Snuffy dizzy so he could attack and make sure he hit. I told Snuffy to close his eyes and I turned off the flashlight. There was a loud clang followed by silence.

When I turned the flash light back on, I saw the Elekid gathering himself up after he tripped over some metal components. I ordered Snuffy to use Leer followed by Scratch. Snuffy contorted his cute little face into one of pure intimidation and anger. The Elekid flinched from fear of an attack and then Snuffy dashed forward and, using his little paws with large claws, raked the Elekid’s face with his claws. The Elekid winced in pain and gripped his face. Snuffy then attacked with Faint Attack and another Lick. The Faint Attack hit the Elekid in the chin, and then Snuffy licked him right on the back of the head. The Elekid fell over and was paralyzed from fear. That’s when my second chance opened up. I threw my last Pokeball in hopes of catching an Elekid.

~RS

[Jack of Clovers]

The Good

Plot:
Mystery and Horror were two genres that came to my mind when I read this. Suspense, too, because I had no idea what was going to happen while you walked through the dark building. The idea that we didn't know what you were doing there also added to that fear. As a first story, this was told very well, even with the lack of any plot motivation.

Detail:
This is your where you excelled at. As you walked around, describing the walls, loose cable, and the lights flickering, I felt like I was the one there instead. Really put me in suspense. What I liked the most was your use of darkness throughout the story to set the mood and atmosphere.

Effort for Pokemon:
I like to see failed Pokeball throws every once in a while; it shows that you aren't 'perfect' at catching Pokemon. I also found it exciting to fight in near darkness, only using the flashlight to help you see. This battle really surprised me, especially from a first timer.

Improve Upon

Grammar:
Just a couple errors you missed over.

They clung to the rickety iron crosspieces upside down and the swayed gently to the symphony of the chirping Cricketots.

they

I let him out and he let out that a cute Teddiursa roar.

You have to be careful using the same words so close together in the same sentence- try something else. ex: shrieked, chirped, growled, etc.

He was standing on a metal plate which had a multitude of wires running into it and out of it.

'into and out of' are both describing the same noun, 'it', so you only need to say it once.

*Please don't center the entire story. And use a bigger font. It'll look better, I swear! Thanks.*

Plot:
So, first stories are usually a way to introduce the character and setting, and we don't get that here. Don't forget to add background about your character. Who is he? What's he look like? Where is he from? There has to be a real reason why you were in the building. It's ideas like this that can improve the storyline and add more depth to your characters.

Details:
Not marking anything off here.

Effort for Pokemon:
Just a reminder- as you go up in Pokemon difficulty, you'll need more effort to get it. This story was fine.

Personal Review and Tips

Looks like you got the hang of writing. You are on the right path and I can see you having hardly any trouble writing for more Pokemon in the future. Just remember to give your characters some depth and background. The URPG stories are not only about catching Pokemon, but writing a good story to go with it. Good luck.

Spoiler:

Outcome: Elekid Caught!

~Jack~