Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 04-28-2008, 11:32 PM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default The Fugitives

Epicloge: A brother and sister become fugitives and run away from the city while meeting
new friends. They both find a pokemon a let out a rage and catch them.

Note this is my last story because I'm not the writer type.
Burn my story has a banner and yours doesn't YEAH banner made by dogs rule cats drool

Electrike - Medium
C needed- 10-20k


The story might take 2-3 days to write on my busy day

You can post what you think it will be like but once I post the story Delete them please

Note: If you like the story so far Pm me and tell me what your favorite part is so far

Lastly this story will be around 10 chapters so graders get ready!
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-21-2010 at 01:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-29-2008, 01:15 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-12}


The Fugitives

Chapter
1
Run Away!!

"Hurry up, Jenna!," John shouted. "They're coming now!"
"Ok I'm getting everything I need!", Jenna said while she was packing her clothes and food.

They were sitting in Jenna's messy room hiding from the officiers out in front.

"Alright lets make a run for it!", They both said as they jumped out the window.
Jenna was a twelve-year-old girl with short orange hair, she had hazel eyes.
John was an fourteen-year-old boy who had brown hair and brown eyes, he had
big dreams about becoming a Pokemon trainer but when the Police found the parents
with cut throats that changed fast.

"Are we almost there?", Jenna asked while huffing and puffing.

"No so stop asking!", John barked "I'll tell you when we get there!"

They were running to a safe harbor in Tallahassee from Miami. This would be a hard trip
even for an Olymipic gold medal runner, especially with the Police on their every move.

"Can we take a break now, John?", Jenna asked breathing heavily.

"Fine just stay low.", John said. "Hey you hungry?"

"Yeah a little bit.", She said. Jenna's stomach moaned loudly.

John reached into his backpack and pulled a can of beans and a match out of it. He found
ten rocks and put them in a circle. John found a few twigs and placed them in the center
of the circle.

"Okay here we go.", John said dropping the match onto the pile of twig and sticks. The pile
burst into a beautiful orange and yellow flame.

"Ok lets put the can over the fire.", Jenna said.

Chapter
2
C'mon Jenna

"Alright let's eat it, John.", Jenna said eagerly to eat.

"Ok let's dig in slowly though we only have seven cans of beans left after this.", John said.
They slowly began to eat the beans.

"Oh man I miss, Jake." Jenna said "I want to kiss him so much!" Jenna closed her eyes and
pictured her kissing Jake Brunsky the hottest boy in sixth grade, she thinks. She leaned
forward and pucked out her lips as if she was about kiss Jake. Suddenly her arm began
to wiggle and she fell over.

"Hahaha! What the hell? What are you doing you freak!" John hollared.

"Ugh. Whats your issue?" Jenna said madly. Her face turned a deep red. You could almost feel the heat radiating off
of her like a scorching metal rod.

"You are idiot, duh!" John said stupidily. Giving Jenna the evil eye.

For the past hour they kept fighting and arguing untill....
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-26-2010 at 11:11 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-29-2008, 07:49 PM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-12}


Chapter
3
The Police Force
"What was that?", Jenna asked frightfully. "Wait those are sirens! Oh no! Run John run!"
They were packing up their belongings as fast as they can while the sirens came closer and
closer.

The two siblings ran but got nowhere compaired to the Patriol Units. Jenna looked back
"Oh no they're right behind us!"

The Patriol officers drove onto the grass and sped up to catch up to the fugitives. A cop
jumped out of the car and hand-cuffed them.

Later when they woke up they were in jail and almost out cold. About five minutes later
the head unit member came in the door. "Hello kiddos, O.K. straight to buisness you've been suspected to have
killed your parents."

"WHAT?!", John yelled loudly "YOU THINK WE KILLED OUR PARENTS?!" John fought to get
loose but he was cuffed to the chair, so he sat down with a pissed look on his face.

"You done?", the unit leader said "Ok so everyone knows you killed your parents...", John's
face went dark red. "So you are supposed to so 17 years in hard labor and jail treatment."

John let out a sigh. "Ok dude we would never! Kill our parents we loved them!", John said
sturnly."We didn't witness it so we couldn't do it! So back off! Jenna do have to say anything?"

"Why yes I do John. Ok mister we couldn't have killed them we haven't see them in 5 weeks
And they were murdered 4 weeks ago so we couldn't have done it. Someone else must have killed them."

"Guards take them to their cell. Get them out of my sight.",
The man said.

"Let go of me!", John said. The guards threw Jenna and John into a jail cell. The jail cell looked like it had been
made 150 years ago, faded and blood stains ruined the walls. "Great now what guinus! Huh? Oh thats right we
are in jail for 17 years! God Dammit! What can we do, oh yeah NOTHING!", John yelled at Jenna.

"Calm down John please, theres got to be another way out.", she whispered "Look up there!"
John turned around and saw an opening in the wall, the wall itself was about ten feet tall.

"Ok how do we get up there huh?" John said calmly. John looked around the room. "Ah hah
there's our way out. See the rocks poking out we'll climb up that way."




Chapter
4
"The Fugitives Have Escaped!"

The sirens went off while John and Jenna ran out of the jail searching for the real person
who killed their parents. They had become un-official bounty-hunters. The guards ran to their
stations like monkeys to bananas. The gun are being shot at them while Mightyna and
Poochyena are chasing them and snapping their jaws.

John looked back. "Yeah DON'T LOOK BACK!", John yelped. "Just keep running, Jenna!"
They soon ran so far out the gun bullets couldn't reach them their only problem was
the pooches behind them.

"Where should we go, John?", Jenna said while sprinting along side John.

"How 'bout the old Power Plant?", John said "It's safe there no one ever goes in there anymore."

So it was settled they were going to the old Power Plant for safety, mean while...

"Do you see them, Sergent?", A big bulky guard asked.

"No sorry sir they're gone, should I send out more Patriol Officers?", the Sergent said

"Na' we'll find them half rotten soon.", the leader said stiffly. "Let's go have
pizza." They walked into the large glass room filled with screens. While they were eating
they noticed something or someone moving on the screen.

"Whew that was close!", John said quickly. "Glad we got out of there!"

"Yeah!", Jenna replied with a grin. "Sure are!"

They were in the faded, broken-down building when they heard someone was coming towards the Power plant! John
covered his mouth trying not to yelp. The figure came closer and closer and...
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-27-2010 at 01:02 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-29-2008, 10:29 PM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}


Chapter
5
JAKE?!?

"Wait is that... No it can't be... it is! Jake over here it's me, Jenna!", Jenna hollared at the
figure. "Wait no, no, no it can't be his eyes are blood red and the teeth are so sharp."

"Oh no you just told a person where we are and you don't who he is?", John said. "I thought
I was stupid, but you've gone passed the line way to far you iggnorant dork! Ugh now
what?"

"We have nothing to fight with execpt cans!", Jenna said sadly.

"Hey, Jenna!", the figure said "What's up, John?"

"Jake, it really is you!", Jenna's eyes began to sparkle as she ran to Jake. She ran up and
hugged him. "What happened to your eyes and teeth Jake?" Jenna ask curously

"Oh these, these are just colored contacts and fake vampire teeth. Haha fooled you huh?"
Jake said

"Kinda." Jenna said with a followed up with a sigh of relief. "Ummm, but why are you wearing them?"

"I was kind of wondering that my self." Jake said calmly. He took them out and stepped on them. "Well I guess the jokes
over now, oh well."

"Uh Jake, why are you here?", John said randomly.

"Oh ya' know, trying to train.", Jake said

"Did you hear that? C'mon you guys
someone else is coming!", John said.
They hid behind a monitor while a man named Trough walked into the Power Plant looking
around for John, Jenna, and Jake.

Suddenly John slipped and fell to the ground. Trough looked toward the noise and reached for his belt.

"Go Electavire!", Jake yelled "Volt Tackle make sure it stuns him!"

"He's a Pokemon Trainer?", John whispered "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"Go Arcanine!", Trough yelled back at Jake "Ok use a Heat Tackle!"

"A what?!", John yelled "A...a...a Heat Tackle? Is it an egg move?"

Arcanine and Electavire charged at each other with and blend of yellow and orange lights.
When they clilided a wonderful blended color of yellow and orange into a wonderful light-
orange color.

"AGH!", John yelled.

"AGH!", Jenna yelled.

"AGH!", Jake yelled.

"Hmph.", Trough said.

When the light ended both Arcanine and Electavire had fainted they are lying on the ground,
knocked out.


Chapter
6
An Electrike?

"Wow you've got Pokemon to eh?", Trough asked "Well good cause you're going to need them."
Trough looked like he was in his late 60's and had a foot long beard that was raggish and
dull colored. "Have you heard about the Electrike in this Power Plant?" he asked again.

" Uh no why?", Jake asked.

"Because there is a dead and alive Electrike in this so called Plant."

"Once long ago", he began "there was a legendary Pokemon Trainer named Ash
Ketchem..."

"Oh yeah I've heard of him.", John interupted

"Good for you, ok where was I? Oh yes now Ash had talent and power but lacked one thing,
brains. Ash always needed someone to help him out with move choices and Pokemon.
And once someone gave him a Electrike. Which he fed and helped with many different
things. When the time came he had to let Electrike go in this Power Plant. So sad indeed
but yet the friendship never died. A year past and Electrike had a son; the currently alive
one.", He went on.

"When there wasn't enough food anywhere the mother Manectric gave up her life for food
for her child, still the Electrike couldn't find any food so it became a horror to any travelers
So the Electrike still is here somewhere."

"Ok I told you a long story, that's true. Just to warn you.", Trough gave us a smile and left
ever so quickly as if he heard the Electrike was coming.

"What a freak!", John said laughing to himself.

"Maybe he isn't lying we should listen to him John.", Jenna said roughly like sandpaper
talking.

"Ok first things first, let's all agree to get the heck outta here!", Jake said
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-27-2010 at 12:56 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-30-2008, 02:05 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}


Chapter
7
Another Long Journey

"So now what? Where are we going now?", John asked " I guess another long journey?"

"I think so. I should come with you too.", Jake said "I could help you out a lot."

"Yay! Jake is staying!", Jenna said. Jenna ran up and hugged Jake.

The three teens ran out of the Plant that seemed more faded than before. John stopped and turned around he saw a dogish
figure with deep blue eyes. They met eye contact. John thought there was something
going on in between them. The dog roared then left. John turned around and saw that Jake
and Jenna got at least 30 yards in front. John ran up and started a conversation.

"So whats up guys?", John asked no one inpenticular.

"Oh nothing, John just talking!", Jake said trying to keep a smile.

"So talked to Emily lately?", Jenna said laughing.

"UGH! How do you know I like her? Huh? Talk you idiot!", John screamed. He pushed her to the ground.

"Dude calm down everyone knows that! Come on John just stop it's not that bad!", Jake said helping Jenna up.

"Ok. So where are we going now?", John asked quickly to get it over with.

"How about the Rio Bix?", Jenna said while dusting the dirt off of her "It's been a safe place for a few fugitives!"

So it was settled again they were going to the Rio Bix an old train station 5 miles away from
where they are right now. It would be another long trip for them.


Chapter
8
Rio Bix Gone?

"Okay we're at the Rio Bix.", Jenna said. She looked up from the map the had of Florida.
"What?", she gasped "Where is the Rio Bix?"

They all looked at each other and whispered to each other. That asked each other what they
would do about the amazing disappearence of the Rio Bix.

"How could this happen? It's been there for 70 years. Isn't it a historical landmark?", John
asked. "There's got to be some sort of catch to this or something."

"Yeah I agree something thats been there for 70 years can't just dissappear or vanish.",
Jake said questioning everyone.

The Rio Bix was built as a train station for young and poor travelers 70 years ago. It was
a great way for rich and poor people to get around. If someone was to pay a big tip it would
all go to improvements or to poor people.

"Ok so should we go back to the Power Plant?", Jake asked.

"Yeah most likely.", John said

"Ok so Power Plant it is.", Jenna said. "We have a long walk to do guys so lets get started."
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-27-2010 at 12:53 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-01-2008, 01:43 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}



Chapter
9
Back to the Power Plant

"Whew!", John said "What a walk!". Quickly John looked into the building. "Ok again! We are
safe!"

"From what?", Jenna asked curiously.

"I saw something in the Power Plant before we went to the Rio Bix.", John replied

"What did it look like, John?", Jake asked

"It looked like a dog with bolts of lightning on it with dark blue eyes and...", John said

"Ok ok ok!" Jenna said "Maybe is it the Electrike?"

"Yeah I think so.", Jake said "I've battled one before, John discribed it just enough."

The three fugitives ran off away from the power plant, but that does not mean the aren't
coming back. They went to look for Trough he will have some questioning to do a, lot of
questioning.

"Wait.", Jake said "Who are we looking for?"

"Trough, remember?", Jenna said.

"Wait a second.", Jake said pulling out his laptop. "Let me do some research on him." Jake
searched up Trough and found out he was a crimanal that had been suspected also for the
death of John and Jenna's parents. "Wait this can't be right", Jake said.

"What can't be right, Jake?", Jenna said.

"This says 'Trough died at the age of 55 with heart failure' how could he have told us the story
if he's dead?", Jake asked.

"Ok us becoming fugitives has lead us nowhere.", John said "Maybe did you spell his name wrong?"

"No and this photo looks just like him so now what?", Jake said

"We are going to find his grave and see what's there.", Jenna said

"Isn't that against the law?", John said

"Yep so let's go!", Jenna hollared


Chapter
10
The Graveyard Of Wondering Pokemon!

"Ok we're here now what?", John asked, suddenly the bushes behind them rustled "What was that!"

"I don't know.", Jake said "Maybe a Zubat, maybe not let's keep going."

So the three teens went out searching the graveyard for Trough's grave.

"What was that?", John turned around and looked around "Oh whew I thought someone was
there!" When he turned around he screamed.

"He found it", Jenna said.

Jenna and Jake ran to John where they saw Trough's grave.

"Ok so this is it his grave wow! Not!", Jake said bored half to death.

"Ok am I the only one hearing things?", John said "Or did someone just call our names?"

They turned around to see a Gengar had been stalking them.

"GenGAR!" It roared as it send out a blob of black and purple colors.

It couldn't have been more perfect timing but the three heard another sound this time it said
"Electrike!" the Electrike roared as it jumped out of a bush. Suddenly Electrike let out a
wonderful mix of yellow and orange out of its mouth.

"Thats...thats...", John said

"Electrike." Jake said "So thats what you saw back at the Power Plant huh? If it wouldn't
had come we would of been perment residents here."

When the two blobs smashed into each other there was an explosion of magnificent color.

"Hehehe" Gengar chuckled at Electrike.

"Grr" Electrike scowled at Gengar and let out a massive blast of lightning out of its mouth.

"Hehehe" Gengar laughed an evil laugh and shot another black and purple blob out. After the two attacks collided, Gengar disappered.

"Wha...Where did it go?", Right as John finished that sentence the Gengar appered right in front
of the three teens.

"HAHAHA!" It chuckled at Electrike.

"Grr...ROAR!!" Electrike went as it's eyes went white and lots of electricity was flying off of
it. Electrike released the electricity at Gengar and it exploded.

"Wow inpressive it used Charge then Discharge great combo.", Jake said

"Hey Electrike... Thanks", John said "How would you like to come with us on our long travels?"

"Grr." It replied with a nod.

"Yes I got my first pokemon!", John yelled "Come on let's go."

"Congrates John!", Jenna and Jake Chirruped.



THE END!!
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 04-26-2010 at 11:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-01-2008, 01:45 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}

Ok it's ready to be graded
No. of C: 15,386 or around that
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 05-16-2008 at 08:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-01-2008, 02:13 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}

Actually, your story is 15K, not 30K. ^^;

You can use this to count your characters, just copy and paste the text in the second box. =)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-01-2008, 02:14 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}

I changed my pokemon from Manectric to Electrike
__________________


Large image is large.

Last edited by Zolar; 05-16-2008 at 08:19 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-20-2008, 01:59 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: The Fugitives {PG-13}

I was going to do this yesterday, but we went to the beach. ^^;

Plot: John and Jenna are fugitives after their parents are murdered. The police, thinking that the kids were the ones who killed the parents, catch them and jail them only to discover they have escaped. The two kids run to the Power Plant, meet up with a kid name Jake, and start investigating both about the Electrike and the death of their parents, When they go to a graveyard, they are attacked by a Gengar. However, the Electrike form the Power Plant defeats the Gengar and decides to go with the kids.

It was a good plot, more exciting than some plots I’ve seen as a Grader. I liked how John and Jenna were merely trying to figure the death of their parents but later got mixed up in some legend. However, there were some things that made the whole things confusing. For example, you left multiple things unexplained. Why did Jenna and John run away from the first place if they weren’t the ones who killed their parents? Why did the police think the kids killed the parents? Why was Jake in the Power Plant in the first place? When you leave critical things like these unexplained, it makes the plot seem random and unorganized. We need our questions answered so that we don’t get lost while reading your story.

Introduction: You opened up the story in an exciting way, not in the whole “wake up in the morning for a new adventure” method that has been overused so many times. Like I said above, you didn’t tell us exactly why they were running away nor when or how the parents were murdered. Once again, these things have to be known or else the whole plot looks like one big, random mess.

You told us briefly about the characters which is good, just elaborate more so that we can have a better picture. In addition to that, tell us about where they are. Were they in John’s room? Were they in the kitchen of their two story house? This also gives us a better picture of what us going on.

Grammar/Spelling: This was very iffy. You neglected putting periods or commas in some places and numerous words were misspelled. Type your story in MS Word of some other word document, they can get rid of the spelling errors with a simple click.

Quote:
"Fine just stay low." John said.
This needs to be a comma because it follows with “John said.”

Quote:
Jenna was a 12-year-old girl with short orange hair.
All numbers below “100” need to be spelled out. So “12” should be “twelve”.

Quote:
"Can we take a break now, John?"
Whenever one character addresses another in a story, a comma is needed before the name of the person who is being addressed (in this case, John).

Quote:
"Ok let's put the can over the fire."
It should be “lets”, without the apostrophe.

Quote:
What the h***?
You don’t really need to block out “hell”, you did warn this is PG-13 so language like this isn’t a surprise.

Quote:
When the two blobs smashed into each other there was an explosion of wonderess color.
I’m pretty sure you meant “wondrous”.

Overall, PLEASE read over your story so you can see any typos or the likes. Also, copy and paste this into MS Word for those misspelled words to copy and paste your story into an online spell checker.

Length: Good, no complaints here.

Reality: Police only use physical force when a suspect is wild (putting both himself and the people around him in danger) and does not want to cooperate or if they are carrying a weapon, I find it hard to believe that the police would outright tackle two children so hard they knock them out just because they were running. Also, since both John and Jenna are minors, I think they would be sent to juvenile hall for seventeen years, no hard labor, for murder.

Description/Detail: Unfortunately, other than a few words here and there, there wasn’t any. I couldn’t see what was happening. As the story goes along, describe the surroundings and the characters. What did the Power Plant look like? What did the jail cell look like? Whenever you change surroundings (ex. From jail cell to Power Plant), you need to describe the new surroundings so we don’t get lost. Also, characters such as Trough and Jake need to be described as well, even if they aren’t major characters.

In addition, all Pokemon should be described despite the fact that we’re in a Pokemon forum. Tells us the color of their fur, any special marking, and anything else you can think of.

Battle: It was a tad too short, mainly because Gengar only got in one attack while Electrike got in three attacks; this also made the battle uneven. You want all your battles to be two-sided, you want them even matched so that the battle is interesting and lengthy. Both of these Pokemon have a good range of attacks that they can use, using as many as you can give you an exciting battle to end the story with.

Also, describing the attacks more can also make the battle more vibrant. Give us colors, sounds, how the Pokemon were injured, etc.

Outcome: Despite the fact that your had an interesting plot going on, your grammar was not up to standard and there was basically no description. Sorry, but: Electrike not captured! The story needs some bit of work before you can get the dog. If you fix up your grammar (not just the mistakes I pointed out), add some description and detail (not just some words), and make the battle just a little bit longer (probably just add one more move to Gengar and Electrike), I’ll give you the Pokemon. Sorry if this seems like a lot, but I know you can do it. ^^

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 05-20-2008 at 02:40 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 04-26-2010, 05:00 PM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives

And I'm just waitin'.... WAITIN'!... Waitin' on a re-grade. lol John Mayer
__________________


Large image is large.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-27-2010, 01:56 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: The Fugitives

^^; It's hard to do re-grade a story after a few months, but this one is two years old. Wow. Due to that, I don't know what you changed, what you added, and so on, so bare with me.

Your grammar is still iffy. There were mispelled words here and there, and there was very limited description after you described the two main characters. What did the cop look like? Where did the two siblings stop to eat? The battle was okay, but descriptions were one or two words.

Sorry, but Electrike not captured! ^^;

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-27-2010, 01:58 AM
Zolar's Avatar
Zolar Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Does it concern you?
Posts: 767
Send a message via AIM to Zolar Send a message via Yahoo to Zolar
Default Re: The Fugitives

Hehe Fail I'm done with this thing it sucked
__________________


Large image is large.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:41 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com