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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 04-15-2010, 10:09 PM
bigtukker Offline
 
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Default A match-up for Machop [To Be Graded]

It was ten o’clock in the morning. A Pidgey, a brown, tiny bird, fought against the air friction to get the ring in its beak before hitting the ground. Pidgey almost hit the sandy floor, but ascended early enough. It tossed the ring back to its trainer, Samoht. That was all of them.
Samoht was long and black haired. He was clothed in a dark blue outfit and wore a backpack of a very simple model. He wore black sneakers with white stripes, which looked like shoes of a giant sport mark, but they were actually fake, but who cares, they were comfortable.
“Good work, Pidgey,” Samoht said. “You’re getting faster every day.”
Pidgey looked happy. The two were at the training field right next to the Pokémon Center in Pewter City. The Pokémon Center was significantly smaller than the one in Viridian City. It was at most five meters high and had a red, flat roof. At the side Samoht was on, a glass slide door was installed and the floor of the Pokémon Center was build out of wood. The floor was so clean, some people would almost believe it’s still wet.
Pidgey landed on Samohts left arm, where he kept the rings, and poked with its beak against one of the rings.
“Okay, okay,” Samoht chuckled. “Once more, but then its Poliwrath’s turn. We want to get that Ice Punch perfect, remember?”
Pidgey flew back in the air.
“Incoming!” Samoht yelled and he tossed the five rings in the air again. “Quick Attack, Pidgey!”
The Flying-type Pokémon began to capture the rings with incredible speed and tossed them back to its trainer. The first four were caught in three seconds, but a sudden windflaw blew the fifth a couple of meters further and higher making Pidgey miss.
“No worries, Pidgey!” Samoht called. He felt the wind changing and ordered Pidgey to try a use of Agility. Pidgey flew even faster to the descending ring. Both Pidgey and Samoht saw a silhouette jumping out of some nearby bushes grabbing the ring. Pidgey tried to lower its speed, but couldn’t help bumping into the small human shape.
“Pidgey!” Samoht called and saw that the bird lay on the ground. Samoht picked the bird in his arm and looked what it was Samohts Pidgey collapsed with. A Machop lay with its arms spread on the ground, with Samohts ring next to its right hand. It was a grey turtle-looking Pokémon with three yellow plates sticking out of his head. If he was standing it would be probably reach Samohts chest.
Samoht picked the Pokédex out of his pocked and scanned the Fighting-type. A mechanical voice was heard from the small speakers: “Machop, the Superpower Pokémon, Machop have muscles that never tire no matter how much they excercise. Machop have enough strength to throw 100 average sized adults.”
“Are you okay?” Samoht asked.
Machop began to sit down and gazed around until he saw Pidgey. Right when he looked the Tiny Bird in its eyes he began to yell at the Pidgey. Pidgey cooed back loudly, not so friendly either. Machop went really angry now and began to yell even louder. Pidgey freed himself from Samohts arms and began to yell louder than Machop. Samoht put his fingers in his ears, for his own ears sake. Pidgey started to flaps its wing with high frequency whipping up a Gust attack. Machop answered by hitting the bird with a Cross Chop attack. “Pidgey return!” Samoht called and aimed the Poké Ball at Pidgey, but the bird avoided being caught by the Poké Ball and hit Machop with a Wing Attack.
“Poliwrath, now!” Samoht said. He threw the Poké Ball in front of him and the Poké Ball released a white cloud who changed into Poliwrath.
“Poliwrath, use Hypnosis!” Samoht said, and Poliwrath began to concentrate his body to make it turn around, but both Pidgey and Machop were blinded by anger and weren’t to watch at Poliwrath’s belly.
“Poliwrath, try Water Sport,” Samoht said, but he noticed both Pokémon were tired out. “Poliwrath, Pidgey, return now!”
“Stop!” Samoht heard a high voice from behind him.
“You have to take it with you!” it was Officer Jenny. A blue haired young woman on a motorbike, in a police uniform. “That Pokémon is always up to a fight. This time he may be tired, but next week it will return. It always causes trouble in this city. Please capture it. After I saw you trying to make those two stop fighting, I know it will be in good hands.”
Samoht was flattered a little by the nice words of Officer Jenny, but he recovered fast.
“Let’s capture it then,” he said. “Poké Ball, now!”
The Poké Ball opened itself and converted Machop in a red cloud before absorbing it. The Poké Ball wiggled a little, and another wiggle. But the Poké Ball flew open!
“What?” both officer Jenny and Samoht asked loudly. Machop stood there, he looked tired, but still in a fighters mood.
“It still want to battle,” officer Jenny concluded. “Make it a good one!”
“Of course,” Samoht answered seriously. “Pidgey, go!”
Pidgey was sent out of the Poké Ball again.
“Hey Pidgey,” Samoht said “We’re want to capture that Machop. I know you’re not friends, but I know he will give both of us respect if we put up a good fight. And I’m sure you’ll be friends. So, what do you think?”
Pidgey was still weak from the previous fight. Machop was tired too. Pidgey looked at Samoht and nodded.
“Alright, Pidgey, use Wing Attack”
Pidgey began to fly very fast again with its right wing glowing, trying to strike Machop. The Superpower Pokémon proved to be a fast one to as it managed to dodge Pidgey’s attack. Machop stood behind Pidgey and hit it with a Cross Chop. Pidgey recovered itself and waited Samoht next orders.
“Pidgey, use Agility!” Samoht said making Pidgey speed up his flight. Samoht saw how Machop was trying to follow Pidgey with Foresight.
“Pidgey, Quick Attack!” Samoht called and with Pidgey even enhancing its speed tried to tackle Machop, but it knocked Pidgey back with Dynamicpunch. Pidgey collapsed on the ground and struggled to gather its last reserves of energy.
“Pidgey, are you alright” Samoht said in pure reaction. Of course Pidgey is not alright, how could Samoht be so stupid to attack Machop right away, while he knew Machop used Foresight.
“Wait a minute!” Samoht said like he got another idea. “Pidgey, use Agility!” Pidgey got its energy gathered and began to fly in the air while speeding up and it was clear to Samoht that Machop was following Pidgey again.
“Now descent and turn circles around Machop!” Pidgey descended with its speed boosted and when it was about to hit the ground it ascended a little to stay even with the ground. Pidgey began to turn circles around Machop, with its opponent still following it. The Machop went dizzy by turning around capturing Pidgey with its eyes.
“Alright, it begins to work. Use Double Team too!” Samoht said. Pidgey made clones what made Pidgey even look faster than it was.
“Now stop!” Samoht said. Pidgey stopped and was dizzy itself too, but managed to recover in the air and land upon a oak trench. Samoht threw the Poké Ball at the Machop, making the sphere consume the Pokémon again, would it be a hit this time?


7003 characters
Aiming for Machop
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URPG Stories to be graded:
A match-up for Machop
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URPG

Last edited by bigtukker; 04-16-2010 at 01:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-18-2010, 02:07 PM
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Post Re: A match-up for Machop [To Be Graded]

I will grade this one.


It's grading time! Please read the whole grade before seeing the outcome.

Introduction: Your introduction was fairly good. From the first minute, we receive information about Samoht and his Pidgey. In addition, you cleverly started the story straightly from an everyday moment and successfully managed to mix it with the hero’s description without causing a gap. However, maybe your start was a bit too straight, but not too much. Anyways, the way you started your story is generally a good one. Nice job.

Plot: Your plot was really simple. Come to think of it, your entire story is about half an hour of your hero’s life. However, it didn’t seem boring, as it was a short one too. Nevertheless, a small problem seems to have occurred at the part where Jenny appears. “…After I saw you trying to make those two stop fighting, I know it will be in good hands.” Jenny had barely met Samoht and she could already judge whether he was capable of raising the Machop properly or not, just because she had seen him using Hypnosis? For a simple pokemon, it can be considered ok, but, for a harder pokemon, you would seriously need to enrich your plot. In addition, it seems strangethat a Poliwrath got tired by just using a Hypnosis attack. You sjouldn’t have thought of a better reason for Samoht to call it back. You could just say that a battle with the Machop would probably ruin all the training they had been doing for that ice punch. Do not leave gaps in the plot. It is the worst thing you can do.

Grammar/spelling/wrong word use:
• “Pidgey almost hit the sandy floor, but ascended early enough.”
How could it have been early enough, if it almost hit the ground? I understand what you want to say, but you should express it differently. “Pidgey almost hit the sandy floor, but, in the nick of time, it managed to ascend, avoiding the collision.
• “He wore black sneakers with white stripes, which looked like shoes of a giant sport mark, but they were actually fake, but who cares, they were comfortable.”
Better if you say “He was wearing…” because he didn’t just wear them and took them off instantly.
In addition, you repeat the word but. Generally, I have noticed that you tend to repeat. That is way you should always check your story again and, in case ou spot such a mistake, replace one of the words with another, similar one, or rephrase the whole sentence. For example, “… although they were actually fake, but who cares…”.
This period is also big. Big periods are your enemies and, whenever they are not absolutely required, you should slice them down. RephrasingHe wore black sneakers with white stripes, which looked like shoes of a giant sport mark. However, they were actually fake, but Samoht didn’t care, as they were still comfortable.
Finally, that “who cares” isn’t a good thing to write. As you may have noticed, I avoided using it before. If you insist, however, you should put it in “..”, because it is as if Samoht was talking/thinking. In other words, “… fake. “But who cares,” Samoht would say, “they are still comfortable.”
• “Samoht picked the bird in his arm and looked what it was Samohts Pidgey collapsed with.”
First of all, you mean Samoht’s and not Samohts. Whenever you are talking about possession (Samoht possesses Pidgey in our case) add after the word an ‘s, and, if the word ends with an s, add only a ‘. Then, instead of Samoht’s, in order to avoid repeating yourself, put his. And I think you mean collided and not collapsed.
• “A Machop lay with its arms spread on the ground, with Samohts ring next to its right hand.”
“A machop was laying…” Lay is totally wrong, because you need a past tense, and past simple would be also wrong because the Machop didn’t lay and then got right back on its feet in a second. It remained down for some time.
• “If he was standing it would be probably reach Samohts chest.”
It would be reaching is what you should have written. There is also a comment about this sentence in the punctuation section.
• “Machop began to sit down and gazed around until he saw Pidgey. Right when he looked the Tiny Bird in its eyes he began to yell at the Pidgey. Pidgey cooed back loudly, not so friendly either. Machop went really angry now and began to yell even louder. Pidgey freed himself from Samohts arms and began to yell louder than Machop.”
Tiny bird does not require capitals.
You repeat yell thrice and louder twice (if we do not count in loudly too). Use cry instead of the second yell and the first problem is instantly solved. For the other one, vigorously or uproariously would do.
• I noticed that generally you refer to Pidgey as it (Pidgey used its Agility attack). However, in the sentence above, you use himself. Avoid such mix ups, even though they are minor.
• “He threw the Poké Ball in front of him and the Poké Ball released a white cloud who changed into Poliwrath.”
That who refers to the white cloud. So, since the cloud is not an actual person, you should use that instead of who.
• “…Poliwrath began to concentrate his body to make it turn around…”
Maybe Poliwrath began to concentrate on his body to make the spiral shape on his tummy (there is belly following, so with tummy I avoid repeating) turn around…
• “The Poké Ball wiggled a little, and another wiggle.”
The second wiggle as a noun has no link to the main phrase. “The pokeball wiggled a lttle, and then wiggled a bit more/to wiggle a bit more later on.”
• ““What?” both officer Jenny and Samoht asked loudly.”
Jenny and Samoht did not ask. Instead, they said/exclaimed surprised. Although there is a question mark, this isn’t a question.
• ““It still want to battle,”…”
Obviously, it still wantsssssssssssssss to battle.
• ““Pidgey, Quick Attack!” Samoht called and with Pidgey even enhancing its speed tried to tackle Machop, but it knocked Pidgey back with Dynamicpunch. Pidgey collapsed on the ground and struggled to gather its last reserves of energy.”
Rephrasing: “Pidgey, Quick Attack!” Samoht called.
(big period => fragment) In response, Pidgey enhanced its speed even more (even wrongly used), trying to tackle Machop, but was knocked back by a Dynamic Punch (changing the subject in order to avoid repeating Pidgey and because using it to refer to Machopis a bit hard to understand for the reader). As a result, it collapsed on the ground, struggling to gather its last reserves of energy.” Generally, keeping the same subject within one period (by the way, a period is the text between two fullstops) is a good thing to do, because the sentence becomes more comprehensive.
• “Of course Pidgey is not alright…”
When narrating, in 99% of all times, you have to use a past tense in order to narrate. So, was is correct and not is.
• “The Machop went dizzy by turning around capturing Pidgey with its eyes.”
Too many gerunds (the –ing words) can complicate the text and confuse the reader. “The Machop got dizzy due to all the (by isn’t quite correct in this case) turning around, in its attempt to capture Pidgey with its eyes.”
• “…but managed to recover in the air and land upon a oak trench.”
Upon is wrong. Say either up on, or just on.
• “Pidgey made clones what made Pidgey even look faster than it was.”
You can use created instead of made (and add of itself to be more precise), but what I want to point out is the what use. I understands what you want to say, but in written language that what is wrong. That is correct word instead.
• “Wait a minute!” Samoht said like he got another idea.
Samoht got the idea before saying “Wait a minute!” Therefore, get must be in past perfect (he had just got). The just addition goes to the detail observations.

Punctuation:
• When you use a fullstop to end a phrase in a dialogue, the reader thinks that that phrase was said without any relatively strong emotions. However, if there is a strong emotion, such as excitement or surprise, you must use an exclamation mark, so that the reader will understand that the one talking is excited/surprised. Unfortunately, a lot of people forget to put an exclamation mark, even though it is needed. You did this too at some points of the story.
““Good work, Pidgey,” Samoht said. “You’re getting faster every day.””
You put fullstop here. But let me ask you: is Samoht’s tone similar to yours when you answer to a stranger in the elevator that the time is eleven o’clock? Obviously not. Samoht must be beaming, or at least be quite glad, that Pidgey is using its moves successfully. That is why you need an exclamation mark instead.
• “Okay, okay,” Samoht chuckled.
In this case, you need a … The fact that he chuckled means that he remained silent for a sec, in order to chuckle, and then went on talking. And silence = …
In addition, chuckle does not describe the dialogue like say, whisper, yell, mutter etc. Instead, it refers to an action that follows the dialogue. As a result, you should not replace the fullstop at the end with a comma. “Okay, okay.” Samoht chuckled.
• “If he was standing it would be probably reach Samohts chest.”
Let’s forget the grammatical mistake for a minute. Read the period yourself. Don’t you feel that there is a small pause between standing and it. Even if you don’t, there is. This pause is expressed through a comma. Therefore, the correct form would be “If he was standing, it would…”. If, in most cases, as well as when, requires a comma.
• ““Machop, the Superpower Pokémon, Machop have muscles that never tire no matter how much they excercise.”
After superpower pokemon, pokedex completely stops and then goes on. The completely means there is a fullstop (that’s why it’s called so). So, the correct form is “Machop, the Superpower Pokemon. Machop have…”
• Right when he looked the Tiny Bird in its eyes he began to yell at the Pidgey.
This is the case where when requires a comma: “… in its eyes, he began…”
• Gerunds may also get a comma to be separate from the rest of the period. “Pidgey started to flaps its wing with high frequency whipping up a Gust attack.”
You need a comma before whipping. However, because with gerunds it isn’t always sure, follow the reading rule: read it and, if you hear yourself pausing, put a comma. Follow this rules whenever you are in doubt.
• “Stop!” Samoht heard a high voice from behind him.
“You have to take it with you!” it was Officer Jenny. A blue haired young woman on a motorbike, in a police uniform. “That Pokémon is always up to a fight...”
First of all, you have to change paragraph whenever somebody new talks or the actions of someone else are being described. Thus, since the high voice is still the one talking, you must not change paragraph. However, you must before “it was Officer Jenny.” The phrase would actually be: “Samoht turned around to see it was Officer Jenny.” So, now, we are talking about somebody else than Jenny. And since we go back to Jenny talking, you need to change paragraph again. In other words:
“Stop!” Samoht heard a high voice from behind him. “You have to take it with you!”
it was Officer Jenny. A blue haired young woman on a motorbike, in a police uniform.
“That Pokémon is always up to a fight…”
• Pidgey got its energy gathered and began to fly in the air while speeding up and it was clear to Samoht that Machop was following Pidgey again.
Another gerund. This time, however, it doesn’t have to get separate from the main sentence, but from the following sentence, which means you need a comma after speeding up. Remember: reading rule.
• “Pidgey descended with its speed boosted and when it was about to hit the ground it ascended a little to stay even with the ground.”
Another case of when. It needs commas before when and after ground.
• “Samoht threw the Poké Ball at the Machop, making the sphere consume the Pokémon again, would it be a hit this time?”
See? You separated the gerund yourself. Nevertheless, the would phrase is completely irrelevant and should not be in the same period with the rest. Even if you read it, you may notice that it is better if you stopped after again instead of pausing, which means you need a fullstop.
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-20-2010 at 01:32 PM.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:30 PM
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Post Re: A match-up for Machop [To Be Graded]

Dialogue: Your dialogues are really really poor. Actually, there are no dialogues at all. There are the various orders Samoht is giving, which are ok, and there is that disastrous monologue of Officer Jenny. Apart from the fact that it is unreal (plot), she just talks to herself. Doesn’t Samoht have anything to say? At least an ok or something to let her know that he will try catching the Machop. However, creating a big dialogue in such an urgent moment (there is a battle going on) wouldn’t be good either. So, you just need what I said: a quick answer from Samoht. Maybe a phrase like “But I am not a good trainer. I won’t manage to raise it properly.” or “I don’t think I am the right trainer for it. I am still a newbie… There must be someone better for it.” to stick it with the “After I saw you trying…” phrase. That would fix a bit the problem.

Battle: Your battle was simple, which means not too complicated, with a handful of moves used. Although there weren’t many combinations, the one of Agility and Double Team was quite good. Using moves together for unexpected results is a plus for a story, so you should congratulate yourself for coming up with it. One small observation though: avoid using moves that requires TMs etc when it comes to free pokemon (like Machop using Dynamic Punch). It is not wrong, but since it is untamed, how did it learn it?
Details: Generally, your details level was more than satisfying.Keep in mind one important thing: even if something is ayton;ohto, you must write it, because the reader will probably not like having to figure out what is missing. And sometimes, something that you think is profanes may not actually be. A good example is the “It was Officer Jenny.” phrase as a pointed out before. This goes for dialogues as well; unless it is too much, you should usually add a “he said” phrase after the “…”. E.g.:
“Poliwrath, try Water Sport,” Samoht said, but he noticed both Pokémon were tired out. “Poliwrath, Pidgey, return now!”
You could add a “he thus ordered” after return now.
In addition, whenever you feel your text is dry or that it lacks something, try using adjectives or adverbs. Nevertheless, using too many of them will result in a story too “heavy” to read, so use them with caution.

Length: More than you need, so it is ok.

Result: After that huge grade, I really have nothing else to say. Your story had a bit many flaws, but for a simple pokemon, like Machop, They weren’t serious. In fact, I am glad that you hadn’t made any mistake in the dialogue punctuation (when you put comma instead of fullstops and such). So, I am happy to announce that the Machop has been successfully captured! Yay for all! (something that I just remembered: it is good to press enter twice whenever you change a paragraph and leave an empty line, so that it is easier for the grader to read your story)
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-20-2010 at 01:33 PM.
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