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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 04-16-2010, 04:36 AM
Ikuto Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 47
Default Setting out into the sand: Ready to Grade.

Attempted pokemon: Beldum
Difficulty: complex
Number of characters: 34,586 (with spaces)
Note: My first story! ^^ This story has some violence but it was made mostly for my character to make a good intro.

I sat there patiently as I have always been taught. Many thoughts were flying around in my head about how this adventure would affect my life. The carriage ride was starting to get slightly bumpy and I
had to hold on to the side rail of the cabin to hold my place. Next to me was my very first pokemon partner; an Eevee.
I stared at my new partner, who I decided to call Ru-Ru, long and hard. The Eevee just sat there docile without saying so much of a word. “You don’t talk much do you?” I asked but to no response. The
peculiar pokemon just kept watching me. “Well,” I continued, “from here on we are partners in this adventure of ours. I am to train you to become strong and you are to fight for me. We should almost be
to our destination so I suggest you get ready while I change my clothes.”

I stood up and removed my shirt and pants. Ru-Ru still said nothing to me at all as I changed into a tan vest with matching cargo shorts and boots. The carriage started to shake and rattle some more as it rode over the rough terrain before coming to a complete stop. In a few seconds the door was opened, letting the hot sunlight come into the otherwise shaded cabin.
I stepped outside and immediately shaded my eyes from the bright sun. Ru-Ru followed and stopped at my feet without a word. Winston, my family’s most loyal butler and the one who was driving the carriage, marched in front of me and stood in attention. “Master Ikuto, we are at our destination” he said loud and clear as he always did. “Thank you, Winston” I said with a polite bow. “Are you sure you are ready for this, Master?” Winston asked. I couldn’t help but give a small chuckle at the overprotective servant that stood before me. “I assure you I will be fine. I now have a pokemon with me and I plan on getting another one while I am here.” Even though I tried to sound grown, my words still came out like a sixteen- year-old child who is finally leaving his home.
“Well…I guess this is goodbye then, old bean” Winston said as he stuck out his hand for a final handshake. I felt a frown on my face. Even though Winston has cared for me since I was a baby he still tried to treat me as if we were on a ‘Master-Servant’ basis when it felt more like an extra dad. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. Winston followed suit and wrapped his arms around me. I took a deep breath to take in his scent one last time before finally pulling away. I smiled then turned to walk away. As I walked I could hear Winston saying things like “please be careful” and “if you ever run into trouble please call me”. I paused for a second when I heard that the carriage was driving away. “Finally, my journey has begun” I said to myself.

As I walked down this dusty savanna I paused and looked down every so often to make sure the Ru-Ru was keeping up. “Do you want to be in your poke ball?” I asked but Ru-Ru just kept on walking….as if it was ignoring me. I marched up to the small pokemon and bent down to its level. “Hey! Could you please acknowledge my existence even just a little bit?” I asked with a slightly rude tone. Ru-Ru stared at me again for a second then kept walking. I gave a loud sigh then stood back up. “Do you even know where you are going?” I asked which made it freeze in place. I shook my head then caught up with the small creature. “Maybe we should just have lunch” I suggested before reaching into my bag and pulling out some rolls stuffed with jelly. I took a roll and held it in front of Ru-Ru’s face and for the first time, I actually heard him speak.

“Eevee!” it said before snatching the roll from my hands. “Well, does this mean we are on friendly terms now?” I asked Ru-Ru who nodded. “Okay then, let me tell you a little about why we are here. We are here because I am trying to become a gym leader. In order to become a trainer who defends a gym I need to catch strong pokemon so I can challenge the current gym leader. If I beat the gym leader in battle, I gain the title of the leader of that gym.”

Ru-Ru was switching his attention from my speech to tearing up the roll. I smiled at how cute he could be when he wasn’t ignoring me. After our meal we started walking again. According to Winston, there should be a small town not too far ahead which was my destination for now. I kept walking despite the heat starting to take its toll on me. Ru-Ru seemed perfectly fine walking though this temperature which made me slightly envious of his endurance.

After a while I needed a rest. I sat down on a nearby slab of rock and covered my head in my arms. Ru-Ru walked up to me and sat at my feet. “I’m starting to think that maybe I should have picked a different—“My words were cut off by the ground suddenly shaking. I stood up and tried to keep my balance but I ended up falling back down. Ru-Ru crouched down and looked around for the source of this shaking. In a few seconds I saw a spike shooting out of the ground and returning back under the hard soil. I stood up again and carefully inspected where the spike came out of the ground. As I slowly crept down to the hole in the ground the same spike shot out about a meter behind me. I quickly turned to see that the spike wasn’t exactly a spike, but was a rather long claw. The source of the claw jumped out of the soil to reveal what it was; A Sandslash.

The Sandslash landed close to Ru-Ru and prepared to attack. I panicked as I had never been in a fight before and had only read about them in my studies. “Get out of the way, Ru-Ru!” I yelled which instantly made Ru-Ru jump out of the way of the Sandslash’s claw. Ru-Ru ran towards me then turned around to await orders. I snapped out of my panic and became focused on the problem at hand. “Okay lets go at this carefully” I said “use Sand Attack!” Ru-Ru nodded and ran towards the wild Sandslash while kicking dust and debris at it. The Sandslash flinched and tried to get the dirt out of its eyes. “This is a good chance to attack. Use bite!” I ordered again. Ru-Ru charged at the Sandslash and bit the wild creature then returned to my side. The Sandslash charged at Ru-Ru and swung its claws at him but missed. “Well thank god for that one. Use Take Down” I yelled. Ru-Ru hopped behind the Sandslash and gave it a full tackle. The Sandslash was hurled to the ground but made a quick recovery and swiped its claws at Ru-Ru again. This time the attack hit, which sent Ru-Ru flying into the slab of rock I was sitting at before. Panic stared to overcome my mind again. I had just obtained Ru-Ru and already he is going against an evolved wild pokemon. I started thinking about giving up and running. I just wanted to get Ru-Ru to safety. But I saw Ru-Ru get up ready to fight.

I couldn’t help but to smile. Ru-Ru was okay and ready to get back into the fight. “That’s the spirit! Now use Quick Attack!” I yelled. Ru-Ru darted at the Sandslash and hit it rather hard. Sandslash did not fall this time but instead smacked Ru-Ru to the side. I waited to see if Ru-Ru could get up a second time and was relieved when he did. I turned my attention to the Sandslash who in turn was staring at me. The Sandslash dashed towards me with its claws brandished and ready to attack me. I stared to back up then turned to run but the wild pokemon was going to catch up to me in only a matter of time. The wild pokemon leaped at me ready to strike but was intercepted by a tackle from Ru-Ru. The Sandslash was launched into the ground while I fell to the ground out of fear. My legs couldn’t move anymore. Ru-Ru stood before me wanting to defend me. I forced myself up and yelled my last command. “Ru-Ru, give it another Take Down!” Ru-Ru dashed at the Sandslash and tacked it with all of his might. Sandslash stood back up, walked a few steps towards Ru-Ru, and then finally fell. I almost fell to the ground again in relief. I had just won my first pokemon battle. I wanted to smile and cheer but I also wanted to refrain from acting like a clichéd hero in a story book. Ru-Ru walked up to me and lied down. “Great job Ru-Ru you deserve a rest” I said as I returned Ru-Ru back to his poke ball.

I took a deep breath then spat the dust out of my mouth before continuing on to the small town Winston told me about. I walked on and on for a few more miles. The heat didn’t bother me as much anymore and I wasn’t as fatigued as I was before the battle. However I did regret coming to this dessert-like savanna with each passing mile. I started to contemplate to myself whether or not it was worth walking miles on end through this hell just for a pokemon. Pictures were coming into my mind about the pokemon I wanted. I walked about seven more miles in the next hour or so. Each step was becoming harder than the last. The stress of my legs became too much for me while walking the next mile. I sat down to take another rest. I tried lying down on the dirt but it wasn’t as soft as one would think. I didn’t want to fall asleep since it would mean the death of me but I could not keep going on. My eyelids started to become heavy and I started to drift into sleep. While trying to fight the urge to just sleep right where I was I noticed something in the distance, something big.

I willed myself up to see what was in the far off horizon. At first I thought it was mirage or that maybe I was tired but there was something inside of me saying that it was real. Finally it came to me that the thing in the distance was very real. It was a dust storm, coming towards me fast. At that point all fatigue left me and I forgot about how tired I was. All I could think about was getting up and running as fast as I could. The dust storm was coming at a very fast rate. It would be where I stand in a matter of minutes. I tried to cover the distance that the storm was gaining but it was too fast. The storm was upon me and in a matter of seconds I was buffeted by the flying dust and debris. I out my hands over my head to try to protect myself but some of the wood that was picked up by the strong storm winds hit me square in the stomach. I fell to the ground and couldn’t get up. I had no more strength to get up anymore, no will to try to get away, and no energy to stay conscience.

And everything went black…..

I knew I had regained consciences but decided not to open my eyes. I knew that not only was I in a different place from when I was knocked out but I also suspected that something was about to kill or eat me. The smell of wet moss filled the air and I guess that this was what woke me up. I lied there motionless until I felt a drop of water hit me in the forehead, then the shoulder. Before I knew it I felt like I was being rained on. Drops of water were falling all over my body like a cascade. The water was cold but I kept my eyes shut. I pictured in my head all of the outcomes that might be happening to me. I could in the middle of a rain storm, or maybe being thrown into a river. I calculated how long it would be before all of these drops drowned me, but I knew my calculations were way off. Finally I opened my eyes, only to be hit in the head by what may have been a staff.

“Oh, so you’ve woken up have you?” some voice said to me. I could not see the person who was talking either because the place I was in was too dark or because I was just hit in the head pretty hard. I sat up and squinted at the silhouette as it slowly came into vision. The figure was a woman, an old woman at that. “Well at least you aren’t dead yet” the woman said.
I stared at the woman and went over what she had said. Her hair was grey and in a bun, she wore a long pale green tunic, and held the same wooden staff that she hit me with. “Excuse me but what do you mean by ‘aren’t dead yet’?” The woman laughed loudly then bent over so she towered over me. “You were hit pretty hard by that storm. I honestly had some money that would be dead in the next hour” she said. I decided right there that I did not like this lady but forced myself to be polite because she might have been the one to save me. “Thank you, kind lady. Can you tell me where we are?” I asked.

“You are at my lovely home” the lady said.

“Well where is this home of yours?” I asked

“Not too far from where I found you collapsed and it’s near a village.” She said.

I was about to ask another question when what the lady had said finally sunk into my brain. “Wait, what village?” I asked. The lady gave another obnoxious laugh and patted me on the head. “You know, Chocrocove Village” she said “we’re only about 5 miles from it.”

Chocrocove, the village that I have been trying to get to this whole time, was only 5 miles away. I got up and looked around for the exit. The place was still dark and all I could see was the space around me. I turned to the lady and said “do you know where the exit is?” I didn’t wait for an answer before running off into a random direction. I had no clue where I was going until I ran straight into a wall. I applied pressure to my forehead then placed my hand on the wall. It was rough and cold like a rock. “Excuse me ma’am, but are we in a cave?” I asked as I turned around but my question was responded with more water being poured on my head. I opened my eyes again to see the lady with an empty bucket in her hand. “I think you might have dessert fever. It’s not a good idea to be wandering about after you just woke up” she said as she tossed the bucked behind her “how about I answer a few of your questions while I make you some of my famous Smoochum tea.”

The lady led me further down her home to a secluded area with a large kettle in the middle. “Have a seat over there while I start the kettle” she said as she walked over to the kettle and stared picking up small logs around it. I took a seat on the side and leaned on the wall. The lady was placing the logs around the kettle and then lighting them with a match that she pulled from her sleeve. “To answer one of your questions, we are in a cave and I brought you here after I noticed you lying face down in the sand. You had some Trapinch gnawing on you.”

I thought about what she said. I really could have died back then if she didn’t save me. Then it hit me. Ever since I woke up I never thought about checking on Ru-Ru. I quickly took Ru-Ru’s poke ball from my belt and released him. Ru-Ru seemed fine and walked straight to me to lie down at my side. “That’s a cute Eevee you got there” the lady said. “Thanks” I replied “oh and may I ask you your name?” The lady turned around. “You can call me Ba-Ba. What exactly is your name and where did you come from?”

I sat there silent for a second. I didn’t really feel comfortable telling a stranger my background so I started with me name. “My name is Ikuto Akayumi.” The lady stared at me as if she wasn’t satisfied with my answer, and I knew she wasn’t. “Well, what were you doing in the dessert?” she asked. A silence filled the space between Ba-Ba and me. I looked at her for a second then looked down at Ru-Ru. Ru-Ru was sitting patiently waiting for me to answer. I took a deep breath then replied. “I am a new pokemon trainer who has always dreamed of becoming a gym leader. I heard about a challenge in Chocrocove Village and wanted to take it. I also might get a very rare pokemon if I beat this challenge.” Ba-Ba was filling the kettle with water while she listened. “Why did a new trainer like you decide to take this challenge? Did you know that this is a dangerous place?” she asked. “I wanted to prove my family wrong” I replied. Ru-Ru stared at me with curious eyes as if he wanted me to continue. “My family is pretty wealthy. They think that anything and everything can be bought with money. When I told them that I wanted to become a trainer they laughed at me. My dad said that I don’t need to be a gym leader when I could just take over his trade company when I’m older. He says that it would make more money.” My voice trailed off and I couldn’t talk about it anymore.

Another silence broke out and cup of tea was shoved in my face. I looked up to see Ba-Ba smiling at me. “Here it is dear” she said. I looked at it for a second then started to take a sip. “Oh wait. Don’t take a drink yet” Ba-Ba said. She then whistled loudly which echoed down the whole cave. In a moment a small cute pokemon came running in the small area. I knew this pokemon was a Smoochum from my studies. Ba-Ba grabbed the cup then handed it to the Smoochum. “Watch this” Ba-Ba said. The Smoochum looked into the cup then kissed the surface of the tea. Ba-Ba took the cup from the Smoochum before handing it back to me. I stared at the cup debating whether or not I should drink it now. “Go on, it’s not poisonous or anything” Ba-Ba said. I cautiously sipped a little from the cup only to soon down the whole entire drink. It was the best thing I have ever tasted. It was like a mix of sweet tea with something I could never describe. “Do you like it?” Ba-Ba asked. I nodded happily and then decided that I did in fact like Ba-Ba. “Well I’ll make you some more. Since it is getting late you should stay here for the night then head to Chocrocove Village tomorrow morning.

I couldn’t really argue with her so I decided to stay in the cave for the night. I shared my second cup of Smoochum tea with Ru-Ru, who was overjoyed by the flavor. I slept in the area by the kettle because the fire kept me warm. I was surprised when I was getting tired since I was in a cave. Ru-Ru was already asleep next to me by the time I lied my head down.

“Good night Ru-Ru. Tomorrow will be a big day for the both of us.”

Last edited by Ikuto; 05-14-2010 at 02:14 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-19-2010, 01:15 AM
Ikuto Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 47
Default Re: Setting out into the sand (In progress)

The sunlight penetrated through my closed eyelids the next morning. I woke up and rubbed my eyes to see that I was still in the cave. Ru-Ru was still asleep next to me curled up in a ball. I got up and walked around the area around the kettle. For some reason I was not able to call it a room. To me, the definition of a room was a space with four walls that had a door, a ceiling, fine carpet, and many expensive things inside of it. This area had none of that. The area was more or less a circle and had a dirt floor. If my mother ever found out that I was sleeping on dirt she might have a heart attack. I thought about how different it was going to be as a trainer than growing up in the big house I lived in.

I felt something brush against my leg and looked down to see Ru-Ru awake and ready to go. “Well it seems that since you’re awake we can get this show on the road” I said as a knelt down to pat Ru-Ru on the head. We walked out of the area though the opening into a long tunnel. I thought about saying goodbye to Ba-Ba before leaving but decided not to as I wouldn’t know how to get to her. Getting out of the cave was much easier than it was last night when it was dark. I made my way to the entrance of the cave pretty quickly and scanned the area around me. Ba-Ba said that the village was only 5 miles away but I didn’t know which direction to go.

“You were going to go without saying goodbye?” Ba-Ba’s voice came from behind which made me jump. “I didn’t know how to find you plus I really needed to get going” I replied. “Head south of here and you’ll find Chocrocove Village” Ba-Ba said pointing south. “Thank you for everything, Ms. Ba-Ba” I said with a polite bow. I turned to head south for the village with Ru-Ru right behind me. Before walking too far I slightly turned my head to take one last look at the cave. I saw Ba-Ba open her mouth to say something but I never heard what she said.

I was walking through the heat of the sun in the dessert again. The wind would pick up the dust and blow it into my mouth every now and then. I ignored all of the things that made me tired yesterday and focused on getting to Chocrocove Village. I was determined and wanted to finally accomplish something on my own. It seemed that the more determined I got, the more Ru-Ru got excited. We started walking up a big sandy hill. The hill seemed to get bigger and bigger as we climbed up it. I started running up the hill because I felt so much energy from wanting to get to Chocrocove Village. When I made it to the top of the hill I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened my eyes to see Chocrocove Village right beyond the hill. “Hey Ru-Ru, do you see it!? That’s the village we’ve been looking for!” I ran down the hill with my arms spread out. Ru-Ru ran after me all the way to the outskirts of the village where I had stopped. I had finally reached where I was heading and now the real task was at hand.

I crouched down behind one of the houses on the edge of the village to make sure I had everything I needed. I checked my supply of items and poke balls, which were all fine. I checked to make sure if Ru-Ru’s health was full, which it was. Last I checked my pokegear, which had eleven missed calls on it. I checked the missed calls to find that Winston had called me six times around the time I left yesterday. I wasn’t surprised a bit by this but was surprised about how my father had called five times instead of my mother. Normally my mother would be worried sick about me being more than ten meters away from the house without butler or maid at my side but my father never seemed as overprotective. Against all common sense, I decided to call Winston back.

Winton picked up almost as soon as I called. “Master Ikuto! Are you alright!? You haven’t picked up any of my calls and I thought something might have happened to you!” Winston was almost in tears. I held the pokegear away from my ear so I wouldn’t do deaf from Winston’s ranting. When he was done I took a deep breath then started trying to tell my excuse. “Winston, I’m sorry for not calling. I was busy trying to get to Chocrocove.” As soon as the words left my mouth I heard Winston put down the phone.

“Ikuto is that you?” it was my mother’s voice this time. I instantly thought of hanging up and ending the call right there. I then wanted to throw my pokegear as far as I could so I would never have to hear what my mother had to say right now. But, this pokegear was the latest and most expensive model in the world currently. My mom bought it because I got a ‘B’ on a pokemon studies test last week. I gave a big sigh then put the pokegear back up to my ear. Mom was already in the middle of her big rant. “And another thing, I tried to tell you over and over again about how dangerous pokemon can be. What if you got hurt, or kidnapped, or mugged, or lost, or even killed!? You are only a teen—” “Mom!” I shouted, cutting her off. “You are worrying way too much” I said. I tried to think of a way to calm my mom down. “Mom, I am perfectly fine. I have Ru-Ru with me there is nothing that could ever go wrong.” I quickly hung up before she could say anything else and headed off into the village without a word. There was a reason I left my pokegear at the bottom of my bag in the first place.

Chocrocove Village was a pretty rundown place. All of the houses were made of rotten wood found in the dessert without windows or doors. There were no sidewalks here nor any paved streets. I walked down the main road that divided the houses on both sides. The road leads down to the center of the village where the Chocrocove Pillar stood. The Chocrocove Pillar was the only reason why anyone would ever dare to venture into this dessert or why anyone would live in this slum of a village. The stone pillar stood at about ten feet in height and about seven feet in width. I stood on the outside of the center of the village to see the whole pillar before taking a step forward. As soon as I took my second step, it seemed as if every man in the village came running to stand before me.

I back up a step. Ru-Ru was intimidated by the crowed of men in front of us who started to yell. “Get out of here!” one of the men said. “We are tired of you guys coming here!” another said. I was confused. I didn’t think that they would hate me coming here. “Wait, I’m just trying to take the challenge” I tried to explain. More uproar was caused because of my comment. The men started to throw rocks at me. I stood my ground, and then started moving forward. I wanted to prove my dad wrong so badly that I wouldn’t let a group of people scare me away. I continued to walk forward, step by step. One of the men then threw a sharp rock straight at my leg. I reeled back in pain then fell to the ground. I covered the cut with both hands so it would maybe go away. I started to wish that these men just disappeared. Back at home, if I ever wanted something gone all I had to do was say so and I would never see it again. “Go away!” I shouted but the men just kept throwing rocks. Another rock hit me in the cheek. I fell to my back then checked my hands. They were still bloody from the cut on my leg and the cut itself was still there. I closed my eyes and thought about the men just leaving. I wanted to fulfill my task and prove to my dad that am strong and could be a gym leader. Then, the men went silent. I opened my eyes and they had stopped throwing rocks and shouting. They even split themselves to make a pathway right to the pillar. “Sorry about that, they get a little rowdy when I’m not here” A familiar voice from behind said. I turned around to see Ba-Ba standing over me.

“Ba-Ba, what are you doing here?” I asked. I quickly stood up and felt the pain of the cut on my leg and bruise on my cheek. Ba-Ba placed her hand on my cheek. “Judging by your face, I would say that you have never had a bruise before” she said. Ba-Ba then walked past me and stepped towards the crowd of men. All of the men stepped back to make their makeshift pathway bigger as if they were afraid of her. “So, the reason you came to Chocrocove Village was to actually complete our ‘Pillar Challenge’, right?” Ba-Ba asked. I nodded in agreement even though Ba-Ba was facing away from me. “Do you know what the challenge entails?” Ba-Ba asked. I shook my head slowly. “Did you realize that a new trainer like you could be killed if you came here?” Ba-Ba asked. “Yes, but I didn’t care” I replied. “And why did you not care?” Ba-Ba asked. “Because I wanted to prove my—“ I tried to finish my sentence but my words were cut off by Ba-Ba who quickly dashed up to me and held her staff up to my neck. “No, you did not come out here and risked your life just so you could prove your daddy wrong” Ba-Ba said with a voice that struck fear into me. She moved the staff from my neck and returned it to her side. “I think it’s because you want something very badly. I think it’s because you want to fulfill a dream of yours and you will go to great lengths to achieve that dream.”

I took a step back. Ba-Ba was absolutely right. I wanted nothing more than to become a strong trainer and eventually, a gym leader. “Are you willing to fight to reach that dream of yours?” Ba-Ba asked. “Yes” I said. “Are you willing to get hurt for that dream of yours?” Ba-Ba asked. I placed my hand on my cheek. “Yes, I am” I said. “Well then I, Ba-Ba, the guardian of the Chocrocove Pillar, accept your challenge!” Ba-Ba yelled.

I was shocked and confused. I studied hard about the Pillar Challenge but I never knew about a guardian I had to fight. Ba-Ba dashed to the pillar then struck it with her staff. The pillar started to glow and eerie blue light while rotating. At the top of the pillar I could see something coming out from it. As the pillar continued to rotate, small stones stared to protrude from the exterior of it. Back at the top, the thing that emerged from the pillar revealed itself to be a blue metal pokemon; a Beldum. After the pillar stopped rotating Ba-Ba reached into her sleeve and pulled out a poke ball. “Here’s how it works. We both send out one pokemon while you try to catch what’s at the top of the pillar” Ba-Ba explained. “As the guardian, I am allowed to hinder you from reaching the top of the pillar by any means necessary.” Ba-Ba threw the poke ball up and released her pokemon, the Smoochum from the cave. “Alright Ru-Ru, let’s go.” I said. Ru-Ru growled with excitement. Ba-Ba rose her hand “let the challenge begin!”

“Ru-Ru use Sand Attack!” I shouted. Ru-Ru ran up to the Smoochum and kicked dirt into its eyes. “Smoochum, use fake tears” Ba-Ba said. Smoochum’s eyes started to water and it began to cry, washing out all of the dirt in its eyes. “Ok let’s try Quick Attack” I said. Ru-Ru dashed at Smoochum with amazing speed. “Ice beam now, Smoochum” Ba-Ba said. Smoochum puckered her lips and shot a white beam from her mouth. The beam hit right where Ru-Ru was about to run, effectively stopping him and making a barrier around Smoochum and the pillar. “Crap this isn’t good. Ru-Ru use Trump Card!” I order. Ru-Ru hopped back and released a small ball of light blue energy from his mouth. The energy hit Smoochum but didn’t do a lot of damage. “Smoochum, please use another Ice Beam” Ba-Ba said in a calm voice. Smoochum puckered its lips and fired another ice beam, this time directly at Ru-Ru. Ru-Ru tried to dodge it but wasn’t able to avoid the icy blast. Ru-Ru went flying back and hit the ground. “Ru-Ru, are you okay?” I asked. Ru-Ru stood up quickly and nodded at me. “Alright, use Trump Card again” I said. Ru-Ru shot another ball of blue energy but it was darker in color this time. It made contact and seemed to do more damage too. I took this chance to run towards the pillar.

As I ran, Ba-Ba watched me with careful eyes. “Smoochum, please use Psychic” she said. Smoochum’s eyes began to glow; it gave a loud cry, and then shot a wave of energy towards me. The attack hit me hard and sent me flying into the crowd. I stood up quickly and continued running to the pillar. “Ru-Ru, use another Trump Card!” I yelled. Ru-Ru shot another Trump Card that was darker in color than the last at Smoochum. When this attack connected, it seemed as if Ru-Ru had finally done some real damage to the Smoochum. Ba-Ba took her attention off me for a second to make sure that Smoochum was fine. I used this moment to dash behind the pillar and get out of Ba-Ba’s sight. I then tried to visualize Ru-Ru’s position from Ba-Ba and Smoochum. When I pictured enough in my head I made my command. “Ru-Ru, use Growl, then Take Down!” I shouted from behind the pillar. I heard Ba-Ba laughing loudly again. “Do you realize that Growl won’t do anything to Smoochum?” Ba-Ba asked. “She only uses special attacks if you haven’t noticed.”

I ignored her and waited until Ru-Ru opened his mouth and let out a piercing growl. He then ran up to Smoochum and gave it a heavy tackle. “Now use Bite!” I shouted. Ru-Ru bit Smoochum which did more damage because she was a psychic type. “So you used Take Down to get close enough to use bite. That’s very smart of you, dear” Ba-Ba said. I looked up at the pillar and started to climb up the side using the stones that stuck out of it. “That plan you have of having your Eevee fight me down here while you climb the pillar won’t work” Ba-Ba said, “Smoochum, use Psychic.” Smoochum released another wave of energy all around her which hit both Ru-Ru from up close and me from behind the pillar. I came falling to the ground while Ru-Ru was thrown backwards. “Hit it with another Trump Card, Ru-Ru!” I yelled. Ru-Ru released a Trump Card attack that was dark blue in color and hit Smoochum. Smoochum was thrown into the pillar hard. I started climbing the pillar again, this time with a faster pace. “Smoochum use Rest” Ba-Ba said. Smoochum fell over and went to sleep. “Ru-Ru, use Tackle” I said. Ru-Ru ran up to tackle Smoochum. “Please use Sleep Talk” Ba-Ba said. Smoochum stood up with its eyes closed and opened its mouth. Ru-Ru stopped running at it a braced itself for the upcoming attack. The Smoochum then released a blizzard at Ru-Ru. Ru-Ru turned to run but his legs were still caught in the attack.

I started to climb sideways to get a better view of the battle. I saw that Ru-Ru was standing there not doing anything. I looked closer to see that both of his hind legs were frozen. I started to panic again but suppressed the feeling and focused. “Ru-Ru, use one more Trump Card!” I yelled. Ru-Ru opened his mouth to form the energy ball. The ball this time was a very dark blue and had swirls of purple in it. I knew that the Trump Card attack grew stronger the more it was used and now it is at its maximum power. Ru-Ru fired the energy ball at the sleeping Smoochum. When the attack hit it exploded on contact. A dust cloud was made from the explosion and I used this chance to climb to the top. I tried to climb as fast as I could but the number of stones coming out from the pillar was growing scarce as I got higher. At the top I could see the Beldum sitting there. It was watching me with its single orange eye.

Down below, Ba-Ba was growing impatient with the battle and decided to switch her main target to me. As she turned to look up at me her Smoochum woke up. “Good, you’re awake. Now use Ice Beam!” Ba-Ba yelled pointing at me. Smoochum shot an Ice Beam that hit me directly in the back and right leg. I screamed in pain. I never thought that being attack by a pokemon could hurt so much. It was like a knife had just stabbed me multiple times all across my body and not just where the attack hit. Even though it was an ice-type attack my lower back and leg was burning. I was hanging from the only two stones that were around me and I couldn’t use my legs to support me anymore.

I bit my lip until it bled and shut my eyes tight. Ba-Ba was about to attack again which could probably kill me. I thought about how right my mom was when she was talking about how dangerous being a trainer was. I wanted to give up and focus on saving myself when I remembered what Ba-Ba said.

“I think it’s because you want something very badly. I think it’s because you want to fulfill a dream of yours and you will go to great lengths to achieve that dream.”

I opened my eyes and grit my teeth. “Ru-Ru, use Last Resort!!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. Ru-Ru struggled to get up after using so much energy on that last Trump Card. “Smoochum give it a last Ice Beam” Ba-Ba said. Ru-Ru started to glow white while Smoochum puckered her lips. Just about four feet above me was the top of the pillar and the Beldum that sat upon it. I carefully reached into my pocket and pulled out a poke ball with one hand while holding on tightly to the stone with the other. Ru-Ru shot out bright white beams of energy in almost every direction while Smoochum shot an Ice Beam at me. I threw the poke ball at the Beldum. The poke ball hit the metal pokemon, sucked it in, and locked it within the ball.

I prayed that I would have captured the pokemon as I get hit with another Ice Beam….

---
Note: The ending depends on whether or not I catch the beldum.

Last edited by Ikuto; 05-14-2010 at 02:13 AM.
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  #3  
Old 05-12-2010, 04:04 AM
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Default Re: Setting out into the sand: Ready to Grade.

I'll grade this. :3 Expect a grade around Friday or Saturday.

- Kat
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Old 05-14-2010, 01:59 AM
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Default Re: Setting out into the sand: Ready to Grade.

Thank you very much :D
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:43 AM
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Default Re: Setting out into the sand: Ready to Grade.

Plot: The plot is a bit scattered around, I think. The Sandslash battle seemed to add nothing to the story except more length; if I hadn’t read it, I would understood the rest of the story just fine. There are small questions here and there that you never answered, such as what Ba-Ba was doing out in the middle of the savanna when she found Ikuto. As an inhabitant of the village, she must surely know about the dangers the savanna has to offer. You also never explain exactly why Ikuto is so set on being a gym leader. Yes, he says he wants to prove his father wrong, but why a gym leader and not simply a trainer? Also, other than the fact that he comes from a wealthy family, I don’t know much about him.

This doesn’t have much to do with plot, but I still feel the need to address it. Can Ikuto walk for miles in that kind of temperature? It strikes me as really unrealistic.

Chocrocove Village and its history, people, and so on were barely touched upon. Why are the villagers so violent against trainers, and if they are so angered, why don’t they just get rid of this challenge? Ba-Ba’s role in the village was never elaborated on, and as for the challenge itself, I don’t know whether it’s some tradition spanning generations or just something Ba-Ba thought of when she was bored. When an event is as monumental as this, the event that Ikuto has worked for throughout the whole thing, you cannot just vaguely explain it in one sentence and leave it at that. It loses its importance and its impact on the reader. Why should I care about this challenge if I don’t even why it’s held in the first place? Why should I care about Ikuto being hurt if I don’t even know why the villagers are angry in the first place?

Introduction: Where is savanna anyway? If Winston could drive Ikuto by carriage to it, does this mean it’s right outside the city? Were they traveling though the savanna and stopped in the middle of it? If the place where your story takes place is not something commonly known (for example, Pallet Town: many will know it’s at the bottom of the Kanto region), it’s your job to inform the reader.

Other than that, you introduced us to your main character, although the information you gave us was scant at best. Yes, you described his clothes, but his hair, eyes, and built were left to me to wonder about. Later on you told us some of his background, but how he became a trainer and how he came to find out about this village and the challenge were never revealed. We do not need to know about the character’s full history, but motives need reasons. Journeys need explanations.

Grammar/Spelling: For a Complex Pokémon, this was very poor. First off, your spacing needs work. Every time someone speaks, you make a new paragraph because if not, the dialogue gets all jumbled up, and it gets hard to keep track on who’s speaking.

Second of all, your dialogue had mistakes, most notably when you didn’t add commas.

Quote:
“Yes” I said.
You leave your dialogue open like this. You need some kind of stop, whether be it an exclamation mark, question mark, or a period. When there is no dialogue tag involved (no “said, screamed, yelled, asked,” and so on), you always end your dialogue with a period. If there is a dialogue tag, and the situation does not call for a question or exclamation mark, you put a comma:

“You’re great,” the girl told me.

“You’re great.” The girl smiled.


You are also using semicolons wrong. A semicolon is used to connect two complete sentences. For example:

Quote:
Next to me was my very first pokemon partner; an Eevee.
“An Eevee” is not a complete sentence, so the semicolon should not be used. Here, you either put a colon or a comma.

There was tense switching here and there.

Quote:
I prayed that I would have captured the pokemon as I get hit with another Ice Beam….
Here, you switched to present tense. There were many instances like these, so be very careful. On top of that, you had some misspelled words.

Length: Okay.

Description/Detail: Very scant. The only character described decently was Ba-Ba, followed by Ituko. The only surroundings described in detail was the village. The Pokémon were not described at all, and you have to remember that not everybody can remember exactly what each Pokémon looks like. Describing the Pokémon also gets you in the habit of describing everything, which leads to a better painted picture.

Visual description should not be the only description you should use. There was an instance where you said the cave was moist, and you should use more varied description like that. Ituko mentioned that the temperature was draining him, but if would have went into more detail as to how the heat felt, how it drained him, I would have been more sympathetic of his plight. Smell could also tell one about their surroundings. The village, I would imagine, might not smell very nice if it didn’t a have a sewage system. Hearing could help describe the utter silence of the vast savanna.

Battle: It was repetitive. Ru-Ru used Trump Card again and again, and it was the same thing with Smoochum with Ice Beam. Wouldn’t Ru-Ru know TM moves, since Ikuto would be wealthy enough to buy them? How about Smoochum? Would it know Egg Moves from generations of ancestors? The key to a battle is to vary your attacks because a repetitive battle is a boring battle.

There was very little description in the attacks. You say Eevee used Trump Card and that Smoochum took damage. Cue next attack. There was no description as to how the attack hit, as to what kind of damage was done, and as to how the Pokémon recovered. You even said Bite hurt Smoochum because it was part Psychic-type. This is a very frank way of telling the reader that Dark has an advantage over Psychic. Rather than saying it, describe how this attack is more affective than the other attacks Ru-Ru has been dealing.

Outcome: You have a good story here, but I have to say, Beldum not captured! Your grammar, lack of description, and lack of details that ties in the plot together were your downfall. Edit your story with improvements in all three sections, and PM me for a re-grade. ^-^

- Kat
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  #6  
Old 05-16-2010, 06:35 AM
Ikuto Offline
 
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Default Re: Setting out into the sand: Ready to Grade.

Thank you for the insight and advice. I will try to correct the mistakes (or write a new story) and get back to you. :)
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