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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-17-2010, 01:13 PM
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Default Chapter I: The Great Sandstorm [Ready For Grade]

Characters: Five-Thousand, Three-Hundred and Seventeen
Pokémon: Sandshrew
Status: Ready For Grading


The mixture of sand and dust whipped at my face as I sat, cross-legged, eyes closed, open minded in the harsh environment of the Egyptian Desert. With my left hand I caressed the smooth, metallic ball attached to my belt, and with my right hand I groped at the sand supporting my weight, picking up handfuls and letting the tiny grains fall through the gaps in my fingers, leaving them to join in with the wind and get carried away to a different part of the desert. I could feel the sand hitting my bare arms, and it stung. I could put up with it, though, at least for a few more hours. But I figured a few more hours was all I really needed to complete the task I had set out on. I gently unhooked the ball from my belt and gripped it firmly in my palm, turning it around until I could feel a button hitting my index finger. I knew it wasn't quite time, I just wanted to get into the mood before it actually happened. I liked to be prepared for these things. From quite a distance away, I heard the sound of claws moving against soft grains of sand, and my senses were alert. Was it close? Clearing my mind, I stretched out my range of hearing even wider, and I managed to pick up on the direction of which the claws were coming from; straight behind me. Without even opening my eyes I clicked the button on the metal ball I was holding and threw it back over my head, releasing the creature inside of it with a bright, blinding light. The small creature landed on it's paws, the iron it was seemingly made out of sheltering it from the sandstorm that was brewing. The sky grew darker and the sand was hitting me harder, and faster, leaving small scratches on my bare skin. I had to make a move soon, but I wanted to play it cool. Still listening to the noise of claws scraping against the sand, I waited, listened to the sound grow louder and louder, until it was finally close enough.

Metal Claw,
I whispered softly, keeping my eyes closed, my mind clear. From behind me I could feel the energy pulsating off the creature that sprang from the metal ball I threw, and even with my eyes closed I could see the white light emanating off it's claw as it prepared itself. Then I heard a noise similar to that of iron being sharpened as my Aron lunged at it's foe, connecting with a vicious Metal Claw. Our opponent was bewildered, however that didn't stop it's assault. I could see the battle in my head, and I could feel that this creatures presence was causing this increasingly dangerous sandstorm. The shrew creature that was presenting itself before my Aron ran at us, lunging at Aron with a Headbutt. We'd trained for this, however. Aron jumped into the air, narrowly avoiding the creatures hard head, and before he had even landed on the ground, I knew just what command to call out.

Iron Head, were the two words that parted from my lips, and as I said them Aron's head glowed with the same intensity as his claws had moments before. With all his might he directed himself mid-leap at the confused Sandshrew and launched himself into it headfirst. The Sandshrew, caught off guard, was thrown backwards towards me, and I knew that it was weak. I uttered the same command to my Aron, and he complied, his head yet again glowing bright white. Not being one to attack a foe on the ground, I waited until I knew the Sandshrew was up before sending my Aron in for the kill. However, I was not preparing for the Sandshrew to side-step Aron's Iron Head, and what happened next I had not planned for.

The Sandshrew lashed out at Aron's back, dragging it's claws across the smooth iron surface until three scratches were noticeable. It's sharp claws had penetrating my Aron's iron defence, and were beginning to dig into his tender skin, as I could hear his cries of pain. Something inside of me twitched, and I knew I had to do something, as the Sandshrew's Fury Swipes were destroying the only companion I had. Thinking on my feet, I knew I had to do something soon before Aron fainted.

Protect, I said, slightly loudly than I intended, and as I said this the sun lit up the edges of an invisible shield in between Sandshrew's claws and Aron's back. As Sandshrew clawed the shield, I instructed Aron to perform another Iron Head, and this time as Aron spun around and charged directly at the quizzical Sandshrew, I knew it connected. I could feel the power seeping out of the tiny shrew creature, yet I knew it wasn't yet done. I instructed Aron to mask himself within the center of the sandstorm, hide itself from it's opponent. Even I was losing touch with Aron when he did as I said, hiding within the chaos the sand was causing. The Sandshrew was back on it's feet, looking around for Aron with it's beady little eyes. It turned it's back on him for a moment, and I knew he was ours.

Metal Burst, I mouthed, and with a loud bang tiny shards of iron sprang out from the sand and embedded themselves within Sandshrew's skin, causing it to fall to the ground in pain. I could feel it's lack of power, and I decided that the time was now. As Aron limped out of the sandstorm and sat down next too me, I unhooked another sphere from my belt and stood up, turning too face the wounded Sandshrew. With my eyes closed, I expertly threw the metallic sphere at the little shrew, and it opened, a bright light engulfing the creature and trapping it inside the sphere. I watched with my mind as the sphere rocked once.... Twice...
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Last edited by Madge; 05-24-2010 at 01:42 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-02-2010, 04:22 PM
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Default Re: Chapter I: The Great Sandstorm [Ready For Grade]

Sorry it took me a while to get around to this. Anyway…

Introduction:

This story opened right into its plot. The “introduction” consists of just the first few sentences, in which the character introduces the setting of the story, and what he’s doing there. Then the Sandshrew appeared and we’re right into the plot. The introduction definitely did pull me into the story and make me want to read more, because I want to know who the main character is, and why he is in the desert. But most of all, it was your writing style that hooked me. You did a really great job of creating a mysterious, contemplative mood which, though it doesn’t tell me specifics about this character’s personality and his life, is very intriguing. For this story, I don’t see anything wrong with what you did in the intro. Good job.

Story/Plot:

Because this is obviously part of a series, and because it aims for a Simple Pokemon, I can understand why you chose to write a simple plot in this chapter. However, since I can only grade what’s in this chapter, and not what you’ve got planned for the rest of the story, I have to tell you that a battle between two Pokemon doesn’t really cut it as a standalone plot. You wrote the battle very well, but just having that wouldn’t have been enough of a plot for anything harder, probably. In the future, when you’ve got a story like this, that’s part of a series, it would probably be a good idea to include the next chapter with it. If you’ve got enough length in both chapters to catch the Pokemon you’re going after, then catching one of them in the middle of the story shouldn’t be a big deal, especially if it means that the entire story will have a developed plot, instead of submitting them separately, which can take away from both plots so that they’re kind of bland.

For a simple Pokemon, this was acceptable, I suppose, but like I said, anything harder and you would’ve failed here if the entire story was just one battle.

Description:

I already mentioned that I quite liked your description. The way your main character narrated actually necessitated such detail, because he was so aware of his surroundings. He seems like a psychic or something, which is out of the ordinary and definitely makes me want to learn more about who he is.

I do have one thing I’d like to point out to you:

Quote:
The small creature landed on it's paws, the iron it was seemingly made out of sheltering it from the sandstorm that was brewing.
The bolded part of this sentence is very awkwardly worded, mostly because there are so many words. Sometimes, it’s best to find more concise ways of describing things, because it’s easier to read. Here’s how I think you should fix that sentence:

Quote:
The small creature landed on its paws, sheltered from the brewing sandstorm by the iron plating on its body.
In grammatical terms, I think either way is right, but I believe my way sounds better because the verb tense of “sheltered” agrees with the verb tense of “landed.” Also, I took out the “it was seemingly made out of” part and replaced it with my own words because I couldn’t find a less awkward way of putting it.

For the most part, your description was fine.

Grammar/Spelling:

Your grammar was great, except for one error that popped up multiple times, such as here:

Quote:
Aron lunged at it's foe
The possessive of “it” is “its,” not “it’s.” That’s because “it’s” is a contraction for “it is” or “it has” so whoever is in charge of the English language decided we should avoid confusion between the two.

The only other grammatical error I found was this:

Quote:
It's sharp claws had penetrating my Aron's iron defence
Since this sentence should be in the past tense, you should’ve written “had penetrated” instead of “had penetrating.” This was probably just a typo, but make sure to proofread so you can catch things like this.

Length:

It was actually a little more than you had thought, it seems. Fine for a Simple mon.

Method of Capture:

Obviously, this was a battle. There’s not really much to say here, because you did a good job on the battle itself. Each side used a variety of attacks, and it wasn’t too one-sided. Your descriptions of the attacks were detailed and exciting, and the battle took a reasonable amount of time to complete. For all practical purposes, this was a fine battle, I just wish there was more to the story than the battle itself.

Result:

Even though the plot was lacking, I guess it’s enough for a simple Pokemon, so Sandshrew captured. However, if you’re next story is just another battle, there’ll be an issue. Since this is a series, I wanna see you build upon the character you created and the plot that you’ve opened up for yourself, because you haven’t really given any reason for the main character to be in the desert except catching a Sandshrew, and I highly doubt that’s what the series is based on. So, congrats, and keep writing.
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I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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