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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 05-31-2010, 05:28 AM
Eraizaa-kun's Avatar
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Default Special

(Story ready for grading)


“Home…what a terrible place it was…” “Why was I born like this?” “This is all I am, might as well embrace it…”

These were the thoughts that echoed in the mind of the small human-shaped creature. His smooth grey skin barely tightened as the Pokémon clenched to avoid being moved by the strong winds. He just wanted to stay there sitting on a rock, focusing on the sound of the wind and the roar of the waves. From time to time he would open his eyes to smile at the nearby rocky green turtle that seemed to enjoy rolling over the sand simply to flee from the small yellow sumo that was always chasing after rocks.

The wind would also carry the painful sounds of Pokémon in the distance. The sounds reminded the grey Pokémon him so much of his home. He knew very well that there was a lot of fighting going on in the direction where the houses and the people were. But he just stayed there and meditated. He knew he was different. He knew he was never again going to be ashamed of himself. He was determined to enjoy his life no matter who stood in his way.

That’s when she came along; a human female. Her skin might have been dark, but this Pokémon could tell, her heart wasn’t. The look she had on her light violet eyes showed kindness, while at the same time her yellow shirt and her blue skinny pants together with her light blue sport gloves just screamed determination. She just stood there as her eyes scanned over the beach while the wind messed around with her long golden hair. About a minute later, she took out a white and red sphere out of the violet bag she was carrying. As she opened it, in a flash of light, what looked like a tall green lizard with long leaves going out of its arms and legs appeared. The human sat down on the sand, as did her Pokémon.

They both seemed to be relaxing for a moment, but then the human said, “You know Grovyle, we may have gotten this far on our journey, but this Cianwood Gym Leader is different than the other Gym Leaders. We may need a chance of strategy, like, maybe a more hands on approach?”

Grovyle just sighed as it didn’t seem sure what to think. The human smiled and petted Grovyle to make sure it didn’t feel bad about itself. Then, when she turned towards the scenery again, she noticed the grey Pokémon staring at them. Much more than that, the two actually made eye contact.

“A Machop… That’s it! Maybe we need to fight fire with fire!” said the trainer excitedly.

Grovyle seemed to like that idea and quickly took a fighting stance. The young human just giggled when she noticed that. She signaled Grovyle to stand down and Grovyle did, but it didn’t look too happy about it.

The trainer just walked up to the Machop and said, “Hello! My name is Eleanor and I’m a Pokémon trainer. Would you like to battle?”

Machop opened his eyes widely in surprise. He didn’t expect to be challenged any time soon. He was aware of his abilities and deep down wanted to show what he could do, but he wasn’t sure if he should accept this challenge. But, before he made up his mind, Eleanor took a better look at him.

Noticing how skinny this Machop was and the fact that his muscles were barely notable she said, “Oh, you seem to be in no condition to battle. Maybe some other time? I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

Machop paid attention to those words as they took him far back into his past. Machop remembered his life back on the mountain tops where only boulders and boulder-like Pokémon sat around. He remembered when he lived among other taller and much stronger Machop. He felt like they towered over him and even more when they looked down on him. The other Machop seemed to like to gather and toss large rocks around as their version of the game of catch. The others would look at Machop and rejected him, not allowing him to play because of his appearance.

Machop suddenly snapped out of his flashback, stood up, and took a fighting stance. He wasn’t about to be left out of the playing field yet again. Eleanor looked at Machop’s face. His expression had sheer determination on it and she couldn’t ignore it.

She signaled Grovyle to come and said, “Alright, we’ll battle you.” She took a few steps back to get out of the Pokémon’s way and added, “Grovyle, go easy on him!”

Grovyle looked back at its trainer with an annoyed look, but of course, he was going to obey. Machop was annoyed as well, but was still willing to battle. He stared at Grovyle locked his sight onto it.

“Grovyle, start this out with Quick Attack!” shouted Eleanor.

Grovyle sprung forward with an impressive speed. It was sure the hit was going to be successful. Eleanor felt the same thing until she noticed something. Machop was just standing there, staring. She knew something was up. As Grovyle was about to strike, Machop stomped on the sand with his right foot and spun to the left dodging Grovyle’s attack. Grovyle kept moving forward due to the momentum of the Quick Attack. It managed to turn around by grasping onto the sand. It didn’t help much, but it eventually made Grovyle stop.

Eleanor looked directly at Grovyle and said, “You need to be careful not to overdo it with your speed. Remember, your muscles get tired, but Machop’s don’t.”

“Machop’s muscles don’t tire?” thought Machop to himself as his mind shifted back into his past. The other Machop were taking turns lifting a big boulder-like Pokémon with four arms. It seemed to be enjoying being lifted, as if it were a game, but then it was Machop’s turn. He prepared himself mentally and took a big breath as he grabbed onto the rock Pokémon. He tried and struggled, but he could only get it about a yard off the floor. The others began giggling, trying to contain their laughter, but then it happened. Machop’s face showed a lot of pain as he dropped the boulder Pokémon and dropped to the floor himself holding his right arm. Yes, it happened, he actually got a cramp. The other Machop couldn’t believe it, not even the rock Pokémon, but instead of worrying, they all burst into laugher. Machop couldn’t take it and ran down the mountain and away from his home.

“Grovyle!” shouted Eleanor’s Grovyle as it charged towards Machop with the leaf on its right arm glowing.

That shout snapped Machop back into reality. Having lost himself in thought, he wasn’t sure how to react, but at the last second, Machop became covered by a strange aura. Grovyle’s Leaf Blade suddenly turned around after making contact with the aura. Grovyle tried to stop it, but it was too late. It was forced to slash itself with it. Grovyle began running around in circles due to the pain, but Machop wasn’t completely spared. The power of the Leaf Blade had hurt him too; he just didn’t want to show it and did his best to remain calm.

“Grovyle, are you okay?” said Eleanor in worry.

“Are you okay?” echoed the voice of an old man inside Machop’s head. On the day Machop learned what he was capable of, the same day he decided to leave everything behind once and for all. He was on a small white boat, staring back at the land where the mountains he used to call home where. He then turned back to look at the source of that voice. It was a male human; an old man who seemed to like wearing brown leather. Machop recalled how sweet he looked and how his white hair matched the color of his skin. Machop simply stood there and turned back to look at the land he was leaving behind. Suddenly, the boat began to rock side to side then forcefully rocked backwards, almost turning over. A roar sounded from the front of the boat. There seemed to be a large blue snake coming out of the water. Its face was angry and Machop could only describe it and terrible.

“It’s a Gyarados!” shouted the old man.

The Gyarados seemed to be enraged and threaten to tilt the boat over. Machop was terrified as well. He wasn’t strong enough to lift a Graveler, much less face a Gyarados. If only he could do something, he thought. At that moment, a yellow sphere of energy appeared in front of him; not only that, but one next to that one, and another. He found himself surrounded by them, but he somehow felt safer with them. He began to focus as the spheres began to circle him. In just a few seconds, the spheres merged into one point and fired themselves as a beam that hit Gyarados right in the head. Whatever it was, it was painful. Gyarados simply swam away and dived in the distance.

The old man neared Machop and said, “You know, you may not look strong, but you have a gift.”

“…Gift!” sounded the voice of Eleanor loudly as Machop snapped back into reality.

He looked a Grovyle who seemed to have just eaten something. At that moment, a strange white aura surrounded the grass Pokémon and, immediately after, it ran towards Machop once again. Machop glared at it and swung his left arm forward. A strange energy suddenly shot from his hand and passed right next to Grovyle. The energy pulled Grovyle sideways making it trip and fall to the floor.

“That was a clever way to use Vacuum Wave. This Machop is smart,” Eleanor thought to herself. The then thought for a moment and shouted, “That’s it Grovyle, let’s take this battle seriously! Use Energy Ball!”

Grovyle grinned then opened its mouth as a sphere of green energy began to form. Machop grinned as well. Finally, it was time for someone to see what he was capable of. As Machop saw the Energy Ball, he began to think about the training he had done. He remembered when he simply waited for the waves to come his way with him having his hand together and his eyes closed. As he thought of it, he actually did it. Eleanor wasn’t sure what to expect. Suddenly, Grovyle fired his Energy Ball towards Machop. In Machop’s mind, the Energy Ball was like the waves he waited for as just like in his thoughts, Machop suddenly pushed his hands forward. A sphere of white energy burst out of his hands and split the waves in to in his mind as that same sphere of white energy burst out of his hands and split the Energy Ball in two. The attack kept going forward and hit Grovyle making him fly backwards almost into the water.

“Wow! What a powerful Focus Blast! So you have been holding back on us this whole time?” asked Eleanor. Since Machop just gave her a quick smile and focused right back on the battles, she took it as a yes and said, “Grovyle, Leaf Storm.”

Grovyle growled for a moment as leaves began sprouting out of its body and spiraling around him and the spiraled forward towards Machop. The human-shaped Pokémon just stood there, looking at the attack when his eyes suddenly gave out a white glow for a split second. Eleanor noticed this, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. However, in doing this, Machop didn’t take time to dodge the attack. The wind blew from behind Grovyle making all the leaves center themselves on Machop and hit him right on the stomach with more power than normal. He began screaming in pain and fell to his knees, but the screams didn’t last long. Within seconds, Machop stood up again. It was obvious that he was still in a lot of pain and that that one attack had done severe damage, but Machop was still willing to battle.

“Grovyle, finish this with another Leaf Blade!” commanded Eleanor.

Grovyle quickly sprung forward with the leaf on its right arm glowing once more. Machop remembered that one time he found himself lost inside a cave. He ended up facing a giant metal snake that had appeared. As the metal snake in his mind fired a powerful beam towards Machop, Machop pictured Grovyle being that beam. Just like in his mind, Machop's eyes gave out a suddenly light blue glow. Machop took a step to the left and dodged, not only the beam on his mind, but also the incoming Leaf Blade. Grovyle didn’t expect so a close dodge so it tried to turn around as quickly as possible, but Machop’s flashback had not ended there. Inside his mind, as soon as he dodged the beam, he opened his mouth and let out a big stream of fire in the shape of a Japanese kanji. As the fire was about to envelope the snake in Machop’s mind, Grovyle turned around and found itself being covered by an identical fire that had come out of Machop’s mouth.

“Grovyle, no!” said Eleanor as she ran to aid her Pokémon.

Grovyle was covered in burns and hanging onto the ground, but before Eleanor could reach it, something strange happened. Grovyle began to grow and sprout more leaves out of its body.

“Overgrow! I forgot about that!” said Eleanor as she took a few steps back.

Grovyle stood up and faced Machop once again. However, Machop didn’t seem scared. He just gave out a giggle. Suddenly, a strange pink glow came out of Machop’s eyes. As if that wasn’t scary enough, Eleanor stared in surprise as that exact same glow came out of Grovyle’s eyes. When the glow ended, Grovyle had shrunk. When they looked back at Machop, he is the one who was now larger than Grovyle and had a strange green coloring to him.

Eleanor was now convinced she was in over her head as she started saying, “Skill Swap, but I…”

She wasn’t able to finish that sentence because at that moment, leaves mysteriously started jumping out of Machop’s skin and spiraling around him.

“That’s Leaf Storm! But how did he…” she started to say when she suddenly had a flashback of her own as she remembered the sudden white glow Machop’s eyes gave out when Grovyle was using Leaf Storm.

“Mimic,” she said as Machop’s leaves spiraled towards Grovyle and pushed him against a rock.

At that moment, Grovyle fainted resting its head against the rock.

Eleanor pulled out the white and red ball from earlier, pointed it towards Grovyle, and said, “Return.”

A red beam came out of the ball and pull Grovyle inside of it.

Eleanor looked at the ball and said, “Grovyle, you did an excellent job. We really have a lot more training to do.”

Machop suddenly shrunk down and regained his original color.

Eleanor walked up to him and said, “Thank you for this wonderful battle. It was an honor having faced you. I hope we…”

“Machop!” shouted Machop, interrupting Eleanor.

Machop actually kneeled down towards Eleanor. He knew she had seen his abilities and acknowledged them, so she was probably the one who could help him show the world what he could do and even help him do even better.

“Does this mean…” said Eleanor but stopped as Machop nodded. “I’ll be honored to work by your side,” she finished.

Eleanor took out yet another one of those balls and opened it in front of Machop. Machop suddenly became a red beam of light which got absorbed by the ball.

“You truly are one special Pokémon,” said Eleanor as the middle of the ball began giving out red flashes.

Story Ready for Grading!!! =D


Target Pokemon: Machop
Story Level: Simple
Lenght required: 5k-10k
Lenght without spaces: Aprox. 12,000
Lenght with spaces: Aprox. 15,000

Last edited by Eraizaa-kun; 05-31-2010 at 06:14 AM.
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:58 PM
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Default Re: Special

Introduction: A very good little introduction. You draw in the readers with the image of the lone Machop and its thoughts, providing a little suspense. Naturally, we want to find out what it's doing there and why it feels the way it does. You also provided excellent description of the setting. I could really see the sand and the sea and hear the waves crashing against the rocks. You described Machop, Eleanor, and Grovyle as well, in a way that didn't seem too forced. You didn't give much of a background or history for the Machop in this beginning part of the story, but, because of the way you integrated the Machop's past into the rest of the story, that's okay. In fact, it works much better this way. You keep your readers in suspense a little longer. ;3

Plot: The basic plot, a girl finding and battling a Machop, is rather simple, but you work with it very well. You add different details to make it more interesting, like the fact that the main character is actually the Machop, not the trainer, and the way you integrated the description of the Machop's past through a series of flashbacks. For a story of this difficulty, your plot is certainly good enough. In the future, however, don't be afraid to come up with something a bit more exciting, or a little more out of the ordinary. Graders love to see unique and complicated plots. And, of course, the more difficult the capture, the more unique and complicated the plot should be. For now, though, you're doing an excellent job.

Grammar/Spelling: Not too many things here.

“Home…what a terrible place it was…” “Why was I born like this?” “This is all I am, might as well embrace it…”
As this is, it looks a bit jumbled. Having three sets of quotes, one right after the other, doesn't really make a lot of sense. Add on to the fact that these are actually thoughts, not spoken words, and it's downright confusing. I would suggest foregoing the quotation marks and italicizing all of this instead. It's what I use to denote thoughts whenever I'm writing, and it's the most obvious way. So, it would look something like this:

Home... what a terrible place it was... Why was I born like this? This is all I am, I might as well embrace it...

The look she had on her light violet eyes showed kindness,
Likely a typo, but "in" rather than "on" would be a better word choice here.

We may need a change of strategy, like, maybe a more hands on approach?
"Chance" should be "change".

His expression had sheer determination on it and she couldn’t ignore it.
Since this is a compound sentence, you need a comma before "and" to separate the two complete ideas.

Aside from the confusing part at the beginning, I didn't see a whole lot wrong in this department, which is very good. You seem to have a good grasp on both grammar and spelling. What I did see, however, was a lot of typos. They were all of the variety where they still made actual words, and so Spell Check would not pick them up. Be sure to read through the story a little more carefully to pick up these little mistakes. It makes the story seem more professional and keeps the readers focused on what's going on, not focused on figuring out what it is you're trying to say.

Also, having someone else, like a friend or a parent, read over your story for mistakes is a good idea. Someone with a fresh perspective who doesn't know what you meant might see little things that you didn't notice.

Length: Your length is very good. You're well over the maximum, which is what I like to see. Keep up the good work!

Detail/Description: As I said in the Introduction section, you are doing very well in this area. Your descriptions are vivid and precise, and you describe everything in a way that is easy to understand without breaking the flow of the writing. You also described the Pokémon, which I like to see. You also appealed to all the senses, telling the readers about the feel of the wind and the roar of the waves. What I suggest you do now is take it up another notch. Try using more descriptive words and flesh things out a little more. Find synonyms for standard words like "hard" and "glow" that add more depth to your descriptions. In this respect, the thesaurus on Microsoft Word is your best friend. Also, reading stories by other writers can help you find things to improve upon yourself. If you're ever bored one day, peruse the URPG Stories section, or even the Fanfiction section, and read a few stories. You'll be surprised what you can pick up on just by doing a little research. Of course, if you like to read published books as well, take a look at those, too. Your description is already good, but it can always be improved upon.

Battle: Your battle was excellent. You provided good description and showed everything that happened, not just calling out an attack and saying it hit or miss. You kept things interesting with dodges and using the moves in unique ways. You also used a large variety of attacks, and both Pokémon used quite a few. It remained two-sided throughout the entire story as well. I would have liked to have seen more of the setting involved, however. For example, did the sand hinder their movements? Did either Pokémon try to hide behind rocks, or even trip over them? There was a little setting involvement, but not much. Try to incorporate more into the battles in the future. After all, they're not in a stadium!

The way you incorporated the flashbacks into the battle added a nice touch as well. Showing how Machop first realized he could use these attacks added more to his character. However, there were parts where things got a bit confusing. Try to keep your writing a little more simple, so that it is easier to follow what is going on. In parts like these, where the events begin to get complicated, it can be hard, but keep trying, and be sure to read over your story when you are finished writing. Also, the Grovyle losing was a nice twist at the end. Usually, it's the other way around, and seeing things play out like they did in this story was refreshing.

Capture: There's no doubt in my mind about whether or not you deserve this Pokémon. Machop Captured! You really did well throughout this entire story, and while there are things you can work on, you're doing an excellent job. I suggest that you try going for some more difficult Pokémon in the future, though, like a Medium or even a Hard. Regardless, keep up the good work!

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