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Old 06-08-2010, 04:00 AM
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Default From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness

Pokemon attempted: Snorunt, Poliwag
Category: Medium, Simple
Characters: 16,954

From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness

The screams could be heard from down the hall. They could always be heard. What could you expect from an asylum such as this? What with the war and all. The supposedly “crazy” people were kept here. They weren't truly crazy, oh no. They were quite sane, just bitter. Bitter and righteous. Yet, the reasons for these screams, well, no one knew. Would you want to witness the pain of a thousand men being extracted from the throat of one teenage boy?

His name was Osiris. He was a strange boy from Eastern Germany. Even before the war, he was a timid and jumpy character. Being separated from his family and small amount of friends didn't do much to help, either. While every one of the people he knew were becoming trainers, bonding with Pokemon, starting adventures, making new friends, he decided to just stay home. He had a feeling something like this would happen. Why get attached to more people when you will be just gone from their lives in the end?

About a month earlier, the transports began. It was mid-December, the cool air breezed every now and then. The army came to the small towns within Germany first. Take out the nearest weak people, they thought. It was a sure fire plan. Everyone was loaded up into freight trains and cattle cars. “It's 1938, why is this happening so soon?” everyone pondered to themselves as they left behind everything dear to them. No one knew why this war began. And to this day, no one has ever found out.

Osiris and his family were some of the last to be deported. They were in shipment D, the fourth and final transportation of the citizens to the unknown places. He looked over at his brother, Arnold. He was stroking the tail of his Poliwag. Arnold was 18, being 3 years older then Osiris, yet Poliwag was his only Pokemon. They didn't have the lush life that most people seemed to have. Arnold had caught the tadpole in the back alley, using a battered Poke-Ball he had found in the trash. He didn't have to weaken it, either. The starvation of the poor thing was already enough.

Oh, how Osiris wanted to be a trainer. He was going to try to capture a Poliwag, like his brother. Or perhaps a Pidgey. Yes, it would've been fun to go flying about on the back of a Pidgeot. To escape the poverty of his old life and start anew.
But this damn war had to come and ruin his dreams.

Osiris awoke with a quick jolt. He was sweating a river onto the floor. He almost forgot where he was. The room he was in was littered with dirty syringes. Old, crusty straight jackets were tossed about on the floor. He could hear people screaming from somewhere down the hall. Somehow, it reminded him of his old home.

But, this was his new “home”.

It seemed so long ago, when in reality, was just two days before. Upon their arrival, Osiris and Arnold were split up by the people only known as "the guards." They were tall beasts of men, with rough faces. Most of them had the strange stubble that was the remnant of a beard shaven only recently. They reeked of sweaty man-bodies, after all, all that "guarding" sure did wear them out.

One of the guards had led Osiris to his room. It didn't seem much like a room, however. There was blood smeared on the walls and around his cot. It smelled of rancid meat, strangely, as there was no sign of food anywhere on the floor. The ceiling seemed to almost collapse under the immense weight of the prisoners above it.

"Now," said the guard. "I will only tell you this once. You will stay in this room for several days. We will not feed you, bathe you or provide for you in any way. After this time is up, you will wake to a bell. That is the meal bell. Only then, will you finally eat anything." The guard walked out of the room and slammed the door closed. Osiris heard him lock it on the way out.

"Alright, several days...I can do that. After that...I can find Arnold. Yeah...yeah I can find him."

His mind was still in a dazed, confused state. “An asylum? Why?” he thought to himself. “I...I am not a crazy person...” His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an alarming bell. Breakfast time.

Osiris slowly arched his way out of his tiny cot. He was sharing a room with two other people. Their beds were empty, though. Must be already there, he thought. He tried putting on his pale beige outfit, but they felt as if they weighed over nine-thousand pounds. Tardily, he left the room.

The halls were filled with other “convicts”, as they were referred to. Some of them were too tall for the low roof, having to crouch a bit to get on by. Other people looked starved and restless, as though they couldn't sleep. Albeit, that was a common problem here. Osiris tried not to mind them and looked deliriously for his brother. The boy couldn't find Arnold over the sea of beige.

“Meh...” he said to himself. “He's probably in the eating area.” Osiris walked uniformly with the rest of the boys. There were no females in the asylum; they were taken to another unknown structure. Finally, the prisoners were in the cafeteria. It did not look like what they imagined.

Unlike the rest of the building, the eating area looked spectacular. Pure white walls, with several chandeliers. Chimecho hung from the ceiling, softly singing. Tables were arranged neatly, seemingly large and round. The rug was soft and red. In a prison like this, this seemed like heaven! Heck, it was surely too good to be true.

Osiris liked the new arrangement he saw. He especially enjoyed the sight of the Chimecho. If you were a prisoner in the asylum, then you weren't allowed Pokemon. They were taken away from you, no matter the reason. It almost seemed like the people did not want people to even acknowledge the mere existence of the creatures. Thus, this made Osiris wonder. Why would they have Pokemon in here when they insist they aren't anywhere near them?

The boys were led along by the guards nearby. Each was given a designated seat. Still no sight of Arnold. Osiris began to worry, until a guard issued him his place. He was given a spot near a window. He was to eat here everyday. At least I got a nice spot, he reflected. He didn't think of his brother that moment. All he did was look out the window. It was softly snowing outside. The glass was beginning to frost over.

All of a sudden, he saw a figure move in the snow. What could that be? He saw it nudge closer and closer to the window. At last, the figure came close enough to the window for Osiris to see clearly. It was definitely a Pokemon. The creature had a triangular shape. Its eyes glowed a radiant blue, with shimmering teeth brighter than the snow itself.

“Snorunt...?” said the Pokemon. Osiris jumped back in his seat a bit. He was surprised he could hear the voice of the little being through the glass. Telepathy, maybe? He didn't know, and quite frankly, he didn't care. He loved to see such a rare Pokemon appear so close to him. Oh, how he wanted to open the window, even just a bit! Osiris looked around, making sure no one was looking. Slowly, he reached for the handle.

“Ozzy!” Osiris froze from the sudden voice. “Ozzy! What are you doing?” He looked over from whence the voice came. It was Arnold, surprisingly.

“Arnold?! I found you!” Osiris leaped up to hug his brother. “I've been looking for you since...since...since forever ago!” He gave a weak laugh as Arnold motioned him to sit down again.

“Heh, I've been looking for you, too, little brother. Lucky we got stationed at the same table, hey?” Arnold seemed happy. Yet, there was something odd about his appearance. His eyes seemed lifeless, cold. His usually flamboyant red hair was flat and dull, compared to Osiris' jet-black curls. “What were you doing just now?”

Osiris suddenly jerked his head to the window. The Snorunt was gone. “Hm...well, Arnold, I saw a Snorunt outside! I was going to open the window to-”

“Wait, Ozzy, wait! How can you expect me to believe you? You heard the doctors, and the guards, and the veteran inmates! There are no Pokemon here!” Osiris pointed at the Chimecho on the ceiling. “Well, no wild ones, at least...”

“Besides, Osiris...” Arnold seemed more serious now. His face grew a much darker, more resenting look. “Even if you had saw a Snorunt, if would've looked like you were trying to escape. You do know what would have happened if a guard had seen you try to open that window! You would be sent to...” His voice trailed off.

“ who, Arnold?” Osiris was a bit worried now. He was cursing himself in his head for asking the question.

“To the Doctor, Osiris. You would be sent to the Doctor.” Osiris stiffened up. He had only heard of the Doctor from a few older inmates. Apparently, if you were deemed “too crazy for this ward” or you had showed any signs of retaliation (such as escape), you would be sent to the Doctor. He would “operate” on you, to make sure those “bad things” in your head would be no more. Of course, no one ever saw the people who had these operations return. Yet, no one was quite certain if they even wanted to see the people return. All the screams they apparently heard from the lower levels...they could not imagine the horror that was going on.

“But...but Arnold. I did see one! I did...” Osiris began to tear up. He knew he couldn't cry, though. That would make him weaker than he already was.

Arnold didn't have time to respond. Their food had arrived. Dark brown soup with a moldy bun. For such an exquisite dining hall, this gruel did not meet the expectations. Osiris tried not to look at his brother as he ate the disgusting soup and bread. Instead his eyes were fixated outside. He was waiting. Waiting for that creature to come back.

Arnold also peered out the window. He missed his Poliwag. He missed the touch of its slimy skin, although that seemed odd to most. They took it away from him on the way to the asylum. It was horrendous. He had no idea where it was.

He continued to look on. 'Wait, what was that?', he pondered to himself. He saw a small shadow move across the white field. It was in a cage, but the snow made it hard to see what it was. There were more shapes, too. They all seemed to be moving. Osiris picked up on this too. The brothers looked through the window, seeing the small shapes slowly drudge along.

"Wait...wait, that's Poliwag!" Arnold stood up and pressed his body against the cold glass. Indeed, it was Poliwag. There was several other Pokemon moving about in their captivity. "So...that's what they do? They take away a person's Pokemon, a person's friends, and keep them in a big cage? In the middle of winter?" Arnold was starting to be in tears. "This...this is terrible!"

Osiris was about to stand up, to try and calm him down. But, he was too late. The guards noticed him crying, and quite honestly, they had no pity for prisoners.

"Boy, don't you cry. You are quite...loud. Keep crying, and we'll have to send you to the Doc, ya' hear?" one of the men glared at Arnold. His emotionless face soon turned into a smirk at the sight of the sobbing teen.

"I...hic...I understand, sir. Won't happen again..." Arnold sat back down. He looked so ashamed of himself. The guards walked away with expressions of pride all over their faces. Osiris felt so sorry for his older brother. This place made them break down, but they weren't even allowed to be the person that they were forced to be.

Mealtimes were the only time the brothers could see each other. After eating, the boys in the asylum had to be taken back into their rooms until the next meal. No fun. No speaking. Just silence.

After that whole escapade, Osiris noticed changes in Arnold. He wasn't buoyant and bouncy like his regular self. Sometimes, he wouldn't even look at Osiris as they ate. He would just gaze out the window, endlessly, as though somehow, just somehow, he could flee this place with his Poliwag.

Other times, Osiris heard his brother mumble strange things. He heard Arnold murmur about strange things he had dreamed of. Things from Poliwag turning to dust, to the asylum just exploding for no apparent reason. Osiris was worried. Maybe he truly was becoming crazy. Maybe, the asylum wasn't meant for the mad, but was for the normal to turn mad.

About two weeks later, Arnold was sent to the Doctor. Osiris looked on as his brother was ripped away from the table. Arnold struggled as they violently removed him from his seat. He thrashed about with his arms and legs, breaking the chair he was just in and destroying a few porcelain plates in the stand nearby. The other boys in the meal hall stared as the teenage boy fought against the massive men. The Chimecho above stopped their singing. They didn't seem frightened or startled, but as if they had been waiting for something like this to happen all along.

Osiris was confused and scared. Why was this happening? He couldn't be separated from the last person who truly cared for him! As he was dragged away, Osiris could hear his brother say those meaningful words that he could never forget.

“There are Pokemon, Ozzy! There are! They will always care for you, even if it seems like there is no one left!” Osiris leaned back into his chair and cried. He felt so down, so depressed that he wanted to go with his brother. He wanted to be sent to the Doctor, too, just so he could be with the last of his family.

All of a sudden, he just stopped sobbing. He thought of the Snorunt. Just randomly, it seemed. The image of its triangular shape alluded his mind. For some reason, that Pokemon was all he could think about. 'There are Pokemon, Ozzy!' he could remember Arnold say. 'There are!'

Quickly, Osiris turned his attention to the window. Again, there was the Snorunt. Again, he reached for the window handle. He was almost hypnotized; he didn't know what he was doing. All he cared about at that moment was the one thing that probably showed interest in him.

Swiftly, he opened the window. A loud squeak shot through the dining hall. No one paid much attention, however, as only a few quick glances shot in his direction. Osiris reached out for the Pokemon. He grabbed the Snorunt, yet it was so cold. His hands were instantly numb.

“Come on, Snorunt! Jump in here!” The little prism immediately jumped into the room and onto Osiris' lap. “Ack! You're cold!” he silently exclaimed. He looked around for anyone watching him. “Get under the table!”

Snorunt jumped down between the table structures and Osiris' legs. It stayed there until it was time to go.

“Get in this bag, little guy...” Osiris grabbed a small potato sack hanging in the nearby closet. The Ice Pokemon shot in, trying not to grab attention. Unfortunately, they were spotted. A guard ran towards the two.

“You there, boy! Wild Pokemon are not allowed in the asylum!” He lifted Osiris from the floor. “I believe it is time for the Doctor to give you a check up...” Osiris tried to scream, but the man cupped his mouth, thus making it impossible for noise to leave his lips. “Men, take care of whatever cretin is inside that sack.”

Osiris looked on as several guards went towards the sack. The last thing he saw were the men opening the bag to see what creature lied within.

Osiris was directly taken to the Doctor's office. The guard whom was carrying him did not even bother to knock, the Doctor seemed to be expecting him. Heck, he was expecting anyone.

“Who is it we have here?” asked the Doctor. His voice was harsh and high. He sounded like a horsefly drowning in a pond.

“This little boy had tried to sneak in a wild deformity!” stated the guard harshly as he
shoved Osiris into the blood-stained operating chair.

He looked around the room. It was relatively small, with only two doors. One leading from the hall, and the other leading outside. Outside! Oh, if only he could just leap out of the chair and through that door. But, there were more shocking things in this little “office."

Various objects lined the walls. They did not look like the standard doctor tools that Osiris had seen on his routine check ups in his town. No, these seemed more like torture devices. Was that a hacksaw? Why would a doctor need a hacksaw?

Osiris then remembered that this was no ordinary doctor. He was the Doctor. Of course he couldn't be a real doctor. Suddenly, his reflections came to a halt as he heard the door slam. The guard had left. The only people in the room were the boy and the Doctor, although he was unsure if this man was even human at all.

The Doctor said nothing. He looked queerly at Osiris, almost as if he were examining a cow that was being sold by a farmer. Slowly, he went over to his wall of death instruments. Machete? No, too sharp. Hacksaw? Not sharp enough. It was like he was choosing which candy would be best for the boy.

All of a sudden, loud noises were coming from the hallway. The door was pulverized with a strong blow. Thick splinters shot everywhere. Luckily, they had missed Osiris, instead knocking down several tools on the shelves. Osiris tensed his body. The Doctor was pushed up against the wall as something lurched outwards. It was Arnold's Poliwag! That was why Arnold was taken away, he thought. He found his Pokemon the same way Osiris found the Snorunt. But, the Poliwag didn't seem to notice Osiris. It was attacking the Doctor. Its tail kept smacking the cretin. Poliwag was enraged. Something hit Osiris in the head and landed in his hands. He could feel that it was round. He didn't have time to look as another shape lifted him off the chair and carried him out the door. The door that led to freedom.

Osiris gazed down at what had saved him. It was Snorunt! It really did care about him! He felt so happy at that moment. He looked backward slightly. Poliwag was trudging on behind them, its small body covered with sweat. Was it sweat? Osiris couldn't tell from his angle.

Then he heard the sound of bullets.

Osiris looked back towards the shadow of the building. Men were running out, equipped with state-of-the-art rifles. Bang! Bang! They shot almost in unison at them. He tightened up, almost falling unconscious from the fear that was overtaking him. He was already feeling terrified from the experience just moments ago. Now there were guns?

“Urk...Snorunt! I can't...I can't move! I'm too weak right now, Sno-” He was interrupted by the sound of a bullet next to his ear. “Ah! Snorunt, we gotta move!”

“Snorunt!” it replied. It knew it had to run. And so it did. Poliwag also heard what Osiris had said. It tucked its tail in as it rolled after them. It seemed as though the small Pokemon were as fast as a Rapidash in this snow. Osiris looked back. No guards.

“Hah! We're free, Snorunt!” Osiris yelled as he lumbered off of his new friend.

“Snorunt! Sno...” Snorunt seemed weak. It fell face first into the snow. Only then did Osiris notice that the Pokemon had been shot.

“Oh no! No! You can't leave me like this!” Osiris began to tear up again. Poliwag, although just meeting Snorunt, felt the familiar sadness. They couldn't bear to lose another one close to them. “No...”

Osiris felt like he had no options. Until he looked at what he was holding.

“A...a Heal Ball?!” So this had been what had landed on him! Oh, what luck for that to be in the Doctor's office! “Don't worry Snorunt! I'm...gonna return the favor!” He dropped the Heal Ball onto the badly injured Pokemon. This was the only way to heal it.

Osiris watched as Snorunt was sucked into the vortex of the ball. Please! He thought. Please!

Last edited by Flammenwerfer; 06-18-2010 at 06:25 PM.
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Old 06-08-2010, 04:11 AM
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Default Re: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness


EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.
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Old 06-18-2010, 04:47 AM
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Default Re: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness


Introduction: This is actually one of the stronger introductions in awhile. And I’m not just saying that because it involved an asylum, baha. You gave me a glimpse of your character—his past, his present, his future. You oriented the reader within the story, and made ‘em want to stay there without abusing the oft-overused battle hook. You also managed to give me large amounts of background info without making me roll my eyes and skip six paragraphs. The incorporation of information was balanced very nicely with the furtherment of story, as it were. You made it relevant to both Osiris’ current situation and his characterization, which doesn’t happen a lot. SO GOOD JOB.

Plot: Here, we come to a bit of a stand-still. While you certainly had a more innovative plot than a lot of writers, you didn’t really write that plot to its full capacity. Told from the perspective of Osiris, who doesn’t really know what’s going on, the plot’s main strength is the mystery and horror behind his surroundings. Take advantage of ‘em. Maybe Arnold can overhear a creepy conversation about what happens to people who go to the doctor, or hear guards talking about Pokémon in a way that illuminates some of what’s going on around the asylum. Taking some time to explain, or even half-explain, some of your concepts could really help.

There was some confusion as to how long Osiris has been in the asylum. Sometimes, it seems like he is walking through for the first time—others, he knows exactly what’s going on. If this were consistent, it wouldn’t be a concern. As-is, he knows what the breakfast bell is, but he seems to experience encounters with Arnold, and the sight of the Chimecho for the first time. Osiris has been in the asylum for awhile—and yet, Arnold just showed up at the same table as him? Where was he during that time? Why hasn’t he told Osiris about it? Why isn’t Osiris wondering about it? And why does he seem so surprised by something I assume he’s supped in multiple times? Arnold’s abduction felt abrupt and out of place. Incorporating details like this’ll strengthen the overall plot, and make the previous elements more sensible.

Grammar: Nice job. You were pretty much clean here.

Should be “office.” Punctuation in front of quotation marks. Same goes for three or so other instances in which you quoted individual words.

I'm too weak right now, Sno-” he was interrupted by the sound of a bullet next to his ear.
That sentence isn’t a dialogue tag, so “he” should be capitalized.

You sometimes get a tiny bit chunky. It’s a stylistic choice, and doesn’t usually detract from the story at most points. It tends to suit the feel of the story you’re writing, in most places. Watch out for short sentences, single-clause sentences with identical starting words and grammatical construction, though, unless you make ‘em deliberately. They can bog down the writing in places. I didn’t catch a lot of oopsies like this, but your style has the potential to make it a problem.

Details: I was actually impressed by your detail, in a lot of ways. It fit the piece really well: lightcore but disturbing. You chose images well—crusty clothing, odd walls, et cetera. I would’ve liked to see your disturbing details applied to different aspects, though, other than just the surroundings and certain key objects. People can be brilliant descriptive devices in situations like asylums—as can smells. You have a strong grasp on objects and actions, and look like you’d be able to pretty easily carry that over. Talk about the faces of the guards, the faces of the prisoners… show their despair, or the madness that’s creeping into their eyes…. Or something. XD And consider the senses other than sight, when it comes to atmosphere—taste, smell, touch, et cetera. Does the asylum smell medical? Herby? LIKE DRIED BLOOD?

All that said, there are instances where more deliberation is necessary. This “slower feel” is best achieved through detail. The main thing that made me go “whoa, wait a second” was the scene where Arnold was abducted. Even though it starts off the climax of the story, and as such should have a certain oomph and shock to it, it seemed too abrupt. It happened, Osiris freaked out, and everything exploded. I wanted to get a chance to see Osiris’ thought processes, though. While I can understand why he freaked out, I wanted you to slow down, make the image of Arnold getting dragged away as disturbing as possible, and show more clearly the turbulence in Osiris’ thoughts and reactions. Not only this—a buildup of tension prior to that point would’ve made it doubly effective. Take moments to describe odd things, or make Osiris worry about Arnold’s haggard appearance and skittish actions, maybe. Then, when Osiris’ fears come to fruition, use your description talents to show us just why he’s so freaked out.

All of the surrounding scenes were actually strong when it came to detail. You could’ve used ‘em to smooth out some of the weaknesses in that single scene, though. Look for opportunities to build up to the concluding events, and use them by considering some of the things I mentioned, and doing your own thing.

Was that a hacksaw? Why would a doctor need a hacksaw?
I heard your voice in my head, reading bad Ash x Oak fanfiction and squawking indignantly, as I read this line. Just thought you should know that.

Erm. Anyway.

There wasn’t really a “battle,” per se. There was a pretty darn intense fight-‘n-flight scene, though. As far as actions and interactions go, you were, as usual, strong. There were a few descriptive instances in which you fell short—all of which were, again, moments where descriptive techniques other than “sight” would’ve been useful. The moment where Osiris dashes to freedom was nicely done with its hectic feel, but also could’ve used some elaboration. Slow down to show Osiris running for his life, and to say not just “Osiris heard the sound of bullets”—show what they sound like, how loud and ferocious they are. Maybe Osiris wants to clap his hands over his ears and can’t because of his passenger; maybe he sees them splinter into the wall in front of him, and has this moment of AGH THAT COULDA BEEN MY HEAD. Something—anything, really—in places like that, where you have scary happenstances, could add to the success of the scene as a “battle” by ratcheting up the tension and the fright.

So, basically, the “fight scene” was good. Could’ve been more intense with some heavier description in places—not too much, though, or it’d get slow. That balance is up to you to find.

Length: It passed the minimum point, but probably should’ve been longer.

Verdict: Snorunt captured; Poliwag not. Your downfall was the “rushing” detail habit that made the plot a bit fuzzy. I’d like to see you slow down a bit, particularly when it comes to the “transition” areas of your story—those are naturally slow, so take advantage of it to flesh things out. Show me how the characters got there, what they’re thinking, what they see. Don’t just zip past everything, even in the chaotic moments. I want to fully see the elements you’re trying to portray, not glimpse ‘em out of the corner of my eye. On another note, I really wanna see some more writing from you. Your writing foundation is freakishly promising in a lot of areas—given some practice, I could see GREAT THINGS ‘n whatnot.

EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 06-18-2010 at 04:54 AM.
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness

Okay, regrading. You would've gotten the Snorunt alone no problem; I just wanted to see some more clarity, most easily worked in through a bit more exposition. You did that, and did it pretty well. I often say, "Elaborate a bit more," and get massive chunks of out-of-place text. No massive chunks of out-of-place text from you. You kept a really good balance, adding some things that made the story make more sense, and giving me a better idea of Osiris' emotions. KUDOS.

You didn't rectify all of the errors with the "word". that should have been "word." You know that it's wrong, now, though, so just watch out for that in the future. A few of the sentences you added had comma floopsies, but I'm not going to harp on those atm, since this is your first story (iirc). IF YOU POST SOMETHING LATER, THOUGH, JUST YOU WAIT. YOU GET COMMA INSTRUCTION.

At any rate, it was the plot clarity I was concerned with in this instance, and you fixed that up awesomely. So Poliwag captured.

EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 06-18-2010 at 06:43 PM.
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