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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 06-25-2010, 07:23 PM
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Default King Karp!! (READY TO BE GRADED)

This is my first story ever :D Go easy on me

King Karp

“Cacaw,” the wild bird Pokémon chirped as the sun was rising. Jesse had usually woke up to the sound of by these birds, but not this morning. Jesse was fourteen years old, he was short for his age, had blonde hair, always wore a pair of jean shorts, and has his favorite shirt with a pokeball logo.

Jesse had hardly gotten any sleep the night before, because he had known that his would be the day that he would be catching his first Pokémon. He had bought a couple Pokémon from his local Pokémart but has never experienced the joy of actually catching his own Pokémon. As Jesse was leaving his room he grabbed his brand new Bag stocked with Potions, Repels, and Pokeballs.

Jesse was on the way out of his house when his mom yelled “Don’t forget your Pokémon!”

Jesse laughed and then quickly ran upstairs to grab his Pokémon. When he got back down stairs he was ready to leave. When he got outside the town was filled with people, he knew all the of the main trainer spots where going to be packed with trainers.

Jesse grabbed his bike and his fishing rod and was off to route 218. He knew that not a lot of people would be there so he that’s where he would be going. Before he went to the route, he stopped by the Pokémart and grabbed some fishing bait, after buying the bait he left to route 218.

When he got there he set his bike down, and began to set up his line. He looked into the water and he saw many different Pokémon swimming, he saw Magickarp, Tentacools, and Tentacruels, and many more. A couple of the local fishermen where out fishing, they had caught a couple of Magikarp and Tentacools, but nothing worth keeping to them. Jesse on the other hand would be happy to even catch a Magikarp, which was what he was going for.

Jesse finished his set up and casted out. A couple of minutes later Jesse had a bite. He felt the heavy tug of his line; He pulled up and started reeling in. His poll was bending in the shape of an arch, Jesse small 14 year old body couldn’t handle whatever was on the end of that line. One of the fishermen around during the time of this came up behind Jesse, and started to help him pull the fish up.

When the line was fully reeled in, nothing was on it, not even his hook. Jesse’s line had snapped, whatever he had has must have been something big. This had meant that he would have to waste more of his day to go back to the Pokémart, and but a new hook, because he wasn’t prepared for his line to break.

Jesse grabbed his bike and rod, and rode off to the Pokémart.

When he got to the mart, he heard a couple of the local people in his town talking about how the other day one of the fisherman had caught, a Gyarados. Then they began to talk about the legendary red Gyarados at Lake Rage and how someone had finally caught it.

This inspired Jesse to never give up and go back to route 218 to catch one of those Magikarps.

When Jesse got back it was getting dark, he had gotten caught
up in the stories everyone was telling at the Pokémart. Jesse knew he had to get something today.

Jesse set up his line than casted out again. Jesse sat their impatient as he waited for his line to get a bite. While waiting to get a bit it took what seemed like hours for him to even come close to a bite. Jesse reeled in his line and noticed the piece of bait that he had used was gone, so he put a new piece on and casted out again.

Suddenly Jesse felt a light tug of his rod, he jerked his rod up and started to reel in. His rod had a slight bend in it, but it wasn’t anything drastic, could this be the Magikarp he had been wanting?!?!

When the line was up he saw the great red fish, Jesse had gotten a Magikarp!

Jesse quickly pulled out his bag and grabbed his Pokémon and pokeball.

“Go Shinx!” Jesse shouts as he called out his Pokémon. The red light suddenly came out as the ball opened, and there it was, Jesse’s Shinx.

“Use Thunder Fang!” Jesse screeched with excitement.

The Magikarp lying on the doc was splashing about continually. This Magikarp wasn’t very smart, it had a couple of chances to splash back into the water, but instead just kept moving to different spots on the doc. Shinx continually chased Magikarp around the doc trying to get a Thunder Fang to hit it. Finally after about 10 minutes of this, Shinx landed a hit.

Magikarp, than tried to tackle Shinx after getting hit by the Thunder Fang, but Magikarp was having trouble moving, It had seemed that Magikarp was paralyzed.

Than Jesse took one of his Pokeballs, and tossed it at Magikarp, the red beam swallowed Magikarp, and the ball began to shake rapidly.

Characters (no spaces) -3694
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Last edited by JokesterJesse; 06-25-2010 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 06-26-2010, 11:12 PM
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Default Re: King Karp!! (READY TO BE GRADED)

Introduction/Story/Plot: Common plot for a first story, but unless you plan to add a complex storyline, don’t use the ‘kid starts his journey’ plot for your next story ^^; Try to introduce the characters better. I don’t really know anything about him, except for the fact that he wants to catch a Pokemon. Always try and give information on the character because we will be able to relate to them better.

I like how you told us about what he was doing, the things he was buying and how he was preparing. Others who write stories with this plot usually skip that part but I liked that you included it.

I didn’t know you could buy Pokemon from a PokeMart. It’s a story, I know anything is possible but that just seemed a little weird to me. Maybe you could have said he got them as gifts or something. It’s your first story so I guess its ok, just try to come up with some creative plots for your next story. Maybe take a real-life experience and add Pokemon in it? Just a tip! ^^;

Grammar/Spelling: I don’t think you had any major mistakes that are worth correcting, but I would recommend that you proofread thoroughly. MS Word and most word editing programs only catch out spelling and grammar mistakes. Proofread it yourself twice. Make sure everything makes sense and if your not sure if it does, say the sentence out loud or even ask a friend or older family member to help you ^^;

A few times I noticed you used ‘their’ instead of ‘they’re’ or ‘there’. ‘Their’ is when it’s owned by someone or something. ‘They’re’ is short for ‘they are’ and ‘there’ is when you say something for example, ‘there is nothing wrong with being bad a spelling.’ Just watch out for things like that.

Length: Just right for a Magikarp, I’d say. Try to give more information and background on the main character, it will add some length. ^^;

Description/Detail: For a Magikarp there’s enough description and detail. But if you plan to go for higher Pokemon, I have some tips.

Describe the scenery and the location. Tell us, were there any flowers? Was it snowing? Was his house purple? Was it a cardboard box? Was the water clean? These are questions that a reader might have and if that reader had those questions, how would he know? Provide all the detail you can and ask yourself unnecessary questions to see what kind of description you can add. It will make your way of description seem different and I’m sure readers will like it ^^;

Someone I would of liked to know more about was Jesse. You gave us some brief description about his blonde hair and clothes. Like I said, ask the unnecessary questions again to see what you can add. Some examples would be, is he skinny or fat? Is his hair curly? Does he have a big nose? Does he have gold eyes? Does he wear shoes?

When describing, try to make it flow and don’t bunch it all up into one paragraph. The reader may think it’s too stuffy and when they read on there’s a chance if they try to remember something of it they’ll just think of the whole chunk of detail and not what they want to remember. Let’s say you wanted to describe Jesse’s eyes, if he was crying you could say something like; ‘As the tears flooded down his face of disappointment, his blue eyes were like two crystal pools of blue.’

And last, the Pokemon. I know most people know what the Pokemon look like, but lets say someone who has no idea what a Shinx looks like, how are they going to know? They might assume it looks like a Sphinx but adding little details like that can go a long way.

Battle: There wasn’t much of a battle but hey, it’s a Magikarp!

You could have added in maybe something to do with the water, get the surroundings involved as it makes things more interesting. Maybe Magikarp dodged Shinx and Shinx fell in the water? Get creative and think of all the possibilities in a battle. Just for your next story, try to make the battle two-sided and interesting.

Capture: I don’t know why, but extra points for using the word swallow, it’s a cool word IMO :3 xD Magikarp captured! Well done just remember to proofread, get creative and ask unnecessary questions! ^^;

Hope the grades okay, just trying to help and excuse me if I made any mistakes I haven't graded in years xD (more like 8 months)

Hatch: 806
Charmeleon: 839
Charizard: 899
Level100: 1091

Last edited by Limelight; 06-27-2010 at 12:35 AM.
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