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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 08-28-2010, 02:59 AM
Xera Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: In Your Closet
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Default Early Morning Adventure [ready for grading...]

Notes: My first ever URPG story, one of my first stories, period. Alec is my Vulpix, and Sunshine is what I’ll call the Igglybuff if I get it. And I do realize the titles a fail... I can't come up with titles... Oh, and I'm open to suggestions from anyone, in fact they're appreciated, as I'd like to improve my writing.
Trying For: Igglybuff
Difficulty: Simple (5k-10k)
Characters (with spaces): 8, 810
Characters (without spaces): 7, 137


****

I sat there on my bed, thinking about everything and nothing at once. I was having trouble sleeping again tonight. It was 3:34 AM my alarm clock said. “I really gotta get some sleep…” I mumbled to myself. I got up to go to the washroom and fix my hair. Hum… A walk always seems to help calm me down… Maybe I’ll go. I thought to myself. I walked down the stairs to the kitchen, turned on the light but quickly turned it back off… It’s so bright… Where’s that bloody flashlight? I felt around for a flashlight, eventually finding one. I turned it on, and pointed it in front of me. I walked down the hallway, looked down and around for my shoes, finding my Vans and slipping them on. I opened the front door trying to not make a sound, and slipped outside.

I started walking on the gravel of the driveway when I heard the sound of something… Or could it be someone? I shone the flashlight towards the bushes, following the line of the bushes looking for what it was. After a while, I gave up and continued walking. I came up to the dirt road we lived on. I shone the flashlight both ways, trying to decide which way would be the best to go. I decided to go to the right, up towards the end of the road, and near the hiking-trail. I walked for maybe 3 minutes then heard it again, another thing shuffling around in the bushes. What’s that this time? I decided to follow it since the bushes weren’t very thick where I was, plus it might be fun. I walked down into the ditch, and saw two red eyes glowing where my flashlight shone. “Hey!” I shouted out, seeing if the thing would run or approach me. It just stood there, and stared. Its eyes showed worry. I started to walk up the other side of the ditch, approaching the creature. It took a step back. I slipped on the mud and fell. “Crap…” I looked down and tried to wipe the mud off my pajamas. “Fun, mum won’t be to happy… And probably will yell at me for walking at 4 AM again…” I got back up and walked the up, this time being more careful. I walked up to the bush, and surveyed the area with my flashlight. I saw a flash of something pink. I assumed it was whatever I saw earlier, and it seemed to be pretty small, so, I didn’t think it to be of much danger. I pulled out my only full Pokeball, being my starter, Alec the Vulpix, and sent him out to walk beside me. Maybe the thing would be calmer if there was another Pokemon around? I said in a low voice, squatting down, “Hey Alec,” He looked up. “Go and see what that was…” I gave Alec a pat on the head. Alec ran up ahead, and made a weird cry, it worried me. I started to walk a little faster, trying to catch up to Alec, and whatever the other thing was, when I tripped over a branch. God, I’m such a klutz… Mud, and now a branch? Come on… Then I remembered what I was doing. “Alec!” I said worried where he was. He hadn’t come back. I quickly got up, stepped over the branch I just tripped over, and shone the flashlight around frantically searching for Alec. “Alec. Alec!” I shouted. I heard someone say something, but couldn’t make out what it was. I walked towards the voice… Well, voices I now realized. What sounded to be a girl and a guy. I could see a light and worried that there might be something going on I don’t want to get, I shut off the flashlight. Now I was just by moonlight and the faint light that I was walking towards.

“Get over here!” I could hear a male voice say. “There’s 2… Pokemon over here!”

“Just a sec, I think I saw something over there.” The female voice said. I ducked down to try and avoid being spotted.

“Hurry up!” The male voice said aggressively.

“Fine…” The female said, as she turned around. I stood back up, feeling like a Ninja. Super Ninja Desy! I thought to myself, trying to keep from giggling. I ran over behind a tree where I could see the 2 people. They were holding two Pokeballs. Alec and what I could now see what was a Igglybuff were standing in front of the 2 people, their backs to me.

“Alec!” I shouted, which I soon realised was a mistake. So much for Super Ninja Desy, more like Fail Ninja…

“Who’s there?!” The male shouted, spinning around. Alec’s head instantly snapped up to attention, He looked for me, but I had a half-decent hiding place. Alec looked around some more then turned to the Igglybuff. I looked down at my watch. Crap… It’s already 4:30? I need to get Vulpix back… And like now. I looked back up at Alec and the Igglybuff. Alec gave the Igglybuff a nudge with its nose. They must be communicating… It’s then that I realized Igglybuff had a scratch along its side, jagged and bloody. Aww, the poor Igglybuff… I wonder if it’s friendly enough that I could bring it to the PokeCenter…
“Huh? Who’s there? Show yourself!” The female said. I decided that maybe I could get Alec back, and hopefully help that poor Igglybuff, quicker if I was able to tell Alec what to do. I stepped out from the tree.

“Who are you?” I said. No reply. “Alec, get over here!” Alec trotted to my side, the Igglybuff oddly following it. The 2 people were in darkness, so I couldn’t see who they were, even if they had actual Pokemon, mind you I saw the Pokeballs earlier so I’m guessing they might.
“Go! Butterfree!” The male called out. Well, that confirms my guess of them having Pokemon… The male stepped forward into the light, and I could now see that he was around the age of 25, and seemed to be bad… Looks like I’m going to have to battle him.

“Hey Alec, ya wanna go fight him?!” Alec went running out into the light, towards the Butterfree, sending up some dust behind him.

“Butterfree! Use Gust!” Butterfree sent a gust of wind swirling towards Alec.

“Alec! Flamethrower on Butterfree! As hard as you can!” Alec sent a line of flames towards the Butterfree. Butterfree tried to avoid the flames but, Alec was too quick for it.
“Butterfree! Use Confusion!” Butterfree sent a rainbow beam towards Alec and it hit him. Alec stumbled around. Suddenly the Igglybuff hopped out into the light, near where Alec was stumbling around confused. Igglybuff started to sing.

“Igglybuff, Iggly-yy buff, Igglybuff Iggly…” It sang. The Butterfree started to drift off. I put my hands over my ears so I wouldn’t hear the song. Alec also drifted off, along with the 2 people we were battling. When Igglybuff stopped singing, I ran up to Alec and kneeled down beside him.

“Alec!” I said worried. Igglybuff waddled beside me. I gave the Igglybuff a pat on the head. “Hey there little guy.”

“Iggly!” The Igglybuff said while shaking Alec. I pulled out Alec’s Pokeball.

“Alec, return!” I called Alec back. “Hey… I wonder…” Oh. My. God. I just found the solution for my sleeping problem. This cute little pink dude and her cute little song.

“Little dude…” I said to the Igglybuff. I lifted her up onto my lap. I took a look at the scratch and pulled out a Potion and healer from my pocket. “Here ya go…” I grabbed a Pokeball. “Hey sweetie, you want to come home with me?” I took the Pokeball and offered it to the Igglybuff.

“Iggly… Buff?” She said. I think I’ll name her… Sunshine. Her name will be Sunshine. I took the Pokeball and enclosed Igglybuff in it. It shook a little.

Come on my Sunshine, be my friend…
__________________


/\Made by Male Snorunt/\
Male Snorunt x Xera
URPG Battle? AIM XerasShadow, I'm up for a battle any time!

Last edited by Xera; 08-29-2010 at 10:57 PM.
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  #2  
Old 12-07-2010, 05:35 PM
Elrond's Avatar
Elrond Offline
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Default Re: Early Morning Adventure [ready for grading...]

Sorry this took so long. Gosh, I really hope you’re active, or all of the guilt that made me come back and do this finally will have been for naught.

Introduction:

I really liked the first sentence of your story. It was a feeling I could relate to, but it left me wondering what exactly was on the main character’s mind. He later says that a walk “usually calms him down.” These are great lead-ins to character development, but you didn’t follow through. It turns out that he just doesn’t sleep very well. I was a little disappointed with your introduction because it didn’t keep me wanting to read further. I would have liked to learn a little more about who your character is, because he’s rather flat and faceless right now. However, I can see why you might have left that information out. This was a very short story, and you got right into the action. You did work some character development into his thoughts and reactions, but I think you could have made him more unique.

Story/Plot:

It was pretty bare, but not bad for a beginning story. Again, my main complaint is that you didn’t develop things very well. You told me that Igglybuff had a scratch, but I don’t think you said anything about how it got there. You also introduce two more characters, but tell me nothing about them. Why are they outside, and what, if anything, do they have to do with the Igglybuff?

One thing that did make me smile to myself when I read it was your character’s realization that Igglybuff was the solution to his problem. It was a nice resolution to one of the problems I didn’t expect to see solved.

Detail/Description:

This story could definitely have used more detail in a few areas, but I just want to address one problem I noticed:

Quote:
The male stepped forward into the light, and I could now see that he was around the age of 25, and seemed to be bad
“Words like good, bad, pretty, ugly, nice, mean, cute, friendly, old, young, etc., do nothing to help readers fill in the blanks of the picture that’s being presented to them.” – http://kwjwrites.wordpress.com/2008/09/11/vague-words/

That just says it better than I ever could have. “Bad” could mean so many different things. Obviously, you were going for “evil” in this case, but even then, that’s a pretty vague adjective. Using “bad” here is a perfect example of telling rather than showing. Instead of outright telling the reader a character is “bad” or “evil,” describe the character so that your reader will come to that conclusion themselves. For instance, you never told me what the two mysterious people were doing outside. If you had shown them harassing the Igglybuff, I would have come to the conclusion that they are evil, all on my own. That’s what “showing” language is. It allows the reader to infer things about your characters through their actions and words rather than through description by the author.

You could also have described the way the man looked in order to make me form a negative impression of him. For example, if he had beady eyes, a scar on his face, or a haughty stance, I would have disliked him immediately. But because you described very little about the man, I have basically no image of him in my mind.

Grammar/Style:

Consider these five quotes from your story:

Quote:
1. I felt around for a flashlight, eventually finding one.

2. I walked down the hallway, looked down and around for my shoes, finding my Vans and slipping them on.

3. The 2 people were in darkness, so I couldn’t see who they were, even if they had actual Pokemon, mind you I saw the Pokeballs earlier so I’m guessing they might.

4. Well, that confirms my guess of them having Pokemon…

5. Looks like I’m going to have to battle him.
These sentences each have a similar problem, and it has to do with the tense each was written in.

1. The first half of this sentence makes perfect sense, however, the second half magically switches into the present tense. You need to watch out for things like this. By using the participle “finding” here, you imply that the “felt” and “finding” are happening simultaneously. However, the adverb “eventually” makes it seem as though the character was feeling around for a bit before he found the flashlight. Even if you had omitted the “eventually,” common sense would have made it seem the same way. For this sentence to make sense and sound good, it should be edited to:
Quote:
I felt around for a flashlight, and eventually found one.
2. This has pretty much the same issue. “Finding” and “slipping” didn’t happen simultaneously with the “walked” or “looked,” so they need to be in the past tense as well to make sense:
Quote:
I walked down the hallway, looked down and around for my shoes, found my Vans, and slipped them on.
3. Consider the part starting with “mind you…” First of all, your character is directly addressing the reader here, which is generally a bad idea and doesn’t really fit the style of the story. The main problem is the part that says “so I’m guessing they might.” If the character is directly addressing the reader and says “so I’m guessing,” in this case the present tense makes it seem that the character is guessing at the same time as telling the story. But since the story takes place fully in the past, this makes no sense. The correct way to write this (and this entire part of the sentence should really be omitted, in my opinion) is:
Quote:
The 2 people were in darkness, so I couldn’t see who they were, even if they had actual Pokemon, mind you I saw the Pokeballs earlier so I guessed they might.
4. Again, the character is breaking the fourth wall a little, while breaking into the present tense. It seems this sentence was meant to be in your character’s thoughts, so you should have put it in italics to designate that.
5. Basically, same thing as number four.

Don’t sweat this too much; I’m not taking off points (not that I use a point system, but you get my drift).

Also, you should write out numbers that aren’t excessively long. It’s “two people,” not “2 people.”

Length:

7136. Just fine. :)

Battle:

There’s not too much left to say here. I thought it was well done, although a little short, though I can understand this since your character’s goal was just getting Igglybuff out of there instead of actually defeating the Butterfree. This is acceptable because Igglybuff is a Simple mon, but for anything much harder I’d still have expected a longer battle or at least more of a challenge in the way of saving the Pokemon.

Outcome:

Though this had a few problems, it was a fine effort, and certainly enough to warrant a capture. So, at the risk of being repetitive, Igglybuff captured! and all that jazz. Good job, and I hope I haven’t just wasted time grading for a member who will never appear again! (even though it’s probably my fault for not doing this sooner….)
__________________

Quote:
SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:22 PM.
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