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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-08-2010, 07:05 AM
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Default The Bunny Hop [PG-13]



The Bunny Hop [PG-13]


WARNING: This story contains hookers, pimps, vulgar actions, and actions that are illegal. The content of this story does not reflect the views of the author; he just thought it would make a good story.




A starry night with no clouds, no bright city, no police, just and a clear desert with its coolness pressing up against the scorn faces of plateaus nearby. A rundown, sleazy motel festers alone in the desert rocks. Gates surround the premises with a small parking lot on the outside. Sticker signs of naughty words peeled away at the edges as they sat, sandwiched between the glass and closed curtains in almost every window of the building. A big, neon-lit sign swerved across on top the shingles on the roof buzzing annoyingly as bugs pounded against it. The bugs thudding cannoned the banging in the rooms below. The sign read nice and clear for miles so drivers could see it as they approached on the highway; “The Bunny Hop”. A sign that said it all.

To truck drivers driving from one coast to the other, this was a way to relax, let loose, and have a good time without being illegal. Having a happy stop means so much when you’re almost done with another bundle of goods being delivered to California. Nevada was a truck driver’s heavenly dream come true. To other passers-by this was either an opportunity that they could not miss out on, or something to scoff at as they went on their uptight, snobbish, honky-tonk, rich life in Cali.

This low-life motel was actually the center of a well organized, well directed, high income business. It was a building in where men, or rarely women, came to buy out their utmost decollate dreams. This was where ideas poured out in wads of cash, life long goals demolished in seconds of pleasure, waves of insanity and years of stress released, flustering out in one giant act of legal crime. Women profited, men sank in their own pool of shame, and the head honcho, the big linguine, Mr. Boss-Man, the ‘who’s yo daddy’ saint, top dog, top man, top everything of the wanna-be Motel 6, Pimp-Daddy Paris Ivan Merone Pastferd, or Pimp-Daddy Pimp, invested thousands and millions of dollars into his own business. He was the only man leaving that building with a real feeling of relief, or joy, or like he felt like he made the right decision waking up and going there.

He was the man in charge, owner of The Bunny Hop, and owner of all fourteen girls that worked for him. The only problem was that he was paranoid that someone would run off with one of his girls, or rob him, or kill him. He had cameras in every corner in every room of the building. The old receptionist desk was now a bar with three shotguns underneath and the rooms were now… well they were still rooms, but not for sleeping overnight anymore. Only the girls stayed there overnight, each one with their own bedroom. The only rules were: No boys overnight EVER; when Pimp-Daddy Pimp leaves, you don’t ever leave; never cover up a camera; and stay with him forever. Pimp-Daddy Pimp was only ever gone for only two hours at a time anyways. He only left to go into town and pick up groceries and only did this at the slowest time of the day; noon.

Now each of his girls was special in their own way. They had specialties that only they could perform, they had talents that no other regular women could posses, they had incredible blank personalities, and only they could fill up with so much emotion and let it out in one huge gush of unstablized hormonic trip to the bedroom. Since Pimp-Daddy Pimp was so paranoid he was line up his girls whenever they had no customers and name them each by their real fake names. He would go down the line in alphabetic order, and anyone not in order had to feel his enormous, thick wrath as he purged it all over them. He went down the line as so: Big-Mouth Betty, Candyclit, Comm Cookie, Crucible Carly, Déjŕ Woo, Double Debby, Fouke Me Ann Yu, J-Wow, Kuikie, Razzle Dazzle, Scourge, Snookie Bookie, Sweet Hanna Heart, and Tootie Fruity.

Now most of the girls were addicted dangerous halogens like LSD, marijuana, and crack cocaine, but it never stopped one of them from leaving the brothel, getting a real job, and having extraordinary lives, it was Pimp-Daddy Pimp who stopped them. Eventually each one of the girls just pushed that fact out of their mind as they injected more and more drugs into their system. Now in this part of Nevada prostitution was legal, but the drugs weren’t, so whenever the county officials came for their monthly check-up to see if everything met the brothel standards, they had to fake their drugs test, lie to the police, and maybe even had to give a quick free job to keep their prosperous, and hard working jobs.

After a while one of the girls, Scourge, started to not use the drugs as much. She started becoming more and more aware when she stopped being on a high and noticed how the girls around were acting. They were ludicrous, unimaginable, slutty tramps who did drugs to escape common life ailments. Then she rethought it all and thought to herself that they were hookers in a crummy, crusty brothel in the middle of nowhere and sometimes did more drugs, but she started to tire of it all.

So as time went on Scourge became more aware of her surroundings. Before she thought that she only had one Pokémon, Buneary, also known as Slutty-Buns, but in actuality Pimp-Daddy Pimp was enforcing a rule that each ‘professional pleasure-er’ was allowed one Pokémon. She thought it was another law with paranoia behind it. He probably thought if the ladies, or ‘professional pleasure-ers’, got too many Pokémon they could overtake him and his company. Scourge rolled her eyes at the thought.

A few weeks had passed and Scourge had been sober for two days. She was so proud of herself, but she didn’t tell anyone, especially not her best friend, J-Wow, because then Pimp-Daddy Pimp would find out and beat her out of paranoid rage. The only person she could tell wasn’t a person at all. She told Slutty-Buns everything all the time; they had a really great relationship based on trust, privacy, and some kind of love. Scourge was extremely happy to know that the cameras in every room were only for seeing, not hearing so she could say anything she wanted to, to Slutty-Buns. She sat on her floral printed coversheets on her bed that very badly needed to be washed and talked to her loveable bunny Pokémon. “I’m so excited! I’m just so sad that I can tell J-Wow ya know?” Scourge said with a distraught face. Slutty-Buns hopped toward her in a hug as it replied, “bun, bunn…”
“I mean, she’s my best friend-” Scourge paused as she took a serious look at her companion, -human best friend… and this just bothers me like… I don’t know if I told her she could get drunk and just spill it to Pimp-Daddy Pimp, and then he’ll beat me. What should I do Slutty-Buns?” The brown fluff bunny shrugged its shoulders in comply as Scourge looked down and sighed.

Then she heard Pimp-Daddy Pimp yell from down the hall, “Roll call!” Scourge gave a look of ‘oh well’ and hopped out of her bed. She stumbled on her tall pink heels and pulled down on her red-plaid school girl mini skirt. She scowled as she adjusted her white, see-through shirt that choked her bosom. She waved a quick goodbye at her Pokémon as she left her private room. She figured out that there were no customers since Pimp-Daddy Pimp was having a roll call.

She ran up to her spot in line; number eleven, her lucky number. She stood there as their big, fat pimp smiled with his greasy goatee. He had a purposeful limp in his gait and an unnecessary cane. His white and lime green suit screamed money as he walked- actually swaged down the line of hookers. He started naming by memory, “Big-Mouth Betty,” he gave a wink, “Candyclit,” he blew a kiss, “Comm Cookie,” he smirked and shook his head, “Crucible Carly,” he flicked her chin, “Déjŕ Woo,” he said seductively as he continued, “Double Debby,” he said wide-eyed, “Fouke Me Ann Yu,” he felt his own chest, “J-Wow,” he pretended to feel her chest, “Kuikie,” he said quick as a pun, “Razzle Dazzle,” he chuckled as he continued, “Oh, Scourge,” he stopped in front of her, “You are looking lively today. Must be you be getting some color in you, what have you been doing lately?” He smiled passively as he spoke again not letting her retort, “Keep this up, and you’ll be getting a raise. Now on with our honey buns over here… Snookie Bookie, Sweet Hanna Heart, and Tootie Fruity. All right we’re all here, you can go back to your rooms and wait, I’ll be sitting behind the bar counter… watching ackhehehe,” he laughed his gross laugh that sounded like twenty years of smoking and fifteen of them in the ghetto, “I’ll be seeing you ladies later.” The all dispersed as he walked back behind the counter into a small back room with tons of mini-televisions monitoring the rooms, the bar, and the parking lot. Scourge simply went back to her room to lie on her bed. Today was just another slow day.
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Old 06-09-2010, 08:53 AM
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Default Re: The Bunny Hop [PG-13]



The next day around noon Pimp-Daddy Pimp announced that he was going into town to get some groceries and that the girls should behave while he’s gone. Scourge sat quietly in her room playing with some string she had pulled off of one of her revealing skirts. She wasn’t really thinking she was just spacing, blanking out the rest of the world, unaware of her surroundings. This sounded like she was on some kind of drug, but in actuality she wasn’t; she was just no thinking of anything and just focusing on this little piece of thread that kept he busy as she waited for Pimp-Daddy Pimp to come back, then wait a while longer until a customer comes in and orders her to make them feel relaxed and relieve some unneeded stress, then she would be back to waiting. It was a simple life that was just misunderstood by many. People over-exaggerated one the life they had, they judged them, poked fun at them and made up crazed stories of these kind of people just so it could be illegal. The only big rule was stay inside, do what Pimp-Daddy Pimp says, never leave, never complain and you’ll be fine, if you don’t Pimp-Daddy Pimp will beat you until you comply.

Scourge just waited. Then something thumped next to her, but she was too busy not thinking to notice. Then there was a ‘sparcesparcesparce’ quiet, quick, and almost dissipated from Scourge’s mind as well. She snapped out of her hesitant spacey mind and looked down next to her. There was a little yellow-white snake thing with no eyes, a spiral coil tail, and minuet angel wings. It wiggled on the floor as it peeped softly, ‘sparcesparcesparce’. Scourge looked around to find the origin of the little creature. She was puzzled of where it could’ve come from. There was no open door, a closed and locked window, and that was it. Scourge looked around as the Dunsparce wobbled around the floor. Scourge checked the window, locked, she checked the door, locked, and then she searched the floor. She got on her hands and knees and pulled over the covers to her bed and there was the source. There was a hole in the floor about the size of two watermelons underneath her bed.

Scourge looked stunned as the Dunsparce wiggled across the floor still peeping. Scourge smiled and picked up the adorable snake-like Pokémon. “You are such a cutie pie!” She said with eyes a glaze. She hugged the Pokémon back and forth as it continued peeping. “Aw, I could just hug you all day.” She set down the Dunsparce and grabbed a Pokeball from off of her small dresser. She opened it up and a bright light flashed as her Buneary materialized out. “Hey Slutty-Buns, look we have a friend, say ‘hi!’ ” Her Buneary waved and smiled, but then looked astonished and started panicking. Scourge remembered that Pimp-Daddy Pimp only allowed one Pokémon per girl. She thought for a moment then said, “Well how about we find where this little guy came from, huh?” Slutty-Buns looked up at her in thought. “I know,” Scourge said, “Slutty-Buns, you crawl through the hole where Dunsparce came from and tell me where it lead!” Slutty-Buns jumped in glee as it raced down under the bed and dove into the hole.

A half a minute later Scourge heard a ‘tick’ from her window fallowed by a distant ‘bun!’ Scourge peered through the curtains and saw Buneary over outside the gates at the side of the brothel. She was hopping and cheering as she dove back into the hole and inside the room. Scourge smiled and said, “Well Dunsparcy-warcy, you can come and go any time you want okay? Just make sure when you come you don’t come when there’s a big blue truck outside, Pimp-Daddy Pimp drives that truck and if he finds you, you’re dead… and I’ll be dead too… and so will Slutty-Buns, okay?” The Dunsparce nodded and wiggled under the bed and into the hole. Scourge sat on her bed as she started petting Slutty-Buns. She sat for a moment then said, “… Maybe we can use this to our advantage.”

For a long while whenever Pimp-Daddy Pimp would leave, Dunsparce would surface up in Scourge’s room and they would talk and have fun before Pimp-Daddy Pimp came home. They would talk about their lives and what they would do if they weren’t stuck there at the brothel. “I would want to be a waitress at a 50’s joint kind of restaurant ya know?” Scourge said day dreaming of being in California one day. “Or maybe I could be an actress in Hollywood. I could be big and make it to the top. I have what it takes, experienced acting, and good looks. I have to be pretty working at a brothel right? I mean, who would pay for something as dirty as sex with an ugly woman? Sure years of doing crack and other drugs have brought down my complexion… and color… and made me have early wrinkles… but I’m still as pretty as anyone else here. Plus in Hollywood they have all those famous plastic surgeons, maybe I could have Joan Rivers plastic surgeon, or Michael Jackson’s, I mean his plastic surgeon must be looking for work now that he’s dead, right?” Slutty-Buns and the Dunsparce both looked up at her and occasionally nodded, or agreed with a quick yip. “And I would take you guys along with me, I could write a book about my life here and how terrible it was, all the drugs and sex and for what? I’m not rich; I’m not the one collecting the money I’m working hard for… or sometime pretending to work hard for. I should be, this is America land of the free, yet here I am, enslaved to do horrid things with strangers that don’t even know my real name. You want top know what my real name is?” She asked rhetorically, but Dunsparce and Slutty-Buns cocked their heads and went ‘whaaa…?’ anyways. “My real name is Nichole. Nichole Bethany Stewart. One day you’ll see my name up in a big flashy sign in a big city and people will walk by and go ‘hey, I know her’ and people will love me for being me! I just have to figure out a way to get out of this… this hell.”

Scourge sighed and her Pokémon echoed her sigh. She looked sadly over at Slutty-Buns who was reflecting her sadness. Then she glanced at Dunsparce and her eyes widened. “I know!” She said suddenly. She turned and raised her hands and shoulders in question as she spoke in third person, “Know what, Scourge?” She turned the other way with her hands on her hips now as she retorted, “Why not crawl through the hole Dunsparce made to get in here? You’ve been anorexic for months and you’re skinny enough to crawl through that hole to the outside world!” She turned again. “What a brilliant deduction Ms. Lady Scourge!” And again she turned, “Why thank you! Now, I’ll have to do this when Pimp-Daddy Pimp leaves next time. I’ll wait a few minutes after he leaves, then I’ll break for it and hope to catch a ride on the highway before he comes back!” She smiled blissfully as she picked up and hugged her Pokémon. “Oooh, I love you guys.”

A few days later and Scourge had her complete color back. She hadn’t used drugs in a month. Pimp-Daddy Pimp had made his announcement that he was going to leave to go to into town to get more groceries. Scourge sat in her room for what felt like forever. She felt like an eternity passed by as she sat; every time her clock ticked she broke out in another sweat. She swallowed to moisten her dry throat. She waited until she heard the truck’s wheels spin against the gravel road and drive off. Then she sprung into action, she threw off her coversheets and blankets and moved the bed over. Dunsparce popped out of the hole and was peeping for her. Slutty-Buns had gone in before Dunsparce and was ahead already as their look out if Pimp-Daddy Pimp came back. Scourge got on the floor and grabbed a hold of Dunsparce as it turned around. Dunsparce started wiggling through the tunnel as Scourge kicked and they started to go through. Then, just as Scourge was completely in the tunnel someone grabbed her leg and pulled her and Dunsparce out.

It was Pimp-Daddy Pimp. He stood there with Scourge, who was still holding Dunsparce, in one hand and Slutty-Buns by the ears in the other. Scourge screamed, “Slutty-Buns, NO!” as she struggled to get out of his tight grip. Slutty-Buns kicked and thrashed about, but was no match for the giant palm holding onto it. Pimp-Daddy Pimp looked displeased as he said, “You know… I’ve known about your plan for a while and just couldn’t wait to go grocery shopping again. I ever throughout some food just so we were out and I’d have to leave.” Scourge was fixated on his as she was stricken with fear. She asked, “How did you find out?”
“Your good friend J-Wow heard everything you said,” He replied, “about Hollywood, waitressing, plastic surgeons and ratted on you like the good little ***** she is, unlike you. She’s trustworthy and for the past month I’ve noticed you had been acting weird, or got color back, and you weren’t falling all over the place like usual.” He looked down at the Dunsparce and smirked as he said, “And now we have this. Another rule broken, you were trying to overtake me, you were trying to escape, and you were trying to do me wrong, well now you’re going to get it.” He started dragging Scourge out of the diseased room as she started thrashing and screaming.

He pulled her into the main room of the brothel and threw her into the middle of it. He reached at her and grabbed Dunsparce and said, “Give me that damn thing!” Scourge cried out, “NO, please!” but it had no effect on him. He snatched the innocent Pokémon away from her as Dunsparce started peeping louder and louder. He held it up with one hand as he kept a hold on Slutty-Buns in the other. He took a good look at Dunsparce and asked, “What the hell is this thing anyway.” Dunsparce peeped louder ‘sparcesparcesparce’ as it leaned backward and thrusted forward in a Take Down attack. It hit Pimp-Daddy Pimp in the nose and Slutty-Buns used a Jump Kick attack, even though it was already in the air, it just kicked Pimp-Daddy Pimp in the thigh. He fell backwards and hit the floor with an enormous thud as blood started to pool from his unconscious face. His grip on Slutty-Buns and Dunsparce ended as the escaped his giant hands.

Scourge shrieked in surprise of the attack. She quickly leaned forward and hugged the two Pokémon. She kept a hold on them as she stood up and started dashing to the front door. Pimp-Daddy Pimp arose from the floor and whipped the blood away from his face. Scourged kicked the door open as Pimp-Daddy Pimp said, “You think you can escape that easily?” Scourge ignored him as she ran outside and into the sun. She wasn’t used to it, but she quickly got over the blinding desert light. Her heels were keeping her back from running even faster se she kicked them off as she ran barefoot. Pimp-Daddy Pimp ran behind her, slower than her, but still behind her. As Scourge ran she kicked a small rock in the way and fell to the ground. She dropped Dunsparce and Slutty-Buns and she screamed in pain. Three of her five toes on her right foot were broken for sure. In a desperate attempt she started dragging herself away from the hell-hole of a life. Pimp-Daddy Pimp laughed as he got closer. Dunsparce turned around away from Scourge and got up on its lower belly facing Pimp-Daddy Pimp. It screeched at Pimp-Daddy Pimp as waves of sound battered against his ear-drums. He stopped in his tracks and held his hands up to his ears in pain. He yelled out, but couldn’t be heard over the loud screeching sound. Dunsparce stopped screeching as Pimp-Daddy Pimped looked at Dunsparce with pure fury and enraged hate. His ears bled from the attack as she starred at the little angel snake Pokémon. Pimp-Daddy Pimp started running at them again as Dunsparce shot two little red lasers from his eyes and hit Pimp-Daddy Pimp directly on his pupils. Pimp-Daddy Pimp stopped suddenly as he was paralyzed.

The entire time this was going on Slutty-Buns was trying to help Scourge up off the ground. Now that Pimp-Daddy Pimp was incapacitated Dunsparce came over to try and help as well. It got underneath Scourge and started pushing upward. Scourge finally fought through the pain and stood up. She picked up Slutty-Buns and Dunsparce as a guy in a pick-up truck pulled up in front of the gates. The gates automatically opened with the motion detector sensor outside. The man got out and said, “Uh-huh… what’sa happen’n here uh…?” Scourge threw Dunsparce at the guy as Dunsparce used another Take Down attack. He hit the guy in the face as the random stranger fell to the ground unconscious.

Scourge picked up Dunsparce who had picked up the guys keys with its mouth and she got into the truck. Pimp-Daddy Pimp finally moved as he took one limp forward. He knew this was a loss and there was no way he would be able to recover fast enough to get to his truck and track her down. He yelled out as he started crying, “You can’t ever run from me! I know who you are, what you look like, what you’re going to do, and everything! I know everything about you! You’ll always be a Bunny Hop girl, you’ll always belong to be, and you’ll always be a *****!” Scourge put Slutty-Buns and Dunsparce in the passenger seat as said out the open window, “You don’t know my true name, you don’t know the real new me, and I’m not a *****…” She started up the car and revved the engine loudly, “I’m a professional pleaser-er.” Then she put the car in drive and slammed on the accelerator; driving off into the distance toward the city she left a plume of dirt and disgusting hobbies behind her, metaphorically and literally.






Ready For Grading
Pokemon: Buneary and Dunsparce
Characters: 22,880
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Last edited by Zombie Muse; 06-09-2010 at 08:58 AM.
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Old 09-24-2010, 02:18 AM
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Default Re: The Bunny Hop [PG-13]

WOW, I'M ONLY CLAIMING THIS FOUR MONTHS AFTER I SAID I WOULD.

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thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:38 AM
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Default Re: The Bunny Hop [PG-13]

Introduction: My first thought: Oh, God, my eyes, my eyes, WHAT IS THAT COMMA DOING TO THAT SUBJUNCTIVE CLAUSE THAT CANNOT BE SANITARY AND/OR PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE AHHHHHHHH

Second thought, after puzzling over the grammatical construction: Bahaha, that sounds disgusting.

The second reaction is good. The first, not so much. Grammar is something you struggle with throughout the story. If you want the average reader to stick around, you have to be coherent at the beginning; if you want the average reader to come away with a positive impression, you have to be coherent at the end. These are the “pressure points” for grammatical accuracy. If you slip up a few times in the middle, it’s unlikely the reader will notice… but being unintelligible right of the bat is going to do a lot of harm to the overall story.

While your introduction was excellent as far as the story aspect is concerned (strong imagery, bold word choice, nice setting erection, hints at key characters…), the grammatical explosion completely negates all the brilliance, because it was unnecessarily difficult to read. Your grammar isn’t so much the usual occasional mistake that makes things awkward—it’s consistently hard-to-unravel structural awkwardness. Thinking, “Oh, that’s wrong, but I know what they were saying” is completely different than thinking, “WHAT IS THAT THERE FOR?” I’m going to break this down in the grammar section, so you can see what all went on.

Plot: On a theoretical level, the plot is charming. When we get down to the nitty gritty, though, there are a few holes. How exactly did Scourge manage to get sober enough to realize she wanted to be more sober? Where is the withdrawal? Even though this is a tongue-in-cheek piece, drug abuse complications should have been dealt with. Using them could actually have increased the satiric opportunities in this piece. A prostitute going through withdrawal during self-discovery would probably be more entertaining than a prostitute experiencing self-discovery. While, yes, if she were spasming all over the place and sweating like a Hobbit, it’d theoretically thwart the whole “PIMP DADDY DON’T KNOW” thing… he does know… so it doesn’t matter. It would be further illustration of how much of a moron Scourge is (not that you need any more, xD). Her, uh, suffering, I suppose, could add further depth to the character—not that she’s supposed to be particularly deep, but more reader-character experiences never hurt. There’s a lot you could have done with it, really, and it’s not something you should have overlooked. Without the withdrawal symptoms, you leave the reader thinking, “Well, why don’t all the other characters just unaddict themselves?” It’s not overtly relevant to the story’s ultimate arc, but has relevance to the little nuances of continuity and whatnot.

I also wondered where the Dunsparce came from. That one didn’t bug me quite as much. There also seemed to be a bit of a missed opportunity when it came to interaction between Scourge and her fellow prostitutes. You could have mocked the whole situation further, and strengthened a few aspects of her characterization. Although she was deliberately vapid/ignorant with an odd sort of ambition towards learned vapidity, you managed to do a pretty decent job of adding some degree of dimension to the character. That was quite a feat. I would have liked to see more of that occurring. Not necessary, but could have spiced things up further.

At any rate, barring the one big thing and all its accomplices, you have an oddly endearing plot. It was surprisingly well handled, considering the subject matter. Nice job.

Grammar:
Spoiler:
Quote:
A starry night with no clouds, no bright city, no police, just and a clear desert with its coolness pressing up against the scorn faces of plateaus nearby. A rundown, sleazy motel festers alone in the desert rocks. Gates surround the premises with a small parking lot on the outside. Sticker signs of naughty words peeled away at the edges as they sat, sandwiched between the glass and closed curtains in almost every window of the building. A big, neon-lit sign swerved across on top the shingles on the roof buzzing annoyingly as bugs pounded against it. The bugs thudding cannoned the banging in the rooms below. The sign read nice and clear for miles so drivers could see it as they approached on the highway; “The Bunny Hop”. A sign that said it all.
1: Comma doesn’t connect the phrase strongly enough. If you put a period, the bits would look fragmented on their own. What you need here is an em-dash—it connects clauses without the “clause must be dependent” rule of a semi-colon.
2, 3, 11: Awkward word choice or unnecessary word.
4, 5: Tense change.
6: You are unclear, here. Did the premises have a small parking lot on the outside, or did you mean that the fence left the parking lot on the outside? I don’t know. The grammar is too vague. “Gates surrounded the premises, which had a small parking lot on the outside” or “Gates surrounded the premises, leaving its small parking lot on the outside” could both be understood from this phrase. You don’t want unclarity like this.
7,8: Entire sentence is awkward. “In almost…” is wordy, and feels tacked on. The comma feels odd because of the nature of the subsequent cause. Best course is to re-organize the connetions.
9: Out of place.
10: You need a comma after roof, as buzzing annoyingly can’t stand on its own.
11: Cannoned confuses me. And… is it the bugs’ thudding that cannons the banging? Also, banging + thudding in such close proximity reads oddly. I can’t tell if the subject is the bugs, or the thudding. It could be, “The bugs, thudding, cannoned the banging…”
12: The so doesn’t connect well with the idea behind the sign’s function. It’s just confuzzled.
13: Semi-colon should be a colon.
14. Fragmented sentence… but it doesn’t look good as a fragment.


That’s everything that was incorrect, didn’t make sense on the first readthrough, or just came across awkwardly. Note that it’s about half of the paragraph.

The thing is, I could do this to every paragraph of the story. That’s a problem. There are so many structural errors that are varied to the point that I can’t explain to you why each one is wrong, and how to fix it. They’re complicated errors—more “functions of language nuance” than straight-up right-wrong punctuation issues. The only thing you can really do to sort these out is read grammatical manuals, or look up sentence construction rules online. The line between what you can’t do, what you shouldn’t do, and what is grammatically incorrect is… weird, and difficult to work out. But. What irritates me about this is that I’ve seen you write almost grammatically flawless stories. This just comes off as lazy editing.

Also. Remember to create a new paragraph with each new speaker or action. Some of your paragraphs were clumped a bit more than they could have been. Annnd, double-check your dialogue tags. There were a few you missed. (“You are such a cutie pie!” She said with eyes a glaze. → should be a lowercase s) Annnd, I’ve noticed a perpetual issue with the commas around interjectory words/phrases. However, comma, I believe… You, comma, sir, comma… Anything that’s superfluous to the sentence’s immediate pieces has to be offset by commas, as a general rule.

Details: Your word choice is magnificent. Sometimes you use words in an odd sense, or use words that I’m pretty sure don’t exist at all in the situation you’ve placed them… That gets distracting. Detracts a bit from the tale. At the same time, though, I don’t even care—you use enough bold, strong words with lots of connotation and meaning in enough of the right places to say what you’re trying to say. WHICH IS WHAT MATTERS, mostly. Sometimes you don’t say it quite as clearly, as I’ve mentioned. You should be more careful about certain usages (see “scorn” and “cannoned” in the intro paragraph) that appear odd to the reader. And bothering to edit *cough* will improve the reading ease.

You also set up a very effective atmosphere and mood through your imagery. It’s descriptive, but doesn’t jolt to a stop every five sentences because of an onslaught of unnecessarily specific blah blah blah details that don’t do anything for the story. Everything blends into the perspective and flows with the story. Good job. You even make good use of your adjectives. I feel like I’ve read pieces of yours that definitely could have done with some hardcore description critique—but this is not one of them.

Battle: Ingenuity. Thank you. It doesn’t happen a lot in battle scenes. No complaints here. You know what you’re doing. There wasn’t a straightforward battle-capture thing, but I don’t care about battle-capture things, so you’re fine. The dialogue interchange was entertaining; the action flowed; everything worked.

Length: ~22241

Verdict: Psh, take ‘em. Your grammar makes me sick inside, and I know you can edit it into coherence more or less on your own, which is kinda that, WELL DOUBLE MINUS POINTS BECAUSE YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU DIDN’T sort of thing. But at the same time, your plot is fresh and your imagery is more or less brilliant. If I grade another one of your things where your grammar’s in this condition, I’ll probably fail you (:P). This time, you get off scotch free. Dunsparce and Lopunny captured.
__________________

EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 09-27-2010 at 01:40 AM.
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