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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:03 AM
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Default The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]



Words: 1,493
Characters (with spaces): 8,524
Characters (without spaces): 7, 049
Required: 5,000-10,000
Catching: Mareep

The field was most unlike her to visit, leaves on trees hanging over and blocking most of the sun’s rays. Despite her name, Darktress was a fan of light. She hated darkness, but oddly enough had an eye on Dark-type Pokémon. The “field” was more like a rainforest, full of typical rainforest noises. A mother Swellow swooped over Darktress’s head, followed by a few Tailow who were remarkably slower. A mother and her babies, Darktress noted with curiosity.

She pulled her watch and chain out and glanced at the watch, lent to her by her Grandfather. A few minutes until three o’ clock - this was the time of the exchange. Not a trade, or an item trade, but an exchange of information. Perhaps today was Darktress’s day to obtain the information required to find the Pokémon of her dreams, Sneasel.
Leaves crunched underneath Darktress’s heavy boots and she reached a fallen log. A Politoed plushie lay on the log, a sign that Darktress’s contact was definitely here. She sat on the log and threw the plushie to the right. A young boy came trudging out from the left, hidden by the cover of the autumn trees. The air had been getting colder since Darktress entered the forest, and it was surprising she’d only noticed it now. Did forests normally do that?

The boy sat next to Darktress and sneaked an arm over her shoulders, like they were friends. In no way were they related, and Darktress found his touch disturbing but this was her chance to get information and she would not in any circumstances ruin it. The boy looked at Darktress. He had bright, sky blue eyes that didn’t focus on anything for a certain amount of time.

“Although we are here, it doesn’t necessarily mean I will give you information. The Pokémon who can perform the most gracefully in one move is the winner, right? And we will touch each other twenty times after the moves are performed, then the person who is touched the last does not win.....”

The boy reached for one of his multiple Pokéballs and Darktress reached for her only one. She tossed the ball and a small gust of wind pushed the button in. The Pokéball clicked and a ray of zigzagged blue light emerged, forming a silhouette which faded and revealed a beautiful Buizel. The boy lobbed the ball into the air with more force behind the throw, wind shoving the button violently inwards. The blue light came out, but unlike Darktress’s, the silhouette slammed into the ground and stood up before revealing a Machop.

“Okay, Wave! We can do this! Use Water Sport and let’s start this party!” Darktress commanded, and Buizel –named Wave - nodded. She drained water from her floatation sac, as she got a lot in there, and transferred it to her hands. She did not toss this water around as she usually did, but she danced round in a circle, flattening her hands and tilting them so the water flowed naturally down onto the ground. It was a beautiful sight, nearly like a waterfall.

“Bravo. Your Buizel did very well,” he commented, then looked at his Machop. “We can easily beat her. Use Thunderpunch and make it sparky!”

The Machop, Macho, closed his eyes and began to gather electricity from the closest source – his trainer’s Pokédex. The Pokédex glowed with a soft light before completely turning itself off. Macho fed off the energy, sending it into his arm. Soon electricity was too much to hold inside, so sparks began dancing around outside, on Macho’s arm. They soon became more violent, like the electricity inside his arm. Finally, his arm was buzzing with electricity.

Macho punched the air with such force he nearly detached his arm from his body. The electricity was thrown out, shooting through the air until it met a tree. The electricity fed off a chunk of the tree then vanished. Darktress clapped, that Thunderpunch was truly impressive.

“Now, touch...” The boy and Darktress circled each other and the boy shot forwards, prodding Darktress hard in the belly. Darktress ducked under another quick poke and jabbed the boy’s leg. She accepted the next poke and slid under the boy, pulling him down by his foot. This chain of extremely stupid events kept going until Darktress and the mysterious boy both had one poke left.

The boy foolishly lost count at 13, so he prodded Darktress. She prodded him back and jumped into the air. Wave joined in the celebration by squirting Darktress with water.
“There are Sneasel somewhere in Johto, in a cold, dark and icy cave. I have heard it is mixed between two Gym Leaders, one of ice. That is all I know,” the boy explained. He was drenched by Wave, then Darktress thanked him and they parted ways.
The boy pulled out his Pokédex and pointed it at Wave. The Pokédex was turned off. He pressed the “ON” switch, but the Pokédex failed to turn on. The boy looked up at Macho.

“WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR ELECTRICITY FROM?!” he yelled. Macho turned on his heels and ran, followed closely by the boy.

Meanwhile, Darktress had gotten lost. How stupid, getting lost in a forest. She heard the “baa” of Mareep and Flaaffy which meant there was a farm nearby, which was fortunate. Darktress wandered in the direction of the sounds, with a healthy Buizel tagging on behind her.

The duo finally reached the farm, and Darktress sat on the fence, examining the hundreds or thousands of Mareep and Flaaffy that wandered the fields. Some Mareep were giving birth, some Mareep were halfway through evolution to Flaaffy, and it was all very busy.
Five Absol patrolled the farm, and one was racing towards the fence. Darktress moved to open the fence for it, but the Absol soared over the fence and landed back on the path, racing into the forest. Wave set off at high speed, in pursuit of the Absol. Darktress ran after them, but she was slow so she went down on all fours and ran that way. She was moving a lot faster now, and she could see Wave in the distance. She gained speed and ran alongside Wave, not always keeping that way and sometimes dragging behind. The Absol finally stopped, cornering a terrified Mareep.

The Absol saw Darktress and Wave and growled at them. Wave screamed at the Absol and it turned and fled into the forest, probably heading back to the farm. Electricity crackled over the Mareep’s fur, as it thought the two were hostiles. Wave backed away a little, terrified of electricity and the world of hurt it gave her.
“No, Wave! You have to be brave. Use Sonic Boom!” Darktress commanded, keeping her calm. Wave followed Darktress’s example and calmed herself, building up air in her lungs. When Wave opened her mouth, it sounded like an explosion had just ripped through the forest. At the farm, every Mareep, Absol and Flaaffy stopped dead. When the sound finally stopped,the Mareep fainted and the Flaaffy staggered around. The Absol were alright, but shaken by the sheer force of the sound.

Darktress’s mind was running out of words to describe Wave’s Sonic Boom with. The Mareep had taken more damage than thought possible by Darktress, but then again, Pokémon’s hearing was sharper than human hearing. The Mareep had been doing things only to make Darktress and Wave think it was suffering from the pain. But it wasn’t. It was calming itself.

Once the Mareep was fully calmed, all the electricity its rage had gathered pulsed off its body in violent waves that ripped Darktress and Wave off their feet. Wave was so full of fury she let out another Sonic Boom, the explosion sound not as loud as before. The Mareep seemed a bit more resistant to the noise now, but it still hurt.

Wave was back on her feet pretty quickly, jumping forwards. Two shining stars materialized in Wave’s hands and she tossed them with deadly accuracy. The stars, although one had been tossed at a dreadful angle, hit. The badly thrown one directed itself into the Mareep’s lovely wool and pierced her skin, moving the wool aside.

The Mareep looked badly hurt now. One more attack would do it. That Mareep was determined, though. It let out a sad “baa” at the air and thunder came rumbling down, striking Wave exactly on the head. She stumbled backwards and fainted, to Darktress’s utter dismay. The silhouette of a Buizel lying on the ground was the second last thing Mareep saw.

A Pokéball flew through the air and struck Mareep on the head, opening up and absorbing the Pokémon’s silhouette and shrinking the Pokémon to probably about the size of the Pokémon icons in the Pokédex. The Mareep slipped into the ball and the ball closed. It wobbled, wobbled and...
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Last edited by Dark Moonlight; 09-15-2010 at 05:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-22-2010, 12:25 AM
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Smile Re: The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]

I will deal with this one.
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  #3  
Old 09-22-2010, 07:34 AM
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Default Re: The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Team Pokemon View Post
I will deal with this one.
Finally~! *holds a party*
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  #4  
Old 09-23-2010, 01:48 PM
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Talking Re: The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]

Please read the whole grade and not just the outcome.


Introduction: We get very few information about Darktress at the beginning. Since it’s a simple pokemon story, you don’t need much, but it would be nice if you talked about her character in general (was she smart, introverted, shy, insane, cautious, hopeful, cheerful, adventurous…), her appearance (tall, short, brunette, with blue eyes, clear skin, skinny, fat, with long arms/legs) and her life (where did she live, were her parents divorced, did she have brothers/sisters or many friends…). Descriptions like the foresaid are quintessential if you are aiming for a tougher pokemon, and it is more important that you describe your characters inner world, because this interests the reader the most. But, as I have already said, you don’t need all these for a Mareep. Just be, at least, more accurate. When reading that Darktress is a fan of light, everyone may understand something different. One that she is gentle and kind. Another that she is righteous and fair. Somebody else that she is peaceful and calm. I am exaggerating a bit, but I want you to understand my point.
In addition, you didn’t say much about the boy. However, since he is a second character, who just appears and then disappears, you may only do the external description.

Plot: Your plot was fine, as there were things happening. Nevertheless, I noticed a slight problem. What relation had the competition with the boy and the capture of Mareep. They are two completely irrelevant events that just happened to be the one after the other. This isn’t necessarily bad, as you describe a random day of Darktress’s life. However, the story could exist without the meeting with the boy and the Sneasel information, something that should never be happening in a story. In addition, why did the Absol let the little Mareep completely unprotected? Shouldn’t it have fought to protect it? Do not let your story have gaps like this one. They are really really really bad for you.

Grammar: No grammar mistakes! Hooray!
Wrong use of words, repeating, wrong word/phrase order and relevant errors:
• “She drained water from her floatation sac, as she got a lot in there…”
Got is wrong. You probably want to use have got, which, in our case, will become had got. Get on its own means get (unless it’s from everyday language, which I am not very familiar with because I am not from the USA/UK)
• “…so he prodded Darktress. She prodded him back…”
Back saves it, but please avoid repeating. It lowers your text quality.
• “Macho turned on his heels and ran, followed closely by the boy.

Meanwhile, Darktress had gotten lost.”
The part where Machop gets chased by the boy is only a minute after the prodding contest. As a result, Darktress can’t have got lost already. In other words, meanwhile and Darktress had gotten lost should be together. You could say “Meanwhile, Darktress was moving on deeper into the forest, but she soon realised she had gotten lost.”
• “Darktress had gotten lost. How stupid, getting lost in a forest.”
You repeat lost. I supposed that the second sentence is Darktress thinking. So, you can change paragraph and say ““How stupid can I be, getting lost in a forest…” she thought.”
• “She heard the “baa” of Mareep and Flaaffy which meant there was a farm nearby, which was fortunate.”
Twice which. In this case, you can use an adverb. “…which fortunately meant there was a farm nearby.” This way, you get rid of the last sentence too. Having too long periods, with many which, where etc, will confuse the reader. Thus, whenever you see it happening, try fragmenting or shrinking the period. (By the way, a period is the text between two fullstop, question mark, exclamation marks etc or the combination of them (eg a question mark and a fullstop) (but not commas!!!), while sentence is the part of the text that belongs to a verb. For example, the phrase above (she heard the baa…) constists of three sentences, because there are three verbs (heard, meant and was), but it is one sentence.)
• “Darktress wandered in the direction of the sounds, with a healthy Buizel tagging on behind her.”
Not a huge mistake, but the healthy Buizel isn’t just A random healthy Buizel. It’s Darktress’s healthy Buizel. Therefore, a could be considered wrong and replaced by her.
• “Wave screamed at the Absol and it turned and fled into the forest, probably heading back to the farm.”
I guess it refers to the Absol. However, I didn’t get that from the very beginning. Inaccuracies are bad too. It could have been Wave, but it wouldn’t make sense according to the following text. Generally, in one period, it is good having the the subject in primary sentences that are linked with, unless these subjects are mentioned by their name. In other words, you should say “and Absol…”. But now, you are repeating Absol. Therefore, you can turn the second sentence into a secondary one using which and the problem is solved (“Wave screamed at the Absol, which turned…”)
• “Wave was so full of fury she let out another Sonic Boom, the explosion sound not as loud as before.”
Having noun standing on their own without verbs or gerunds is not wrong (“the explosion sound…”), but, sometimes, it doesn’t sound good. You could put a being (this is a gerund) and turn it into “the explosion sound being not as loud as before”.
• “Two shining stars materialized in Wave’s hands and she tossed them with deadly accuracy. The stars, although one had been tossed at a dreadful angle, hit. The badly thrown one directed itself into the Mareep’s lovely wool and pierced her skin, moving the wool aside.”
Again, keep the same subject in the first period. In addition, you repeat stars. “Two shining stars were materialized in Wave’s hand’s and were tossed towards Mareep (it’s good saying where they were meant to go) with deadly accuracy. (linking better the period) Though one of them had been tossed at a dreadful angle, they both hit: (you describe the results of the fact that they hit, so you need a : ) The badly thrown one directed itself into the Mareep’s lovely wool and moved it aside, piercing her skin. (you repeated wool and, because first the wool was moved aside and then the skin was pierced, you should put pierce in gerund)” And another question: how could the accuracy be deadly since one of the stars was thrown at a dreadful angle?
• “and thunder came”
“and a thunder came…”
• “The silhouette of a Buizel lying on the ground was the second last thing Mareep saw.”
What was the first last thing? Again, a bit of inaccuracy.
• “A Pokéball flew through the air and struck Mareep on the head, opening up and absorbing the Pokémon’s silhouette and shrinking the Pokémon to probably about the size of the Pokémon icons in the Pokédex. The Mareep slipped into the ball and the ball closed. It wobbled, wobbled and...”
This part is a little hard to understand. What do you mean when you say that the ball absorbed the pokemon’s silhouette? That it turned into that red light pokeballs emit? Because if you mean that it was fully absorbed, the following text doesn’t make sense shouldn’t be there. The ball would have just closed and that’s it.
In addition, you repeat and (and absorbing… and shrinking…), as wellas ball and wobbled (I understand why you repeat that, but you could do it in better fashion). Get rid of the first and, putting a comma instead, use sphere for the second ball and “It wobbled once, it wobbled twice/once again, and…”.
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Old 09-23-2010, 01:50 PM
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Talking Re: The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]

Punctuation:
• “…but oddly enough had an eye on Dark-type Pokémon.”
Before reading my comment, read the phrase above out loud (not too loud though). Do you feel there is a small pause after enough? Or do you stop to take a short breath? If you do, know that whenever you do it, you need to put a comma. If you don’t, I rest my case. Anyway, you need a comma after enough. You also need one before oddly. This one is not that evident, but, usually, adverbs that get a comma at the end also get a comma at the beginning (you see how I wrapped usually with commas?). This shows that the sentence can exist and not change (at least not a lot) in meaning even without them. I hope I was understood. Please ask if I was not.
• “A mother and her babies, Darktress noted with curiosity.

She pulled her…”
No need to change paragraph here. We do that whenever somebody new starts talking, the topic changes completely, or the actions/appearance of somebody else are being described. About actions, however, that’s not always the case though.
• “In no way were they related, and Darktress found his touch disturbing but…”
The comma is not really needed (you can put it though), but you need one after but. Most of the times, but goes with a comma. So happens with if (or when) in conditionals. “If it rains, I will take my ombrella.”
• “…and Buizel –named Wave – nodded.”
Not quite sure, but maybe it needs commas instead of -. I will ask and let you know.
• "Finally, his arm was buzzing with electricity.

Macho punched the air with such force he nearly detached his arm from his body.”
Again, no need to change paragraph. We are still talking about Machop. You could, however, add a then to link the two periods. You might also put a comma after force, but not necessarily. Use the reading rule in order to decide whether it’s needed or not.
• “This chain of extremely stupid events kept going until Darktress and the mysterious boy both had one poke left.

The boy…”
No paragraph change.
• ““WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR ELECTRICITY FROM?!” he yelled.”
Avoid using capitals like this. The ?! and yell completely cover you, so they are not needed. I am glad, though, to see that you didn’t put a comma instead of the ?!. Only fullstops gets replaced by commas. Also avoid using many ? or ! in a row (you haven’t made this mistake, just pointing out). One is enough, and if you want to give emphasis to the wonder, surprise etc, write something adequate after the dialogue. (like he asked full of curiosity, he cried surprised and such)
• “Wave was so full of fury she let out another Sonic Boom, the explosion sound not as loud as before.”
You have to separate the two sentences with a comma after fury. Try the reading rule again.

Details: Your details were quite good. Just keep in mind what I said in the introduction part and what I am about to say next.

Dialogues: Not many dialogues, but they weren’t needed actually. Don’t forget, however, to change paragraphs when requiredl

Battle: Your battle was also decent, but you must extra careful here (more than in the other parts) so that you remain realistic. I have two observation though.
• First of all, a Mareep has to be of quite a high level in order to learn Thunder, and the one Darktress is fighting is only from a farm. Then, all it had to do is let out a baa and the thunder strikes. Doesn’t it have to send out some electricity to cause the thunder? And shouldn’t it be a little cloudy in order for the Thunder to strike? Think about all these before using strong moves.
• Why did the Mareep far far away in the farm faint and the one that Darktress was against did not? And why didn’t Darktress herself get hurt. You exaggerated a little. You could say that all the animals in the farm began panicking and that the Absol were struggling to maintain order, as well as that Darktress covered her ears in pain and couldn’t hear very well after the attack was used.

Length: Long enough.

Outcome: What you have to do is think more logically when writing your story. Could what you write really happen? Maybe it could have been a little different? This way, you will avoid having mistakes in your story, as far as the plot is concerned. Generally, your story was good. I simply point out as many mistakes as I can, because that my job actually, so don’t let them get you down. Just make sure you reread your story as many times as you can, and each time looking for different kind of mistakes (grammar, punctuation, phrase order, dialogues, details, if what’s happening could actually happen etc). And at last the grade is over. I musn’t forget to congratulate you though, because Mareep has been captured! Hooray!
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  #6  
Old 09-25-2010, 05:52 PM
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Default Re: The Mareep Exchange [Ready for grading!!]

Finally. *dances with the Mareep*
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