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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-18-2010, 09:35 PM
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Default Suprisingly Shocking[Ready for Grading]

Target:Mareep
Characters:5-10k
Count-
With hidden([/i][i]):6,353(no spaces); 7,789(with spaces)
Without hidden:6,311(no spaces); 7,786(with spaces)

Jake, an average, skinny 14 year old with brown hair and green eyes, was walking down a path. He was wearing a black outfit with a green hexagonal pattern on the pants on the side near the ankle. He has a brown belt that holds his Pokéballs, another belt that was just green beads on string was under that and it had a green hexagon that hung off of the rest of the belt. He wore a green shirt with a thick, vertical white stripe on it. Jake also had gloves, fingers cut off, with white cuffs that also bore the green hexagon on both. His shoes were green with a black stripe where the tongue meets the rest of the shoe along the with a white Pokéball logo that is on some hats and a white heel. Over the shirt, Jake wears a short, black t-shirt that isn't connected with a white outline and the hexagons are on the shoulders. The shirt also had a hood with a green inner part and a black outer part with white outlining. Around Jake's neck was a necklace with a hexagon on it. It was his most prized possession.

Next to the path was a dark, thick forest to his left and a clear, clean river on his right with a forest behind it. Both had Pokémon in or around them. The river had some Goldeen and Poliwag. The dark forest had Pidgeotto around it and an Ekans or Spinarak would pop out every once in awhile. Up ahead you could see a long-grassed, flower-populated meadow with movement, but you couldn't see what it was. With his Electrike, Shock, with him Jake felt calm and confident. Although something bugged him.

"Shock, I think it's time I capture a wild Pokémon." The electric-type looked up at his owner. Jake looked down at Shock. "What? I mean, I got you about a day ago, and most trainers would have another Pokémon by now." The Lightning Pokémon just grunted a little as if agreeing.

Both just continued walking along the path after their small talk. Soon Jake and Shock could here someone or something talking. Jake started looking around and Shock kept staring at the forest. "Where is that coming from?" Shock then froze and pointed with his muzzle where it was coming from. A herd of Mareep and Flaaffy were grazing off the right side of the meadow, which was only few yards ahead of them.

"Wow, we covered a lot of ground." Jake became distracted by an amazing path made of shining stones, that continued the dirt path, through the meadow. It had blue, red, and green rocks that shined the most beautiful colors in the perfect light. "Those almost look like sapphires, rubies, and emeralds." Jake bent down and touched them. There so smooth. Then Jake looked around and saw Shock looking at the forest. Jake turned his attention back to the path. I wonder if I could take one. There's no one around, but then again. Jake stood up and his head dropped. I suppose not. Otherwise no one else could see them.

Jake then spotted a little light in the forest. Shock saw it too and dashed off towards it. "Shock! Stop! Wait up!" Sadly the Lightning Pokémon didn't listen. It disappeared into the dark, overgrown, thickly treed forest.

When Jake turned back to the meadow and path the Mareep and Flaaffy were gone from where they were grazing. Instead they were slowly walking towards Jake. Some were just following, but the lead Flaffy had a mean face on it. "Uh-oh." Jake backed up a little and began backing towards the forest when the Flaaffy seemingly ordered two other Flaffy to cut him off.

Jake kept backing up towards the dark forest. What's going to happen? Is this just and act? I hope so. The forest suddenly seemed to open up and Jake fell back into it. He got up and ran farther into it. He never stopped and seemed like he never would. He just ran forever. Then he got snagged on a low branch and fell. "Oww!" Jake looked at his arm. It was bleeding, but not a whole lot. A few scraped were around it and a twig managed to scrape his side.

Jake slung his pack in front of him and pulled out a band-aid. He put it on and got back up. He looked around. There were small patches of light throughout the fores, but Jake couldn't actually see the sky. There was rustling around him every once in awhile. A twig got broken too, but he never saw what caused it. Jake decided that he should get moving so he did. He headed the way he came from and followed trampled and broken plants and sticks.

Soon Jake saw the trees thinning out. He ran ahead, his heart racing, and jumped out yelling, "I made it!" Then when he looked, all he saw was more trees. Jake jumped when more sticks were broken and he heard breathing in the trees that were in front of him. It was getting closer and closer until it leaped out and tackled Jake.

"Shock! I missed you buddy!" Jake hugged his partner and pushed him off so he could stand up. Then Jake stopped smiling and stared at Shock. "Why did you run off?" Shock looked down and then ran off again. "Shock!" It was useless, the Lightning Pokémon was already gone.

When Jake looked up at the sky that he could now see, he saw that it was almost night time. So Jake started to set up camp. He was unrolling his sleeping bag and already had a small fire started when Shock returned. Jake looked at him and then looked at his bag. "Oh, hi."

Shock walked up to Jake slowly and dropped something in his lap. It was a berry. Jake smiled a bit. "Thanks Shock, I promise I won't yell anymore while we're in the woods." Jake hugged Shock and stood up. "So what were you chasing when you took off while we're were at the meadow?"

Shock walked away at the question and camp back holding a stone. "This is a water stone. How'd it end up in the forest?" Jake just shrugged at his own question. "Oh, well. At least I know what the light was." Jake then laid down in his sleeping bag. "Get comfy and get to sleep. We're leaving the forest when we get up." Jake closed his eyes and quickly fell asleep. Shock walked over to Jake and laid by his side and fell asleep with him.

The next morning the fire was out, Shock was stretching and Jake just finished packing. "Are you ready?" Shock nodded. "Elecrike!" Shock yelled. "Uh," Jake just stared at Shock. He usually doesn't speak. Oh, well. Shock led Jake out of the forest by using his great sense of smell.

Shock led Jake over the broken and trampled sticks and plants. He was led through the thickest parts of the forest and eventually to where the forest and the meadow met. "Thank you a lot, Shock." Jake threw a berry to Shock and he happily ate it.

Then Jake noticed that the Flaaffy and Mareep were grazing again as he looked around. The lead Flaaffy noticed that Jake was back too. He got his herd and headed for me. When they were 10 yards away, they all stopped. They noticed that Jake had Shock. The leader sent out a weak-looking Mareep to be a distraction.

Maybe if I catch the Mareep, they all will run away "Shock, you ready for a battle?!" Shock stood in a battle position. "Use Quick Attack, Shock!" Shock sprinted at the Mareep and hit it head on. "Good job!" Shock ran back to his side of the temporary battlefield. Then Mareep may have looked weak, but it looked like it could still have a good battle. It used Growl and Shock became less wary.

"Shock, use Quick Attack again!" Shock charged again and hit the Mareep, but it didn't hurt as much. Shock ran back to our side again and then faced the Mareep again.

Jake looked over at the rest of the herd. They were just staring at the Mareep that was battling Shock. While Jake wasn't looking, the Mareep used Thundershock on Shock. Shock was hit, but it didn't do much."Shock, it's time to wrap this up!"

Jake pulled out a red-and-white Pokéball and made it normal sized. Then he threw it. "Go, Pokéball!" It hit the Mareep and the wild Wool Pokémon disappeared in a red light. The ball shut and rocked. 1, 2...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the word count was messed up, that's how I got those numbers. Also, I'm counting only the story for it.

Last edited by Jake434; 12-30-2010 at 11:11 PM. Reason: Finished
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  #2  
Old 12-20-2010, 12:25 AM
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Default Re: Suprisingly Shocking

This is ready for grading.
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  #3  
Old 12-30-2010, 10:29 PM
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Default Re: Suprisingly Shocking

It's like a ghost town 'round these parts

Claimed.
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  #4  
Old 12-30-2010, 11:48 PM
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Default Re: Suprisingly Shocking[Ready for Grading]

Yea, I agree. I've been waiting for this to be claimed for awhile.
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  #5  
Old 12-31-2010, 12:52 AM
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Default Re: Suprisingly Shocking[Ready for Grading]

Wait no longer =)
-
Introduction:

Intros usually serve one or two purposes: to introduce a notable character to the reader or to give them a small splice of the plot. They can also serve as a 'hook' and grab the reader's attention.

I was a little turned off by all the description of Jake; otherwise, it was a decent intro. You introduced me to the main character and eased me into the rest of the story. Then you quickly pushed the on when Shock ran off. Cool. The question of sapphires/rubies/other precious stones covering the ground intrigued me.
-
Grammar:

I have heard conflicting data over this, but generally people agree that you need to write out numbers under ten and most people agree that writing out numbers under 100 (especially if you are writing a fictional story) is the way to go. Unless you are writing out a date or an address or a series of codes or whatnot. So "14" would be "fourteen".

You did not have many grammar errors, really. Some typos, but too many =)
--
Description:

Quote:
Originally Posted by From Shocking
He was wearing a black outfit with a green hexagonal pattern on the pants on the side near the ankle.
He has two ankles. Or I'm assuming he does, as you didn't mention him only having one foot. So I'd be more alert in the future and make sure you're describing what you mean to be describing and not...something else. Anything else :P

Overall, I saw a theme emerge when you began to describe things. Two themes, actually. The first is that you like adjectives a lot (adjectives describe things, like 'red' or 'small' or 'tall' and so on) and the second theme I saw was that you like to go deep into detail.

To talk about the first theme...there is nothing wrong with adjectives. It's a writer's prerogative. However, when you use a lot of adjectives and just describe 'n describe things using them, then you run the risk of losing your reader. Or having them skim all that typing until they get to a little action. More adverbs and verbs mixed in with adjectives can sometimes catch a readers attention. More on this in a moment.

The second theme is closely related to the first. It's actually the product of using too many adjectives: you were, at times, drowning your reader in details. It's your choice; it is your story and your style of writing, so if you so chose to write with a ton of little details, that is that. I will warn you: readers do not tend to remember or fix in their mind every little detail. If you go and talk with friends about their favorite books and ask them what the main characters looked like, they would probably be able to tell you some general details, but the small ones get lost in the wind.

Sometimes it's better to go with the style of a person and a few of their details. By style, I mean their general look--like if they looked professional and business like, or if they looked ragged and homeless or if they looked mismatched and wacky. And a few of their details--like gender, like skin color, like hair color or a notable and important tattoo or design or whatnot.

Something that is often heard in writing is 'Say what you need with as few words as needed'. That does not mean you should cut everything to the bone and never stop to describe the surroundings, or avoid spending extra time flushing out a character's personality. It means just what it says--try and stick to what is needed. If you need to describe the feel of sunburnt grass on your character's skin to help set an atmosphere, then do so! Just try and think "How is this needed? How is it helping my story?" For example:

Quote:
Originally Posted by From Shocked
His shoes were green with a black stripe where the tongue meets the rest of the shoe along the with a white Pokéball logo that is on some hats and a white heel.
I don't need to know that. It doesn't help set the character's personality up in my mind and it doesn't help set up an atmosphere or anything.

Overall, you did well when it came to describing things. I can see you put a lot of thought into everything, which is great. You've reached the point where you should start to spend more time thinking of what is needed vs. what is not needed.
--
Length: you just need to know what the character count is, prefer. without the forum code. There are free 'n safe character counters on the 'net, many of which are just copy+paste. Character count was:
--
Plot:

Hmm. Interesting. Trainer and Pokemon walking around, then 'mon runs off and trainer follows. Then an encounter with a Mareep and all. I do ask the question of why the head Mareep sent out a weaker Mareep to distract Jake? There wasn't any mention in the story of Jake being a threat to the Pokemon or of the Mareep acting skittish or aggressive.

For a Simple 'mon, this plot was fairly good. As you go for higher level 'mons (like Medium and Hard), I suggest you add to the plot. Add more events, or ideas, or characters, or whatnot.
--
Battle:

Two attacks each =( If you are going to do a battle, than there should really be more more attacks and a little description of the attacks and their effects. Also, there is always the environment to use during a battle. 'cause if you are going to have a battle leading up to the capture, you might as well put a good bit of effort into it.
--
Conclusion: You're a promising writer and this was a neat first story. So...congratulations! You have captured a Mareep!
--
Other: Even though I just told you to use less description, I'm also going to ask you to describe the Pokemon a bit. It doesn't have to be much--a scruffy, scraggly looking sheep Pokemon or whatnot.

Anyway, good luck with your future stories :D And good work on this story.




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  #6  
Old 12-31-2010, 07:56 PM
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Default Re: Suprisingly Shocking[Ready for Grading]

Thank you. I hope to be even better from this now.
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