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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-08-2010, 06:58 PM
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Default [READY TO GRADE] The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Prologue: Reminiscence…

Somewhere between Celadon City and Fuchsia City lies a winding road. A path of such amazing scenery, land filled with wonderful sensation and aroma. The grass was few inches high, a wide plateau, with few trees here and there, scattered around. A very gentle water creek cut the plateau in half, passing so smoothly as if it has no beginning, and as if it will never have an end. A field on colorful flowers, making the rainbow feel so pale and plain, was covering half of the plateau; sending such an amazing scent, so soothing and perfect.

Somewhere around the plateau lies a very huge boulder, giving the field an abstract view; that seems heavenly. On that boulder lied down a young man, he was in his early twenties. He looked so serene and careless of his surrounding, almost with no fear of what the future might hold. He was wearing light blue jeans, almost old as it was a little bit worn out on the tips of the leggings and on the knee caps, with a very simple and plain, black shirt and regular sand-colored hiking boots. His hair was long and tied in a ponytail.

Lying on his back, with both his arms stretched, holding his head with his hands as if they were his light-feather pillow on this rough boulder. Next to him lied down a young and healthy looking Growlithe, yawning and smiling as he was so close to this person. He was his human friend, his only friend. The young man opened his eyes and looked down at Growlithe and smiled as he started petting him on his head, making the young puppy shake his tail in joy. "Pyros, this day reminds me of when we first met… years ago!" The young man started as his puppy pet barked happily, agreeing to what his trainer has said.

The young man turned his eyes away from Pyros, the Growlithe, and looked up to the sky as he smiled. The sky was so clear, with few cotton-like clouds and few Pidgey flying around. The sound of the wind playing along with the trees, the flowers, the grass and the creek, the sound of wild Pokemon around the area, the scent of the delicious natural aroma of the Earth, the calm blue sky. It all goes back to when everything was exactly the opposite, when he first met Pyros.

-Flashback-

"Turab!? Where are you!?" So many voices are yelling, and calling out the name of what seems to be a lost boy. It was fall, and it was very cold and the weather turned wild all of a sudden. Hurricanes and a very vicious wind was blowing, taking off small cottages and huts roofs, pulling off small trees. The weather was disastrous, and the kid, Turab, is obviously lost in such weather.

But somewhere far away there was a kid, hiding with a new-born Growlithe. They hid away inside a tree log, hiding from weather. "Don't worry pup, I'll take care of you!" The young kid said as the puppy barely understood anything, but felt safe and growled smiling.

-End of Flashback-

"It has been ten years, hasn't it Pyros?!" The young man asked as he looked down again at his grown up puppy, Growlithe. The puppy barked out loud and jumped off his place and started barking at the young man as if pushing him to stand up and play with him, or go some other place.

And so the two went walking, down the same winding road, looking around, somewhere near the boulder lies down a worn out, old tree-log… this is where Pyros and Turab first met, and this is where they started it all!

to be continued...


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Last edited by Turab; 10-12-2010 at 07:08 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-09-2010, 07:42 PM
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Chapter One: A Favor!?

It was a very normal day in a small town somewhere on the long road between Celadon City and Fuchsia, Velvet Town. Turab was simply standing in the sun, and sighing, for this is not what his dream was. Holding a huge carton-box outside a convenient store he works in, Turab felt so underestimated. His sole dream was to become an adventurer, to unveil the mysteries of this planet as he roams around, but with no encouragement, and with his job, he couldn't do it when he was of right age, and now he thinks it's just too late.

"Hey, you there!? Turab! I am calling you boy!" A thick, yet loud voice was yelling. Turab was daydreaming; he was looking into nothing, into the sky as he was holding the box.

"What in the name of god I am doing in this dump!?" Turab was thinking to him self as he was looking to the sky, the sun was scorching in mid-day and Turab was seating.

"Didn't you hear me calling on you kid!?" The man yelled again, as he slapped Turab on the back of his head lightly to make him snap out of whatever he was doing.

"Oh, I am so sorry Mr. Stiffins!" Turab replied so politely, as he smiled, walking to the back of the store with the box, to place it in the storage-room.

"This good for nothing boy… all he ever do is dream of being an adventurer and a Pokemon Trainer! Him and that stupid puppy of his… he thinks that adventuring will bring him money and make him as reliable as he is now, not that he is anyway!" Mr. Stiffins said to him self as he was looking at Turab downloading the boxes from the truck into the storage-room.

"Mr. Stiffins, is Turab here?!" Someone with a very clean suite, and a mustache, a gentleman, asked.

"Yes of course Mr. Mayor!" Mr. Stiffins replied with a smile, as if he was selling a commodity. "Can I ask what it is about!?" The store owner asked while scratching the back of his head, confused why would the Mayor of Velvet Town ask for a good-for-nothing boy like Turab.

"It is a private matter Mr. Stiffins, I'd rather talk to Turab in person, please!" The Mayor replied so politely.

"What is it sir?" Turab asked, walking towards the Mayor and Mr. Stiffins, overhearing their conversation, knowing that the Mayor is asking for him.

"Turab, how is your Growlithe?" The Mayor asked.

Turab smiled and nodded, "He is in perfect shape sir!" The young trainer replied.

"Good, I have a favor to ask. Many trainers accidentally go to the deserted Winestrap Village, a place you are familiar with its surroundings as you always train there with your Pokemon. We received so many complaints that travelers, adventurers, scientists, Pokemon Trainers… everyone who passes through there, and gets lost, get a very non-humorous prank that actually ends up hurting them or their Pokemon. We need you to go there and end this, we are a small Town, we don't have Pokemon trainers, and most of us are simple peasants and town folks." The Mayro said as he was looking at Turab with a hope of agreement.

"But, what about his work in here?!" Mr. Stiffins said, interrupting the discussion between the Mayor and Turab.

"I'll go sir!" Turab replied with a smile, and after almost no moment of thinking. This is what Turab has been looking for his entire life, an opportunity to be given a chance. His answer shocked the store manager who went back inside his shop angrily, and made the Mayor smile in relief.

This is what Turab has been always waiting for. But will this come back to him with any good? Will he finally be recognized as a Pokemon Trainer? Will this allow him to set a foot in a world full of adventure? Turab has so many questions in his head as he went back to his lousy small studio-apartment on top of the store's roof. Getting all he needs, and inform Pyros, his Growlithe.


To be continued...

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Last edited by Turab; 10-12-2010 at 01:10 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-11-2010, 03:42 PM
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Chapter Two: And so it Begins!

Turab went to his small studio through an outer staircase, and as he was running upstairs in excitement after hearing the news and the Mayor's favor of him to go on an adventure, the stairs had this loud, metallic sound. Turab opened the worn out wooden door of his small studio and jumped in smiling, looking left and right for his puppy. The apartment was kind of messy, there was food on the table, books on the sofa, soda on the television and clothes on his messy bed. Everything was so close to each other that made the room look even smaller. "Hey, Pyros, where are you boy?!" Turab cried happily.

The puppy came out of the bathroom running towards his sole friend and his trainer, Turab, barking and excited. Growlithe barely get to be with his trainer in day time due to the work in the convenient store, where no pets are allowed. Pyros, the Growlithe, ran towards Turab in thrill, shaking his tail happily, as he jumped on Turab who could barely catch him. They both fell on the ground as the puppy started licking Turab's face, making him laugh out loud. "Hey, cut it off Pyros! I have great news…" Turab said as he was trying to stop his puppy. "We are finally going on an adventure… you'll get to show the world your skills and strength boy!" Turab continued, making Pyros jump off Turab and bark in joy.

Turab then cleaned up his studio-apartment, took a shower, and prepared his backpack with all he need for his adventure. He put in some Pokemon food, especially made for Growlithe, and some canned food for him, spare clothes and underwear and some useful tools such as a rope and a sleeping bag and his camping swiss-knife. He took a look at the very first Pokeball he ever bought; he finally had a reason to take them out of the closet. He never had the guts to put Growlithe in a Pokeball, but it seems that this is time for this to finally happen. He put the six Pokeball he has on his belt, around his waist and grabbed one. "Do you want to do this Pyros!?" Turab asked hesitantly.

Growlithe smiled and barked, knowing that it doesn't have to be this way, but he wants his only friend, and his Pokemon trainer, and even his master to become a real adventurer and look like one. Turab smiled and threw the Pokeball at Growlithe who didn't resist what-so-ever and got inside his Pokeball, for the very first time. The young man went and grabbed the Pokeball off the floor and smiled, "Thank you Pyros, you are a true friend!" He said as he put the Pokeball back to his belt.

Turab put his backpack on and went through the door, out of the studio to the City-hall to receive information of the Mayor about the situation in Winestrap Town, the long abandoned village. Ever since Turab was two years old the village was abandoned due to a terrible hurricane. Most of the citizens moved to Celadon and Fuchsia, some went to Cerulean and others to Vermillion, and only a very old couple moved to Velvet Town, where Turab resides.

The young trainer, and the verge of becoming a real adventurer, stood right in the middle of the Village Square where kids were playing around the fountain. He was wondering of he should pay the old couple a visit first, or the Mayor. "I guess I'll go see the Heckles' couple first, I need to know all I can about the area!" Turab said to him self as he looked down a small bakery near Village Square and smiled. "Because of their fine bread I sometimes forget they are even outsiders!" He continued thinking as he walked down the Square towards the Bakery.

-Ching Ching-

Turab opened the door to the Bakery as the hung wind-chimes started making some music as they bumped into each other. "Oh, it's young boy Turab!" The old lady said as he smiled. "Welcome, how may I help you son!?" She asked as he welcomed him inside. The scent was amazing, all this bakery and patisserie just smelled so delicious.

"Actually, I want to ask you about Winestrap Village ma'am!" Turab asked politely. "Perhaps you've heard about this from the townsfolk gossip. I am going on an adventure to the abandoned village of Winestrap to stop the mischievous actions of some few Pokemon gone really wild, hurting all those who trespass." Turab continued.

"Well, we can't really help you!" An old man's voice cried, as Mrs. Heckles husband came out of the baking room. "Winestrap Village is so small, and you know the way there… that's all there is to that abandoned village." Mr. Heckles continued.

"Is that so?!" Turab asked, looking wondered about how the old man talked to him, as if he just doesn't want to give him any information as he went back to his baking room. Mrs. Heckles look at her husband and her face turned sad all of a sudden; with a teary eye she turned back to Turab and smiled.

"John lost his best friends, and his three Pokemon in that Hurricane. That's why whenever someone talks about that village he becomes so mad, please, excuse him!" Mrs. Heckles asked of Turab as she bowed and smiled.

Turab looked at her, and smiled, "Don't worry ma'am, I am so sorry to remind you both of that incident." The young Pokemon trainer said as he walked outside, towards the City Hall.

-In the City Hall-

"Turab, I will fill you in with the information we have in hand!" The Mayor started, as he was playing with his mustache, swirling it. "All we know that no one has ever seen the attacking Pokemon… he is too small, a little bit agile and hides perfectly. But what amazes us, and confuses us, is that this Pokemon can use all three elemental attacks. Many trainers returned with burnt Pokemon, sometimes electrified, and others frozen solid… and so happened to humans as well! Investigate, and put an end to this…" The Mayor continued as Turab nodded, accepting his mission.

Turab started his journey; it's not a long walk from Velvet Village. It takes almost a whole day to reach Winestrap Town. Turab set on his very first adventure with a big smile, and whole load of confidence that he will end this mischief that's accrued recently in this area.


to be continued...

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Total Character Count: 11,281
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Last edited by Turab; 10-12-2010 at 01:10 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-11-2010, 07:08 PM
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Chapter Three: A Three-sided Battle?

Somewhere around the ruins of Winestrap Village, Turab was sitting with his Growlithe in the middle of the night eating. Around a small camp-fire, Turab has put couple of fish he caught and on a tree log just to his left there was some roasted mushrooms, he picked and roasted earlier; there was also some berries and fruits from the wilderness. Turab looked at Growlithe and smiled as he put some Pokemon food in Growlithe's blue dish that has Pyros written on it in white, with bold capital letters. "Here you go Pyros, enjoy your meal!" The young Pokemon trainer said as he handed his puppy the food-filled-dish. "Tomorrow we have a very busy day… sleep well after you're done!" Turab continued as he grabbed a fish and started eating.

-Next Day-


"So this is Winestrap Village!? Hmm.. I've always heard stories, and I've always play around this area when I was wrong, do you remember that boy?! We had such a good times playing around the eastern mountains and the surrounding lake!" Turab said as he was looking to his surrounding.

The village was totally destroyed. The Hurricane has kept nothing in this village alive. Destroyed houses are everywhere along the streets, or at least what used to look like houses and streets. But time has made this place lovely. It has been more than twenty years since this village was torn apart viciously by a disastrous hurricane. Twenty years is a very long amount of time for this place to turn into a heaven on earth. The trees have grown so beautifully, the streets are cracked and grass coming out of it. Roses and vines and fruits have grown everywhere, making this a perfect haven for wild Pokemon, and makes the village look like ancient ruins.

Walking around this place, Turab was extremely stunned. He never knew such a beautiful place even exist on a day walk away from his home. Everything is destroyed, yet everything is green, as if life has been taken away from humans to be given back to nature. Not noticing anything, due to the young man's fascination; a bunch of quick creatures were roaming, as if they were just shadows or ghosts of this villages past. And all of a sudden, Turab found him self in a play grown, with a see-saw, a slide and a spinner.

The playground was in a terrible shape, the games are way too rusty and vines has grabbed so tight into them, making them still statues. The see-saw can no longer go up and down, the spinner spins no more and the slide has more thrones than wood. It was terrible, but it still looked beautiful. And as the young Pokemon trainer was looking directly towards the bushes, and out of no where, he noticed a small red dot in the shadows.

A huge beam was shot right straight at him. A beam of flame and since Turab has been training Growlithe for so long; he is familiar with his attack, the Flamethrower. Turab jumped to the side, barely dodging this Flamethrower. It looked so magnificent and well charged. The Pokemon who uses this is actually made of fire, purely of fire. "Who is there?!" Turab cried out loud looked at the direction of where the Flamethrower was shot from, with Pyros' Pokeball in his hand, preparing to battle.

Before he managed to get ready and release his Growlithe, a second wave of attacks commenced upon him. Turab has heard a zapping voice all of a sudden, from the sky. Turab looked up and he saw this magnificent bolt of lightning coming directly towards him, another attack, also well charged. Turab dove to his right being captured by the vines and falling on his back. "This is it!" The young trainer yelled angrily as his vein was popping on his forehead. "Go Pyros, teach them a lesson they'll never forget!" Turab yelled as he threw Growlithe's Pokeball to the air, and with a white flashy beam, Pyros was released, barking and taking a fighting stance, baring his sharp canines, growling.

And out of no where, a very beautiful, light blue beam was shot towards the puppy, whose senses are exceptional. He jumped over the beam that was shot from behind, and spun in midair as he was charging a Flamethrower shooting a huge one directly at where the Ice Beam was shot from. If it didn't hit the Pokemon and make it faint, at least it will provoke it and force it to show it self. Attacks ended, the bark of the tree facing Growlithe is totally frozen solid and the ground in which the Ice Beam came from is still smoking, almost fully burnt. "Good job Growlithe…" Turab said with a smile. "He's down, now we can return back home!" The young trainer continued, speaking of so confidently.

Growlithe walked proudly towards his trainer, not caring of the result, thinking he already won this battle. What he didn't know that as the smoke started to fade away there wasn't just one Pokemon, but three little ones. One of them is badly injured, but still capable of battling, regardless of the burns, and the other two are simply and extremely angry of what happened to their friends. The three of them stood in a line and started yelling at Growlithe and Turab, as if they were cursing.

Turab's jaw fell, as he saw the three Pokemon. They were nothing but babies, and they caused all this mischief. One of them was a little Elekid, the other is a baby Magby and the one Pyros injured was nothing but a kid Smoochum. Turab couldn't believe it. "How can Pokemon, of their size and age, commence such terrible attacks?" Turab wondered as he was looking at them jumping all over, angry of what Growlithe did to Smoochum.

"It's about time we end this!" Turab said as he looked at his Pokemon and smiled. "Pyros, go and rip them apart, they are just kids!" He continued.

Growlithe barked and ran as fast as he could towards the elemental trio, growling and gazing at them with terrifying eyes, fierce ones, trying to force them to back down and lower their defenses. The three of them stood there, looking so fearless, as they were also prepared to fight, taking each their stance and position. Growlithe first jumped over a boulder towards the small Ice Pokemon, as it already has been weakened by his Flamethrower earlier. But the three Pokemon already had a dead-lock plan, where they corner their enemy.

Before Pyros ever reaches Smoochum he found him self on the ground, kicking the dust. He was electrified with a Thunderwave, that Elekid was looking directly towards Growlithe and charging his own energy, sending invisible waves towards the puppy, making him electrified through static energy, thus paralyzed. Smoochum took advantage of this and smiled at Growlithe right in the face as she started using her Psychic power to tear him apart inside out, making him suffer in pain without even being touched. He was surrounded with this purple aura.

Magby smiled with such an evil intent as he looked down at the exhausted puppy. He prepared his very small fist and started charging flame around it as it suddenly combusted into a huge ball of fire surrounding his closed fist. And with a huge battle-cry, the baby fire Pokemon jumped back and started running towards Growlithe, to give him self a momentum as he punched Growlithe sending him right under his trainer's feet. The three Pokemon looked at Turab as he fell on his knees in shock and held Pyros closely. He carried Growlithe and turned back and started walking away, his head to the ground. He never expected failure to be this hard, and he never expected him self to be so hurt when he sees his Pokemon in pain.


to be continued...


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Last edited by Turab; 10-12-2010 at 01:10 PM.
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Old 10-12-2010, 01:09 PM
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Chapter Four: Defeat! Or a Way to Win?!

It was too dark, the sky was cloudy and neither the moon nor the stars were apparent. Somewhere outside of Winestrap Village, the young man, Turab, was sitting on the grass. He was looking at his shivering Growlithe. The pain looked unbearable, as the Pokemon moaned. Turab took a small blanket and covered Pyros with it as he looked so sad, and depressed. He never would have thought that he would be defeated, or that his puppy would end up in such a very terrible shape. Turab stood up and walked around, picking more twigs for the small camp-fire, in order to keep Growlithe warm and safe, since it seems to be getting a little bit cold around here.

"So, you ended up defeated!?" A familiar old voice came out from the shadows in between the trees of the woods. That direction is the direction of Velvet Village. An old man, with white hair, wrinkly face and skin, came walking out of the woods on his cane.

"Mr. Heckles!?" Turab cried, wondering what this old man would do in such a place, at this hour.

"So you've got defeated! Let me guess, a Tri-elemental attack?!" Old man Heckles asked as he looked so sad towards the direction of his old deserted village, Winstrap.

"Yes… three.. Pok!" Turab replied but he got interfered by Mr. Heckles.

"Pokemon! Those are really wild Pokemon, a Magby, an Elekid and a Smoochum! Each on its own is a weak Pokemon. They are really cute, and not the fighting type to be more precise. But when the three of them are combined, they are unstoppable by at least the likes of you, and your little puppy!" Mr. Heckles replied as he was looking at Turab's shocked face. "How do I know all this you wonder!?" He continued. "I used to live in this village as a Pokemon Trainer, and I even had my own Gym, it was authenticated by Pokemon League Officials but not an Official Gym for the League. I had three Pokemon, and they were my very best friends, I lost them during the Hurricane… you do the math boy, I have to leave now, it will take me few hours on my bike to get back to Mrs. Heckles before she gets worried!" The old man continued as he waved goodbye to Turab and walked away to the woods again.

"BUT!" Turab cried out loud.

"How to defeat them?" The old man interfered. "Go train your Pokemon in the mountains, and perhaps you should capture another Pokemon as well, someone to assist your puppy in battle!" Mr. Heckles continued. "And take this!" He said as he threw a plastic bottle at Turab.

Turab managed to catch the bottle in mid-air before it falls on the ground. He looked at it and smiled, looking again at the direction of where Mr. Heckles shadow is starting to fade away. Turab look at Growlithe and walked slowly to him as he kneeled towards the puppy and started petting him. "This Potion will make you feel better my friend!" Turab said as he started spraying the potion all over the wounds on Pyros' body. "Today you rest; tomorrow… we find a new method to train, up in the mountains!" He continued as he sat down on the ground, looking after Growlithe all night.

-Next Day-

Turab was sleeping; he barely had any sleep at all during night time as he was watching over his only friend, and Pokemon, Pyros the Growlithe. But as he opened his eyes he saw his friend jumping all over and snatching Turab from his pants in order to wake up. And the moment Growlithe noticed that his trainer has opened his eyes, he jumped on his chest and started licking Turab's face. "You're fine!" Turab said as he was laughing, with joy tears in his eyes. "Hey, get off me, we have a long day now, we are going to the mountains to train boy! And when we get back, we'll show those three how wrong it was messing with us, right Pyros?!" Turab continued as the last barked.

Few hours later of walking in the woods, Turab and Growlithe finally managed to reach the bottom of the mountain. The surround was a huge grassy field with no trees, and there was a road, a passage that leads to the mountain top, that wasn't so hard to walk up to. But what triggered Turab's interest was the entrance of the mountain; it had this huge and dark cave, with a sign on the entrance saying that this is too dangerous and that they should use the passage to go to the other side of the mountain safely.

Turab looked down at Growlithe and smiled, knowing that even the puppy knows that taking the easy path won't make them any stronger, and most likely they won't even find worthy Pokemon to capture in order to assist Growlithe in his next encounter with the troublesome trio of Winstrap Village. "We'll go and train in the cave Pyros… we will train hard, we will burn rocks, we will run, we ill do pull-up and we are going to show them what it means to be a Pokemon trainer." Turab said with such an encouraged tone of voice, he was determined to change into a more powerful trainer, and take Growlithe with him to that next step.

Inside the mountain was so damp, a very bad environment for a fire Pokemon to train in, but if he managed to survive training in here, it was obvious that he will gain strength beyond any Growlithe's imagination. It was so dark, and damp, and so silent that Turab couldn't hear anything but his own footsteps and Growlithe's too. As he walked through the tunnels, one after another, he managed to find a perfect spot for them to train and camp. It was a chamber they found as they got lost in the natural maze of this cave. It's a huge cave inside the cave, with a small lake in the middle that has couple of boulders, a perfect place to camp and train.

"We better get this started Pyros!" Turab said as he took off his shirt and started doing stretches to warm up. The two of them have always trained together, Turab being Growlithe's training partner.

to be continued...


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Total Character Count: 22,096
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  #6  
Old 10-12-2010, 07:07 PM
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Chapter Five: A Supersonic Battle!


Turab and Pyros has set them selves and prepared to start training from hell. Turab has taken his shirt off, his shoes, socks and pants as well, staying only in his boxer shorts. He took out the rope from his backpack and tied few rocks to the rope in a smart way then put the rope around Growlithe as a vest, making it even more difficult for the puppy to move as they have added some weight to his body. He looked at his puppy and smiled, "are you ready Pyros?!" Turab asked gently, as Growlithe replied with a smile and a bark that echoed through the tunnels of the cavern.

"Do you see those boulders on the lake's surface? I want you to jump them all over, one by one as you will be commencing fire attacks at rocks I throw at you! I won't go easy on you, I will throw the rocks as strong as I can… now go!" Turab stated as he grabbed few rocks off the ground.

Growlithe ran as fast as he could, regardless of the rocks tied to his body. And started jumping on boulder at a time, and each time he was in midair Turab threw a rock at him at high velocity. Pyros managed to dodge some, and managed to turn some into dust with his Flamethrower and even Ember attack at sometimes. But due to the weight he was carrying around with him, Pyros' stamina started to go lower until he finally got hit by one of the rocks and fell into water. That's when Turab jumped in without hesitation to pull Growlithe out of the lake.

"I guess you can rest now!" Turab said as he put a towel around Growlithe to dry him out. "You are doing great boy, at this pace we'll get stronger in no time at all!" The young men continued with a huge smile on his face, making Pyros happy, wigging his tail joyfully.

And few hours later after several types of training methods performed. Both Turab and Pyros are in no state of staying up anymore. Their stamina has reduced greatly and they can no longer continue. But still, they both took some energy pills in order to proceed with trainings. "This will be our final section of today!" Turab said. "You must increase your fire strength. I want you to use your Flamethrower and I want you to aim it at that tunnel entrance over there, and I want your Flamethrower to be able to shut the entrance completely, not just partially… I want fully powered up attack Pyros!" Turab continued.

Pyros stood several feet away from the tunnel entrance, taking a very firm and powerful stance as he started gathering his inner fire power. His entire body started to steam up, as if he going into a self-combusting phase as the entire area started to heat up a little bit. Growlithe opened his mouth so wide and started to focus his fire energy into his mouth. Sparks of ember and flame started to show as he was charging up for a huge Flamethrower attack. And with a huge howl, the puppy sent out a magnificent, over-heated, beam of fire; it was a perfect Flamethrower, way more advanced than a Growlithe can actually do. The Flamethrower did indeed shut the tunnel entrance completely, and few seconds later Growlithe closed his mouth and ended his attack as flames, ember and smoke was apparent in the tunnel.

"Great job Pyros!" Turab said, with his eyes widely opened, and his jaws falling off. He never expected his dog to be able to perform and attack of such a caliber.

And suddenly, a screech came out of the tunnel, a very sharp voice that almost pierced both Turab and Growlithe's sense of hearing. And out of there came out a small, yet very agile bat. He was a little bit injured, but the way it seems, he is out to avenge his entire clan whom fainted from this attack. The Zubat flew as fast as he could towards Growlithe and hit him with his wings directly, knocking him out and pushing him few feet away.

But soon, Growlithe stood back on his feet and growled at the blind bat. "Growlithe tackle this Zubat down!" Turab said.

Growlithe ran towards Zubat and jumped, putting his shoulder as a cannon fodder, hitting Zubat and pushing him towards the wall making him fall to the ground. But it barely affected the angry bat, he got back into flying and started sending out waves, not visible and cannot be heard at all. They seemed like a Supersonic attack of some sort, because Growlithe has been acting strangely about it. The puppy started biting him self and running towards the wall and banging his head as hard as he could.

Zubat noticing the confused puppy Pokemon he got relieved and flew towards him trying to suck the life out of him through his fangs. "Pyros! Stop it now and focus!" Turab yelled as hard as he could.

Growlithe snapped out of it, but he was badly injured. He glared with such fearsome eyes at Zubat, and howled so loudly. Zubat realized that Growlithe has snapped out of his confused state and tried to fly away, but that is when Growlithe has already started to charge for another powerful Flamethrower attack to knock Zubat down. A beautiful fire beam approached Zubat quickly, lighting up the entire cave, knocking Zubat to the ground, with burnt wings and body, barely moving around.

Turab smiled and looked at Zubat. Growlithe looked at Zubat as well, but with a heavy breath, the puppy was also at the verge of life, he can barely stand up on his feet anymore, but he won't fall down until he's sure that Zubat is done for it. "This is it; I am going to capture this Zubat!" Turab cried as he took off a Pokeball out the belt of his pants that was on the floor and threw it at the fainted Zubat.

The Pokeball hit Zubat hard, and as it opened a red beam came out and absorbed the small bat Pokemon into the ball. It closed and fell off, hitting the ground. It started to wiggle, it seems that this Zubat is so stubborn in personality, and his characteristics are so amazing that he won't be captured easily, and the way he fought proven that perfectly.

Turab looked closely as the ball continued to wiggle, with the struggling Zubat inside. Growlithe look as well, hoping that this would be the end so he can fall down and rest.


to be continued...


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Character Count: 4903
Total Character Count: 26,999

NOTE: An attempt to Capture Zubat, which is a side Capture, I am aiming for the Trio (Elekid, Magby and Smoochum) So don't use the entire Character Count just for a Zubat please and thank you.
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Old 01-02-2011, 05:10 PM
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Elrond Offline
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Default Re: The Trio of a Deserted Playground

Introduction:

The prologue didn’t contain any information or events that were essential to the story. I know it seems like this was a dramatic way to start off the story: “this is where Pyros and Turab first met, and this is where they started it all!”… but at best it just comes off as cheesy. Prologues should contain something important to the plot, often foreshadowing future events. They should also be no less action-oriented than the rest of the story. For example, you could have cut out everything from the prologue except the flashback, which at the very least showed something happening.

Now, I’d like to talk about that flashback itself. Am I correct in assuming that the hurricane in the flashback is the same one that destroyed Winestrap Village? If so, that’s really the only part of the flashback that is at all relevant to the story. The way Turab rescued Growlithe doesn’t really matter in the context of the story because you don’t show it having an effect on their relationship or the events that occur in the story. One way to rectify this might be showing a more graphic description of how Turab rescued the Growlithe originally. For example, maybe Growlithe was trapped under a fallen log and Turab, despite being young and weak, exhausted himself in order to push the log off. Then, in the story itself, you could reverse the situation, with Growlithe using every ounce of energy, almost to the point of death, to return the favor.

That’s one example of how you could draw a connection between the prologue and the events of the story.

Now, for the future, keep in mind that you should begin your story by jumping right into the events. Then, lace information about the character and the setting into the action.

Story/Plot:

Well, it was alright, but based on this:

Quote:
NOTE: An attempt to Capture Zubat, which is a side Capture, I am aiming for the Trio (Elekid, Magby and Smoochum) So don't use the entire Character Count just for a Zubat please and thank you.
…I think you know that you’ve left off quite a bit of the story. The problem is, you never showed Turab going back to finish what he started with the elemental trio. This wouldn’t be a problem at all if you were attempting to capture the Zubat alone, and planned to continue the story in another installment which aimed for the three others. However, because you’re aiming for the trio along with Zubat, I have to be a little harsher and say that this story simply isn’t finished. Turab never overcame his main obstacle, the trio, so there’s a significant hole in the plot.

Because this is your first story, I’m not looking for a deep, suspenseful plot, but I do need to see that the story has a beginning, middle, and end that makes sense, and this story doesn’t have the ending that it needs.

Description/Detail:

I’ve just got a few things I’d like to discuss.

Quote:
"This good for nothing boy… all he ever do is dream of being an adventurer and a Pokemon Trainer! Him and that stupid puppy of his… he thinks that adventuring will bring him money and make him as reliable as he is now, not that he is anyway!" Mr. Stiffins said to him self as he was looking at Turab downloading the boxes from the truck into the storage-room.
There are two main problems with this paragraph. It’s true that you can use a character’s thoughts as a form of characterization, and this paragraph does show Mr. Stiffins’ personality. However, as the story is told from a limited third-person point of view—Turab’s point of view—it makes no sense for the reader to see Mr. Stiffins’ thoughts. Furthermore, the thoughts themselves are a bit unrealistic. I suppose I don’t speak for everyone, but I know that my thoughts aren’t constructed quite so neatly. Finally, seeing this part of Mr. Stiffins’ character is unnecessary to the story. He’s a very minor character, and all the reader really needs to know is that he’s Turab’s mean boss. The few times he yells establish that fact very well; Mr. Stiffins’ deeper opinions about Turab don’t move the story in any way.

Quote:
The apartment was kind of messy, there was food on the table, books on the sofa, soda on the television and clothes on his messy bed.
The first part of the sentence is unnecessary, because it’s vague. “Messy” could mean any number of things. Instead of telling the reader that the apartment was “messy,” it’s better to describe the mess itself. You did that shortly after, but the descriptors you used were not very vivid. You overused the word “was” here. “Was” is a form of the verb “to be,” which is often vague and can be replaced to create better images. I’ll rewrite this sentence without the first part, and without using the word “was” at all:

Quote:
Turab had to plug his nose as he walked through the apartment thanks to a foul odor wafting from the half-eaten sandwich on his dining room table. The already-cramped apartment seemed even smaller because Turab had covered every inch with clutter: The stack of books he had left on his sofa had collapsed, a soda can lay on top of the television in a small pool of sticky liquid, and Turab didn’t know if the pile of clothes laying on his bed had been washed yet.
Try thinking of other ways you could describe the mess in Turab’s apartment without simply saying, “There were...” or “There was…” Eliminating forms of the verb “to be” where they’re unnecessary, and replacing them with more descriptive verbs, can really help your story come alive.

Grammar/Style:

I noticed a lot of little grammar issues in this story, but there is one main one that I need to talk about first: tense. Most stories are written in the past tense; that is, the narrator is telling the story after it’s already happened. Some stories are written in the present tense, where the narrator is telling the story as it happens. The problem with your story is that you slip freely between the two. While I didn’t find myself confused at what was going on here, mixing the past and present tense in a story the way you did is grammatically incorrect and just looks sloppy. Here’s one example of where you did this:

Quote:
Turab has so many questions in his head as he went back to his lousy small studio-apartment on top of the store's roof.
Notice the two bolded words. “Has” describes something that is happening in the present, while “went” describes something that happened in the past. Based on context, both actions should be happening in the same time period, so which is it? Past or present? Once you pick whether your story is going to be in the past or the present, you need to make absolutely sure you stick with that choice. So, here’s the same sentence rewritten correctly twice, in either present or past tense:

Quote:
Present – “Turab has so many questions in his head as he goes back to his lousy small studio-apartment on top of the store’s roof.”

Past – “Turab had so many questions in his head as he went back to his lousy small studio-apartment on top of the store’s roof.”
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I also want to point out some smaller issues or places where you could improve your writing style. Don’t get too caught up in these, but do try to take them into account.

Quote:
On that boulder lied down a young man, he was in his early twenties.
The past tense of “lie” is “lay,” not “lied.” Also, I believe Turab was already laying on the rock when the narrator told about him, so the “down” is unnecessary.

Because “he was in his early twenties” could function as a sentence on its own, you also need a semicolon instead of that comma.

Quote:
“On that boulder lay a young man; he was in his early twenties.” – correctly written
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Quote:
Turab looked at her, and smiled, "Don't worry ma'am, I am so sorry to remind you both of that incident." The young Pokemon trainer said as he walked outside, towards the City Hall.
You put a comma after “smiled,” as if the quote was a continuation of that sentence, but that’s incorrect. Actually, the quote is the beginning of the next sentence, where you wrote that “the young Pokemon trainer said…” Therefore:

Quote:
Turab looked at her and smiled. “Don’t worry ma’am, I am so sorry to remind you both of that incident,’ the young Pokemon trainer said as he walked outside, towards the City Hall. – correctly written.
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Quote:
A huge beam was shot right straight at him.
This isn’t a grammatical error, it’s a problem with your writing style. This sentence is written in the passive voice, which means that the subject of the sentence, in this case “a huge beam,” is not the thing carrying out the action of the sentence, in this case “was shot.” I know you did this to keep the shooter a secret, but there are other ways to write the sentence that don’t reveal the shooter. Change the verb into something the beam can do. For example:

Quote:
A huge beam flew straight at him.
Now the subject (the beam) is doing the action (flying), so the sentence is in the active voice, which sounds much better.

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The last thing I’d like to point out are even smaller. First of all, you used the word “commenced” incorrectly quite a few times. “Commence” means “to begin or start,” but you used it in sentences such as “Growlithe commenced a Flamethrower attack,” where “commence” is supposed to mean “used.” Just stick with “Growlithe used a Flamethrower attack,” and leave out the word “commenced” from now on.

Finally, I think you need to proofread a little more. I saw one point where you used “play grown” to mean “playground,” then used “playground” correctly a sentence later. This is something you should have easily caught if you read through your story again.

Also, the way you colored every quote orange was really distracting.

Length:

32278 characters. More than enough for all four.

Battle:

The battle with Zubat seemed a little bit short, but I suppose you could make the case that it was already injured by the first Flamethrower Growlithe used while training. What I’m more concerned about is the battle with the trio – you know, the nonexistent one at the very end. I already mentioned in the plot section of this grade that you didn’t finish the story. Well, the reason we encourage a battle at the end of every story is to show that the character has overcome his main obstacle and put in some effort to catch the Pokemon he’s going after. But you never actually showed Turab overcoming that obstacle and rebattling the trio. There’s a whole lot of buildup, where Turab trains, and then… nothing.

Outcome:

Zubat captured, but if you want the trio, you need to finish the story and show Turab battling them. I can’t just allow you to leave such a hole in the plot. The entire plot leads up to the final battle, but that final battle isn’t there. You can PM me anytime for a regrade.
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SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
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<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:16 PM. Reason: I was perusing the last grader wages and noticed that you wanted us to add an exact character count. So, yeah...
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