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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-02-2011, 10:22 PM
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Default Poison Bite [SSC]

The young purple snake waited in the grass and mud. He watched the large creature in front of him as it walked through the pouring rain, towards him hesitantly. It had yet to see him, which the young Ekans knew was the only way he stood a chance. Though he would one day grow to be bigger and much more skilled than the creature he stalked, he was not yet powerful enough to take it out in a fair fight. He waited until the tall creature was close enough to touch with a flick of his forked tongue. Every muscle in his body twitched. And then he struck. He shot towards the creature and grabbed onto its arm. Ekan’s jaws were not fully developed and not nearly as powerful as they would be, but it hurt. The creature cried out in pain and grabbed the wound. It stumbled back and fell to the ground with a splash of mud. A round red and white contraption on its belt was knocked off and hit the ground, then with a flash of light and an unusual sound, there was a Slowking between the young predator and his prey.

The bipedal pink amphibian stood taller than her master and seemed much more experienced. She slowly reached her hand up to her neck, scratched beneath her red and white ruff, and yawned. The Shellder on her head bit down and injected its venom, but Slowking did even notice. She looked around with a blank look, then looked at her master who still lay on the ground clutching his arm, whining in pain. Through clenched teeth he squeaked, “Use Water Gun,” then passed out.

Slowking lazily took a deep breath and focused her attention on Ekans. She let out what seemed to be a thoughtful hmm. Then she forced out her breath, with pushed out a stream of swirling water to rival a fire hose. It hit Ekans head on, despite his efforts to dodge. He was knocked back into the mud by the attack which was made even more powerful by the bone chilling rain. Despite the pain Ekans was quickly back on his figurative feet. He slowly slithered towards his large opponent, making sure to keep eye contact. His eyes began to glow red and Slowking stared back. It seemed to do very little but soon Ekans was very close and could tell that the Glare had worked. Slowking was paralyzed. Ekans knew it wouldn’t last very long so he sped up. He crawled up her leg and continued to wrap himself around her. Just as Slowking regained control of her muscles. Ekans felt her twitch and bit down as hard as he could on her shoulder. Ekans knew it must have done a lot damage, but Slowking didn’t seem to even notice due to the nature of her species. Though he knew it had been effective, it was much less satisfying with no reaction.

Ekans didn’t have much time to brood over it though as it wasn’t long before Slowking was attacking again. Ekans tightened his grip around her in an effort to stop her but it was useless. Her eyes began to glow pink and Ekans knew what was coming. She released a burst of energy form her mind and Ekans head began to buzz and all he could think was pain. His grip loosened and he slipped to the ground circling Slowing’s feet. Ekans tried to focus and regain his willpower, but the pain in his head remain and was soon accompanied by worry when he saw that Slowpoke was beginning to use another Water Gun. He tried to compose himself to do anything at all, he knew he had lost.

“Stop,” Ekans hissed quietly. Slowking didn’t hear him and prepared to use her attack. “Stop!” he shouted this time. Slowking immediately halted her attack.

“Do you forfeit?” she asked in a slow voice that sounded unintelligent and full of wisdom at the same time. Ekans simply nodded to save his strength. Slowking’s eyes began to glow pink and Ekans feared she would finish him off, but he hadn’t the strength to protest. But instead of pain he felt a warmth spread from the tip of his tail to the end of his nose. The Healing Wave cured most of his wound and he was soon ready to run a marathon, but for his lack of feet. “You belong to Matt now that you gave up, even if he can‘t catch you.” Ekans simply nodded. He wasn’t happy about that. He didn’t want to belong to a trainer. Especially the wimpy ten year old boy lying in the mud.

Ekans could easily tell he was immature, if not by his reaction to the bite, then by looking at his clothes. His black sneakers had lights along the edge which lit up when he walked. He wore khaki shorts and a green t-shirt with a couple of cartoon characters, one resembling a Meowth, the other a Vulpix. He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt which did not match the color of his shirt, nor did it do much to keep him dry. Even his haircut was childish, though at the moment it was plastered to head by the rain.

Ekans regretted ever attacking the boy. He turned to Slowking and asked her, “How could he have ever caught a Slowking?” After he said it he realized he might offend the Slowking, but she didn’t seem to be.

“I was his father’s,” she yawned. She looked at the boy and then seemed to stare off into space.

“Will he be okay?” Ekans slithered closer to him and looked at the wound on his arm. It was bleeding a little, but the rain washed most of it away. The wound really wasn’t too bad.

“He is weak. We should get him to a Pokecenter.” It seemed little would offend her regarding Matt. She knew as well as anyone that he was wimpy and seemed to be quite blunt about it. Ekans was glad for that, as he preferred to be as blunt as her. Slowking tried to wake Matt by nudging his head with her foot and when that didn’t work she whipped with her tail. “It seems he will not wake up. I believe the closest town is in that direction.” She pointed in the direction they had come, east, and yawned. “I guess we’ll have to carry him there somehow. Until we find something better, we should each grab a leg.” Slowking grabbed a leg and threw it over her shoulder. Ekans wasn’t sure of the plan, but nevertheless he wrapped his tail around the other leg. They began walking, dragging the boy through the mud.

It wasn’t long before Matt was completely covered in mud. He also seemed to be stuck in the mud. No matter how hard they pulled him he wouldn’t budge. “Hmm, there must be a better way to do this.” Slowking mumbled, yawning again.

“Hey, look over there,” Ekans hissed. Nearby there was an old wooden bridge crossing over a small lake. And sitting on the bridge was a tackle box. “It must have been left by a fisherman when it started raining. There might be rope or something.” Slowking walked over to the bridge at a pace that was just a bit too slow for Ekans, who waited by Matt, but he didn’t mention it. It wasn’t too long before she was back with the box. Without a word she plopped it on the ground and began rummaging through it until she pulled out rope.

She cut to pieces off with her teeth and tied them to either leg. She tied the other end of one to Ekans’ tail and grabbed the other rope. With the help of the rope it was much easier to pull Matt our of the mud. They continued to pull him until they reached the bridge. It was a little rickety and more than a little bumpy. “This might be difficult,” Slowking said calmly. Then she saw a bright light on the other side of the bridge. It shined in her eyes so she couldn’t see the holder, But when the holder noticed Slowking and Ekans he lowered the light.

The man behind the flashlight was unremarkable, but appeared to be a cop. It also seemed he had been stuck in the rain at least as long as them. From his black hair to his blue uniform, he was completely soaked. But he didn’t seem to mind. “What are you two doing?” Slowking were rare, especially in that area, so he assumed she must belong to a trainer. Then he noticed Matt, laying on the ground covered in mud. “Are you trying to take him into town.” Slowking nodded at him. “To the Pokecenter?” Another nod, this time from Ekans. “I’ll give you a hand. Or four.” He chuckled at his joke as he released Pokemon, Machamp. While the joke was not funny, the large blue Pokemon did have four arms, and that would definitely be useful. The muscular Pokemon only glanced at his trainer before grabbing Matt with one hand and hoisting him over his shoulder.

They marched east the policeman and the flashlight in front, then Machamp, then Slowking and Ekans. It was much quicker with Machamp carrying Matt and it wasn’t long before they were right outside town. The policeman led them to the Pokemon Center and after the sliding doors opened themselves He stepped inside and tripped, coming crashing to the floor. Machamp sighed and said to Ekans and Slowking, “He’s a little dull, but his hearts in the right place,” as he picked him up off the ground with on of his three free hands. The policeman dusted himself off, and putting his flashlight on his belt, walked up to the Nurse at the counter.

Her nametag read Joy, but everyone knew this just by looking at her. Like all of her cousins and sisters who all worked at Pokecenters around the world, she had oddly styled bright red hair and looked just like the rest. The policeman didn’t have to say a word before a pair of Chansey had arrived with a bed to put the boy on. Machamp not so gently laid the boy down and he was brought though a door into the back. The nurse spoke to them in a kind voice with just the right amount of worry in it.

“You can wait over there.” She pointed to an area with chairs and tables. They all went to a table and sat in the chairs around it, except for Ekans, who lay on the floor. It wasn’t long before Matt emerged through the door he had gone back through. He looked much better. It seemed he had taken a shower and had his clothes washed. He walked to the table where everyone was sitting. He introduced himself to the police officer and said, “I was told you helped bring me here. Thank you.”

“No problem, its my duty to help people.”

Matt then looked at Ekans and Slowking. “So why are you still here? You lost didn’t you?” Both of the Pokemon nodded. Well then,” he said taking out a Pokeball, “I guess you’re mine.” He threw the Pokeball and it took in Ekans in a flash of light. It twitched…

I'm bad with titles. I know.
Target Pokemon: Ekans
Level: Simple
Characters Needed: 5000-10000
Characters: 10088
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Last edited by sammy0295; 04-07-2011 at 07:14 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2011, 07:31 AM
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Default Re: Poison Bite [SSC]

Introduction: Your introduction is good. It didn’t make me want to keep reading, but it was good. You start the story off with an Ekans who is hidden from sight and is waiting for his next meal to come by. A small 10 year old boy comes along, unaware that he is about to be bitten. Ekans bites him and he passes out. Then the battle starts. The description you give here is quite good for this level of Pokémon. I can see the Ekans waiting to strike as the boy gets closer. You presented the main characters and placed a setting for us to see. (though you could have went more in depth and told us the time of day/year, but it’s all good.) Although it didn’t totally grasp my attention and make me want to read more, it was good as far as introductions go.

Plot: This is a very simple plot that could have been a bit more interesting if you added some more action. It was just ‘Ekans is waiting for his prey. Boy comes along and gets bitten. Slowking comes out and they battle. Head to Pokémon Center. Catches Ekans.’ So yeah, a bit too simple. You could add why the boy was out in the rain in the first place. Also, maybe have them battle more or instead of a cop finding them have some bad person who wants to sell them for profit, whatever. I know it’s a story for a Simple Pokémon, but adding some more action to make the story more interesting wouldn’t hurt.

Dialogue: I didn’t see anything wrong with your dialogue. I could tell when someone new was talking so you pass this.

Grammar: I didn’t see much of a problem here. The mistakes I did find were minor ones such the examples below. I know you know these, but I just wanted to point it out. Also watch out for those typos, proofread it twice if necessary or get someone else to help you with that if needed. I know I have trouble finding mistakes in my own stories/papers because my eyes just skip over them and it doesn’t process:

Quote:
“With the help of the rope it was much easier to pull Matt our of the mud.”
Should be out, I bolded it. Pretty sure it’s just a typo so watch out for these like I said.

Quote:
It shined in her eyes so she couldn’t see the holder, but when the holder noticed Slowking and Ekans he lowered the light.
‘But’ doesn’t need to be capitalized here.

Quote:
“Are you trying to take him into town’?
That is a question so it needs a question mark.

Quote:
“No problem, its my duty to help people.”
This should be ‘it’s’, it is my duty to help people.

Quote:
He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt which did not match the color of his shirt, nor did it do much to keep him dry.
This sentence would sound a lot better like:

Quote:
He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt, which did not match, and it certainly wasn't helping him stay dry.
Try not to repeat words in the same sentence as it often times doesn't sound right.

Quote:
"He stepped inside and tripped, coming crashing to the floor."
Coming should be came, and throw 'and' in front of came.

Quote:
Ekans knew it must have done a lot of damage, but Slowking didn’t seem to even notice due to the nature of her species.
Another typo, you forgot 'of'.

Like I said, I am pretty sure you know these. Other than that, I didn’t see much of a problem with your grammar.

Detail: You had great detail. I could picture what the boy looked like and both Ekans and Slowking. The description of the cop was a bit sketchy, but I got the general idea of how a cop looks so you’re good here. I particularly liked the description of the boy, especially the part about his light up sneakers. That helped me visualize how the boy looked and how the Ekans saw him. So yeah, do more of what's in the quote below.

Quote:
Ekans could easily tell he was immature, if not by his reaction to the bite, then by looking at his clothes. His black sneakers had lights along the edge which lit up when he walked. He wore khaki shorts and a green t-shirt with a couple of cartoon characters, one resembling a Meowth, the other a Vulpix. He wore a dark green jacket over his shirt which did not match the color of his shirt, nor did it do much to keep him dry. Even his haircut was childish, though at the moment it was plastered to head by the rain.
The attacks in the battle were also described well; I could see them using the moves without a problem. Although the description of the characters and moves was good, the setting description wasn’t that great. More small stuff like the quote below would be great. It will create the setting in the mind of the reader which will make your story that much better.

Quote:
‘Nearby there was an old wooden bridge crossing over a small lake.’
It’s small and doesn’t seem like much, but stuff like this can really help the reader picture more of the surroundings. You’re good at describing the characters, now apply that to the surroundings ;]

Length: Ekans = Simple = 5-10k
You = 10k+ = Good

Reality: Didn’t see anything that I had to question.

Battle: The battle was a bit short. Slowking used Water Gun and I’m guessing Psychic. Ekans used Glare and Bite and it was all over. Yeah Slowking is strong and Ekans is young and not that strong yet (and weak to Psychic moves), but a longer battle would have been nice. Maybe have them dish out a few more attacks; Ekans could even attack at a distance if you wanted to.

Outcome: For a Simple Pokémon, the plot was okay. Though a longer battle would have been nice, that isn’t going to hold you back from Ekans, especially with the description you had in this story. Just watch out for those typos and grammar errors. So without further ado...


Congrats, you captured the snake.

Any questions/comments/concerns feel free to PM me
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