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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 01-14-2011, 04:13 AM
FrozenPika Offline
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: A forest at the top of a mountain
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Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Grimore Key (Story dead)

Well, something will be posted here I guess. ^^;

Last edited by FrozenPika; 09-02-2011 at 11:00 PM. Reason: Removing posts
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  #2  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:53 AM
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Scytherwolf Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Grimore Key

Quote:
“Why me, why not Daniel or Claire?”
Should have a period after 'me' and 'why not Daniel or Claire?' should be a new sentence.
Quote:
She sighed turning the water on and spraying the plants one by one
This should have a comma after 'sighed'.
Quote:
but like all teens, she needs her space and that wasn’t something she would get easily from her parents
Should be 'needed'.


I like the start to this story; it has a bit of mystery although nothing much has happened yet. I'm already wondering what that book has to do with everything, as well as the mysterious 'key'. One thing I'm unsure of, though...does Kayla live in the pokemon world? It would seem like she would, since Mystery Dungeon humans know about pokemon (and are surprised to see them talk xD) but there was no mention of pokemon in this chapter. Does it just not mention them or is your story setting more like the real world?

I like how you made Kayla seem selfish and lazy at first, but then you show that she's not always that way, seeing how she cared to find out who the owner of the old book was. Also, you didn't mention this, but was there writing in the book? It seems like she would have looked through it, so I'm guessing there's not, but I'll wait and see.

You have a good start so far and I'm looking forward to seeing what the plot of this story is.
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  #3  
Old 01-29-2011, 01:20 AM
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Scytherwolf Offline
 
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Grimore Key

Sorry this reply is late. DX

Chapter 1:

Quote:
She smiled sitting the book on her desk.
There should be a comma after 'smiled'.
Quote:
“This isn’t so bad…” She smiled wrapping the cloth around her paw. “It looks to be a very bad burn though, where did you get such a burn?”
I'm kind of confused...at first she was saying it wasn't so bad, then she said it was a very bad burn. o.O
Quote:
The Grimer were thrown back, some into the risky-looking water and others slammed into trees, spattering on impact.
The tree shattered, right? (Kind of confusing sentence). It seems a little odd that a grimer could shatter a tree. o:


Chapter 2:
Quote:
The swamp at night was ominous and very treacherous; many deadly Pokémon would come out at this hour and they didn’t hesitate to attack travelers instead of their natural targets.
I'm wondering why the pokemon seem to attack without reason to. o.O
Quote:
he started beating the other’s face in. each punch digging deeper into the Pokémon’s face,
That period should be a comma.
Quote:
The being turned away, walking into the darkness and vanishing, a faint light shot towards Kayla, blinding her.
The 'a faint light' part should be a new sentence.


Hm...I don't remember it mentioned in the first part that the book had a lock. Maybe you should add that in there. I thought it was interesting that Kayla was being interrupted when she was trying to open the book, and that mysterious stranger had to stop him. The part where she was falling was pretty interesting, too.

In the second chapter, I was really curious as to why the toxicroaks were fighting. Then when some of the pokemon were talking about the pokemon in the swamp being violent, it made me think that something strange must be going on to make them that way. I'm curious about that raichu's mate; it seems like whatever happened to the pokemon happened to him too. And that ghostly rapidash and other pokemon were pretty strange. I'm interested to know more about them, and also, what that treecko was doing.
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  #4  
Old 01-29-2011, 04:51 AM
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Scytherwolf Offline
 
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Grimore Key

Quote:
Gah! DX I didn't catch that, I must have been distracted when I wrote the part about the burn...^^;

Oh, I was implying that the Grimer, being made of slime/muck/and such, slammed into the tree and it kinda exploded.
Ohhh. XD So which was it? It seemed like (when I was reading the story) it was only a minor burn, but I'm not sure.

Oh, okay. Well 'shattered' was probably the wrong word, because something like a grimer wouldn't shatter. XD



Quote:
Predator Pokemon or in this case, like the Toxicroak. :3

Oh, I just mentioned the double-spiral mark there, not the actual lock...looks like I got to go back and check that.

I've been playing Kingdom Hearts so much that I think the intros influenced me there with the falling part.

Oh, you'll know more soon. And thank you for pointing out that error in the beginning, I didn't even notice it until you said it.
Oh, okay. I wasn't sure if they were all predators or there was something strange about them.

You're welcome. ^^ I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
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  #5  
Old 03-22-2011, 11:22 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Grimore Key

(Sorry for the late reply. >.<)

Quote:
Kayla groaned by obeyed
But obeyed
Quote:
trying to see her paw clearly in the darkness; her vision was still adjusting to the inky darkness.
You used the word 'darkness' in the same sentence...maybe replace one of them with another word.

Quote:
She smiled pulling the bucket back up.
Needs a comma.
Quote:
Johnny and Hanna looked at him concerned.
This too.
Quote:
unlocking the collar’s clip with his teeth and managing to get it around his neck. A faint sound garnered a smile on his face; tapping the front of the collar made a small light illuminate the area slightly in-front of him.
I liked this part a lot for some reason. Smart vulpix. I like how he had a device he could use for light that would work for a four-legged pokemon.


At first I was a little confused as to what was going on, but I think most of that was just not having a good memory of what was happening right at the end of the chapter before. I think at the beginning of Chapter Three, you should recap what happened in the previous chapter a bit, possibly by showing what Kayla was thinking at the time, or something like that. It was also a little hard to keep track of all the characters' species, so maybe you should mention what each one was more often (I'm talking more about the scenes with several characters interacting.) Some of them had their species mentioned often enough, but others I was a bit confused about.

Odd that the pokemon around there are so concerned with a burn mark. I'm wondering if it's really part of some prophecy or just the pokemon being mistaken and causing mayhem because of it. And it's interesting that some of the pokemon are using weapons. There has to be something about the weapons that makes them especially dangerous, otherwise normal pokemon attacks would be far more effective. I'm interested to learn more about them.

So far, I like this new vulpix character, and I like that he managed to stumble upon the book. I doubt he thinks it's of any importance at the moment. Irony! And he recognized that strange mark...I have a feeling he'll be an important character later on.

So that toxicroak is the rapidash's slave? I guess that makes me pretty sure he wants nothing to do with killing, and probably not anything that rapidash does, by the way he was acting. Speaking of which, I love the idea of a rapidash villain. It isn't the sort of pokemon you'd expect to be evil, yet it's also the sort that could be very threatening and sinister if it was. I'm curious to learn more about him.
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