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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-07-2011, 10:25 AM
shinjiniisan's Avatar
shinjiniisan Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Rio de Janeiro,RJ,Brazil
Posts: 23
Default Simply Sewaddle

While I strolled down Pinwheel Forrest, I looked up in a tree’s direction, I saw a bug nest in the tree’s top, curious as I am; I went there to check it out, after climbing a few trees, get real dirty and almost twist my foot, I found the nest where I saw a family that consisted of two Leavanny, one Swadloon and a Sewaddle, I hid myself quickly, so I wouldn’t startle them and make them flee, specially because I wanted to catch a bug Pokémon, and a bug that can be used against rock and water types sounded just wonderful to me.

I would patiently await mother and father Leavanny to leave, so I and my Litwick would be able to catch a Sewaddle, although a little voice in my voice that was power-thirsty said to catch the Swadloon, a more lucid voice said to not be greedy and catch a Sewaddle, this time I chose to listen to the lucid one, Sewaddle was a small Pokémon, creating bonds would be the ideal way to make a new partner.

After some minutes, the parents left the nest probably to pick up some food, they quickly left I approached the nest, a Sewaddle ,growled indicating that he wanted to battle, but its sister Swadloon barged in, to try to protect her sister.

Go Litwick,-I said as I freed the little candle Pokémon from its pokeball-we got to defeat he Swadloon to catch the Sewaddle over there, so what do you say, worth it?

Litwick replied happily, and prepared to use his most powerful moves if needed.

Litwick, use Shadow Ball-I said, afraid to use fire moves as both Sewaddle and Swadloon had a lethal weakness to fire, not to mention that it could lit the forest on fire, carbonizing me, the forest and every single living being that there lived.-and dodge any attacks that Swadloon might use!

Swadloon used Protect to defend herself, and used GrassWhistle, although Litwick remained safe, it was put to sleep, and after that received Bug Bite.

Litwick, hang on!-I shouted, I didn’t foresee Swadloon’s strength-Why won’t you wake up soon?

After a few minutes filled with Bug Bites Litwick awoke, then I ordered him to use a fire combo,I didn’t care about the possibility of starting a fire anymore, I just wanted to defeat her.

Litwick-I shouted angrily-Inferno followed by Overheat and Flame Burst!!

Swadloon used Protect to defend herself, but didn’t manage to defend herself from all the attacks and was hit full force by Overheat and Flame Burst, she didn’t resist and was knocked unconscious, Sewaddle, however didn’t plan to be nice after the battle, he however used String Shot to swing from tree to tree.

But I wasn’t going to give up, not after all the trouble I had to await the parents’ leave and to defeat Swadloon I was determined to catch that Sewaddle ,and so I grabbed the first vine I saw and started to swing myself in order to follow that Sewaddle.

After a while I finally got to it, but now he wanted a battle ,I was extremely pissed off, but since I love battles ,I gave it a shot.

Go, Litwick, this is the last battle before we get the prize-Litwick replied tiredly but happily and was preparing an Inferno, when I stopped him, once luck helped us, but there could be no second shot, and so we could lit the forest on fire-Shadow Ball instead, Lit!

Litwick attacked with Shadow Ball, but Sewaddle got out of the way using String Shot, and then used Bug Bite on Litwick. Bug Bite wouldn’t even faze Litwick in normal conditions ,but the crazy swinging after Sewaddle and the battle with Swadloon had tired him out and Litwick was getting tired, so I had no more choices, I would have to use my secret combo.

Litwick-use Shadow Ball, followed by Confuse Ray-I said foreseeing my victory-now!

Sewaddle escaped Shadow Ball, but couldn’t escape Confuse Ray which was the one I wanted to hit since the beginning.

I knew that now that he was confused it was over, he wouldn’t be able to escape any of my attacks, so I said with gleeful smile:

Shadow Ball, Litwick!

The attack was strong and made opponent faint, I took my pokeball and caught it, after that I headed to Hiun city, not only to heal my most new addition to the team, but also to get a Beetle Badge.

Characters needed:3k~5k
Characters with spaces:4082
Character without space:3352

Plz comment!!
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Last edited by shinjiniisan; 04-07-2011 at 11:46 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:07 PM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: Simply Sewaddle

Actually sorry, dropping this story. I don't have time to grade anymore D:
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  #3  
Old 09-12-2011, 07:03 AM
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sorocoroto Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: BMG
Posts: 7
Default Re: Simply Sewaddle

hello, I'm from the BMG and saw that you've been waiting a long time, so I'm going to claim this. Hopefully you are still around!

Also, you are my first PE2K claim.
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Here to do Wages, Grade Stories, and Parks Runs that start here.
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  #4  
Old 09-12-2011, 06:26 PM
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sorocoroto Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: BMG
Posts: 7
Default Re: Simply Sewaddle

Intro
My first impressions of the story on a whole.

You started off your story by stating a place in the Pokémon world. However, when writing, you should assume that people have little-no idea to anything Pokémon. Even if someone did know what the Pinwheel Forest was, they might not know what it looks like besides some trees. And opening paragraph is supposed to draw the readers in with interesting description or some action. While not all good stories have a hook, most of them do. Yours was that your main character wanted to catch a Bug-type Pokémon.

A way to alter your beginning slightly is to have it contain the battle between Swadloon and Litwick, and then explain how you got to that point. It you want to stray away from a cliché like that, you could start off saying that you stalked your target until it was left unprotected by the mother and father Leavanny. This way, the reader will think things like: “Why is this character trying to attack a Pokémon?” “Am I supposed to like this character?” “Would the mother and father come back later to help their kids? And then they will read on to find the answers.

While it’s fine for an Easiest story, you should think more about your hook at Medium+.

Plot/Reality
What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

So overall, your plot is solid, though I had trouble with your formatting, but that will be in the grammar section.

The main character wants to catch a bug Pokémon to add to their team and the added grass type adds to the appeal of catching a member of the Sewaddle family. The MC concentrates on catching the youngest so that they could form a stronger bond and uses their Litwick to fight both Swadloon and then eventually Sewaddle.

My only problems with your plot are two things:

1) The battle between Swadloon and Litwick seems really one-sided, your Litiwck using three moves one after the other. To have an interesting battle, you would want the sides to seem fair, even if one has a clear advantage. A good battle draws the reader in and makes them root for one or the other. In this case, I was rooting for Swadloon, because it just seemed to sit there and not try to dodge or anything. I understand that you wanted the main battle to be between Litwick and Sewaddle, but don’t write to get a Pokémon out of the way.

2) You seemed to make is seem like you were going to a gym that Sewaddle would do well at. A bug gym doesn’t seem like the right type, since it is also part grass. This was just a minor thing, but I wanted to bring it up, because it seemed kind of random.


Details:
What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

My main concern here is that you need more description of the battling and of the Pokémon. Again, pretend that the readers don’t know what anything Pokémon looks like. This gives you creative potential with the moves.

This is especially important in the battle. For instance you say:

Quote:
Litwick-use Shadow Ball, followed by Confuse Ray-I said foreseeing my victory-now!

Sewaddle escaped Shadow Ball, but couldn’t escape Confuse Ray which was the one I wanted to hit since the beginning.
This is boring. It’s like battling without battle animations on. Turn that on and describe what you imagine the scene looks like. Remember, you might know every detail of your story, but the reader doesn’t.

For example: Sewaddle sprung up, dodging the dark purple orbs of Ghost-like energy, which crashed into the tree behind her. However, Litwick wasn’t finished. His eyes started to glow violet and waves pulsated out of them, soared through the air, and knocked into Sewaddle. When Sewaddle landed, it was stumbling around, tripping on her own feet.

See how you get a bigger picture and more characters too, so another incentive for details.

Secondly, you seem to constantly change the genders of the Pokémon. This quote shows you doing it three times.
Quote:
I approached the nest, a Sewaddle growled indicating that he wanted to battle, but its sister Swadloon barged in, to try to protect her sister.
So in one (run-on) sentence, you managed to change Sewaddle from a male to genderless and then finally female. Please keep this consistent, as it is unsettling.


Grammar:
What your high school english teacher would point out.


Where do I begin? Alright, you need to start using periods. The first paragraph is just one long run on sentence. Commas alone can be used to join sentences together, they are not semi-colons. And on that note, you shouldn’t use semi-colons all the time because it’s not nice too look at. There are so many instances of run-on, so I’m just going to go over the first.

Quote:
While I strolled down Pinwheel Forrest, I looked up in a tree’s direction, I saw a bug nest in the tree’s top, curious as I am; I went there to check it out, after climbing a few trees, get real dirty and almost twist my foot, I found the nest where I saw a family that consisted of two Leavanny, one Swadloon and a Sewaddle, I hid myself quickly, so I wouldn’t startle them and make them flee, specially because I wanted to catch a bug Pokémon, and a bug that can be used against rock and water types sounded just wonderful to me.
Now let’s break it up. First off, “I looked up” is one sentence. Secondly, “curious as I am” isn’t modifying “I saw” but the next sentence “I went there.” To determine which is it, you say, “I saw a bug, because curious as I am?” That doesn’t work. “I went there to check it out, curious as I am?” Yes, that works and makes more sense, so no semi colon, but a comma.

Next, get real dirt and almost twist my foot is not a sentence. I think you’re trying to hook it to the subject, so you need to keep the tenses the same. Also, that would make “am” to “was.” You shouldn’t change tenses in the paragraph.

Also, “specially” is wrong. “Especial” and “special” have similar means, but there is a distinct difference. “Special” doesn’t need to be compared against anything, while “especial” implies that something less good exists

Quote:
I hid myself quickly, so I wouldn’t startle them and make them flee, specially because I wanted to catch a bug Pokémon, and a bug that can be used against rock and water types sounded just wonderful to me.
In this case, there is a less good situation, the bugs getting startled and fleeing.

The rest just sentences so here is how you should go about it:

Quote:
While I strolled down Pinwheel Forrest, I looked up in a tree’s direction. I saw a bug nest in the tree’s top. Curious as I was, I went there to check it out, and after climbing a few trees, I got real dirty and almost twisted my foot. I found the nest where I saw a family that consisted of two Leavanny, one Swadloon and a Sewaddle. I hid myself quickly, so I wouldn’t startle them and make them flee, especially because I wanted to catch a bug Pokémon, and a bug that can be used against rock and water types sounded just wonderful to me.
The last sentence is a not a run on, but a complex compound sentence.



Next biggest issue is that you incorrectly use dashes. They can’t be used for dialogue, but instead to emphasize a change in thought. You have to use quotation marks, or else it just looks sloppy. The reason why quotation marks are used are because they are in the upper half of a line and therefore easier to see. The reader is able to take this and know that it is dialogue. However, dashes are in the middle and gets lost among the sea of letters. Again, you use it every time so if you see dialogue, you should change it. And don’t forget with dialogue tags, instead of periods, you use commas.

But besides those, you had fine grammar. Sometimes though, you would have the comma next to the wrong word. Remember that commas come directly after the word, never before:

Quote:
but since I love battles ,I gave it a shot.
It should be

Quote:
but since I love battles, I gave it a shot.



Length:
The length of time it felt like to read this story.

Was a hard read, so it took longer to get through, but it fits in the CC. Just remember to use periods to prevent run-on sentences and use quotations so that a reader can get through it.


Personal Feelings:
Really? I have these?

This story has potential, but due to your odd choice of using dashes instead of quotations, your grade suffered.. You seem to have potential for plot, just remember to elaborate on the attacks. A good battle creates a good climax, but it isn't the only way you can go about it. Read some of the other stories that have captures, and get some ideas of your own


Conclusion:
One Liner Wrap Ups

Plot/Reality: Bug/Grass not good against other Bugs.
Details: I wrote a one liner.
Grammar: This is a sentence, this is a sentence, this whole thing is a run-on.
Length: So many commas, so many breaks in reading.


Verdict:
Spoiler:

Sewaddle:
Spoiler:



Besides the two major grammar issues and lack of detail in the battle, you have a solid plot (up to that one detail at the end). However, it wasn’t enough to fail you. And yes, you can fail easiest stories. I have. But lucky for you, you’re a good writer with a lot of potential. Sorry that this story wasn’t claimed in like months.



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Here to do Wages, Grade Stories, and Parks Runs that start here.
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