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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 07-17-2011, 07:20 PM
Mike Posner's Avatar
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Default Last day of school, summer holidays.

Last day of school

It was the last day of school before the summer holidays and i was just sitting there waiting for the last hour to go by.
“Pay attention Mike!” my teacher yelled, at me.

“Now what is steel weak against?”
“Fire.” I said in a inattentive tone.

*BRRRRRING *

The bell went and i was getting my bag and emptying my draw and as i approched the exit to get myself out of this disinteresting school the teacher approached me,
“Mike have a good holiday you deserve it for all you have dont this year.”


I did not understand what she ment by “all you have done this year.”
All i have done this year is sleep through 20 minutes of registration, feel half asleep in the first and second periods and hardly do any work.

So i walked out of the classroom confused, then i saw around 23 people gathering around in a circle shouting go Aron and go Nuzleaf.

I quickly ran over to find that it was a Pokemon battle between two of my friends and that one of them was in serious damage because that Grass type moves are not effective against steel type Pokemon.
I ran over and told them to stop the battle because clearly Nuzleaf had no chance against the fierce Aron with its' defence so high.

They would not stop the battle so the only thing i could do is run over to a teacher and call him/her over to stop the battle, but i remembered my reputation, in my school if you tell a teacher about something then you are a snitch. and the last guy i remember who snitched was left on a tree for 5 hours after school until his mum fount him there with the police.
I was hesitating, battles in my school were not the same as a random battle between two trainers, the winner will have to take the other trainers Pokemon and make sure they do not snitch.

I felt sorry for the Nuzleaf trainer because clearly it had no chance i just wish i could help it some way with out telling a teacher.

A thought came into my mind faster than a blink of an eye then straight away i scurried over to the battle and stopped it,
“ Lets have a double battle me and Trev (the trainer with the Nuzleaf) against 2 of your Pokemon, what do you say?..........
You aren't scared are you?”

“Hahahaha, of who you?” he said after me.

So the battle began,

I sent out my Darmanitan and he sent out another Aron,
I had this battle in the bag, i remembered from Miss Kelly's class that Steel is weak against fire.

“Use Flare Blitze.” I commanded directly to Darmanitan.
5 red pebbles appeared before Darmanitan and they looked like they were getting bigger until Darmanitan let go.

Everything went cloudy, the teachers sensed it so then they ran over and sent us all home.
But atleast Trev did not have to give up his Nuzleaf.

So that was my last day of school.
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2011, 07:55 PM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

You told me you were writing this. <3 Just spotted a few mistakes, but otherwise it's good. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
It was the last day of school before the summer holidays and i was just sitting there waiting for the last hour to go by.
You need to capitalise the 'i' here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
“Pay attention Mike!” my teacher yelled, at me.
You don't need the comma there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
The bell went and i was getting my bag and emptying my draw and as i approched the exit to get myself out of this disinteresting school the teacher approached me, “Mike have a good holiday you deserve it for all you have dont this year.”
You've overused the word 'and' here. You should change it into separate sentences, or change the connective.

Quote:
The bell went as I was getting my bag and emptying my drawer. As I approached the exit of this disinteresting school...
'Draw' should be 'drawer'/

I think you meant 'done' not 'dont'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
I did not understand what she ment by “all you have done this year.”
It's 'meant' not 'ment'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
All i have done this year is sleep through 20 minutes of registration, feel half asleep in the first and second periods and hardly do any work.
You should always try to write numbers as words, not actual numbers. Unless it is a really long number, like 101, or something. I personally change all numbers into words, but you might only want to change numbers up to twenty, or something.

'Fell' not 'feel'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
So i walked out of the classroom confused, then i saw around 23 people gathering around in a circle shouting go Aron and go Nuzleaf.
You should probably write it as;

Quote:
"go Aron" and "go Nuzleaf".
Because it's basically like speech.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
I quickly ran over to find that it was a Pokemon battle between two of my friends and that one of them was in serious damage because that Grass type moves are not effective against steel type Pokemon.
Damage doesn't seem to fit here. I'd change it to 'trouble'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
I ran over and told them to stop the battle because clearly Nuzleaf had no chance against the fierce Aron with its' defence so high.
Change that to 'high defence' because what you have at the moment doesn't seem to make sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
They would not stop the battle so the only thing i could do is run over to a teacher and call him/her over to stop the battle, but i remembered my reputation, in my school if you tell a teacher about something then you are a snitch.
That comma should be a semi-colon, or a dash.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
and the last guy i remember who snitched was left on a tree for 5 hours after school until his mum fount him there with the police.
Capital 'a' for the start of a new sentence.

Change '5' to 'five'.

'Found' not 'fount'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
I was hesitating, battles in my school were not the same as a random battle between two trainers, the winner will have to take the other trainers Pokemon and make sure they do not snitch.
I'd change 'will have' to 'would get' because otherwise it kinda sounds like they're being forced to taje the other's Pokemon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
“Lets have a double battle me and Trev (the trainer with the Nuzleaf) against 2 of your Pokemon, what do you say?.......... You aren't scared are you?”
'Two' not '2'.

Only ever use three periods at once. Otherwise it looks overdone, and is wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
“Use Flare Blitze.” I commanded directly to Darmanitan.
The full stop should be a comma, as otherwise it reads as (if you take out the speech marks);

Quote:
Use Flare Blitze. I commanded directly to Darmanitan.
When it should be all one sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
5 red pebbles appeared before Darmanitan and they looked like they were getting bigger until Darmanitan let go.
Again, it should be 'five' not '5'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
Everything went cloudy, the teachers sensed it so then they ran over and sent us all home.
I'd change that comma to a semi-colon, otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
But atleast Trev did not have to give up his Nuzleaf.
'At least' is two words, not one.

You need to capitalise all your 'i's as well.

Hope this helped. [:
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  #3  
Old 07-17-2011, 08:10 PM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

Thanks for pointing that stuff out Elecii :).

I was actually going to go over it just to check and use different language so by tomorrow i would have edited it.
But again still thanks.
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  #4  
Old 07-17-2011, 08:38 PM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Posner View Post
Thanks for pointing that stuff out Elecii :).

I was actually going to go over it just to check and use different language so by tomorrow i would have edited it.
But again still thanks.
Your welcome. [:

Aha, well I did it first. >:] Nah, only joking.

I really like this though. :3
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  #5  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:32 AM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

Is this a one shot? I would like to read more
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  #6  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:39 AM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

Thanks both of you:).

No i will be posting more through out the summer holidays the next one is going to be about 1st day of Summer.
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  #7  
Old 07-18-2011, 03:11 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

First day of summer 2011

It was the first day of summer, i knew in a day my birthday was coming up so i tried my best not to ask my mother what she was going to get me.

I woke up 6:00am with the smell of summer in the air, i went downstairs to recieve my breakfast.
Hmmm, pancakes.
I always get pancakes on a Saturday morning and it always s=taste the same but today there was just something different about it, it tasted like... like summer.
I know that is very unlickely for a pancake to taste the same as summer but it just did.
After i had finnished my summer pancakes i ran back upstairs and quickly turned on my PS3 and did not get off for 3 hours(3 hours of playstation is bad for you kids).

My mum necessitated me out of the house like some kind of house pet and threw my pokeball at me.
"Go and enjoy yourself, outside." my mum said to me.
Without responding i walked off.

I promenaded to the park that i always go to when i get kicked out of my house but it was not there. I was shocked to see mud all over my favourite park, i advanced over to investigate the scene. There were men in stripy Black and White colours standing there as if they were gaurding it.

I deserted the place i was standing and walked over to the men.
"What happend here?" i inquired them.

"Non of your bussiness, now shoot you little rat." The tall man retaliated.

I ran back home to tell my mum what i had discovered, but she already knew.
I asked her who those men were and she replied,
"They are Team Evil Nature , they are here helping the world grow and if it means taking down parks then it shall be."
I didn't understand her sudden change in tone. It's almost as if she was angry that i ahd brought that question up.

I had nothing to do at home so i went to check out the park again, well what was left of it atleast.
The guards were still there, it looked as if they had not moved at all sicne i last saw them.
But it was dark now and i could see a light shining beyond the pile of mud that was left at the entrance of the park.


( i will add more later)
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  #8  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:04 PM
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Default Re: Last day of school, summer holidays.

I would write this in Word first, to catch all of the mistakes. I'm not going to correct any of them.
Anyway, not a bad story here.
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