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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-29-2011, 12:44 AM
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Post Short stories by austbot

Vampire Trust



As I walked down the street, the light posts reflected the shine from my burgundy red hair. I had been told for years that it was the shade of the sun its self, which is why people had nicknamed me “Apollo.” But I never actually had seen a relation between the two. Then again, I was always called stubborn, so hell, it might have actually looked like the sun. People had treated me differently because of my hair color, and it was all because of a stupid cartoon, called North Ranch. They had said in a specific episode, that gingers (People with red hair.) do not have souls, and as such, growing up I got into a lot of trouble because of it.

But, while I kept walking, a small store had caught my attention. I stopped walking and marveled at the sign, “Myths and Misconceptions.” It had read. I had always been one for a good myth or horror story, and as such, the thought of seeing a store dedicated to this was just absolutely delightful. I mentally jumped up and down, and then rushed through the door almost forgetting that I wasn’t dreaming. An old man, probably in his late sixties, or early seventies had greeted me then went back to reading his book, which was Van Hruken’s Vampire city. Amazing book, I quietly thought to my self, as I walked around appraising everything that he had on the shelves. And I must say, he had a marvelous collection, going all the way from, Aliens to Werewolves.

For younger people, he had little figurines of common movie monsters on display, as well as old monster movies. But what had really caught my eye was a simple doorway with a sign above it which had read, “If you wish to hear true tales of monsters, please come upstairs.” The thought of actually hearing about true encounters with these beasts was so… It was so astounding, that I had rushed up the stairs and nearly tripped three times. The upstairs of the store was crude, and disgusting compared to the first floor.

There was mold growing on the ceiling, water leaking and ruining the old hardwoods, and a horrible stench, that reeked of death. And then, I heard another door being slammed, though it had sounded like it had happened in a far away land that I could never visit. As I passed the banister and was able to see over it, I noticed a little girl, who was sitting in a chair humming the tune to some popular hip hop song. I did not recognize it, because well, hip hop is just not my style, you know?

Quickly, I had muttered something that made no sense at all. “Monsters, rain, death, what?”

The little girl quietly looked back at me and smiled with great joy in hear eyes. “It’s the first time someone has come and seen me, that is not my grandfather, in a long time. Welcome, what is it that you wish to hear about? Fights between vampires and werewolves perhaps? Or how about how an innocent human was drawn into a trap by a couple of vampires who turned him into one of them?”

“It does not matter to me little girl, I’m here to listen, as long as you wish to speak.” I smiled back at her, and she begun telling me a tale of a vampire falling in love with a human. It was a heart breaking story, especially at the end, where the vampire had to kill her love, in order to protect her own family. And that was why I started going to that little store everyday for the next three years.

Her name was Natalie, and she was about six when I had met her. It felt good seeing her age, considering the fact that I thought of her as my own daughter, considering I was ten years her elder. I treated her as if she was my own daughter, took her to the movies, played with her on the park, hell, I even took her to a few dates with a boy she had met. Though, as with all good things, time destroys it. This was true, even in history, the Roman empire for example.

One day, Natalie had called me to come over to the store, she sounded flustered so I began to worry. I rushed up stairs, greeting her grandfather on the way, and forced my self to get to her as fast as possible. When I saw her I started running, and hugged her asking if she was all right. Little did I know that she had been planning this the entire time…

“Oh, I am just fine. Though, it is your time to die.”

And then, a door was slammed. It was the door to the stairs, and up walked her grandfather. He started to growl, much like he was a wolf. Hair started to grow at extreme speeds all over his body, and he got down on all fours and resembled a werewolf in everyway. Natalie pushed me away and showed two pointy fangs and hissed out violently.

“Remember that story about the vampire falling in love with a human then killing him? I was that vampire.”

I tried to scream as loud as I could, though nothing would come out. I guess the pure fright in me was what was keeping me from protecting my self. I wanted to believe that Natalie was good, and would not hurt a soul, so I stood there, motionless, crying because I knew then, that she would trick anyone, just to get some blood. Hell, she would even make them feel as if they was her parent. I cried even more than before, and then fell to my knees, as the entire world went black and I couldn’t not see or feel anything.

I guess, the moral is, don’t trust people, because if you do they will just hurt you in the end.
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Old 10-29-2011, 12:56 AM
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Default Re: Vampire Trust ( Short Story)

I, honestly, got hooked at the thought of vampires, werewolves, and monsters (Mythos fanatic much). I honestly almost cried at the end, it just seems somewhat sad that Natalie ends up killing the main character, who seems to be un-named.

You hid the fact that Natalie was a vampire quite well; I was honestly tricked until her grandfather ended up growling.

Overall, a fine story, it would get a 4/5 from me if, for some odd reason, I needed to score it from one to five.

EDIT: Durring the first half, random music was playing, but at the end, If I Die by The Band Perry was playing xD
Unfittinf->Fitting much.
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Old 10-29-2011, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: Vampire Trust ( Short Story)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonKit View Post
I, honestly, got hooked at the thought of vampires, werewolves, and monsters (Mythos fanatic much). I honestly almost cried at the end, it just seems somewhat sad that Natalie ends up killing the main character, who seems to be un-named.

You hid the fact that Natalie was a vampire quite well; I was honestly tricked until her grandfather ended up growling.

Overall, a fine story, it would get a 4/5 from me if, for some odd reason, I needed to score it from one to five.

EDIT: Durring the first half, random music was playing, but at the end, If I Die by The Band Perry was playing xD
Unfittinf->Fitting much.
I gave the main character only a nickname, for a feeling of mystery, and I couldnt think of a good realname for him. And yea, I didn't want anyone to be able to tell Natalie was a vampire, because I wanted the ending to be a shocker.

Though, if you want, i can go ahead and post my other short story I wrote tonight on here, and just make this thread a compilation of short stories. Of course, I'll let the public (Y'all) decide wether I do that or not. But anyways, thanks for the reply, and have a great day. ^.^
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Old 10-29-2011, 03:38 AM
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Default Re: Vampire Trust ( Short Story)

(I'm starting to think that me using the Nyan version of Pe2k is annoying)

Your welcome~

I think that would be a great idea!
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Old 10-29-2011, 03:53 AM
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Well, this is one I wrote today, I hope you like it, and tell me what you think about it.

This ugly world

I stared outside of the window that was in my home. I watched people walk across the streets not noticing the pain and turmoil caused by this foul world. I looked away from the window for a second, and stared at a mirror, noticing how nasty I was, considering I hadn’t showered in the past few days. My hair was all tangled, and knotted, one would not be able to tell that I had elegant flowing blonde hair. My eyes were a dark emerald shade, and my skin was very pale and fair, for I had not been outside in many weeks.

The outside world of my apartment, was very… Depressing. There was war, famine, death, and even hatred that went on in the outside world. As a cause of my thoughts, people came to call me “Nyu” which was a name from a popular anime, of the main blood thirsty character. I was wearing a slightly torn button up white shirt, and some skin tight black shorts. I felt as if the world hated me, and I decided to stay as far away from it as possible, in fear of getting hurt.

My stomach growled quietly, and I went into the kitchen. It had marble tops, and red-wood furnished cabinets, and I opened a cabinet drawer. There was empty cereal boxes, and trash all over the place. I sighed quietly, and closed the cabinet, and walked over to the door way. I noticed how the walls were the color of the ocean, and then proceeded to open the door, wondering how long it had been since I had truly been outside. I opened the door and walked outside of my apartment room, and instantly saw a maid, one that I usually had paid to go and buy my groceries. Her name was Amanda Finch. She waved energetically, and then went back to folding towels out in the hallway. “Hello Amanda, nice weather today?”

She had gulped nervously, it had been the first time in years that I had not talked to her, only asking for her to do my chores. “W-well its very… Its beautiful today, miss Nyu, though I must ask, why are you going out instead of having me buy it for you today?”

I sighed, and walked quietly down to the elevator for a few seconds. Then I turned around a smiled. “I felt as if I needed the exercise, Amanda, how about we go see Out Of Time later today? It looked as if it would be good, and I don’t have anyone else to go with… So how about it?” Studying her, I noticed that her apron was frayed and torn at the strap, and she had several coffee stains in her dress. I pressed the button and waited patiently.

About an hour later, I was downtown at the plaza, and started walking towards the movie theater. I took a glance at my cell phone, and called Amanda. It rung and rung until she had finally picked up, the voice was squeaky and the call had a good bit of static. “Are you near the theater?”

Amanda sighed quietly, making it inaudible for the microphones to pick up. “I-I’m sorry I cant come, my grandmother was just put into the hospital. Maybe some other time… Please forgive me Nyu?” She had stammered, and spoke very quietly while lightly letting out a few tears, though no one would ever realize it. She hung up the phone on her end, and that was it.

I sighed then thought, well I’m already out, so I might as well go ahead and see the movie. I bought my tickets and then headed over to the theater. I planned on buying my groceries after seeing it. I stared fabulously at the grand columns in the theater, for it was a much larger room then I had seen in years.

About two hours later, I was walking out of the theater when I heard some gun shots. Of course, I figured that it was just another movie, turned up loud enough to be heard outside, so I didn’t really worry about it to much. So, I kept walking, until before I knew it, a gun was pointed to my head. “Get down on the ground and give me your money! Don’t make me shoot!” A man wearing a pokemon mask had screamed violently, while cocking his gun and readying his finger on the trigger.

I thought to my self, of course, the one time I decide to come out in all this years… I had to be mugged… I swiftly pulled out my wallet, and handed it to the man as I was sitting there, helpless to do anything against him. I felt so weak… Not being able to do anything to protect my self or these people. Then all of a sudden, my phone rang and the entire building fell silent.

The man walked back over to me and grabbed the phone out of my back pocket. He threw it on the ground and then stopped on it seemingly with all of his force. He pointed his gun towards my head, and then smiled devilishly. “How about we not let this happen again pretty thing?” He then started to lower his gun, before he shot me dead center in the arm. I was in so much pain, that it wasn’t even funny anymore. Even after me judging the world for all these years… I never got any where near how dangerous it truly was.

Then all of a sudden, one of the other captives stood, and had a brave smirk on his face. He was charming, his hair was a bronze color, and the light fixture above him reflected it elegantly. His eyes were crimson and fierce, but yet at the same time, you could tell the sorrow inside of them. “Nobody who harms a woman should live, you scum bag.” The man started to sprint, while the masked figure pointed his gun and tried to put shots into him.

Every single shot so far had missed, while I had counted seven gun shells next to his feet. I started to slowly crawl over to the masked figure, and put a hand on his calf, and using what remaining strength I had, knocked him over. That other man, whom was very heroic, took the gun and removed the clip. He threw the unloaded gun towards the concession stand. He kicked the masked figure in the ribs multiple times, and then pulled out a couple of hand cuffs. He cuffed the masked figure, and then pulled out a walkie-talkie asking for a police squad to come and arrest this criminal.

I walked over to him, the man who saved all of our lives, while clutching my arm where I had been shot, and thanked him. “I’m… My name is Heather, Heather Jackson. Thank you for saving me.” I smiled and then started to fall towards him, only to be caught in mid air.

He carried me over to his police car, and put me in the passenger seat. “My name is Akira Smith. Where do you live? I’ll drive you home.” He smiled kindly, and then started driving.

I guess moral is, although this world is foul and rotten, those are just those few people you meet… Who make it worth taking the risk and going out there, in order to meet new people. Even if you get hurt, it may only lead to new friends or even a romantic interest.
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:39 AM
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Romance-esq short story I tried to write

Life and death-

I always remember the birds singing, and animals running through the flowing meadow, while I played with her during the day. She was the most amazing person I had ever met, though like all good things it comes to an end. Her name was Julie Springer, and she was a year older than me, although not many could tell that she was my elder, considering I was tall for my age. She had called me Cam, as an abbreviation on my real name, Cameron Rhodes.

The deer would often follow us back to our camp ground, where we fed them and watched the clouds fly past together. It was the best feeling I ever had, being with her was always the most amazing thing that one could feel. We had a special connection, for we had been friends since before we could talk. But, even though we had such an amazing friendship, I felt as if I wanted to be more with her, for she was the most beautiful…. The most amazing… And the kindest person that one would ever meet.

Though, with time we started to move apart, with how she wanted to stay in our small town, and I wanted to move to the big city and make a big name for my self. So, we came to a mutual agreement, I would take a year in college, learning business law and etiquette, and then the next year I would stay with her. For the first few years this was quite amazing, and worked wonderfully, but then when I did not see her for a while I started to wonder about how would she know if I cheated…. And so one night I did, though, after that I felt so much remorse and regret from that, that I would not talk to anyone for weeks.

I told her that I loved her many times, and it was true, I can never feel as if I was good enough… Because, the next year when I was with her, she ended up having a heart attack. I rushed her to the hospital, the fastest my Ford F150 would take us. But by time I had got her to the hospital, it was to late. She was already dead. I had felt like it was my fault for years, and that I would never be good enough to prove that I didn’t deserve to be the one that died that night.

But, in the mean time I went back to the city, and tried my best to forget, while continuing my classes, in solitude. After finishing my education, I founded one of the worlds biggest corporations ever made. It was the Braken Computer Company. After Steve Jobs death, I felt as if I needed to be the one to take the torch.

Every year, I went to that small town, and visited her grave, but this time was different. I felt a presence, and then it was unlike anything that had ever happened before. I saw Julie, and she smiled at me, with a grim smile. “You’ve gotten so tall… You let your stubble grow out… You ever let your hair grow out… I’m glad for you, to become so successful. But, I’m glad your eyes haven’t changed, there still the color of the ocean… I love you…”

I gasped and fell down to the ground almost instantly. “Julie… I love you to, and I want to apologize for everything that I done in the past that had hurt you, please… Forgive me… Forgive me for cheating on you, forgive me for leaving you every other year… But most of all, forgive me for not being able to save you…” I started to cry and then Julie had went and sat down next to me, rubbing my hair lightly, like she would always do.

“All though you hurt me so much in the past Cam… I just wanted to let you know, that its all right to let go of the memory of me, and to love again. I want you to be happy, but I know that if your remorse for me stays, then you wont ever be happy again… It was so many years ago, just forget it.”

“I love you…” And then she had disappeared. That was the last time that I had visited her grave, but after that encounter, I got married and raised a family. My first daughter, I named after Julie, and I told them the stories about her, as if she was still there watching over us.

I guess, one would say the moral of this story is, even though it feels good to remember the past, don’t hang on to it to closely, or you’ll just end up hurting your self more, by making you be to focused on the past, that you don’t realize what’s going on in the present. Even if you lost a loved one, whom you were really close to, they would not want you to live in regret of what you didn’t do, they would want you to be happy and not give up on your dreams.
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:41 AM
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I decided, every short story I post, I wish to be a seperate post, making it easier to find.

London Murders-

I walked down the streets of London, momentarily examining people, and then forgetting them for the rest of eternity. It was a common everyday practice for me, considering my place of work. The lights around me started to flicker violently, and I thought to my self, the cities power must be going out again. This was a time that I was anticipating greatly, for, since I had got an ally working with the generators, it made my job that much easier. I did not look to be a violent type, my dark rusty hair, combed neatly with a professionally made deerstalker hat.

I wore a suit and tie every that I wondered, no matter what job it would enlist. But I stopped thinking about my self momentarily to notice a beautiful woman of seemingly Irish decent. “Hello, my dear lady. My name is Alexander Jekyll.” I had kindly gestured to her, and bowed, hoping to gain her trust so I could lure her to my trap.

She scoffed, almost insulted by the very fact that I was talking to her. “I do not need the likes of you, leave me at once.” She was wearing a purple dress, which could in a way, be a sign that she was of royalty. Especially with that attitude.

“All right then, was good meeting you.” I walked away without saying anything else, and decided to try for someone else, someone who would less… Less noticeable if something happened to. And as I kept walking, I came across a beggar in the streets, whom I had asked if she would like to come and have supper with me and my servants. I was of, some of the highest lineage in all of London, and my family was known to feed the poor. She bought it, almost like it was sweet caviar to her taste buds.

Her skin was darkly tanned, she had bright strawberry blonde hair, and wore the clothes of the street urchins. For someone on the streets, seeing a urchin walking with a noble, would in all honesty, just seem like the noble gained a new servant. And as such, I was not worried of being caught, for I had been doing this for years, and knew that I would never be caught.

By time that we had got to my home, she looked dumbfounded at every little thing. Even the poorest things I owned had impressed her as if they were gold. I called for my servant Silvia, and had her show my… Guest, to the dining room while I carried out a little bit of business. I walked up to my room, and abruptly started sending a letter in Morse-code to my acquaintance, ordering him to shut off the generators.

I walked back down to the dining room, and told her to leave us for a while. My chef went and had made our food, and served it to us. It had seemed like the poor girl had not eaten properly in years, for she had four serving of food, in one sitting. The lights then proceeded to flicker, and then the lights turned off. With the shroud of darkness at my side, I got up out of my chair and felt the way around the table to her seat. I grabbed her hand and had helped her up, while I stuck a hand into my coat pocket.

I pulled out a knife, and stabbed her with it thirteen times in the chest. And then the lights came back on. Silvia walked back into the dining room and sighed quietly. She grabbed the body of the street urchin, and started pulling it towards the room where we kept all of the other bodies. We burned once a month, which was normally around ten to fifteen people. I would never be caught, I thought quietly and laughed.

A month later, some police had came and knocked on my door. They asked me what had happened to a street urchin I was seen walking with a month ago. Little did I know, that the street urchin was really that Irish woman’s sister. She had seen me taking her sister, who went missing afterwards and told the police. Silvia watched quietly from the stairs, as they took me away.

After that, I slowly went crazy inside that hell hole of a prison. Until one day, I just snapped. I took my belt, and used it to first, cut my arm and draw a pentagram on the wall with my own blood, and then proceed to hang my self with the belt.

I guess the moral of the story is, all though one would not expect to get caught doing something, no matter how much they get away with it in the past, there is just one day that you will get caught. And you will get your just deserts, and just as much, if not more pain that you had inflicted in the beginning.
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Old 10-30-2011, 06:02 AM
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I got behind?! *assorted gasps*

First story: Life and death

“You’ve gotten so tall… You let your stubble grow out… You ever let your hair grow out… I’m glad for you, to become so successful."

"To become so successful." dosen't...sound quite right to me. Sounds better as "You became so successful..."

“Julie… I love you to"

"too"*

"You ever let your hair grow out…"

"never"*(?)

"though like all good things it comes to an end."

came* (teehee-I-I mean...o.o)

"as an abbreviation on my real name, Cameron Rhodes."

I think saying "a cute nickname of my real name," or "the first three letters of my real name," or even "a nickname taken from my real name," is better, but yours makes sense, I mean...yeah.

"And then she had disappeared"

"she'd" or "vanished/faded away" can be swaped in to make it sound better.

All the corrections and such aside, it's a solid story. Although the endings are good and all, I think switching to "That day I learned/That (event) taught me (lesson)", "I hope you can learn from my foolishess, (lesson)" just to keep it fresh and interesting.

Second story: London Murders

"...and I thought to my self, the cities power must be going out again. This was a time that I was anticipating greatly, for, since I had got an ally working with the generators, it made my job that much easier."

Adding these little things ' can really immerse the reader. Don't forget to use them a lot. And "myself".

"...wondered, no matter what job it would enlist. But I stopped thinking about my self momentarily to notice a beautiful woman of seemingly Irish decent. “Hello, my dear lady. My name is Alexander Jekyll.” I had kindly gestured to her, and bowed, hoping to gain her trust so I could lure her to my trap."

Same as last corr. they are not really needed, and it's always good to break out of them and change it up, but sometimes not having them can confuse readers.

"...someone who would less… Less noticeable if something happened to."

"noticable" is actally spelt "noticeable"! I know, right? Messes me up every time.

"for she had four serving of food, in one sitting."

"servings"*

"I guess the moral of the story is, all though one..."

"although"* but using less used words, such as spite, as in "in spite of" is a really nice break away from different pieces.

Although I hate myself for saying this, the killing needs to be more...gory.*chill up my spine* ...yeah, more gory. It adds a lot of depth, along with showing how insane the person really is. Especially if you discribe (if they have one) a wicked, evil grin. Even adding in *second chill down my spine* thier favorite part of a kill. Sheesh, I'm so evil when it comes to death scenes...anyway, I think your vocabulary in this story was good in contrast to earlier stories. So...kudos!

All in all, these were two good stories, and I see the number of problems steadily and quickly decreasing! Yaaaay! So, I think I'll start rating them. o.O

Life and Death: 8.3
London Murders: 8.7

Accurate numbers are accurate. Hope to see more soon!
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max0596 View Post
I got behind?! *assorted gasps*

All in all, these were two good stories, and I see the number of problems steadily and quickly decreasing! Yaaaay! So, I think I'll start rating them. o.O

Life and Death: 8.3
London Murders: 8.7

Accurate numbers are accurate. Hope to see more soon!
Yea, thats what happens when I post about, two or three stories at once.

I was honestly expecting to get about 4-6's on them, because I tend to not believe that anything I write is, well, good.

And thanks! I try to make either one or two a day, so keep an eye out for them!
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:38 PM
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Not sure if this one is good or not, no one has read over it yet. So tell me what y'all think!

Friend's and Foe's

I drove down the road, with some metal music playing in the background. It was amazing, and helped me keep my mind off of anything, that really could be considered a distraction. I was on my way to school, like I did everyday in the morning, and like always, it was extremely boring other than the music. I drove a Ford F150, which was ironic since I hated country music, which is what most people that drive trucks listen to.

The drive was always excruciatingly long, and tended to get old really fast. Though, it was the only time I got to listen to some metal music, so I did not have much room to complain. My school came into sight, and it would have normally been amazing, minus the fact that I see it every single day. My school, was one of the richest in the country, being bigger than Vatican city it’s self. And so, the JROTC were permitted to learn how to use actual military issue weapons on school grounds. For, if a terrorist attack were to happen, they would go to the armory and take care of the threat, as fast as possible.

The sky was a light grey, and the fog dim and hardly noticeable by anyone who had lived in this area for more than a year. The parking lot was huge, and had quite a variety of cars inside of it, which showed the personality of each owner, almost identically. The built up muscle cars with flames on the sides were most likely owned by the players, the trucks with the huge wheels, owned by rednecks, etc. After searching for a parking place for about fifteen minutes, I finally found one and started walking towards my first period.

Ironically, although there was so many other cars in the parking lot, I was always the first person to class. Which, is why many came to call me a nerd. The hallways were baron, and I hardly saw anyone, not in the parking lot listening to music and talking to their friends. I sighed quietly, and then proceeded to think, friends, who needs them. They only cause you harm in the end. But then I remembered, all the good things that had come out of being friends with people, I had met my girlfriend, I had started making decent quality YouTube videos, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I guess I cant be one to talk, really.

I have bright blonde hair, and I am one of the tallest people in my grade, although I am also one of the youngest. I constantly get complimented on my eye color, which is a dark burgundy color, which is natural. I dropped off my backpack and then went back out into the hallway, which was not something I did often, I suppose that I was starting to feel lonely doing the same thing every single day. Quickly, I had heard someone call out my name, it was Harold, he had done a lot for me in the past, but since we had became closer friends he started to treat me worse, and act as if I wasn’t even worth the time.

He would never talk to me, unless I offered him my math homework to copy, or gave him a report for his lit class. Many people had told me, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, but my low self esteem told me that I did. Harold slammed me against the locker and started yelling. “How much money do you have on you?!” I pulled out a $10, and gave it to him hoping he’d leave. He smirked then walked away silently, like always.

I walked back into my classroom and sat there waiting for class to start. It was boring and I waited patiently. Went to my other classes, and then got to lunch. Only to be cussed out by Harold once more, like always. And then, I sat with my girlfriend. A few minutes later, Harold had walked over, and knocked my stuff onto the ground. I was starting to get angry, because he did this every single day. So, I got up and pushed him a few feet back and started yelling.

He had seemed somewhat scared, which was very, very rare in him. His violet eyes trembling, his bronze hair, almost seemed as if it was screaming from fear. I guess it could be because, he’s half my size but still.

After that day, Harold was to afraid to talk to me. Which was a good thing, my self esteem got better, I was happier, heck, I even was able to be with my girlfriend more. So, I guess that moral is, if someone is being mean to you, speak up for your self, so you don’t get hurt more than you are already.
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  #11  
Old 11-02-2011, 01:49 PM
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Default Re: Short stories by austbot

I do like short stories - I write a few on my deviantART account. I think your thread has encouraged me to put my short stories up xP

Anyway, onto your recent work!

I liked the concept - bullying is always an issue in schools around the world, so it's nice to see somebody using that concept into a short story. However, I'm not too sure that pushing the bully away would end the suffering altogether - it seems too... unreal for me, if you know what I mean? :P

"and tended to get old really fast" - didn't seem to make sense. What was getting old really fast? o.O

"it's self" should be "itself".

And I noticed that you had the character's thoughts within this piece - wouldn't this be commonly shown in italics?

And to end, I found this funny:

"and started walking towards my first period" - nothing wrong with it, it just made me laugh xD

Altogether, it's a good piece! 6/10 perhaps? Nothing kept me hooked permanently throughout the piece :)

Keep it up! :D

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Old 11-02-2011, 08:23 PM
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Default Re: Short stories by austbot

Quote:
Originally Posted by sealboyno1 View Post
I do like short stories - I write a few on my deviantART account. I think your thread has encouraged me to put my short stories up xP

Anyway, onto your recent work!

I liked the concept - bullying is always an issue in schools around the world, so it's nice to see somebody using that concept into a short story. However, I'm not too sure that pushing the bully away would end the suffering altogether - it seems too... unreal for me, if you know what I mean? :P

"and tended to get old really fast" - didn't seem to make sense. What was getting old really fast? o.O

"it's self" should be "itself".

And I noticed that you had the character's thoughts within this piece - wouldn't this be commonly shown in italics?

And to end, I found this funny:

"and started walking towards my first period" - nothing wrong with it, it just made me laugh xD

Altogether, it's a good piece! 6/10 perhaps? Nothing kept me hooked permanently throughout the piece :)

Keep it up! :D

~Sealboyno1

Unless he means it's self as in an entity. You know. You can say you can pull your "self" up. As in your physical existence. One's "self". Neh?
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Old 11-03-2011, 10:02 PM
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Default Re: Short stories by austbot

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pe2k Voices View Post
Unless he means it's self as in an entity. You know. You can say you can pull your "self" up. As in your physical existence. One's "self". Neh?
In this instance though ("than Vatican city it’s self") I think the term "itself" is necessary :P

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Old 11-04-2011, 03:44 AM
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Default Re: Short stories by austbot

Some nice ideas here, but they're really too short to get attached to the characters much or for much plot to happen, so I would suggest expanding them more.
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:23 AM
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Default Re: Short stories by austbot

I dunno. I like them the way they are, but whatever...
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