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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


View Poll Results: Will Mankey be caught?
will be caught 1 50.00%
will not be caught 1 50.00%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 11-12-2011, 10:59 PM
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Default What's your"s is Minkey

read after http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/foru...d.php?t=116373


Ding! Yes! I caught the Poliwag! I held the pokeball into the air and… It was gone! I looked all around and started freaking out. I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught poliwag’s pokeball, I found some old pokemon food, an injured Caterpie witch I fed, and a trail of empty potion bottles. I followed the trail to pokemon and found…. Wow. I still dream about it to this day. It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the pokemon, the pokemon! There were all kinds of pokemon there. Big, little, red, blue, new old, you name it. And as I was looking around, I saw a pokeball lying on the floor. I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water. I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?” “Poli-poli. Poliwag.” I couldn’t understand it but I assumed he said it’s nice to see me. All the sudden I heard and angry, deep breathing behind me. I turned around and nearly dropped Poliwag’s pokeball. I saw a Mankey with flaming eyes and my hat on side ways on his head. Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears. “Hey!” I yelled. I jumped at him but he jumped into the canopy. I fell on the hard, cold ground and felt him land on me. For a little Mankey I must admit he was heavy. He jumped of and ran of with Poliwag and my hat.
Chimchar decided to let himself out of his pokeball and stood near my head. “Chim?” he said quietly. “I’m alright, let’s go get Poliwag.” I said, pushing myself up of the ground. We ran through the forest for hours before we found them. Hiding in the bushes we saw them in an opening. And there I saw it, the one thing that angered me the most that day. Mankey had given Poliwag to Ferraligator. I got so mad that Chimchar had to hold my mouth shut to keep me from bursting out in rage. I calmed down and whispered, “Thanks”.
We looked back and saw Ferraligator walking away with Poliwag slung over his shoulder and Mankey walking with him. Chimchar and I started talking about what just happened and we followed them. We eventually got to a cave. We were about to step in when a hand pulled me back.
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on. Sawk. Me and Chimchar immediately got into battle positions.” Chimchar, flame wheel!” I said with determination. Chimchar started rolling, caught on fire, and slammed into the Sawk. Sawk took almost no damage. Sawk returned the favor with a close combat attack. Chimchar went flying and landed roughly. He got up and ran over to Sawk. Sawk punched at Chimchar, but Chimchar slid under it on his back on the ground. Chimchar got under Sawk and used flamethrower. “Wow,” I said as Sawk fell unconscious. Chimchar ran over to me. “You can use flamethrower?” I asked. He nodded conceitedly. “Alright, let’s go,” I said. We walked in the cave and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
In the cave, stacked to the ceiling, were piles of caged pokemon, complaining and weeping. Poliwag was among them. In front of the cages, were Mankey, Ferraligator, a Vibrava, and a beaten up Primeape tied to a chair. Among them were a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair. Chimchar and I hid behind a rock and watched. Mankey looked up questionably at the man. “No. We still need you. Capture the intruder.” He responded.
Mankey jumped up, climbed over the ceiling, and dropped down on top of me. He hit Chimchar and me over the rock. “Well, well,” Said the man. “I’m Nick. Your familiar with Ferraligator and Mankey, am I correct?” I nodded and said, “Why’d you take my Poliwag?!” “You see, Mankey works for us because we threat him with his mother. We have him steal pokemon so we can rule the world. But you know too much. Vibrava, dragon claw.” Vibrava, a small, pale bug body with two horns, six small black legs, and four triangle green wings, flew at Chimchar, made his hands glow blue, and slammed Chimchar into a wall with it. Then Vibrava picked us up, flew us out of a cave, and dropped us into a lake. “Hugh. We’ve got to save Primeape and Poliwag,” I said. Chimchar nodded. We got out of the lake and went to the cave. Everything was gone except Mankey, beaten up and hatless.
Leaning over the once powerful looking monkey, I said in a soft voice, “Mankey, are you alright?” He grinned. I suddenly realized I had been set up. He jumped up and uppercutted me in the face. I stumbled back and fell, barely catching myself on my hands. He wiped of the dust and pulled out my hat from his fir. He put it on and angrily yelled at me. Chimchar and I backed away slowly as he backed us up toward a wall. “Mankey, you don’t have to do this!” I said. “We can work together to save Primeape! They’re the ones who imprisoned her anyway!” Mankey stopped as his angry face disappeared. He looked as if he was thinking it over. He looked away and scratched his head as if he was embarrassed. He got over it and helped us up. “Where’d they go, Mankey?” I asked him. He ran of into the cave. “Hey!” I said following me. Chimchar followed close behind. Eventually we saw a light in the distance. Once we got to the light, I was wowed. The walls of the cave were risen up and the floor was an airplane landing. We got to the edge where Mankey was standing, staring into the distance. I followed his eyesight and saw a plane. The plane was small, and I assumed it could carry about one maybe two Salamence. It was camouflage. It was old fashioned, one big wing going over the top and a propeller on the nose of the plane. “I’ve got a plan. Chimchar, get me and Mankey over you, aim your tail at the plane, and use your best flamethrower you can!” I said to Chimchar. Mankey got in a piggyback position on Chimchar, while I hugged on tight from behind. “This would work much better with Poliwag,” I muttered. Chimchar used his move in which he makes a huge blast of fire one the floor and we went flying. That might have been the most exiting point of my pokemon journey. I barely got a hold on the tail of the plain with Mankey, one hand on my foot and the other on the hat, and Chimchar, both hands tightly holding onto Mankey’s tail and eyes closed, were dangling. They climbed up onto the plane and helped me up. I pusted a window with my fist and we jumped into the aircraft. I hit Nick out of the plane and Ferraligator and Vibrava jumped out to save him. We took control of the plane and landed it in the small paradise where I first met Mankey. We released all the pokemon and I returned Chimchar and Poliwag. Primeape and Mankey hugged and Primeape gave me a pokeball and pointed towards Mankey, who was smiling. I threw the pokeball at Mankey and the pokeball went wiggle a few times. I couldn’t wait. But just then, two things happened: I realized the pokeball captured Mankey and my hat, and there, in the distance, was a huge cloud of dust…

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Last edited by most duded; 11-15-2011 at 02:22 AM.
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  #2  
Old 12-03-2011, 05:20 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

You'll have this grade done by Saturday or Monday.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:53 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

Introduction:

The introduction to me felt a little rushed and it was sort of confusing to me. The first part that is a problem is the abrupt departure of the missing Pokeball. In your story the character holds the device up and it suddenly disappears with no clue how that was done. Having the Pokeball disappear is not the problem, I have seen similiar things done, but the problem is that the main character seems to have picked the Pokeball up and holds it in the air before it suddenly vanishes without the character having any sort if clue. You always need to have a reason for any action, and you did have a reason being the Mankey. But you still need to tell how it abruptly vanished, and because you wanted the Mankey you could have said that the character felt a jerk as the Pokeball was stripped from it. You didn’t have to mention the Mankey by name or something like that, but the thing can’t vanish into thin air.

The next thing that bothers me, and ties into the plot as a whole, is where and who is the character. You did put before the story that the person needed to read the first one, but that isn’t practical or an excuse. Since this is your first multi-chapter story you probably didn’t know the rule. As the writer you have to assume the reade either didn’t read the first chapter or doesn’t remember the whole thing. This means you have to fill in the gaps. You do this by reintroducing the character first. That means their looks and personality etc. You act as if he has never appeared before. The second thing is a brief summary of what happened in the previous chapter. This part doesn’t have to be the very first paragraph. In this story after the Poliwag disappeared you could have had the character get confused and reflect on how the caught the Poliwag (he had to rescue it from some sea monster etc). The summary can easily be two sentences or a whole a paragraph. It’s all up to you as the author.

The final thing is how your character randomly finds some trail and follows it to some paradise. My immediatly question when I read was: where did this trail come from? The easiest way for this to be solved is for you to describe the place the character is at. From there you can add the trail, but as it was, I thought it to be lacking.

Overall I think that the introduction did really feel like an introduction, it felt like the middle of a story without the reader knowing what was going on. That clearly wasn’t your intention. This is solved by acting as if this was a new tale, like I said above, start by answering all the basic questions a reader would have: who, what, where, and how? Now unless you are going for one of those intracate plots that takes the reader on a tornado, that is a great place to start.

Plot:

You have a very simple plot of the main character trying to find his stolen Poliwag. You added the part with the thieves and that gave the story an amount of unpredictability to it. It’s something very simple for a mon that only needs such a plot.

For this ‘mon that type of plot is more than enough needed in terms of what happens. The problem I see with this story is the structure of the story. The first part is dealing with the Poliwag disappearance,which was already done. Now we can move on to the ‘paradise’ part, where the story starts.

As you explain it, the paradise is essentially an orchard with a lake and waterfall. But the problem the reader runs into is: where? Where is this place? Based off the main character I’m guessing it’s not well known, which means it’s either hidden or far away from the beaten path. Either way it needs to be explained because you call it a paradise of Pokemon. If you had just said you found this cool place or something along those lines it would be understandable. But a couple of time you placed an emphasis on the place, but don’t explain why it’s there.

The next big thing that I come across is the Sawk encounter. Like that of the paradise, the Pokemon above is not explained at all. The battle is literally is a paragraph long with only three attacks between them. We can talk about battle length later, but the main issue is relavence. Sawk doesn’t appear to be with the intrudors, and wild Pokemon don’t just attack for no reason. However, if the Pokemon was territorrial it stands to reason the Sawk would have attacked the thief and either been caught or evicted from the land. Either way, the big thing here is that once again you have things left unexplained.

The next thing is how your character over powered Nick and managed to seize control of the plane. This part was essentail to the story because you capture Mankey right after and retrieve the Mankey. But you left this part entirely vague. What you need here is something to engage the reader as this is essentially your climax part of the story. At the very least you need to explain how a boy managed to get past two Pokemon and overpower the man flying the plane. It is conceviable, but not likely, hence a detailed description of what took place is needed. This can be done by inserting a simple scene. Dialogue perhaps were the thief is tricked and loses control of the plane or a Pokemon battle does something. To be honest I dont know how a Pokemon battle would work on such a small plane so you might want to try something like the first method. It’s really up to you, but this part really needs some flesh to be added to it.

Now, besides all those thing I listed the biggest problem I had with everything is that the story felt way rushed. By this I mean there were chunks of the story where said a few hours passed and gave nothing beyond that, like when he chased after Mankey. If you were going to do something like that it would have worked if you had used minutes instead of hours; both would have accomplished the goal, but minutes would have been easier based on how everything turned out. Another example was that of plane ride. I hate to go to this one again but it is a perfect example. By fleshing these important things out, battles are another example, it adds something to the story beyond extra length. It adds depth and character to the story. Rushing certain parts are fine, if used sparingly and don’t take away from the story as a whole. Yours did just that.

Here are parts of the story that I felt could have done with a bit more explantion.

The paradise, I explained about this section above so no long paragraph.
Chasing the Mankey, also above.

The Sawk encounter, above as well.

Finally, the plane run.

All those I covered in one way or another because they are important parts that need to fleshed out or editted.

That’s all I wanted to cover, but it’s a lot of information so don’t be discouraged by the extent of it. Most of it just requires a few good edits to make it good, nothing needs a massive rehaul. Basically you just need to fine tune a few points, you get those done and you’ll be fine.


Detail:

Okay, not bad in this area. You just really need to polish things in terms of where detail is needed. You described all the new Pokemon that you ran into, so I don’t have any problems there. You did a good job on that part.

What was missing from the start was the main character description. This ties into the point I made about the introduction and the first chapter(part). The guy has to be recieved as if the reader doesn’t know about him, and I didn’t. You already have description on the thief so you know how to do it, you just probably didn’t know you had to do it again.

Quote:
Among them were a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair.
Here’s what you had for Nick. This is fine and acceptable as you gave us what he was wearing, basic body shape and hair color. Now, for future characters and their description I like to follow a few basic rules. One, the more involved the character is the better the description and that character should have some sort of personality that you as the author can impose. Although a personality for your characters are not required, it provides depth and make the people more human like and not just words on a page or computer screen. In terms of more advanced character description, you don’t need a lot of detail, but try to fine tune how the reader will see the person. You can say he likes to smile a lot or that a lock of hair covers one side of his face. Basically, each character should be unique or distinct from other in the story. Give the characters something a reader can identify with. It makes the story that much interesting and shows the reader how much effort you put in the characters.

Quote:
It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the pokemon, the pokemon!
I would have liked to see more of this in numerious places throughout the story. You had it at the important parts, here and the cave. But it felt like that between those two parts it was a blank spot as you didn’t tell the reader what else everything looked like. I’m not expecting some long paragraph, just a sentence or two of what kind of setting the character is in.

Quote:
In the cave, stacked to the ceiling, were piles of caged pokemon, complaining and weeping. Poliwag was among them. In front of the cages, were Mankey, Ferraligator, a Vibrava, and a beaten up Primeape tied to a chair. Among them were a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair. Chimchar and I hid behind a rock and watched.
Here’s what you had for the cave, a basic layout of what the cave looked like. It wasn’t as detailed as the orchard, but you didn’t need it to be. Some basic stuff is fine. So let’s take what you did here and apply it to some different parts of the story.

Quote:
Then Vibrava picked us up, flew us out of a cave, and dropped us into a lake. “Hugh. We’ve got to save Primeape and Poliwag,” I said. Chimchar nodded. We got out of the lake and went to the cave. Everything was gone except Mankey, beaten up and hatless.
Here’s a spot where you could have applied those skills. What you could do first is to describe the sensation of flying through the air. Is the air hot or cold etc. Next you can go onto the sensation of falling through the air and being dropped in the cool lake waters. You can describe how the water drenched the main character and then how two people had to swim to shore. Maybe your guy had to carry the Chimchar because it couldn’t swim. Besides the description parts, as I pointed out you can use the senses (feel, smell, hear, sight, taste).

For the second part of the paragraph when he runs into the Mankey remember to describe the Pokemon again. You don’t need a full thing like this:

Quote:
Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears.
You just need to tell the reader where he was in the cave and how he was positioned. This only requires a sentence or two but it gives the reader a better picture of what the scene looks like.

The only other thing that needs to be worked on is the attack section. You never described what the attacks look like, and that is something that needs to be done.

Quote:
Chimchar got under Sawk and used flamethrower. “Wow,” I said as Sawk fell unconscious.
This happened alot for the battle moves. What you need to do is take that and add to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by me
Chimchar fell under Sawk and used Flamethrower, a bright red stream of hot fire shot from the mouth of the fire monkey, right into the sensitive parts of Sawk.
As you see I only added a few words that told the user how Flamethrower would be presented as. You more than a few of these that would need to be corrected if you continue you to write. For the sake of length and not beating a dead horse I’m not going to provide more samples of this problem that needs fixing as I think you get the point.

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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12-05-2011 at 08:06 PM.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:28 PM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

thank you. I guess I should rewrite it or add to it. hmmmm?
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Old 12-05-2011, 01:18 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

Quote:
Originally Posted by most duded View Post
thank you. I guess I should rewrite it or add to it. hmmmm?
A total rewrite isn't needed. I want you to description to the Pokemon attacks and you can have Mankey. Everything else is for next time you write a story. If you choose to fix everything else that is fine too as it's good practice.


Had to separate grade:

Grammar: I want to be gentle here, but one word can sum this area up: disaster. It was full of multiple and repeated errors that will have to be immediately rectified.

Quote:
I pusted a window with my fist and we jumped into the aircraft. I hit Nick out of the plane and Ferraligator and Vibrava jumped out to save him.
~ Besides the spelling error, how did the boy get past the two Pokemon, overpower the man, and throw him out the airplane without being stopped. I’m sure you could have came up with a scenario, but you didn’t and that hurts the story.

Quote:
I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught [p]oliwag’s [p]okeball[,] I found some old [p]okemon food, an injured Caterpie[] [witch] I fed, and a trail of empty [p]otion bottles.
~ One of the first sentences in your introduction and you have quite a few errors. This is not a a good start for a story because it distracts the reader with the errors. Now we can talk about the errors you have.

The first two brackets indicate that you need to capitalize those letters. When referring to Pokemon and specific Pokemon items you have to remember that they have to be capitalized. The same deal applies to the fourth bracket. Also the same for the seventh.

The third bracket is a comma splice and cannot join the two main clauses. You have to put a period here and separate them.

The fifth bracket needs to have a comma here because you have extra information here when you say, “which I fed” because it doesn’t have a direct bearing on the sentence. When you add extra info it always has to be surround by commas.

“witch” is a spelling error that a spell check will not catch. You need to take two minutes a remember that you have to proofread your work. It’s easier if you can look at the screen while typing, but it’s always a plus to re-read your work.

Quote:
I followed the trail to [p]okemon and found[…. ]Wow. I still dream about it to this day.
~ Once again ‘Pokemon’ needs to be capitalized, but also you don’t need the ‘...’ to create suspense. Your method makes the sentence as a whole seem awkward and abrupt.

Quote:
It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being [tent] to by Cleffa and Igglybuff[,] there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the [p]okemon, the [p]okemon!
~ Same errors again, capitalization and a wrong word. The bracket around the comma is also a comma splice and you need either a period or semicolon there.

Quote:
I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water. I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?” []“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”
~ First, you use ‘I ran over’ twice in a short amount of time, this is boring to a reader. When writing it is a good thing to change up the language so the same words or phrases don’t keep popping up. The bracket area needs to be double spaced. When writing you need to double spaces paragraphs where different characters are talking, it is a rule.

Quote:
Originally Posted by me
I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?”

“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”
~ That’s what it should look like.

Quote:
Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey[-]like pokemon who was light tan[]all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail.
~ The first bracket indicates you need the dash mark. When using ‘like’ in this manner you need a dash combining the two words, once again this is a rule. The second bracket once again needs a comma.

Quote:
He jumped [of] and ran [of] with Poliwag and my hat.
~ Proofread your work, I can’t stress this enough. Both of these should be ‘off’.

Quote:
“Chim?” he said quietly. [] “I’m alright, let’s go get Poliwag.” I said, pushing myself up of the ground.
~ Another error concerning speech, has to be double spaced.

Quote:
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human[-]like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on.
~ Once again a dash because you are using ‘like in this manner’.

Quote:
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on[.] Sawk.
~ This needs to a comma instead if a period.

Quote:
Me and Chimchar immediately got into battle positions.[”] Chimchar, [f]lame [w]heel!” I said with determination.
~ This needs to be in front of ‘Chimchar’. You have it spaced and that makes incorrect. Pokemon attacks have to be capitalized.

Quote:
Sawk returned the favor with a [c]lose [c]ombat attack.
~ Remember to capitalize Pokemon attacks.

Quote:
“Well, well,” [S]aid the man. “I’m Nick. Your familiar with Feraligatr and Mankey, am I correct?”
~ This doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Quote:
He ran [of into] the cave. “Hey!” I said following [me].
~ In this sentence you have a couple of wrong words that need to be traded out.

Anything else I out here as example would just be plain redundant. So let me go over what I have discovered and what you would need to rectify for future captures. To start, one of the biggest problems you have is the capitalizations of Pokemon related items. Pokemon, Pokemon attacks and Pokemon items all need to be capitalizated. A relatively simple fix if you remember it.

The second problem is that of missed words. In multiple cases above, and a few I didn’t bother putting in, you have the wrong word instead of the correct one. An example would be ‘plain’ instead of ‘plane’. This happened because you did the right thing by using a spell check, but you didn’t proofread your work. Proofreading is a good habit to pickup early as it useful in fanfiction and in real life. All you have to do is slowly go over your work by reading it, this can be once or twice or more than that. If you put work in a story it’s a shame not to take ten minutes and make sure you caught all the errors. Another way to catch your mistake is to read your story aloud. It can be a bit weird but it’s one of the best ways to catch sentence struture errors or similar problems.

A third problem is paragraph spacing. Your story is essential one giant paragraph and that is ugly for the eyes to just see one giant block of text without a good reason. Your story on my computer came out to be two pages, but if you had spaced it would have been 3 - 4 and easier to read. Now, I’m not sure if you know the spacing rules so I’ll go a general rule or two that can’t really steer you wrong. As I talked about above, the first part is relatively simple. It is spacing everytime a new person, or Pokemon, speaks. Everytime a dialogue appears from a different person you need a new paragraph to separate the talking. The second method is basically where the main subject of said paragraphs switches to a new topic.

Quote:
Ding! Yes! I caught the Poliwag! I held the pokeball into the air and… It was gone! I looked all around and started freaking out. I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught poliwag’s pokeball, I found some old pokemon food, an injured Caterpie witch I fed, and a trail of empty potion bottles.

I followed the trail to pokemon and found…. Wow. I still dream about it to this day. It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, and the pokemon, the pokemon! There were all kinds of pokemon there. Big, little, red, blue, new old, you name it. And as I was looking around, I saw a pokeball lying on the floor. I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water.

I ran over and said, “Poliwag, what happened?”

“Poli-poli. Poliwag.”

I couldn’t understand it but I assumed he said it’s nice to see me. All the sudden I heard and angry, deep breathing behind me. I turned around and nearly dropped Poliwag’s pokeball. I saw a Mankey with flaming eyes and my hat on side ways on his head.

Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears.
~ I’m going to use your opening pargraph as an example and how I would try to space it out. Each paragraph has been separated so that the main topic of each paragraph is readily appearant. In the first it’s the loss of Poliwag. Second is the searching and finding for the Pokemon. The middle two are dialogue and the last two deal with the encounter with Mankey and then its description. If you still don’t understand what I’m trying to say here, drop me a PM/VM and I’ll do my best to clarify.

Finally, you had a few mistake where you had some comma splices, wrong period placement and etc. They felt to me like typos because they where relatively few, but if you want help with them go ahead and ask for it.

Length: Mankey


Overall: Today I’m going to have to say Not Captured. Although this a low ranking mon I felt the rate of the grammar problems coupled with some things from the introduction and plot decided this for me. If you would like the Pokemon I would like to see you add description to the attacks. You do that and you can have the monkey. But remember, for future writing please keep what I had to say in mind.

And sorry for the long grade, but I hope it helps your writing take a step forward.
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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12-05-2011 at 08:08 PM.
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  #6  
Old 12-09-2011, 02:12 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

Ok. ill start workin
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:41 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

I’m Scar, and my Chimchar and I are on a quest to be the greatest pokemon battlers ever. I have blue eyes and brown fluffy hair. I am always wearing my backpack and I wear a blue hat backwards. I wear a green t-shirt. We are from the unknown village of Tuop; witch is several miles away from Pallet town. We are on our way to catch as many grass, water and fighting types to take on the Pewter city gym. We have recently gone fishing, and encountered a Ferraligator that made sure my dad never came home. We were miraculously saved by a Poliwag, and caught the Poliwag.
Ding! Yes! I caught the Poliwag! I held the pokeball into the air and felt a tug. It was gone! I looked all around and started freaking out. I looked everywhere, although I didn’t find my newly caught poliwag’s pokeball, I found some old pokemon food, an injured Caterpie witch I fed, and a trail of empty Pokeballs, obviously ones of caught pokemon.
I followed the trail to pokemon and found a paradise. I still dream about it to this day. It was a huge, beautiful orchard with tons of flowers being tent to by Cleffa and Igglybuff, there was a huge pond with a beautiful waterfall pouring into it with little water spouts here and there, positioned at the bottom of a steep cliff, hidden from the trail. And the pokemon, the pokemon! There were all kinds of pokemon there. Big, little, red, blue, new, old, you name it. And as I was looking around, I saw a pokeball lying on the floor. I ran over and grabbed it. It was empty. I saw Poliwag splashing in the water.
I dashed to him and said, “Poliwag, what happened?”
“Poli-poli. Poliwag.” I couldn’t understand it but I assumed he said it’s nice to see me. All the sudden I heard and angry, deep breathing behind me. I turned around and nearly dropped Poliwag’s pokeball.
I saw a Mankey with flaming eyes and my hat on side ways on his head. Like all Mankey’s, he was a small monkey like pokemon who was light tan all except for his stubby little feet, his small little paws, and the end of his long, curly tail. His nose was of the same figure as a pig. He had small eyes that were very bright and two small little pointy ears.
“Hey!” I yelled. I jumped at him but he jumped into the canopy. I fell on the hard, cold ground and felt him land on me. For a little Mankey I must admit he was heavy. He jumped off and ran off with Poliwag and my hat.
Chimchar decided to let himself out of his pokeball and stood near my head. “Chim?” he said quietly.
“I’m alright, let’s go get Poliwag.” I said, pushing myself up of the ground. We ran through the forest for around ten minutes before we found them. Hiding in the bushes we saw them in an opening. And there I saw it, the one thing that angered me the most that day.
Mankey had given Poliwag to Ferraligator. I got so mad that Chimchar had to hold my mouth shut to keep me from bursting out in rage. I calmed down and whispered, “Thanks”.
We looked back and saw Ferraligator walking away with Poliwag slung over his shoulder and Mankey walking with him. Chimchar and I started talking about what just happened and we followed them. We eventually got to a cave. We were about to step in when a hand pulled me back.
I turned around to see what this was, and it was a powerful looking blue human like pokemon with a white karate shirt and white pants on and a black belt on. Sawk. Chimchar and I immediately got into battle positions.” Chimchar, flame wheel!” I said with determination. Chimchar started rolling, caught on fire, and slammed into the Sawk. Sawk took almost no damage. Sawk returned the favor with a close combat attack, swinging fists and foots in a blurry straight into Chimchar. Chimchar went flying and landed roughly. He got up and ran over to Sawk. Sawk punched at Chimchar, but Chimchar slid under it on his back on the ground. Chimchar got under Sawk and shot a burst of flames, into the ark of Sawk’s legs. “Wow,” I said as Sawk fell unconscious. Chimchar ran over to me. “You can use flamethrower?” I asked. He nodded conceitedly. “Alright, let’s go,” I said. We walked in the cave and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
In the cave, stacked to the ceiling, were piles of caged pokemon, complaining and weeping. Poliwag was among them. In front of the cages, were, Ferraligator, a Vibrava, and a beaten up Primeape tied to a chair, Mankey being looked down upon by the two Pokemon. Among them was a tall human with a black suit, red cape, and red spiky hair. Chimchar and I hid behind a rock and watched. Mankey looked up questionably at the man. “No. We still need you. Capture the intruder.” He responded.
Mankey jumped up, climbed over the ceiling, and dropped down on top of me. He hit Chimchar and me over the rock with a powerful uppercut.
“Well, well,” Said the man. “I’m Nick. Your familiar with Ferraligator and Mankey, am I correct?”
I nodded and responded, “Why’d you take my Poliwag!”
“You see, Mankey works for us because we threat him with his mother. We have him steal pokemon so we can rule the world. But you know too much. Vibrava, dragon claw.” Vibrava, a small, pale bug body with two horns, six small black legs, and four triangle green wings, flew at Chimchar, made his hands glow blue, and slammed Chimchar into a wall with it. Then Vibrava picked us up, flew us out of a cave, the wind was cold against our skin, and dropped us into a lake. “Hugh. We’ve got to save Primeape and Poliwag,” I said. Chimchar nodded. We swam out of the lake; me needing to carry Chimchar for his flame couldn’t touch the water, and went to the cave. Everything was gone except Mankey, beaten up and hatless.
Leaning over the once powerful looking monkey, I said in a soft voice, “Mankey, are you alright?” He grinned. I suddenly realized I had been set up.
He jumped up and uppercutted me in the face. I stumbled back and fell, barely catching myself on my hands. He wiped of the dust and pulled out my hat from his fir. He put it on and angrily yelled at me. Chimchar and I backed away slowly as he backed us up toward a wall. “Mankey, you don’t have to do this!” I said. “We can work together to save Primeape! They’re the ones who imprisoned her anyway!” Mankey stopped as his angry face disappeared. He looked as if he was thinking it over. He looked away and scratched his head as if he was embarrassed. He got over it and helped us up. “Where’d they go, Mankey?” I asked him. He ran of into the cave. “Hey!” I said following him, Chimchar following close behind. Eventually we saw a light in the distance. Once we got to the light, I was wowed. The walls of the cave were risen up and the floor was an airplane landing. We got to the edge where Mankey was standing, staring into the distance.
I followed his eyesight and saw a plane. The plane was small, and I assumed it could carry about one maybe two Salamence. It was camouflage. It was old fashioned, one big wing going over the top and a propeller on the nose of the plane. “I’ve got a plan. Chimchar, get me and Mankey over you, aim your tail at the plane, and use your best flamethrower you can!” I said to Chimchar. Mankey got in a piggyback position on Chimchar, while I hugged on tight from behind. “This would work much better with Poliwag,” I muttered. Chimchar used his move in which he makes a huge blast of fire on the floor and we went flying. That might have been the most exiting point of my pokemon journey. I barely got a hold on the tail of the plain with Mankey, one hand on my foot and the other on the hat, and Chimchar, both hands tightly holding onto Mankey’s tail and eyes closed, were dangling. They climbed up onto the plane and helped me up. I busted a window with my fist and we jumped into the aircraft. Ferraligator jumped at us, but I dodged, him landing on an uppercut of Mankey, and fury swipes of Chimchar. I walked past him and only to get head butted in the stomach by Vibrava. I grabbed the Vibrava and put him in a cage that was unfilled. I walked over to Nick. He put it on autopilot and got up in a brawling position. I slammed my fist into his jaw, and kneed him in the spot no one would like. I threw Nick out of the plane easily thanks to the pain I had caused him and Ferraligator jumped out to save him. I threw the Vibrava’s cage out to.
We took control of the plane and, with confusion, landed it in the small paradise where I first met Mankey, me feeling sick from the ride. We released all the pokemon and I returned Chimchar and Poliwag. Primeape and Mankey hugged and Primeape gave me a pokeball and pointed towards Mankey, who was smiling. I threw the pokeball at Mankey and the pokeball went wiggle a few times. I couldn’t wait. But just then, two things happened: I realized the pokeball captured Mankey and my hat, and there, in the distance, was a huge cloud of dust…


sorry it took so long, Ive been extremely buisy.
I hope its better.
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  #8  
Old 05-08-2012, 02:41 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

I'm going to say: Mankey Captured.

You did what I asked so you can have the Pokemon. I would still like you to focus on those grammar errors though, they will continue to hinder your writing.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:58 AM
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Default Re: What's your"s is Minkey

thank you so much.XD
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