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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-04-2012, 10:37 AM
thijsel Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 18
Default Pokemon Blaze Black (ready for grading!)

Hello there, my name is Luke. I've been living in Nuvema Town for a few years, and I'm going to tell you the story of when I started my pokémon journey.

I remember it like it was yesterday... because it was yesterday... anywho, I was called to Professor Juniper's lab...

"Good morning, Luke!" said my mother as I came running down the stairs, "I made you some breakfast!" "no time for breakfast right now, mom," I said, "I gotta hurry to the lab!". my mother looked surprised. "What were you called to the lab for, then?" she asked. I replied: "I don't really know myself, the Professor just said, 'Hurry over to my lab, i need your help!'over the Xtransceiver". "well, OK, but come back before dinner, OK?" I sighed "yes mom," before rushing out of my house.

As soon as I came out, I saw the Professor waiting for me at the lab, "Luke!" she said, "over here!" I walked to the lab, asking "hello professor, what did you need my help with?". she replied: "There has been a mass outbreak of pokémon from other regions in Unova. I'm going to entrust you with your own pokémon to investigate the cause." she handed me a pokéball. I nervously took it. "Really? m-my own pokémon? what is it?" I asked. "Well, let it out and see for yourself." the Professor said.

I threw the pokéball and out came, with a shout of, "Riolu!" a dog-like blue and black pokémon. "If I'm not mistaken, this little guy is called a Riolu?" I said. The professor chuckled, "Yes, this little guy is now yours to train. Oh! I almost forgot! here are some empty pokéballs and a pokédex. a pokédex is a device that records all data on pokemon you see and catch." "whoa! cool! thanks professor!" I said. I thought, better say this to mom....

while going to my house, I encountered Cheren, a smart boy who lives next door and got his pokémon yesterday. "Hey Luke!" he said, "have you got a pokémon now too? that's cool. well, see you later, i'm going out on route 1 to investigate for the Professor!". Once in my house, I said to mom, "Mom! The Professor gave me this pokémon to go investigate the cause of all the other-region pokémon appearing!" "Whoa, that's amazing, dear! but it is already evening, so you can set out on your 'journey' tomorrow," she said, "let's first have some dinner." whoa, time sure passed fast today...

So that's what happened yesterday, and now I'm setting out on route 1 to hopefully catch my first (well, technically the first...) pokémon! I walk through the tall grass, and I see a cricket-like pokémon... let's see what the pokédex says about it... "Kricketot, the Cricket Pokémon. it is a somewhat common pokémon from the Sinnoh region..."

"Go, Riolu!" i say, "We're gonna win this! pokédex, what are Riolu's moves as of right now...?" "Quick Attack, Foresight and Endure" "ok, Riolu, let's do this! Quick Attack!" Riolu starts zipping around like crazy, eventually crashing into the wild Kricketot at high speed. "good job, Riolu!" the Kricketot looks right at Riolu and becomes red. Steam clouds appear above its head. It looks like he's preparing for a strong attack, better finish this off quickly... "Riolu! Another Quick Attack!" after Riolu's attack, Kricketot turns red again, with steam clouds forming above his head once again... i think he's gonna release it any moment now... so i decide to let Riolu use Endure. good thing i did that, because Kricketot's attack looks really powerful. first, he turns red again, and then a red beam shoots from its mouth. I made Riolu use Quick Attack again while the Kricketot turns red again... i decide he should be weak enough by now, so i grab one of the empty pokéballs Juniper gave me and toss it into the air, right at the Kricketot. it wobbles... once... twice... thrice... Please catch it...


Ok, this is my first story i posted on this site! it is ready for grading!

Character Count: aound 3770

Last edited by thijsel; 03-03-2012 at 03:19 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:05 PM
EmBreon's Avatar
EmBreon Offline
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Default Re: Pokemon Blaze Black (ready for grading!)

Hey there, buddy. :D Sorry you've had to wait so long.

Story: Hm, the innocent and cheerful mood of this put a smile on my face. The plot itself though, seemed to be an exact copy of the Pokemon games. Something we look for here in URPG Stories is creativity and originality. 'Starting Trainer' fics, while fine in themselves, get to be pretty monotonous because they have been written so many times. I'm sure you have played the games enough to have witnessed this story repeated yourself, huh? ;P

One of the things I love so much about Pokemon, is their diversity. There are so many of them, and a single one can provide a large array of inspiration. You could do a Goldilocks spin-off with a trio of Ursaring, take your adventure to a lost cave full of Zubat, or use the entire world of them as your muse. I, personally, love writing because of the fact that the possibilities are infinite. As an author, you are the Almighty Overlord (>:D) and anything you wish to craft is your decision alone.

If you decide to pursue a Pokemon at a higher difficulty ranking in the future, take some more time to invent a story that is uniquely your own.

Grammar: It was a bit splotchy. ^^; Your spelling was nearly perfect, but a lot of things were not capitalized. Remember to use capitals when starting a new sentence.

Also, if multiple people are speaking, each person's quote should have its own paragraph. For instance:

Quote:
As soon as I came out, I saw the Professor waiting for me at the lab, "Luke!" she said, "over here!" I walked to the lab, asking "hello professor, what did you need my help with?". she replied: "There has been a mass outbreak of pokémon from other regions in Unova. I'm going to entrust you with your own pokémon to investigate the cause." she handed me a pokéball. I nervously took it. "Really? m-my own pokémon? what is it?" I asked. "Well, let it out and see for yourself." the Professor said.
Two people are having a conversation here. It makes it hard to follow, because since they are merged into a single paragraph, it makes me think there is only one. It should look more like the following:


As soon as I came out, I saw the Professor waiting for me at the lab.

"Luke!" she said. "Over here!"

I walked to the lab, and asked "Hello professor, what did you need my help with?"

She replied: "There has been a mass outbreak of pokémon from other regions in Unova. I'm going to entrust you with your own pokémon to investigate the cause." She handed me a pokéball.

I nervously took it. "Really? m-my own pokémon? what is it?" I asked.

"Well, let it out and see for yourself," the Professor said.



I've corrected some other errors as well, such as matching your tenses. You are telling this story using past tense, so using present tense verbs in some places will confuse.

That's enough about this boring stuff though. ;P

Details: At the end of the story and during the battle there were some things described nicely. Your descriptions of the Pokemon moves allowed me to see what they looked like. The majority of the story had little of this though. Try to take breaks during dialogue to describe how people appear and what is going on around them. Otherwise, the reader only sees two faceless humans in a black fog. :P

Remember your senses (Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, Touch), and try to convey them through adjectives or imagery.

Overall: It was your first story, and a good effort was made. I'm sure the little cricket would be happy to join you.

Kricketot captured! ^^

Practice makes perfect. Good luck with future stories.

Last edited by EmBreon; 03-05-2012 at 11:07 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-06-2012, 05:23 AM
thijsel Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 18
Default Re: Pokemon Blaze Black (ready for grading!)

Thank you for grading my story! i'm going to continue this story, and it isn't going to be a B/W total clone or anything :P
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