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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-08-2012, 09:54 PM
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Default Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

The pounding of my footsteps began to follow a beat that sounded in the distance, each thump onto the pavement echoing out into the street. The more I ran, the louder the beat grew. I could feel my heart pulse with the rhythm, as did the pounding in my head. Everything I was doing, every thought I created, was repeating that same - repetitive - beat.

I caught my breath, suddenly realising that the beat was drawing me in - hypnotising me like an Anglerfish does to its prey. I continued to run, knowing that if I were to stop, It may catch up to me and then all of this running would have been futile.

I could now feel the pulses from the rhythm being absorbed into my body. It was so tempting to stop running, to allow It to engulf me - taking me to the source of the rhythm itself and to just stay there forever - as if I would always be high on the drug that was the beat. But this wouldn't happen; It wouldn't happily take me away to the source. I would be engulfed entirely; I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares - I would die.

I looked behind me - It seemed so far away, as if It would never catch up to the speed at which I was running. However, I knew that this was just a psychological mind game It was playing. Draw me into false security, make me slow down... and then pounce. I couldn't risk slowing my pace - not even slightly; I had to speed up, I had to run faster. But I was tired, oh so tired...

That's when I heard the quickening footsteps of It behind me; I panicked, fear striking me in the heart. I couldn't believe that I had slowed down - how could I have even dared it? Now It was approaching me at a much faster pace than my own; the beat was deafening by now, growing more monstrous and destructive rather than how hypnotising and breathtaking it had been earlier.

I forced myself not to turn around, if I did so, it would all be over; I had to keep running, I had to sprint faster... I had to escape. If I didn't, how would I ever be able to right my wrongs? I needed to find her, to tell her... That was the only reason I had risked travelling out in the open, just to see her.

I had never noticed the empty streets I was running past, I was filled with too much fear and adrenaline. I never saw the empty shop windows, the warnings spray-painted across the walls, reading things like "Stay away!" and "Avoid the Beast" and such other warnings that had trailed off mid-sentence, suggesting that the authors had been engulfed by It during their hurried scribblings. I didn't see anything, only the pavement beneath me, the light ahead of me from the sun above and the nearing shadows that approached me from behind.

I dared myself to turn my head, to look behind and see how much closer It was coming. However, I had never gotten the chance to, for a long, black tendril had snapped out from behind me - wrapping itself around my arm.

"No!" I cried out, the tears streaming down my face. Another tendril whipped out and wrapped itself around my other arm and, immediately, I felt a force pull me backwards, dragging me along the pavement towards It.

I struggled so much - an attempt to break free from Its hold, but It was too strong and I knew my time was nearing an end. The dragging stopped and knowing that It was right above me, staring down at me with hunger, I kept my eyes closed. I was filled with so much fear, so much horror, that I was too afraid to look at Its face just before I was engulfed into Nothingness. My trousers dampened, a clear sign of how afraid I was. As I awaited my end, I thought of her one last time - my one and only love, the woman I never got the chance to apologise to...

"I'm sorry," I whispered, screwing up my face as I awaited the final blow. I was waiting, for several moments, for my life to end... but it never came. I opened my eyes, wondering if It had spared me - but there It was, the black, round face with nothing but piercing yellow eyes and a large, razor-toothed grin. I watched as a drop of drool hung off Its bottom jaw and, as it fell slowly and landed on my forehead, I knew why It had waited; It wanted me to see the ending of my life.

It hovered there for a few moments, swaying Its head in a terrifying, animalistic manner. After what seemed like a lifetime filled with horror, It opened Its large, gaping jaw and hovered there, again, for a few more moments. I stared into what seemed to look like a never-ending hole, the fear inside of me rising to an impossible level. Then It lunged.

I've had this published in my local magazine, and it's my favourite (as well as my best, I believe) work I've written as of yet.

It may be a little dark for some members, so I advise those of you that are 13+ to read this.

Feedback is very welcome, and thanks for reading! ^_^

((You can also find this on my deviantART profile - link provided in my signature P:))

~Sealboyno1
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Last edited by Sealboy; 06-10-2012 at 06:02 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-10-2012, 01:52 AM
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Default Re: Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

xD There is no need to put it in a spoiler, dude. This is the writing section. You post your writing, so people are gonna expect long posts. In saying that though, that's not a long post at all, so yeah, no need to put it in spoiler brackets. ^^

Quote:
Everything I was doing, every thought I created, was repeating that same, repetitive, beat.
Neither of those two end commas need to be there. "Same" isn't really a describing word; if it was, and it was followed by another describing word, then it would, but it isn't, so it doesn't need one. The second comma is redundant because you don't put a comma between the adjective and the noun you're describing. Otherwise it would be like,
Quote:
I looked at the green, grass.
XD Wrong.

Quote:
and to just stay there, forever, as if I would be forever high on the drug that was the beat.
You used "forever" twice here in a very short span of words, and to avoid repeats, try to keep a lookout for them.

Quote:
But this wouldn't happen, It wouldn't happily take me away to the source. I would be engulfed entirely, I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares.
Both of those commas should be semicolons, because "I would be engulfed entirely" and "I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares" are separate sentences, as indicated by the fact that both can stand on their own as separate sentences. There is nothing to join them, and the use of a comma does not do so. In instances like this, you need to join the sentence with something like an "and" or a "but" or you could change the comma to a semicolon or a period. Note that I won't repeatedly point out where you made the comma error, so I advise that you go through the writing and make the appropriate amends. ^^

Quote:
I was filled with so much fear, with so much horror, that I was too afraid to look at Its face just before I was engulfed into Nothingness.
The N in "Nothingness" doesn't need to be capitalised, not unless it's referring to something like Hell or Oblivion or something--a specific place that would make sense for its first letter to be a capital.

But yeah, apart from that, it was pretty cool! I don't think it was dark, really. xD But that's just me. I thought it was interesting you capitalised the I in "It" every time you referred to the beast. Is it to make it more...not personal, but something along those lines? Characterise it a bit more?

I liked that rhythm thing. That was probably my favourite thing about this. It was quite hypnotic and I liked the idea. So well done for that. ^^ I'm curious as to what that beast was, though, and WHY that guy was silly enough to go out to that place if he knew he would probably be killed. I mean, he could have apologised to that girl another time. xD (Not saying this is a flaw with your story at all! Just meaning that he didn't think things out very well, but that's the point of the story, I guess. xD) It was also cool that the beast was really mysterious and unidentifiable to start with. I actually wondered if this was a mental thing, and if the beast (or simply "It" at that point) was a metaphor for something psychological.

But yeah, nice work. ^^ I liked it.

~GS.
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  #3  
Old 06-10-2012, 12:28 PM
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Default Re: Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

Hehehe, time to do some editing :D


Quote:
xD There is no need to put it in a spoiler, dude. This is the writing section. You post your writing, so people are gonna expect long posts. In saying that though, that's not a long post at all, so yeah, no need to put it in spoiler brackets. ^^
I thought it'd make it look neat and organised - plus it gives people the chance to read my 'lil note thing at the bottom. I like making things neat and pretty :3


Quote:
Neither of those two end commas need to be there. "Same" isn't really a describing word; if it was, and it was followed by another describing word, then it would, but it isn't, so it doesn't need one. The second comma is redundant because you don't put a comma between the adjective and the noun you're describing.
I wanted to break the sentence up to create emphasis - to make it as if you were reading/feeling the beat. Looking back at it now, I see that it looks... wrong xP What if I were to have this?


Quote:
that same - repetitive - beat.
Quote:
You used "forever" twice here in a very short span of words, and to avoid repeats, try to keep a lookout for them.
Ah - icky icky poo poo - I think I missed that Dx I'll fix that ASAP


Quote:
Both of those commas should be semicolons, because "I would be engulfed entirely" and "I would be drawn into Its jaws of eternal nightmares" are separate sentences, as indicated by the fact that both can stand on their own as separate sentences. There is nothing to join them, and the use of a comma does not do so. In instances like this, you need to join the sentence with something like an "and" or a "but" or you could change the comma to a semicolon or a period. Note that I won't repeatedly point out where you made the comma error, so I advise that you go through the writing and make the appropriate amends. ^^
You see, semi-colons have always stumped me - I can use them successfully in some cases, but in others I just cannot get that lightbulb above my head saying "Here! Put one here!" ._. Thanks for giving me those pointers P:


Quote:
The N in "Nothingness" doesn't need to be capitalised, not unless it's referring to something like Hell or Oblivion or something--a specific place that would make sense for its first letter to be a capital.
Seeing as I wanted it to be the genre of Fantasy, I thought that'd I'd give a name for the place the narrator would be taken to. Completely done on purpose P:


Quote:
I thought it was interesting you capitalised the I in "It" every time you referred to the beast. Is it to make it more...not personal, but something along those lines? Characterise it a bit more?
I wanted the reader to recognise It as, not only being a creature, but a being whose very presence is feared enough that it has to be named. Also, it made it seem more mysterious rather than naming it "Bob" or "Clive" or something - "It" seemed sinister and vague.


Quote:
I'm curious as to what that beast was, though, and WHY that guy was silly enough to go out to that place if he knew he would probably be killed.
I wanted to give across the idea that, within this story, it was extremely dangerous to go outside - hence the appearance of It. Being apart from the one you love, when you need to apologise to them and you feel like you need to be their protector, urges the narrator to take the risk - when would an opportunity ever arise to safely travel outside? Emotions affect judgement and thoughts - hence his recklessness in trying to get to his love.

You see, love ruins everything xD


Quote:
But yeah, nice work. ^^ I liked it.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now I must slaughter all errors within my work, edit them and make the piece itself near perfection :P

Thank you so much for the feedback! :D

~Sealboyno1
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  #4  
Old 06-10-2012, 05:46 PM
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Default Re: Fear of the Dark {Short Story/One-Shot}

(Just to let you know, you don't have to code each bit of speech. xD I just highlight my entire post and use one lot of colour/font, so don't worry about doing it for each paragraph you speak.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sealboyno1 View Post
Hehehe, time to do some editing :D

I thought it'd make it look neat and organised - plus it gives people the chance to read my 'lil note thing at the bottom. I like making things neat and pretty :3

I wanted to break the sentence up to create emphasis - to make it as if you were reading/feeling the beat. Looking back at it now, I see that it looks... wrong xP What if I were to have this?

Ah - icky icky poo poo - I think I missed that Dx I'll fix that ASAP
Yep. XD

Spoiler tags are not making it neat and organised. Dx I find stories submitted in spoilers and quotes annoying. Dx I don't want to have to click on the spoiler button to make what I came here to read to appear, you know? O: And having it in quotes just reduces the borders and makes it more squished and bleh. PLUS, quoting doesn't get quoted when I try to quote the story, so it means I have to copy and paste the parts I wanna mention. >:c And it makes me think people care more about presentation than the story itself. Dx I dunno. It's a weird thing I have. It's the same with centering stories too. +__+ I have a weird anti-centering thing. XD Titles and chapter names are fine, but not the story itself.

Haha, after leaving the quote, I realised that you must have meant to do that. xD It actually seems appropriate to use commas, and I'm not sure if hyphens would work any better. I would opt for an ellipsis, but no, that wouldn't be right either. DDx I dunno, maybe hyphens DO work. xD /unsure

Alrighty. It's fine; I'm here to catch things you didn't realise before. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by sealboyno1 View Post
You see, semi-colons have always stumped me - I can use them successfully in some cases, but in others I just cannot get that lightbulb above my head saying "Here! Put one here!" ._. Thanks for giving me those pointers P:

Seeing as I wanted it to be the genre of Fantasy, I thought that'd I'd give a name for the place the narrator would be taken to. Completely done on purpose P:

I wanted the reader to recognise It as, not only being a creature, but a being whose very presence is feared enough that it has to be named. Also, it made it seem more mysterious rather than naming it "Bob" or "Clive" or something - "It" seemed sinister and vague.
Ahaha, that's how it is for many people. Yeah, I mean, I like to explain it as that the two "halves" (a.k.a. both sides of the comma) are not meant to be able to stand on their own, and if they do, then they should be semi-coloned. I mean, in a few cases this doesn't always work, such as when you have the joining word as "and" since sentences can stand with that word. I suppose that's why you're sorta (not always, obviously) meant to avoid commas before "and"s. Well, I assume. xD And no worries! I hope it helps you. Especially watch out for sentences and then questions with nothing but a comma between. There was one in this that I didn't highlight. Ah! Here it is:
Quote:
I couldn't believe that I had slowed down, how could I have even dared it?
Two completely separate sentences, one of them being a question. Dx

Yeah, I thought so! In that case it's fine, but I wanted to clarify. xD

Yep, I thought that as well. ^^ I liked it. AND LAWL, BOB. XDDD

Quote:
Originally Posted by sealboyno1 View Post
I wanted to give across the idea that, within this story, it was extremely dangerous to go outside - hence the appearance of It. Being apart from the one you love, when you need to apologise to them and you feel like you need to be their protector, urges the narrator to take the risk - when would an opportunity ever arise to safely travel outside? Emotions affect judgement and thoughts - hence his recklessness in trying to get to his love.

You see, love ruins everything xD

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now I must slaughter all errors within my work, edit them and make the piece itself near perfection :P

Thank you so much for the feedback! :D
I totally got that all, so well done! And yeah, I do know the reason he went out there, but I'd like to ask him myself, type of thing, and be like, "DUDE, ARE YOU STUPID?" XDDD

Hahaha, that it does, which is why I'm perfectly content to stay away from it. XP

Yeah, me too! That would be lovely. c:

No worries! I hope I helped!

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 06-10-2012 at 05:54 PM.
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