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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.

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Old 08-01-2012, 06:15 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Final Week Being Judged!

(Dun dun duuuuun)

Killing the Innocent
(Sealboy of The Eggman Empire)

Creativity (7/10):
I did find this a unique story. However, I felt it was too short for what it was. The first person really helped get in the psyche of the narrator. Problem is, I had no idea what the heck was going on in the story. Reading the spoiler, I sort of see the symbolism, but in this case this story was simply too short to deliver effectively on it. You should never lose the reader or leave them guessing. The whole “The planet was eating me” literally came out of nowhere. This story had a lot of potential, but you limited yourself to just the minimum. Don’t be afraid to go all out! It’ll take you places!

Grammar/Spelling (6/10):
“How long had I been lying here? A more important question came to mind as I sat up, looking at my surroundings: where exactly was I?”
I feel this would be better as a new sentence or a semicolon. Never forget having a single sentence can be powerful with the right words!

“Dry, crisp grass beneath me, towering oak trees that stood firm, casting a variety of shadows away from where I sat.”
Fragments aren't always a bad thing - in the right hands they can be used well. This case, however, it just doesn't work and breaks the flow.

Also, in two different instances you capitalized “Hare”. Yes, there was another hare out there, but that could have been changed to rabbit to get the same point across. This hare wasn’t special really, and there was no reason to capitalize the name, let alone do it twice.

“In fact, I hadn't even acknowledged the heat upon wakening, it just felt natural. However, now it didn't, and the sense of foreboding increased as if it were loomed over me.”
Semicolon, and then it should be "as if it were looming over me".

“My fear grew, not from the possibility of being trampled to death by this stampede, because their paths avoided my wide 'road' of grass – I was scared because I didn't understand why I was travelling towards whatever they were running from.”
"road". It's an emphasis on it.

"I had felt the grass beneath me, I swear."
I stumbled so much on this. I think it would have been better as "I swore I had felt the grass beneath me."

Flow (8/10): Okay, first off, the title is not in the actual post itself. I find this is bad grammar – yes, the name is there in the thread title, but without it in the thread itself it makes it look blocky and you get slapped in the face with text. I like to have the title in, it really helps just make the entire post look neat. I can put it aside from the grammar standpoint, but flow-wise I can’t.

This story flowed pretty well, although there were hiccups in which I had to stop for a moment and re-read, although they were minor. There weren’t really too many issues.
Total: 21/30

Chant of Twilight
(Saraibre Ryu of Guardian Units of Nations)

Creativity (6/10):
I can see the theme, but the problem is that it’s done quite often. It’s not a bad song, but like you said it was rushed, and unfortunately it does show. There really isn’t too much symbolism in this either – it’s literally just cut and paste in terms of that. Also, you said it was about the “dark and light”, but I got more of a “day and night” vibe from it. Granted they are very related, but at the same time they can easily be different too.

Grammar/Spelling (9/10): “could’ve seen” would have been better, and “balanced strained” made no sense to me. Quoted below in Flow because it really hurt you there.

Flow (7/10):
“I take a stand and understand

“A line serene no one else could seen”
"could've" works better.

“Language speaks and sadness shrieks
My guardian of mine
To have maintained a balanced strained
Together we will shine
Change the world as fear unfurled
Show them all the dark is fine”
I...just...Okay, yeah, I have no idea. Balanced strained? Guardian of mine? Plus the last part doesn't really fit - it feels like it has an extra syllable.

Several hiccups in flow, with one stanza completely throwing off the song/chant completely, means you lose points. Flow is incredibly important in a song, so even if rushed you should sing it out loud a few times to make sure it works together!
Total: 22/30

(Charmander009 of The Eggman Empire)

Creativity (10/10):
A story about Cheren falling in love with the female hero? That happens a lot. BUT, Cheren FAILING to get said hero’s love, and in fact she runs off because she has feelings for N? Okay, that’s new. What’s this, Bianca isn’t completely stupid, and has feelings for Cheren? Also new, but I bet he falls for her…Whoa wait, he does NOT fall for her? They stay friends, never going further than that? …Wow. You took something that’s done quite a lot and put an amazing change on it. This story was fun to read, and it was beautiful. Plus that song was so gorgeous! I can’t find anything wrong with what you wrote. Nothing. I may have seen Cheren loving Zayna a mile away, but her rejection of him was a complete – and pleasant – surprise. It doesn’t happen often in stories such as these, and it’s a nice reminder that not everyone gets a happy ending. The symbolism was to be happy even if you don’t get the one you love, that life can be harsh. Not bad. Oh, and that music was gorgeous and fitting.

Grammar/Spelling (7/10):
He tried to see things through her perspective, tried to share the same concern for him. But the jealousy and disappointment boiled in heart, threatening to overflow his better judgment.
I do believe that should be "boiled in his heart".

Zayna shook her head stubbornly, glaring knives and daggers at her childhood friend. “I, for one, believe that people can change. You changed, Cheren. Or,” she narrowed her eyes scathingly, “At least, I thought you did.”
Needs to be a lowercase. You're continuing the sentence with a brief pause in between.

How could he turn him away like that?
"she", unless Zayna underwent a gender transformation for about five seconds, then reverted to being a girl again.

He stormed down the lane, heading in the direction opposite of the path she had taken. As he passed an innocent garbage can, he lashed out kicked it to the ground.
Waaaaah, supah LASHED OUT KICKED attack GOOOOO. ...Yeah, I think you see the problem here. Amazing how a missing little "and" can make a statement turn into a bad kung-fu move.

“Why should it be complicated?” her gaze returned to him.
In this case, it should be capitalized.

Could he move on from this heartbreak, despite how it tore at it soul?

Flow (9/10):
He tried to see things through her perspective, tried to share the same concern for him. But the jealousy and disappointment boiled in heart, threatening to overflow his better judgment.
It's just too sudden here, and it breaks the flow. It could have been worded differently to allow a better transition.

Small Note
•The Trainer waited on her reply, bracing himself for the worst.
•No penalty for above because “Trainer” is always capitalized for some asinine reason in a lot of stories, but in this case, it shouldn’t be. If you can input Cheren’s name in there, it’s capitalized. If you can’t, it shouldn’t be. “The Cheren waited”. NEW SPECIES DISCOVERED?!
Total: 26/30

The Wandering Forest
(k_pop of Guardian Units of Nations)

Creativity (4/10):
Well, this was a pretty simple story. Don’t wander off, a girl died and her Pokémon now looks out for others. Thing is, I really…didn’t feel much for this story up until the end. I like how you did the flashbacks, and the story behind it, but other than that, I was unimpressed. Not only that, but the lack of emotion really did me in. I felt like I was reading a script rather than a story. Third person isn’t easy to get emotion through, yes, but it isn’t impossible, and I know you can do emotion from other stories you’ve done – you are a great writer! I also found the lack of description annoying. While it’s possible to have too much, in this case there simply was too little. I would have liked to see more interaction too.

Grammar/Spelling (9/10):
Kate called a ‘thanks’ after him but he made no acknowledgement of hearing.
"thanks". Quotations. It's speech.

Neither talked about the story, nor did they did not see the blue-eyed Growlithe again.
I'm going to guess that, well, shouldn't be there.

Flow (7/10):
I can’t explain why, but I felt the story was very choppy at some points. Perhaps the lack of description and short sentences are to blame? Flow also suffered because of the general lack of interest. If you can’t keep the reader focused, it’s going to make the story a lot more choppy than it would be otherwise.
Total: 20/30

Waltz for the Moon
(Winter of The Eggman Empire)

Well, this is certainly not a bad story. I liked the idea of someone forcing N to dance. However, I had some issues. For one, I can’t imagine N loosening up that quickly – it seemed very out of character for him, and matching the character of an official one is very important for a story like this. If you were to make him warm up like that, it shouldn’t have happened that quickly, even if they both speak to Pokémon. You have to remember he’s still iffy around humans! I really liked the ending, however. I would have liked a bit more interaction with the family before she ran off to do her own thing, but ah well. Nice dress, by the way.

The dress I was wearing was newly-bought for this occasion; as I had never entered contests myself and never intended to, however it was hard trying to convince your somewhat insane relatives that you just weren't interested in going to a party for a bunch of contest-lovers--being pushy was in the family, I guess.
Either get rid of “as” or add a comma after “however”. It makes it flow much better. Personally I’d get rid of “as” because there are already a lot of commas!

He held a black and white baseball cap in his hands, and at my remark, he seemed to reach up to put it on before he seemed to think better or that, too, and lowered his arm quickly and decided to glance down at his shoes.
Hmm, not sure what you were aiming for here. It's just wrong and doesn't fit.

His mouth moved for a moment, as if to yell at the guy in spite his motion to indicate he couldn’t speak just moments before…

The Gallade nodded to me in acknowledgement, and N gave me this look of almost grateful look before we started down the stairs again at a slower pace than before. It felt like it took ages to reach the bottom from that point, however we reached the bottom without further incident, much to both N and Musei’s relief.
"this almost grateful look". Also, "bottom" was used twice near each other - the highlighted one could have been replaced to "however we reached it without further incident".

…he chuckled, I frowned at him.
New sentence.

“How about have some faith in me?” I asked him, he just smiled while N proceeded to chuckle.
New sentence or semicolon.

I simply raised the hand I hand been holding onto and moved it into place before letting it go.

“Ah. Anyway, her Pokémon cared greatly for her even though she used them to battle…they even seemed to like battling with her, which really surprised me… She cared about her both her Pokémon and human friends, and would do anything for them.”
It's not needed.

I bit my tongue to keep from pointing out that could not have looked everywhere for me if she hadn’t found me earlier as well as pointing out the fact that I had not in fact ditched her, and it was the other way around and she took me by the wrist in much the same manner I had taken N’s earlier, and nearly dragged me up the stairs.
AUGH MASSIVE RUN ON SENTENCE - KILL IT WITH FIRE! Seriously though, add periods, split it up. It's way too long.

No title. This irks me, you know :P Yes, it isn’t a requirement, but I thought everyone knew to have on in the story itself. Most of the others did, and if you were to add the title it’d look so much better I think. You have a space, and THEN you get smacked with a wall of text. It’s more polite :)

The story overall flowed very well, although the massive run on near the end choked the flow. It’s in grammar, so I’m not copying it here as well XD
Total: 21/30

FIRST PLACE: Charmander009 (The Eggman Empire)
SECOND PLACE: Saraibre Ryu (Guardian Units of Nations)
THIRD PLACE: Sealboy (The Eggman Empire)*

*Please note there was a tie here. In this event I picked the story I enjoyed more. I liked "Waltz for the Moon", but "Killing the Innocent" just had SO MUCH DETAIL MAN. I love detail. Detail detail detail. Gotta love that detail. So that was my tie breaker - how much I loved one story over another.

Well guys, sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoyed WAR this year, and my criticism will hopefully help you guys nurture your writing talents even more! I even learned a thing or two about grammar! Ha ha! With that, this concludes the final week of WAR. I hope you'll come back next year! Who knows? I might be the judge for all five weeks! ...Oh dear Arceus. Of course, this depends on how I feel and how much you lovely writers want me to come back. I like writing too you know D:

Good luck guys!

Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 08-01-2012 at 09:02 AM.
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