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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-09-2012, 12:22 AM
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Default Astoria: Pop Goes the Buizel (Ready for Grading)

Pokemon to Capture:
Characters Needed: 5K-10K
Characters: 5825

Light seeped through the cream colored curtains, enlightening the dark room. Astoria awoke, the light finally penetrating her deep sleep. She turned over to glance at the floor, which featured a red knight-like Pokemon curled up in a sleeping bag. It had been a full week since she had become friends with Pawniard, and the two had been getting along pretty well. The first night had been a little rough for the two. When they fell asleep in their tent the first night, Pawniard had chopped off a part of Astoria's locks in her sleep. Now the girl knew to never be any where near the Pokemon while her claws are flashing.

Astoria smiled down at her Pokemon, who was still snoozing merrily. "Pawniard." Astoria whispered, and the Pokemon awoke drowsily, and blinked the sleep out of her eyes. "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"Pawn." the Pokemon agreed, and Astoria stood, and walked over to her bag that was placed lazily next to the closet. The Pokemon Center rooms were small, plain, but extremely cozy and welcoming. Astoria wondered on entry about how many usually stay in the Pokemon center. Astoria dressed, fixed her her platinum blonde waves in the mirror, and put on some makeup before leading Pawniard downstairs to breakfast. This happened every morning, Pawniard watching her master paint her face with amusement. The first morning the Pokemon even went as far to put make up on herself, which her master smiled down at her, and whipped in off.

The warm aroma of bacon and sausage filled the trainers nose, and she found herself practically skipping down to the buffet. Astoria reached into her bag, pulled out a can of Pokemon food she purchased from the mart, and placed it in a bowl for her Pokemon to eat. After she finished, the girl made her way over to the buffet, and helped herself to some pancakes, sausage, and bacon. She made her way back to a table, where Pawniard was eating her chow merrily.

"Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Astoria looked up and noticed a boy with light hair, and warm brown eyes. The girl smiled, and nodded. He sat down in the seat across from her, and Pawniard watched him in interest. "I'm Lucas." he introduced himself, his voice deep and slightly southern sounding. Astoria swallowed her bite of bacon before speaking.

"I'm Astoria, and this is Pawniard." the girl smiled sweetly, and he nodded to the knight Pokemon."Do you have any Pokemon?" she asked, and he nodded, reaching in his jean pocket for a Pokeball. He pressed the button, and in a flash of white light, a blue dinosaur with a bulb on his back appeared. "Wow!" Astoria smiled, and Pawniard watched the Bulbasaur in interest.

"I'm going fishing, do you want to come along?" Lucas asked after they finished breakfast. It turns out that they had both just started their journey in the past week, and they had quite a few things in common. Astoria nodded, and they both returned their Pokemon to their Pokeballs. The two got their things out of their rooms, and headed out on he dirt road, until they made it to a large pond a mile away. Lucas sat down on the edge, and handed the blonde a fishing pole. She joined him on the pond's edge, and she placed a flashy colored bait on the end.

Nearly an hour passed from the initial reel, and the two found themselves chatting merrily about their hopes, dreams, and Pokemon they looked forward to meeting. Distracted, the girl barely noticed the tug on her line. "You've got a bite!" Lucas pointed, and the two jumped up, tugging the pole as the Pokemon beneath pulled it his way. The water rippled violently until the Pokemon beneath gave in. In a large splash, a large orange weasel jumped out of the water, slightly out of breath from pulling. Lucas gave Astoria the thumbs up to catch it, and she nodded.

"Pawniard, go!" Astoria sent her Pokeball out, and the knight Pokemon appeared in a flash. "Metal Claw please!" Pawniard rushed at the Pokemon in a fast speed, her claws shining. She slashed at Buizel, who fell back to the ground, but quickly got up. Buizel swished his tail, and a Sonic Boom headed towards Pawniard. "Defend yourself with you claws!" Pawniard stood on her knees, and places her claws in front of her for protection. The attack hit, and Pawniard was pushed back, unscathed. "Iron Head!" Pawniard ran at Buizel, her helmet pointing out menacingly. Pawniard slammed Buizel into a tree, the bark cracking from the force. Pawniard made her way back to Astoria as Buizel tried to stand in the rubble.

A large sphere of water began forming around the Buizel, and the orange Pokemon kicked his feet up, flying through the air, water zooming around him. "It's Aqua Jet, Pawniard brace yourself!" the girl shouted, but it was too late. Buizel slammed into Pawniard, who flew back several feet. Buizel stood once again as Pawniard got up, out of breath. Buizel was panting as well, both Pokemon looking roughed up. "Metal Claw!" Astoria pointed, and Pawniard lashed out at the weasel, faster than both times. "Spin!" Lucas watched in amazement as Pawniard jumped high into the air, and began spinning, her claws shimmering in the sun.

'Buizel could either get hit with Pawniard's claws, or her helmet blade.' the boy though, staring in horror. Pawniard slashed the Buizel, who fell back several feet. Pawniard went again for a second swipe, but Astoria's voice rang high and clear over the seen. "Enough Pawniard." she smiled, and Pawniard stopped, looking back at her master in confusion. Astoria made her way over to the Buizel, and kneeled down next to it, holding the weasel up. "I'm Astoria, and I'd like you to come on my journey with me." she asked, smiling widely. Lucas looked at the girl in shock. The Buizel looked at her, and Astoria pulled out a Pokeball, tapping his head, and absorbing the Pokemon. It wiggled in her hands until...

Last edited by SwinubForever; 03-09-2012 at 08:55 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-29-2012, 12:01 AM
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Default Re: Astoria: Pop Goes the Buizel (Ready for Grading)

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  #3  
Old 04-29-2012, 05:34 PM
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Default Re: Astoria: Pop Goes the Buizel (Ready for Grading)

Plot/Intro

Let’s start with the introduction. As a writer you should strive for your story to meet a few criteria. Firstly, you want it to draw the reader in, and secondly, you want it to be a prelude to the rest of the story. Obviously I’m simplifying it, but you get my point. However, because this is a low ranked Pokemon not requiring much in the way of length, only a page, you really don’t need that much of an introduction. You’re introduction is basically the opening paragraph.

You decided to go with a more actionable result, and thereby revealing all the main characters. It was a good start for a Pokemon of this rank. It’s a short story so you don’t need to worry about the attention-span so much, but you do want to make it at least interesting. You’ve done that here by starting things off with a battle. It’s a simple but effective approach, one many writers use.

While you did introduce the characters in the opening you have to remember that a name is only a piece. You need physical description, otherwise the reader only has a blank picture of what the people look like. You as the writer might know, but we do not, and that information is important.

Onto the plot section. Once again, very simple here, which for Buizel is fine. You have the cliched story of randomly meeting a Pokemon and capturing. Many graders despise this type of story because it has no meat to it, and because it’s just plan boring. That doesn’t mean it’s not effective. Graders like myself usually frown upon these sort of stories, but because you are only attempting a lower ranked mon this type of writing will work.

This set up will work for the simplest and easy ranks, but once you get to medium and above you’ll need to vary it up a bit with extra details and make it more exciting to read. What you also need to keep in mind is that a Pokemon doesn’t have to be battled in the story to get captured, and you don’t have to say in the story that the trainer waited for the Pokeball to stop wiggling. You did that here, which is fine, just be aware that there are other methods out there.

Grammar

You did pretty well, I only have a few things to comment on. Firstly, always run a story through a spellcheck reader, then you proofread it yourself. There was a couple of places where the words were spelled correctly, but you had the wrong word there.

Quote:
Pawniard slashed the Buizel, who fell back several feet. Pawniard went again for a second swipe, but Astoria's voice rang high and clear over the [seen].
The word at the end is spelled correctly, but you have ‘seen’ when it should be ‘scene’. These type of errors can only be fixed by going back and rereading your story once you’re done with it. It can be a tedious process, but it had to be done. Next time, go ahead and try it.

My second point is that you made a couple of generic errors that you’ll need to correct for future attempts.

Quote:
"Enough Pawniard." [s]he smiled, and Pawniard stopped, looking back at her master in confusion.
You are not using a dialogue tag here, you are starting a new sentence. This means that the word after the dialogue has to be capitalized.

Quote:
"It's Aqua Jet, Pawniard[,] brace yourself!" the girl shouted, but it was too late.
Simple mistake here also. You need commas surrounding a name if that name is the person being addressed.

That’s pretty much it here, just watch out for those errors and you’ll be good to go.

Description

As a low ranked mon, I don’t expect much from any writer. Whatever the case, I always point out things I as a grader look for. Character detail, Pokemon detail, Pokemon attacks, physical surroundings, environment, and senses are all the things you should strive for as a writer. The higher Pokemon you aim for the more of these you need, and the better your execution will need to be.

In this story you have the Pokemon detail and Pokemon attacks. Two out of six isn’t bad for starting out. For all stories though I prefer it that writers have the first three of the things I listed above. As such, I’m going to concentrate on those three and leave the rest for some other time.

Character detail

Character detail is basically what all the people in your story look like. This means clothing and physical attributes. For the more involved main character the more the reader should know about the person, that delves into the range of personality and tendencies. We’re going to stick to the clothing and physical stuff, though.

Quote:
Astoria smiled at Lucas, revealing a perfect row of sharp white teeth. “Aren’t you glad to be out here today fishing?” She turned her head back to watch her line. Her long hair, pulled back into a ponytail, swished around as she moved her head around. It was a bright sunny day, with a small breeze blowing across the landscape. She had chosen to wear a pink skirt and a white t-shirt today, while Lucas opted for his standard blue jeans and tank top.
^ Above I have what Astoria would have looked like in my mind. I spaced the details along a couple of paragraph as that’s my style, but you can do it however you please. Try adding physical detail into your next story.

Pokemon

This is basically the Pokemon equivalent of what humans look like. You did well in this area.

Quote:
In a large splash, a large orange weasel jumped out of the water, slightly out of breath from pulling.
A low ranked story doesn’t need much, so this is fine. However, when you get higher up the ranked list you’ll need to add a few things. Basically, you gave us body shape and color with the above quoted section, but as you grow you’ll want to add unique character details. For Buizel this will mean things like the markings on its body, or its tail. Do these things and you’ll be fine.

Pokemon Attacks

Easily your best detail. When explaining detail to new writers I like to say: “show, don’t tell.” This means that telling me what attack the Pokemon is using isn’t enough, I want to know how the Pokemon did the attack. People view some attacks differently or they don’t know what the Pokemon look like, that means you as the writer need to tell us how you are seeing the attack. This not only provide context, but it’s exciting and sets the flow of the battle.

Quote:
A large sphere of water began forming around the Buizel, and the orange Pokemon kicked his feet up, flying through the air, water zooming around him.
Can’t really ask for much else as a grader for this above sentence. It was done really well, good job. Keep doing this for all your attacks and you’ll be fine as a writer.

Length

This only matters to me if you’re below the count.

Overall

You still have things to work on, but I don’t demand perfection for anybody but myself. Buizel Captured. Well done, just remember all my advice and you’ll do fine.
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  #4  
Old 05-19-2012, 04:40 PM
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Default Re: Astoria: Pop Goes the Buizel (Ready for Grading)

Thank you very much! I will work harder on my next attempt!
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